kayandthegoldendays

[kayandthegoldendays]

it’s baby time!!! first home birth of the spring.

#personal #kaywillbeamidwife #doula tales #kayandthegoldendays #birth days

[kayandthegoldendays]

it’s my (hopefully) fourth night of sleeping in my bed, and I’ve gained a newfound appreciation for it. one of my clients is moving heaven and earth to have her baby at home as I type this, and I will hopefully be summoned as the stars take over the sky and her labor begins.

but for now, I might rest. and lately everything I have is not filled with certainty but I’m living in this unknown with more ease…finding joy in simply being.

somewhere along the week I chose to download a video app and I stumbled into a movie I haven’t seen since I was a teen. it was a movie I used to watch for inspiration when I was without a home and seeing it now as an adult with a home is different. I just remember dreaming of this, my home.

—

I recognize I don’t often think of my mother, although my life is devoted to serving mothers. and I seldom think of what it was like for her to birth me, whether she was sober then or if she even remembers now. But lately I wonder…I wonder if she was nervous before birth, I wonder if she asked the goddess of birth to help bring me forward…I wonder what our life story would have been if she wouldn’t have become fallen prey to all the substances and voices that consumed her. I wonder what she would be like now.

and it doesn’t happen often that I think of it, but tonight as the full moon takes control over the sky I find myself wondering.

my half marathon is this weekend. and I’ll be the girl in navy.

#personal #nyc #runblr #new york city #marathon diaries #kaywillbeamidwife #run blog #half marathon

[kayandthegoldendays]

my first night off in quite some time and I should be recovering sleep but instead I watched a show for the first time in weeks and ate talenti sorbet and it felt kinda wild

I should probably go to sleep now since it’s 10pm but man oh man I forgot what it was to have a night off without rules….

#personal

[kayandthegoldendays]

having Jr has stirred awake some deeply lying traumas I didn’t realize were still in my system. it makes my pause, I watch my words carefully and on the days I speak before pausing I apologize and reframe what I meant immediately.

he’s the first of our lineage to not experience the strife of early life. a blessing, he will never (goddess willing) know of food scarcity, he trusts his needs will be met by us, and he has such a beautiful life.

but when I stare into his brown eyes, I recognize I have so much work to do in ensuring I respect him as my equal while honoring the responsibility of being his caregiver.

it’s such a topsy turvy experience. and it’s messy, yet beautiful. recently he asked me if I ever had something basic and I quietly said no. and I didn’t have to heart to tell him I didn’t even have a bed at his age, but it’s things like that …which he could never fathom as being part of his existence that make me fiercely protective of ensuring his lifetime is filled with joy and ease.

#personal #kayandthegoldendays #it’s the most soul stirring days with heaps of realizations

[kayandthegoldendays]

Jr is here! the day I flew down to swoop him up I was a basket case navigating TSA with him with a hefty packet of paperwork proving I was in fact not stealing a child. my sister broke into tears and told me shes trusting me with her life and it made my already anxious heart nearly burst.

But it’s been two days and it feels more easy going! something I’m quickly adjusting to is being joint at the hip 24/7. One of his grandmas from his extended family visited and it meant I had a chance to go on a long run and take a bath.

8 miles later I felt more like “me” and when he was dropped back off I felt like my battery had been recharged!

today we’re off exploring again and I’m looking forward to seeing his face when he sees fossils of dinosaurs up close.

#personal #runblog #runblr #nyc diaries #new york city #kayandthegoldendays

[kayandthegoldendays]

Amal El-Mohtar/Max Gladstone, This Is How You Lose the Time War

[kayandthegoldendays]

New York City is starting to bloom and not a moment too soon. 🌸 my order from Eberjey arrived and I practically started dancing in the lobby of my building out of sheer joy.

the week is going to be a BUSTLE so the list comes to keep me sane.

