#& it’s frustrating bc there’s also so much pressure not just from myself but other ppl that I want to be able to pull through & do things

[sothischickshe]

For the fic writer asks! 4! 10! 19!

thank! u!! <3

4. What part of the story do you usually start with first?

for the writing down part? pretty much always the beginning! (although sometimes i've been wrong abt where that beginning was haha)

10. Chapter fics or one long piece?

it dEpEnDs, but probs erring more towards one (long or otherwise lol) piece (and/or mayyybe shortish series?).

i mean to start with, there’s so much i want to write (waaaaah), that if i can work out how to knock something out in a one-shot, that is a Win, ha. (also i very much like finishing things! like ha! you’re done! fuck you!! which is obvi easier with a one shot cos it’s just...done.)

but also, having written a few multi-chapters early, i think i got a bit scared off them lol. like i don’t regret what/how i did (them) bc i learnt a lot from that process! but, as someone who lovvvvvves discovering and finessing things in the edit, it was kinda frustrating to learn (and learn harder) that those do work a lot better with a Plan (bc i kept finding that i was having to State Things To Establish Them, rather than having had the wisdom to establish them via pattern or w/e).

but also & perhaps mostly, i think i found the existence of something hanging overhead which needed finishing quite a Pressure, as well as wanting to ensure the conclusion was Worth It. and i def think, even if i wasnt aware of it, i was much more Concerned with other ppl’s opinions, whereas now if someone didnt like an ending i’d probs be like...yea ok, nobody asked bye.

& with the serieseses as well as filing her nails, ive had a lot of fun with combing through the previous parts to find Clues I’ve Left Myself in order to continue the story in a way which makes sense & i think that’s helped me trust my instincts in terms of characterisation as well as including random shiz that might not have an immediate payoff.

i feel like developing a writing process is in many ways: working out what stuff you like/wanna do in the planning stages, and what stuff you like/wanna do in the editing stages, as well as how that might differ for different (types of?) stories...?

ultimately, i think oneshots are def (for me at least) a better ground to learn things and try things out cos you only have (lol lightbulb) one...shot... to make it work? like you gotta wrap everything up & make sense of it all etc (unless you’re going to add more obvi ha but im reasonably Resistant to that concept for a Reason lol). and i think writing quite a few of those (and ending up turning sOmE into serieseses) has made me feel more confident in my pacing and indeed planning! (and i think the serieseseses and indeed filing, which has barely any plot, has taught me how to offset a lack of planning-for-multipartness better...? i ALSO think developing a writing process in many ways is: working out how to lean into weaknesses and utilise them as strengths, ha)

so im not like anti multi-chaps and/or series, and i might return to (plottier) multi-chaps one day! i think if i can get the incentive fic to around ~25k max, it’s a one-shot. anything significantly longer than that and it’s probs gonna HAVE to split into either chaps or a series (i fear it will be Big, o no). the band au im pretty sure is going to have to be multi-chapter (unless i can work out how to do it in like 700 words lol).

also i fundamentally reject the ‘long’ in ‘one long piece’. i love writing short things!!! n i feel like i havent written a proper short story in ages, sniff (maybe i can indulge those vibes with the dean pov cr*ckfic hmm hmm hmm)

but yea... in conclusion, i think it does depend on the story!

19. Do you write the same things you love to read?

yes, and also no,

i think what i write is reasonably broad (and i do write things i want to read!), but what i love to read is broader? (i mean to start with i love reading original fiction and i dont write any lol)

i suppose it depends on what this MeAnS exactly... if we’re talking about fic povs or ships or tropes or lengths or formats or styles, then i think my tastes are probs broader than what i write, if we’re talking fandoms then at least atm, reading and writing tastes match up, if we’re talking like tropes/warnings im reticent abt, then my reading is probs a lil broader than my writing but not by a huge amount? 

ultimately i think ive got quite broad tastes, and i think that’s reflected in both my writing and reading, but also i dont like being bored, and i think that is too....?

askies

#writing #on writing #fanfiction #im not sure i know how to answer the last q bc im not sure i know how to define what i write lol #i obvi dont like to only read things similar to what i write #but i guess there are things which i find stereotypical in varied ways which im not interested in writing or particularly reading #but also there are tropes and takes ive got little interest in writing for varied reasons that ive loved reading examples of #and im pretty much always ready to be convinced re reading #like i dont have a lot of hard de facto sand lines #but there is stuff im reticent abt reading for sure #and i think with gg ive had my feelings hurt too many times by canon too which def plays into that stuff #(ah this is why ppl dont like playing scr*ples with me lol...im always: it depends ha) #also! i remembered another pro of multi-chapters! chapter TITLES #maybe i can sidestep the need for the incent*ve fic to have a yknow decent title #by splitting it up into chapters which themselves have good titles... hmm hmm hmm hmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!.

[sometimesrosy]

a) Rosy, how do you get over regret, resentment, and missed opportunities? I just can't seem to move on. I have all this anger and resentment towards my parents for doing things that caused me so much harm and towards myself for not dealing better with it in the moment. I feel so upset over all the missed opportunities during this time because I was basically a hermit in a cave for 1.5 years bc of the depression and anxiety I had due to the pressure cooker situation created by my parents.

b) I can't stop feeling angry with my parents for creating that situation (they're not bad ppl but reacted really emotionally. There was constant criticism of me and dare I say, emotional abuse). I can't stop feeling angry with myself for succumbing to it. The reason it hurts is because I missed out on so much, unlike my peers. I can't stop thinking about the missed opportunities, one of which I might not be able to do at all anymore due to COVID and grad school timelines.

c) I know I cant change the past. But idk how to get over the anger/frustration/resentment I feel at them and myself because I feel like I lost 1.5 yrs of my life (so covid hasfelt like an extension). if COVID hadn't happened, I would've gotten to do those things I wanted and I wouldn't be feeling this. but bc of COVID/grad school timeline, I probably will totally miss out on those things so it's brought back anger at my parents for creating that situation in the 1st place. how do I move on? :(

+++

Okay, so I still have problems with the concept of “forgiveness,” but I have learned how to let go and move on.

Why? Because there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s gone in the past. It’s done. And holding onto it doesn’t benefit me or change anything or make it better. In fact, it makes it worse, because instead of being able to heal, I am continuously harming MYSELF by giving them a rent free home in my head. They don’t even need to be THERE for their actions to keep hurting me.

To make matters worse, holding onto it means that I can’t move on. I can’t try for better things, because I am still wanting the past to change. Which can’t happen.

Okay, so here’s the thing. The parents you have are the parents you have.

Sorry. That’s just how it is.

You may want them to be different or better or more supportive or kind or whatever, but they just freaking AREN’T. Wishing they were different isn’t going to change the past.

It’s like, imagine someone having a chocolate and a vanilla ice cream cone, and offering you the vanilla one. And saying, choose your ice cream. And you choose the chocolate... even though you are not being offered it and you can’t have it. The ice cream you have is vanilla. You may prefer or want the chocolate. You can see it and it looks delicious, but the one you get is vanilla. And here you are saying you choose chocolate. Meanwhile you can’t enjoy the imperfect vanilla, your hunger isn’t sated, and now you’ve got vanilla ice cream running down your arm. AND you’re miserable watching someone else get the chocolate. 

