selfpositiveundertale

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update post

So a lot has happened.

I finally got my driver's license in February, yay! Much later than any of my peers got theirs, but better late than never. My husband was very patient with me and took me out to practice driving at every opportunity, including having me drive the car when we'd go grocery shopping and run other errands. I took the driving test on the day we started dating 15 years ago, so after I passed we celebrated by having a dinner date at one of our favorite restaurants.

My husband started a new job that pays better than his previous one, and his new employer is a decent human being, unlike his previous employer.

I'm trying very hard to get back into crocheting so I can reopen my Etsy shop. One of my best friends has commissioned me for some art and a very large crochet plush doll of their favorite anime character, so I was able to invest in more of the yarn I use for things like the Ralsei amogus dolls. I've got a few ideas for new-ish things to put in there but first I have to make them lol. I'm currently working on a commission project for someone who wants a crochet doll of their dinosaur sona. The pattern I'm working from is a little confusing but I find that the phrase "trust the process" is good advice in this situation.

My chronic pains have gotten worse, but I stay determined and keep going out of spite. I'm seeing one of my doctors today for an exam that I'm way overdue for and I'm frankly very nervous about the potential results. Either they'll find something and we'll have to figure out treatment from there or they won't find anything and we'll be back to square one trying to figure out what's going on with me.

I'm supposed to be starting cognitive behavioral therapy with my therapist soon, so I'm looking forward to that. She warned me it might be difficult and at times uncomfortable but I think I can handle it and I'll let her know if I can't.

I still keep having episodes of existential dread that sometimes escalates into panic attacks but my therapist is going to try to help me get that under control. One of my other workers had me create a "coping card" with a bunch of questions I need to ask myself but often forget to ask when I'm having an episode like that so I can look at it and figure out what I need to do to calm down. I might put those questions in another post for y'all.

I think that's about it for now but I might update if I think of anything else.

Stay determined.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[selfpositiveundertale]

Text reads: It's okay to not be at your greatest 100% of the time. No matter how healthy you are or how skilled at what you do, there will be days you're just not at your best, and that's okay. Don't be hard on yourself for having bad days. You're still great!

I just commented something similar to this on a different platform and thought it would make a good meme so I made this. We all have bad days, sometimes many of them in a row, but Papyrus still thinks we're great ❤️❤️❤️

#self positivity #undertale #papyrus #undertale papyrus #papyrus undertale

[selfpositiveundertale]

Text reads: Losing a loved one is hard, and it hurts even if you're expecting it and trying to be ready for it. Be kind to yourself while you're in mourning, and don't rush yourself to 'get over it'. It's okay if it takes a while for the grief to stop hurting.

So... My Mamaw passed away the other day. I knew it was going to be soon, she was 91 years old and in ICU in recent days, but hearing the news was still painful. The funeral is tomorrow afternoon. I'm doing a decent job of holding myself together but it's hard sometimes. I made this because I needed it and thought someone else out there might need it too. Stay determined, y'all.

#self positivity #deltarune #noelle deltarune #noelle holiday

[selfpositiveundertale]

How I do coffee! Please note that this is the exact opposite of low calorie and also deliberately the opposite of low fat. The high fat content is the key to making it work for me. This is also for a single serving.

Put 1 tablespoon of ground coffee and a heaping teaspoon of unsweetened baking cocoa powder in a French press.

Add 1 cup of boiling water.

Brew 4 minutes.

Pour into your cup. You might need to pour it through a filter of some kind since the cocoa powder is too fine for the French press to strain it. I use a little thing called a coffee brewing buddy, it's basically a reusable filter for a single serving of coffee. You can also use these things for loose tea.

Add 1 tablespoon of MCT oil powder, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, a generous amount of heavy whipping cream, and sugar to taste. I use an organic, unrefined sugar but you can use whatever you like. Add the MCT first and stir it real good because it can take a minute to fully mix with the coffee. If you'd like to add other things like cinnamon or anything else you can think of, go for it! If you don't do dairy, coconut cream is a good source of fat.

Between the caffeine in the coffee, the polyphenols in the cocoa, all that fat from the MCT oil and heavy cream, and the sugar, this cup of coffee normally gives me a decent energy boost so I think I should start having a cup of it every day again.

