#‘I’d rather have a zombie that doesn’t break my shit than a child who does’

[workthatskirt]

Vent

#holy shit how did tonight get so bad #haha imagine making fun of your child for wanting therapy whilst also knowing they’re lashing out at you because of trauma #knowing this is how she would treat me if I was anything other than self destructive is mortifying #I’m so scared for my brothers all the time and I feel fucking stupid that I’m the one having a breakdown while he’s the one in danger #but I can’t bring myself to do anything while he’s getting yelled at because my body is protecting me from having it directed onto me #I hate it I used to be able to handle it and protect them but now my brain is putting a mental block so it won’t happen to me anymore #I just want to protect them from this shit #moral of the story I’m terrified to move out and also I like the derealization breakdowns way more because at least then no one is actually #in any new danger #‘I’d rather have a zombie that doesn’t break my shit than a child who does’ #I always subconsciously knew she felt that way towards us. it’s how she treats the pets. #but hearing it out loud always hurts so much more than I remember

[cloudbatcave]

As I did with Undertale, I’ll be commenting on Deltarune as I play it. Copious flippant remarks below.

Deltarune is fun. Even if I wonder why my side of the room is so very emo, and why we have so much damn pet shampoo.

Oh boy, it’s Susie! I’m sure this will go great.

(The hardboiled egg emanates a feeling of pity toward you).

Don’t you sass me.

why are you eating that

why

am I going to die as a witness now

“You didn’t see anything now, did you?”

BLIND AS A BAT, MA’AM.*

hey wow those lockers sure are close

“Let me tell you a secret.”

is it the number to the local police

“Quiet people piss me off.”

you know what pisses me off? needing rib surgery at age 12, or however old I am

“You think just because you don’t say anything, I can’t tell EXACTLY what you’re thinking?”

oh great, the purple punk crocodile is psychic, this day couldn’t get more fun

“It’s OVER! I caught Susie eating ALL the chalk!”

actually I was thinking about my ribs, you’re a terrible psychic

“This was her LAST chance! Now she’ll finally be expelled!”

you have more of a grudge against you than I do, sweetheart

“Don’t act shocked.”

That gurgling noise was actually a plea for help. Don’t stereotype me.

“Everyone’s waiting for it. Everyone wants it.”

I don’t know who Everyone is, but he does not sign my checks

“I’m done for.”

and yet, you are not the one being less than lovingly waffle-pressed into green metal

“Just, lemme say one little thing.”

is it my last will and testament?

I have to admire her talent for construing so much out of blank silence and gurgles. maybe the splintering of my ribs is a form of communication as of yet unknown to me.

“How do you feel…about losing your face?”

How Could This Happen to Me, I Made My Mistakes

“Nah”

well just roller-coaster drop my Simple Plan reference, you jackass.

“It’d be a shame to make her bury her child.”

she has a spare, and he has a nicer bed than me, I’m not sure how much I’d be missed.

It does amuse me how it doesn’t let me answer the project question.

“Your choices don’t matter.”

Neither do yours! Meta is unforgiving.

“Let’s go, freak.”

Please, Mr. Freak was my father.

“God, can you walk any slower, or what?”

I could in fact stall this entire narrative by looking over all the lockers, which I did, so yes.

hey uh what the fuck

“Is it me or is it REALLY dark in here?”

no, Susie, I too think it just got Edgy all up in this shit

I love how Kris just Backs The Fuck Up automatically.

“Why are you so scared?”

taxes!

HOW BIG IS THIS FUCKING CLOSET?

“Uhhh…kind of big for a closet, huh?”

I guess Susie IS psychic.

“I think this closet’s broken.”

What gave it away? Was it the ENDLESS VOID OF DARKNESS?

Oh, the door’s gone. Who saw that coming.

NOT ME BECAUSE I CAN’T SEE SHIT

and now I’m blue! I hope I’m not a zombie.

hey I do not trust that waving plant

“It’s too dark to see anything.”

where am I, the underground or a badly lit rave?

it’s a creepy eye! neat.

