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sleepingape · 3 months

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I WAS NEVER THE ONE

My first crush told me today that he saw girl today and has "kinda crush"...... What about me.....I actually loved me......Someone please tell him...... Take me to the day i first saw him..... Please..... I can't bear this pain...... All these days we got close i thought there was some hope...... But today he saw someone of his type..... All vain hope.... I was never the one.... Never once...... Never once did he think of me more that a friend.... I was just a distraction...... I was never meant be serious...... How to forget him...... When am i going to stop crying....... Someone block him from my contacts...... I allowed him to hurt me thinking he would never...... But now how do i cope with all this....... My heart is heavy.... So heavy it aches..... So heavy i want to remove it and forget about it..... Is it this painful for everyone...... My first love..... I know first love never succeeds..... Still even i have a tiniest chance....... Or is it compulsory to fail in love..... How do i become his type..... No i don't want to.... But then how will i make him look at me...... Ig i just cry it out..... But has he ever once considered me EVER?.....

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sleepingape · 6 months

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AND TODAY AGAIN I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP

I now miss each and every being i know on the earth.....Don't know why at times like this i remember the affection they showed....The place the have given me in their life.....Thank you....Its both helping and not helping.....I am again crying for the same guy whose happy with someone else....But atleast i know i have yall.....20 years of life and all the relations i have made....Thank you for cherishing me and proving my worth for me.....Its foolish of me for not knowing my place and crying for some silly reason.....But even though in future when i look back at myself i will surely laugh at my self for being so childish.....But what to do i just can't stop these tears....In front of yall i can't even tell the real reason as i know u all will feel betrayed....After constant warning and restrictions i went against and now suffering....Ig its all karma....Sorry for lying.....Its not headache but my own mistake.....Yet even a small headache or a heartbreak the way yall treat me heals me.....Dont worry im crying now uselessly but the tears will surely help cleanse my face.....Morning u look at my face glowing and ask how...i will say its all thanks to yall.....Yall give me the motivation to hold myself.....Even thinking about way u treat me makes me feel shameful to cry for that guy... I know its waste crying for him but at the end of the day i know i will have yall even if im loosing him.....So many people cherishing me why should i settle for less.....U were a guest for 4 months why should i lower myself less.....Lucky im covering for you or else u would have faced consequences.....Let me just cry my heart out for i know tomorrow ill be having people backing me always.....Goodbye my strawberries and cigarette....One of my favorite songs sorry i won't be able to hear u forever as u will always remind me of him.....I promise i won't be the same naive girl as i wake up tomorrow....I promise to leave behind all this sorrow......No one affecting my people not even my moods.....To the ones who are always there for me....Maybe parents....Maybe friends...or maybe strangers.....Goodbye to the boy who was such a sweet simp...Calling u a simp cause that was my favorite thing about u.....But now u use that charm to charm others....May u not be happy my me cry like this....And now i feel like putting a curse word in here but i won't....Still remember i wanted you but i don't need you anymore as i have people who think having me is a blessing and will choose me over the whole world....Not like someone treating people like options.....My people make me strong and i hope to be with such kind of people for the rest of my life......To the people who are there for me because its ME.....To the people who are there for me without any other motives.....And to the people who treat me like a princess because they know my worth...i promise to change....I promise to learn to leave behind relations that dint work.....I promise to not try to fix something alone....i promise to not be foolish again.....And i promise to cling less onto someone whose not worthy....I will love and cherish those who love me and cherish me the same way

The song im listening to while i cry and type this whole thing in the memory of him....A special song for now.....10 years later may i see this blog again and laugh off......Thinking this is cringe and just foolish rather than regretting.....

And look at me as i just promised and posted i went again texting him and now i edit this blog as i realize nothing will help me.....How more shameless can i be.....I phone called everyone i know crying and the first thing in the morning as i open my eyes were their calls and msgs.....Look at me having so many people care for me.....I won't in fact i must not need u anymore.....In return u won't have my blessings....In future after 10-15 years after i mature then shall i think of forgiving u for making me cry so much....

#parents #dumping #empathy #friends #strangers #To the people i love #to the people who love me #to the people who are not worthy #i promise to change #i will stop clinging onto #Spotify

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sleepingape · 11 months

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BORED

Holidays nowadays a boring for me, though i still want them, but i get more anxious doing nothing

I have assignments, ppts, exams, tests, many more pilling up...!!! Still i dont want to move an inch from my bed...

