memoirs-of-learning-dad

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

I have spent days, weeks months trying to find good help on YouTube. and this guy gets it

Polar Warriors. https://youtube.com/@PolarWarriors

PS, I'm not a paid promoter, I just genuinely feel like he puts into words, my feelings .

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

I wish there was some way I could just stay manic all the time. I love the look on my kid's face when I'm playing with full on energy around her.

I just want to be left alone now. Like I have no energy to step out of my bed baby. But you don't get it, you're too young to understand emotions, let alone bipolar and depression. Your mom is a full blown adult, who had all the resources to research about this and she doesn't get it. I don't expect her to, I don't expect anybody to.

Sometimes I feel you'll just be better off without me around, but then I won't get the chance to see you grow up. I want to watch every fucking minute of it. You're an amazing person already, I am so excited to see how you become an adult. But you know what is going to happen, right? Ya, you're going to despise me, just like your mother secretly does. It's ok. I'll do my part, the illness is part of me, I'll give you some bad memories, I'll live with that. but I'll work hard everyday to learn and be better. to give you the best possible father. That's why I won't give up and go away. That's why I'll keep pushing myself. No matter how hard it feels today, tomorrow will be different. It must be. Just push through today.

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

It might seem like the only posts that show up here are negative or rants. I guess that's how it works for me? I am just selfish, I don't feel like sharing my happiness on here (maybe I'm just afraid I might lose some) but when it's sadness or anger or frustration it needs to come out somewhere?

Mental illness sucks. It's lonely being mentally ill not having anyone get it. Don't get me wrong, loved ones are always here, they support, they help, they understand. But nobody gets it, do they? How do I explain it? When something annoys the fuck out of me, and the question gets thrown at me "but why is it bothering you?". Ya, exactly, I don't know. It's annoying the fuck out of me, and not knowing why is annoying me even more.

The voices. I thought everyone had those, well, it doesn't seem like it? I read this the other day, somewhere online "I listen to music to keep the voices in my head away". I guess that's why I just have this thing for music.

What's the point of this post? I don't know. I have been scouring the internet for people - like me, or who get me; blogs or videos or articles. There's a ton. But all of them speak about the illness, not how to integrate the illness into normal life? I don't know, I really don't. I can feel it, I guess the crash is coming. I was happy and manic all these weeks I think. Now I'm lost? Spiraling? Ya, I'm here because I literally have nowhere else to go. What am I seeking? I don't know - I go to therapy, I have friends, I have work, I have family. Something still is lacking. I'm not happy, nothing triggered this sadness. I don't think so, I have had a pretty nice week overall. Ya, as I said. I can't explain it and it sucks. Mental illnesses suck.

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

So many things on my mind today. This is a safe space for me - it's my journal, memoirs (the hint is in the name)! I suppose I can talk about anything here? One common theme in all the things on my mind today? My mental illnesses.

Number 1 in that list of things on my mind, parenting. It's tough being a parent. It's tougher doing it with absolutely no support system, no breaks & no days off. Let's make it more interesting, and throw in a little bit of bipolar and ADHD, and things start getting really interesting. Time to dive deeper?

Not having a support system sucks. Do y'all know the first time I ever held a baby? My own daughter - I read up so much before, watched so many videos, about parenting and pregnancy etc etc. But nothing prepares you for the real thing. I will honestly admit, before my daughter was born, this is how unprepared I was - I had never seen a diaper in my life, I didn't know what formula was. And then there was this person in my arms. Thanks to COVID, we had no one helping us - like literally, it was just paapu, partner and me for almost 13 months. Even now, we are just teaching each other along the way, figuring it out as and when a new challenge shows up; reddit, YouTube, video calls with parents. But it's not the same as having someone help you or teach you. One of the worst things about living as an immigrant is being completely cut off from your old life, in a sense. Granted, we are lucky that technology has now given us tools that I'm able to see my parent's faces live everyday. But it's not the same. As an immigrant, your friends become your family. We need to get over our introversion and go ask for help from friends sometimes.

It's exhausting as it is, and with my mental condition, it is just draining. Mentally, emotionally, physically. If you've never interacted with a 2 year old toddler you'll not know what I'm talking about. it's called the "terrible twos" apparently, now I know why. One moment they're the cutest, sweetest beings on earth, and the other, your worst nightmare. The look in her eyes, when she walks up to hug or kiss me, just holding her in my arms - best feeling ever! Holding those tiny arms, that feeling when she's sitting in my lap and reading a book? No words to describe it. But then, they know exactly what buttons to press to upset you as well. As I said, I haven't seen many babies - but all my relatives or friends who have, tell me that my daughter is a bit extra rebellious, hyperactive, and wild. Sometimes, it scares the s*** out of me. Are bipolar and ADHD genetic? Experts don't know for sure, what if? I really don't want to go down that rabbit hole. Even typing that sentence, and my heart rate is up, I'm shaking my legs nervously. God please spare her from all these struggles.

