since-it-must-be-so

[since-it-must-be-so]

160110 Suga’s Tweets

안녕하세요 슈가입니다 많은 분들이 나의 휴가에 대해 궁금해 하시더라 간단하게 말하자면 많이 걷고 많이 자고 많이 생각했다 믹스테잎을 작업하기 전 생각 정리를 하고 싶어 여행이 가고 싶었다 꼭 가야하는 곳도 있었고

Hello, this is Suga. Many people were curious as to what I was doing on my break, and to simply put it, I walked a lot, slept a lot and thought a lot. I wanted to go on a trip to organize my thoughts before working on my mixtape. I also had a place I must go to. And 

24살 방탄소년단 슈가가 아닌 24살 민윤기로 할 수 있는 걸 하고 싶었다 나를 돌아보는 시간이었다 지금하는 이야기들은 가수와 팬 방탄과 아미가 아닌 사람 대 사람으로 이야기하고 싶어 시작하는 이야기이다

I wanted to do things I was able to do not as a 24 year old BTS’ Suga, but as a 24 year old Min Yoongi. It was a time where I looked back at myself. The things I will say now are things I wanted to share not as a Singer and Fan, or as Bangtan and ARMY, but to talk to you as human to human.

많은 사람들을 대할때 가장 슬퍼 질때는 모든 사람들에게 공평하게 대할수 없는 내 자신을 마주 할 때이다 누구하나 상처주고 싶지 않은데 그러지 못할 때가 생긴다 난 아직 한참 부족한 사람인것 같다

The most upsetting time for me when I face a large number of people, is when I face myself who isn’t able to be fair to everyone. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but there are times I couldn’t do that. I think I’m still a person that lacks in many things.

고베 콘서트 둘째 날.. 그날 이후 난 깊게 잠을 자본 기억이 없는 것 같다 많은 사람들에게 상처를 줬다는 것 때문일까 항상 잠들면 식은 땀과 함께 잠에서 깬다

The second day of the concert in Kobe.. I don’t think I’ve ever slept deeply after that day. Could it be because of the fact that I gave a wound to many people? Whenever I fell asleep, I would wake up with cold sweat.

이미 한번 무대에 서지 못해 많은 사람들에게 상처를 줘 본 적이 있기에 무슨일이 있어도 올라가겠다고 했다 모든 사람들이 말렸다 무대에 서지 못한다는 상황에 정말 펑펑 울었다 울면 지는건데    

Because I already once have not been able to go on stage before and have hurt many people, I said that I’ll go up (to perform) no matter what situation arises. Everyone tried to stop me. I really cried a ton at the situation of not being able to go up on stage. And I know crying is losing.

나에게 있어서 나의 슬픔을 참는 건 매우 쉬운 일이다 하지만 나를 사랑해주는 사람들이 슬픈 건 매우 힘든일이다 난 다시 나를 사랑하는 사람들에게 슬픔을 안겨주었다. 시간을 되돌릴 수 있다면 난 그 날 무슨일이 있어도 무대에 섰을 것이다

It’s really easy for me to cope with my own sorrow, but witnessing those who love me in sadness is very hard. I made them sad, once again. If I could go back to that day, I would go on stage no matter what.

그래서 가야하는 곳이 생겼었다 나는 휴가동안 고베를 다녀왔다 많은 사람들이 말렸지만 가지 않으면 내가 나에게 떳떳하지 못할것 같았다 그래서 무작정 갔다 고베로  

So there was just one place to go. I went to Kobe during my break. Many people tried to stop me from going, but I didn’t want to be ashamed of myself any longer. So I just went to Kobe.

공연을 했던 공연장을 공연이 끝나고 따로 찾아 간 적은 이번이 두번째이다 첫번째는 레드불렛 첫 콘서트를 끝내고 새벽에 찾아갔던 악스홀 두번째는 무대를 못섰던 고베 월드 기념홀

It was my second time visiting the concert venue after a concert. The first was Ax Hall at late night after finishing the first Red Bullet concert. The second time was the Kobe World Memorial Hall, at where I failed to perform.

난 무뎌지는게 너무 싫다 많은 사람들이 나를 사랑해주는 이 영광스러운 날들을 당연시 생각하고 싶지 않았다 무뎌지기 싫었다 그래서 다시 찾아 갔었던 악스홀 그리고 고베 월드 기념홀

I hate becoming a numb person.  I didn’t want to take the love and these glorious days for granted. I didn’t want to be a numb person. That’s why I visited the venues again on my own.

(T/N: He’s saying he doesn’t want to take all the love he’s receiving as granted, he really wants to appreciate every single love he gets. He’s meaning numb in the way by how he wouldn’t be able to feel what the fans feel about him. He’s basically saying he wants to appreciate every love he gets from his fans)

난 무대에 서는게 너무 좋았었고 아직도 좋다 17살때 난 관객 2명 앞에서 공연을 할때도 떳떳하게 눈을 마주하고 공연을 했었다 하지만 데뷔 이후 난 나 자신에게 떳떳하지 못했던 것 같다 내 자신이 부족하단 걸 내가 더 잘 알아서였을지도.

I liked being on stage, and I still do. When I was 17 and performed in front of 2 people I stood proudly and made eye contact with them during my performance. However after my debut I feel that I have not been righteous towards myself. I think it may be because I knew better then that I wasn’t perfect.

