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blueheartedmayor · 5 years

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OOC:

A very personal event happened last night, so I’ll likely be sparse in patches tomorrow and Wednesday. I’ll try working on replies, but I’ll probably make a queue with this low activity in mind.

The read-more is entirely unrelated, but I had started writing it before I left an hour ago. You don’t need to read it. It’s just something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while. There’s no need to read it. It’s literally a wall of unedited rambling. :D

I hate to admit it, but I’ve been really frustrated about the blog lately. Well, not ‘lately’. It’s been lingering for some time now. And honestly, it’s no one’s fault but my own.

Not having the official canon be the main story in the default verse is great - it opens things up to more interactions, allows Damien to meet people he never should meet in this modern day setting, and allows me to explore a future with him - but it has its own problems. His only canon (obviously) is W.KM. Taking that away... It leaves me with nothing. It’s not like Wilf, my constant source of personal comparison, who has little to work with and yet loads of flexibility. There is that trace of worry that he’s just an OC with a canon character’s name and identity. At least to me there isn’t that much that makes Damien Damien, a matter that could just be because I’m so used to writing him; or an uncertainty because I’ve never developed relationships with canon characters from the series (disclaimer: this isn’t saying any friendships formed with DAs aren’t valid, but they just lack sufficient foundation, if that makes sense).

Twice in the last two months I’ve spoken privately to friends about a character development plot, something to work on to give the blog some sort of drive. Twice the ideas blew up in my face when I tried developing them through conversation - there wasn’t enough to work with, the idea doesn’t make sense, it’s something not worth dedicating everything to, etc. I don’t have this problem with any other character I’ve ever written, yet it’s a constant niggling in the back of my mind with Damien. I think I’m just so convinced I need to do well that not having some sort of problem is a bad thing.

But... There is one other thing. Again, I have no one to blame about this but myself. I’ve mentioned it to a few friends over the entire year of having this blog, but this is the first time I’m addressing it in public.

For nearly the entire year and a bit of running this blog, I’ve wanted it to be a multi-ship one. Damien (as I write him) is a hopeless romantic. Even with the commitments of work, he’d do well in that sort of thing. But a few bad moments at the start of the blog have messed me up ever since. I hate that I look at every single new person who wants to write with me and my immediate thought is ‘are they here just for a ship?’. I hate how one moment where one muse kissed mine (thus revealing romantic intentions) without any sort of warning thanks to an ask meme has made me so wary about reblogging such things in case someone else takes advantage of it. I hate that one time myself and another basically played match-maker to make a ship that.... Didn’t really work on hindsight.

I mean, there aren’t many active ships here at all, and yet I feel like I’m letting them slip away here because of this stupid worry that someone will see a chance and pounce. So then part of me thinks that I should restrict who I ship with (such as people I know, or are friendly with)... But then I start wondering if people will get close to achieve their ultimate agenda.

Damien nearly got added to a collection in the early days of the blog. It was small, insignificant, and I bet that mun moved on to others without a care in the world... But it stuck with me. What if that’s all some people view Damien as - someone they want to ship with because they liked the character? It’s the first time I had to deal with this sorta thing since other muses weren’t shippable in the same way, and I guess I haven’t been handling it well.

TL;DR

Ash is frustrated over petty things that no one but her notices on the blog:

She sucks at plot. There’s no need to have a problem that needs to be solved, yet she’s stressing that there needs to be one or else people will think Damien’s a Gary Stu or some sort of impossible perfection.

Shipping isn’t a priority on this blog and yet it’s been the cause of endless, unnecessary stress because it’s all based on stuff that happened within the first two months of setting up the blog.

#Just the Assistant (OOC)#(in which Ash wears her heart on her sleeve)#(likely fuelled by recent IRL event)

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somecrazylads-a-blog · 7 years

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UNDERUSED CHARACTER QUESTIONS

Tagged by: @haebxtna omg thanks, love! This meme is awesome omg. Long, difficult, but awesome. Difficult because I can never stop talking about this guy. Tagging: @dcmnation (suffer with me, unless this is easy, then don’t suffer, be my guest, tis for Canon), @pvlchritudine (Karen? :3) @intergalacticxmisfits (Nala? If that’s okay? :3) @fallenupcn (Lance! c:) @jejublues (Hanbin if it’s okay!) please don’t feel pressured to do this if you don’t want to! :D Also, I should have tagged more, but I’m all over the place

Tagger chose: Patrick (Fenris, Vanagandr, Hróðvitnir, you name it).