I have known about bipolar for a couple of years now so I have some grip over the way my bipolar affects me. I have very little patience, I'm short of temper. But therapy and constant practice in coping mechanisms help a lot. But ADHD? I got diagnosed just 3 or 4 months back. I'm just now learning about all the symptoms - some things I am aware of are a compulsive need to put stuff away immediately after using them; uneasiness when daily routine changes; irritated by having to tell the same things repeatedly; if something is not going according to plan or according to how I expected it, I start freaking out. Imagine all these triggers with a toddler. The medications and therapy helps with coping, to a great extent, but y'all have to understand. I have lived my entire life undiagnosed - "prior to therapy" way of thinking and coping was normal for me. I thought literally everybody goes through the same feelings and emotions, so wrong I was. So suddenly being conscious about these illnesses, seeing those patterns in behavior, understanding what the triggers are, figuring out what parts are the disorder, what parts are actually me? It's a long process. Understanding my mind and being in peace with it.

And then there's my partner. She is a perfectionist. She wants only the best possible upbringing for our daughter, to the point that subconsciously I think I'm putting too much undue pressure on myself to make everything perfect. We both make mistakes, I make them more. My threshold for patience is lower, so I tend to walk away more often. But yes, when I'm walking away I'm evidently upset - either cursing under my breath or ignoring my daughter's calls. Today this exact thing happened and partner doesn't like it. When I do calm down I come back to my daughter and apologize for my behavior and explain to her what upset me. I don't know how much a 2 year old retains, but that's a healthy way of coping, no? After paapu slept my partner told me she specifically had a problem with my cursing. She doesn't want "our family to use that kind of language". I felt like it was a bit much, paapu hardly heard me. And also I wasn't going off like Tupac's Hit 'em up either. I think I muttered "f this, get lost". I mean I agree with her in the overall idea, but it's not easy to change the way I speak overnight, or even in days. Look, I'm no street guy in the real sense, I work a desk job in a top organization, but I grew up in a tough environment. I mean, I'm still privileged, my parents gave me a good education, good values, set me up for a successful life. But I still grew up with folk who weren't necessarily cultured. I have had a very wild college life. Skipped every lecture, got into drugs, alcohol, partying, and did some real f'd up s*** I'm not proud of. So it's going to take time to unlearn and learn a new way of speaking. Is this my justification for cursing around my toddler when I'm upset? Maybe? I'm not convinced by it though, I have had 2 years to work on this. I don't know the point of this, I'm upset at my wife? I'm going to speak with her about this anyway, maybe tomorrow morning? She'll understand I'm sure. But what really has gotten me so upset? Maybe we can both work through it. Amazing, how my emotions go from 0-100-0 in a matter of days/hours. Is that normal? Or is it bipolar?

I also want to write a little about this awesome post I read on reddit the other day. Somebody had posted a question about "weird intrusive thoughts that ADHD/OCD folk have that they think are completely normal". The responses blew my mind. There were so many comments summarizing exactly how I felt - and it's both encouraging and disappointing. It feels good to know that there are people out there thinking the exact same way, no matter how weird it might seem to the outside world, if you knew you knew kinda thing. Then there's the other side, some of those things and thoughts? I thought they were my things, unique to my personality - things that define me somehow. Is it all just a symptom of an illness? Do two illnesses describe such a big part of me and my personality?

Anyway, there were so many things there, that made me go like OMG that's not normal? Like, someone had posted about how they go through an entire scenario of physically painful circumstances and actually imagine those things - like looking at a car crash or reading about an accident and thinking about how the injuries would feel to me if I was in there and then suddenly freak out because I could actually imagine it in third person perspective. Before, even small routine things like going to get my blood work done freaks me out and I used to trip for a couple of days prior at least. Like what if the needle is infected? What if they puncture my vein or something? Blood spurting everywhere! Sounds ridiculous? Tell that to me when I'm wide awake late night tripping about it the day before. But now when such thoughts come, I just push through the scary part of imagination and then there's literally nothing else next in that scenario. Like keep asking yourself what next? And at some point the story becomes ridiculous.

