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He is so fucking bad for me, man. I'm too attached to him. Always have been. It doesn't matter what his feelings are for me or how strongly he feels them, it's how he shows me he cares. It's what he says to me (and doesn't say). I would drop everything for him and he wouldn't do the same. I told him I need to be around people this weekend, I'm feeling lonely after leaving my family, and he tried to squeeze me in, but not as hard as I would have. It was more of a "let's see if I’ll have time", rather than "I'll make time." It almost makes it harder that he's not just an asshole. He's not being a dick. He's just not as.. idk. Committed? That feels too intense. But I am committed to him, so, yeah, I guess he's not as committed to me as I am to him. He doesn't show me his love in a way I can understand it. Literally it's 100% based on trust; I can only trust that he loves me like he says he does. He doesn't seem to care about me at all. I feel like just any other person in his life. Especially considering how his friends and his mom have treated him/still treat him. I don't feel any more special or important to him than people who treat/have treated him badly. I feel so…. average to him. And that realization has made me more upset than I have felt about him in a very long time. (Not by much, but... still.) I can't even talk to him about this, and that's so annoying. What am I supposed to say? We're not in a relationship. He doesn't owe me anything. Ending the friendship feels too dramatic, and I don't think either of us would be happy with it. Well… maybe I would be better off, in the end. I don’t know. I would rather just learn to be normal about him, but at this point, I don't know if I ever could. Should I just do a trial run without him? Like a week no contact? The thought of it honestly feels like a relief; like it did in November 2020? 2021? I think 2020. I cry way too many tears about him on a regular basis. I don’t know how I haven't gotten burnt out yet. But maybe… I actually am. Maybe that's what this is.

#personal #about you #seriously though did i just hallucinate the first few years of our friendship?? what happened to that??? #back then i could fucking UNDERSTAND how he felt. bc he fucking SHOWED. IT.

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I‘ve been living near him since September (three months) and uh. I‘m starting to.. minorly.. or maybe majorly… regret it…….

I don’t like the region I’m in cause it’s more conservative than I realized. In such subtle ways, too. And I’m seeing that more in him and his friend group as well.

Our values have changed (well.. his haven’t, mine have) and the way that I’ve grown in the past few years (thanks to my former city/region) has made me realize how important those values really are to me.

So I feel like I’m starting to resent him a bit now. I don’t know. I know I still have to give it time, because it’s only been three months so I’m not fully settled in yet. But more and more, the more we spend time, both in person and online, the more I see how different we really are in what, to me, now really matters. It’s important to me to live a lifestyle that’s beneficial to our planet and our society and he’s extremely selfish and just disinterested in the greater world. I kind of.. hate that about him. A lot. And I consider him to be my person???

No. Not anymore, I don’t think. I guess it’s for the best since he can’t even give me what I want anymore anyway, and not for a long time.

#personal #about you

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I just got emotional after sinning. Which I’m pretty sure has happened a time or two before, but this was a bit different. This sin session happened after being h*rny as FUCK for him for a week. That is also new, both the aggressiveness of it and how long it lasted. And I watched my usual shit to get me going, but really it was him I was thinking about; the videos played very little part in the (quite) success of it all, and I NEVER think about him when I sin; I don’t let myself bc it feels creepy to do that without his consent. I could’ve probably even gone in had i been able to hype myself up for it, but as of yet I haven’t been able to do it myself, ever; only he and my gyno have been successful there lol. Then afterwards I just cried. Tears streaming down. That also never happens.. unless I’m thinking of him.

It’s still so weird to me how our lack of a s*x life gets me EMOTIONAL. MY AS*XUAL ASS?????

#personal #about you #and just. the fact that we’re friends #and that’s all I even WANT us to be. and YET !!!!! #like YAH I want us to be friends but I uh…. I do also want to fuck him. very much #and kiss him. and snuggle him #i want any of it and ALL of it #BUT AS FRIENDSSSSS

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The last post that I had made here was about how I couldn’t believe that I’m uprooting my whole life to live near him, and now that I’ve been here for a week, all I can say is WOW.

What exactly was I upset to be leaving behind? A 9-5 that I had gotten used to? Friends that were mildly fun to hang out with a couple times a month? An aesthetically pleasing city with rude and conservative inhabitants?

This city is so much better suited for me in many ways, but most importantly, the person I want to spend my life with is close by, only 33 km. Compared to 564? A HUGE improvement. HUGE.

I can’t wait to text him about spontaneous hangouts. I want to see him every week if possible. But even though I’m now living SO CLOSE to him, it’s as I feared; it’s still not close enough.

I wont be fully satisfied until I’m fully living with him. But for now, this will do.

