justsuchafekinmess

[justsuchafekinmess]

[justsuchafekinmess]

[justsuchafekinmess]

Day 3

I stay awake so I don't have to sleep

With sleep comes waiting

To face into unconsciousness

With waiting comes time

Time I can't afford

Cause if I have time

Where I'm not distracted

By the inane activity of life

I will think

And with thinking comes doubt

What if I can't do this

What if I'm a parasite on those around me

What if they all hate me

And fear me

What if the love I've cultivated

Is a bizarre creation of my manipulation

What if they hate who I am now

What if I hate who I am now

Who I really am

I can't think like that

Cause while it may not be true

While it's likely paranoia

Self loathing

And malice

There's the possibility

However remote

That is all true

I can't handle that

In the state I'm in I haven't the fortitude

To argue with my brain

To go to Battle

Soul versus mind

I would simply crumble

My head makes a lot of sense sometimes

So now

Leaving my avoidance tactic

Has led to more avoidance

Cause I hate the face in the mirror

And it hates me too

#writing #my poetry #poetry #sobriety

[justsuchafekinmess]

Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,

Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.

OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg

Ok.

I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them

A hotel

An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away

A perscription refilled from 2 states away

and A Pizza

Go me.

But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.

So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards

#nailedit

It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.

it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.

by the way

it is already

over 100 out

it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone

when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.

he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.

He'll be fine

He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.

but

more to the point

i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside

has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??

And

I got other shit to do today.

namely.

I'm seeing a realator

The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons

I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her

at least

I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "🏡⏰12:00 ❔"

With the time typed in the middle like that.

She is, according to her profile, at least 80.

so I reply "😎👍"

and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.

She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms

It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.

in emoji

instead of like

literally any other format

I am

FASCINATED

and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.

[justsuchafekinmess]

Day 1

Haven't smoked or vaped since 11. God, I forgot how hard this is. I've fought with Amber, ate dog shit, hitting my nicotine vape like a boat taking on water. I need to keep busy, so I'll head to the shop when it gets later. Alone in a darkened store front with my tasks clear and laid out for me. Already I'm feeling the sense of failure way over me. I've taken the day off and I can't shake the feeling that I'm letting everyone down. Amber, BK, Chris, Mom, Love. On some psychic level more rooted in logic I know this to be nonsense. But that's never stopped me from feeding the void before.

I love smoking weed. It's become such a pivotal part of my sense of self. I proudly talk about being high constantly as though avoidance was some vast personal accomplishment. Look upon my wisdom, ye mortals. Never look in the mirror and thou shall never know shame, fear, pain. Or yourselves. What a fool. I sit and float through the days, neither comprehending nor internalizing the events, conflicts, joys and woes that they hold. Like being a child, going through the motions without understanding them. I'm a coward.

#writing #journal #canabis #weed #mental health

[justsuchafekinmess]

[justsuchafekinmess]

It's a major part of my job to sort trading cards. Alphabetically, color, rarity, the list goes on. And so many of my coworkers are like

" how do you do that so fast? It's crazy"

But I know why

i don’t WANT to own and drive a vehicle‼️‼️‼️ *throws things across the room with my telekinesis*

[justsuchafekinmess]

Saw this briefly while scrolling, though she had 3 breasts, fully accepted that as reality, and went to reply:

"good for her"

Before realizing I was wrong.

Still though... Good for her

Commission for 2B’s voice actress Kira Buckland

[justsuchafekinmess]

my femme girlfriend: [hour and a half later] ok I’m ready to leave the house

me: [throwing on shorts and a tank top] okay baby i love you and you look so pretty

[justsuchafekinmess]

[justsuchafekinmess]

kill the shift manager in your brain

[justsuchafekinmess]

One from the archives.

[justsuchafekinmess]

i hate this weird sense of internalized queerphobia of like. being visibly and really loudly queer is somehow immature and childish and one day you'll grow up and fall into cishet line and stop

[justsuchafekinmess]

Reblogging to try later

life becomes so beautiful when you start cooking rice in liquids other than water

[justsuchafekinmess]

this klingon chef is hot as fuck

[justsuchafekinmess]

absolutely normal and straight things to say about your best friend

[justsuchafekinmess]

They Know Already Anyway?

What’s the harm in 5 more minutes?

House and Wilson.