Then there was this other thing which was so relatable. Going on a highway at 70mph and suddenly there's a thought or urge to just abruptly jerk the steering wheel around. I mean I'm never doing it consciously but that thought just pops up and immediately goes away. And I'm like what was that all about. I tried to show that to my partner thinking she would relate or understand what I'm saying or feeling. Guess the first thing she said? That if that's true I shouldn't be driving with paapu. Huh? This convo was on text, so I really couldn't figure out if she was serious or sarcastic, I seriously hope it's the latter. Am I mad at her because I think she meant the former? That's another thing I want to ask her tomorrow. I mean it's normal for me, these intrusive thoughts, and I know they just come and go, I never act or anything on them, but does she understand that? How does a non-ADHD mind process intrusive thoughts like that, do they even get them?

BTW everything I wrote above? Someone had mentioned this too. Taking a tiny thought or a small thing somewhere and the mind just spirals out of control. Future tripping as my therapist calls it. But that's why I'm here writing this journal to let my thoughts flow naturally and that helps me put things into perspective and come out of this with a better mindset.

One last thing, about how a small part of a song like one sentence or a couple of bars gets stuck in your head? In a loop? For hours? Ya, I thought that was special about me. Your see, I'm not educated in music. Like I don't even know the basics, I tried my hand at self teaching guitar once. But I listen. Like I really love listening. Listening. Trying to listen to the different sounds, trying to figure out the instrument, learning the lyrics to selected songs. We humans have such a deep connection with music, it's one of the most beautiful things that we as humans have ever created. My relationships with music is a different post on its own (some day), but let's focus on the thing about small parts that get stuck in my head? They're usually these small tiny details in songs that I catch after listening to a song on repeat for hundreds of times. Like obsessively listen to that full song to catch that one or two bits I like. My taste in music keeps changing, some day I'm into classic rock, the next day listening to gangster rap. and the immediate next song will be a foreign language love song. Currently, I'm in nostalgia mode. I am listening to the really popular radio songs from the time when I was 18 (for some absolutely unknown reason). If anyone is reading, here's three songs and the bits that are stuck in my mind, and I'm obsessively listening to are

50 Cents - In Da Club. The stanza where he raps, "my flow, my show, got me the dough" until "Look *****, I done came up and I ain't changed"

Akon - I wanna love you. Now this one will be tricky to describe, it's not a lyric or a tune that I'm stuck on. it's just the sound of one instrument that is going in a loop the entire song. It is the keyboard/Casio sound, I think? If you pay close attention, for the first three notes there's echo, then there's no echo for the next three notes. I don't know how else to describe it. It would be amazing if you know what I'm talking about and noticed it after reading this, please comment if you do!

Usher - Yeah! This one is also a specific sound that you can hear during certain times of the song. It's a flute like sound that plays faintly when the chorus is playing the first time around the one minute mark. When the words "Yeah!" is being sung, you can hear the faint flute like sounds which has roughly about 5 notes.

What do I conclude with? What has this post been about? Just a rant? Parenting struggles? learning about ADHD? The weird relationship between music and mental illness? All of them? For me? Work on cursing less around my daughter, maybe replace those words with asked words to express intense emotion? Like Darn blah blah. Keep exploring and learning more about ADHD.

Until next time Tumblr!

#parenting #adhd #music

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

Wow, I'm such a b****. Rereading that last post, and it's almost like I'm on the brink of emotional cheating? Slandering my ally, my best friend, mother of my daughter? And for what exactly? Because she was having a rough day and didn't give me enough attention on my birthday? I mean I know I'm just here trying to put my emotions into words and it's anonymous, but all that I wrote last time is out there on the internet. And it is disrespectful to my wife and the integrity of our relationship. No, I need to correct it. To anybody who reads my posts and happens to have read the last one, about me crying like a little b**** about how I'm "giving", and the good guy, and all needy and self-absorbed and craving attention on my birthday, you have to know the other side of the story. I need to put the next part of that story out, and own up to how wrong and petty I was last time! Obviously, this one is going to be about some self reflection I guess and making things right. So please bear with me!

A big part of being a good parent is to understand and accept when you are wrong, unlearn those things and try and learn a new better way of doing that thing. Like, one example, my therapist addresses her SO as "partner" . It was new to me, and I immediately assumed she maybe had a non-straight (hope that's PC) relationship/marriage and that's why addressed her SO as "partner". Then, she talked about her kids, I thought, maybe she is actually in a straight marriage with kids! Now, that's interesting to my curious mind! English is not my first language, so I usually tend to address my SO as "wife", that's not the only reason though, is it? I grew up in a traditional family with a culturally patriarchal social system. So, there was this system of hierarchy or authority at home, an unwritten corporate ladder in a way. The father/husband/man-of-the-house was number one, the guy on top who makes the final call, who has the power to veto any other decision. Then there's the mother/wife/equally-responsible-for-proper-functioning-of-house-but-still-for-some-reason-number-2. I suddenly started thinking that, the word wife represents this outdated idea and family structure ... like it has a certain tone? or paints a certain picture in your mind? And I haven't even started talking about same sex marriages - husband and wife? Felt wrong on many levels! But "partner"? Yep that sounds perfect and complete and inclusive if you ask me. My wife/partner has an equal/a huge role to play in the proper functioning of our house, my daughter sees that, I want her to see that I see that, we need to acknowledge and appreciate it. Yes, she's my partner. We are 50-50 in everything.