#recipe #recipes #coffee #coffee recipe #I've been told this is kinda like a mocha lol #whatever it is it is tasty and effective

[selfpositiveundertale]

Another update, hopefully less bleak than the last one.

So on Wednesday I broke down in front of my chiropractor telling him what's going on with me. I apologized for breaking down and he said it's okay, he knows that blood sugar dropping can make a person very emotional. He was surprised to hear that I'd had a green smoothie consisting of whey protein powder, a cup of mixed greens, a ripe banana, and a cup of oat milk immediately before coming to the appointment and not even an hour later I already felt famished like I hadn't had anything all day, but he suggested that getting more fats in my diet might help me hold onto my food longer and keep my blood sugar at a reasonable level longer, so I should be consuming more butter, nut butters, avocado, coconut oil, etc. Putting peanut butter or avocado in my green smoothies, having avocado on whole grain toast like the millennial I am, and I think I'll go back to the special way I was making coffee a while back that involved heavy cream and MCT oil powder. I'll post how I do that in a separate post. I also mentioned to him that I was seriously considering purchasing liver and bones from the butcher shop to get more protein and iron in my system, and he approved of that idea as well.

After my husband picked me up from my appointment, we got food from our favorite local Chinese restaurant, and the orange chicken, fried rice, egg roll, and crab rangoon actually lasted longer in my system and kept me stable longer than anything else I'd had in the last week or two. Lots of fat in all that Chinese food. It was great. The chef seemed to have gotten a little enthusiastic with the spiciness of the orange chicken but I definitely wasn't complaining.

The next day I made a green smoothie and added a couple of tablespoons of peanut butter and that did help it to stay in my system a little longer, but it didn't have enough sugar since I only had half a banana to put in it.

So I'm thinking when we go grocery shopping this weekend, I'll get extra bananas, maybe apples, avocados, some whole grain bread, two jars of peanut butter, and heavy cream along with our usual items. And when we go to the butcher shop I'll see how much liver costs, I already know bones are sold at a reasonable price, and I'll ask the butcher if he can recommend how best to cook the liver, and if I can put it in the slow cooker.

I did more googling and found that low blood sugar isn't uncommon in people who have fibromyalgia, so I'll send my rheumatologist a message and ask about that.

Things are looking less hopeless, and it looks like I have some solutions almost within reach. Just have to make the grocery trip tomorrow.

Right now I feel my blood sugar dropping, so I think I'll go try to make something to eat. I had a bowl of greens loaded with butter, garlic, and salt pork earlier and it was very good and lasted a while but now I need more food. Might cook some more greens and see if I can make some mashed potatoes as well because I might need carbs. Might even cook the rest of the bacon we got from the butcher shop last week since I'm sure it needs to be cooked asap. Hopefully I can stand up long enough to cook. I'm in a lot of pain rn that's going to make being on my feet difficult.

Wish me luck, and stay determined.

Also @ the person who replied to my last update: thank you so much for your kind words. I needed that. ❤️❤️❤️

[selfpositiveundertale]

Text reads: Sometimes you have to let "better than nothing" be good enough. And that is completely okay.

I just said this in a comment on a post asking for life hacks. I had stated that I've found cornstarch works better as a dry shampoo than any actual dry shampoos I've ever tried(and it's much less expensive), and that baby wipes can get you a little cleaner if you don't have the spoons to take a shower, and that while these things won't work as well as actually washing with soap and water, they are better than nothing.

And then right as I hit the post button, I realized that was something that I needed to hear, and that someone else may need to hear, so I made this to post on here. I hope it helps someone out there ❤️

#self positivity #deltarune #deltarune seam #seam deltarune #I'm trying y'all #recovery ain't easy

[selfpositiveundertale]

Hey. Vent post and update. Not a happy post.

I'm not okay. I don't know when or if I will be okay. My health seems to be getting worse. I'm having a problem that, going from the symptoms, seems a lot like hypoglycemia, but my most recent blood work says I am not diabetic or prediabetic and everything looked normal. As I understand it, hypoglycemia without diabetes is a rare condition, but with my luck and my medical history I would not be surprised. I'm needing to eat more and more frequently and it seems like the specific types of food that were helping to keep the problems at bay just aren't as effective anymore, and now I can barely even tell what specific thing I need to eat. Do I need protein? Do I need greens? Do I need complex carbs? Do I need sugar? Who knows! Not me! I just have to guess and hope I guess right, or else my body is going to throw a fit about it and give me a matter of minutes to consume the Correct Thing before it just makes me go to sleep.