Your parents are the vanilla ice cream. Your resentment and anger is because you’re trying to resist the ice cream you have. You can’t move on until you choose vanilla. And frankly, it’s not just about them, either, but also about you and your choices and reactions. You say it is. Holding that resentment over your parents (and yourself) is keeping you from doing something about the situation as it is and moving on to get a better life that you can be satisfied with. All you’re doing is saying, “but I didn’t get chocolate,” and letting that vanilla make a mess of everything because you’re refusing to accept where you are.

Listen. I’m not saying you have to PUT UP with your parents and accept what they’ve done to you or your lost opportunities or whatever. But I AM saying that you have to accept what your life is, who your parents are and what happened to you before you can fix it. Before you can say you’re done with it. Before you can move on and grow from the harm of it.

Because as long as you pretend that the vanilla isn’t yours, that it’s not melting all over you, that you’re not starving for want of ice cream, that you’re not still demanding some other thing that is not and has never been yours, you can’t even get rid of the vanilla and wash up the mess.

Your parents are yours. It may suck, but they’re yours. And the life you’re living is yours, even if it’s not ideal and it’s not the one you chose on your own. And it’s not until you ACCEPT your imperfect life and work to fix it from WHERE YOU ARE, not from the fantasy of a choice you were never offered, then you’re gonna continue to feel like you were cheated and be angry and resentful.

Your parents aren’t perfect. They are flawed. They make mistakes. They make the wrong choices. They choose things for you that you would not choose for yourself. This is just how it is. And you respond in ways you wish you wouldn’t. You’re imperfect too. 

I would also like to remind you that you don’t know how things would have turned out if you HAD gotten what you wanted. The depression may have hit you anyway. Covid certainly would have happened anyway. Your opportunities may have fallen through or you may have found out they made you miserable after all. You just don’t know. You’re idealizing a situation that has remained hypothetical and refusing to work with the possible benefits of the situation you are in now. 

Listen. This is your life. These are your parents. This is the world as it is. Things went wrong. They always do. 

Now what? What are you going to do from here? 

Until you let go of not having it turn out how you wanted to, you can’t find out.

#rosy answers #life advice

[vexedtonightmares]

has ur internalized homophobia ever held you back from being yourself with female friends? like I love using cutesy endearments like lovely and my dear and I'm naturally very cuddly but I sometimes end up subconsciously avoiding that behavior because my monkey brain tells me my friends will be weirded or grossed out thinking I'm into them or something. idk you don't have to answer if you don't want to I was just noticing this big time today and I'm curious if you have any thoughts or advice

i TOTALLY understand believe me !! i’ve done dance since i was like 2 years old and dance is a very touchy feels sport in general so somehow i was able to compartmentalize that (not to mention ✨repression✨) in a way that i never really thought much about it or was worried about what other people might think because it was just so much a part of what we did but then after high school and making new friends at college and such and finally kind of fully figuring myself out (and then being out to p much all my friends in general) i’ve definitely had those moments where i get worried about how my actions are perceived vs my straight friends actions or what they’ll think if i lean up next to them on the couch instead of sitting apart and things like that and there’s always a little worried voice in the back of my head telling me to do/not do certain things so my friends or other ppl won’t think i’m into them (and then i get mad bc i’m sure none of them have ever had to worry about that sort of thing lol) and since i’m generally not a very cuddly person either when i am there’s that little panic in my head like uh oh they’re gonna be weirded out by this because they’re gonna think ur trying to get with them even if i know that’s obviously not the case 😒 so very long winded but yes i very very much understand and i hate that part of internalized homophobia so much because you don’t even realize it’s there and then it’s like hey u sure u wanna hug ur friend like that that’s kinda gay 🥴 and then the cycle repeats... as far as advice, honestly the best i can probably give is to either (if ur comfortable) talk to people- or even just one person you’re close with/trust- about how you feel because hearing someone else validate your feelings or just listen and see things from your pov kinda eases that constant pressure many lgbtq+ folks feel on the daily in regards to things like this or (and it’s a touch harder but it gets easier bit by bit) just keep doing you and acting the way you naturally do, because at the end of the day if someone has a problem with it that’s their problem, not yours, and if that’s the case maybe try to talk it through and see where things go from there. (also sorry if this is shitty advice i’m just speakin from things i’ve done to combat this sort of thing in the past but i know there’s no right answer really and sometimes that monkey brain rears it’s head again and again bc society has conditioned us to feel certain ways abt certain things even when it’s bullshit and frustrating as hell) this got way longer than intended but if u ever wanna dm or send me more asks feel free to do so because even if i’m terrible at giving advice i’m always willing to listen and give support if needed 💖💖

#asks #tw internalized homophobia #im sorry if i answered or worded anything poorly !! #but i can totally relate so feel free to talk to me abt anything anytime #💖💖

[magimagali]

wrote a longass thing abt. what’s been goin on with me. ajhfdjg it’s incredibly long-winded and personal and i dunno if it’s appropriate to even post it here but uhhmm m yeah

lately I've been giving some serious thought to what I wanna do w/ my life, and the diff possibilites and options have swirled around enough times in my head that I'm convinced just Thinking about it isn't going to get me anywhere..... but maybe writing about it will? so I'm just going to dump my thoughts here

the options I've been considering are:

a) go to an art school out of state

b) go to an in-state liberal arts college and move into the dorms

or c) live at home, the place I've lived all my life, and get my AA at a community college

going to an art school is the option that tugs at me the most, but of all of them is probably the scariest -- go figure lol

the art school I would like to go to is in Minnesota which is kinda my home away from home and also where my dad's side of the family lives, and I love that side of my fam dearly so it wouldn't be completely unfamiliar territory and I wouldn't be all alone. but it would mean moving out of my hometown and separated from the family i'm Most familiar with. that part is terrifying to me bc I'm an EXTREME homebody and family+home takes top priority in my life, no question. but bc it's so important to me it inhibits me from spreading my wings in some ways. and I know in someways I would really evolve by doing something that huge and scary and uncomfortable. but I don't know if it's really necessary to try and resist that part of me when it is... a Part of Me. being a homebody doesn't Have to be a flaw I need to try and grow out of. but it does suck to think about the opportunities I could miss out on due to the immense anxiety I feel about leaving my hometown and family.

(another art school option that I fantasize about is calarts, which would be even scarier than going to the MN school, plus the odds of me getting in are ... lmao, but it's worth mentioning. going to calarts would make me feel absolutely fulfilled and proud of myself for Once In My Life, I think. that's the most alluring thing about it.)

but art school is fucking expensive. drowning in debt after going to a school that prepares you to work in a field that is so competitive, and knowing that it's highly likely that I could only find a career by being at the right place at the right time, or finding the right connections.... it all sounds so risky and tricky and it just. aughhggh. then again that's probably true for most professions...

