#(bc he said in an email he wants to look into getting a physical copy of the show so i assume he doesnt have the episodes) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rvraein · 4 years

Text

[ rundown on raein ]

Okay so this is Raein and he is my complicated little baby and I have a lot of headcannons for him from past playings of him, so I’m making a master-post thing of everything that people should know about him and headcanons and stuff. I’ll probably be updating this as I make more but yeah this is essentially my life hack on Raein.

Some of it may be a little outdated bc I copy-pasted a lot of it from the last time i played him, which is like 4 years ago, and I’m too lazy to proofread like an adult.

DID

Okay, first and foremost, Rae has Dissasociative Identity Disorder (DID), which is essentially Multiple Personality Disorder. I’ve kind of outlined DID here [ X ], but there’s more on the wikipedia page (I’ve proofread it so the information is accurate, last I checked) [ X ]. There are other good resources, like DissociaDID on YouTube, if you’d like to know more.

How this affects Raein:

His DID first flared up when he was eight; his father was abusive and he was very submissive and shy, so as a result, a second personality–or alter–was developed as kind of a protective barrier between him and his father. I’ve kind of named this alter the Protector, just to make it easier for me to refer to when I’m plotting and stuff, and any replies done in this alter are usually tagged #[ protector ]. Replies done in his host (first) personality as #[ host ]. The personalities aren’t that different from each other; they’re similar enough that he can keep his disorder a secret from most people. His host personality is just painfully shy and actually scared of everyone. His Protector alter is still shy, but more well equipped to talk to strangers or people he doesn’t know well.

He has definitely come to terms with his disorder a little more, although switching between alters gives him huge memory lapses, and that scares him a lot. He’s never the type to hurt anyone in any way, but he’s always worried that he hurt someone and can’t remember it, or that he’s missing something important, like schedule details or big confessions from people. While he is 20 and most parts of his personality have matured as he has grown up, there are many parts that have stayed stuck in an eight-year-old mindset, or that are maturing at a much slower rate, making him very naive and childish for the most part. He has high functioning DID, so sometimes he can control which alter is in control, but only when he’s in a good mindset. When he’s upset, they change on their own, which frightens him quite a bit, and makes the situation worse.

His DID is a secret. Unless I plot something with you about your character knowing, they shouldn’t know at all. A huge part of his character is keeping his DID a secret from the world and the stress behind it. It’s keeping it from friends and being scared about them finding out and leaving him. It’s making sure it’s under wraps so the media never finds out, because if they do, his contract is done and New Age can let him go.

Personality

Rae is scared of everyone he doesn’t know, or doesn’t know well. He is painfully shy, and hides, usually behind his friends. That being said–if he does know you fairly well and he trusts you a lot, he will absolutely cling to you. Like, physically cling to you and hide behind you, but also cling to you in the sense that he will follow you around everywhere. He’s very sweet and painfully kind. Like too-pure-for-this Earth kind. He is quick to worry, but is very thoughtful. He’s also vulnerable, naive, easily frightened, and easily manipulated, so that can lead to a lot of trouble.

He doesn’t hate anyone. Like, no one at all. Not even his birth father; while he’s scared straight of him, there’s still part of him that wants to make amends. But he’s still afraid of his father more than anything; a few months ago, just the sight of someone who remotely looked like his father was enough to send him into a full blown panic attack and meltdown.

Headcanons

His favorite foods are vanilla ice cream, popcorn, cookies and grilled cheese–in that order

He loves putting sprinkles on things as a topping, but he hates green sprinkles because he thinks they look like alien eggs.

He is always wearing a sweater. His wardrobe is pretty much all sweaters.

And the sleeves of all his sweaters are frayed because he picks at his sleeves when he gets nervous or frightened

His favorite movie is Big Hero 6

His favorite video game is Super Smash Bros

He has a stuffed Mario plushie that is his whole world like he loves that thing more than most people

When he’s nervous or scared, he curls up into a ball like a cat or a hedgehog

Just the mere mention of his dad is enough to give him a full blown panic attack.

He loves karaoke.

He’s scared of the CEO and Executives because they have the power to end his career if word of his DID gets out.