I don’t trust that blob giving off spores either.

I hope glowshard isn’t slang for toxic waste.

that looks unsettlingly like a face! I Don’t Like It.

red outlined plant: Bad Vibe

I WAS RIGHT.

oh, sorry blobs. I guess touching you kills you?

hey mysterious black flickering shape! please don’t kill me!

“Hey, don’t scare me like that, dumbass!” I offer you no apologies on account of you offered to rip my face off, chucklefuck.

“YOU got us into this mess, YOU get us out!”

I wasn’t the one eating chalk, shitcanoe.

“You walk WAY too slow.”

I’m sorry, it’s dark and I’d rather not fall off and break my neck.

“Any idea what they want?” Our corpses, apparently.

“Oh, you’re not dead. Sweet.”

It’s one of my many talents.

“Welcome, heroes…!”

Can I just be the Kris of Guy.

“I am the Prince of this Kingdom”

and I’m Thomas Sanders, nice to meet you.

“The KINGDOM OF DARKNESS.”

yes you have that in ample supply, good for you.

“There is a LEGEND in this land.”

does it involve an elevator

“foretold by time and space.”

does it foretell that you will get to the point?

“Listen to my tale…”

but I have food fantasy on my phone

I enjoy the ‘No’ option, but I’m a Nice Guy, so I hit yes.

“Banish the angel’s heaven”

what

“Uhhh…nah.”

I already like Susie (all flippant remarks are from Kris’s perspective) but this sealed it.

oh, it’s spades shit-face.

“But I, Lancer, won’t let you go there!” it’s nice to want things.

“Dunno how I got an ax, but like, that’s cool.”

concurred

“Lancer switches gears randomly to appear competent.”

I can sympathize.

oh, it’s Ralsei.

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?

WHO LEFT THIS KID HERE ALONE?

WHAT

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

okay, that’s enough for now.

*bats are not actually blind, they see well in black and white, and in one particular specimen’s case, have near perfect color vision.

#cloud plays deltarune

[trueloveforeverbeautyandthebeast]

Live Blog for Game Of Thrones 7x06 "Beyond The Wall"

