insanesuicide

[insanesuicide]

Dear emotionally abusive parents

You can’t repeatedly hurt me for years verbally, mentally and emotionally and then blame me for our terrible relationship. Sincerely, Your very hurt and angry child

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Healing looks good on meeee

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Hey I really need friends and I’d love to chat! My messages aren’t working so I’ll live it if you could tell me a social media we could talk on?

Yeah add my Instagram Emma.A_B_G

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10 Reasons Not To Relapse:

1) Withdrawals. Those weren’t fun, were they?

2) The mental torture and anxiety of realizing the dope is almost out…

3) …and having to experience that feeling every single day.

4) Your freedom will be lost once again. The dope will be making all the decisions now, and it doesn’t care how its choices will destroy you.

5) Do you really want to lose your clean time? Even if it’s a day, so many people will never be able to achieve a day of sobriety.

6) Oh, but you might not get an opportunity to ever get clean again, because there’s a good chance you’ll O.D.

7) You’ll go back to the same lifestyle that brought you to get clean to begin with.

8) Think you feel shitty now? You’ll feel even shitter when you relapse.

9) Think of your worst drug run and double it: that’s what you’ll have to look forward to.

10) I may not know you personally, but I know you don’t deserve to relive the horror that is active addiction. You may question your worth, but let me be the one to tell you that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than having a needle in your arm, powder in your nose, or toxin in your lungs.

Now, don’t be ashamed or feel hopeless if you relapsed, because relapse is a part of lot of people’s stories, including mine. Relapse doesn’t mean you can’t get clean again; in fact it’s a big incentive to say “fuck you addiction!” And try again!

** This post is for the addicts who are about to pick up. I just wanted to try to prevent at least one person’s relapse, because as many of us know, relapses are miserable. **

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February 7th 2020

[insanesuicide]

Here we go again

Honestly I’m so sick n tired of doing this to myself and it’s been on and off of this shit for 2 years now I don’t think I can ever completely stop at this point. I feel alone, detached from reality, hopeless, disgusting but I never let anyone see those emotions from me.

#methamphetamine #methplogs #girls who like drugs #hard drugs #suicidal #6am thoughts #friday #girls who twirl #drug addiction #i need advice #i need help #pls help #losing myself #lost girl #canada #self destruction #gif #anxious #ish cloud

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Having second thoughts man I need someone to talk to ahah wowzers I’m lost n confused tonight

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I will NEVER again let you into my body. You will forget how it feels to fill up my lungs with your crystallization.

You will forget how to make me gag when you drip down the back of my throat.

You will forget how to put negative thoughts into my head after I haven’t had you for 15 hours.

You will forget how much dysfunction you brought into my life by making me believe if I didn’t have you I had nothing.

You will forget about the days I lay restless in a bed not able to move

You will forget how to make me inch and peel away my skin because it burned

You will forget how to make my hair brittle and thin

You will forget, will

forget, forget

But I will not forget

I will remember how you took my pride

I will remember every single lie I would say to keep you mine

I will remember the disappointment in my best friends eyes when I told her I relapsed

I will remember how proud I was to say I hadn’t touch you for 30 days

Doesn’t mean I didn’t think about u

I will remember the motivation you stole from my spirit and I will reclaim it 10X stronger because

I WILL REMEMBER

HOW YOU HELD ME DOWN

MADE ME BELIEVE I WAS FINE

WHEN EVERYTHING AROUND ME

KEPT DYING.

I will remember that your just in my mind, another sickness that will never regress

I will remember to tell myself that Creator has put me here for a reason, so

I will remember to let Creators will direct me in the right way

-Emmanuella Gordon (aka me)

[insanesuicide]

This meth addiction has made me morph into a young women I don’t recognize or want anything to do with. These are all recent pictures and I noticed that in all of them you can tell I’m not completely there, my lips are burnt and cracked, my skin is oily, red and discoloured, my lungs wheez, my body is disintegrating, my teeth are chipping off, my mind is walking the tight rope between insanity n sain. I wanna heal and help the rest of my family heal but without having the right supports and resources nothing will change and in my city (Saskatoon SK) The meth crisis has been evident from all the busts and violence going on in the streets its destroying our people

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Addicted to addiction...