Now with that out of the way, about my birthday, Tumblr gave me a nice gift on that day! Or rather the person who commented on my previous post! I am new to Tumblr and I don't know if I can tag you or something, but the person who commented on my previous post? If you're reading this one and have had the patience to read until here (lol) THANK YOU! Just knowing that someone out there actually read my long posts? AND connected and related with it, commented positive responses on it? I swear you brought a tear to my eye! Looks like I'm not absolutely alone in these day to day struggles?

Anyway back to the story, I slept after making that post, the next morning, I literally opened my eyes to my partner standing there with a big smile on her face wishing me "happy birthday". Yep, I was so happy, delighted even - but I just said thanks with a small smile and walked away, why? Obviously, the man-child in me had to throw a tantrum, and my bipolar a** had to escalate and drag the situation more than it was supposed to, right? Inevitable, no?

She went downstairs without a word, I went in for my regular read-stuff-on-phone-on-the-pot-for-40-minutes routine, and read the comments on my post. I took away quite a few things from just those few simple words, kind stranger.

you are right, about the giving and reciprocating thing being a personality trait, 100% agreed. I just made that woman joke to try and keep things light, I guess? I have been watching Bill Burr lately, maybe that influenced my humor a little, lol? Jokes aside, I agree with you, because I myself am not a very emotionally expressive person. Maybe my untreated illnesses or just being busy in the grind for making a better life and career, I guess I never properly paid attention to learning emotional regulation, healthy coping mechanisms, etc. I'm not that giving myself either - it takes me a lot to trust someone and be vulnerable with them. One week I'm all giving and all touchy and the next I'll not utter a word. But all that is changing - a combination of getting a proper diagnosis to understand my own behavior patterns, good medication, a good therapist and generally just a new perspective to life after becoming a parent, has grounded me and I'm trying to become more emotionally stable, cope better, manage expectations. With all that being said, I think I have to emphasize how kind of a person my partner is, how giving she is and how receptive she is. Yes, I was down and sad that she was distant, but it's the circumstances and not the person. There are a lot of factors for her to behave the way she did. Don't forget, she's the mother of a really hyperactive 2 year old who has serious strangers anxiety right now and is clingy to her mother all the time, until she sleeps! And over that, household chores, a high stress job, a man-child husband acting like a fool. Moreover, it's not my information to share, so to put it vaguely, her family has suffered a major trauma this year, so she still had some knowing bag days from that incident. And that kind of justifies her trying to be there for her sister. And it's not like she completely ignored my thing either. So, I guess it's ok for her to be checked out sometimes? This is on me - I knew all these facts and circumstances, but I was not consciously aware of them. That or/and me being a little self absorbed and excited in my own head about my birthday.

And yes, capitalism+job is a factor! But guess who she is working hard for? Our family. I know for a fact, that she wasn't sitting there working at 9PM after putting a 2 year old to sleep, regular household chores, because she wanted to. I wouldn't want her to quit or lose her job, I mean if she wanted to willingly quit, yes. Her income is important for us to provide the best possible future for our child. Hell I'm not even ashamed to admit, that her job, and in turn a consequence of capitalism and wealth is giving me a good life! We have both lived with literally bare necessities when we first moved to this country. We worked hard and have been tremendously lucky to be living with relative financial privilege now. She has worked really hard and deserves to be in this position, this career and she has every right to put in as much effort as she wanted and I should be supporting her, and I will! And again, selfishly admitting, her job is helping us live a better quality of life, and I like it and appreciate it.

Wow drifted away again, coming back to my birthday. After all the potty introspection and enlightenment I headed downstairs, and found her sitting on the sofa silently crying and trying to sort herself out as soon as she realized I was going to walk in. But I saw her. It broke my heart, always does. I walked over to her, and tried to console her. Over she was calm, I tried to express what I was feeling, again thanks to my therapist, I was able to have a really civil and calm conversation, express what affected me, listen, like really listen to what she had to say, her feelings and emotions, and we resolved our differences. Before therapy and medication, this was one of those situations which could easily blow up into a full blown argument or fight and me getting angry, oof! Toxic.. Untreated mental illnesses are hell, but with the right help and support and understanding people around (who love you unconditionally and support your, even though they are directly or indirectly constantly affected by the illness), everybody has a chance to live the ideal life they want to.