I dare not stray outside my list of safe foods, and by safe foods I mean foods that won't make my issues worse. Most candy, soda, white bread, anything with a lot of simple carbs or refined sugars is out of the question if I want to stay awake, upright, and functional, with few exceptions. Even honey, eating fruit, plant based protein, most vegetables besides dark leafy greens and potatoes and sweet potatoes, and things like white rice or bread that's been enriched with nutrients, at best does no good and at worst makes me feel like I'm going to keel over, which really sucks because my ultimate comfort food is soup beans and cornbread, and if I could eat that to get me through the day I would. The only things I can at least somewhat rely on are animal protein(preferably red meat but seafood, poultry, or eggs will do in a pinch, and whey protein is a last resort), dark leafy greens(kale, collard greens, that kind of thing), fruit juice(MUST be 100% juice) or fruit smoothies, and complex carbs(mostly whole grains, potatoes, and sweet potatoes, but oat milk works for a quick fix).

I'm trying to find solutions and work around this whole thing so I can go on with my life. I'm baking a lot of whole grain cornbread these days because it's easy to make and is the perfect thing when I need my carbs. I might need to invest in a bulk amount of beef jerky. I had been getting bulk amounts of cans of apple juice online but that's been harder to get in recent weeks so I've just been getting a 90-something-oz jug of grape juice from the store instead. My therapist suggested I start making green smoothies rather than just eating my greens cooked, so I might start getting my greenery in that way. Throwing the green stuff into the blender with some oat milk, chopped fruit, and a scoop of whey protein powder might make my life easier. I'll also discuss it with my chiropractor when I see him later this week, as he is a licensed nutritionist and can probably help me figure something out.

I'm so dang sick of being tired or hungry or both 24/7 and my body being like a fuel inefficient car that guzzles a whole tank of gas just to get you to the other side of town. If I go longer than an hour or so without eating or if I eat the wrong thing, I start getting hit by fatigue, dizziness, headache, shakiness, confusion, blurring vision, weakness, stuttering or slurred speech, and it'll get worse until I either eat something or fall asleep. If I fall asleep, I usually at least wake up with just enough strength to get something small and quick into my system and give myself the energy to think of what I need to do next.

I don't know what this is or why it's happening. I find myself wondering if it could be related to my fibromyalgia, or a long term side effect from when I caught covid a year or two ago, or if I've messed up my liver by taking Excedrin Migraine for the chronic headaches I've had since 2011, or if I'm alone in this. I haven't met anyone else dealing with this exact thing. Every time I go a-googling, I only ever find articles about diabetes and I want to scream BUT I DON'T HAVE THAT SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? They say a problem well defined is half solved, but what can you do about it when you don't even have the resources to define the problem?

I have cried so much in the last week or so because I'm so frustrated with this. It's ruining everything in my life. I can't complete my personal responsibilities, I can't keep up with most of my friends except for the small handful of my very closest friends, I haven't been active on here in ages, haven't been able to get any crochet work done, barely been able to practice any self care beyond eating whatever I have the strength to put together, and I'm starting to lose sight of the point of existing if it has to be in a body that hurts all the time and can't hold onto fuel. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm lost, and it's getting harder and harder to not lose hope. I'm really trying to hang in there, but it's so hard.

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's after 2am, so I think I'll stop there and try to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. One can hope.

Stay determined. I'm trying to.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Text reads: Sometimes holding onto hope and staying optimistic is hard. Sometimes it's all you can do to keep your head barely above water and you can still feel despair like icy hands trying to grab you and pull you under. It's okay to let yourself break down and cry and feel the pain and fear you've been trying to ignore. Sometimes letting yourself feel it for a while is the only way it'll ease up. But please do not give in to the despair.

-

Made this because I needed it. I hope it might lift someone else's spirit as well.

#self positivity #deltarune #deltarune seam #seam deltarune

[selfpositiveundertale]

Hey y'all. Update on me.