I also think about how art school could potentially ruin art for me. it really scares me to think about the line between work and play becoming blurred when it comes to art... art is something precious and personal and if it lost its spark as a result of it becoming my job for possibly the rest of my life, it feels like part of me would Die . like that's dramatic af but.

so... those are the things I think about when I think abt going to art school. on the other hand, I'd learn so much, and grow so much as both and artist and a person, and even if it's not perfect I just might really enjoy it. it might be the only career that would make me feel truly happy and fulfilled. i think if i were to follow my heart, art would be the thing I'd want to pursue career-wise. but the stakes feel so high.

if I went to the in-state liberal arts college, it would cost less than an art school but more than a cc, but it's much more inspiring and more conducive to personal growth than I think a cc would be -- not that a cc wouldn't help me grow at all, but just that it's an entirely different experience living at a college and immersing yourself in the community and your studies. plus, I've taken two quarters at the school already, and I know I like the people and classes. but I don't know exactly what I would want to study, is the problem. it's a nonconventional school where u build ur own interdisciplinary degree, so I would probably do some mix of psychology/art/literature or. smth. if I decided not to pursue a career in art, I can also see myself becoming a teacher, or a therapist. those both do interest me, but they don't exactly... tug me in the same way doing art profesionally does. so it feels lacking and a bit depressing in that way. but that doesn't mean they don't sound fulfilling and inspiring in other ways. and I know I can always do art as a hobby if I don't pursue it as a career, + doing it just as a hobby would also be the safest route.

moving there also really scares me bc I just don't know if I'm ready for it yet, or if I ever will be ready to move out of my mom's house tbh. I Have to move out eventually though, so it's like... there's no point in waiting until I'm ready if that feeling of being ready and prepared never actually comes. I should just go for it. and the fact that I'm so scared of living in a college an hour away from my mom's house makes the idea of going to an art school out of state feel like an impossible feat.

but it's like, doing those things that feel impossible and terrifying would do more to help me grow and evolve than anything else. and it's like, the more ambitious and drastic the choice I make is, the more. Valid I feel, the more I feel successful I feel and therefore just. worth something. I want to make myself and my family proud, even though my parents just don't roll that way at all-- they genuinely just want me to be happy. my siblings put more pressure on me than anyone else to go to college, get a job, get a house etc all the Adult things, and they don't actually put all that much pressure on me beyond judging me when I tell them I'm taking a break from school and just. visiting once in a blue moon, judging my lifestyle when it doesn't adhere to their standards, then completely forgetting abt my whole deal and what I'm doing w/ my life to focus on their own once they leave. and their expectations for me are really just projections of their own expectations for themselves, and their priorities and goals and. everything. they're just so different from me. but despite all that, their approval of me means So Much to me and guides my decisions, and when it doesn't, it's their voices in the back of my head telling me what a loser and failure I am for not following their version of a successful path.

anyway. the last option is to go to a community college and get my aa, since I can't figure out what I want to do for sure yet, and I'd rather go to school than do nothing at all (even tho I'm working on trying to open an art shop thing, but it's just not fulfilling enough...). going to a community college would be the cheapest, safest, most comfortable option. but it doesn't exactly inspire me... and i think some people upon finding out that's what I decided to do would be really doubtful, and might even try to talk me out of it, or just be generally really unimpressed and cynical abt it.

and i think i just. put entirely too much stock into other what other ppl think. but i have no idea how to silence other ppl's voices and opinions and listen to my own. i have NOOOo freaking clue to just trust my gut and follow my heart. it's all too clouded up in there with other ppl's expectations and fears of being judged or criticized.

i just. really want to feel like the decisions i make on my own, w/ my own best interest in mind, are supported. but it feels like they're only supported on strict conditions w/ some people. my parents are unconditionally supportive... to a point...... they're skeptical of me going to art school bc of how expensive it is. when i've talked to them abt it, i haven't left the convo feeling encouraged. they're just as scared as i am abt the money part.

i fucking hate money . i hate. capitalism. that's prob dumb of me to say bc i know next to nothing abt it but like. i hate this system i was forced into and all of its peripheries and i hate thinking the education system is probably more interested in shaping me to better fit into capitalist society than it is in actually helping me learn and grow as an individual. i don't know if that's necessarily true... and like, teachers are amazing and can be so passionate, and it's not like school doesn't help you learn and grow -- that's. literally what it's for?? but. ghjgrhhhg i don't have the energy to explain but i'm just Mad abt capitalism

i want to go to school bc. i want to learn, and it's a way for me to connect with a whole community of ppl, and it just opens up a lot of opportunities and makes me feel like I'm really Living. but like. it's scary to go when i'm not sure what exactly it is i want to do. it's scary to go to a regular college and feel bad abt not going to an art school, and it's scary to go to an art school and possibly lose my passion for it and also be crazy poor, and everything is just. scary. and i'm only fuckin 20 but i feel so urgently that i need to hurry up and do something. and i don 't. KNOWWW. WHAT TO DOOOO so i think really hard abt it desperately trying to find a conclusion i'm happy with, but i second-guess and talk myself out of every decision before i can make it, and nothing feels satisfying, and i feel unsure and helpless all the time, and i don't know what i want or what would be best for me, and i can't get help from anyone bc these are decisions I need to make On My Own but  i fucking don't know howwwww

and i just feel so lost and alone and frightened and frustrated and exhausted and lazy and weak and cowardly and. everything is hard

#prob delete later #lol the way i opened this it sounds like i'm gonna talk abt really emotionally vulnerable stuff but Mostly i'm just a struggling millennial #upd8: writing abt it brought me next to no newfound clarity on anything but it was. kind a comforting to get it off my chest at least #FUUUUCK SORRY I forgot readmores don't work on mobile 💦💦

[neonstatic]

(transcripted convo)

i’m reposting a discussion i had w a terf. i previously posted screenshots but she messaged me and said she didn’t want her url or avatar displayed. editing the pics to post them again was hell so i’m posting a script instead (i learned my lesson tumblr: you suck). if anyone ends up finding the convo and thus the redacted speaker... idc. this is a public website and we technically had this convo in public - the notes of a post aren’t private spaces afaik. i’m posting this as proof that sometimes calmly reasoning with ppl lead to nothing. (i know anyone could say the same but lmao leave me alone.)

tw for transphobia/transmisogyny 

[redacted] (speaking to a transmasc discourser about the "woman path"): Ok let me explain what I mean :) if your experience was totally different then thats fine :) im 24 and when I was little i was encouraged to play with dolls and learn 'motherly things' like playing with baby dolls while my brother played with toy trucks. There was a lot of pressure at school to wear dresses, and be sweet and polite. @[transmasc discourser] then of course, learning to deal with periods and the shame and taboo around them. Removing body hair because its considered unladylike. Etc

@[transmasc discourser] have you had none of those experiences?

neonbaebae: these are all common experiences for women bc of gender roles/stereotypes but none of that defines womanhood as an identity.

[redacted]: completely agree they are gender roles. But menstruation isnt a gender role. Its a frustrating part of being female. But that said, what IS womanhood then?