schedule chiropractor after last induction of the week

order organizational bins for linen/miscellaneous closet

make list of things for Richard to mount/hang in the apartment

order new kitchen window curtain (half size with scallops)

reschedule R.R for prenatal session #1

reschedule LP for initial consultation

schedule J.R for prenatal session #1

reschedule HC orientation for advanced nursing

add academic school calendar to Google calendar

schedule school open house and orientation

check on transfer credits from old uni to new school

schedule appointment with school advisor on upcoming fall semester

schedule L.G for prenatal session #1

update CASA optima with current case notes from Bronx family court case

contact caseworker for case update and to see how kids are adjusting to new placement

register for spring continuing ed hours for CASA

add MET volunteer hours into Vlogistics

add two MET shifts to replace days I will miss next week and following

pull credit report and see if any relevant information needs to be disputed and if current info is correct

update budget

schedule facial

schedule Pilates for week of 3/24

schedule back up doulas for remainder of contract with LH

schedule brow wax

schedule Brazilian wax

book return flight from ATL

book Broadway show for when Jr is in town maybe Lion King or Wicked

schedule sitter for week of March 30th

order new bedsheets

place new SKIMS order

order thrive beverages so they arrive before flight

schedule DT for lactation session

clean cat litter

tighten legs on couch

ask A if she wants to join for Pilates next week

email CB about back up supports week of April 1st

rweschedule orthodontist

#personal #nycdiaries

[kayandthegoldendays]

the days keep getting sweeter 🍯

it feels like spring is gifting me the willingness to find every small joy again and I am so grateful.

we went out to dinner recently and chatted about Greece for a trip which has been floating around my mind but I have felt myself stuck in an adventuring loop of choosing only the most remote places I can find 😭 but maybe a sweet sunny time in Greece is more befitting, less intense … maybe I’ll rest.

the runs get easier. at night I literally foam roll or work with my theraballs and thank my legs for carrying me mile after mile. I have this renewed faith that my legs will sustain me regardless of what race I do. It’s less than five weeks away now until my half 😳

and I was recently accepted into the next leg of my program. 🌸

Oh and I bought a new dining table and new chairs and finally gave away the arm chairs yesterday so my apartment is bare but ready for the NEW. I’ll share when I finish…it’ll be another two weeks haha but right in time before Junior arrives to stay with me. I feel like the luckiest human alive lately.

Now off I go to night shift for the next three days before swapping back to days.

#personal #studyblr #light academia #study inspo #nyc #runblr #nycdiaries #runblog #kaywillbeamidwife

[kayandthegoldendays]

my clients parents are in town. both sets of grandparents actually and today I was told I’m called the “birth angel” when spoken about.

and when I say I felt my heart swell….

#personal #kaywillbeamidwife

[kayandthegoldendays]

the days are spinning on this tiny island and I feel so grateful. it feels like it’s been ages since I returned from Nicaragua but it’s only been two full weeks (going on almost three)!

when I landed the babies came fast and furious so I was in survival mode getting through my first wave of March babies. In between the chaos, I met back up with my knitting circle, went on amazing long runs, caught up with every friend new and old before swapping to night shift for this week.

I went to work smiling in bliss and it’s still carrying over which reminds me of how powerful rest is.

yesterday an old friend called to tell me of her fears, entering into a new career field but unsure of what and the overall transition of life she’s in. I listened intently and offered reassurance.

in the last few weeks it’s been a constant theme hearing friends vocalize how much they dislike their work, or desire to pursue work they’ve always wanted to…maybe this is thirties?

And as I thought about this, I recognized what a damn privilege it is to have fallen in love with my work at a young age. I vividly remember being told I was absolutely bonkers…there was a solid five years there that I panicked thinking I should have chosen something more tidy…more linear with a path that gives a start and an end.

but each decade I fall more deeply in love with my work and I sometimes become worried by how moved I am by it because it will never be a vocation that …. can equally give back. it’s one that is so deeply rooted in serving women and children. but I have decided that I would rather be all in and learn to sustain myself with loving boundaries than choose anything else that doesn’t light up my world the way this work does.

the fall semester is coming so soon and I am a bit nervous but it feels so reaffirming to know that I’m chugging along towards the dream. catching babies on my own 🌸

1) my custom nail color!! it’s a blend of ballet slippers and egging it on.

2) I finally purchased new sneakers!! first pair of non-running shoes since 2019.

3) my little brother is having a baby 😳 so I’m knitting a baby cardigan for my new project

4) I am firmly in the middle of my training plan and the half marathon is in April!!!!