While his personality and maturity are very childish, as if he never grew up since developing his DID, he has a high intelligence. He’s naive, but he’s quick and clever and people often overlook that.

He is not a very strong dancer, but he’s a quick learner so he doesn’t have as hard of a time getting choreography down as he could.

He’s scared of stylists because he thinks they’ll dye his hair blue like Eunsung’s hair.

Usually he speaks with a bit of a stammer, unless he’s extremely comfortable or happy. It’s not always a bad thing though, because he stammers when he’s excited too

He gets downright terrified if he ever has to sleep in a room alone

He sends his mom email journals daily–sometimes more than once a day, just so she can be kept in the loop.

He and his mom have been struggling financially since they left his biological father. One of the big reasons why he auditioned for New Age was that a lot of his living costs would be paid by the company, making it easier on Hyunae.

His favorite person to cuddle with is Donny because he’s one of the few people Rae knows who is bigger than him.

He also likes being around Donny so he can hide behind him, also because he’s bigger. But he will legit hide behind anyone hes close to

When he says eomma he’s referring to Sora, and he says eomeoni when talking about his biological mother. (not applicable in this version of the rp)

However, both appa and abeoji are Kyu. (not applicable in this version of the rp )

He gets nervous when fans give him gifts because he doesn’t know them personally and can’t give them anything back (or he will in the future, once he debuts)

He thinks Hasik is a pirate** and is scared of him because of it **he doesnt think Hasik is a pirate anymore since he got his hair cut, but he’s still scared of him. not even because of his scandal. he just has a really deep voice

#[ hc ]#[ ooc ]#rivalzintro

2 notes · View notes

witchyinthekitchen · 6 years

Text

This is a Vent Post about my Mother, Please do not reblog

This post is probably gunna be all over the place/time with things that I can remember/recall so bear with me here.

-Being told to make my own food bc mom was too busy with brand new baby (I was between 5-6 so poptarts were about all i could manage. I'd asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) (my brother was a VERY finniky baby. If you weren't holding him he'd scream till his face went purple.))

-Tried to share interests in Anime/manga with her, when I asked her what she felt about it she said she couldn’t get into it and that it felt like a chore. (13-15 ish)

-Told her I needed therapy bc I was having suicidal thoughts. She took me, but then took me out once I started getting upset about the things i’d been talking about in therapy with my therapist because I'd come home in a bad mood.(15-16 ish)

-Went to Mother Daughter Group Therapy with her (there were other mother daughter combos) and she stormed out in the middle of it saying that we were only attacking her and not my dad too. (was 15-16 ish)

-Got into an argument about who i was voting for in the 2016 election while on vacation at Disney World (Hint it wasn't Trump like she wanted)(24 ish)

-Tried to gaslight me about trying to get everyone together to talk wedding stuff saying how she tried but that it all fell apart. (I have texts of her canceling it the day before we were all supposed to get together.)(26)

-Gets super defensive/upset any time I talk about “other mothers” in my life (MIL, BM)

-Has been super hot and cold with me during wedding planning and making passive aggressive comments about everything: Tell him to buy new pants for the engagement shoot 'bc I dont want him wearing baggy clothes -SO's Lost over 20lbs+ for the wedding and i'm so fuckin proud of him- “I don’t want to pay for hard alcohol for SO and his friends to drink at the wedding.” As if ½ the people invited weren’t all just her friends? ((All our friends live out of state/country so half the wedding is family and HER friends/neighbors.)) "I’m sure H*(SIL) and K*(MIL) have good counsel for you on _____," (Why would you say this when i'm asking for YOUR opinion? If i wanted their opinion i'd ask them.)

-4 months before the wedding she’s trying to talk me out of my venue saying we need to go look at the ones SO and MIL had suggested.

-Wants me to keep (BM)'s relation to me a secret even though i’m pretty sure 85% of the people who know me and are coming to my wedding know i'm adopted.