(rest under cut)

neonbaebae: menstruation is a biological function that is in no way exclusive to female bodies. remember intersex ppl, who come in all forms and shapes. women aren't all the same and it's likewise for men. there are intersex women who don't fit all the criteria for being "female" yet still identify as women. there is a distinction to make between womanhood as an experience and womanhood as an identity.

the woman experience is what you've described. the woman identity is feeling like one, e.g.: liking female-coded clothes, makeup, hairstyles, feeling comfortable in the societal role of being a woman. identity is essentially abt self perception most of the time

[redacted]: intersex is unique and I respect that not all womens bodies are the same. Intersexuality is complex but it doesnt represent the majority of biological women. I dont have a strong baclground in intersex knowledge so I'm certainly not gonna speak on behalf of intersex women. so if identity is self perception (which I completely agree with) how can a biological man self perceive his femaleness.if he's never experienced it?

neonbaebae: trans women never identify with being male and all in entails. and they can see, thru watching women counterparts and how they interact with the world around them, that they id more w the idea of womanhood and much less w the idea of manhood. it's esp why dysphoria often settles around puberty bc the dissonance manifests physically and that's harder to handle

[redacted]: but what youre talking about is what trans women see women do.  If thats what someone aspires to, its a very basic and narrow understanding of  what womanhood is. Its only what they see. And people are far more complex than this. Does a biological male aspire to periods stigma, beauty conformity and lesser social stance in the world? Or do they aspire to femininity? Something many biological women dont feel comfortable with

neonbaebae: womanhood as an identity is a feeling that is strengthened by a disconnection to manhood, its polar opposite. someone who completely rejects the idea of being man is likely to prefer being a woman (not always but likely!). many trans women do aspire to femininity and it has nothing to do with the cis women who are uncomfortable w it, just like there are many cis women who embrace it too.

many trans women cannot quite explain their transition in another way than "being a man felt wrong but being a woman feels right and authentic to my true self". i'd suggest to ask an actual trans woman for her pov tho since i'm not one, i'm just basing myself on what i've heard them say

[redacted]: but feeling disconnected with manhood (which is understandable and gender roles are frustrating) doesnt make someone the opposite of a man. As society we need to open our understanding of gender expression. But this isnt the same as thinking 'if I dont feel like a conventional man or connect with male social expectations, then I must be the opposite'. Theres no logic in that

we live in a world where gender stereotype binaries are considered natural, and people who dont fit this understandably feel marginalised. In fact Id argue to a greater or lesser degree, none of us truly fit the prescribed gender binary.

but i find it problematic when a man thinks they're a woman based on what they think 'woman' is.

neonbaebae: you're right in saying that a disconnection from manhood doesn't make someone a woman - a connection to womanhood does. it has v little to do with the upbringing of women which you seem to define thru misogyny and menstruation alone which is frankly a pessimistic view of womanhood. it's less not feeling like a conventional man and more not feeling like a man At All. tru it doesn't sound logical but gender is not logical it's abstract and complex

it seems problematic bc one might think men would gain smth from iding as women but stats show that trans women are at higher risk of assault for being out and open, both of bc of misogyny (not directly related to having a vagina or menstruating after all) & transphobia. it's esp telling that trans men aren't targeted as much. do you disagree w trans men as well?

[redacted]: but as a women i dont connect with womanhood. Lol i am a women. It would be nice to think we live in a world where women are equal, but that's not the world we live in. Womanhood is hard. And we do live under a patriarchal society that's cultivated female inferiority over many centuries. We're still negotiating freedoms today.

Its not about gaining or loss. Its about the male right to self define womanhood on their terms, without the biological or social conditioning. In fact, many have recieved MALE conditioning as children. This comes with its own privileges.

I think transmale is a very different experience so no I categorise them very differently to transwomen

neonbaebae: "as a woman" you say. even if the experiences and stereotypes don't fit you perfectly, even if you reject it, you still id as a woman. you feel like one and you suffer the consequences of being one. believe it or not trans women suffer from iding as a woman as well and thrice as harshly. i can provide sources if you want.

trans women don't think like men bc they feel like women. the thought patterns are different. they don't digest the social messages abt men bc their mind doesn't relate to it. male entitlement and all doesn't apply to them. and in sociology alone womanhood is often defined as more than a biological or upbringing thing. it's a social identity and trans women have a right to it if they don't id and reject manhood altogether

my question tho was do you think trans men aren't men either cus otherwise that'd be hypocritical

[redacted]: my point is its not an identity. Its a reality. Im a woman. I have xx chromosomes and the world treats me as such. Similar to my race. I dont identify as my race, i am treated as the world sees me.

male entitlement does apply. Statistically baby boys are fed for longer than baby girls. And little girls are left to cry for longer than baby boys. Little girls learn many motherly caretaker roles while many of their male counterparts are encouraged to conquer the world. Children are raised by gender. Even subconsciously. I can also provide sources :)

there are many more male leaders and men in authoritive positions in the world. Women fight very hard for the same respect, but womens voices are less valued. It takes no genius to see men have greater standing in the world

about transmen. No I dont consider them men but I'll respectfully use the pronouns anyone prefers, male or female. Its common decency.

I think society needs to get more comfortable with non confirmative gender expression

neonboobear: but it is an identity. that's why there's a distinction between sex (bio) and gender (identity & expression). if it would feel wrong for you to be called a man or nonbinary then that'd be bc you don't id as such. (also there are women with chromosomes other than xx maybe you should avoid phrasing it that way.) i id as my race but race has v different roots & impact than gender historically and it cannot be compared. let's stick with gender.

and i'm not denying gendered socialization but it doesn't shape a child more than their personal feelings on their identity, which can differ v early in life bc (some) would rather engage in activities associated with the opposite gender for example. if it were that simple trans ppl wouldn't go at lengths to "play the part"

you're right society does need to accept gender non conformance but that's v different from the trans experience. i rly think you should have a deep conversation with a trans person to try and see their pov

[redacted]: if womanhood is an identity, it totally invalidates what it means to be female. And yes its arguable that there're are women who arent xx but how about the majority of the population that are. Must we pander to the few at the expense of the majority? also what makes you assume I dont talk to trans people? Critique doesnt mean lack of empathy.

Children and gendered socialization is complex. Maybe if 'feminine' activities werent coded as female and just 'childhood play' we wouldnt have the same degree of dysphoria. It goes back to the irrational logic, 'if I like the pink toy section then I must be a girl.'

neonboobear: i'm afraid that is your pov for the ideology that womanhood is an experience but also an identity is considered a v valid theory in the science field. the fact that there are women with chromosomes other than xx is proof alone that xx chromosomes aren't what makes a woman. and i've suggested a deep conversation and an intention to Understand the Other. not just a talk. i said nothing abt empathy.

there would be less dysphoria but i'm sure it's still be there. many think the abolition of gender would solve everything but i doubt so

[redacted]: i have a close mtf friend and we have the debate constantly. We don't always agree with her but there's a lot more common ground then you might expect :) Gender roles damn us all. Hmmmm... abolition of gender is impossible but theres is a lot that can be done to challenge gender expectations. But not an easy battle! neonbaebae: i mean this with the least offense okay but i sincerely think neither of you should be friends. i’m black and i’d never befriend a racist. that’s a lack of self respect on her part and a plain lack of respect on yours. 

i’d like to end this conversation here. i’ve said my point and i’d only repeat myself by continuing. and since i’m not a trans woman i don’t want to misinterpret them (so sorry if i’ve already did. trans girls feel free to bring up clarifications). might sound tedious but i strongly suggest you watch this 50-min long video essay by youtuber contrapoints. her vids are informative and entertaining and so v easy to digest despite the length. i’ve heard she’s not v liked in terf circles but it’s worth it to listen to what she has to say as a trans women.

#transphobia #transmisogyny #convo transcript #long post #anti terf

[kyunsies]

Hi mädch!!! I'm sending this after you said goodnight haha, but I'm glad you got to sleep early today :) you deserve a good night's rest!!!

I will definitely send you pictures of our plants soon so be on the look out for that 👀👀

About being a musician, I do have a degree in music and I studied for four and a half difficult terrible years to get it 🥲 but it was good, truthfully. It was difficult simply because college is hard. Listening to musical elements in mx or Mozart or soundtracks or t swift or literally any song isn't any harder or easier than another. Just different! Different layerings, sections, sounds, timbres, etc. It's very satisfying to be able to pick out sounds and point them out to my sister and maybe explain them a little bit! And I'll check out those shinee react video suggestions, I already know don't call me, so it'll be fun to watch that one!