INTRODUCTION

NAME: Patrick Finch AGE: 29 PICTURE/GIF OF YOUR MUSE:

Have a look at these. Important where he crosses his arms over his chest, where he wears multiple layers and the ones where he looks wary. Although the smiley cute ones are very important too, like, wolf pup eyes, next level puppy eyes, I tell ya. (Also: his eyebrows speak for him)

WHAT WOULD BE THEIR TWITTER NAME? WHAT SOR TS OF TWEETS WOULD THEY TWEET?

Patrick isn’t the type to be on any sort of social media and neither does he spend a lot of time on the internet, preferring to use it only for movie or TV series watching. He isn’t very technological. So if he ever were to make a Twitter account for whatever reason, it would be Shawn (his closest companion) to set up everything for him. And what does that mean? That means that his Twitter name would be something ridiculous and adorkable like @wolfy_popsicle. In fact, it would definitely be that. He would rarely go on Twitter, if at all, and wouldn’t take the time to Tweet anything original. He’d follow some accounts with topics that interest him, or others just to be up to date with enormous events, especially regarding his home country and his father’s company. It would be a source of information for him, rather than amusement. Or entertainment. And he wouldn’t be social. His tweets would be re-tweets. If he’d tweet at all.

WHAT’S THEIR FAVORITE GENRE OF MOVIES? OF MUSIC?

When it comes to movies he likes those genres that are easy to follow. Watching movies for him is a form of relaxing, especially if he’s watching it with someone else. He wants to sit back and enjoy a simple yet possibly unique and fascinating plot. While he usually likes challenging things, he at least in media wishes to relax a little. His mind is always at work, mulling over things for an unnecessary amount of time, and he absolutely hates being alone with the voices in his head. So when he has to pick a movie it’s one where he doesn’t have to use his brain too much, where he can welcome the inevitable plot twist and follow along easily. With music, it’s similar in a way that he uses it to get rid of the silence that would make him unwillingly retreat back into his own mind. He needs music that isn’t too invading, that doesn’t break through things or destroy his eardrums. He prefers soft and calming tunes, songs that he can tell are personal, that tell a message and maybe even one he can relate to. While he would listen to some rock or harder stuff occasionally, it’s just when he’s putting it as a background while he’s with people and doing something. When he’s by himself, he listens to things that fit his mood, and don’t stress him out.

WHAT’S ON THEIR TOP QUEUE ON NETFLIX?

Same as with movies, although he prefers series with more intricated plots. He likes to watch mystery and suspense, series that will keep him on edge and eager to wait for the next episode. He likes also those that make the characters question morals and the ones that show lots of psychological aspects to certain situations. He also seems to like watching war shows? Since those hold those concepts (psychological aspects and questioning of morals and ethic) and also feature realistic action and quite a few reality checks. M*A*S*H, basically. Is M*A*S*H on Netflix? Man, I don’t have Netflix. I don’t like watching things in Italian, and Netflix is location based.

WHAT’S THEIR FAVORITE SCENT? DO THEY SMELL LIKE THAT?

He likes scents that make him relax, that put him in that state of mind where he’s in tune with the world and feels nothing and everything all at once. It’s easier to say which he doesn’t like, actually: strong chemicals, hormones, overly sweet, the really strong ones. He likes soft scents, those that humans only notice if a breeze brings it to their noses. He... I don’t think I can tell you what he smells like. Sometimes he wears Someone Else’s clothes so he smells a little like him. He never wears cologne or perfumes because it bothers his nose. Artificial smells bother him a lot. He smells a little like... ash. Maybe a bit like smoke. And like the forests of Jotunheimr. I think his natural scent is a way to detect him in his lives. Although, each life does have a distinct human part thrown into the mix that is Fenris, so it may vary.

APPLE OR ANDROID?