# Tormund freaking Gendry out making him think that he wants to have sex with him # "smart people don't come here looking for the dead" lol Tormund has a point, this is a terrible plan # Tormund admitting Mance was wrong not to kneel repeating very similar words Dany spoke a couple of episodes ago to Jon # He was a good man, he deserved a better son :( poor Jorah, you made mistakes but you are now someone he would be proud of # poor Gendry, stands no chance arguing with the hound # Jon being a sweetheart and offering his sword to Jorah # I love Dany's northern boys bonding :) # I broke my fathers heart, your killing me Jorah :(  # "It will serve you well and your children after you" wink wink # Arya speaking about how unfair it was to be a girl in a man's world but her father was still proud of her being different, I love that # God I understand both girls, I know how much they both loved Ned and Arya would have rather died than write that letter but at the same time Sansa was manipulated into believing it was the only way to save her father from being killed so of course she wrote it # Come now Sansa I know your angry and yes the vale helped win the battle but they would of never won the battle on their own without Jon, Wun Wun, House Mormont and the Wildlings # "you never would have survived what I survived" neither girls could have survived each others situations and both suffered differently but greatly # Arya cutting to the root of Sansa's fear knowing she doesn't want the northern lords to read her letter #damn Iceland is beautiful # Gingers I hate, lol Sandor I wonder if he still thinks of Sansa # Dick I like it lol # I want to make babies with her lol # "does she want to carve you up and eat your liver" "you do know her" lol # Beric trying to convert Jon to the Lord Of Light and Jon not being interested # Excuse me Beric, are you saying Jon will never be happy because his being brought back. I hope your bloody wrong # Tyrion not happy at not being called a hero # Dany telling Tyrion she's happy his not a hero because she doesn't want him to die. Aww :) # "they all try to outdo each other, who can do the stupidest bravest thing" Dany you too are in that list lol # Haha Tyrion telling Dany all the heroes fall in love with her and Dany vemently denying it # "I suppose he stares at you longingly because his hoping for a successful military alliance" omg I love Tyrion # "his too little for me" lol Dany coming up with lame excuses to deny her feelings # "I know your brave" aww massive feels # lol Tyrion and Jamie promising to keep their girls well behaved, like they could # I'm not sure I'd call Dany impulsive, passionate maybe due to her keeping her emotions bottled up but executing the Tarly's to me was not impulsive, she didn't see another option though they could of taken the black but denied it # Tyrion trying to instruct Dany on the importance of understanding her enemies to better predict them, good advice # Yep Dany and Tyrion are most definitely going forward with breaking the wheel, I wish we knew the details # Dany lashing out after Tyrion brings up the very sensitive subject of a heir, Tyrion not realizing how much Dany yearns for a human child in her arms # god damn those polar bears are terrifying # someone bloody save Thoros! Go Jorah, poetic The bear kills the wight bear # Littlefinger you liar # Sansa stating how shit the northern lords are # "I don't know her anymore" that's sad # Jorah and Thoros talking about the siege of Pyke and Thoros doesn't even remember he was so drunk lol # hey get your hands off Jorah's throat! # Damn Jon kicking ass, killing a white walker. Your doing amazing sweetie! # wow the wildlings are like vampires, kill the sire and the underlings die # omg shut it up, it'll get others # ouch poor Sandor, at least it isn't a normal zombie otherwise he'd be doomed # Jon knowing bad shit is about to go down so he orders his new bro Gendry to write his future wife a letter to save them # Jorah being the first to realize they are on a frozen lake # Yes fall into the lake you bloody zombies # Run bloody faster Gendry # Concerned daddy Davos :) # Poor Thoros :(  # Jon taking The Hound's drink to burn Thoros body lol I see you show putting Jon on a elevated spot to make him look as tall as The Hound ;) # Jorah being the one to point out the sire white walker dies, the wights he makes die. Damn my brave bear is so smart # "Daenerys is our only chance" aww # Beric pointing out if they kill the night king the war will be over # Sansa gets invited to Kings Landing and is all "hell no, never going back to that dump full of horror again" # Damn right Sansa, you need to stay and help prepare for the north. I don't really think Arya or Bran have any desire to manage the north if she left. # Brienne worrying over Sansa :) # Sansa being a Braime shipper, I love it # wouldn't call Winterfell the safest place Sansa as when the white walkers breach the wall Winterfell will be one of the first places they go # Sansa being cold to Brienne :( Brienne only wants you to be safe Sansa # "the most important person in the world can't fly off to the most dangerous place in the world" so here for protective Tyrion # omg that dress is so beautiful, best dress I've ever seen in game if thrones. The pureness of the white, the almost dragon scales, the vibrant gold down the back and yet still being practical enough to have room to wear riding pants # Tyrion willing the risk the deaths of Jon/Jorah and co if Dany stays safe # "If you die, we're all lost...everyone, everything" :( # Dany being the impulsive hero she said Jorah and Jon are # Tyrion on the verge of tears :( # Sandor you bloody idiot, you just gave your only defense away out of anger # oh no the lake has completely frozen over :( # yes Jorah, keep kicking ass # Jorah saving Jon! :) # Jon very protective of their captured wight lol # where the hell are you gonna fall back to Jon your surrounded in the middle of a lake # come on guys bloody save Tormund # Yes Sandor the hero, that's what I'm talking about # loved Jon's little spin of his sword # poor nameless wildling being torn apart by a wight horde while Jon watches # Jon looks so defeated like his accepted his gonna die :( # here comes Jon's wifey with her dragons and epic music # Wow the graphics of Ice and Fire look so epic, burn them all! # Dany looking like a beautiful warrior queen atop Drogon # Jon staring up at Dany in awe # Jon pushing past all the taller guys like Tormund to get closer to Dany :) # Jon and Dany reaching for each others hands desperate to touch each other ;) # All the guys climbing up on Drogon while Jon stays fighting and Jorah calls for him # omg Sandor impaling the wight on one of Drogon's spikes lol # Tormund looks shook staring at Dany # Dany looking back at Jon, going hurry up bae # omg No, Viserion screaming in pain as the Night Kings magical staff destroys his insides 😧😧😭😭 # Dany watching her baby fall from the sky and die, not believing what she's seeing😭😭 # omg Drogon crying and Rhaegal trying to follow Viserion😭😭😭 # Viserion's beautiful golden eyes closing😭😭😫 # I can't believe Viserion is dead, he was by far the sweetest. He was the smallest, most gentle dragon who was the most affectionate and in the books didn't have a desire to hunt like his brothers instead wanted to curl up to his mother and have his belly rubbed😭😭😭😭 # Everyone looking in horror at what happened and Jorah looking at Dany knowing this is destroying her😭😭😭 # Jon turning and fighting in so much anger knowing one Dany's children are dead and giving the Night King the evil eyes # Jon knowing they plan on killing more of Dany's children and willing to sacrifice himself so they can all get away😱😱😭 # Dany watching Jon, someone else she loves going down in the lake😭😭😭 # Dany giving the Night King evil eyes before she gets the hell out of there # Drogon being smart and learning from field of fire 2.0 to swerve to avoid being hit # Jorah falling off Drogon before Tormund saves him # Dany looking down holding back her tears for Jon and Viserion knowing she has too much responsibility to break down😭😭😭 # omg Jon is alive! Go baby, saying that though multiple people have almost drown in this show but none have died # Benjen saving Jon from certain death with his incredible fire swinging cannon ball # Jon being so shocked to see his uncle and wanting him to come with him :( # Jon seemingly watching as Benjen is overrun but with this show who knows😭😭 # Dany looking so crushed but wanting to wait a little longer holding on to a slither of hope that she hasn't lost two special someone's she cares for😭😭😭😭😭😭  #Dany about to leave before the horn blows once and sees Jon on a horse # Dany looking in horror as Davos and the others strip Jon of his wet clothes showing his black and blue bruised body and all his unhealed scars knowing Davos was right and he really took a knife in a knife in the heart😱😱 # yuck Arya, having a bag full of faces is really unhygienic that's not what the house of black and white taught you😷😷 # damn Arya, you sure know how to creep the hell out of your sister # poor Sansa, she doesn't understand her younger siblings. Bran being the three eyed raven, Arya being a faceless assassin # Sansa not wanting to play Arya's game of faces just wanting to know what the hell is going on # "the world doesn't let girls decide what they're going to be" damn that is so true in Westeros😒😒 # Jesus Arya, are you screwing with your sister and playing the game of faces for yourself. I seriously doubt Arya would have any desire to be like Sansa or kill her sister for that matter. # wow Sansa seriously thought Arya was gonna hurt her # I wonder how long Dany has been there, with her change of hair and clothes I'm guessing it's been a few days. Has she been taking shifts or been there the entire time I wonder # "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" Dany trying to hold back her tears😭😭😭 # oh wow Jon taking her hand wanting to comfort her even though his suffering too😭😍😭😍 # Even though Dany lost her child, she doesn't regret it knowing she had to see the white walkers for herself😞😖 # "the dragons are my children... They're the only children I'll ever have" Dany you are breaking my heart and I hope your wrong😭😭 # "we are going to destroy the night king and his army and we'll do it together. You have my word" oh Dany your killing me😭😭😭 # "Thank you Dany" damn Jon already starting with the nicknames😏😏 # "how about my queen" omg Jon's voice is pure sex when he says that. The way his looking at her, that voice no way he means that as just his fealty😍😍😏😏 # "They'll all come to see you for what you are" omg Jon your killing me😍😭😍😭 # the way slowly puts her hand in his and Jon looks down at their joined hands😍😍😍 # "I hope I deserve it" book/S1 Dany finally coming out and it's breaking my heart😍😍😭😭😭 # The way Jon is looking at her omg 😍😍 # the way the feelings overwhelm Dany and she tries to pull away but Jon holds on to her tighter omg and just stares into her eyes with so much love 😍😍😍 # Dany knowing right then how they both feel about each other and pulling away and Jon's look and breath of utter disappointment # Jon's heavy breath as he pretends to sleep as Dany composes herself and leaves then his heavy breath as he opens his eyes once she's gone😍😍😍 # what the hell are they doing to Viserion, let his soul rest in peace😠😠😠 # don't touch him asshole😠😠 # oh no poor Viserion, his one of them now and the only way I can see this ending is Dany being forced to kill him to let his soul rest like she did with Drogo😭😭😭😵😵 #Viserion deserved better! 😭😭