So my health has more or less bounced back from the damage done by that medication I had to quit. I'm starting a new eating program with my husband today. I won't describe it because I don't want to trigger anyone who might have an eating disorder but I promise it's a healthy change even if it does have a number of restrictions so y'all don't need to worry about that. I will say though that I have to quit the energy drinks and can't have any alcohol on this diet. I can easily live without the alcohol but I need my caffeine so now I have to get it from unsweetened tea since I don't like black coffee. Thankfully, tea with fruit ingredients is allowed so I'm drinking a highly caffeinated green tea with peach flavoring. (it's the Energy Green Tea from Celestial Seasonings if anyone wants to try it! I don't recommend the Energy Black Tea because while it has vanilla flavor in it, it gets so bitter if you steep it the recommended time and then there's no saving it. Blegh.)

Again, I want to thank all of y'all for your support and help when I was at rock bottom a few months ago. I don't think I could have gotten through it without you, so thank you.

Our financial situation is Not Great at the moment, but it will soon get better, I'm sure. We won't be spending extra money ordering delivery or going out to eat, I have gotten back into my crochet work and reopened my Etsy shop(there's not much in it atm but I'm hoping to be able to list items on a more regular basis) so I will be bringing in a little extra that we can use to get groceries or my meds or whatever, and my husband is currently in school to get his CDL, which once he has it and can actually drive the trucks at his workplace, he'll be paid much more than he is currently. We had to spend all the money he had saved to get my mother a new engine for her car, which was a whole unpleasant fiasco that I won't get into, but we'll soon be able to start saving again, and we're going to try to save up for a down payment on a house, or a better car for my husband. Big plans on the horizon.

Heavier stuff.

I know a lot of my American followers are upset to say the least about the recent actions of the Supreme Court. I am too. I'm angry and scared, and I know a lot of y'all are too. Do whatever you need to stay safe. It's a terrifying time to be in right now. I can't really express exactly how I feel about it, the fear and anger. At this point, I think any and all paranoia towards the government is completely justified, and I say this as someone who has had literal paranoid delusions about the government. Again, do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe. There are people out there who know more about how to stay safe right now than my ADHD brain is capable of retaining so keep an eye out for anything useful.

I can't promise to make content regularly at the present time as I have a lot on my plate between house spouse responsibilities, crochet work, and trying to keep up with my personal wellness plan(or at least get it rolling into action) but any time I get inspiration I'll try to make and post something. In the meantime, feel free to send in your requests but be aware I might not be able to get to them in a timely manner. I know I have a couple that have been sitting in my inbox for a long time and I deeply apologize for not getting to them yet but I'll try to when my head is less tired and more clear. I've been battling a migraine for the last few hours and the brain fog and fatigue are starting to set in. I might go to bed early tonight. I'll try to get a crochet thing started at least. Lots to do over the weekend too.

Much love to all of you.

Stay determined. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💙💜

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update on me.

I have recovered Considerably but I'm still not out of the tunnel yet. I have more energy, my mood is better, and I've been able to keep all my food and drinks down.

I'm at a place where I can work on crochet things again, though my Etsy shop is currently on vacation and when I reopen it I will be running it differently in that I will only be selling completed items rather than made to order items. This will most likely be temporary though. I am preparing for an event in mid June where I'll be putting my crochet things in an art show and letting people buy them if they want them and I need to be able to work at my own pace as I have a list of about 15-18 things I want to make for it. After the event, I might start doing made to order items again.

I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to get back on making positivity posts for y'all. Thank you to everyone who has supported me during this trying time.

Here's my latest creation!

I just finished this doll of Seam :3

Sound on! They squeak! (using they/them because in the Deltarune stream for the 6th anniversary of Undertale Toby said "they are a good character" when the dads playing the game met Seam)

They're bigger than my usual amogus so I used a bigger squeaker that I just happened to have after my doggo Zoe murdered one of her toys.

I used like 5 different crochet hooks to make them. 1.5mm, 2mm, 2.75mm, 3.5mm, and 9mm.

And yes, the hearts under their feet were necessary.

Debating whether to sell This One. I might keep them for reference purposes but I'll definitely make more to sell in the future.