I think it's really interesting that I've heard mx refer to All About Luv as a "US album" rather than an "English album". It might not mean anything, but more countries than just the US speak English, y'know? So it feels.. intentional? Anyway I will spare you from the extensive (and I mean super extensive) length of thoughts I'm having about their English songs vs Korean and just say a little bit skdjsh

From a musical stand point, Secrets (English song on a Korean album) is objectively just as or more simple than Middle of the Night (English song on the English album) or Sorry I'm Not Sorry (Korean song on a Korean album). Middle of the Night has lovely vocal harmonies and is very active rhythmically and has a lot of different textures. Secrets is just three chords, with a simple melody (a wonderful lovely simple melody), and a decent amount of clear layers with an acoustic feel with drums/guitar/bass/synths/sax/backing vocal ad libs, all of which are pretty active voices. Whereas Sorry I'm Not Sorry is so smooth and has such a chill vibe, with significantly less layers than Secrets (though just as clear) - it's just guitar and vocals at the beginning, and then some very simple drums and bass layer in, and a little bit of keys too (with some sweeet vocal harmonies in the second half that will melt my heart every time!!), but it's all very gentle. And then BEASTMODE (to stay on Fatal Love) has a much heavier feel (ALSO with some sweet harmonies in the opening "ohs" which are so so strong, and won't melt hearts in the same way the harmonies in Sorry I'm Not Sorry do), as well as stylistically different sections with a lot of different musical elements! Sorry I'm Not Sorry is just like.. one style the whole time, which they do beautifully!!! So like, there's already so much variety within albums, and within their entire discography! It makes being a monbebe so... rewarding and satisfying. Like, it feels like there's something here for everyone.

If you got through all that you deserve an award, it's a lot hsksjslsk I could go on and on and on about music, but I'll stop here for now haha. I'm considering doing a series of posts on my blog where I talk about music, but I'm a little nervous to go through with it 😅😅 my sister thinks it'd be awesome, but I'm not super confident to put myself out there like that hehe... we'll see...

Anyway long message!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I haven't told you lately, but talking to you is so so so nice 💖💖 I don't feel any pressure to say things or not say things, I can just.. chat freely! I feel so warm and loved when I read your replies 🥰🥰🥰 thank you for being such a wonderful sweet lovely amazing nice friendly superstar of a person 💖💖💖💖 dkbtho

HI PLS APOLOGIZE I TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS LKFDSJ but i'm finally getting to it, thank u for being patent with me <3 i've been getting good sleep ever since finishing those exams and getting back a good grade on that massive assignment yesterday so THANK U for checking in :)

about your education !!!! it just seems so hard ;____; like obviously when u are in a specific field for so long, the terminology makes sense bc you use it all the time (like how now one really knows what i'm talking about when i use medical terms lol) so i guess just from and outside perspective it looks hard !!! plus we were taught how to learn the basics of music reading in high school bc i was in choir for 1 semester and i was sooooo bad at it, it never really clicked for me ;_____; but i really look up to you for dedicating your livelihood for something you love !!! you seem to be very knowledgeable <3

and i know what you mean about them referring to all of their english stuff to 'US' stuff and i can understand how frustrating that might be bc there are many countries that speak english as well, not just the US ,,,,,,,,, to me it might just be bc their whole "english team" is from the US and everyone who works on their stuff is from the US, also i think the record label is from the US ? so maybe they're just so used to referring it that way bc those are the ppl they work with ya know? but i totally understand how isolating that must feel for a lot of other ppl, i can't really talk that much on it since i'm from the US myself lol but i totally get it and i think it's very valid if it irks some ppl !!!!

and ldskfjslkdjf i loved reading all of this <3 and i really agree with everything you say !!! and i'm glad u are able to pick apart the different styles for each song, for example i also think secrets is one of the more "simpler" songs on the album (not as simple as BEBE) but like, it works for me bc the sax has a nice improv at the end, and the song is pretty synth-y(?) which are elements that i like to a song lol ; you should really dig into mx's older discography tho!!!!! and although i love love love mx's new music (i think fatal love is one of their best albums) there is something that can be said about the timelessness of mx's older discography too <3 i know i've said this to you before, but one of my fav mx songs of all time is blue moon (composed by joo hehe) and like, ,,,,,,,,, i just still cannot believe that was on a DEBUT album ?????? the way it's layered and just the lofi vibes sound so sophisticated and honestly ahead of its time, and i'm not sure how much you've dove into mx already, but i would love to hear your thoughts on their previous music too <3 !!!!!!!

also you should def make that series on ur blog!!!!! i think it'll be nice for u to reflect on but also be a resource for ppl too <3 i think it's a great idea !!!!!! also , thank u so much for taking the time out of YOUR busy day to talk to me <3 it's been so lovely just chatting and im SUPER glad u feel comfortable enough to come here and spend some time with me bc it really means a lot <3 thank you !!!! and i hope u have had a great day today okay?? take care <3

#asks #dkbtho #THIS WAS ALSO LONG LOL

[babiewonho]

thoughts on shownu nd wonho

[audio of calebcity’s anime villain laugh bass boosted plays] WOW….amira u truly want me dead askfjaskfj wow…Hyung Line…i’ll start with mister wonho bc that’s where my brain is takin me   Buckle up!! [this is 2k words when will i die]

my favorite fake maknae…mister babie..something i find very unique abt him is even tho he was supposed to be the leader   he also has a lot of youthful naive charm that matches more of a Follower type of personality. like while we saw him be a leader in no mercy, and he did an excellent job esp with gun being covered up for his lack of dancing skill, i think that is a very unnatural state of being for him, and he exerts an unfortunate amount of energy trying to lead others. he has the skills necessary but i think he overextends himself to employ them. his natural state of being is more of a follower in that that’s where he’s more comfortable. he stresses too much about keeping everybody happy at once and takes too much responsibility. he’s naturally a workaholic and sacrifices his health for the sake of work. 

so honestly i’m really glad he didnt end up being the leader and i’ll get more into leder shownu later :D but i take it as a blessing that he’s allowed to take more of a backseat and speak up when he wants to rather than always being in charge. tbh wonho is kinda Out Of It all the time and while i think if he was a leader he’d fight to stay in the moment i think he needs that time in his head to decompress. tbh it’s really funny that he cld have been the leader to me in no malicious way just bc he’s never There askfjasf like when minhyuk said he always needs to go looking for him bc he just wanders off and he’s getting coffee and he’s like what :D and he needs extra explanations and stuff all the time and minhyuk n the others need to direct him in what he’s doing all the time. 

that’s why i said the fake maknae thing bc in many ways he has a really youthful kind of innocence to him like just a silly child. like when ck took the glass away from him at the awards show so he wouldnt break it kasfjsa and then the bottle   like a big brother would do  and wonho was like :/ okay…and wiping his tears. we rly see a shift from him as a Hyung to someone who the others end up taking care of in a very natural way. there’s a big reverse dynamic there, in particular with him and changkyun. which is rly interesting! changkyun kind of steps up to be more mature in situations with him. it’s really cute…

when i think of wonho in the position of a hyung, i think it’s in a non traditional way. when i think of him i think of light blue and him being a Healer. he is a big reminder to stay in touch with your emotions and feel them. at the taiwan concert…i believe at least! that it was that one…when everyone was holding back their tears wonho was like just cry!! to hw in particular he said that there were a ton of people there to hug him and support him when he cried so he should just do it so he didn’t regret it later, and he has a very nurturing heart. he makes this one face…it’s like a mix of a pout n a sad smile?? when he pities another member…it’s a very gentle and empathic facial expression…i’m not used to seeing men make that face. 