그리고 화양연화 온 스테이지 첫 공연날 난 오랜만에 관객들과 떳떳하게 눈을 마주쳤다

And the on the day of the first performance of 화양연화 on stage I made proud eye contact with the audience that I didn’t do in quite a while

하지만 무대에 서지 못했던 고베 두번째 날 그날 이후 난 다시 떳떳하게 많은 사람들을 마주할 자신이 없었다 그래서 찾아 간 고베 , 그 공연장 난 도착한 시간부터 우리의 공연이 시작하던 그 시간까지 주변을 계속 서성였다

But after the second day of the Kobe concert when I was unable to stand on stage, I didn’t have the courage to confidently confront the large number of people. So that’s why I visited Kobe, the concert hall again. I kept wandering around the area by the concert hall from the time I arrived there until the time our performance was due to begin that day.

티켓팅 부스에서 입구 그리고 공연장 구석구석 난 당신들과 똑같은 감정을 느끼고 싶었다 많은 감정들을 느꼈다 기쁨 공연을 기다릴때의 설렘 슬픔 원망 분노 안타까움 등등 난 당신들을 이해하고 싶고 이해한다 그러기에 미안하고 죄송하다 완벽하지 않은 인간이라

From the ticketing booth to the entrance and the concert hall - I wanted to feel the same emotions as you all from every nook and corner. I felt many emotions. Happiness, the excited nervousness felt while waiting for the performance, sadness, resentment, anger, regret, etc. , I wanted to understand you all, and I do understand. So I’m sorry and apologetic, for I am not a perfect human being.

나약하지만 강한척 하는 인간이라 다시 한번 난 부족한 인간이라는 걸 느꼈다 종교는 없지만 그 자리에서 기도했다 어차피 끝은 정해져 있는 일 끝이 있더라도 이 감정 이 마음 무뎌지지 말자고

I’m a person who is weak, but acts strong. Once again I realised that I was a person who’s lacking. Although I’m not religious, I prayed at that place. After all at the end, it was a fated day. Even if it’s ended, let’s not let this heart become numb.

매순간 혼자이고 싶었던 나에게 여러분들은 참 많은 부분을 차지하고 있었다 나이와 성별 국적과 종교 당신이 어떤 언어를 쓰는지 그건 나에게 중요하지 않다 예상치 못하게 뮤직뱅크 방송이 잡혀 예정보다 하루 일찍 비행기를 타고 돌아 오는 날

To me, who wanted to spend every moment alone, you all were taking up quite a large part (of my mind). Age and gender, nationality and religion, what language you use - all of that isn’t important to me. That day, we unexpectedly had a Music Bank broadcast and I boarded a plane and returned a day before planned

난 많은 생각들을 정리하고 돌아왔다 다시한번 난 축복받은 사람이라는 걸 느끼며 매순간 감사하며 살아야 하는 사람이라는 생각이 들었다 축복받은 사람으로 만들어 주셔서 감사합니다 아미 표현이 서툴어 항상 말은 못하지만

I returned after organizing my many thoughts. Once again, while feeling that I’m a blessed person, I felt that I need to be a person who lives every moment feeling thankful. Thank you for making me a blessed person, ARMY, Although I’m never able to say this because I’m bad at expressing myself.

이렇게 시덥잖은 글을 통해 다시 한번 제 생각을 전달하네요 부족한 인간이기에 매순간 감사하며 살겠습니다 사랑합니다 아미

Here I am conveying my feelings and thoughts once more through a piece of less-than-satisfactory writing. I will live while being thankful of every moment as I am such a lacking human being. I love you, ARMYs

Trans cr; Sihyun, Sevina, Vicky, Mary, Irene @ bts-trans © TAKE OUT WITH FULL CREDITS

[since-it-must-be-so]

July is done

July is done, so I'll write about what I can remember about it.

I think this month was my book-crazy phase. Bought a bunch of books with aspirations to read everyday. I remember being able to read a lot and finishing a few books, which encouraged me to buy some more. I think I might have went a little overboard with my purchases, but it's okay. It's not a bad idea to invest in books.

At the tail end of the month, I got really busy with work. I couldn't finish my books.

I also got a bit crazy with my career-dreaming and had a lot of bouts of career envy. My friends are getting promoted and getting into master's programs. I'm still finding what practice I want to center on, but still, I want to work towards also taking my masters a few years from now. So, I did a lot of networking. It's actually a very tiring thing to do? But it's been very insightful. I learned a lot from others.

As for work, I learned a lot about litigating civil cases. It was a bit toxic at the end because of the deadlines imposed by the office. But I don't regret shifting to my job, that is to say, that it's a really good place for me now. I'm still on the fence whether I want to stay in this sector of work altogether. It hasn't yet felt repetitive to me, but I feel like it would be. The approach is very conservative and could be lax. I really don't see myself staying for too long. But I also don't want to speak as though these thoughts are final.

We rehomed our dog go this month too... My dad got sick with the flu and I got worried if it was covid. It was thankfully not and now he's well again. It was actually a good month overall... But the city will be on lockdown again in August. I hope despite it, I'll get to follow through on some commitments and show up for myself and people who matter.

[since-it-must-be-so]

On growing old with the people I've known since my youth

Had a talk with my sister and I realized how much I missed her. I also miss my parents. We're all growing older. I'm so conscious of it. In my lonesome, I would make a mental note to be kinder to them and to not take our moments together for granted. God knows how long we have with each other. But even when I try to be mindful, I still act so immaturely. There would always be a gesture or word I regret giving away. Always something that would make me feel guilty for.

Almost every day, I see friends and acquaintances posting on Facebook about missing their parents, siblings, or loved ones who passed away. Even closer to me, my widowed sister probably thinks of my brother-in-law every single day, missing him. I'm made more conscious of my blessings. I have my family. We hurt each other sometimes; we're too frank to each other sometimes. But I love them so much, I'm moved to tears as I write this. I don't believe there's anyone else I need to love beyond them.

