swampstew

[swampstew]

“why do you ship yourself with fictional characters”

[swampstew]

I-im sorry dom daddy. Forgive me?🥺👉🏽👈🏽

CYOA - Eustass Kid x Reader

There's an idea kicking around in my head, just a little one-shot kind of thing, but I wasn't sure where I wanted it to go, and decided that I'd just let you all decide.

How this works: I'll write a part of the story and leave the decision point as a poll. Depending on the weight of the decision it'll either be a day or a week.

If things go well I may start doing these as a monthly series when there's not much else going on (so May, June, August, September, December, etc.)

CW: CNC, bondage, orgasm denial, gender neutral (they/them) afab reader style, dom/sub setting, free use - reader and Kid are testing the waters of an always on dom/sub relationship with a month-long trial. (more warnings may apply as the story progresses).

Summary: Modern AU. Kid owns a BDSM club, and you - and the "crew" - live on the top floor. Most everyone has their own flat, but there's a lot of criss-cross on who is in whose bed on any given night. You and Kid have been steady for a year, and you have more casual relations with other members of the crew.

Everyone knows everything, communication and consent are king - this is not a noncon/cheating story.

Frustration and nerves ate at you as you worked your fingers over your needy clit. You weren't wearing any leather cuffs, or a collar, because you were just finishing up with a shower.

A week ago you and Kid had agreed on the terms of some 24/7 bdsm play. Kid had free use rights, others in the crew just had to ask him before interacting with you, but you could turn them down. You could, technically, turn Kid down too.

Begging Kid to stop wouldn't work, you wanted to be able to scream your head off and have him rail you. But you had some hand signals, and tunes you could hum if you needed things to slow down, and a phrase that would pause things for that day, or end it for the rest of the month.

What you had expected when you agreed to this, was to enjoy all the deepest debaucheries that lurked with Eustass Kid. You expected you'd spend hours on the breeding bench, mouth full of his cock once he fucked your cunt raw, tears down your face as you gagged and struggled to please him.

You figured he'd spit in your mouth, smack you around, and call you all sorts of degrading shit. He could - he enjoyed it, you knew that much for sure, and so did you.

Instead, you'd spent the last week naked except for a collar and cuff combination that kept your wrists just a few inches from your neck. Kid fed you, touched and teased you, but never even so much as put a finger in your mouth. He'd get you worked up until you were begging him for more, and then just deny you.

If you complained too much he'd just put you over his knee until your ass was red, and then you'd be worked up, desperate, sore and even needier than you were before hand.

You slept together too, so there was no sneaking in some pleasure at night either.

You were desperate for release, and walking around naked, the feel of his hand against your skin whenever he wanted, kept you on an edge that was maddening.

But you weren't going to use any of your safe words just for some denial. Especially not when you'd come to realize that shower time was your alone time. Well, when you had to go you got privacy then too, but it's hard to do that and masturbate at the same time. There's no time to come down from your high then.

After all the things Kid had done to you, taking care of things manually was a little anticlimactic, but desperate times and measures.

Your body was tensing from the building pleasure, legs and toes starting to curl as the sweet build up began to warm your entire body. You kept your breathing quiet, and bit your lower lip to help stifle any sounds that might give you away.

Just as you were nearly there, the bathroom door opened, and Kid stood in the doorway. He doesn't look surprised to see you in the situation, but the look on his face is clear:

You're in trouble.

#CYOA Eustass Kid #quinloki #oh damn this is gonna be good

[swampstew]

Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.

#goop soup to heal the soul

[swampstew]

oh wow! hey if you take pills check this out. new medicine taking meta just dropped.

according to these models, out of the 4 tested postures, the best position to digest pills is laying on your right side. standing upright has a similar time to laying in your back at twice as much as laying on the right side, and laying on the left side is the slowest by far.

laying on right side: pill dissolves in around 10 minutes.

standing: pill dissolves in 23 minutes. laying on the back has a similar time.

laying on left side: pill dissolves in up to 100 minutes.

https://doi.org/10.1063/5.0096877

definitely worth a lot more research.

if you want your medicine to kick in fast, try laying on your right side! if you want your medicine to kick in slower, try laying on your left side.

[swampstew]

The joke is they're all stupid

#captain trio #eustass kid #monkey d luffy #trafalgar law

[swampstew]

Brought home a new plant friend. Welcome home, Raven🖤

I wish every Saturday could be "dress like a fairy and frollick" kinda day. Alas, I shall serve my mountain trash fairy for today only

#raven's rantings #plant mommy #goth mommy too #zz black queen

[swampstew]

I wish every Saturday could be "dress like a fairy and frollick" kinda day. Alas, I shall serve my mountain trash fairy for today only

#raven's rantings #my wings got bent #sad

[swampstew]

The dream alliance that took forever to finish 😭😭😭

[swampstew]

[swampstew]

Killer, sweetie, don't you have some parmesan cheese to find? I hid some located somewhere on the ship. Let go of the captain, or I'll eat the pasta without the cheese

i'm here to suck and slurp captain!