-Angry that I was moving out of the house at 21 with my SO she told his mother she hoped we’d fail. (In her defense she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'd done poorly in my last semester of college so parents thought it would be a good idea to take me out of college for a semester so i could live at home and basically be at my moms beck and call while also being expected to work 2 jobs (they'd told me the instant that the semester was over that i was expected to work 2 jobs) -That's at least how I was viewing that whole situation before I moved out- )

-As a kid I remember wanting to run away a lot. (Never away to a friends house but always to a park to live under a bridge like the goblin I am (lol)) (is it obvious I use self depreciating humor to get through things that I'm uncomfortable with? haha)

-I'd always hide things from her, even small things like a puzzle book i'd bought myself from the elementary school book fairs. i even began writing my diaries in code so she couldn't read them. Not that i ever caught her reading my diaries or what not but thats how afraid i was.

-The only things that stopped me from killing myself was the distressing thought that my mother would be more upset with blood on the floor than me being gone. (It was a constant worry of mine when I was having ideations.)

-When i was getting close to graduating high school the librarians told me they had a bunch of excess old books they were getting rid of and one of them happened to be the "Toxic Parents" book i've seen several other posts refer to. I took no other books besides that one. I hid that from her too. Looking back through it i remember there was a checklist in the book and i'd filled some of it out when i was younger. I most definitely am a people pleaser.

-We've never really been able to "talk" about things together like how my dad and i do and i think she's really jealous about it.

-The only way I feel comfortable talking to her is Via Email/Text because then that way i have a copy of all the things she's said. because i often forget things. (I honestly don't know how bad my memory is or if its gaslighting but i hope its just me being forgetful and not the latter...)

-I literally cannot let my SO do the dishes because my Mom would always do the dishes/clean when she was mad and bang pots around loudly and just even those sounds set me on edge.

-Her telling me that the careers i wanted to get into (IE: the Arts/Theater/Music) wouldn't make enough money and that they'd be fine as Hobbies but not as careers.

-She's continually trying to push me into a Customer Service Job because i'm so good at making other people happy. (talked to dad about this and he says i'm a very big people pleaser who doesn't like conflicts -cue nervous laughter about wedding planning-)

-Being around her for long periods of time is so physically/emotionally draining. I know that's probably a result of always being on edge with her and I always feel bad that I feel that way.

-Because she's said she hoped I'd fail (me and my So when I first moved out) I'm terrified of telling her anything personal going on in my life for fear that she'd take it out on me or use it against me (i got super anxious/scared when she came up to see me on my end of town once because we'd be stopping at the mall where i used to work and i hadn't yet told her that I'd quit that job.)

-I want to have a relationship with her. I want us to do fun Mom& Daughter things but at the same time I'm scared of letting her get too close to me again just to have it fall apart again.

-When I moved out (21) i went VLC with my whole family before i even knew what VLC was. I barely saw them (except for certain holidays/events.) I didn't talk to my dad for about 3 years because of this and am just now recovering that relationship with him (been 5 years now since I moved out)

-After I get married my plan is to move to CO. During that time i don't remember if my mom has mentioned if she'd miss me, but i do recall she has made multiple points to tell me that my dad says he would miss me.

-I had to beg for a 16th Birthday Party. She finally caved half a year later after I'd talked to my Therapist about it.

-pretty sure i'm the SG of the family (possibly Cousin 1 being the GC because she went to same University my mom did)

-Other family members on her side have stepped in to provide financial help to me on the promise that i wouldn't tell anyone. (probably to stop any gossip of favoritism)

I Don't know if she's an N or just really bad at expressing herself but her hot and cold attitude really sets off my anxiety that i've done something to piss her off and that she won't talk to me about it for a few weeks and then acts as though nothing is wrong/nothing happened. Planning my wedding is the MOST contact we've had in 5 years since i moved out and went VLC and i've been trying to use this as a way to bond with her better but anytime i think i'm getting somewhere Something happens and she's upset again. A phrase i've found myself come into saying recently is "I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong." So i've tried to take that approach when it comes to her. I know she's an adult and can choose for herself if she wants to talk about whats on her mind. I can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to but the anxiety it causes when she gets into these moods is really debilitating. I'm terrible at letting things go (especially if i think its my fault)

I'm Not Her Therapist, but if she has an issue with me I wish she'd just tell me instead of the Silent treatment for a week.

Trigger Topics that I've learned to Avoid at All Costs:

Anything about "Other Mothers" in my life.

Politics & Racism

Anything in the Past that happened.

