#// thanks for the patience yall ive been working hard to get this done but im a full time student with a job so . Hard .....

[flowerinyourcare]

Reminiscence of the Unfinished Wine - Chapter 9

🍷 September seasonal permanent event; banner characters Shylock, Murr, Bradley; 2022/09/11 - 2022/09/19 JST 🍷

--

[Location: Bacchus vineyards, day]

Murr: As evidenced by the fact that Calamity Wine is harmless, then while the Great Calamity's influence is extensive, it's not super serious. 

Murr: If all of us cast purification magic on the vineyard, it should be a breeze to clear up!

Akira: Really?!

Rutile: That's fantastic! Then, let's not waste time…!

The air was abuzz with anticipation, and Bradley caught Bacchus's eye with a piercing gaze.

Bradley: We'll be purifyin' the corruption, but don't get yer hopes up for much more.

Bradley: Got it?

Bacchus: … It doesn't matter. Please, just do it.

The wizards all raised their hands towards the affected fields.

Shylock: Then, let's begin.

Shylock: Inviebelle.

Bacchus joined the other wizards facing the fields, and they all followed Shylock's lead.

Murr: Eanyu Rambul!

Bradley: Adnopotensum.

Faust: Satillquinart Mullcreed.

Nero: Adnodus Omnis.

Oz: Vox Nox.

Arthur: Pernoctant Nixzo.

Rutile: Orotnik Setomaouge!

A gust of wind swirled up from the ground and tore through the vineyard. The vines swayed in the wind, then started to shine with bright white light.

When the wind settled, all the lush, fruit-bearing grapevines from mere moments ago had vanished.

Oz: The purification is done.

Just as Murr said, the Great Calamity's influence hadn't been too difficult to remove. But despite that, nobody could celebrate.

Akira: The fields…

Faust & Nero: ………

The field before us was desolate. 

It was as though the Calamity had frozen time to preserve the endless harvest, and with the successful purification of its influence, time had moved ahead all at once. Vines withered, branches snapped and littered the ground, and the whole field became overgrown with weeds.

Shylock: Because of the Great Calamity's influence, the crops did not need tending for quite a while.

Shylock: Now that the abnormal fertility has been cleansed from the fields, they have simply returned to their natural state.

Rutile: So that's the end of it… Such an important vineyard…

Arthur: …….

Akira: (And right after Mr. Bacchus had rediscovered his motivation to make wine…)

Everyone's gazes gathered on Mr. Bacchus. 

To be faced with the devastated remains of his fields - it must be heartbreaking. Of course everyone was worried about him.

However…

Bacchus: I'll just have to start over from scratch, then. Now's a good opportunity to revise my approach.

Bacchus: I'll adjust the composition of the soil, and find improved fertilizer. Oh, and it's a good idea to look into starting new grape varieties!

Bacchus showed no signs of feeling hopeless. In fact, he was glowing with excitement.

He was brimming with idea after idea about how to improve his fields, making plans with the enthusiasm of a daydreaming child.

Bacchus: …Ah, I'm just so excited. A wizard's life is long, but I still feel like it isn't enough.

Bacchus: There are still so many things I want to try -- so many challenges I need to overcome if I want to improve my winemaking.

Bacchus: With this fresh start, I will definitely surpass Bennett wine!

Shylock: Hm, I look forward to seeing it.

Mr. Bacchus faced the vineyard. Today, his gaze fell on barren fields, but his words shone with enthusiasm for what awaited him in the future.

His grape-colored eyes were no longer dull nor hollow. Now they shone like a vibrant, juicy fruit - full to bursting with beloved passion.

[location: Bacchus's wine cellar]

With the field's abnormality cleansed, the rest of the post-festival cleanup went smoothly.

Then, Bacchus invited us back to his wine cellar.

Arthur: This really is a stunning amount of wine. There's so much of it…

Rutile: And to think Mr. Bacchus made every bit of it…!

Barrels of wine from many different eras were packed into the cellar.

This was a testament to a man who had dedicated his entire life to wine. It was almost overwhelming to see such a large cellar packed to the brim with many, many years of his efforts.

Bacchus: I've been storing things here for hundreds of years. The long-term storage is maintained with magic, so everything is preserved perfectly. That's pretty much the only involvement magic has in my winemaking process. 