#eustass kid #killer #kid pirates #Mind Ya Bizness #the captain is in safe and caring hands with me

[swampstew]

[swampstew]

I hate this whole needing money to live thing

[swampstew]

KillerCook Chapter 12

Welcome to Raven’s Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight’s story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI

TGIFF – thank goodness its fuckin Friday! A long and exhausting week now behind you after a delicious late-afternoon nap, you can finally get your weekend going! First things first, phone. No better feeling than laying snug in bed and scrolling. Snug as a bug in a rug, want a hug?

Laughing to yourself at the internal rhyme, your carefree tone drops as anguish roils in your stomach. There are several notifications on your screen banner. But the one that makes you feel like you’re going to scream is the notification for KillerCook going live.

An hour and a half ago.

You take measured breaths as you robotically punch in your passcode and open the app, praying to any deity willing to help to keep you from missing a chance at seeing them.

Your reasons for breathing.

For going on each grueling day.

You suck in air as the app connects to your internet, only to let out a whimpering sigh of relief when you see the live is still going.

‘KillerCook is live: Kid Pirates BACA it up!!’

“GODS THEY’RE SO FUCKING COOL AND AMAZING!!!!” you squeal into your pillows. Giddily kicking your feet into the rumpled sheets, you press the volume button to its highest setting.

“Gang, thanks so much, take a moment and give yourself a shoulder pat. We’ve been live for nearly two hours and we met the donation goal in the first 50 minutes. I’ve never had to improv so much in my [redacted] life!!” the head chef gushed to the camera. “We really appreciate the enthusiasm to see us strip down and crush things in support of our biker crew chapter. Each donation means a lot not only to us but to the people its going to help.”

“Now the finale you’ve all been waiting for,” Killer teased as he and the others began to dress down into the dangerously skin tight swim trunks they wore under their respective pants.

“The big squeeze! To recap, our highest donors would get the privilege of having their user name on the melon as we squeeze them between our thighs. Who should start?”

The app notifications were pinging so fast that it sounded like the alarm itself was having a stroke.

“You can’t vote for me all 4 times,” Kid rolled his eyes, “Try again and actually follow directions!”

After an unsatisfactory stalemate, Kid made the executive decision to direct the line up. Wire was the first man to squeeze his melon.

Wire’s swim pants left nothing to the imagination, probably a bit more than he intended as he wrapped his towel around his pelvis and lower stomach.

A round, plump watermelon sat snug in his lap, the lucky patron – NightmareBeforeAugust.

“Hope your head doesn’t pop for realsies,” Wire winked before making overdramatic stretching motions. Properly limber, he adjusted his seat crossing his calves over each other as the melon began to develop bumps and tears on the skin.

Clasping his hands shut and locking his ankles tight, Wire squeezed his thighs again causing the watermelon to split vertically. Juice sprayed and splattered across his lap and chest, little chunks of melon lightly hit his face from the force.

“Juicy,” Wire laughed.

Heat was the next victim. He wore slightly looser fitting swim trunks that came down mid-thigh. His toned legs were still visible exposing his thorny vine tattoos extended down his thighs stopping at the knee.

Pulling his hair back in a loose bun, Heat lowered safety glasses over his eyes and pulled a travel-sized bottle of tajín from his pocket.

“Really, Heat?”

“What? A man has needs.”

Doing a quick stretch routine, Heat nestled the watermelon in between his thighs. The patron, SlapMyMass_ND_CallMe, was inked across the fruit with bright silver marker.

“Hey is it cheating if I’m holding it with my hands? I just wanna make sure it doesn’t slide out or anything,” Heat asked.

“Heat is weak you heard it here first folks!” Kid crowed in the background, the sunny rays bouncing off his aviator sunglasses. Heat threw a bottle of sun lotion at the redhead.

“Only if you don’t use your hands to actually break it. I don’t know, I would say its fine but we’d need to see your watermelon up close and personal.”

Moving the camera so it was right in front of Heat, “Ok viewers, call his ass out if he cheats!”

Wire was barking with laughter, “OI! JaneyM1098 says: ‘If I’m seeing his ass I’m staying friggin silent, no one snitch!!!!’”

That made Kid and Killer roar with laughter. Heat looked unimpressed with everyone.

Clearing his throat, Heat adjusted himself until he was seated in a yoga position, commonly known as the boat pose. Balancing on his sitting bones, Heat clasped the watermelon vertically in his hands, bringing them to the upper part of his thighs just before the knees.

 Hooking his ankles together quickly, Heat applied an immense amount of pressure that made the watermelon practically crumble between his thighs. Pulp and juice coats his hands and thighs – to which he grabbed his tajín powder and started lightly coating his hands.

“Heat not on camera Jesus!” Kid grimaced as the bluette licked his hands clean.

“Eat my shorts.”

“No [redacted] thanks.”

“Kid you’re up,” Killer threw a towel at the redhead’s face.