Patrick really doesn’t care. He barely owns a phone. The only reason he has it is because there are some who he needs to be always available for. When he knows for sure that those people won’t call him, he turns it off. But, for the record, he owns an iPhone.

FAVORITE SEASON? LEAST FAVORITE SEASON?

Patrick doesn’t like wearing t-shirts or light things. He prefers multiple layers of clothing and covering himself up as much as possible. He likes the snow and he likes to bury his nose in his scarf, the feeling of it reminding him a bit of fur. He likes gloves because they symbolise a lot about him and he likes hiding his hands in his pockets. He likes it warm and cosy, drinking warm drinks and cuddling under some blankets while the world seems to be in a bit of a daze. He likes winter, where everything is cold and pale but so very soft. When it gets darker earlier and unpleasant truths are hidden away better.

He hates summer because it’s too bright, too hot, too revealing. He can’t hide in summer, watching the sun outside while staying locked inside will make him go mad, and he doesn’t handle the heat very well.

ARE THEY A BOTTOM, TOP OR VERSATILE?

I would say Patrick is versatile. He’s generally a very versatile man not only when it comes to sex or relationships. First of all, neither of those are things which Patrick actively thinks about or wants, so when it comes down to it he’s open for whatever as long as the chemistry fits. Or as long as he can get it over it as soon as possible. He’s a very neutral fella or tries to be, at least. He wants to stay out of things and he always stands off to the sidelines, literally and figuratively. So if he does end up getting involved deeply with someone he is as dominant or submissive as fits. Say, with someone who submits to him he’ll happily take the lead if the other party feels safer that way. Although, he tends to not get involved with people who don’t challenge him enough, and give in too easily. If he starts something with someone who expects him to submit, they’ll have a real hard time making that happen, because Patrick will do just about anything to butt heads in a way that will be very obvious about his intentions. If they want him to submit, then they should earn his submission.

So, yeah. Versatile. With a slight tendency towards bottom because he doesn’t fight for relationships, to begin with, so if the other party is dominant and assertive enough to get him to fight for it, he’ll most likely not be up for anything. Does that make sense?

DESCRIBE THEIR MORNING ROUTINE. DO THEY WAKE UP EARLY OR SLEEP IN? DO THEY PRESS THE SNOOZE BUTTON A BUNCH OF TIMES OR DO THEY IMMEDIATELY GET UP?

Patrick may or may not have a light (or not light) case of insomnia. He usually goes to bed very late because he’s a night owl and then he falls asleep even later. So he should be sleeping in, especially because he doesn’t have any obligations that would force him to wake up early, but he doesn’t. Patrick always wakes up early. He’s much more restless than he lets on, and that part of him can be seen in literally every single one of his habits, in every part of him. He wakes up early and curses himself for doing so, but he’s resigned himself to it. He takes a few minutes to go through his mental waking-up routine, which includes listing all the things he needs to remind himself of, for that day and his life. Sometimes if he’s had particularly vivid dreams regarding his past lives he has to remind himself who he is right now and that may last a few minutes. Then he goes through his schedule for the day and he gets up. Getting dressed is a slow process because he’s tired in more ways than one. If he’s sleeping over at Shawn’s place, the mythical horse will try to get him to eat more than just a piece of toast.

So basically, wake up early, spend the first couple minutes organising his thoughts and coming back to reality, get dressed real slowly, and then go get breakfast. After he’s drunken a cup of water first.

#;ooc #[The Wolf];Musings #[ This took me ages it was so long and I have so much to say about him omg #[ It's been sitting in my drafts for a bit so here goes

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failure-never-blogs · 7 years

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The Ghosts of Poems Past

I posted a new poems guys. You can find it here http://failure-never-blogs.tumblr.com/post/158013237664/the-ghost-of-you I would read it before moving any further into this post.

I’m really bad about taking time to sit down and type stuff up for here. Even my idea of giving commentary for poems has kinda fallen by the wayside as most of the time I don’t find anything that interesting to say about it for the most part, I mean the reason I’m sitting down today is a poem I’ve written but that’s more of an introspective look back at the title more so than the poem itself. I guess I’ll probably write about some other things in this post as well since I’m taking the time to post a blog post instead of just a commentary. But I’m not entirely sure what it is as I’m typing this all up. But for now let’s dig into the title theme for this post.

