solacemygame

[solacemygame]

She asked me about my truth. And all i could think about was how much i love you. How much i still do. Sometimes, it is all the truth i know. I will always love you.

hate me for it if you will. This is my tragedy.

#i will always love you #i’m sorry #always

[solacemygame]

i still say good morning to you, you know.. or at least to the picture of you in my mind.. first thing in the morning when i wake up.. I don’t need to conjure you up, you are just always in my thoughts. With your easy laugh and smiling eyes.. i still hear the sound of your voice..

sometimes it gets unbearable.. this grief.. this missing someone while they are still alive..

i hope you slept well last night.. i hope you have a good day..

#i miss you #i will always love you

[solacemygame]

happy easter.. i hope you get to spend quality time with your family this holiday. Hope all is well with you and bailey and your fam.. take care always..

[solacemygame]

i miss you. :( i miss our conversations. I miss being able to laugh from the heart. I miss our connection. i miss making you laugh. I miss our witty banters and our comfortable silences.. I miss being genuinely happy with you. Because it was only with you i felt that way. I miss myself when i was with you..

i am still waiting for everything to make sense. I’m sorry.

i hope you are well. I hope you are happy.. always take care of yourself..

i will always love you..

[solacemygame]

hey! It’s me again. I know you’ll never read this so i’m not exactly bothering you, but the past days had been heavy. I know i should not be thinking about you anymore, but you’ve never really left my thoughts.. i hope you are doing alright.. i missed you a lot. Been thinking about our late night talks. Been looking at our pictures and the few clips i have of you just to hear your voice again. We were so happy then. I know i’ll never be as happy as i was than when we were together.. I miss hearing your voice and your laugh. I miss your smiling eyes.. it hurts that i’ll never see them again. I know you’d rather not remember me at all.. and I understand. i hope you are doing ok. I’m sure you are.. i wish i can still be there for you. To keep you company on your late nights when you have to finish a deadline, or to read something you’ve written. I’ll always be your number one fan with or without conversation. But i’m sure you have someone else now, to keep you company and to talk to at night.. i hope he gives you the love you deserve.. i know you’re happy now. And i should be happy for you.. i wish you all the happiness. You deserve it.

I know eventually i’ll have to stop looking back.. forgive me if I can’t just yet.. But i am getting there.. i will always love you..

[solacemygame]

I never stopped praying for you.. you are always in my heart.

[solacemygame]

i hope you are ok. I wish i can still be there for you. To listen to all that you have to say, and to all that you are feeling, so i can feel them with you. You can unload all your cares and i will bear them with you.. I wish i can read you again like my favorite book. To trace the lines of your smiles and frowns or just get lost in the depths of your eyes and the sound of your voice.. i wish i can still be there for you. Because i am still here for you.. i hope you are ok..

[solacemygame]

”if my writing feels repetitive, you can now imagine how it feels in my head.. welcome to the ferris wheel that never ends, come run your fingers along the scars that never really heal, come sit in my exhaustion, come feel how i feel, come watch the same scenes play and rewind, play and rewind..”

@whitneyhansonpoetry on IG

#Instagram

[solacemygame]

My eyes are sore and heavy. I can’t remember a day when I don’t find myself breaking down at random times, heart heavy with the thought of you. i know i should have moved on by now. I am long dead and buried to you. but you have taken roots in my heart so intricately that it is impossible for me to extricate you from my life, even if i never see you again.. You were everything my heart wanted. And i am still in love with you. You are still in my every waking thought.. and still the last one i think of at night. Everything still leads back to you. But i know i am dead to you..

I no longer hope.. i have accepted the fact that you will never want to see or hear from me again.. but my heart will always mourn the loss of you. It will always seek you out in a crowd. Will always picture you beside me in every place i visit with your hand holding mine.. Like a flashback, a phantom memory of an alternate universe where we ended up together and we have worked things out. A picture of what could have been. And the love, oh the love will ever be felt.

i will always love you..

#love #i will always love you #i miss you #i’m sorry #loss

[solacemygame]

i miss being there for you.. i hope you’re doing ok. I hope bailey’s well. You are always in my thoughts.. i wish we had a better ending.. but if i were to be honest, i wish we never ended. I never wanted us to end.. i will always love you..

[solacemygame]

These past days had been heavy. Heavy with the thought of you. You have never really left my thoughts.. there is a hollow in my heart that only you can fill.. an ache borne of longing for a home i know i can’t return to. i guess i will always live with this emptiness. I miss you.. i’m sorry. I hope you are taking care of yourself..