My moving out

Anything that paints her as a "Bad Mother"(aka this whole post probably)

This post is a mess and I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking through this Brain Dump while I process.

-Edit 2:

More things i'm recalling: For Christmas one year in front of my whole family (I was between 8-10 ish) she got me a set of underwear with the days of the week labeled on them and told me in front of everyone that "Maybe this would help me remember [to change my underwear daily]..."

One of my final years in high school I somehow managed to get a Cold Sore. My First Cold Sore ever and my lip where it broke out swelled up HUGE. I woke up the day it appeared ( a weekend thank the gods) and horrified went downstairs to tell my mom about it. I don't recall any words of sympathy other than "Cold Sores are caused by Herpes." I just remember breaking down into tears.

I mapped out a "Quiet Walking Path" that avoided all the creaky floorboards and steps in our house.

I get extremely anxious whenever I would hear my parents footsteps coming up the stairs. It got to the point that I could distinguish their steps on Carpet.

I jump/flinch (visibly) at loud noises, even if I know they are coming (movies songs ect.)

Routinely friended/unfriended me on Facebook before deleting it entirely (due to 2018 spying/hacking allegations)

I don't know if she means for these things to be hurtful but as someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and is extremely sensitive to others feelings it just hurts y'know?

-edit 3: Attempted to talk to mom about her saying she hoped we'd fail via email. went about as well as expected. =Well, that clears a lot of things up. We only wanted you to be independent and happy, and it appears you are. End of story!

And for what it’s worth, I’ve said a LOT of things over the past 6 years that you didn’t hear about. And I’m not really sure where you heard “I hope they fail.” But I’m sure your source is 100%, and certainly not something you’d want to clarify with me.

I hope you got your apartment all squared away in Colorado. You should be under the 60-day notice by now! Woo hoo!

Let me know when you all are coming to get your stuff out of the house.

I’ll have it packed and ready for you.

-Mom

Am i reading into this too much? because it sounds like she's being hella passive aggressive about this.

-Edit 4: 7-19-18 Been venting about wedding planning being stressful on fb away from my mom since she doesn't have one anymore. I didn't realize she had fms reporting to her about my posts as she just randomly mentions via text that she wants to help me have fun while planning and that she wishes she could make it a happy time for me.

Edit 5: 9-26-18 Wedding is over finally. had our honeymoon and got moved out of our apartment back into my MIL's house. During the move we had to put all of our stuff into storage which includes Wedding gifts and thankyou notes. So Mom has been hounding me about getting them done and i've informed her several times that all of that is in storage and i havent been able to yet. She said not an excuse go buy more thankyou notes and write them all. I asked if Emailing a thank you would work, she says no must be hand written and mailed out (also who's paying for 100+ stamps: Me) Well Tonight she informs me that she's doing all the ones from her/my side and that she doesn't care if we do them for DH's side since SIL didn't send any thank you notes either. Cue big long talk with DH about all of this and he says not to worry about her being passive aggressive like this. Go and check my Email to find she sent an Email to me only with writing saying

"Dear all,

Thank you so much for attending --- wedding. Your presence was so important to me, and I know to the kids as well. Thank you also for the lovely wedding gifts you sent or brought. I know they are appreciated and will be enjoyed by the newlyweds. It was very kind and generous of you!

Unfortunately, --- is unable to send thank you notes, but I did want you to know that your gifts, and your presence at the celebration, were very important to all of us, and very much appreciated.

Fondly,

MOM"

currently I'm choosing not to respond and I wonder how our relationship is going to be going forward from all of this... I was so happy that the wedding was over so i wouldn't have to deal with this petty drama bullshit anymore but I guess thats just too much to ask for.

-She's also unfriended me on facebook again. I'm tempted to just block her to stop this wishy washy stuff from happening again.

#Personal #DO NOT REBLOG #I will block you if you reblog this #Vent for myself #i don't know what to do anymore #Mom #Mom Vent #i hope i dont have to update this anymore #but we'll see #venting post #PERSONAL VENT #PARENTS #Emotional Abuse #Mental Abuse

1 note · View note

cute-trans-people · 7 years

Text

Mod Frankie here.

In light of the stuff that got posted last I’m going to post an in-depth response, but I’d like to start it off with saying; I do not agree with Ash. I am trying to remove him from the blog as we speak.