Eustass Kid has muscles for days.

His body a never ending river of waves, channels, and dips from the contours of his physique. The perfect amount of muscle to body fat ratio, a near perfect human specimen. Wearing a deep red bathing suit that really should be considered just briefs – they were a snug fit.

“I’ll bust this melon in less than 30 seconds,” Kid proudly boasted, lightly tossing his watermelon in the air. “Hey CraftyBitchNextDoor, I last way longer than that,” he winked at the camera, making the others groan.

Dropping to the ground, Kid leaned at an incline while raising his legs in the air. Putting the melon between his thighs, Kid put his arms behind his head and stuck his tongue out at the camera.

The watermelon put up no resistance as Kid’s thighs squished it, making the melon pop as the red flesh oozed from the rind and all over his body. Juice squirted out and hit his chest, running down to his lap and red chunks of flesh pooled with it as he laid back, proud of his accomplishment.

“That was 8 seconds babe!” Kid his hand up with the sign of the horns, waving it back and forth.

The notifications were beginning to buzz over the music.

“Ok these comments are way too horny for chat, you’re all perverts!” Wire admonished the viewers. “Killer let’s wrap this up, I can’t even say the things I want to say without your audience going [redacted] feral. Suffice to say, I want to shower up and clean this juice off me!”

“Oi don’t rush me, this is my show!” the blonde scoffed, peeling off his sweaty white stringer tank top. Sitting on the floor, Killer rolled the watermelon between his palms as if he was checking to find the fruit’s weak point.

Facing the melon forward so the top donator’s name was easy to see, “- _LickMeImUrLollipop thank you for being one of the most generous people that’s supported this channel. You’re donation was so large I almost wanted to deny it. I feel like I need to pay you back or something,” he chuckled.

“Ohh shit she answered!” Heat called out excitedly. “If you wanna make me dinner as thanks I wouldn’t be opposed.” Letting out a wolf howl, “Killer’s got a hot date!”

“Shut up Heat!” Killer’s neck was flushed red. “Hmmm we’ll talk Lollipop. For now, I’m gonna squish your melon. In the name of Bikers Against Child Abuse!” Killer placed the melon between his thighs.

“I hope you join us for another charity stream in the future y’all. You’ve impressed us so much and we know of a ton of places that can use help from people like you.”

Without further flair, Killer slammed his thighs together making the watermelon burst and fly apart. As red juice and flesh rained around the TikTok influencer, he took a moment to flex his biceps for the camera.

“Yeah, I did that. I slayed that!” Killer chuckled again. “Ok, I’ve getting too silly which means its time to say goodbye,” he stood up with his friends surrounding him.

“I love you all, catch you next time! This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

Live has ended.

Bonus: Pinned Post

KillerCook: Charities, non-profits, and other organizations near and dear to our hearts. Please consider donating, sharing the links, or spreading the word of these organizations to help them meet their goals.

Bikers Against Child Abuse - https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=NW3T5W7Z66U8E

Planned Parenthood - https://www.weareplannedparenthood.org/onlineactions/2U7UN1iNhESWUfDs4gDPNg2?sourceid=1000063

One Click for Palestine - https://arab.org/click-to-help/palestine/

UNRWA - https://donate.unrwa.org/-landing-page/en_EN

Grassroots International - https://grassrootsonline.org/donate/

Jewish Voice for Peace - https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/contribute/?sourceid=1002270

The Trevor Project - https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/contribute/?sourceid=1002270

Point of Pride - https://www.pointofpride.org/donate

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

#killercook #massacre soldier killer #eustass kid #raven's reading nook #firstmatesimp #kid pirates #heat one piece #wire one piece #op kid pirates #kid pirate nakama #killer one piece #eustass captain kid #tiktok #modern AU #eustasscaptainkid #ao3 writer #wattpad author #swampstew #swampstew stories

[swampstew]

KillerCook Chapter 11

Welcome to Raven’s Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight’s story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI

*Phone app notification goes ping*

TikTok – KillerCook has uploaded a new video. Check it out!

Title: HACKED Description: This ain’t your regularly scheduled programming punks!5 minute video. The thumbnail is a shadowed figure with a menacing looking ‘X’ mark over the body.

*Press Play?*

The video began with what appeared to be a hostage situation.

KillerCook was tied to a chair with rope and chains, a blindfold over his helmet and duct tape adhered to most of his face holes.

“Uhh, this isn’t what it looks like,” Killer was able to voice out from behind the bondage.

“No, it’s exactly what it looks like,” barked Kid as he stepped into the frame. “This effin idiot was gonna make content on HIS birthday. Not in my house. Today is technically Killer’s birthday but we’re kidnapping – shut the hell up – him so he can actually let his hair down for once in his life.”

Heat stepped into the frame on Killer’s opposite side, “Originally, we were gonna take over the channel and cook for him. BUT, Kid had a light-bulb moment and we developed a scheme to treat the birthday man. You all will be seeing this next week, but rest assured, we’ve got it covered. Wish Killer a happy birthday in the comments and he’ll read them all when we come back!”