I asked her, if we should still go out? I mean should we just stay in and relax or something? Cool down? She said she had been planning for this day for weeks, so we got ready to leave. She asked me if she could get a hug, and I just felt like we should hold off until the end of the day - please don't misunderstand me. I wasn't being petty or mean or anything, I wanted that hug so badly. But all my instincts told me we should wait. She understood. Then we went out on this amazing drive, with beautiful scenes and sunlight and ocean breeze.. Then this hidden gem of a restaurant in the middle of nowhere, with beautiful waterfront views, just special. On our way back the moment arrived which just called for a hug, and that's it felt well earned, valuable and precious. Trying to put that feeling into words is impossible so I'm just going to leave it at that.

Obviously, paapu missed out on this, even though it was our date, lovers private time, we still felt guilty. So we took her out for dinner as well, and I just had such an amazing day. Nothing flashy or fancy, no parties, no surprises, no expensive gifts. Just valuable time with my girls. Especially the big one, we needed that, we both needed that.

So what is this post really about? Am I too emotionally fragile? Am I too immature for a 33 year old father of a 2 year old? Am I bad SO? Do I trip too much about unnecessary stuff? Am I a bad person for bad mouthing my soul mate? The only person in the world who knows me? My confidante? Or is all this just bipolar disorder? Or is all just normal? We have struggled a lot to be together, struggled a lot to stay together, because of both internal and external factors. We had to pass through so many storms, we have stuck with each other, out of choice - no matter what. To the point that our interdependence has become scary even, and then without any regard for all of that, I made an angry post about some silly birthday of mine. We are still going to have disagreements, and fights even, but try not to make her cry and cut down a little on narcissism? Anyway, to anybody who's reading this, what's your takeaway? Do you feel like punching me, or sympathizing or disappointed or just feel like "this guy is just having another normal day"?

What else? Obviously, I have to talk about the other girl - that little lump of joy? It's becoming a mean little girl. She's mean, dude! Toddlers are so mean. She has started to revolt now, freaking small person! How the hell are they so emotionally intelligent yet so utterly helpless? In case it's not already clear from my last few posts, I'm the parent who says no much more, so nowadays, whenever I say a stern no, she literally looks in my eyes and does that action - like wtaf! Like, she was taking out tissues from a box, I said take out just one please? She took out one. Then she reached in to get another one out, I called out and politely said "no! Didn't we agree that we will take only one?". The little meanie, looked right in my eye, and while continuously staring into my eyes, blank expression on her face, she reached into the box and pulled out as many papers as would come out. TWICE! Everybody says parenting is hard, talk about sleepless nights, physical exhaustion, moral dilemmas. But nobody prepares you for the simple fact, that kids are proper a-holes to their parents. I sincerely apologize for saying it, but it's true. They just want to see your breaking point for every small thing. Terrible twos? Ya, just started for me, and the signs don't look encouraging, but onwards we go, learning as the challenges come. Managed it till here, we'll see whatever comes next! Until next time!

#parenting #apology #self reflection #soul mates #family

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

People are just mean, everybody is so busy living their own lives and doing their own jobs, just selfish and self centered or is it me who's just too selfish and narcissistic?

I am no saint, but is it too much to have little expectation from the ones who you love? My spouse has been having a rough time since yesterday. We had some disagreements yesterday and I still reached out and thought we were ok. Then all morning I've been getting the cold shoulder and when I approached her she said she wanted to be alone and that it wasn't me. Ok, I can do that.

Then in the evening there was this other incident. Paapu loves grabbing this chair and climbing on it and doing stuff on the counter - I hate it. I think it's unsafe but my wife thinks "it keeps her occupied and quiet", "she's just exploring and experimenting", so let her be. I have been saying 100s of times this is not at all safe and she'll fall. Today she fell, and she fell on her f'ing head. In a rage of fear, guilt, panic and anger I scolded them both, aggressively said I told you so to my wife, and then said that I'm just going to trash that f'ing chair if anybody climbs on it ever again. paapu is ok thankfully, or at least she looked ok. I was losing my mind, so I just stepped away when it was her dinner time, went on a drive and calmed down. came back and tried to make small talk and received cold shoulder all night leading up to dinner.