The worst part, about being a drug addict, is that you know you’re a drug addict. You know, all your excuses are bullshit. You know, when it’s your addiction talking, not you. You know, you’re hurting those around you. You know, you need help. You know, you’re lost. You know, you’re lying to yourself.

Nobody, sets out to be an addict. You just, wake up on day, as an addict.

I usually say that, the first time I used Meth, I was addicted. That’s not true. The first time I used, I knew, I’d do it again. I wasn’t addicted though. I became an addict, when I used to forget, my problems, my pain, my anguish. I became an addict, when I gave my addiction priority, over the important things, in my life. I became an addict, when I lost almost everything I had, stopped using for a while, then picked up again. Thinking, “It’s been long enough. I’ll be able to stop this time. I don’t have a problem. I was just in a bad place, at that time in my life.” I became an addict, when the strength, of my addiction, out weighed the shame I felt, when I looked at pictures of my kids. At problems, my addiction has caused. At people, who I have hurt. At what I could have done, with my time. My money. My family. . . I became an addict, when I looked in the mirror, asked myself to stop. Then put the piece to my lips, took another hit, and left myself behind…

[insanesuicide]

gentle reminder

flowers bloom and so can you

[insanesuicide]

FACTS

No excuses - get help

If you’re stuck in active addiction and think that just because you have no insurance, you can’t get help - WRONG!!! There are so many resources for us broke bitches:

1. Support groups are free. If you don’t like Narcotics Anonymous; SMART recovery, 12 Step Yoga/Meditation, and Refuge Recovery exist. SMART recovery does not “force” you to pick up a higher power, and Refuge is based on Buddhist principles.

2. Can’t find a ride? Call the NA hotline. Post on a huge Facebook support page. Get a phonelist at the end of a meeting and text each and every number. Recovering addicts want newcomers to learn that there is another way to live, and they will pick you up and drop you off.

3. Salvation Army has an impatient rehab program that is FREE. It’s long and it’s hard work, but their services are free of charge and meant to help homeless people seeking help.

4. There are live meetings online, and past meetings uploaded on YouTube. If you absolutely cannot find a ride and are beyond triggered, I highly suggest engaging with recovery videos.

5. Can’t find a job? Goodwill has a free program called Bridges. It’s a 2 day program that helps you build a resume. After completion you are given the option to work at a Goodwill location for 3 months. If they like you, you get hired full-time. Bridges also offers free counseling for you AND your family. FREE!!!

There are no fucking excuses to not ask for help. There are no excuses to remain stagnant. There are no excuses to continue using drugs everyday when a small part of you wants to stop. These are only a few free resources available–search the name of your county followed by “free services” on Google and you will get results.

Ask for help. Please. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.

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Don’t forget; The euphoria dosent last forever.

No matter how big the bowl, how fat the shot. How big the Line. One day it all ends.

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Every single time !!!!

“Was it worth it? No it wasn’t.”

— a journal entry about relapsing.  7-10-18

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“Drugs will take away everything you hate at first. As soon as you’re content with that, they’ll start taking away everything you love. Eventually, you’ll be forced to choose between drugs and yourself. You can’t have both.”

— Thoughts from a recovering addict

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DRUGS GET YOU TO JAILS INSTITUTIONS OR DEATH

Addiction. Spending money on drugs instead of necessities. Emptying your bank account for a gram. Starving for days, high on the shit that makes you feel invincible. Stealing from family to make it through the week you say it’s for gas but it’s really for drugs. Giving your body to a man that sees you as a piece of meat just for 300 bucks a week you feel worthless. Addiction. Always wanting to quit but never knowing how. Addiction. Afraid to tell your family because you’re scared they’ll shut you out. Addiction. Snorting lines in your room alone because you have nothing better to do. Addiction. Feeling like the biggest failure for just trying to numb the pain. Addiction.

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I will choose recovery. I will choose to live. I am more than capable. I will show myself love,grace, and care because I deserve it. I’m blessed. I’m enough. I have a life and today I choose to recover and live.

Excerpt from my journal 8-26-17