Bacchus: Other than that, I don't use magic at all. If you take shortcuts to cut out labor or time, the wine will taste rushed and lazy.

Nero: I feel that. 'm pretty picky about that kinda thing, too.

Mr. Bacchus guided us through the wine cellar, and we followed him down the long aisle.

Bacchus: As you can see, the barrels are all in chronological order. And though some of the barrels might look the same, they're all crafted with slightly different materials, not to mention a lot of ingenuity.

Bacchus: Once it has aged enough, the wines are bottled. That means that whatever barrels I keep in here are my own archived reserves.

Bacchus: Younger wines are closer to the entrance, and the further back you go, the older the wines are. This area is around… four hundred years old.

Akira: Eh, four hundred years…?

Faust: This wine is as old as I am…

We looked over the crowded shelves of wine barrels in wonder. Suddenly, Oz's eyes landed on one barrel, and he stopped.

Oz: ……

Arthur: Master Oz, is everything okay? …Huh, this wine barrel has some sort of special mark on it, doesn't it?

The barrel had a big red "X" slashed across it in red paint. Mr. Bacchus grimaced awkwardly.

Bacchus: Um, that one is -- Listen, I had a surge of childish inspiration. I decided to ignore my usual process and make something totally different.

Shylock: Fufu. The wines from that year were certainly unlike any other.

Bacchus: Not another word out of you! It was terrible, and that's the end of it. Gaahh! Just remembering it is so humiliating…!

Akira: (I get the feeling that's a dark time in his history…)

Bacchus: Don't worry about it, okay? Here. Each of you, please take a glass.

Bacchus's magic floated a wine glass in front of each of us. It was a simple, casual glass, like the ones that were used at the harvest festival wine tastings.

Once everyone had received a glass, Mr. Bacchus smiled and clapped his hands together.

Bacchus: Now we get to the fun part! Help yourself to whatever you'd like. All-you-can-drink wine, from any year you want!

Murr: Yahoo! An open bar!

Bradley: Aren't you a generous fella? Well, if ya insist, then it would be rude not to.

Faust: For real? That's quite a big-shot move…

Bacchus: It's a small price to pay. You reminded me of why I love winemaking, and renewed my passion for wine. Consider it my thanks.

Nero: This is kind of crazy. I never thought the day would come where I'd have unlimited access to Bacchus wine.

Rutile: Thank you so much, Mr. Bacchus!

Bacchus: Don't be shy - help yourself to as much as you'd like. And for those who don't drink alcohol, we have grape juice as well. There are a couple excellent varieties - ones that are only served on special occasions.

Akira: Wow, they sound delicious…! I would love to try them all.

Arthur: If Bacchus made it, then the grape juice should be just as exceptional as the wine. 

Bacchus: …Oh, and there's some Calamity Wine left, too. If you're curious, I guess you could try a bit.

Bradley: Wow, y'sure lost yer sparkle real quick there.

Nero: Well, you can't really blame him…

At Mr. Bacchus's insistence, we all took our glasses and decided to enjoy the feast of wine to our heart's content.

Rutile: Where should I even start? Even if I only have a small glass of each, I don't know how I'll be able to try all of them - there's just so much!

Bradley: Oi, South big bro. Let's pick up where we left off on our li'l drinking competition from earlier. Y'know, since I didn't get the chance to whoop your ass properly.

Rutile: Okay, that sounds like fun! But since this wine is so fancy, let's take our time and savor it properly. Bradley: Agreed. It's too good to waste by chuggin' it like a madman.

--

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

#mhyktl #mahoyaku translation #mahoyaku tl #promise of wizard #mahoutsukai no yakusoku #// event #// shylock #// ohhh my god so many cute moments in here. especially nerofau being moe #// also im so so so in love with bachcus sorry. hes very sweet. i love westies #// thanks for the patience yall ive been working hard to get this done but im a full time student with a job so . Hard ..... #// almost done!! ganba !!! #// look forward to the murr card story as well !!!

[chef-alta]

update! im alive!!