#gots7 #beyond the wall #game of thrones #jonerys #daenerys targaryen #jon snow #got 7x06 #jorah mormont #viserion #snowstorm #tyrion lannister #jon x daenerys #dany and jon #daenerys stormborn

[rooftinandskyblue]

Ginger Judas, obscure superstar

Well that’s an old interview released on Aug. 26, 2012… I haven’t seen the whole article before so I guess I’d just put it here. And there are some highlights…maybe.

A couple of months ago the comedian and lyricist Tim Minchin told an audience at a literary festival: “I hope my daughter dies tomorrow in a car crash. I’ll tweet if she does.”

That sounds bad, out of context.

“People get dim about stuff sometimes,” he says of the ensuing outcry. At the festival, he explains, he was trying to illustrate his point that you can’t actually “tempt fate”.

“You have to overcome your superstitions. Saying ‘I hope you have a plane crash’ isn’t going to change the outcome of a person’s flight. I said, 'I hope my daughter dies tomorrow at 10am.’ The specificity’s very important. You have to say something that won’t happen - because of the odds - in order to overcome your superstition that it will happen. "You have to overcome your megalomaniacal 'I’m so important’ human bullshit bias - you have to overcome the idea that you are magic. Because you’re not magic.”

Minchin is magic, though. He’s the most famous Australian nobody can quite picture until you say “that ginger bloke with the piano and the funny songs”.

And they are very funny. Look up Prejudice on YouTube - a song about how six little letters (N, I, E, R and two Gs) can be so hurtful. Millions already have. Or Lullaby, his wry assessment of fatherhood (“Your blanket’s hand-knitted, with pure angora wool/Your nappy is dry and your tummy is full/Of enough antihistamine, to chill out a bull/Yet still all this gringing”).

Through his twenties, he was an impoverished jack-ofall-arts playing late-night gigs in “bars full of drunken British tourists in Melbourne”.

The combination of music and comedy - he says he’s funny for a musician and a good musician for a comedian - held him back. No one could see a market. He was advised to specialise in one or the other but he wouldn’t. “I was having too much fun,” he says but also, he’s stubborn. Most people would have chucked it in and become an accountant.

Eventually, YouTube happened (“it made me”) and Minchin went viral. He toured. He made DVDs. He became that ginger guy with the eyeliner (to exaggerate expressions) and the backcombed hair (umm). We started calling him British-Australian rather than just Australian (he was born here to Aussie parents and lives here now).

At the same time he was reading lots of philosophy and his unflinching rationalism became a trademark. A Richard Dawkins, but funnier, nicer and camouflaged in flowery piano trills. One Minchin song re-examines love at first sight with the opening couplet: “You grew on me like a tumour/And you spread through me like malignant melanoma”. Another rejoices in Christmas as a time for humanism rather than deism.

Yet another, Ten-Foot Cock and a Few Hundred Virgins, considers God and anal sex.

Why is he still not quite known? “To be a household name, you have to be on telly,” he says. “I don’t believe comedy songs work on the telly.”

Minchin might just be too risque for mainstream television.

