lovewarmthandloneliness

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

is anyone else just……..really tired. like deep in your bones tired

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

You know what people don’t talk about often enough? Playing catch up in life after spending your teens or early 20s suicidally depressed. There’s so many more layers than just being able to say “I don’t want to die anymore.”

The difficulty in academia or a career after spending years thinking you wouldn’t be alive long enough for any of it to matter.

The exhaustion that comes from self awareness and self soothing, with the constant voice in your head saying “don’t go backwards.”

How lonely it is to watch the people your age starting families when you’re just barely learning what stable relationships are, and the sudden societal pressure of being “up against a clock” for these kinds of things.

The judgement from others if you change your image or interests this late in the game just because you finally figured out who you really are under the demons.

Be kind to those who are developing and blooming after years of not planning on being here long. We are living a life we absolutely didn’t think we’d have, and it’s hard enough without society reminding us there’s expectations of our age.

We didn’t get to be young; we were too busy fighting battles few know.

-

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

today is like....top 3 worst days of my life

idk what to do anymore.

#might lose my family home #the place i grew up in & still live in #my asshole father who left my mom years ago has decided that he wants to sell it #and my mom doesnt want to sell it #so its going to end up in an expensive lawsuit probably #and ofc we cant afford that #because he has all the money and all the contacts #im looking around and all i see are reminders of my childhood #this is my HOME #i cant lose it to this deranged asshole #and it makes me feel so nauseous to think about it being sold to strangers #my family lives here #our old friends ...our neighbors ...everyone is here #we cant just leave this place???? #this is all too much for me #i hate him so so so much #oh god i am so terrified of the future #how is this going to end???? #please just let my family and me rest #i am so so SO FUCKING TIRED #please let us be happy #rant

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

#holy shit #its so bad right now

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

i dont have many therapy sessions left until termination and im so worried about my upcoming session bc i feel like there's nothing to talk about anymore which makes those sessions REALLY difficult because i always feel like i'm being squeezed out like a lemon and i also feel guilty and upset bc i wanna fully use the time that i have with my amazing therapist but i guess i can't anymore????

#rambles #therapy

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

#mental health

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

So embarrassing but who cares. But so embarrassing but who cares but it’s so embarrassing but also who cares but it really is embarrassing but really who cares BUT it’s so embarrassing though probably nobody cares but it’s embarrassing asf and nobody cares but

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

Social anxiety has me thinking dumb stuff like “if I go in this store when they’re closing in an hour the employees will hate me and want to kill me” which is especially dumb to think bc I worked retail before, it’s only like the last 20 minute that they want to kill you

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

me: i have been ruminating about this for so long and i really want to do this risky thing ..

therapist: *smiles* please do.

me: ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

#HUHHHH???? #THERAPIST AFFIRMING MY CHOICES?????????? #the fact that she told me to do it means that im gonna stop worrying about it #i love her sm and i really want her to think im cool so im gonna do the dangerous thing #therapy #rambles

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!! continues not only living like this but in fact gets actively worse with time

#glad im not the only one

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

learning that people want you in their lives is a skill you can develop if it does not come naturally

#......but what if they feel bad for me

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

I'm scared to have friends, to have romantic partners, to just have someone beside me. I'm scared that they will only leave and abandon me, only leave bruises, scars, and pain. I'm scared that I'll get too close, get too attached to them, being dependent on them, and come off as clingy or weird or whatever. I'm scared that if I open up they will use my flaws against me. I'm scared that they will hate me for being myself, hate me for anything i do and hate me for no reasons. I'm scared to find myself being alone and lonely if they're not here with me, because I'm supposed to be okay with my loneliness. I'm scared, too scared to let someone in. too scared just to even type out a text, give a call, or even start a convo, to reach out for someone. to ask someone to be my friend, to be here for me, to be here with me, to listen to me, to have fun with me, anything they could do with and for me. because I have assumed they will leave as soon as they walk into my life.

#rejection #anxiety #avpd

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

DEERGIRL WRAPPED

you RAN away 10925 times

you blinked your big brown eyes 100000000000 times

you ate 109392933993929939282 berries

you stood really really still 523 times

you fell in love 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 times

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

I get the ick from people so quickly it's like if you slight me in the most insignificant way my brain will now perceive you as A Threat Tm and I will slowly but surely distance myself from your presence

#me

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

gave my therapist a little christmas gift on my way out and she was so surprised that she stumbled and stuttered and i think thats funny and cute and how will i ever live without her

#therapy #rant

[lovewarmthandloneliness]

such a weird feeling to be part of a generation that has essentially been prevented from being able to afford typical adult milestones like buying a car or getting your own place while also being taught to think that at 25 we're old and washed up. like are we stunted or are we ancient