HEY MY LOVELIES, MISSED YALL <3

im finally done my last exam for the semester!! and i am...exhausted xDD but im still alive!! this had been a pretty crazy term, but i thank God for getting me through it, especially after all of the health stuff, personal family chaos, etc. that arose.

ive still been feeling pretty sick, but i'll get through it as best I can ^^; i still might be a little bit in and out on here for the first couple days back, but i'll try to have my blog more regularly updated by this weekend, just in time for the holidays! i even have some art ive been working on that i'd love to share with you guys, since ive been working hard to improve with drawing for the past few months.

thank you all for your patience, support, and kind messages <3 even if i couldn't respond regularly, i appreciate every single one of yall, you guys are still very dear to my heart and i thank the Lord that i can be your friends ^-^

also i'll try to get to all of the tag games and posts as soon as i can! :D

#milk tea spills some tea #updates #thank you guys so much its good to be back <33 #ive literally been staring at all of your sweet messages for the past twenty hours now #do u ever just cry bc you love your friends so much ??? i do #pls pray for me tho im still kinda sick q.q #my health has not been nice to me lately x'D

[bangtangalicious]

re: Death Valley, another posting delay bc im the literal worsttttttt and suck but we been knew ig

writing ending chapters is super hard because theres a lot of explaining that has to happen and a lot of action/confrontation and both of those things make it kinda dry

also its like. this is it. you know? like after this death valley will be o v e e r. so i keep getting in my head about whether its a good enough last chapter.

rn its too....sporadic. like i dont want it to be choppy but i have to shove in a bunch of flashbacks in order for things to click and???? yall. ive never done this shit before aight. but i sure as fuck am gonna figure it out and do my best.

content wise, its done. like the ending i know what it is like everything is written. just the language itself, the way i tell the story could be better. i just need it to be more cohesive & flow so. i need more time. i need to do it justice and cant half ass it. its just not...hitting right. theres something more there and i just cant reach it rn.

im sorryyyyyyyy. i know ive been flaky. i know i posted a diff fic and broke the posting schedule. please bear with me. dv means a lot to me and i want it to be the best it can be not only for your enjoyment but also so i can sleep at night with no regrets lmaooooooo. your support and patience means the world, i wouldn't want to give you anything less than the very best of me. your time is valuable, i would never want you to waste it on something subpar.

i know its annoying. trust me. i feel you. but i cant post what i have now it just wouldnt work.

I WILL POST IT SOON, i swear. im so sorry. thank you for your patience. i know its been two weeks :,)

#id hate me too its ok #this story deserves a BANGIN ending #and its there i just need it to #come together right #yeah #im sorry

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

#ily<3 #long post

[egoiistas]

I feel like I need to get this off my chest because the more time passes, the more the anxiety builds for me…its kinda like a communication to yall but writing out this out for me as well.

Obv may i feel isn’t finishing by the original date we wanted it to. 

I suggested it as a cool lil thing to attempt to get everything wrapped up bc we are so close to the end, relative to where we were five, six chapters ago etc. ana has her really cool, awesome irl things going on and i have personal issues im working so hard to fix. Problems that have been put on the wayside while i fixed up the rest that was lacking. So once i managed to get the peripheral issues in order, the only thing that was left was my neglected mental health. Its so fucked i went to a therapist for the first time last week and on paper, my life is so in order. Ive gotten it all together, i’ve worked hard to get where i am, and yet my brain is telling me its not enough amongst other things. Its so rude.

writing has lost a lot of its magic for me too it hurts that it has because ive been writing terribly as a hobby for so long. Ten years i think. It’ll come back, it always does, but it sucks bc may i feel was meant to strengthen this very thing - a stamina project basically. But what i need to also understand is that its a hobby and hobbies can be picked up and put down, and that’s okay. It doesnt undo the work ana and i have planned or the other marvelous work we’ve done, or the wonderfully kind people who read us along the way. 

All that to say that, no, its not on hiatus. It’ll just take some more time so i can contribute my best work. Thanks (again) for your patience <3 

On a lighter unrelated note, i stan loona now and yall are SO lucky i havent flooded your dash with gifs because I DESPERATELY have wanted to. 

But i wont. 

xx muah

#hey hey yoohoo #tldr - you cant trust me on my word for deadlines

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

#ive been low on online conversational executive functioning and online existing forever #but im working on it #ill be around the corner soon #i have a month left of school tho #and then im done and moving on #and have time for me #ily guys #thank you.