“The Ghost of You” is a poem I first wrote a long time ago. Honestly I would say it first goes back to 2010 which looking back isn’t that long ago but for me as a writer it’s a bit back there. I mean admittedly I’ve been writing since I was 13 years old and stories even longer but nothing from when I was a teenager has stuck around so much as the idea of this poem. The very first one is a very short poem which I’ll post right now

No matter what I do I can’t escape the ghost of you The electric touch of your skin The memory will never thin

I feel your presence right beside me You’re there even if I can’t see Your voice still haunts my mind It’s so lovely and kind

I still feel your lips on mine This must be some kind of sign No matter what I do I stay lost in the ghost of you

It dates back to 8/27/2010 which is the oldest date I can find on my computer. Honestly it’s not really aged well at all. It’s something that I can place mostly due to the fact that it has rhyming which is something I only started doing in 2009/2010. It’s also incredibly short for me. I’m a bit long winded when it comes to writing anything. I see potential in some of the individual lines which is probably why I ended up revising it sometime later. But I’ll get into that in a little bit. As to what drove me to write it? Well I’m not entirely sure I want to say it probably had something to do with a girl I was fawning over at the time.

Also at the time and still to this day I’m a big fan of My Chemical Romance. Now looking back at the poem it has nothing to do thematically with the song or even anything on the album. So I’m not entirely sure what it was that led into me working on the poem. Besides this post isn’t about the poem itself so much as it’s about an evolution of the poem’s title in what I wrote and how it morphed. This poem isn’t based around loss so much as it is in missing someone who isn’t there in the present moment. It’s more about infatuation and the feeling of that moment after you leave them. Let’s move onto the second iteration.

Once again I miss your touch But as always it’s far too much I can’t forget the feel of your skin It’s a memory that will never thin

The beautiful sound of your voice Has always been my music of choice But sadly, now it’s only in my head But the sweet memory isn’t dead

No matter where I go or what I do I just can’t escape the ghost of you In my heart you will always stay I cannot just walk away

From your spirit I cannot hide To you my soul is open wide You’ve made my head your home So I guess I’m never really alone

Your presence still haunts me But your face I cannot see Inside it’s dark and cold When did you get so bold?

So where do I go from here? I don’t know why you disappeared How long should I sit and wait? Or is it already far too late?

Even now your words haunt my mind I’m trying so hard to leave you behind But your ghost stays haunting me Will you ever let me go free?

It’s nearing the break of day And your spirit won’t go away So maybe you won’t drive me mad With memories of the love we had

This version is actually one that I ended up posting a while ago. It was written 9/18/2011 from what I can tell from the original word document. I posted it on facebook in it’s old “notes” function which isn’t used anymore and was honestly pretty awful even for what is was. But I’m not here to moan about where I used to post things I’m here to chronicle things.

This one is a revision of the original that I did to make it more about loss. I realized I wasn’t a huge fan of the original and ended up rewriting it to use in a story “The Water’s Edge: Alone” which I never published or posted anywhere, I actually abandoned that story I struggled with the ending of the story and never felt that great about the story as a whole.

I guess something good came out of the struggle of that abandoned story which was that poem. Speaking of those stories I actually wrote three of them but only ever did anything with one of them. I originally only submitted one (http://failure-never-blogs.tumblr.com/post/150328547354/the-waters-edge-the-pier) to a short story contest which I won then wrote two more. The second titled “The Song” I also never published because I felt like it was to formulaic and I never felt that great about it but felt good enough to share with a couple of my friends who volunteer as test subjects for my writing sometimes. Included in that “series” of my writing was a poem called “Mourning Sunrise” (http://failure-never-blogs.tumblr.com/post/150012138849/mourning-sunrise) which I’ve actually posted here before. But yeah basically I reworked for a story that I never went back to work on and eventually only posted the poem.