so i think he DOES offer a form of guidance/wisdom as an older member but it’s not in a structural way if that makes sense like minhyuk saying “walk over here” or ordering them around it’s like a Healing presence..a calm spirit to offer Peace and Serenity. being in touch with his emotions i feel also creates an openness within the group where they feel better about expressing themselves, at the very least bc they cld use him as a scapegoat, which i dont think he’d mind. like wonho cried first!!!

part of his openness with his emotions is what makes him seem childish not in an unlikable way but rather…like he never got that Hard adult shell that makes people fear expressing themselves and their true thoughts. when he is happy he is brightly adorably happy he’s literally :DD just delighted and that brings out protective instincts in those who are around him which is another part of why he’s a fake maknae 2 me…he gets teased like everyone else but i dont think anybody cld have the heart 2 be mean to him his eyes are just too sparklie…also his LAUGH…is so loud and genuine and beautiful and it makes me feel such joy and it makes the others happy too  nothing is really funny to me until wonho laughs that’s like the official comedy stamp his :D smile n HAHAHAHA laugh  n his wheeze

he’s also really stubborn like a child which i find endearing but i know cld be frustrating sometimes but i find it funny askfjas he’s a baby…he asks for opinions n then doesnt care bc he already made his mind LMAO

he is also!! just so so full of LOVE. his heart is so big…he loves his family and monbebes and his members and he’s so transparent about it and it’s absolutely precious. he radiates love and puts a very beautiful calming blue energy into the world and everything about him is very gentle like body language wise. he speaks very softly even though he’s Loud sometimes the words come out soft if that makes sense. the way they are pronounced in spite of volume. he doesn’t spit out words and i think that’s kind of why he stutters so much they’re so soft n undefined they blend into each other. they need more shape…but he also holds things gently and doesn’t exert a lot of pressure in his fingertips. he’s very cautious and not aggressive and is not prone to anger, though he can get frustrated.

i really thank him for his honesty with fans abt how he’s feeling etc bc i think it creates a very nice friend like relationship. he rly cares abt keeping up updated and it’s so precious i feel genuinely cared for lmao…i literally take care of myself sometimes bc of his tweets like dont forget to eat etc and that’s so special

there’s more things i cant think of right now but u know…i cld happily do this forever but MISTER SHOWNU…ur time to shine (forever…)

NOW…shownu is the official leader which is also unique because nothing about shownu besides perhaps his powerful body commands Leadership our eyes are drawn to him because of this quiet power he exudes but he doesn’t have that dominant personality type in fact i find him a very passive person he’s not fussy at all and seems to value group harmony over his own personal feelings

i think sometimes being a leader is burdensome to him for the reason that he has more of a quiet let things happen personality but that’s what’s interesting. the members don’t respect him because he Commands their attention. they follow him instead rather bc they just respect him and Know he’s the leader. 

even though leadership doesn’t come naturally to him in the traditional sense and minhyuk often assists or does more tradition leader things and has to remind him to speak, he has a whole different form of leadership where he’s quiet but when he Does say something everyone just respects it and doesn’t question it. i feel ppl follow him out of respect and affection rather than anything like intimidation if that makes sense. they just look up to him and admire him and respect his wishes. 

he was a leader during no mercy and ppl followed him without question mostly. he’s really good at having a friendly personality but still making sure people focus during dance practice. ppl might think this form of passive leadership is bad but i think there’s no need for him to interject generally bc mx flows very well with their dynamic and doesn’t need to get adjusted much. he also imo has kihyun and minhyuk as co-leaders which happened naturally and not out of his inability to lead efficiently, so i think if he’s lacking in any way, they’re there to cover that up and i think this also helps remove stress from him.

shownu is also just so likable!! on running man they said when ppl dont talk much, strangely you want to pay more attention to them and i think that’s happened to shownu his whole life. people are watching him without knowing and then when he speaks they’re so pleasantly surprised because he’s so funny and most of it is said in such a flat way, like deadpan humor. he’s a comedy genius because what he says is so unexpected most of the time but also so powerful. if shownu said like…”legs” i’d pee myself laughing bc something abt him is so fucking funny and endearing and goofy and HIS laugh itself makes me laugh too like …he invented comedy lmfao he’s absolutely not boring that’s a misunderstanding of his personality  he definitely needs to get comfortable somewhere before his real personality is revealed but he’s gotten a lot better at that which is why he’s been advancing through variety and im so proud of him for that and impressed

also adding to him being so endearing the members just genuinely adore him and i think when he went to law of the jungle a taxi took him to the location and ck said to the cab driver “take care of him/drive safely” which is very sweet and just shows like the Depth of their affection for him. everything he does the members just find so cool and funny and endearing and he brings them a lot of happiness

he’s also such a good fit for the group because he’s so CHILL like minhyuk cld be gnawing jooheon’s leg off while wonho fights changkyun over a piece of shrimp and hyungwon is getting dusted by kihyun and shownu’s like :) i love my family and HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH LMAO like he genuinely adores his members and you can feel that too like not even just things like him giving up lines (hw in beautiful) or splitting his commercial earnings among his team which he didnt even want kh to say but he imagines himself doing things with them in the future like going on trips and he really sees them as his friends/family rather than coworkers and it’s so lovely and beautiful he’s just so goddamn fond of them lol

also hyung line with each OTHER is so precious bc wonho is rly like a little happy kid around shownu n shownu is so calm n chill and wonho is like :DD hello!!! n shownu pretends he doesnt care asjfsafj  it’s so funny wonho is just going around hoping for shownu’s love like he said in that fansign note n shownu ignores him n teases him asfkjasf it’s so cute when shownu teases it’s so funny it rly shows just how fond he is and shownu always laughs when wonho laughs and humors him?? and by humors him i mean wonho babbles a lot n makes little silly side comments and if shownu is within hearing distance he always tries to reply to those and he makes wonho giggle and it’s precious and he listens and shownu just really Understands the member’s personalities like when he said he likes when mh talks a lot etc he understands them and just doesn’t want them to change bc he loves the way they are like i kno that sounds fake deep but it’s true…

wonho is just so cute…n youthful around shownu i love the dynamic it’s amazing how similar they are in age like a year apart n yet wonho seems so young around him and shownu just teases him n theyve known each other for a long time n are so comfortable with each other n they work out together like…we love strong muscle men with hearts of gold …also this is just random but wonho pronounces “shownu” so cute n also i love hearing shownu say hoseokie like it’s just adorable shownu always calls the memebrs by their real names n fogets to say the stage ones like   who is even calling changkyun “I.M.” at this point   who is that….

#asks #analysis

[tessaractwasp]

1-140 question meme

wait you want me to do all of them?? Ok I guess (that actually makes me kinda happy lol)

3 Fears losing people, never getting away from home, and that everyone hates me

3 things I love music, reading, writing

2 turns on intelligence, muscular, socialism

2 turns off misogyny, speech impediments, capitalism

My best friend @queercedricdiggory​   

Sexual orientation not sure tbh. Maybe pan? Maybe lesbian? Who can say. Not me.