This is gonna get long, so I’m posting under a read more.

Hey, @ashthenerdiestnerd here’s a long response. Go fuck yourself and get the fuck of my blog please.

I have deleted the original post as well as the ask Ash answered, but I will keep up the second thing he posted at least temporarily.

I don’t agree with anything that Ash posted. I haven’t spoken to him since March and he has only ever posted 4 things on this blog, I don’t know why the fuck he hasn’t removed himself from it yet.

I don’t think that you need dysphoria to be trans. The only requirement to being trans is identifying as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth. Being trans is not a disorder. The DSM-5 explicitly states that it is not a disorder.

The myth that non-dysphoric trans people (and especially nonbinary people) are taking away resources and from “actual” trans people is bullshit.

I’m also going to be responding the the asks he deleted here (I get emails for all asks and I will be copying and pasting from there)

@thecreepycrow

"To be tran, you need to have dysphoria" is probably one of the more ignorant things I've hear in the last week. No, no you don't. There are nonbinary people who have little to no dysphoria, those people are still trans. There are people who are born a biological sex and ID as a different gender but have zero issue with their actual body and don't feel the need to medically transition and just look however they'd like. Being trans is not that cut and dry in a lot of cases

I agree completely. If you look back on the other things posted on this blog I have always and will always support all my trans siblings; with and without dysphoria.

Anonymous

Why have you betrayed me like this?

I assure you that I don’t agree with anything Ash said and am getting him removed from this blog as quickly as I can.

Anonymous

good to know your blog is trash! thanks for being open about it, at least. transphobia is transphobia and theres no excuses. i dont have to cut myself up for your fucking benefit.

I’m so sorry for what he said, I would’ve thought it’d be apparent that this blog as a whole does not agree in any way shape or form with truscum beliefs.

Anonymous

Hey, just a reminder that being trans in not a disorder, that a lot of dysphoria is due to society not accommodating trans people and varying trans narratives. Some trans people have dysphoria, some have euphoria, some have neither or both; the defintion of trans is not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth, and thats the only qualifier. The only person that can comment truely on persons gender is that person

Very well put! Gender euphoria is often overlooked in discussions about being trans, but I think it's very important in combatting the idea that being trans is just suffering.

Anonymous

Wasn’t honestly going to say anything but it’s important. I’m going to be unfollowing. I have been trying to find positivity. That post was negativity and I don’t honestly want to see more of it. Trans people shouldn’t have to hate themselves to be trans. If they say they are a bit then take that and know that they are a boy. Getting surgery won’t make them cry and say “I’m not female enough” just because they didn’t hate themselves before doesn’t mean they’ll hate themselves after lol

I understand unfollowing. I try to keep this blog as positive and discourse free as possible. I’ve deleted that post and am currently trying to do some damage control before going back to the regular schedule of posting.

Anonymous

then why the hell post this here? This is supposed to be about positivity, not telling people who don't want to go through bottom or top surgery that they aren't valid for ANY reason they might want it.

I know and I’m really sorry that got posted. I would’ve deleted it immediately, but I was asleep.

Anonymous

it was rlly hurtful seeing transphobic stuff on this blog, is ash gonna be kicked off?? pls do bc most of what he said isnt even true! being trans is cool! dysphoria sucks yes Ok but u cant be negative and be "being trans is constant suffering and pain and if u dont feel that ur not a real Trans" like thats not even useful or helpful, also; many cis ppl can feel dysphoria (not to b confused w dysmorphia) and they cant be trans just bc they have dysphoria? idk but i dont want him on this blog thx

I’m trying as hard as I can to get him off this blog, but from what I remember he lives somewhere where its like 4am right now so he hasn’t responded to my message.

Anonymous

im actually super glad for that response to that post... as a transguy i literally can not fathom someone not even experiencing SOCIAL DYSPHORIA (which is literally just wanting to be seen as your actual gender and not your assigned gender). I personally experience strong physical and social dysphoria and if someone doesn’t experience even a mild form of either of these.... they arent trans. If you dont want to be seen as your “true gender” (for any reason other than safety) you arent trans.