I spent hours on this project and worked my hands to the bone but i'm very proud of my work here ❤️❤️❤️

#deltarune #seam deltarune #deltarune seam

[selfpositiveundertale]

Hey hey.

So my husband took me to urgent care and we got home a couple of hours ago.

They gave me shots of Benadryl and Zofran and prescribed me Zofran dissolving tablets. Thanks to you all, I was able to afford the visit and the prescription and get some food afterwards.

We went to our favorite local Chinese restaurant and I was feeling brave so I got orange chicken and an egg roll. I've eaten about half of my food and it seems to be sitting fine with no hint of possibly coming back up.

Currently sitting in bed drinking some water. Might make tea, or ask my husband to make it for me. He's been really great today. Very attentive, made sure I had a good hold on him as he walked me into the building because I was too tired and dizzy and carsick from the trip to walk on my own, filled out my information for me because my hands were shaking too much to do it properly myself, carried my bag, held me up so I wouldn't fall when the nurse gave me the injections in each hip, and offered me his hat because the lights were making my headache worse, though I declined because even the light weight of the hat on my head made it worse.

But I think I'm going to be okay now. I'm not at rock bottom anymore. I have hope that I'll get better. Thank you to everyone who has helped me with this. I'll always be grateful to you all.

I'm getting super sleepy from the meds, so I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight. I might actually be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time and sleep more than 2 hours at a time! Right now my biggest problems are back and joint pain but I don't think that's anything a couple of aspirin won't help.

Love to all of you. ❤️❤️❤️

[selfpositiveundertale]

Hey everyone.

So several people were very generous and I'm pretty sure I've got enough for whatever clinic I end up going to later today.

Thank you all so so so much. And thank you also to the people who sent in kind and supportive messages.

A close friend(my brother's girlfriend actually) called me up last night, said she was worried about me because my brother had told her I wasn't doing well and I hadn't replied to her messages for several days. I broke down(again) and told her what's going on. We talked for a while and I felt a good bit better by the time we hung up.

I woke up in the middle of the night very sick, but was eventually able to go back to sleep.

I'm very hungry after days of barely being able to keep anything in my stomach long enough to get any benefit from it but I'm not sure what I can eat. I have some cans of soup so I might make one. I'm most likely also dehydrated so I'm going to check and see if I have any Gatorade or coconut milk left because plain water just doesn't seem to stick. I managed to keep down some Tylenol last night at least.

I'm really hoping today will be better. It's a little after 7am, my husband has to go to work soon and will be off at 4:30pm and then he'll pick me up and we'll go to urgent care.

Something I've been very annoyed about(and maybe I shouldn't be since this really isn't as bad as everything else I'm dealing with) is that since I had been avoiding caffeine for a week or so because I thought it was upsetting my stomach and then when I tried to have caffeine again it really messed me up. So now I have to slowly get used to having it in my system again. Green tea, no black tea or coffee or energy drinks, only take Excedrin Migraine once or twice a day, just gradually building up to where I can have a dang cup of black tea without feeling like my heart is going to yeet itself right out of my chest.

I'm going to try to eat something small and take a nap.

Thank you all for helping. I'll keep you updated.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Long and very heavy post ahead.

Things are hard. Really hard.

Talked to my therapist today and told her every single detail about what I'm dealing with regarding the medication withdrawal. She was extremely concerned, said I raised a lot of red flags, and told me I need to get medical attention asap whether it's to go to the nearest urgent care, call up my rheumatologist's office and beg for an emergency appointment, or just go to the ER. Things are pretty sticky all around with my health right now because of this withdrawal, but I couldn't keep taking that medication. I couldn't take another night of those side effects. I'm not going to go into detail about those side effects or the withdrawal symptoms I'm having right now because it's pretty bad and I don't want to trigger anyone. I will say though, that I gave the bottle of what I had left of that medication to my husband with instructions to dispose of it when he went to work so if my self control wavers, I won't be able to get it. You might be able to guess why I instructed my husband to get rid of it when he's not home. I'm not going to say it out loud but I will say my therapist told me if I feel I can't control it, then I have to go to the ER.