How tall am I 5′ 2 3/4″

What do I miss right now my friend Shannon who doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore

Favourite color purple

Do I have a crush yes

Favourite place nature. there’s a brook in the woods at the bottom of the hill I live on. its magical.

What am I listening to right now my spotify playlist “A Very Specific Mood Brought To You By Probably Non-Lesbian Lesbian Icons” currently Mitski’s “A Horse Named Cold Air”

Shoe size 6.5 usually

Eye color cockroach brown

Hair color brown/black (ft hidden rainbow)

Meaning behind my URL oh god I was like 15 when I made it so tesseract from the first avengers but tessaract bc my name is tessa, and wasp bc she was my favorite marvel character. 

Favourite song favorite song????? uuuuuhhhhhhhhhh right now probably Mitski’s “Pink in the Night”

Favourite band pdofjsodifjolikdsjf uhm IDK my top artists rn are Mitski, Hozier and Florence + The Machine

How I feel right now frustrated.

Someone I love @azirahell​

My current relationship status single and READY to flaMINGLE

My relationship with my parents hahahahahahahah better than most I guess. But strained af atm

Favourite season SPRING

Tattoos and piercing i have navel and ear piercings

Tattoos and piercing i want WAY more ear piercings, I wanna get that custom “constellation piercing” thing but $$$$ also tattoos for each of my immediate family members (so far a turtle and elephant on opposite ankles, a power symbol on the back of my neck probably, an origami rose on one tricep, a wolf silhouette on the other)

The reasons I joined Tumblr fandom probably? and peer pressure. thx nadia

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? only when Im actively texting someone when we go to bed

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? I dont know have you? (Im kidding, I think I have tho)

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? depends on where Im going. Anywhere from 5 mins to like 1.5 hrs lmao. But on average, probably 20 mins

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? I haven’t shaved my legs in the past three years

Where am I right now? My living room

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOUD

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yes

Am I excited for anything? not really atm

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? if by sex you mean gender then yes

How often do I wear a fake smile? lmao all the fuckin time

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? wow uuhhhhhhh I dont know! maybe Lana Parrilla lmao idk honestly!

What do I think about most? how much i suck lmfao

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? I guess behind, but I dont mind being in front

What was the last lie I told? oh god Im taking care of my little siblings i have no idea

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? depends on the person but usually video chatting

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? no, yes

Do I believe in magic? not really

Do I believe in luck? depends on the day

What’s the weather like right now? warm. It’s almost 80, but its getting dark out so it feels nice.

What was the last book I’ve read? rn Im in the middle of Scythe by Neal Shusterman (bc hes putting my name in the third book in the series!!)

Do I have any nicknames? Tess, T, T-Cake, Tessticle

Do I spend money or save it? SPEND lmao

Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

Favourite animal? hmmm I guess dog

What was I doing last night at 12 AM? lying on the couch on tumblr

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? oh boy idk

What is my favorite word? people have favorite words?

My top 5 blogs on tumblr bruh idk I dont pay attention to anything

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? be fucking decent already

Do I have any relatives in jail? not at the moment that Im aware of

What is my current desktop picture? Thranduil Tauriel and Legolas lol

Had sex? depends on ur definition

Bought condoms? GLOW IN THE DARK

Gotten pregnant? nope

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

Had job? yes

Smoked weed? yes

Smoked cigarettes? no

Drank alcohol? yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no

Been overweight? technically I think? But not really

Been underweight? yes

Gotten my heart broken? yes

Been to prom? yes

Been in airplane? well yea but I was 4 so I dont remember it so I dont count it

Learned another language? bruh i tried

Wore make up? yes

Dyed my hair? yes

Had a surgery? yes

Met someone famous? yes

Stalked someone on a social network? who hasnt??

Been fishing? yeah but I dont really remember it

Been rejected by a crush? yes

What do I want for birthday? Idk dude thats so far away

Do I like my handwriting? sometimes

Where do I want to live when older? i have no idea

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? never snuck out but yeah Ive been caught doing “anything bad”

What I’m really bad at everything lmao. Sports I guess

What my greatest achievments are my writing probably

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me one time when I was like 14 my mom and I were arguing and she told me it wouldnt be long before I was selling myself on the streets of new york

What I’d do if I won in a lottery ugh pay off my debt and buy a few of the things i want the most

What do I like about myself hairrr

My closest Tumblr friend like tumblr-only? probably leakedinlondon bc shes the only person ive ever talked to on tumblr lmao

Any question you’d like? what

Are you outgoing or shy? yes

What kind of people are you attracted to? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ femme wlw mostly i guess???

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? no but i wish

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? no

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my friend Kate who lives in AZ now :(

What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Yeah I just did, nothing yet”

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Mitski, “Nobody” Florence + The Machine, “Grace” Hozier, “Wasteland, Baby” Mitski, “Pink in the Night” Mitski, “Strawberry Blond” in no particular order

Do you like it when people play with your hair? YESS

Do you think there is life on other planets? yes

Do you like bubble baths? yes but has tiny tub :(

Do you like your neighbors? i dont really know most of them but the ones I do, yeah for the most part

Where would you like to travel? All over the place, but Cuba more than anything

Favorite part of your daily routine? cuddling w my doogggggg

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? muffin toppp

What do you do when you wake up? try to go back to sleep

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? yes

Do you ever want to get married? idk maybe

If your hair long enough for a pony tail? lmao yea????

Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yea

What are your favorite stores to shop in? theres this little like toy store but it has so many funny or adult things that I love. Its called Play

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? not everyone

Do you smile at strangers? usually

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? only in my dreams (like literally, I dont want ppl to know what I did in my dreams)

Ever wished you were someone else? always

Favourite makeup brand? dont have one

Last thing you ate? chicken and pasta

Ever won a competition? For what? yeah, a writing competition

Ever been in love? i dont know

Facebook or Twitter? facebook

Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

Are you watching tv right now? no

What colour are your towels? purple

Favourite ice cream flavour? cookies and cream

First person you talked to today? my lil brother Ben

Last person you talked to today? talking to both my lil sibs rn

Name a person you hate? fucking CHRIS

Name a person you love? Rebecca <3 ( @parkour-margaret)

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? chris always

Do you tan a lot? BURNN

Have any pets? FOUR

Do you type fast? relatively yeah

Do you regret anything from your past? OH yeah

Ever broken someone’s heart? idk

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? YUP

Is cheating ever okay? it really depends on the situation but 98% of the time no

Do you believe in true love? yeah.  but not just one. everyone can have more than one

What your zodiac sign? aries

Do you believe in ghosts? this question was already asked? no

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “‘Never mind, do not weep,’ answered the frog, ‘I can help you, but”