Last year, ITV cut his song Woody Allen Jesus from the Jonathan Ross Show because, “the tone wasn’t quite right for the Christmas show”.

True, he did liken Jesus to a zombie. He also covered the virgin birth with the memorable verse: “Breeding without the opposite gender is commonly known as parthenogenesis/Other animals that don’t need males include a lot of lizards and various snails”. But still, you would have thought a television audience could take a bit of mild blasphemy.

ITV thought not.

Critics then accused him of picking only on Christianity. Was he scared of taking on Islam? “It’s a non sequitur,” he says now. “It’s like saying, 'Why are you doing jokes about ice creams, not dolphins?’ "I have no obligations to be balanced, I’m a comedian. Secondly, Christianity’s my culture, it’s the culture I grew up with. I don’t really want to criticise Islam. I mean, I do it but it’s not my thing, even though I do spend five minutes on stage with a Koran talking about sacredness. Thirdly, sure I’m scared of stirring up a violent minority and getting my family killed. Is that not a good reason? It’s like saying, 'You punched that tiny guy, now go punch that karate guy’.”

What we are supposed to be discussing here is Jesus Christ Superstar. Minchin is taking a lunch break from rehearsals at 3 Mills Studios in east London. Alongside Chris Moyles’s Herod, God help us, and Mel C’s Mary Magdalene, he will play Judas Iscariot in the stadium version of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 40-year-old hit next month.

This seems an odd career move. Still basking in the huge success of Matilda the Musical, first in the West End and now Broadway too, Minchin has been variously hailed as the “saviour of British musicals”, “an original talent”, “a unique genius” and “unmissable”. But now he’s doing Superstar. With the “saviour of Radio 1”. And a Spice Girl. And Lloyd Webber. Not exactly cutting edge.

“My interest is this incredibly told story - The Passion of the Christ put to rock music,” he says. “As a lover of Deep Purple and Seventies rock, I’m interested in the show musically.

As a musician and a fan of Tim Rice, I’m interested in it lyrically. And as a child whose life was changed by Lloyd Webber’s Starlight Express, why would I ever not do this? "It’s theatre. It’s a story. I have no problem delineating stories from real life. I get really annoyed at people who call themselves psychic and telekinetic, but Matilda does magic with her eyes. I tell my children all sorts of fantasies but it doesn’t mean I’m trying to sell them something as truth; it’s just stories.”

To progress further, we must separate the two Minchins. Minchin One is the passionate advocate of humanism and Minchin Two is the happy-golucky storyteller. Of course they are intertwined, but they don’t always both define him. He’s doing Superstar because he wants to. And it will make him more famous, because there’s also a third Minchin, the one who wants affirmation.

“Fame is like group sex,” he tells me confidently. “You desire it till you’ve had it and then it’s like 'meh’.”

I’m halfway through admitting I wouldn’t know on either count, but he interrupts.

“Actually, that’s a bad metaphor.

Once you’ve had group sex you just want more group sex, but I really believe most of us are driven most of the time to be affirmed. I’m absolutely driven to be affirmed but I’m not driven to be affirmed by being rich and famous. Although they are intrinsically linked to what I am driven to be affirmed by, which is impressing people.”

This is how he talks. And writes lyrics. An idea wrapped in the opposite idea inside a riddle. On Twitter he describes himself as “a musician with a swollen sense of my ability to articulate my insignificance”.

He also calls himself an “educationalist”.

Minchin One, the advocate, wants to expose the hypocrisy of those who preach morality but don’t practise it.

Does he believe in nothing? “I’m a humanist materialist.

I don’t believe in anything that’s unlikely. To believe in Jesus, you can either make the assumption that there was a man who broke all the laws of biology and physics or say that humans have mythologised other humans throughout history, and sometimes myths take off. Just because ideas take off doesn’t mean they’re real.”

He continues: “I’m going to write a musical with the Pope as the central character. I want to take a sympathetic view of what it would be like for a young man - while other young men are getting stupid tattoos or accidentally getting girls pregnant - to say 'I believe in a master of the universe’.