[solacemygame]

“I miss you.. To say that doesn’t even begin to capture the despair your absence has brought me but i will cling to this weird version of grief because it’s all i have left of you, that and this ache that grows each time your name is murmured in my presence. My mother asks me what i really know of love & heartache and all i tell her is this: You will never not be loved by me, and i will never be loved by you..”

@maeswrites

#i miss you #i’m sorry #of love and heartache

[solacemygame]

022924

hey! How have you been? You probably went to a dance class today. I hope you had fun.

Anyway, i watched Dune 2 today with Philip and JT. JT keeps saying he has read the book and wants to read it again. But he constantly gets surprised at what’s happening. I’m like “bro, i thought you read the book??!”🥴🫠😂

it’s at times like this that i miss you the most. Movie was epic. And i wished we could have watched it together. Or at least talked about it after.. there were of course, some deviations from the book, but that’s to be expected. But the key moments were still there and still epic. It brought tears to my eyes. I wish we could have talked about it, even though i know you haven’t read it. I’m sure you’d get my enthusiasm.

anyway, i missed you a little extra today. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Stay happy.

[solacemygame]

Finished reading “The one that got away” by Charlotte Rixon. It was a painful read. My heart is heavy with the thought of you. Too many parallels. At least they get to reconcile at the end. I wish we had a better ending. But it seems you wish we never happened. :’(

i miss talking to you. About everything. I wonder if you still stay up late to the wee hours of the morning finishing up your writing. I wonder if you’ve found someone else to keep you company. You most probably have. I hope he makes you happy. He probably does. I miss your laugh. I miss making you laugh. I miss laughing with you.. I hope he always make you laugh. You deserve all happiness..

i know i’ll never be as happy as i was than when i was with you. I have resigned myself to this fact. But i deserve this. for all the pain i put you through. I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to lose you. I was also breaking my own heart when i chose to let go. At that time, i felt my feelings doesn’t matter anymore and i had to do what i had to do. And we both suffered for it. You more so. And i’m sorry. I’m sorry i was damaged and conflicted. But the lines between what is right or wrong has become blurry. Anyone will say i was right to let you go, given the circumstances, but why does it hurt so much? at what cost? :’( i lost the most precious person in my life. I deserve this pain.

i know you have moved on. I know you’re happy now. Perhaps happier than you’ve ever been with me. And you deserve it. I wish you all the happiness.. i pray everything will fall into place in your life.. i pray you get the love that you deserve.

i pray in time i learn to forgive myself. For what i have done to you. For what i have done to myself.

i will always love you.

#i’m sorry #i miss you #i will always love you

[solacemygame]

the most painful thing i ever had to do to myself was to let you go. You will always be my love at first sight. My deepest love. The only one i know i was fully in love with.. Letting you go was my greatest regret..

i know i’ll never feel this way about anyone again.

#i love you #i miss you #i’m sorry #i will always love you

[solacemygame]

Hatoon got married last Tuesday. She asked me to come and shoot. It was a pretty intimate affair done in their house unlike the usual Saudi weddings i’ve been to, which are usually grand affairs in huge wedding halls with hundreds of guests and overflowing with food. The dining set up beside the pool was intimate and beautiful.

They hired a wedding “musician” who played the cello and sax. She was a young lady who came with her mom i think. She was wearing a glittering golden dress, an elegant fascinator covering one side of her hair, and black gloves to complete the ensemble. Certainly dressed for the role. Everyone was awed at first when she started playing the cello. I was even more amazed when, during the dinner dance, she came out with a saxophone and started “playing” it and swaying around the bride and groom. I thought “wow! What talent!”. But the funny thing was, on closer inspection, i noticed she wasn’t really “playing” the music but faking it. She wasn’t really blowing on the instrument and her finger movements were all wrong. Turns out they just play a recorded music through a speaker and she pretends she’s the one playing. I checked my video of her playing the cello and it was the same. Issascam!^^ i must admit she got me there for a sec. i had my suspicions and asked the event organizer and she confirmed the ruse.^^ oh well. Maybe most of them noticed after the sax because she and her mom left shortly after.^^ funny way to do business. :D

anyway i know you’re not going to read this, but here it is nonetheless. I just miss you. I miss telling you everything. I guess i’ll always do.. I know you’re doing alright, probably better than i am, but take care of yourself always..

#ily

[solacemygame]

In another universe, I fought for you. I fought for our love. I never really listened to the people around us. In another universe, our love isn’t a sin, and the world isn’t cruel.