I want to apologize for this. I've been a source of positive messages for so many people for a while now. I always say to stay determined and never give up and to love and care for yourself. But now I'm at rock bottom, wanting to do the thing that would deprive you all of future positive messages, deprive my husband of the most love and support he's ever had from anyone, because I can't take this much physical suffering. But I don't have a choice but to continue to take it until it finally calms down, even if it takes years like it has with some people who had to stop taking this medication, because there are too many people I love, too many things that make me want to stay and try to push through it. I can't see the sun past the suffocating dark but I know it's there and I have to keep going if I want to see it again.

I want to be clear that I am absolutely NOT saying goodbye. I'm asking for support. And I'm asking for help. I have to go see a doctor tomorrow no matter what. I can't keep trying to get through this on my own without medical help. We have $88 in our bank account due to some unexpected car expenses. The most conveniently located urgent care clinic that claims to be affordable doesn't list any prices for services on their website. I would call and ask, but I'm in the middle of crying at the moment, even if I stop crying long enough to dial the number, I know I'll just break down again when I try to tell them why I need to come in, and I don't want to make a bad first impression over the phone or be told they can't help me and I need to just go to the ER. I don't know how much it will cost, or if they'll allow me to hold off on paying until my husband gets paid next Tuesday.

I hate asking this. I hate it so much. I have nothing to give in return for help this time. I cannot work on Etsy orders right now and will be putting my shop on vacation mode for the foreseeable future. I don't have myself together enough to draw for commissions or any purpose other than trying to help myself feel less awful. I don't even have it in me to write positivity posts for you all or to even throw in any humor to lighten this heavy post. I'm just asking for donations to help me keep myself alive and try to claw my way back to some semblance of being a slightly functional human being.

I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm desperate. I'm in so much pain. Please help me. I have to have medical treatment and I don't have any insurance and can't afford another ER visit, especially if there's a chance it could be a repeat of last time where they did absolutely nothing useful for me and gave me a $3000 bill for it. The ER is an absolute Last Resort and I will only go there if all other attempts at getting medical attention fall through. Anything you can spare will help.

PayPal is here. Venmo is MelmelB. Cashapp is $mxmelmelb.

Please. I'm so scared and so tired. I need help. I can't do this alone.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update on me. Cw for medication withdrawal, emeto, talk about AFAB chest and reduction surgery.

I really just want to yeet my body into the sun and exist as an incorporeal entity until someone makes me a cool and fabulous robot body and then I can basically be Mettaton and noT HAVE TO DEAL WITH $?$! MEDICATION WITHDRAWAL ADHFSGGSHJK

I've been doing very poorly. I had to stop taking one of my meds because it was interacting horribly with one of my other meds and now I'm suffering withdrawal and it SUUUUUUCKS. I've messaged the doctor who prescribed that particular medication, told her what's going on since I stopped taking it, and asked if I could possibly get in to see her sooner than next week which is when we actually have an appointment. I probably won't hear back from her until later today or tomorrow at the soonest. I don't know how long this is going to last until it's all out of my system but I'm already fed up with it and I want it to stop.

The good news is that yesterday I managed to keep down everything I ate and drank, unlike the rest of last week.

Everyone tells me that the best way to combat the pain and fatigue I deal with on a daily basis is to exercise but there's one very crucial detail they're all missing. I have severe scoliosis and am also Ridiculously Well Endowed in the chest. In order to do any kind of exercise, I have to wear a really good sports bra to keep it all reined in, BUT there's not a bra in the world that I can wear for very long without causing myself excruciating back pain that will keep me stuck in bed for days to recover from it. I had one that didn't cause any back pain and it was like a dream, but then I went from an H to an I while my band size stayed the same and now I can't wear that brand anymore. I really think the only solution to this is a reduction, but that's going to be a while because we'll need to save up for it. My husband has a better paying job now, so we can afford to put money into savings, but it still feels so far away, especially considering that I'm probably going to have to put my Etsy shop on temporary hiatus until I can get the medication withdrawal symptoms under control.

It's a really inconvenient catch 22 and it feels so unfair.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of hurting all the time and feeling like there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm taking a nap.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Another cat video for y'all while I'm still trying to put myself back together and function like an adult with a working brain.

In today's episode, Soul Dandy has made himself comfy in my lap while I'm working and is refusing to give up a ball of my green yarn(the very yarn that I use to make the clothing for my Ralsei dolls and amogus) and insistently hanging onto it despite my efforts to take it. The exasperated sigh at the end is me giving up on the endeavor. (I managed to get it back eventually!)