Wire came from behind the camera shaking a can of whipped cream, stepping menacingly towards Killer. Aiming the nozzle into one of the helmet holes, he pressed down on the can until Killer began thrashing, white whipped cream oozed from behind the taped holes. “THIS IS FOR THROWING FOOD AT ME ALL YEAR!”

The video transitioned to a blue and white screen with a traditional birthday melody laid over it.

A slideshow of videos and still-shot frames from Killer’s birthday kidnapping started playing.

Killer’s hostage-wear stayed on as the crew drove to the marina, where a punk-looking yacht was moored. The bow of the ship was adorned with a skeletal body, and there were blue and red flames painted to the sides of the hull. Black cursive spelled out the beauty’s name – Victoria Punk.

“The bag over the helmet is really pointless, I know where we are,” Killer’s muffled complaint went ignored as he was marched up the boarding plank.

About 30 pictures went by with various crew members and friends posing with hostage Killer; one photo had him wearing a beer helmet over the bag over his helmet, the straws tucked underneath all the materials to give Killer some libation.

Finally liberated, Killer – dressed down into swim trunks and his helmet – took a running leap off the yacht to cannonball into the sea. As he resurfaced, the rest of the crew cannonballed after him, created a wave of water to shower down on him and the camera, which promptly died.

_______________________

Kid’s pissed-off scowl came into focus as he adjusted the new camera perspective, “{Redacted} idiots killed my phone instead of using the {redacted} GoPro.”

The next clip showed Killer relaxing with a beer bottle in hand, laying against a giant pizza slice pool float as people drifted by him, playing in the water. All was calm until Quincy, Bubblegum, and Heat swam underneath the float and flipped it over. When Killer broke the surface, the laughter tripled as his hair was plastered all over his helmet and chest, but his beer-bottle was still in one of the face holes.

“There’s sea water in my beer,” he said flatly.

A new clip had a heavy metal anthem roaring in the background as the yacht was sailing at high speed on the open ocean. Killer was standing on the bow, holding a Scottish flag, and thrashing his hair to the music.

More photos of the crew and Killer celebrating his birthday with drinking games, strength competitions, and gorging on fresh seafood flooded the TikTok video. Amongst the main crew and personal friends, there were also members of the Straw Hat crew, and even some ‘frenemy’ rivals that had been spoken of but not ever invited on to the KillerCook channel before. By the time the lighting in the photos grew darker, Killer’s helmet had been exchanged for a face mask and his cerulean eyes were noticeably glossy.

“Hap-hic-happy birthday, Kill, -hic- the best-{redacted}-friend a punk could-hic ask for,” slurred Kid as he gripped Killer’s shoulder. Both men swayed as a cake was brought out to the main deck. Sunset had long passed, the yacht was brightly lit up with swarms of bulbs on strings that hung tastefully along the walls and railings.

Everyone began to sing the birthday song and Killer might have shed a tear, shoving a palm roughly to his face.

“{Redacted}-A, I don’t even know what to say,” Killer drawled out. “All I was going to do was make a small cake and smoke my pipe. You {redacted} are so good to me. Well, not all of you, but I like most of yah. Some I don’t know how you got invited, seriously. But I’m glad you’re here celebrating anyways. I don’t have a wish to make, truly. I’ve got everything, everyone. So thanks. Alright I’m not going to get mushy on all you freeloaders!” Killer ripped off his face mask.

With deep-purple stained lips, Killer’s gorgeous smile shined brightly as he took a gulp of air and blew out the sparkler-flame candles. The party participants roared in celebration at the same time an airhorn started blowing off-screen.

The camera quickly panned to the culprit of the sound. A modest sized cruise ship with a flag waving proudly on the masts pulled up portside. On the side of the hull it’s name was proudly presented: The Baratie. The camera’s change in perspective did not allow for viewers to see who let out the strangled, high-pitched scream of excitement.

Sanji was clutching Killer’s soldiers and babbling incoherently before jumping into the water, swimming towards the restaurant ship.

Hands covering his face, Killer sobbed out, “I’m so fucking happy!! LET’S EAT!!!!”

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

[swampstew]

KillerCook Chapter 10

Welcome to Raven’s Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight’s story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI

“Almost ready guys?”

Affirmative voices responded to Killer as he tied his apron around his waist, preparing to go live. Wire adjusted the overhead camera mount for angles and fluid movement while Heat used his laptop to monitor and assist with the show’s channel.

“Last run down: we go live, I do my bit, the ingredients are presented, the rest of the crew helps mix, assemble, and decorate, we call in Kid and we start the party. Did I miss anything?”

Blank stares looked back at him, not answering until—

“Where’s your helmet Killer?” Dive pointed to his bare face.

“OH SHIT!”

A light knocking came from the kitchen door and Killer jumped, “NO ONE COME IN HERE! ITS FORBIDDEN!”