Hey, kindly fuck off. I don’t want you following this blog. This is a positivity blog and that post was uncalled for. I don’t want truscum or transmedicalists following or interacting with this blog at all.

#mod: frankie #dont reblog

28 notes · View notes

traumaticexperiences · 7 years

Text

(i’m sorry i didn’t want to put this in the ask bc it got really long but i needed to talk about this to someone i’m sorry) (please copy/paste and make it anonymous?)

IT’S REALLY LONG!!!!!!!

not sure if this plays a role but i’m vietnamese-american (both parents are viet, but i was born and raised in the US)

the physical part

when i was a kid (like before 11 or 12-ish) my older sister (4-year age difference) would sometimes get punished for making trouble or doing something wrong idk like it was usually somehting about disrespect?? like maybe one of us interrupted a parent who was talking or didn’t do a chore/hw and then lied about it to avoid getting in trouble or did badly on something in school

the punishment generally had two versions: the first was to kneel on the kitchen floor without talking to anyone for an extended period of time (i’m guessing to reflect on what we did) which could range from ten minutes to over an hour and afterwards our knees would be cold and red and they would hurt from being pressed into tile for so long but we couldn’t say anything we could only cry

the second was getting hit. there was this long skinny stick, like a huge chopstick (usually wood, although once that one fucked off into oblivion we switched to a white one made of plastic that was hollow on the inside. we stopped once it broke and was too short) called “cay roi” that our parents would use to hit us. me or my sister, we would stand facing away from the parent in question and then get hit on the ass with that fucking stick. when we were in trouble with our mom it was fine bc she tended to get annoyed more often but she’s pretty gentle so it was more of a light sting when she would hit us and it faded fairly quickly. my dad, though, he took longer to piss off but holy shit when he got mad, he was fucking mad that was literally my worst fear as a kid (pissing him off) (i’m 16 now and i’m still scared shitless of that)

the rare occasions when my dad hit us, he would only hit us once bc it was enough to teach us a lesson. when he would swing it down you could fucking hear it going through the air and you wouldn’t feel it until a second later, and it hurt like hell. the wooden stick hurt because it was solid, but the plastic one hurt even more because it was a little more flexible and hit harder. i can still remember what that mcfuckening stick sounds like lmao

and afterwards, we would have to kinda cross our arms (but if you did it wrong it was disrespectful and you’d get in even more trouble) and bow to the parent and apologize specifically for what you did wrong, and then thank the parent for hitting you.

growing up it all seemed pretty normal bc yknow that’s just discipline right??? i mean in all honesty i wasn’t a perfect kid and i could be kind of an asshole about running my mouth. but now i’m just???? what the fuck?????? but also i’m not sure if i’m right to talk shit about it bc it’s pretty widely accepted in my entire extended family??? maybe that’s just how things are idk i mean my sister and cousins went through worse shit than i did and they still kinda agree so i don’t even fuckin know yall

the verbal/emotional part whoopee

our parents stopped seriously hitting us in like 2012 or something but they don’t really need to anymore lmao. they like to pretend it never happened!! probably because of the one time a teacher threatened to call CPS (it never happened)

when my mom gets upset, she’s passive-aggressive and likes to guilt-trip, which, though annoying, is somewhat tolerable.

when my dad gets upset/vaguely irritated (which has been happening more often recently and haha i’m actually kind of fucking terrified) he like,, has this tone of voice and look on his face that???? is objectively The Most Terrifying thing. i’m not ashamed to admit that i cry every time he gets near that stage. and it doesn’t even have to be directed at me specifically??? it’s just objectively scary as all hell

his voice gets really deep and loud and he talks to you like you’re literal shit. it’s bad enough in english, but sometimes he switches to vietnamese and it’s even worse because he gets even more pissed off if you don’t understand what he’s saying but he’s talking so fast and wow!!! i’m too busy crying and being scared shitless that i can barely keep up with my shitty language skills!! it’s a tone of voice that seems to be genetically inherited from the paternal side lmao. he rarely swears, but when he gets mad even just minor swearwords sound intimidating. and he looks at you like you’re worthless and everything about it kinda makes you shrink back.

he gets even more pissed off if you start crying. he’ll say, “i’m not even yelling at you, i’m just trying to make you understand” and like!!!! binch!!!!! you sure don’t sound like you;re not yelling!!!!

