nomimomos

[nomimomos]

How is 2018 so far?

For this year, I actually had a list of resolutions....

Was I able to not break them? Not quite, I’ve repeatedly come back to being messy and not wanting to shower and not liking myself and gaining weight and binge-eating.

I haven’t written on here in a while and when I do, it’s always just so short and depressing. 

But I guess this is really my safe space, no one reads what I put on here, so you know... it’s a little nice. To have like a secret hideout.

So now, I’m back to square one, for the 4th time. Trying to get things straightened out again. I’m learning to worry about the right things now, and worrying less about the less important things. 

So if you would ask me, 2018 isn’t like the best year ever. But hey, I’ve never had an experience of any “best year ever” so maybe at least I can still be hopeful.

I maybe be sleepless, tired, my neck is stiff as hell, and I haven’t worked out in a while... and I have been anxious to step on the scale again. But I can still work on it.

And at least I haven’t gone to drinking alcohol! Thats a start. I always get tempted to buy some when I get my own money. I still need to work on my binge eating habit though. I know that its not a good habit at all. I need to control my life.

If I can have, even the tiniest grip on my life for the entirety of 2018, then I’m still gonna be overall happy. Not perfect like I want to be but still, you have to appreciate things.

[nomimomos]

01.14.2018

Why is everything turning upside down again? 

[nomimomos]

So my student gave me this article...

Finland is really good at stopping bullying. Here's how they're doing it. Imagine you're back in middle school or high school. The bell just rang, so you're walking to your next class, minding your own business. Then you walk around the corner and see this: Scene: A boy is bullying another boy. What would you do? Unfortunately, this is a pretty common scene. About a fourth to a third of all students report that they've been bullied in school. And while a single bad encounter might be easy to brush off, bullying often doesn't happen just once. For many kids, it's a long , awful campaign of continual harassment, injury, and exhaustion. And bullying can also cause depression, anxiety, health complaints, and even dropping out of school. It's not great. So back to that question: If you saw bullying , what would you do? Finland has been asking folks this question for a while, and they found that the answer people give is really important. Finland has one of the most successful education systems in the world, so it's not surprising that they've used this question about bullying to pioneer a brand new and super effective bullying prevention program in schools. Finland's anti-bullying program is called KiVa, short for "kiusaamista vastaan," which means "against bullying." KiVa includes many different resources, like tools for teachers and parents and in-classroom lessons. But one of the most interesting aspects is how the program focuses on teaching bystanders what to do if they see bullying. Teachers are not always around, so they can't always help. But other students often are. "Our findings are the first to show that the most tormented children - those facing bullying several times a week -can be helped by teaching bystanders to be more supportive." One of the most interesting ways KiVa teaches this bystander empathy is through computer games and simulations. In one of the games, the kids take control of cartoon avatars that are put in a variety of bullying situations they might encounter in school. " For instance, they might witness a bullying incident and they have to decide what to do; whether to defend the victim or do something else." " There are different options on how to defend the victims. Their choices have consequences and lead to new situations." Basically, the programs are kind of like choose-you-own- adventure stories for bullying, allowing the kids to see what consequences might come from certain actions, all in a virtual setting. The students are also given advice and feedback about what to say to someone who has been bullied. The program can help teach the students to be more empathetic and supportive to bullying victims. And the date shows that the program works too. The data shows that KiVa reduced the odds of a given student being bullied by about one-third to one-half. That's huge. And not only that, but early data shows that the program might also help reduce depression and increase self-esteem for kids who have already been bullied. Bullying is a perennial , awful problem that's tough to eliminate. And there's probably never going to be a one-size-fits-all solution.

[nomimomos]

01.14.2018; 11:01

today is good... i’m happy :)

[nomimomos]

01.13.2018

Why is such a poor excuse of a human being like me even exist? What is the meaning of being a good person? 

Dear ground, 

Swallow me deep please. 

[nomimomos]

01.12.2018; 6:47

I woke up late for my first lesson so I got a 204 code :( But I still managed to reopen some of the slots. Sadly some of the slots remained empty :( 

I hope the rest of the slots get filled in this afternoon. *fingers crossed*

[nomimomos]

01.11.2018; 15:52

Me and my mom went to work on my taxes again. It turns out they still need to register something and I need to pay some fees before I officially become a taxpayer. I feel so tired but it’s better to feel tired now than have tax problems in the future. 

Anyways I still got to nap which is nice and now I’m preparing for my afternoon-night classes. 

I feel hungry lol and I need to shower.

[nomimomos]

01.09.2018; 23:06

Help. My brain. Is at it. Again.

[nomimomos]

01.09.2018 16:20

I didn’t get to nap that long :( I also had a nightmare where I got roasted in a job interview. 

#what #why #lol

[nomimomos]

01.01.18;10:42

HIIIII HAPPY NEW YEARSSSS

I'm so happy to announce that I still managed to workout today! *^*

Before I forget... HERE IS MY LIST OF NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THIS YEAR.