I wait till my roommate gets up so that we both can do things together...But she start off without involving me.... The i get more tensed.... Is it a bad thing being like this??!! Or am i depending too much on others??

I guess i really have to start doing things on my own!!

So a short story of me being a nuisance..

So yesterday night i was in a great mood... My friend suggested that we watch a movie eating fruits.... For them i cut down a whole watermelon and few muskmelons too... Put them together and add sprite and salt..... Set up my bed.... Did everything for their convenience...!!

But they dont even see my efforts... They started blaming me for cutting too many fruits and even dropped some on my bed... Seriously bro how do i sleep there now!!!

One of them even slept and that too at the very start of the movie... Other too started saying the movie was too borin, lets play something or just sleep off... The movie being boring was too my fault even though they recommended it.....

I got angry and shut down the laptop... They started laughing?? How is that a joke bro!! But after some time i felt relieved that they dint take it seriously... Cos i was a actually acting childish!!!

(Over)Thinking about this incident!! There were many places where i was just trying to be a people's pleaser... Why??... Cos i want attention??... Or i want everyone to like me... Is this normal??... Am i wrong??.... I dont know what im doing!!!

Also another reason im miserable.....

I was talking to my mom yesterday.... Us being settled in another state away from our home state makes us having less regional friends to talk to...

My mom has many friends but only a few were from our hometown.... Their kids grew up and had a job where they can go back to their home state... As my mom was speaking i had a thought about myself.... That can i do the same for my family.... And now im lost... I dont know what to do with my life... Anything i try to do fails... Even the degree im doing now, i dont think it will be of any help for me....

What if i fail my family... My father is already old enough to rest yet he goes for work to pay bills, for me, my brother.... When will i stop being burden on them.... When will i be able to take care of them.... Will i be able to give all the luxuries i have been dreaming for them.... I also need to take care of my brother.... What it if i become something that did not meet their expectations...!

The only thing thats helping me relief stress it the scenery im under😌

#overthinking #i need a hug #im procastinating #i need to stop #when will i learn #pretty when you cry #when worlds collide #serenity #flowers #relief

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sleepingape · 1 year

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THE MEET UP!!!

So i was gonna meet my guy friends today after a long time.....I was really looking for to it.....When they said a friend of mine whom i had no contact with these days was here near my place

I was so happy hearing she was here....I immediately cancelled my plans that day so that we can all meet up next day and hang out whole day just for her...

But now she cancelled all her plans

Im really really really disappointed

WHY!!

Its a big story

So the story is she is someone who lives in toxicity.....Means all the humans around her are toxic.....Her mother,father,grand parents even her real brother doesn't support her...Her parents are going through a divorce lawsuit...She stays with her father( More like her father forced her)....He is a very nasty man...So obsessed with his daughter...Like if she is not to be seen in front of him he gets anxious....The moment he gets hold of her....Ugh poor her....He doesn't beat her tho...But will say all sort of things to her....And restrictions will be more for her...Just why tho

So because of which she is been kept in solitude...Literally no meet ups....No hang outs...Nothing..Its like she was cut off from the world....

I was such a friend for her who used to go with her to college,tution and almost everywhere together.....I dint ever talk to her father but he let her be with me because i was her neighbor and he could keep an eye on her.....It was like i was her only friend with whom she was able to share anything

We grew very close to each other....But then i shifted to a faraway city for studies....And we lost connection....Now there was literally no one to keep her company....A call in three months from me used to lift her mood and forget the world she was living in.....

I too was very proud of myself for being such a person to through whom she can escape...Maybe thats one of the reasons our connection grew even stronger...So i was really happy to hear she was coming to meet....I literally was running all kind of imagination of where ous gang will be going....What all things will be doing....

But then again there goes her father stopping her...Like what will i do to ur daughter sir...Let her breathe please....And what about our incomplete group.....What about the plans i had made.....

Seriously how can someone be so cruel....Dont you see your daughter suffering

She was literally crying saying no to me....

I really hope i can meet that friend in this life..

PS:-Im straight,No yuri involved...She is a really precious friend of mine!!!

#friends #meetup #no fun #poor hero #maybe next time #when tho #cheer up #all the best

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