I sometimes wish I could travel back in time and see how we were in our old, small house... the one where I spent my youth, discovering my love for books, copying my older sisters and adapting their interests as my own, looking up at my parents who were both so strong and at the prime of their youth. That house has been sold and another family lives there now.

I think also of the future. A part of me really wants to find work as an expat abroad, live in an unknown place where I'm a nobody to everyone. But a part of me wants to spend as much time here with my family. I want to grow old with them, but I also want to go to a place where I will grow too.

I don't really have a point to make or a resolution to declare. I'm just in my feelings. I love my family.

[since-it-must-be-so]

June 2021 in review

I felt compelled to continue my “year in review” post, but I’ll try to do it as the month ends. This way the events are still a bit fresher in my mind.

I started to take my workouts seriously. I can’t run because my knees are weak, although I discovered I can work for hours around this hilly village. I also tried to do Chloe Ting’s summer shred challenge. I was about 10 days into the program until…

I got an infection and became physically weak. I almost fainted in the office from the pain. It was so embarrassing. But I feel better now.

I resolved to read more books (as I resolve to do every year, lol). So far I’m reading around 5 books at a time. Haha. But I finished 1 book and am almost done with another. If I’m not lazy I’ll do a book review of one of the books. Am really enjoying the short story format and magical realism genre. As of writing, I’m reading A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. It’s great so far. If I were to write a novel I’d like to write like her.

I’m happy because my boyfriend and I are on really good terms. My long-distance relationship has been hard especially in the early months of the year, but we’ve gotten the hang of it. I think the problems we had before were mostly attributable to me. Now that I’m less of a recluse did wonders to improve my relationship.

I suffered a lot from body dysmorphia this month. I was able to track down where my weight gain is coming from - milk tea. Sadly I had to limit my consumption to once a week. But right now it's significantly improved my weight and I don't feel as bad about my body any more.

Overall, it was a good month.

[since-it-must-be-so]

A Wild Sheep Chase: Chapter 2 of Choujin X!

It's here! I've gushed about the chapter over at my Twitter, but like I said in my previous post, I want to see how the story progresses and keep a log about it. So here it goes!

Background info on Ely Otsuta

So before we delve into Chapter 2 which almost exclusively featured Ely... Let's take note of the new things we learned about Ely:

She's from a rural prefecture. I think she lives in the mountainside specifically since that's where she grows her tomatoes.

She's a greenthumb (we already kinda knew this from the previous chapter but we learn more about her life pre-Choujin X). I understand that even if the soil is infertile, she's able to grow tomatoes so nutritious and plump. So plump, they resemble butts, hence, "bumbums!" It appears she uses advanced equipment for her farming stuff. So yeah, based on these, it's established Ely has a green thumb!

Oh, and it appears that it's clarified that her "Grandpapi" whom she talks about in the 1st chapter is an adoptive grandfather (not biological, hence, maybe in the future we'd know her parents and learn why Ely is special).

It's just me but I get the impression that Ely is being introduced as some sort of "fertility" choujin, since she also dreams of having 9 kids. Haha!

It's kinda weird though why the burning tomato has a face. Was it just from her dream, since after plucking a bumbum - she woke up? Hmm, after some thought, I think the burning tomato with a face is just from her dream.

Ely Wakes Up from Reality

When Ely woke up, she finds herself in the South Yamato prefecture. Okay, so I think this leaning tower of some sort has a significance to the story.

It's featured in every spread with the title "Choujin X" and also in the last chapter. Can you see it? Maybe it has something to do with how the powers are made, like pollution-related or a botched experiment. Dunno. Just my wild speculation.

A Wild Sheep Chase

This is the exciting part. So when Ely wakes up, Chandra Hume offers to "escort" her, but really it appears he wants to kidnap her. And from, *checks the manga* page 10 to 40, we have Ely running away from Chandra until she fell in what looks like a similar area where Tokio and Azuma fought Johnny Kiyoshi Takeyama.

The chase sequence consisting of 30 pages were so fun and I was smiling all the while I was reading! Ely is so cute trying to parkour her way through the buildings (kinda reminds me of Touka?? I miss Touka!). Chandra looks really cool, he seemed to be flying too, using his powers (more on that later)!

But not to be outdone, Ely borrows a "Roller Boy Yay-Yay" which basically is a scooter with something that resembles a driver's wheel. Its literal translation of ローラーBOYイェイ・イェイ -- which, checking Twitter and in Ishida's latest live stream, I think the locals found it hilarious too. Ishida is just unleashing his crazy here, I love it!

After that sequence, we get the tractor and sheep chase. Ah! I love it.. So what happened is that, Chandra and Ely fall off from their Roller Boy Yay-Yay. Ely who just claimed she can outrun Chandra if she were riding a tractor, suddenly found one right in front of her! Then Chandra lands near a gang... or should I say, a flock of sheep-bikers. They're all wearing these Kanji-printed tracksuits and basically look like they're a bunch of delinquents? They even describe themselves as "cryptid bikers"... Cryptid supposedly means mysterious? Idk why the weird choice of words for the translation though.

Funnily, I was just reading Haruki Murakami's A Wild Sheep Chase (羊をめぐる冒険 --- Hitsuji o meguru bōken or literally An Adventure Surrounding Sheep). I wonder if this scene something to do with this book?

Anyway, Chandra entices the sheep to help hip capture Ely by bribing them with a Docomo flip phone. I don't know why a flip phone - could mean the following: (a) the sheep are so poor, a flip phone is cool; (b) maybe flip phones are a status symbol in that universe; (c) maybe the setting is in the 2000s when the flip phones really were all the rage.