lately i’ve been calling him out more when he does this, but then he says that it’s just something that happens when he starts getting worked up, that it’s just that his voice rises and tends to get louder and that his whole side of the family is like that. and yeah i can see it in them but like. can you. not?? and he turns it around and calls you sensitive

and as all this shit is going on it just tears down your sense of self-worth and i can’t find it in myself to even try talking. like it feels as if someone shoved their hand into my chest and started playing operation except they just fucking tore out all the organs and there’s nothing left in there?? you can’t speak up and explain yourself, and if you try standing up for yourself you’re either shouted down or you’re punished for being disrespectful

a fuckin example that i’m really pissed off about

a few months ago back in the fall, my sister was still home from college during labor day weekend. we were in the kitchen helping out my mom with preparing for lunch while my dad was on his laptop at the kitchen table. i was washing some herbs for bun rieu and my sister was sorting out the good leaves from the wilted ones. my dad started reading, in an obnoxious and condescending voice, some kind of headline from an article about ~millennials~ or something, idk. he then summarized the article, and my sister started getting a little annoyed. she said something vaguely defensive but respectful, if rather passionate, about how ~millennials~ were getting screwed over by a previous generation i don’t even remember if that was it idk it had something to do with millennials and baby boomers. anyways, my dad took offense and it devolved into him saying something about how millennials are entitled and selfish and she ended up going upstairs to cry in her room. i went upstairs to go check on her after i finished washing the herbs while my mom kept cooking. my sister was sitting on her bedroom floor with a box of tissues and crying, and her phone was there so i assume she was venting to her friends. we don’t really talk about this shit to each other just bc. yknow. handling it on your own is hard enough to process, and it’s a really heavy subject to talk about considering our sisterly bond is based on memes. anyways i sat with her and kinda awkwardly hugged her from behind and didn’t say anything bc like what the fuck do you even say in a situation like that

after a few minutes i went downstairs bc the food was done and i didn’t want to start more shit with my parents right after that mess. my mom asked if my sister was coming down to eat (she already knew the answer but it’s just routine) and i said no. i started setting the table and as i was doing that my dad came back into the kitchen from bumfuck nowhere (i seriously have no idea where he was at that point) and seemed calmer. he also asked if my sister was coming down to eat and made a disgusted little snort when i said “no, she’s crying.” at that point i started crying and choking too because holy FUCK this was one hell of a stressful period. i’ll spare you the details but i ended up calling him out on being an ass. he reluctantly apologized to ME for how he was acting towards HER, as if he could automatically redeem himself with a half-assed apology and immediate 180˚ attitude change, and i said “i’m not the one you should be talking to.” over lunch, he tried to spin the story as if my sister had been ~disrespecting him~ and he was ~standing up for himself~ but my mom joined on on my behalf. she also called him out on shouting people down for disagreeing with him, but he also tried to deny that. in the end he said he would apologize to my sister. idk if that ever actually happened.

there was another incident where my dad barged into my sister’s (a few months before the previous one) and started screaming at her for having a messy room.

i got real fuckin pissed at him for that and wrote him an email bc i didn’t trust myself to confront him directly.

Dear Dad,

I would like to address the disagreement we had over the state of both mine and [sister’s] rooms.

I will preface this by saying that I mean absolutely no disrespect in anything that I say here, even it may seem so because this is written rather than spoken. I apologize if you take any offense at what I say. I sincerely do not mean any disrespect.

I do not deny that our rooms are messy. I realize this, and will clean mine when I get home after school. I can guarantee that. It is true that both mine and [sister’s] rooms should be kept clean, and should currently be in a far cleaner state than they currently are. I completely agree with you on that front. I also agree that your and Mom’s room is always neat and tidy. I will not dispute these points, because they are true.

However, I do not agree that women should be held to a higher standard of hygiene than men. As one who believes in equal rights, I believe that women and men should be held to the same standards of cleanliness– that is to say, all people, regardless of gender, should absolutely be clean. There is no need for women to be especially clean, because everybody should be clean. I recognize that I contradict myself, given the state of my room. I do not believe myself to be an exception to the rule; I recognize that I should strive to stay organized.