1. Stay sober for the entirety of 2018. (I CAN DO THISSSS)

2. Exercise regularly, at least every other day.

3. Eat breakfast before 9 am

    Eat lunch on time

    Eat dinner before night lessons!

4. Sleep more (-.- zzzzzz)

5. See a therapist before APRIL.

6. Stick to my meal plan as much as I can. 

7. Talk/interact more with family and friends. 

8. Practice having more self-confidence little by little. >-<

9. Write at least once everyday. 

(internal self) GO GO GO NATH SMASH 2018 *^*

#new years resolution #setting goals #self care #what am i even saying #lol #anyways im determined #smash 2018

[nomimomos]

8 months ago... I made a commitment to myself to die at the age of 20, which would be this year, October 3rd. I was already looking at memorial plans. I evaluated all ways to go. I've already shopped for equipment. And yet I was still living everyday, able to pass it off as another normal day.

I got into unbelievable habits, self-harm, substance abuse, the whole enchilada. I was just ready for all of this to be over. But the reason I put it on hold until I turn 20 is because, I want everything taken care of.

Funnily enough, as fate might have probably put it, such habit brought me to someone. This time not because he wants to compete on how much I can drink or not even because he wanted to ask me a favor. He saw how I acted and became...curioused.

We became friends, and I even had some work related business with him. He knew I was unstable but it didn't stop him from speaking his mind when I was being over the top upset at myself for no reason. Slap me back to reality and calms me down. To cut the story short, 113 days from ago, I told him I liked him. I never expected him to like me back, I just wanted to air it out and eventually forget about it. But then he said he felt the same way. So we dated. Knowing in the back of our heads that I still plan to die. He knew because he saw, and I allowed him to see me. It was a very uneasy situation to get into, I don't even know why would he date someone who basically printed down their own expiration date already. Because I knew I was happy, but happiness was never constant, and I was determined to go through my plan.

Whenever we get to talk about the topic, we would call it "the plan" as if were making some kind of project.

We would talk about life, what he wanted to do, and what I wanted to do, which eventually became what WE wanted to do. We talked about getting a dog and name her Doodle, we swore to go to Disneyland together, we planned about him going to meet me, all the classic long distance relationship checklists. So I, naturally volunteered to write everything down while we were on a call. Then for some reason, I started crying, and I still remember calling his name, making him pause what he was saying. And then I said, "I don't think I wanna do the plan anymore."

But I was scared that it wouldn't be constant anyways, so I didn't want to commit and say that I will never think of going back to the plan. Because its what helped me get through life for a few months before I met him, because no matter what happened, I have a plan.

And he didnt force me to let it go, up to this date, our plans for the future is called "PLAN B" But we're working on it, to make it "our plan" "WE"

So yeah, it was indeed a plot twist. But I'm really lucky to have a Plan B. Watch me turn 20 and live 2018, because so far, I plan on sticking to Plan B.

[nomimomos]

12.16.17; 7:17

I know a lot of people who would say, there is always good in everything, sometimes, just being shadowed by the negative things in life. And today, I think, I can make use of that philosophy, because looking at it in one perspective, I'm sick, I don't my voice, and it's freezing cold. Today can easily be named as one of the "bad days" in my life, I can't work because I would need my voice.

BUUUUUT looking at it now, after I've cleared my head a little bit, I realized I can make use of this day and not waste it at all. 1. I get more rest time. Which is incredible because I haven't been getting much sleep recently. 2. I get to eat DURING meal hours not before or after it. 3. I get to write more. 4. I get to read more. 5. I get to talk to the person I love more. 6. I get to think of creative ideas more.

I'm actually about to get started on a "project" of mine. And while I can't use my voice and I have to keep my throat safe and be quiet. My brain is being so loud. And so I will write, endlessly.

Today is a good day. ^-^

[nomimomos]

12.14.17; 23:14

Hiiiii~* Sooo let's recall what happened yesterday! As much as I wanted to nap the whole day, my brain is so awake that I couldn't fall asleep >.< and there were so many things to do !!! What I did yesterday was do chores, such as laundry, cooking and cleaning around the house and then from 6pm to 11:30 pm I thought 12 students ^-^

which ended up being a bad idea because during the last 2 lessons, I started feeling dizzy and nauseous, I was lucky I got to finish all my lessons today.

Tonight however is another story. :( I had to cancel my last lesson for 11:30 (it was the only slot left that I was allowed to cancel) because I started to lose my voice and it became so apparent. One of my students, Tomoki-san, although I know he's also very tired today, since we finished our discussion 15 minutes earlier, wanted me to immediately rest and feel better >-<

I did have a lot of fun teaching today though!!! I had previous students who went to have lessons again with me today which really touched my heart <3 There was Masa-san of course, (one of my favorites) who got me thinking of getting started already on my New Years Resolutions hahahaha Yuki-san was still very persevering in answering all of our exercises! And again, Tomoki-san who was very thoughtful.