Btw I've been working on a big wellness plan with my therapist. It's still a work in progress but once it's finished I might post it here just to help keep myself accountable and so I have one more location where I can look at it. I plan on having it in one of the notes apps I have on my phone, in my grimoire, and I might post it here, on my witch blog, and on my self improvement blog. If I can stick to the plan when it's finished, I believe things will get a lot better for me and by extension my husband and other loved ones, maybe even also y'all who follow me because I'll be able to put out more content when I've got my head on straight and my health under control.

Right now I have a number of sections of my life with points under them dictating how I will handle each area. For example, the section about my sleep habits. I am to take my nighttime meds and a sleep aid at 9 pm, preferably no later than 9:30, I am to put my crochet stuff away and not work past my bedtime, I am to take a nap(if I feel like I need it) in the morning after my husband leaves for work and sleep in no later than 11 but preferably be up and moving around by 10, and only take naps during the day if it's absolutely necessary, such as having a migraine that requires sleeping it off or fatigue hitting me so hard I can't function. That's just one of many sections.

But speaking of sleep, it's nap time because I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Might post more about my wellness plan later.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update: I managed to pull myself together and got the hallucination to go away and didn't hurt myself in anyway. I have taken my nighttime meds and a sleep aid and just did some intensive skincare because I am still trying to help my skin heal after a really bad week where my excoriation disorder went off the rails. I am about to pack up my crochet stuff so I can get into bed and go to sleep. I'm listening to my favorite band. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Thank you everyone for the kind words and encouragement, it truly means a lot to me that I have the support of so many people. You're all amazing and I hope you have a good night/day/whatever time it is where you are.

Tw psychosis and long wall of text basically a huge run on sentence no punctuation

I am once again Not Okay I'm having a psychotic episode as I type this I won't say what's happening or what triggered it because I don't want to trigger anyone else I'm just going to say my skin itches really bad but I'm so fatigued that I can't even be scared or upset by it I'm just really sad and I can't make the hallucination go away and I'm this close to destroying my skin all over again and ruining my progress because it itches so bad and I'm crying and my tears are stinging my face and I want to sleep but I can't because I have to move laundry to the dryer when it's done in the wash and I have crochet work to do and I want to listen to music but almost nothing sounds good and the only thing I want to listen to is a Bad Idea because it's pretty hard music and my head hurts really bad and I'm cold but I can't get under blanket I don't know why I just can't do it and my joints hurt because of the rain here it's half an hour early but I'm going to go ahead and take my meds and a sleep aid and hope it kicks in fast so I can just go to sleep maybe I'll feel better in the morning I see my therapist tomorrow I need to tell her about this maybe if I take something for my head and wash my face and work on crochet project I'll be able to pull myself together idk I'm just so tired and sad and this really really sucks

Words of encouragement appreciated pls I need it I'm trying really hard to cope but I need help

[selfpositiveundertale]

Tw psychosis and long wall of text basically a huge run on sentence no punctuation

I am once again Not Okay I'm having a psychotic episode as I type this I won't say what's happening or what triggered it because I don't want to trigger anyone else I'm just going to say my skin itches really bad but I'm so fatigued that I can't even be scared or upset by it I'm just really sad and I can't make the hallucination go away and I'm this close to destroying my skin all over again and ruining my progress because it itches so bad and I'm crying and my tears are stinging my face and I want to sleep but I can't because I have to move laundry to the dryer when it's done in the wash and I have crochet work to do and I want to listen to music but almost nothing sounds good and the only thing I want to listen to is a Bad Idea because it's pretty hard music and my head hurts really bad and I'm cold but I can't get under blanket I don't know why I just can't do it and my joints hurt because of the rain here it's half an hour early but I'm going to go ahead and take my meds and a sleep aid and hope it kicks in fast so I can just go to sleep maybe I'll feel better in the morning I see my therapist tomorrow I need to tell her about this maybe if I take something for my head and wash my face and work on crochet project I'll be able to pull myself together idk I'm just so tired and sad and this really really sucks

Words of encouragement appreciated pls I need it I'm trying really hard to cope but I need help