#personal #about you

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I really can’t believe I’m upending my whole life to live by him.

It’s kind of terrifying at the moment.

#personal #about you

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An unexpected outcome of me having sent the letter is that I don’t feel as attracted to him anymore, which is very nice. I’m not really fantasizing about him anymore (so far, but it’s only been a few days so give it time lol). It was a very grounding experience to put my realest feelings out there and know what his thoughts about those feelings are. Knowing for sure that he’s really not into physical touch anymore was good for curbing my expectations. Just generally now I know not to expect much (even though I already knew not to, now it’s like confirmed, you know?)

Also, if he ever finds this blog now, it wouldn’t be so dramatic because he basically already knows I feel all of these ways about him (he just doesn’t know the details). I still hope he doesn’t tho lol

#personal #about you #i also feel like he took what I said about him feeling like a life partner to heart. #he opened up to me the other day about a serious thing and asked for advice. that’s not too out of the ordinary but it felt differentsomehow #intentional

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He read the letter.

He read the fucking letter.

The letter I’ve been writing and re-writing for a year. Terrified to actually send, not believing I ever would.

And the sky didn’t fall down.

He didn’t run for the hills.

The response was basically as I expected; underwhelming, but by no means negative (aside from not exactly hearing what I want to hear).

But all in all, it was a good outcome and I’m glad I finally sent it.

#personal #about you

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I finally sent that letter I’ve been wanting to send for the last year. In one week, he is going to know everything about how I feel. Not the gritty details, of course, but all of the basics. I freaked myself out so much over having sent it that I think I brought on an ulcer :x tummy make owie :c

#personal #about you

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You always give me butterflies. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But always butterflies.

Anonymous (via tumblrwrites)

#about you

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One of the olds but golds

Suddenly naked I run

Through your garden.

Right through the gates of the

Past and I'm finally free...

Ahh!, there's a world without you

I see the light.

Living in a world without you.

Ahh!, there is hope to guide me

I will survive!

Living in a world without you.

#the rasmus #bands #myself

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Interview with Jonathan Groff for Knock at the Cabin (2023) (video)

While vacationing at a remote cabin in the woods, a young girl and her parents are taken hostage by four armed strangers who demand they make an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse. Confused, scared and with limited access to the outside world, the family must decide what they believe before all is lost.

#knock at the cabin #movies #myself

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i know i’m late but this game is seriously so pretty

#lis2 #video games #another

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this louis hofmann

#fave scene tbh #die mitte der welt #movies #another

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Nachdem wir uns streiten, würde ich wenigstens dann von dir gerne hören, dass du mich lieb hast. Wenigstens dann!!!

#personal #about you #und es muss von dir kommen. du weißt schon wie ich mich fühle #und was ich für dich empfinde #ich würde das jeden tag sagen wenn ich denken würde dass es ‚erlaubt‘ ist #und ich kapiere es immer noch nicht wie ich dich trotzdem lieb haben kann wenn ich sauer auf dich bin #bei jedem anderen ist das anders. wenn ich sauer bin dann bin ich mit diesem menschen fertig #aber du nicht. nicht mit dir #echter wahnsinn

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Sister Michael: An Icon DERRY GIRLS (2018 - 2022)

#derry girls #shows #myself

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Got some perspective during this reflective period from Christmas to new years.

I like myself and my lifestyle a whole lot better when I’m spending my days with him.

Location matters, but love matters more.

Why haven’t I been letting myself accept this?

#personal #about you #he feels like family. true family #he feels like a partner. we click so well in so many ways #we could absolutely live as life partners together. we would have our challenges but I know we‘d be (and are) a good team #obviously what’s been holding me back has just been the (slight?) feelings imbalance

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Gonna enjoy these next like 30 minutes of actually not feeling touch starved for once bc I was sort of snuggling up to the one person I actually want to touch/be touched by. To the point where I thought I’ve had enough and could use a (short!!!) break.

#personal #about you #trying not to think abt leaving tmr #ugh. i do think I need to move here #i have a loooot of thinking to do in the coming days #right now all my brain is thinking is how crazy it is to feel like you have a soulmate #it’s so hard to explain my feelings for him because they don’t even make sense to me. like #how can i see someone and just KNOW—in a totally unique kind of knowing—that I’m meant to have them #they’re meant to be a BIG part of my life #forEVER #as if there’s no choice in the matter you know?? #(also I usually make these posts when we’re hundreds of kilometers apart but the fact that he walked in the room to talk to me #as i was typing this. GDKDHDJDH) #also i did open up to him a bit in the end. about TWO things!! #they’re mild things but it’s a start and I’m proud of myself #(wanting to live in his town and not needing alone time with him. baby steps people!!!)