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

#msg in a bottle #cass charts #idk what i want my ask tag to be

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

honestly idk i have a fucked up jealousy of gay and/or otherwise “gender-non-comforming” dudes bc like well one i just kind of wish my body was more like that, or that it’d been born like that, bc the things i envy the most are things i can’t really get from surgery like...i don’t mind my downstairs situation either way really. boobs are hit and miss but i can get a good binder in the future and have titties whenever i want yknow so i dont really wanna go through the trouble of surgery there even though they do cause dysphoria bc its off and on yknow..... but like i wish i was like built like not curvy which is weird bc looking at pics of myself im like mmm thats my best feature huh....ive got like a crazy hourglass goin on. and like. god actually idk i like my hips but its just so?? “feminine??” like i wish i could keep my body how it is and wear whatever i want and be recognized as Not A Cis Girl so i envy guys that are confident enough to do ““““feminine”“““““ shit and be recognized as androgynous/etc/etc/etc bc even the stuff i could do like im too....scared lol

a few times ive been like fuck.......i wanna grow my facial hair. i love that beard+makeup look and i hate having to keep up w shaving my face lol...but i know that it would just be like “ew that girl really needs to shave her mustache” and not “wow........What A Look” yknow lolhair is so weird bc i like my hairy ass body but i also like shave hair that anyone is going to see bc i don’t want them to see me as a weird unkempt cis girl and its frustrating. so like i get freaked out making sure i aint hairy bc Beauty Standards i guess but at the same time im like haha im exclusively doing this for other ppl and i hate it.....lmao.....

and my hair like, on my head, is weird for a few reasons. i like having it long bc i can play with it and dye it w/o having to bleach and this is dumb but since long hair is an important thing in “””my””” (with tentative quotes) culture i feel guilt thinking about cutting it.....but thats just another thing where im like god damn it i could do this and not be bothered abt it if i was read as a cis dude in the first place,,,,,it would help me be read as Not-Cis instead of pushing farther on the “what?? how can you be trans u have long hair and big titties?” lol

a lot of androgynous clothing looks shit on me bc of my body type or its just like not my style so there’s no point in me wearing it....like....

and ive contemplated going on T but like thats so,,,,,complicated,,,,like for one this shit is hard bc i am NOT a trans guy and i feel like all of my options are like.....options for trans guys?? idk if that makes any sense. thats such a complicated feeling to try to explain but like looking at T and binders and thinking about what i could do sometimes just makes it even worse bc im like no im not a guy i just,,,,,,,,,,ughh!!!!!! same with voice stuff its just kind of like ;;@~ looking at like “FTM Voice Training 101″ bc thats not me yknow its. its and i get too worked up over it lol and its probably really confusing bc im like “ughghgh this would all be so much easier if i’d been ‘‘‘‘‘‘‘born a cis dude’‘‘‘‘‘ but btw im not a boy” lol. also i hate. language. and T like..........ggg T....if i hypothetically went on it i’d have to wait until i was like. definitely less scared. and definately not living in the state i live in bc they’d like never prescribe it to me and im not gonna lie about being a man to try to make it easier to prescribe i just can’t....and like from what i understand testosterone like: changes ur voice which is good, increases hair which ok, and does weird shit 2 ur clitoris which idk if im really lookin for but like i wouldn’t be pissed abt it i wonder if you can take like a middle ground amount of hormones. can i even out my levels lol. what would that do even. i would definitely enjoy not having periods but even my vagina/uterus isn’t really that big of a deal for me? i get upset about having periods or the idea of being pregnant for Gender Reasons more than i do with having those organs in general. but even than its like. Sometimes. with that its more that i am in very large amounts of pain so that would be like a happy side effect and also i wouldn’t be Sometimes dysphoric abt it. my face is weird bc half of it is just that i hate myself and my face and body bc im ugly and hate myself but the other have is like “haha what????????? im trapped in hell and this is wrong :)” so like there’s things i just don’t Like about how i look but then theres just a general like,,,this would be an ok face for someone else but its not mine. but its really really hard to like pick out whats specifically wrong its just??? wrong. but again in a way that like...it doesn’t have to be wrong, but its wrong bc i know its not gonna be read as anything other than a Cis Girl Face and that makes me feel really really really really uncomfortable. but like lmao imagine me with a better face and like fullon beard but still on my Petite Curvy Body....idk if i like the idea of that or not honestly lol but i don’t know what to do about Any Of It like fuckkkk

also like with my brother i feel more pressures i guess to be a girl so my parents have to “deal with” less lmao which is so dumb but i..........idk. i feel that way a lot. so yeah idk I Want And Need Some Changes But Idk What To Realistically Do Or Even Look Forward To Doing. And It Is. Ass.

[peachyrue]

tw for literally everything

i’m big and i feel like i need to rant abt why i age regress so here i go.

i always felt loads of pressure to do well as a kid bc i was pretty bright and i was always top of my class. it wasn’t that my parents directly told me to put pressure on myself per se but they certainly made their expectations clear in regards to my work; they wanted me to study hard. as a result of this, i felt like i had to be mature and act older than i was. by the age of 8 i’d read jane eyre fgs. i used to stress so much abt working hard that i forgot to relax and just be a kid.

after i left primary school, it only got worse. the workload got larger and i had way more homework than ever before. plus, there was now added pressures — i started to get insecure abt my body and quickly became bulimic. by the age of 11 i was making myself throw up on a regular basis. then came the self harm. it started with digging my nails into my palms when i got anxious and soon developed into cutting. i’d slice into my thighs and hope the fat would melt away. it was around this time that i started feeling symptoms of anxiety; i’d get panic attacks and often feel trapped and suffocated in lessons. it was becoming harder and harder for me to focus on studying bc i was so consumed by negative thoughts.

when i was 12, i went to my first concert. it was somewhere shady, somewhere i definitely shouldn’t have been but i was there with an older friend so i figured it’d be fine. after the band finished the set, i went to the toilets whilst my friend waited in the bar area and i was confronted with an older man. i tried to get past him to get to the women’s but he stood in front of me and blocked the way. he tried to grab my shirt but i moved backwards out of the way so he pulled me to the side into an alcove kind of place and shoved me against the wall. i wanted to scream but all i could do was cry. he touched me all over as i tried to get the words out to tell him to stop. he left me there when more ppl started to come near where we were and i just broke down on the floor in the middle of some dodgy club.

my friend eventually found me and took me home and i told her what happened, i trusted her with that information. turns out that i shouldn’t have bc i had a petty argument with them and they told all of our mutual friends what had happened, twisting the story to paint me as someone who slept around.

my self harm peaked after that and i was cutting almost every day. when i was around 14, i started burning myself too. i’d heat up coins or other little metal objects with a lighter and press them onto my skin in an attempt to feel anything other than numbness. my bulimia was worse than ever and i was gaining and losing weight at an alarming rate. after i got molested, i started washing excessively (which i still have issues with). to this day, i have to have 2 showers and a bath every single day just to keep me from having a breakdown.

my grades were suffering and my parents were getting frustrated that i wasn’t meeting deadlines so i buried myself in work again, my sole focus studying. my friendships were deteriorating and i had a string of boyfriends that i quickly broke up with. this did nothing to help my reputation as a slut.

it was also around this time that i started questioning my sexuality. it wasn’t that i was homophobic towards others but i never imagined that i would be anything other than straight. ig i just repressed it so much that it almost disappeared. my dad’s side of the family is rlly homophobic and many of them didn’t take it well when i came out and most of them still don’t know bc it wouldn’t be safe for me to tell them. my parents were rlly understanding and i introduced them to my girlfriend at the time. i had just started therapy at this point and i was starting to get better. then the emotional manipulation and gaslighting started. she made me feel worthless and disgusting and i started to injure myself again. she’d cause arguments and then say it was all my fault and i believed her. i believed her for so long. until one day i didn’t anymore.

that’s why i age regress. it’s so i don’t have to be reminded of all the shit that’s in my mind: the things i’d rather forget ever happened, the things i wish never had.