So they all chase Ely, but Chandra suddenly has a car too. Someone on Twitter said it's a Porsche? But I can't tell, though Chandra said his car is a four-wheel drive... Heh? Idk what to do with this info.

As for Ely, she is really good with the tractor as she said. The hilarity of outrunning motorcycles and what could be a Porsche. That tractor prowess! Later on, Chandra and the other sheep figure into an accident with a "safety-loving" truck (oh the irony, lol). Chandra flew off the car and so did his fancy shoes...

Ely didn't exactly come out unscathed. Ishida allocated 4 double spreads for this epic fall. Some of the sheep definitely should have died from that spectacular accident.

At first, Ely was smug about escaping the sheep. But then, I think she was moved by compassion and I think she hurt herself in order to revive the sheep. I just wonder though, how she learned to do that?

Then we get another awesome double spread of her transformation, similar to Tokio's. Augh Ishida-sensei. These are soooo good!!!!

Because of her transformation, the whole area was engulfed with smoked and I think the sheep were effectively revived. It appears Chandra saw all this (while he was regenerating... so we now know choujins or at least smoke choujins like Chandra has regenerative powers), hence he marveled at Ely's newfound power. It was kinda confirmed that Ely was responsible for keeping the casualties to a minimum. Specifically he said Ely possesses: quick judgment, though resolve, persistence... making her a human with the makings of a choujin... while also kinda noting Ely's silliness.

Here we go again with Chandra's "fancy gentleman" facade... Even the way he talks is fancy ("I am well-acquainted with the roads here") but more than that... he's self-important. I talked about my other views on his character on Reddit. I get the impression he's something of a "Choujin supremacist", you know what I mean? So, he wants to kinda recruit Ely into his organization or whatever.

Ely is righteous

So we see that Ely is further introduced as a good character, standing up against Chandra and rejecting his offer to be his pupil or something. Ely was clearly upset about the grandma getting hurt (did she die? I hope she didn't) and made it clear she would never join him. Chandra takes offense at this rejection, especially when Ely said Chandra is worse than a turd.

As Chandra tries to inflict pain on Ely (something about marking her on the face), she recalls her resolve from Chapter 1: drones for farming, a greenhouse, her grandpappy, a mansion, the big dog, paying back the kid for his roller boy yay-yay, the Goldilocks hubbie, nine kids... But just before we can see if she can fight Chandra off...

The most handsome man of all Sui Ishida's works (haha!)

This buff mysterious man with a bandana reminiscent of the Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles seemed to have blown Chandra and Ely (also the cars and motorcycles) away by a mere clap of his hands. It appears even Chandra is afraid of this guy and recognizes him... he leaves the scene using his smoke powers before the guy can do serious damage. I think his power has something to do with wind since there was like a little hint with all the ventilation stuff in the setting.

The guy manages to create a circle of protection around Ely. He tells Ely that Chandra's modus is to target "people with aptitude like Ely". He helpfully mends Ely's punctured hand with his bandana.... And when Ely looks up at his face, what do you know? Haha!

Our girl Ely has a love interest! Haha.

Tokio's Gregor Samsa moment

I've observed from the manga I've read that characters with transformation abilities always, always go through this adjustment period with the power. Gregor Samsa, Peter Parker, our boy Kaneki... Anyway, it seems Tokio doesn't know or can't turn back into a normal-looking person. But the last panel sure is interesting because we have them experiencing this transformation at the same time. Also, since it reminds me of Touka and Ayato's volume cover. I hope they find each other soon though!

Types of Choujins and initial premises on the Power of Choujins

So there are 3 confirmed types so far: Flexi (Johnny), Bestial (our boy Tokio), and Smoke. It seems that pretty boy Hoshi doesn't have a category yet, but like I said I think his has something to do with air or ventilation lol.

We learned that Chandra is a Smoke Choujin, and Ely is now one too and she was may have been somehow infected by Chandra's smoke/fumes. It appears now that there are 2 ways to become a choujin: injection and inhalation. Chandra wonders if Ely was infected with his power... But I'm thinking the infection theory might not be that accurate. After all, it seems Ely has a green thumb.

But, I think as Chandra said, only some people have an aptitude for this. So, Ely and Tokio are examples. I wonder if Azuma also has choujin powers or did it not manifest yet? Is the aptitude inherent or something you can acquire? If so, what does Tokio have that Azuma doesn't, especially since everyone thinks Azuma is "better" than Tokio in all aspects?

We'll find out in Chapter 3 more or less!! I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes! I'd like to hear your thoughts or comments if any :)

#choujinx #choujin x #sui ishida #ishida sui #elyotsuta #tokiokurohara #tokio kurohara #ely otsuta #azumahigashi #azuma higashi #hoshi sandek #chandra hume #chandrahume #chandlerhume #chandlerfume #hoshisandek #超人x

[since-it-must-be-so]

Thoughts on Vice's mini-docu on the Yakuza

Koyama, I observe, has so much pain and sadness in him.. so much depth. He seems to be struggling with the present and also for his past self... I almost fear for him as much as I fear him. A man who is so aware of his violent ways... It was also scary how he basically threatened to go on a rampage should the Yakuza lay a finger on his family. Also, I wonder what happened to the monk? He's probably dead or at the very least he was probably mutilated...

Satoru on the other hand looks so proud, strong, and brave.. I'm surprised at all his accolades, but maybe I shouldn't be. The way he's regarded in the community reminds me of politicians and goons in my country... They have this sense of misplaced pride for having done some good (when in reality they aren't that good..). I don't worry for him, and I know if ever the Yakuza comes for him, he will succeed..