#personal #doula to midwife #kaywillbeadnp #kayandthegoldendays #joyful

[kayandthegoldendays]

love "et cetera" like... theres soooo much more. beyond your wildest imaginations. Not gonna tell u what tho. Move on

[kayandthegoldendays]

it's a new day + the sun rose + you're alive + you're alive + you're alive + your heart is beating + you're breathing + you're alive

[kayandthegoldendays]

reconnected with an “old” new friend. we kept brushing shoulders randomly, and the universe kept having us bump in and say we would hang out or meet etc etc.

And finally tonight we bumped into each other again and made plans. And there’s something so giddy and exciting about it because new friends are like magic.

#personal #so so so excited #it took us a year of running into each other after we first met

[kayandthegoldendays]

It’s been a brutal three days. My client, who is one of the most sensitive and kind humans ever walked hand in hand with her husband to be induced a few days ago. Hopeful yet worried, they both followed the orders of their high risk OB to bring forth this tiny human by their estimated due date.

my heart fell to pieces as I tried to advocate like pulling teeth for her to get a fighting chance at laboring the way she wanted to, to finally experience the one thing that she journeyed all this way to do. Her hazel eyes rimmed with red, were brought to tears by the hospital staff between fear mongering, out right bullying and foreshadowing. I stumbled into labor and delivery furious yet forced to be composed and it never fails to amaze me how the tune changes whenever I step into a room. The voices become lighter, suddenly nurses are asking not telling, providers want to have conversations and it’s as if nothing is amiss. It meant however I had to stand guard by her bed one and off for over 24 hours which was brutal to my own nervous system. I remember reading once that in the USA we embrace birth with how to prepare to battle the external and it was so evidently clear on this day.

What broke me though was looking into the eyes of a woman who battled to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, and suffered horrific late losses say that her body was failing her. I wanted to tear apart that bloody room piece by piece. They have convinced her it was a failure on her part instead of saying the truth. And I wasn’t about to have it.

So I spoke the truth.

This isn’t a bodily failure. It’s a system failure. It’s a system that has disregarded the trauma of infertility and loss. It’s a system that has convinced women to seek external sources of validation for everything even the function of their bodies. It’s a system that fueled fear instead of safety. It’s a system that was designed with a capitalist perspective versus a humanistic one. And none of this began with her.

it truly breaks my heart to bear witness to someone losing belief in themselves. This will trickle over the next several weeks, and we will do the work as we always do to catch her before it spirals. We will nourish in the postpartum, heal the wounds that have been etched open, we will seek peace in a story that was brutalized with harshness, and some day soon those hazel eyes will also understand the truth. She deserved better.

But goodness, it’s heartbreaking to think of how many times we have to do this. Picking up the pieces of a broken system, and I am tired of being told this is why we exist as if it somehow makes the injustice against women okay. Peace on Earth begins at birth…when will this end.

#personal #kaywillbeamidwife #birth tales #words words words

[kayandthegoldendays]

I am back in NYC. It’s been a slow few days and today my first baby of the spring will be on their way via induction.

I feel so settled in at home but externally so many things are changing. Friends are moving, family is in chaos, birthdays are booming, and I feel this wonky urge to hide under a rock while the dust settles.

For the first time in many years there’s no master plan, I have to classes to look forward to in the fall, babies being born each month, and this unwavering love for my work only grows year by year. But that’s all I have, my studies and my work which didn’t feel like a bad thing until I had a matchmaker reach out to me recently. A half hour phone call sent me into an existential crisis until I realized that nutty one in that phone call wasn’t me. I have decided no one is allowed to create panic in me especially unfounded. It’s not against the law to be single, and I’m really grateful I’ve only known my adult life solo because I don’t know anything else. It doesn’t feel “off” to me.

later in the day I went by a sample sale and found this cashmere set (orig $500+) that I had been eyeing online for some time!! I snagged it immediately and I’ve been cozy and content with my purchase. I rarely buy clothing so it feels extra special when I do.

my evening stop by Trader Joe’s meant I could pick up tulips for my living room! They’re bright pink.

today I’ll snooze. Inductions are like marathons so I am hydrating and preparing to have a long on-call day.

#personal #studyblr #nycdiaries #kaywillbeamidwife

[kayandthegoldendays]

㋡🥀

[kayandthegoldendays]

it’s happy here.

#personal #nicaragua