Then this other thing happened. She had told me a couple of days back that I had to take paapu to her doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and I had to reschedule my own appointment from Friday to Monday because she wanted me to spend time with her on my birthday. Then today she tells me that my daughter's appt is actually on Monday and guess when, at the same time that I rescheduled my appointment on. Well no issues, happens, she was doing some office work on her laptop, and she's the one who manages the online stuff for the pediatrician so I asked her if she could please reschedule the appointment to another date, her exact words "I don't have time I'm busy doing office work, I'll do it later". ok, all good. Within 2 minutes her sister calls her and they chat about some bull**** for 15 minutes? Like no, I'm not making this shit up - I am bipolar, but I'm not a psycho. And no kidding, it really was a bull**** topic, like literally her sister was talking about "how a taxi driver was treating her on a trip, being rude and disrespectful" blah blah blah.

Eventually the "more important than work or rescheduling my daughter's appointment" call ended. At this point, I would sincerely like to thank my therapist! She kept telling me, to keep practicing the coping techniques, they will come in handy and they did. I immediately distracted myself, started grounding techniques, listing the colors that I was seeing around myself, counted the number of balloons we had left from paapu's birthday party week. I could feel myself coming back to reality. The fast and aggressive breathing stopped, my heart rate stabilized, hands stopped shivering - I had not realized all this was happening until it stopped. I intervened at the right time and had regained my composure by this time and asked one more time, and the whole schedule thing got sorted out. At this point I really felt like we were not in the right headspace to go out on a date tomorrow. And anyway she's been complaining about how her work had piled up and as I said she's been working extra, so I suggested she didn't need to take me out and should work instead if she wants. Oops, big mistake. Poor girl, didn't see a therapist like me, so she doesn't have the tools I have, lol /s. She got visibly angry, and told me that she's going to take the day off anyway and go do the things she has planned for us alone. There aren't really any reservations or tickets or activity planned or anything mind you. It was a quiet dinner, she finished and immediately got back to her work, I finished the rest of my dinner, set the dishes, took out trash and quietly came upstairs to the room.

Around midnight she called me downstairs. She had a big chocolate made out which contained smaller candies. She hugged me and I am expected to get a hug, forget everything and move on and just smile and take pictures? Hmm. What would've happened if the roles were reversed? Women are tough, man. They're insensitive to others feelings, unpredictable and extremely complicated. How does one live peacefully with them? I think they can't take it when they see their other halves peaceful, they just need to mess with it. The hug was it, no other convos, no I love you nothing. I'm genuinely interested in learning how to deal with women from anybody who's reading this. Because soon, paapu will grow up and once she hits teens, I AM FINISHED! These two girls are going to drive me crazy.

Sorry, this turned into a rant. I just, I want to be paid attention to for once. Nobody usually asks me how I'm doing you know? I just want my loved ones to come up to me themselves unprompted and tell me they love me for once. I need to go tell my daughter that I love her at least 100 times before she might decide to say it back once. I have to go tell my wife that I love her just so she can tell me "I love you too", because the assurance that I'm wanted and loved makes me feel safe. We don't say it often enough to each other, nobody sees that we all are just craving to hear it all the time, for our love to be reciprocated. But no, our insecurities and vulnerability, we have to wait for the other person to say it first, always, right? No matter how badly you are craving it. I have learnt over the past many years, nobody cares about how a man feels, I'm not trying to sound like one of those alpha male or incel or whatever, just stating what I experience. There's this expectation that men are tough, that they aren't emotional, they run away from feelings, they don't feel bad. My secret? I just keep them to myself, because nobody asked and I don't think anybody genuinely cares.

No wait, my mom cares. She shows me that me she loves me. Let me get this out of the way first, mom has issues, she's not perfect. She introduces a lot of drama, is manipulative, our relationship is complicated. But she's the only person in this world who loves me unconditionally - not my father, or my brother or my wife or daughter. Don't get me wrong they love me a lot and I love them a lot. I consider myself genuinely lucky to have all these members of my family, but there's an expectation of you there, like they each have a bar that you need to meet for you to get their love, it's the harsh reality of this world. But mom? No matter where I am, or how I am, what I say, or how I treat her (I have treated her really well as well as really horribly), she'd always just give me love. Moms are just like that, aren't they? They have a special bond with their kids, it's inexplicable. They're like this 24 hours all you can eat buffet where they serve love, affection, mercy and attention in unlimited supply. And guess what? I have lifetime free coupons for it!

Anyway, that's what's been going on with my life. How is everybody else on Tumblr doing? My last posts have 0 views I think, lol! Is there anybody reading this out there? I mean it's nothing special, just a bland, ordinary, guy struggling with day to day issues, but I just want to share. To understand if there's anybody else who feels the same feelings and emotions, thinks the same thoughts, lives a similar life! Am I doing it right? Am I making mistakes?