The interview with the Yakuza... It was so tension-filled, it translates even through the video. The don must have been giving really scary looks. The subordinates, too. The way they took offense at the question about the gang wars possibly changing their outlook. It's as though they felt insulted at the suggestion that they would ever waver. It's ironic how they invoke their human rights and complain about losing some privileges.. And how they defend their actions as honorable, when their activities are far from it...It also surprised me seeing that kid, presumably it's the Yakuza's son. I wonder what it's like for that child? Excellent interviewer, as well... Wow, what a great documentary.

[since-it-must-be-so]

First half of 2021 in review

I was keeping a 5-year daily diary but I couldn't even commit to such a thing. So, while it's somewhat fresh, I'll try to recall the first five months of 2021.

January

I was on leave from work and used the time to look for another job. I was hired on the spot then. I remember feeling scared and thinking it might be too good to be true. It's May as I write this, and I don't have regrets. I think I would have really kicked myself if I turned down this opportunity.

I remember despairing over being asked to stay at home to mother my sister's children. I remember being overcome with the fear of becoming a mother myself. I think this is the first time I realized I might not want to have children after all.

I was also starting my art collection at this time. I bought several investment paintings in this month. At that time, it was a good idea, but lately I've been thinking of why my bank account never got to more impressive numbers. I have to remind myself it's because I've put it all in "investments". Hopefully I did the right thing and those paintings will give me good returns years from now.

I started watching Attack on Titan. It then became the object of my obsession for the next few months.

February

I tendered my resignation the previous month, so I served by 30-day notice this month. I was surprised my boss was so gracious about it. It was a very gracious exit, honestly. I'm glad. This was a happy month.

I don't remember how we celebrated Valentine's. I'm sorry to my boyfriend. This was unmemorable. :( We probably fought which is why I don't remember? I tend to forget those things. Hopefully next year's better.

I recall feeling wistful about leaving my firm, even if before resigning, all I could think about was leaving. Even if I didn't like some moments, even if I suffered a lot and got stressed a lot, I really enjoyed work because of my friends. Also, it was so great to learn from respectable people in the profession. I feel grateful for ever being hired by the firm and being entrusted to do the gargantuan firm work. I'm glad I also convinced myself to apply in the first place, even if a voice inside had nagged me for trying before. I proved her wrong, didn't I?

I sold a painting and made some money for the first time. I thought I was going to have steady sales after February and be inspired to sell after my first sale.. but alas, laziness overcame. Or maybe just life happened. Or both.

March

I started my new job. The learning curve was challenging. I just started but I had a backlog already because my boss wants to amp up our productivity. I also had to get used to the change of scenery. My previous job was in a very posh side of the metro, while my new one is located in "the gates of hell" as Dan Brown described it.

Chapter 138 of Attack on Titan was released this month. I became a certified "Eremika" lol. I was so obsessed!! I even made a Twitter account and joined the fandom. I re-read the manga in anticipation of the final chapter.

In the middle of the month, the metro was placed on lockdown because of rising COVID-19 cases. Whatever tempo I was picking up from work was destroyed because of this.

April

This is my lazy oaf era. For my new job, I was required to take a medical checkup and I was diagnosed as underweight. I think after April that diagnosis is now completely wrong. I spent this month just lounging around the house because the office was closed. I got fat and I didn't care. In hindsight, that was so bad and reckless of me. I'm in my late twenties, for Pete's sake.

Final chapter of Attack on Titan was released. I no longer remember how it felt, I remember waiting anxiously to read it. Trying my best to avoid spoilers and all. I also recall crying about the ending lol.

I started reading Tokyo Ghoul after AOT ended. Man, I think I love it more than AOT now. There's really not much to say about April.

May

I finally got vaccinated with the first dose.

I developed a crush on Sui Ishida for his talent, voice, and cheeky sense of humor. I imagine he's something like Kaneki in that he's a voracious reader without being uncool. So maybe to be precise, I have a crush on an imaginary Sui Ishida. Ah, I'm such a girl.

Reporting back to work and finally have new work assignments. But, I've yet to really get back in the groove.

I've decided to lose weight. Slowly trying to exercise at home to lose the weight I've gained.

I've decided I want to take LL.M. by next year. I've set my eyes on Kyushu University. So I might also try to learn some Hiragana and Katakana in the next few months.

I took a psychiatric exam and it says there, I'm good at following instructions and at persevering. It also says I get aggressive when it comes to inter-personal relations, I can stand to fight for my causes, and I'm a strong person determined to attain my goals. LOL. I don't know if I should work on that aggressive thing. I probably should; it sounds like I'm a social justice warrior lol.

That's it for now! This is actually strangely a soothing process. Until December!

[since-it-must-be-so]

Choujin X: Chapter 1

So I'm really excited to read more of Sui Ishida's newest manga, and I'm arriving just in time for the front seats! I don't want to let this pass without writing down my thoughts on the first chapter and possibly look at it in the future as the story progresses. You can read it here:

Having said that, please note there will be spoilers ahead!

Tomato Girl

The chapter starts with this cute little girl with that native(?) farmer-like hat, who supposedly grows big fruits (it's huge in Japan, look it up!). I think she will also be a main character since she's the first person we see. From this point I'll call her Tomato Girl. She is obviously from a rural area and is a farmer. We see her motivation is money (and that big dog... which, I think we will see in the future lol). She also wants to marry a "handsome goldilocks hubbie", lol. Wonder if this means she's going to be a love interest of the other cast? She also wants to have 9 kids. Naki and Miza, is that you?! Lol. So here, we have a girl with lofty aspirations! We shall see if any of this will happen or if it will change or if she's lying!