What are the odds that these young men stick with their beliefs? That they won’t, at some point, think, 'Well, I don’t really believe that shit any more but this is the structure within which I do my pastoral care. I’ve got bills to pay’?” Last scene: an atheist running the church. Curtain falls. There would be protests. ITV wouldn’t like it. But the lyrics would be good.

Until then, we have Tim Minchin playing the questioning, betraying disciple at the O2 arena. It’s a long way from the Melbourne dive bars, but it sort of adds up. It could even be part of a grand design.

“No, it’s just luck,” he says.

“There’s no soul, no nothing.

It’s just luck.”

And with that, he heads off to rehearse Judas.

Tickets are available at jesuschristsuperstar.com

#tim minchin #do you like group sex tim? #pope the musical would be funnnnn #throwback2012 #sounds remote

[internalmonologueblog-blog]

Document 21092017

Here's my story. I have to write it because my emotions make me inarticulate and people end up not really understanding what's going on with me. So here it is.

Since my late teens I have suffered with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I have dealt with it largely by myself. People don't notice and I don't tell them because I don't like to be seen as weak or not in control. I have often thought about seeking help but am reluctant because I know I will be presented with one of two options: counselling or medication. I am skeptical that counseling will help me because I already spend so much time analysing my own thoughts and behaviour that I know my own flaws and I fully understand the reasons why I act and think the way I do. I have a very rational and objective view of things but even that does not help me. I have seen people diagnosed with depression be put on medication and it has made them numb. They can't feel anything. I would rather spend my life going from one extreme to the other, than not feel anything at all. I believe life isn't worth living unless you can feel it. You can't spend your life as an emotionless zombie. Unfortunately, for me, this means that I have made the decision to deal with things in my own way, continuing to feel things very intensely and passionately. You'd maybe think that was a good thing but I feel like it has helped drive people away from me. Normal people can't deal with it. With me. And so, I constantly find myself being rejected and misunderstood. I try so hard to be a good and kind person but it is very rarely reciprocated in the way that I need. I am beginning to wonder if anyone will ever truly understand me.  

I think, at this time, mental health issues are being discussed much more openly, however I feel like this comes hand in hand with complacency. I have attempted to tell some of my closest friends about my depression, only to be brushed off. Maybe they're scared by it and don't know how to deal with it. Maybe they just don't have the time. Or maybe they see it as such a normal thing now that it's not important. But I have tried to connect with the people most important to me and it always seems to backfire. I also fear that people won't take me seriously, that they'll think I'm just being dramatic or overreacting. That it's just a joke.

I refuse to tell my parents about my issues because I am their only child and I know how important I am to them, ergo I feel obligated not to worry them or disappoint them. I want to be that strong, successful and independent woman that doesn't need anybody. I want to be capable of taking care of myself. But also, though I know they care so much, I'm not sure even they would truly understand what I'm going through.  

I go through peaks and troughs with my depression. I still like to think that for the most part I am a very happy and optimistic person and that's all I want to be. I love to be happy and to laugh. I like to make other people happy. And I do believe that, for the most part, I am very in control of my depression. I'm completely aware of it and how it works within my life. Maybe that's why people don't really notice... But there are times when I close in to myself and want to shut out the world. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to see anyone. And then I dwell on everything that is wrong with my life and all the mistakes I have made. The rational part of me knows I am very, very lucky – I am reasonably healthy, I have a job, I have a home, I have a family and I have friends. But somehow still this is not enough and I fear that whatever happens with my life I will never be satisfied.  

A couple of years ago my long term, toxic relationship came to an end. There were many, many problems and so, as difficult as it was at the time, I believe now that it was absolutely for the best. When this happened I had a friend, who I'd just started talking to prior to that. He helped me through it and many other hard times since then. He became my best friend, my confidant and the one person who genuinely seemed to care for my wellbeing. He was there for me no matter what and seemed to always understand what I was going through. He knew about my issues and it didn't faze him. He openly talked to me about it and made me feel better about myself. I allowed myself to trust and depend on him, something I have found increasingly hard to do after being treated poorly and being taken advantage of by several people.  