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

Haha, it is my birthday. 33 full years I have been on this earth, I don't know. Today, it all seems pointless. I guess that's what bipolar is, there's good days and bad days.

I just feel very lonely like alone. Just feel like taking a long drive somewhere - away from everything. I have been feeling this coming, the drop. Over the past several weeks I have been happy and calm. It's been 3-4 days since I have felt that depression has been coming. There's no reason really, or nothing specific either. Just the small things are hurting me, everything is offensive.

Anyway, I love my birthday, like a child and I'm going to try to fight and beat the depression. Try and force myself to be calm and happy and, just enjoy the day

#birthday #positivity

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

The biggest thing on my mind is Paapu's birthday party tomorrow. Btw paapu means baby in my native tongue and that's what I call my little one.

The little hurricane will be 2 year old. F***!! 2 years, I have done this, don't know how. Just stumbling through one day at a time, learning as I go; jumping into the deep end. We are having a party with some friends coming over. Ordered some snacks, getting a custom cake.

Today we cleaned the entire house - paapu helped as well, lol! It was hilarious she was holding a broom and acting like it was a vacuum. But it was a fun day. I'm at my best and most comfortable when the three of us spend time like this. Just doing normal things around the house, hanging out with each other. Tomorrow will be different. There will be guests.

I'm nervous. Is our house big enough to fit that many people comfortably? Is paapu gonna freak out because of all these people? She's had serious strangers anxiety the past couple of months. Are we supposed to entertain the guests or something? How do I do that? Wifey (sorry for the cliche nickname, but I'll think of something better) says she's gonna do some activities with the kids in the party. well wtf are the adults going to do? watch the kids? there are some guests that are coming who don't have kids. Am I supposed to, like, go around talking to all the people? Lol, so awkward making small talk. I don't even have that many topics to talk about, lol, forget thinking about common topics for discussion with each of them. And it's a small space everybody will be so crowded.. ugh. I seriously wish I hadn't lost my conversation skills after college.

How do you guys deal with such things? I don't want paapu to see me all nervous and awkward around people, shy, and develop the same way. She's a badass already - she's unafraid. she's not even two, and in grocery stores and parks she used to literally walk up to people look them in the eye, say hi, interact and everything. But she's becoming shy, is it because she sees us (both wife and me are kind of shy introverts) and learns? Or is it just a phase of strangers anxiety? How do I make sure she keeps her confidence and spirit?

Anyway, I hope it will be a fun couple of hours tomorrow. My parents will join via zoom, hopefully my dad doesn't spread negativity by passing some stupid comment and hurting, insulting, provoking my wife. God, I just want a birthday party with no drama, is that too much to ask? There's just been so much drama lately, oof, so much tension, it's unhealthy. I know he's going to say something to either me or my wife or do something that's going to affect me. What bothers me is that paapu is able to read my face, my expressions, my body language and figure out whenever I get sad or upset or agitated. It's amazing how much emotional intelligence a 2 year old kid has, it blows my mind. No I can't let that happen, I have to focus on maintaining my composure tomorrow, think about the party only, paapu only. It's about paapu I hope it stays about paapu. Is it normal for married/committed men? The tension between wife and parents? Is a big part of being husband, just being torn between the two parties? How do you guys deal with all that? I'm seriously open to getting suggestions. Either way, I think I have found a healthy way for myself. well at least it's been working quite well for the past couple of months - no drama. What is it, you ordinary troubled men ask? Listening. Don't try to be a hero, don't try to be a peacemaker. Both parties just want you to listen to their grievances. I believe in the goodness in people - I believe neither do your parents expect you to go fight with the spouse nor does the spouse expect you to fight with parents. Well, at least that's what I believe. Nobody wants confrontation or drama. When one party is bitching about the other, just listen - don't let the opinions register or impact, don't act. Just say the magic words "I hear you".

Anyway, I was sidetracked there quite a bit, lol. Coming back to the party, I hope it goes well. Only the best for paapu you know? I'm so looking forward to seeing her face when she cuts the cake - it's a jungle themed cake, she absolutely loves animals, seeing her being the center of attention, lovely!!