Also an observation - Tomato Girl is also close with her granddad, since she said she's going to the contest in lieu of her granddad (whose back was hurt). She obviously has this strong personality, standing up to the creepy bad guy, who was going to hit the old lady.

Bad Guy

The Bad Guy (since this guy doesn't have a name yet) is obviously a terrorist-for-hire. Also seems to be obsessed with beauty and elegance. I would guess his power lies in blowing things up?

I think, though, that Tomato Girl is a choujin herself, considering she didn't immediately get blown away. Plus, Bad Guy was on fire, and so was she. So, it doesn't necessarily mean Tomato Girl is already dead. She also seems to be reaching out to the Bad Guy as that scene ends.

It's later revealed that despite the plane crash, there were 200 survivors. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe they were turned into choujins?Only the hull was burned but the frame wasn't.

Tokio Kurohara and Azuma Higashi

Yes, the MC! He's notices the plane catching fire. Then, for some reason, Tokio's teacher (Ms. Bazonkas) has a weird voluptuous design. BUT, I think there's something afoot there. She might actually also be a choujin. Possibly a mentor role for Tokio? She seems to be very knowledgeable.

Anyway, going back to Tokio. He's introduced as a sixteen-year-old high school sophomore from Tsuru High. Like any high school kid, he finds studying math to be useless. We're also shown that lives in a district which has destroyed buildings. Possibly dystopian future?

We next find a girl getting harassed by a Mohawk guy and his 2 honchos. Tokio calls for someone, turns out to be Azuma. I just thought it's funny how he called for Azuma, he sounds like a police officer. Haha. But right after, Azuma is introduced, flying from a building.. a very dramatic, heroic entrance. He kinda looks like a hybrid of Haise and Armin from AOT for me. Haha. He's so cute and tiny but he's strong and is apparently the town hero. He breaks the arm of the thug, which Tokio thinks is going too far.

The girl seems to be a pretty girl, and I think she will play a role later on. She's a lot older than them, since she said she's going to an interview. She will possibly a love interest or a villain, but I think more of the latter. I just read CSM so I'm wary of pretty girls lol. Anyway, I think there's something there to link her with Azuma, considering, Azuma introduces both Azuma and Tokio but she only seems to thank or acknowledge Azuma. Tokio even says "don't mention it" even if the girl didn't even thank him, lol.

Azuma and Tokio talk about the plane crash, and it's revealed that choujins seem to abuse their power, and that the attack is kinda normal. We look at their hometown which is really wrecked. Buildings are dilapitated in an abnormal manner -- one building looks like it was done in with a circular force... They live in Yamato Prefecture which is described as an ordinary, self-governed prefecture with some areas partially destroyed. Wonder what self-governed means, but my guess is that it's kinda like a state and the national government is different altogether.

Roly-Poly

Well I never really thought of pill bugs or rolly pollies until I read this. Azuma talks about how roly polies roll around in dry areas and when they find a damp rock, they hide under it. He questions if the roly polies like damp places. And Azuma wonders if choujins are anything like roly-polies. Tokio is confused, so am I. I'm not going to make solid convictions what he means by it, but I think... what Azuma is driving at is that, roly polies and choujins DON'T like damp places. I don't know, I have no reason for this, it's just a guess. We'll see what Azuma means eventually. Haha.

It also appears that choujins are generally bad guys, since Azuma wonders why they don't use their power for good. Maybe something about being a choujin corrupts? Just a guess based on the succeeding events.

They end their conversation with Azuma thinking if he can help with the plane crash. Tokio comments, "seems noble of you" and Azuma says, "it's just a habit". Wonder if Tokio finds Azuma pretentious or if he's genuinely impressed. Azuma's answer is also quite concerning, "just a habit", a question arises if he's sincere in helping in the first place.

The Mohawk Guy

So this guy is supposed to be a funny, evil villain, now bent on exacting revenge from Azuma. Then, a guy (possibly gay guy because he is wearing a lipstick?) with a briefcase offers him an injection.

Tokio's Family

So Tokio has a bigger sister and a dad who seems to be very quiet. Not sure if that's their dad though, it wasn't clear. It's possible they don't have parents anymore and that guy is just an associate. Anyway, it appears that the sister pays Tokio's tuition and she's the breadwinner.

Tokio and his sister talk about Azuma. Azuma is apparently very smart, very athletic (proficient in judo and karate), girls love him, and that his dad is a big shot in the police. The sister questions why Tokio is so proud, and Tokio funnily admits that it's because he feels popular because Azuma is popular. A leech!

Vulture

I just finished re-reading Tokyo Ghoul and :re, and I was blown away by Ishida's art and story. To say I love Kaneki is an understatement. I think I'm going to love Tokio too! I also want to discuss the cover.

So it appears that the cover is the Tokio with an image of a vulture. Tokio is naked and it feels like the vulture is seducing him. From here, I get the vibe that Tokio might be corrupted by the power. "It's something of an affliction" is a dead giveaway. It feels like becoming a choujin or superhuman also corrupts, in a way?

Also since, there seems to be a commentary on the negative view on vultures being scavengers or "steals prey". (Though TBH I always thought vultures wait around for the predator to finish eating and then it eats the scraps??)

On the other hand, Azuma, Tokio's best friend who's mighty strong and brave (almost to a fault), is viewed as a lion by his peers. Also, an uncanny observation is the when Tokio cries about while sitting on the floor, above him is a hyena. Hyenas are known to prey on the carcasses of lions' prey.