Last night, when you and Mom came into [sister’s] room, you both pointed out how messy it was. All four of us agree that it is messy. You then proceeded to say that she should be neater, especially because “you’re a girl.” I do agree that both [sister] and myself should be cleaner. However, when we tried to defend ourselves, you did not listen to everything we had to say.

I realize that myself and [sister] may have been rude in our response. I apologize for my rudeness; I intended only to express my own thoughts on gender equality. I was not trying to dispute the fact that the parents’ room is clean, and the the children’s rooms are not.

You have always raised us to defend our own beliefs, and to stand up for each other. At dinner, two hours previously, you told us that we should always remain true to ourselves and what we believe in. When we tried to do just that, you became angry with us for reasons that we could not understand at that moment in time. You refused to listen to our opinions, and that made us feel dismissed and upset. It made us feel as though you did not consider our opinions valid. I know that you did not intend to affect us in this way, but the fact still stands that we both feel hurt over this ordeal. I am not upset that you raised your voice; I am upset that you went against the very ideals that you have raised us with.

I write this email on behalf of both [sister] and myself, and everything we believe in. I am truly sorry if this message has in any way conveyed disrespect. That is the exact opposite of my intention. I write this email to you because I respect you and the lessons you have taught us both. Thank you very much for having read this to the end.

Sincerely, [my name]

about 90% of that was bullshit and sarcasm, but i had to pretend to respect him otherwise i would get my ass kicked.

his reply?

Hi [my name],

I’ve always taught you to stand up for your beliefs and am very happy that you feel enough conviction to send me this email. I noticed that you apologize quite a bit throughout. Just remember, only apologize when you feel that you did something wrong. Be polite and respectful, but be firm about it, and don’t apologize for everything.

About last night, I’ll admit that I was wrong, and for that, I apologize. I should not say or imply that *only* girls should be clean, or girls should be cleaner than boys. We all should be clean and strong – physically, mentally, emotionally – regardless of gender.

Having said that, I was upset with your sister (and to a lesser extent, you) last night. Not so much about what was said, but more about what I perceived as an attitude that “since you are biased with girls vs. boys, I just won’t clean my room”. This was unacceptable, and I was tired, so I wanted to end all debates before I say something that would make you girls more upset, or something that I may later regret. There is a time for debate, and a time to “just do what your parents tell you to do”.

The message was clear – the rooms were messy, permeated a foul odor, and needed to be cleaned!

You and your sister are both old enough and intelligent enough to realize that our appearance and cleanliness are reflections of our character and how we are as people. Poor personal hygienes and messy/smelly rooms are obvious signs of someone who is lazy and has little self-respect. I don’t want my girls to be or be seen as those type of people.

We can talk more about gender inequality at dinner tonight. Just remember the reality that we do not live in a fair world. The only way you can rise above the race and gender bias, and someday effect change, is to be smarter, tougher, and more educated than those that are biased against you.

what a fucking condescending asshole lmao

there were a shit ton of other incidents that were more extreme than these that also ended up making hate car rides but anyways!!!!

anyways i’m bitter, traumatized, and very fucking terrified of being like him

/////

oh my god, the part where you had to cross your arms and bow to parent and apologize for what you did wrong and thank them for hitting you is infuriating!!! it's so fucking sadistic and sick!!! they were having a slave fantasy with their children, and it's such huge psychological damage to the child, to be humiliated and forced to bow to the person who abuses and beats them, i'm disgusted! and re-defining their own actions when you call them out is so pathetic and shitty, like insisting they're not yelling when they are, fucking liars. also messy rooms are normal and should be a fucking right, and what the fuck is with holding women to higher standard of hygiene, that's sick and sexist!

and by his reply it's completely clear that he's a sociopath. this way of manipulative writing, where he acts like he can do whatever he wants bc he can sweet-talk his way out of taking responsibility and pretend that he's perfectly reasonable and in the right, this is fucking dangerous. i hate people like this more than anything, manipulative, sociopathic, eloquent talkers, who are impossible to depict to others as abusive no matter how sick and sadistic they get.

#trigger warning #emotional abuse #beatings #victim blaming #abusive parents #gaslighting #graphic #sexism #submission

5 notes · View notes