Silence took over as the person on the other side of the door didn’t answer or knock again. Instead, something was pressed against the wooden door, and multiple feet could be heard scurrying through the hall and away from the kitchen.

“Who else is in the house?” Killer asked after he quickly counted his crew.

“Distractions for the Boss,” Wire flashed him a thumbs up.

“…Which one of you invited the Straw Hats?”

“Killer its time!” Heat called out a minute before the hour.

“Shit, where’s my helmet?!”

Pomp was closest to the door and cracked it open before fully opening to bring in a box sitting on the floor. Inside, Killer’s helmet. A note attached to the front that read:

Sorry we took it. Wanted to see what it looked like with my hat. Jaggy already hit me and the lady in pink said to apologize. Save me some dessert please. Monkey D. Luffy

“I-whatever. As long as it doesn’t smell weird,” Killer grumbled, tossing the note in the trashcan.

Wire led the countdown, “Going Live in 3, 2, 1,” he mouthed the final number and pointed his finger at the chef to begin.

“Hey everyone! KillerCook here with a special announcement. It’s my #1 taste tester’s birthday! So today me and the crew are working together to make awesome desserts for the man who eats anything and everything!”

The crew walked through the camera’s focus as Killer introduced each one to the audience.

“Everyone is contributing, no spice or egg will be added by the same person as we all work together, quite possibly in peaceful harmony, to make this day as great as possible. As always, the recipes will be pinned to the top for anyone wanting to try it out at home. Keep the tags and stitches coming, I love seeing you all try these dishes and putting your own flair on them!”

Directing the procession with the crew, Killer had them walk in and out of the camera frame showcasing each ingredient as if it were a game show presenting the prizes to be won.

“We’re throwing the Captain a party so we need to make enough desserts for everyone AND him. Now Kid isn’t the type of guy who sticks to most traditions, just a few that he holds close to the heart. Birthday cakes he can go either way. To make things interesting, we’re not doing just One Cake. We’re going to make 3 desserts, and hopefully still have enough to satisfy everyone’s appetite and not leave ANY leftovers.”

Pulling out his tablet device, Killer showed the screen to his followers to share the desserts in mind. The sound of notifications pinging indicated that the poll was popping off. Heat gave Killer an enthusiastic whisper shout and lowered the background music so the audience could hear Killer better.

“I’m hearing a debate has broken out on whether or not two of the desserts are the same. Well kind of yes and no. Choux pastry technically is the branch family that makes both Profiteroles and Cream Puffs, HOWEVER – the difference is the filling, one uses custard and the other uses whipped cream and fruit. So technically different. Yes, I agree that a Chocolate Trifle is the clear ‘birthday cake’ replacement, but like I said, we need enough for everyone and Kid doesn’t love sharing.”

Killer motioned for Gig and UK to bring a massive serving dish into the camera’s focus.

“This is why we had to custom order this bad boy!” using a rag from his apron pocket, Killer wiped some fingerprints from the side of the bowl. “This is a pure crystal trifle bowl that can hold enough servings for 4 Kids! So I think we’ll be good. We’ll assemble the layers last to let the pudding and whipped cream chill for serving.”

The two men brought the bowl to a different area and out of the way as Killer brought out the first group of bakers.

“This is the Trifle Squad. Get to position,” the group composed of Reck, Dive, Jaguar, Pomp, and House moved towards the counter space nearest to the fridge. They began grabbing their ingredients and tools to begin baking when given the sign.

“This is the Cherry Squad, they have the fun bonus of mashing the cherries for our glaze outside. Speaking of, you can go do that now,” Killer pointed off camera. Mosh, Boogie, Quincy, Compo, and Disc J marched to their designation.

“Can’t forget about the [redacted] squad. And if you’ve been wondering about the recent use of censorship lately, well to be honest it’s all on you guys. There’s been an addendum to the social media contract that says we can’t say certain words or risk getting banned. So keep it PG-17!”

Haikei, Emma, Moai, Hop, and Papas made their way to the kitchen island with their respective mixing bowls and ingredients. That left only a few members of the official crew left.

“And last but certainly not least, the Rough Runners. Unlike the name implies, they will be our kitchen coordinators that clean dishes, bring us ingredients or tools we need to each other and from anywhere we keep them. Step up guys,” Killer motioned for the last members to come forward.

Hip, Oscar, Noe, UK, Gig, and Bubblegum stood in a line from descending order as they waved to the camera.

“Bubblegum and Gig also act as bouncers and security on the side and will also be the enforcers tonight as our parties tend to uh, get a little crazy,” Killer waved to the other tallest members of the crew that weren’t Wire.

“With the help of some local friends, the party is being set up in the backyard while we prepare the desserts for the birthday brute. Ideally, we all work in harmony to make the desserts at once. If we can manage that, well let’s just say there’s an underground betting pool that this is all riding on.”