It's almost uncanny when Tokio himself says, "I can be a lion too". But Azuma makes Tokio feel better by telling him that buzzards can fly higher than any bird -- telling Tokio to focus on the strength

But even if Tokio admires Azuma, Tokio thinks of telling Azuma when he's going too far. I think this comes from a place of concern. But maybe secretly he's also jealous?

Tokio also even tells Azuma that maybe they should hold hands so Tokio can be more like Azuma, implying that Tokio wants to be like Azuma.

Praying Mantis

Just before Flexi Choujin attacks, Tokio mentions that he bought an insect guidebook and was about to say a factoid about praying mantis near water. I wonder what Tokio was about to say? A search on the internet about praying mantis and water shows this disgusting video of a parasite exiting the praying mantis leaving the mantis to die. Ew. Let's see if this is the factoid Tokio was thinking of. If so, who's the mantis and who's the parasite? Is it Azuma and Tokio, respectively? Hmm. Also, love the insect symbolism. Throwback to Kaneki's centipede!

Flexi Choujin Attack (Johnny Kiyoshi Takeyama)

Mohawk Guy, now a choujin, is a flexi monster who's now more resistant to hits. He attacks Azuma indiscriminately with his new powers. He also kinda goes crazy... His subordinates fear his super violent side, begging him to go back to his "kinda naughty mama boy self", but he ends up snapping their heads off.

For some reason 2 injections fly up into the air?! Maybe someone tossed it. Because as Tokio brought Azuma to the water and brought him back out, he sees the 2 injections. Azuma wants to use it on himself.

Tokio hesitates to have Azuma use it but Azuma insists. Tokio remembers how Azuma saved him from bullies as a kid, and they agreed that Tokio will help Azuma beat the bad guys... Tokio gets the other injection and points to himself. Azuma says Tokio can't but Tokio insists because he feels that it's the only way to stay friends with Azuma. They also promise each other that they will have no regrets over this. This is kinda alarming for me!! Let's see what it will mean in the future.

But instead of both of them transforming into a powerful choujin, only Tokio transforms into one. He looks like a vulture, very beast-like. Looks even like Kaneki's Centipede! I think the other injection might have resulted in a bad/weak power, or maybe it's empty, or maybe Tokio didn't inject Azuma? But I doubt the last one. Anyway, Tokio's choujin look is amazing!

Can't help but feel this scene is related to the praying mantis thing... Maybe my hunch is correct? The parasite exits the mantis when near water, which is why Tokio manages to muster up some courage on his own?

We'll see!! I'm really excited to see this develop. It will be the first manga I will be able to see from the start to finish!

#choujin x #tokiokurohara #azumahigashi #sui ishida #tokio kurohara #azuma higashi #ishida sui #choujinx #superhuman x #superhumanx #bestial choujin #bestialchoujin #flexichoujin #flexi choujin #chojin x #chojinx

[since-it-must-be-so]

End of the Curse: “It was Mikasa.”

In the biggest recontextualization of the entire series, Isayama reveals that the reason is that everything has to happen... because it will remove the titan powers from this world. It was also revealed that single, most important key to ending the world of titans was Mikasa. This explains the smile Ymir gave at the end of Chapter 138, as Mikasa kissed Eren. 

It’s so beautiful and tragic that Mikasa really was they key all along... and how this made a lot of things about Attack on Titan click for me.

I think the questions people raise ever since Eren decided to attack Liberio: Why is Eren doing this? Why is he resorting to do the Rumbling? Couldn’t there have been another way? Surely, killing the rest of the world won’t really make the world a better place? It’s the same way we were asking before, when RBA were yet to be revealed: Why are they doing this? Why do they want Eren? etc.  and we get the answers, which reframe the story entirely.

It answers: “If he knew the horrible things Eren will do, why did Grisha let Eren inherit his titan? If he loved all his friends, why did he do the Rumbling?”

Eren's will and determination to save Mikasa and Armin, this message has been sent to Grisha and Kruger through the power of the Attack Titan. Yet, it was confusing, and as Jean pointed out in Chapter 108, why would he call Mikasa to the battle of LIbero if Eren cared about them still? The answer is now obvious: Eren at least knew that Mikasa (and possibly also Armin) will survive those battles. However, for the rest, such as Sasha and Hange, Eren didn't know if they would survive it...

(While this reason of Eren for moving forward explains many of the events which were confusing or which was contradictory to Eren's will of saving Eren and Mikasa, this is not to say that saving his Mikasa, Armin and friends was his only reason as I will discuss in another post...)

But back to Mikasa and Ymir. Eren mentions that when Ymir and Eren touched at the Paths (I'm assuming this is similar to how Eren and Zeke touched), Eren saw through Ymir's life. He saw the horrible things Fritz did to Ymir, but also saw that Ymir loved him nonetheless. In the same way that Eren saw Ymir's life, Ymir saw Eren's. Of course, a big part of Eren's life was Mikasa. Ymir saw Mikasa's love for Eren, and I believe this is what drew her to Mikasa... She looked to Mikasa in how she loves Eren. But not only that: how she will let him go for the sake of humanity... and continue to love him even after letting him go. So, I've been saying, that the "choice" of Mikasa involved killing Eren and kissing him, as if to say, I'm letting you go, but I will love you still.