But that doesn't mean I didn't have fun my new students as well! If I'm going to pick, I think the most memorable new student for today would be Mizu-san *^* He is a very opinionated person, which made the discussion very exciting and fun. He wasn't afraid of expressing his opinion even if it just so happened that sometimes we have differences. Also, I thought him about the villi today >w< (and he likes to eat in Mang Inasal, maybe next time I'll ask him about that, maybe he's been to the Philippines already)

SOOOOO TO END THIS DAY! I'm gonna be brewing some ginger tea, gargling a lot of times and making sure that tomorrowwwww I will not be saying a word and I will be on vocal rest for fast recovery. Will update again tomorrow!~*

[nomimomos]

12.13.17; 8:52

Hiiiiiiiii so I took the morning off today and decided I wanna sleep more and eat more and dye my hair and just do much more thingssss I'm going to be honest, recently I haven't been eating properly recently, and normally I would feel so anxious about that but now that I'm so busy, it just feels like drinking and eating is such a waste of time. Yesterday, after a lot of attempts of forcing myself to sleep, I ended up looking for more information about Bipolar II disorder, just to kind of see more symptoms and so I can kind of see how I got diagnosed with the disorder.

And the information that I found gave a tip to stay emotionally stable: 1. Stay properly medicated. (I have not done this yet.) 2. Get 8-9 hours of sleep everyday. 3. Eat properly. 4. Exercise everyday.

And I thought to myself, HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GET ALL OF THAT DONEEE recently I have been trying to eat properly as much as I can, and exercise everyday, but I'm having trouble of the sleep department.

I guess it also helps that I write on here just to kinda keep myself tracked. Usually I write here when I'm super hyper and happy because I've come to not have a good relationship with the things I've written when I'm upset. BUT THE PERSON ALSO SAID (as an advice since it works for her) to try and make a schedule for everything.

Which I think is super nice to do. I've always wanted to do it but felt like its a waste of time mostly, so yeah, today I'm going to be doing that.

SOOOOOO NATHALIE WHAT DO WE HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH TODAY? 1. Go to the bank for my ATM card, leave the house before 9:30 2. Dye hair. 3. Work out. 4. Shower. 5. Try to nap more. 6. Teach again at night.

I feel likeeee starting tomorrow I'm also gonna want to set a schedule to write at least one entry on here every single day. I'm feeling pretty positive about this "tiny project" of mine, and I've also been reading about self-care a lot. And the other day, Fabian sent me these inspirational videos that I really enjoyed watching, but one video really caught my attention, and I think it was entitled: Why is it okay to be selfish and that really hit me, and I'm saying I'm super selfless and all that, because I really do feel like I'm one of the most selfish people in the planet, BUT IT MADE ME REALIZE ONE THING:

I am not taking care of myself properly. I need to take a seat and think how I can manage my life better.

So yeah, that's what my agenda is today. I hope I can write more today, but if for some reason I don't, I will tell you all my stories for today on tomorrow's post! See yah~*

[nomimomos]

12.12.17; 5:32

For starters, I haven’t updated on here in a whiiiileee and let me tell you what. I’m having a lot of fun in my job right now!!! I’m still trying to learn the ropes though, doing my best to really be a good tutor to students. Yesterday I taught A LOT. And I actually went to sleep really late. But I have a lot of interesting things that happened me me yesterday! Like I had a student who also like blogging really much! He even shared to me his blog, and although it’s all in Japanese, I still was fascinated that an adult like him takes part in hobbies that younger people like me have. And then I had a student who was already very old. He told me to call him Hide-san, and he was a very funny gentleman. He was so shock that filipinos sing karaoke at home and not just in karaoke booths! >w< We were always laughing through out the call. And speaking of *~through~* I also had a student, who substituted his daughter to take my lesson, who was a very shy university student, and she didn’t pronounce the word through properly and was very shocked when I told her that it was pronounced as [throo] >w< And today I woke up early again to teach! But I’m not sure if I can teach a lot later becauseeee ITS MY GRANDPAS BIRTHDAY TODAY WOOOOOOO so I’m really looking forward to eating pasta >w< I will try to update soon~*

[nomimomos]

12.10.17

WOOOOOO SO TODAY HAS BEEN A REALLLLLLYYY PRODUCTIVE DAY! GUESS WHAT I DID...

I TAUGHT 13 STUDENTS!!!! Whaaaaat

I didn't expect it to be so easy. I'm really just happy in general. I learned today that Japanese students are actually very polite and sweet and cute. If only we're all like Japanese students >w< maybe a lot more people would wanna be a teacher. and I taught all ages and different genders, I've had a student who was really old, and another one who's still a university student.

I really couldn't put into words how happy I am about working already. I'm so glad I didn't let a bad day starter ruin the rest of my day. I love how whenever I would feel down and upset there would always be someone there for me, but not just to side with me, Fab never hesitates to help me see the other person's perspective, which helps me feel less sad about it.

Note to self: Avoid acting on your emotions alone. Besides, you have Fabian to help you so that should be easy >w<

[nomimomos]

12.09.17; 4:51

Today is the big day!!! I’m gonna be opening a lesson slot later, once my internet connection becomes more stable >-< I’m so nervousssss I’m starting today early and I’m gonna make the most out of it~*