jellyratx

[jellyratx]

[jellyratx]

[jellyratx]

[jellyratx]

[jellyratx]

from this ask polly

[jellyratx]

Update Pt.2// possible TW

Well that didn’t last long. I quit after 2 days of working because the suicidal thoughts immediately came back. Not even gradually, just super violently. Also cried every morning getting out of bed which took 1-2 hours to do, the weight inside my chest was so heavy. And my insides shook the entire time working, but I know if I don’t keep my next job I will be broken up with and honestly.. that’ll probably be the end for me. Not to sound like a manipulator or anything. I just can’t handle anything else. Trying to function like a normal human is hard enough. And going through a heartbreak.. idk. I don’t think I will be able to stop myself. He thinks I simply don’t want to work (when I really do enjoy staying busy and am not lazy at all) but I don’t want him to see how close to the edge I am bc then he will break up with me for his own well being, which is completely okay. You can’t love and plan a future with someone who wants to leave so soon so badly.

I keep disappointing everyone I love.

Also I’m drunk so sorry for my bad writing.

[jellyratx]

characters who continuously tell themselves they’re okay and even start to believe it until someone says their name very gently and asks if they’re alright, at which point the facade crumbles completely

[jellyratx]

via

[jellyratx]

"he’s a murderer!" to you. to me he’s the love of my life.

[jellyratx]

[jellyratx]

every time mitski says [my god i’m so lonely] [you’re growing tired of me you love me so hard and i still can’t sleep] [i’ve been big and small and big and small and big and small again and still nobody wants me] [i don’t want your pity i just want somebody near me] [so please hurry leave me i can’t breathe please don’t say you love me] [and i hope you leave right before the sun comes up so i can watch it alone] [and i know no one will save me]

[jellyratx]

Update://

I was hired at the coffee shop next to my house today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful. It truly is a blessing. But last time I tried working I had a panic attack the entire time then contemplated suicide when I got home 😐. I at least need to work until I pay off my debt. Though I was hoping to be able to provide my lover with things, gifts and such. But I’d be lucky to keep my job that long.

Anyway I don’t have a will to live but here I am making a half assed attempt to make my life better.

[jellyratx]

[jellyratx]

[jellyratx]

regarding the röttgen pietà, elle emerson

[jellyratx]

Rant//TW

Today I had to hold myself and whisper to myself that I was going to be okay. A moment later it hit me that I was doing the exact same thing 2-3 years ago, when I thought I had hit my lowest point. When I would wake up and try to gather the willpower to lift myself off my bed and end my misery.

Now I don’t even have the willpower to cry for myself anymore. All I can do is ignore myself falling apart. I ruined my relationship with my family, causing me to get kicked out. I’m $250 + in debt from doctor bills. started passing out randomly. I’m desperately in love with someone who breaks my heart every day. I can’t hold a job for more than 2 months bc I keep getting sexually harassed. I have no friends at all, not even acquaintances. I can’t hold conversations anymore cuz the dissociation has gotten so bad. And the anxiety.. it’s back and it shakes me to the core.

I have nothing. No one. Not even myself. I tried so hard and only put myself deeper into this hole. There’s a whole lot more for me waiting on the other side.

#good news #anime gore #gore #voidcore #psychosis #bpd #depression #anxiety #pls help

[jellyratx]

La brûlure de mille soleils (1965), dir. Pierre Kast