But this isn't to say that Ymir and Fritz's relationship are parallels of Eren and Mikasa's. For starters, Eren and Mikasa loved each other; Fritz didn't love Ymir. But Ymir suffers from, as many have said, Stockholm syndrome. Also, I suspect she may also suffer from "battered woman syndrome" (i.e., psychological symptoms develop in some women who are victims of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse, making it difficult for them to regain control). So basically, Ymir suffers from learned helplessness and inability to break free from the abuse. I'm not a major in psychology or anything, but obviously, Ymir is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from the relationship with Fritz. Obviously, this isn't present in Mikasa and Eren's relationship. However, as I said, Ymir may have seen herself in that, Mikasa's love for Eren is as deep as the love Ymir had for Fritz.

Where does Eren play into this? I think though, the person of Eren is akin to Fritz, in that he is inflicting so much suffering over the world using the titan powers. In Chapter 131, we see that Ymir looked at Ramzi and saw said suffering. It is the same rage that Fritz has released against the world, and I don't think she wants that anymore. I think this is why Ymir has flip-flopped in Chapter 136-137, when she kidnapped Armin and allowed the other titans (Grisha, etc.) to be awakened. Ymir must have doubted the rage that was being unleashed upon the world... but still, she finds herself powerless to fully stop it, as she still felt like she was bound to do Fritz's bidding, as she still loved him.

So what Ymir needed is someone to show her the way. To see Mikasa let go of Eren despite the love she held for Eren... and subsequently to also see her kiss Eren like that... Ymir finally understands that it is possible to choose the rest of humanity over the person you love, and still continue to love that person, remember that person anyway. That, such a choice doesn't mean you love that person any less...

Unfortunately by this logic, what this entails is that as Ymir chooses to end the power of the titans, she tragically still may love Fritz. So, yes... Ymir loving Fritz was truly, truly tragic... And when Armin asked Eren why Mikasa was Ymir and he answered, "well only Ymir knows about that one" --- well he said this because simply, Eren didn't know yet what Mikasa will do. And, it's possible that even if he had an inkling that Mikasa will be the one to kill him, Eren didn't expect that Mikasa will do that out of love... or that she will continue to love and remember him even after his death, since in Chapter 138, he had asked her to forget about him and be free after his death. 

This goes to show that fundamentally, Eren ties freedom in the absolute sense... It’s always either “all or nothing” for Eren and, in the context of romance, I think he thinks it works like, “forget about me because if you don’t, how can you be happy?” Eren never considered that it’s possible to hold someone close to your heart even after death, and still be free to be happy again. This is something Mikasa understands. Especially after seeing all those family reunions in 138.. seeing the terror of all the Eldians there turning into titans... She hates that. That really broke her heart... Those events emphasized that they can fight all they want but if titans are there, there will always be that fear of Eldians... Finally, I think that dream in 138, she finally was able to accept that killing Eren is the only way... And that dream allowed her to have closure on this because “I’ve always hated you” isn’t his last words... and though Eren still insists that she should forget about him after he dies, Mikasa was able to let go of Eren, knowing now his truth: that Eren always loved Mikasa...

But we know why Ymir waited for Mikasa. It's unfortunate that it's become an annoying meme in the fandom ("only Ymir knows"), as if we need the characters to be the one to explain another character's reasons. IMO some of those comments are just borne out of spite against why Mikasa's decision to kill Eren is instrumental.

I think I might discuss Eren and Mikasa in another post because I just have too many feelings about them together.

#eremika #attack on titan #chapter 139 aot #aot 139 #snk 139 #snk #shingeki no kyojin

[since-it-must-be-so]

The Aftermath: “Humanity will be saved by you, Armin.”

So, Attack on Titan has ended... and I love the ending. Yes, it has some flaws. But, it is what it is.. I've spent some days thinking about the ending and finally, I've found peace with the ending, despite some things which I found were confusing (initially). I’m discussing stuff in parts. This post is about the Aftermath, which I feel is very important to the story because it will show “why things have to happen that way”.

The first part reveals that Eren was only pushing Mikasa, Armin and rest of Survey Corps away so they would try to stop him. Eren knew he will be defeated but not until he kills 80% of the world. With this, he informs Armin of his role after the Rumbling: to save humanity... by somehow uniting the world. This was expected.

Since it is related, I'll go ahead and discuss the timeskip where we're shown that after 3 years, Paradis has formed a military in preparation of any retaliation by the rest of humanity. This was also expected.

But even if Paradis has turned into a full-on fascist nation, the fate of Paradis and the world, I think, was left with a positive, realistic note. I don't believe that the fate is too ambiguous. Yes, Armin, etc. will face hostilities as they will be considered as traitors by the extremists. But, as we see from the Braus family, Niccolo, etc. there will be people who don't believe in the Yeagerists' propaganda. More, we are shown Hitch and the guy with glasses from Chapter 125 will one day “rise up”, even if for now, they will do as Yeagerists say, since it’s simply much too chaotic in those times to rebel against them.

Armin, etc. as ambassadors of peace, are not restricted by time in terms of negotiating for Paradis to lay down their guns. At the same time, Armin et. al. have the clout to ask the rest of the world to not wage a war against Paradis. As Armin tells Annie (which is Isayama's way of addressing the readers' concerns about Yeagerists' rage)... "conflict will never vanish, but when they see us like this, they'll want to know." Also, there is Historia, who I believe understands the situation well enough to help Armin, etc. to broke for peace between the world and Paradis. She did say, "even so, he chose to leave this world in our hands... a world without titans," which means she took Eren's words ("this fight will not end until either Eldia or the world disappears) with a grain of salt.

Actually, instead of being ambiguous, I'm almost positive that peace will be achieved... And I'm positive that this peace is a realistic one, not like the peace which the Wall King Fritz sought for Paradis.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #chapter 139 aot #eren yeager #mikasa ackerman #eremika #armin arlert #aot 139 #snk 139