Earlier this year my friend confessed he had feelings for me. He has a family. I told him that whilst I was very flattered, that nothing could happen. I told him that I accepted the confession and that I wouldn't let it change things between us. I felt like he needed my friendship and support, he was going through some tough times of his own and I didn't want to abandon him. He'd always been there for me and I wanted to be there for him. So, we continued to be very close friends. Recently he became very unhappy about his situation and made the decision to leave his wife. I told him I would support him, whatever he needed to do, I just wanted him to be happy. During the few weeks that followed, we became even closer and we both began to wonder if there could be something more between us. I was reluctant to push this too far because I knew that he had a lot to deal with but we shared some really happy times together and I couldn't help but start to imagine some kind of future with him. Some kind of normality.

Last week he suddenly went quiet on me. I understood that he needed time to process everything that was going on so I tried to leave him to it, but it was hard after talking to him almost every day for the last couple of years. This started to get me down and the trouble is, once the depression starts, it snowballs. He would send me a few one-line messages which was a relief because I was very concerned for him. But it became like to talking to a robot. There was hardly a hint of emotion. I started to feel confused and hurt, not understanding why he wouldn't talk to me. Finally, yesterday, he sent me an email, which I had requested over a face to face conversation because I had a vague sense of what was coming. Not that it could've prepared me. He told me he wanted to try and fix his marriage, something I fully respect, support and would never have stood in the way of. But then he also said he couldn't see me anymore. And that was the nail in the coffin.

The one person in the whole world that knows everything about me, every single little thing in my head, every issue... was cutting me off, just like that. To say I am devastated would be an understatement. I begged him that we remain friends, that I would support him whatever he decided to do, as long as it made him happy but he would have none of it. He told me he couldn't repair his marriage and have me in his life.  

I don't think anyone will fully understand our friendship and how close we were. But I feel like I've had my heart ripped out. As I said earlier, I feel things very deeply and this is no exception. I never expected that he would do something like this to me, knowing what he knows about me and how much he's allowed me to depend on him. I feel betrayed, after being the best and most loyal friend I could be.  

I never expected anything from him – I didn’t want to have an affair with him and I didn't want him to leave his wife for me. I explicitly told him that if he was to make the decision to leave that he must do it for himself, not for me. I tried to do the right thing but yet again, it has backfired.

And now I am left alone to cope with everything, once again. It seems to be a never-ending cycle that I can't break out of. I trust someone, I invest everything in them and then they end up cutting me off. This has probably been the most extreme example of that but I am tired of it. I'm exhausted.  

I tried cutting myself last night for the first time in years, out of utter desperation. Fortunately, I had blunted the stanley knife taking up the old carpet to do too much damage. But the intention was there. And I spent some time trying to decide whether to kill myself or build flatpack furniture. The flatpack furniture won. Maybe I'm lucky in that my depressive state has two halves – the half that wants to submit to the pain and the anguish, the half that just doesn’t see a point anymore, and then there's the other half of me that is a stubborn, angry pain in the ass that will never give up.  

I read a book recently, about a girl who commits suicide and leaves tapes behind for the people who played a part in her demise. Her situation is described as a snowball effect, that the words and actions of other people, no matter how small can stick with you. I've never read anything truer and it really hit a nerve with me because that's exactly what it feels like. Some big uncontrollable snowball, picking up more shit as it rushes towards you.  

I have other issues about my current situation. I have hopes and dreams that I am struggling to achieve. I feel like I'm trapped in the life I'm living and I don't know how to get out. I want to grow and I want to do what I love. But these things are easier to talk about... This most recent series of events is not.  

I don't know what to do now. I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe I just need to share the burden. I think I just need people to understand because I have lost the one person who did. I need your help.  

#depression #suicide #self-harm #relationships