The crew laughed as Killer joined them with his pastry hat adjusted on his helmet. Heat turned up the music playlist and Wire took over directing the live show so the chef could focus all his energy in his kitchen. Every crewmate had their moment of camera time as Wire woved between the bakers, the glazers, the runners, and Heat who entertained the community chatters as he ran polls and answered the text channel to keep the audience engaged.

As Killer prepared the doughs for baking, his commis chefs worked in their respective sections to make the glaze, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, bake the brownies, crush the No-reos, and do everything in between. Any time the groups found themselves with a few minutes to spare, they would huddle around Heat and talk to the audience as Wire filmed it.

“—And that’s cool and all but I wouldn’t mind becoming a tattoo artist, in fact I already do dotwork style but most people prefer other methods so no reason to stay in one lane,” Emma finished the rest of her water and handed the glass to Oscar. He threw her a dirty look before going to the sink.

“User_x58469: is directing this question to Papas: ‘are the tinted sunglasses indoors a statement’?”

“Yeah it’s a statement. A statement that says I need prescription glasses and I have style. [Redacted] off, I’ve got work ta do,” he grumbled, pulling his hoodie over his head and walked to the kitchen.

“He’s sensitive about his eyesight,” Heat tutted at the chat.

“And I’m sensitive about lingerers,” Killer loomed over the sizable group that had crowded around Heat and Wire. “It’s time to do the decorating, give me my show back!”

As the crewmembers ran to their stations, Killer tsked at his technical assistants before taking command of the camera once more.

“We’re in the last stretch! Now we get to the fun part, filling and putting together the layers. For the trifle, we’ll be taking turns layering the cooled pudding and whipped cream, the chopped up brownies, crushed no-reos, and chocolate shavings in the crystal bowl. We’ll also be filling the profiteroles with vanilla custard and drizzling the chocolate sauce on top once all the dough balls are filled. At the same time, we’ll be cutting the other half of the dough balls in half so we can layer the black cherry whipped cream between the two halves and top it off with some powdered sugar and a generous drizzle of black cherry glaze.”

Killer looked at his watch, “We’re making such great time that we’ll actually be done at the time the party starts which is just perfect. I have time for a few questions before I get back to supervising and layering.

“FreeBritney_MS: wants to know how difficult is chiox pastry, and if you need to be an advanced baker to attempt it.”

“Oh this is a myth! Its considered an advanced form of bakery but really all you need is patience and creativity. Most people fail between making the dough just right, or in the double baking process. Common mistakes I see are undercooking the dough, or having the structure fall when baking is done. I would advise working slow to see what your dough needs from you in order to bake exactly what you want. Don’t forget to poke a hole before the second bake, otherwise the inside won’t fully cook and get that flaky crispness its known for.”

Before long, the kitchen was relatively quiet as the music flowed and the crew took their time meticulously decorating each dessert. When they were done, they had created 300 pastries and probably the world’s biggest trifle.

“Without further ado, let’s bring in the man of the hour for his taste testing.”

Killer pressed the button under the counter to signal for Kid to come in. With a final grating of chocolate shavings on the trifle and making sure the sauces and glazes dripped in droolworthy fashion, he pushed a plate of desserts from the main bounty forward and motioned for the crew to move around to still be in the camera’s wide frame shot.

Everyone waited in anticipation as the thudding sound of boots echoed from the hallway. The door was pushed open, revealing a behemoth wearing an outfit fit for the King of Punks.

Kid was dripped out in black, ripped jeans with a mesh tank top that was partially covered by his beloved patched jacket. It had all his favorite bands, his own jolly rogers, and other inside jokes patched on the black dyed denim and spikes that ran down the collar and shoulders. At his waist, a checkered plaid half kilt that shrouded his legs but did not take away from his steel toed Doc Martens. His tufted hair was styled extra pointed, and his signature goggles were gone, in their place a simple paisley bandana keeping his long locks from his face.

Instead of his usual black guyliner, Kid had opted for a dramatic wing effect and complemented the look with a smoked red color that made his eyes glow. He had gone a little heavy on the highlighter dusted across his cheekbones and tip of his nose, but his red lipstick was immaculate as always. His golden piercings shone as if a hundred camera flashes were going off at his every movement.

The pièce de résistance was the massive wreath that rested against chest.

Massive whirls of meringue were piped together side by side to create the wreathe, and inside each of the piped nest shapes, there were tufts of meringue piped inside and on the outer rim of the nest to create a thick chain of meringue gears. The inner circle of the wreath was reinforced with solid layers of meringue to keep the shape stable, and in those flat surfaces, diluted food coloring had been used to paint a watercolor like design. The design looked vaguely like an eastern red dragon encircling the wreath itself. The gears were sprinkled with splashes of silver food coloring and edible gold leaf flakes placed on the outer rims.

A smirk was plastered on Kid’s face as he gently lifted the wreath from his chest, “Jealous of my bling?”

“Wh-what is it?” Dive asked.

Killer walked up to the birthday boy and lightly tapped his finger to the wreath, “It smells and looks like it’s made of meringue.”

