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petalsrdead · 3 years

Text

TOO LATE

characters/pairing: koshi sugawara x gender neutral reader

word count: 1,467

summary: you’ve always struggled with yourself, koshi has always tried to make it better, but he isn’t god.

warnings: TRIGGERING CONTENT AHEAD, su!c!de, mentions of past self-harm, depression, taking life via p!lls, crying, self-hatred, a su!c!de note is left and read

a/n: this is my piece for @impalawrites no happy endings collab. you can find all the other pieces here. please read the warnings before continuing with this work and if you feel this will trigger you, please do not read. as someone who has struggled with most of the following topics mentioned in this work, I felt I could write about it for this collab. remember that if you’re struggling there is always someone there for you. here is the link to opencounseling.com where they have a list of emergency numbers and suicide hotline numbers by country.

Koshi Sugawara was nothing but good to you as your boyfriend. He took care of you when those bad days came, those days where you couldn’t leave your bed. Those days where you only wanted to lay under the covers and let your mind wander into darkness. He did the best he could, especially as an elementary school teacher with a constant workload.

He took you to therapy, made sure you took your meds, and made sure you were journaling your thoughts. He was always hoping that someday, you’d get better. That you’d be able to get a job again, hang out with your friends, and more importantly, that a genuine smile would return to your features. That smile that he hasn’t seen since senior year of high school, where you ran onto the court to kiss him after Karasuno High defeated Shiratorizawa.

Koshi just wanted to heal your broken pieces, kiss those scars that littered your skin, wipe your tears, and make you know you’re worth it. Unfortunately, Koshi isn’t God.

He rises at five in the morning, as he always does to get ready for a day at the classroom. Usually you’re asleep when his internal alarm clock goes off, but today you’re staring at him with the usual pain in your eyes. Koshi’s brows furrow and he immediately pulls you into his lap, wrapping his arms around you and peppering kisses all over your cheeks.

“What are you doing up so early angel?” he whispers against your forehead.

“Wanted to see you off today…” you murmur softly.

He pulls away to look at your expression. “Angel… Do you need me to call in today? Is it bad today?”

You shake your head, forcing up a smile at your significant other. “I’m okay Suga… You have an important lesson today anyways, there’s no need to worry about me.”

Koshi very obviously doesn’t believe you, watching as your false smile instantly falls from your lips. You can feel the burning in your throat from holding back your tears, the heat rushing to your cheeks, and the tears forming in your eyes.

“(y/n)... if it’s bad you need to tell me. That lesson can be pushed off until you’re better.” he reaches to grab his phone off the nightstand, going to dial the principal’s cell phone to let him know he’d be using a sick day, but you take his phone and turn the screen off.

“Koshi. I’m fine, really…” you cup his cheeks, staring into those beautiful hazel eyes of his.

For a moment, he actually believes you, which was the biggest mistake he could have made, but he didn’t know that at that point. He smiles at you, pressing a deep kiss to your lips. Your eyes drift closed as you kiss him back, wanting the warmth of his lips to stay on yours forever, but you know what’s coming later today, as much as you know it will hurt him, it will also be better in the end… right?

Koshi moves you from his lap and dresses himself in a button up shirt, khaki’s and his loafers. When he’s dressed, you rise from the comfort of the bed to hug him tightly. “I love you Koshi… Always and forever…”

He holds you close to his chest and rests his chin atop your head. “I love you too (y/n). I’ll come visit during lunch okay?”

You nod, removing yourself from his embrace and climbing back under the covers. Before he leaves, he tucks you in, pressing another kiss to your forehead.

--------------------------

The pit in his stomach doesn’t go away until he can finally head to the principal’s office during lunch. His planned lesson was completed first thing in the morning, and his students understood the materials quite well.

He bows when entering the office. “Good afternoon sir. I’ll be back at my apartment for lunch today. My partner needs me.”

The principal nods. “If you need to stay Sugawara, just send me a text and I’ll find coverage for your class.”

Koshi nods and bows again, practically sprinting to his car to race home. Any God that would listen, he was murmuring too, asking that you would be okay.

His concern escalated when you read all of his texts and never responded.

He throws open the door of your home and races inside, his phone with the Japanese emergency number already open. “Angel?!” he yells out, peeking in every room until he finds you.

You’re lying on the bathroom floor, pill bottle open and some scattered on the floor. You’re slightly conscious, head lolling around and groans escaping your lips. Koshi feels the tears seep from his eyes and he screams.

“Baby!!! What have you done?!” His finger hits the call button and he falls to the floor, holding you in his arms.

“C’mon angel!! Stay with me okay?!” He sobs, trying to open your mouth to get you to throw up the pills, but you won’t budge. He yells out again, screaming your name and trying and trying to get you to stay with him.

The operator is yelling questions at Koshi, but he can’t hear them over his screams and the ringing in his ears. You fall limp in his arms, your breathing slowing to a stop. He screams again, laying you on the floor and immediately starting cpr.

“Don’t you die on me angel! Don’t leave me!!!” he sobs out, the pain in his voice evident, sounding like daggers entering the skin and the ears.

He doesn’t even realize there’s police and paramedics there until he’s dragged away from your body, kicking and screaming as you disappear from his view.

---------------------

You didn’t make it and you weren’t able to be revived. The news shattered the man you loved, bile rising from his throat and seeping from his lips. He sobs again, screaming out those pained screams again. He doesn’t care who sees him or what they think. The memories of you and your voice rise in his mind and he can’t breathe. He sees you on your first date, the dress you wore covering most of your scars from the past attempts, and how Koshi pushed up the sleeves to kiss your wrists.

“I know I can’t completely heal you, but I want to at least be able to keep your pieces glued together…” he had whispered against the marks.

Entering your shared home after losing you was a pain he will never forget. He sat on your side of the bed and breathed in your scent. He wore your oversized sweaters to feel like it was you wrapped around him. When your family came to get your things, he was able to keep select items; your favorite sweatpants and sweater, which he had been wearing for weeks at that point, and your most recent journal. He read that book as if it was his new mantra, desperate to cling to every last one of your thoughts.

The last entry was practically a suicide note. He couldn’t help but reread the words written on the pages over and over. He wasn’t going to stop until it gave him some type of closure, or some type of explanation for why you took your life.

This will be my last entry, I’m sorry to say… I’ve been fighting a war within myself for so many years now. The scars that litter my body are enough proof of that. Every single battle during this war has been won by myself, with truces in between, but it’s time to throw in the towel. To mom and dad, I’m sorry I couldn’t win and I’m sorry for all of the pain I put you through. I wish I could have been a better child, one without this constant war in my mind, but it’s just what was meant to be. I wish I could have gotten better and I’m sorry I couldn’t. To Koshi, I can’t even explain how much you’ve kept me glued together, just like you said you would on our first date. I hope you never lose the kindness and compassion you’ve always had in your heart, it’s one of my favorite qualities about you. I hope you never forget that you are the reason I fought as long as I have. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the partner who you spent the rest of your life with, or the partner that didn’t cause you problems on a daily basis, or the partner you didn’t always have to rush home and worry about. I hope you find someone that fills the void I know I will leave in your heart, and that your soul heals well from this loss. I love you Koshi Sugawara. Always and forever… (y/n y/l/n)

#cw: mental health #cw: suicide #cw: depression #cw: self harm #haikyuu!!#haikyu #haikyuu #haikyuu!#haikyu!#haikyu x reader #haikyū!!#sugawara koshi #koshi sugawara #koushi sugawara #sugawara kōshi #petalsrdeadworks #[🎀] — calamity’s works #[🌺] — calamity’s collab pieces #[🍊] — haikyuu!!

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