How I feel about the poem is unique, I really like the poem for what it is, a rough draft of something that could have been something better if I was more talented but honestly I’m pretty okay with it. I feel like I capture some of what I was going for when I was more raw intensity more than talent or skill. It was one that I debated with myself about reworking or editing heavily or maybe even rewriting. I’m fond of it but not overly so. It is what it is but it holds a special place in my heart for what it is. I don’t think I’ll ever really rework it or publish it on my blog by itself. I think this is how it will eventually be left, an interesting footnote to me and probably to me alone in my journey as an artist.

“Ghosts”

Now let’s move a little bit closer to “now” with the next couple poems. In my google drive I have a folder simply named “Ghosts” sitting beneath my poems folder. I don’t remember exactly what it was that made me segregate the poems into there but they all deal with some of the same themes. The Poem “Nightmares” (http://failure-never-blogs.tumblr.com/post/138045238229/nightmares) is there the most recent poem I published “Ghosts in Smoke” (http://failure-never-blogs.tumblr.com/post/156714447629/ghosts-in-smoke) is in there as well.

While that is mostly fictional it’s not the only one which holds those names and it’s actually known in the drive as “Smoke” which was originally written 8-29-15 and recently posted after sitting in my drafts queue for a while. It’s an interesting poem for me that I have an attachment for in some weird way. I actually really like the way it’s written and the way it flows but it’s a very different poem from the one I'm about to talk about which actually has the name “Ghost in Smoke (Ghost of You)” in the google drive folder.

My soul is heavy tonight Staring at the candle light Tracing patterns in the smoke My heart beating in my throat

My roads as dim as the light I’m lost this early summer night I’m reaching for you hand But all that’s there is empty land

I forgot that you’re still a dream No matter how real it seemed But that doesn’t change a thing This old wound still stings

I’m still haunted by ghosts The things I regret the most For now all I can do is pray And wait for the dawn of a new day

Because I see you in the shadows Your presence is all I know You’re rooted so deep inside I can never truly hide

This is actually the older of the two poems and the vastly more personal one to me. It was written 7-16-15 and feels closer to the original title that “Smoke”. I’m not entirely sure of why I wrote what I did. I guess it was hearkening back to the death of an old relationship more than anything else. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never published it on my blog. It’s something of an interesting piece for me that part of me really likes and part of me really doesn’t. It’s an evolution for sure moving forward with idea and title of “The Ghost of You”.

What really separates the two of them is the theme, One is more of a regret of a broken relationship and the other the mourning of a lost loved one. There are aspects of both that I really like and both have stanzas and lines that I really honestly love. The first stanza of the above poem and this stanza from the linked poem “I swear I see you dancing/In the fire you’re enchanting/Floating up above the flames/where only memories remain/ I feel really nail some of what I was aiming for. A lot of the times I really write with a certain image or idea in mind and let it flow from there. Sometimes it’s even a line that really drives me to write something as in the case of some of my poems (Ashes and Embers, Willows and Reeds). Overall I’m happy with these two poems and how they ended up working out.

So why did I title both of them so similarly and confusingly? I wish I knew obviously smoke plays a very heavy theme in both of them, also a very heavy part of the poems and their settings. There are a few themes that push themselves through in my writing often and honestly a few settings. Smoke, the sea, and rain are all things that make frequent appearances. My muse is pretty apparent in that regard I suppose.

Which now brings us to the current poem that I have titled “The Ghost of You” and is what I now feel is the definitive version of the poem that holds the title. I have a hard time really talking a lot about how I feel about this one because I wrote it so recently. But the theme I really feel like nails down the title. The idea of being haunted by the memory of an old lover, one who has passed on and one who you still love really seems to hit the nail on the head. I had talked with someone recently who had lost a wife at young age and remarried sometime later. He talked about how he never really got over her and how he still loved her but also deeply loved his current wife. It was a conversation in passing with someone I’ll never see again. Those kind of conversations happen at times in my field. From a creative standpoint there are parts I’m fond of and I don’t really feel like I need to edit very much. I’ve as of this writing not shown it to anyone so I don’t know how it will be received going forward (today is 3-3-17 @ 0219) so we shall see. Until next time my friends

I’m willing to let it all go, So long as the words flow Joshua

#blog #poetry #poet #poem #short poem #fiction #ghosts

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