“Damn straight it is. Gonna eat it later.”

“Oh that’s really cool, look at the detail,” Wire ran his fingers on the wreath for the camera and pressed too hard on one of the gears causing it to crackle and dent.

“WATCH IT! You break my wreath and I break your face,” Kid snapped, stepping past the curious hands to stand in front of the island countertop.

“It’s sturdy enough which means an expert made this,” Killer scoffed, “It’ll stay together assuming you don’t punch it or tug it.”

“Yeah yeah, what’d you make for me?”

“Excuuuuusssseeee me, Captain,” the chef regained his posture. “Made you this. Happy [redacted] birthday!” he flippantly pointed at the desserts.

“What’re you bitchy about?”

“I thought I was making your birthday dessert.”

“This isn’t dessert, Kill. It’s a tasty treat, from a tasty treat. Drop the dramatics.”

Like a switch had been flipped, Killer straightened his hat and cleared his throat, looking at the camera to continue his script.

“Aye aye Captain,” he said only a little sarcastically. “We present you with profiteroles, cherry cream puffs, and a chocolate trifle. We put together ‘specially for you.”

“Happy birthday captain!” the crew began cheering in the background as Kid smiled and nodded his head at them. He popped a profiterole in his mouth first.

“Oh damn that’s so good! I thought it was going to be cakier but the way it just crumbled and the custard to pastry ratio is just perfect!”

Killer nodded in approval as the others whooped.

Grabbing a napkin in his metal hand, Kid carefully ate the cherry cream puff, careful to not let it drip on his clothes. “I never knew cherry could taste this [redacted] good! The glaze has a tarty aftertaste but it hits so well after the whipped cream and pastry goes down. I really like those, make sure I get more of those.”

“Aye aye,” Killer went to section off a generous portion.

Balancing his mini dessert bowl in his hand, Kid took a precarious bite before a pleased smile spread across his face, “I really thought this would be too sweet but [redacted] [redacted] if that isn’t the best chocolate dessert I’ve ever had. The pudding and whipped cream layers are so light that its easy to just gobble this up. The brownie and no-reos go well with that sweet and salty balance, and just all together like this, I already said it but I’ll say it again, the BEST chocolate dessert, maybe in the history of ever. Great [redacted] job everyone!”

The crew swarmed Kid to individually wish him a happy birthday before the camera could get a clear shot of the Captain again. When they moved to the background and out of the frame, Kid grabbed Killer in a delicate hug that didn’t crush the sugary wreath.

“Thank you brother, it means a lot to me you went through this effort to make me something. You always do but it never ceases to amaze me.”

“Anytime little brother. We’ll always have your back, ride or die for life, we’re the Kid Pirates!”

The sound of howling and whistling overtook the music as the crew cheered for their nakama. They began tossing balloons around the kitchen and Killer took of his chef hat to replace it with a party hat. Suddenly, the sound of a young man’s voice cut through all the yelling.

“IS IT TIME FOR THE CAKE?!”

“Looks like we’re outta time! See you next time when I teach you all how to tackle the dreaded croissant. It’s not that hard, and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

Live has ended.

Bonus: The comment section

Prop0$aline: How does a guy get a dessert order like that for my birthday? Asking for me. KillerCook: For a limited time only, I’ll be selling baked goods online! Scream_Maim_Fire: Siiiike, most state laws prohibit the sale of consumable goods. If you drive here that’s a different story. KillerCook: Please do not drive here. CabinHo3: From the bottom of all our hearts, happy birthday Captain!!! PunkNeverDied69: Thanks <3 Iwannabe_wherethepirates_arr: When is recruitment open??? FlamingHot420: Ehh…to be determined. Working on some…roadblocks at the moment.

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[swampstew]

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 9

Welcome to Raven’s Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight’s story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI

*Phone app notification goes bing bong*

TikTok – KillerCook has uploaded a new video. Check out their page and make sure you turn on notification so you don’t miss any content!

Title: Countless Cupcakes Description: It’s Heat’s birthday! Enjoy this compilation video of us smashing cupcakes in his face. 4 minute, 30 second video. The thumbnail is Heat’s face, covered with a healthy amount of colorful frosting, someone made a smiley face over where his lips would be, his eyes are blazing red.

*Press Play*

“Hello everyone! KillerCook here with some exciting news – one of my best buddies, FlamingHot420, is celebrating his {redacted} years on this planet. So how else can we show him we love him? By smashing cupcakes in his face when he least expects it. Everyone on the crew made a different flavor, some might be boozy, some might have a surprise inside, and some might be edibles. Let’s see how fucked up we can get him! Make sure you wish him a happy birthday in the comments – and only happy birthday – OR ELSE!” Killer’s finger wagged at the camera before he picked up a cupcake. It was wrapped in a metallic blue foil, topped with blue frosting and vertical white chocolate stripes.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUCKER!!” the blonde suddenly screamed as he threw his cupcake across the room. The camera panned to follow the baked confection’s trajectory. Flying through the air until it splattered hilariously into the tall, blue haired cutie. His suit and tie t-shirt was immediately covered as frosting dripped from Heat’s face.