Also hoping that I can finally try and strike deeper friendships with some of the guests. I mean, I literally don't have any friends here who I can hang out with or talk. I don't know if it's COVID lockdown or just a part of growing up and becoming a parent, but I really don't feel like I have friends anymore. you know the kind you go out for a drink with or get high. Somebody you can call for when you need them. There's nobody like that for me anymore. It's been like this for almost 5 years now, it's about time I open up a bit, reach out and make some new friends. There's this couple of neighbor dudes I'm hoping to strike a deeper connection with. One's my next door neighbor, that guy is cool, we have a lot of common interests, he's geeky, into strange music, loves fantasy and movies and sci-fi, likes hikes and nature. I think we can be good friends, but I'm just scared of reaching out to him to ask to hang out. 16 months we've lived next to each other, I have asked him to go for a drink with me once. Then there's this other guy, he's smart, we hit it off immediately he had the same cultural upbringing as mine, he's a new parent too, so there's a lot of life and personal struggles and issues we can connect about and talk. But, he has a 1 year old - I know how busy and stressful it is when your kid is that young. I'm making an effort to hang out more with this guy, hoping it blossoms into a nice friendship.

So ya. No pressure, anybody who reads this, please send good wishes to paapu, and pray that everything goes well, no drama. Hope y'all have a wonderful day, after all it's a special day for me and I'm sending good vibes to the world!

#positivity #birthday #introversion #parenting #family

[memoirs-of-learning-dad]

Ok here goes..

Hello Tumblr! This is the first time ever that I'm posting something on the internet! Haha! I mean not entirely true tbh, I have posted some photos on Facebook and shared some stuff on WhatsApp status, but the last time I have ever posted something was about my move to my current city and that was 5 years ago. A lot has happened since then - I married my lovely gf, became a father, got diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD. But I have never expressed my opinions or thoughts or typed anything more than 20 words on the internet ever! I have very few friends, COVID has made it incredibly difficult to find new friends and where I am at in my life, I don't have the courage or the time to make new friends.

I mean it's easy for some people to just share stuff, you know? be expressive just put your feelings and thoughts and opinions into words and hit post! And there it is for everybody else to see! Strangers on the internet, friends, family and everybody you know knows what you're feeling. No fear of being judged, honest to yourself and people around you. Is it liberating? Is there anybody out there who's 100% true inside and outside?

I'm different. I don't have the courage to express who I am and open myself to the internet and to not care about being judged. I'm sensitive, I hate being judged. It affects me. Nobody other than my wife, my brother and his wife and my best friend know about my mental illnesses. If my parents or friends or extended relatives find out, they'll judge me and expect me to behave a certain way maybe even try to push me away. It's not common in my culture and circle to live a normal life with mental illnesses. I'm working on getting better, I take my medication regularly but the only thing people will care about is the illness. Everybody who knows us thinks I'm a good father (I like to think I'm doing ok), but I am 100% confident those same people will not feel the same way once they learn about my illnesses. I'm not gonna sit here and lie saying it doesn't affect me. Will my daughter be able to make friends in my community when her friends parents learn I'm bipolar? Why should she pay? I cannot show my true self to the world other than a few trusted people. So here I am on an anonymous platform just typing what I'm thinking without worrying about what people who know me might think!

I've spent 33 years on this earth, learning, adapting - seeking that sense of mental peace and satisfaction. Enjoying the small things. I am blessed, like genuinely blessed - God himself chose me to be the father of this beautiful person - my daughter - my life! Words cannot express what I feel for her. And this new desire to post stuff, to have a memoir of my life is for her.

I want her to have somewhere to go to learn what I was like - how I have grown over the years. How my ideals and my perspectives change with time. Who I will grow up to be. Who I will be remembered as after I die. A legacy? Something to remember this insignificant human being, one among billions trying hard every day to be a better father, to be a better husband, a loyal son, a supportive brother, a good friend.

So here goes - I'm committing to write my thoughts on here moving forward. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep up with it? But I'm going to try. I have to start somewhere. My father used to tell me when I was young to write a diary. My wife used to tell me when we got married that I need to note down my thoughts somewhere, maybe in a journal. My therapist thinks it's really healthy for me to write my thoughts. Yes, I'm taking a leap of faith - putting my faith and trust in strangers on the internet. Hear my story - it's as ordinary as it gets. Maybe that's what is going to make it special? A memoir about a regular guy, living an ordinary life, trying to be a good person - not changing the world or anything but just a cog in the machine we call a functioning society.

So my sweet little princess, this is for you. Over the first of the next few years I will post here how much I love you, how lovely and caring your mother is and how she's making me a better person everyday. You are turning 2 years old today and it's a journey for both of us. I hope to guide you on the right path and give you everything you need to make the most of your life. And this right here will hopefully be my narration of that journey!

Happy Birthday Paapu! Here's a (worthless?) gift for you - a diary to tell you my perspective of the parenting journey!

#positivity #father #ordinary things