With closed eyes, Heat poked his tongue out and licked the ruined treat hanging off his lip. “Hmmm, blueberry with toasted coconut? Damn that’s RICH. What’s the aftertaste I’m getting, white chocolate?”

“You’re not wrong,” Killer mused, pulling a long spoon from the hole in his helmet, licking up frosting from the bowl. “The white chocolate was to mask the weed taste. I forgot how many grams I put in it.”

“Jesus Christ Killer.”

“I’m lying,” Killer whispered to the camera when it panned back to his face. “I know exactly how much I put in it.”

Kid burst into the background wearing several pointed party hats on his head that resembled a spiky bike helmet, bulky stereo perched on his shoulder that was on but not playing anything.

“KID PIRATES – ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!!”

Before Heat could move, more of the crew began filtering into the kitchen space, each one holding a different cupcake in hand, all wearing party hats and mischievous smirks on their faces.

“Ah shit,” Heat’s shoulders slumped, “You’re really gonna make me run on my birthday?”

“Only if you don’t want to get {redacted} {redacted} to {redacted} and {redacted} gang-bang style,” Kid roared with laughter as his own comment.

“KID YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ON CAMERA!” Killer whipped a spatula full of blue frosting at the Captain.

The redhead dodged the creamy frosting and pressed play on the stereo, blaring a popular birthday rap song that made the speakers boom.

“ATTACK!” The redhead grabbed the second cupcake Wire held in his hand, smushing it into Heat’s gaping jaw. The piped red frosting smeared over Heat’s lips, the cake itself crumbling and squeezing through Kid’s hand as he crushed it for maximum mess.

Heat jumped back for space, pushing aside Killer and Jaguar as he raced for the door to the yard, half choking and half going mmmmmmm at the flavor.

“Was that real Fireball whiskey?!” Heat hoarsely cried out as he stumbled through the threshold.

“YOU BETCH’Y’RE ASS IT IS!”

“You guys are gonna kill me!”

With the same rap song laid over the rest of video, the remaining minutes were a compilation of short clips of each member of the crew smashing their cupcake wherever they could reach on the tattooed bluette. Heat would eat whatever remains he could gobble up and call out the flavors as the camera chased behind him, the rest of the crew coming in and out view as they creatively tried to dive bomb and trip the birthday boy so they could throw cake in his face.

“Chocolate Peppermint!”

“Matcha and Cinnamon!”

“Purple…velvet? You can make red velvet purple? Is there a blue velvet?!”

“Death by Chocolate!”

“Pistachio Rosebud? Didn’t expect that from you Pomp.”

“Pink Lemonade? Do I look like a bitch?”

“Margarita alright that’s more like it!”

“ICE CREAM IN THE MIDDLE! HOLY FUCK!”

“Plain vanilla? Really? Are you basic?”

“Caramel Latte? I feel fancy.”

“NO THE PRESENTATION EVEN LOOKS LIKE A MOSCOW MULE DON’T—”

“Carrot cake!”  

“Boston Crème! That is decadent!”

“Bro I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch!!”

“Mimosa? Is it bottomless? No really is there more?”

“CANNOLI?! Mama Mia…”

“You know I’m a sucker for Kahlua, Wire. Easy win you bastard.”

“Cheesecake center? Well damn!”

“DON’T YOU DARE THROW THAT PICKLE LOOKING CONCOCTION AT ME GIG I’LL FUCKING KILL—” *spews it out. *

“It looks like the Grinch. Is it the Grinch? Is that would the Grinch would taste like? He tastes like weed…ooohhhh.”

“Rumchata? Look at you, fancy as fuck, House.”

“Bro the cookie dough presentation, cookie dough frosting, and cookie dough cake flavor is fucking me up. Was that all cooked – none of it was raw right????”

“Is that real marshmallow fluff? Oh it’s s’mores I love that!”

“Is that supposed to be brains? Jesus Christ I don’t wan— oh! It’s raspberry!”

“CHURRO! BITCH I LOVE CHURROS!”

“…That crème brulee frosting looks sus…”

“Pumpkin Spice, hell yeah.”

“Lemon custard!”

“Caramelized Pear? Oh shit that’s divine!”

“Aw it’s my face!” – SPLAT – “Mmm, yes I do feel like if I was a cupcake flavor, I would be Guiness Chocolate. Exquisite.”

The video ends with a repeat of the chorus fading and a still frame of the Kid Pirates laying down on the floor looking drunk and covered in frosting and cake. Heat is in the center, completely passed out. As the video fades to black, KillerCook’s logo floats to the center before the video ends.

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[swampstew]

dev patel really said "i support trans ppls rights....... trans ppls rights to kill bigots with guns and metal pipes and chairs and cool knives'' anyway watch monkey man