#(except not really because what neils doing is grieving. Idk if i have a word for whatever pierres doing)

[cultivatingyourfuture]

OK BRAIN WORM NUMB R ONE. WHAT WAS THE THING WITH NEIL N PIERRE ABOUT DYING AND COMING BACK THE SAVE VS LIVING WRONG

i went through. my entire got damn blog trying to figure out WHAT you were referring to where the hell i had said this. and then realized it was the 3rd most recent reblog. im so smart and organized guys

so in reference to this post

essentially you can read it as either neil or pierre, but the perspective of WHO is saying this definitely changes.

for neil, the dying and coming back refers to the cyborg process and the fact that neil has the very unique situation of... being used for intermittent testing for about a year. And then being shut off and kept in essentially storage for about 6-8 years after that. where he was unconcious and did not age at all. so when he gets out, its still just a teenage boy, but suddenly everyone is so much older and everything is different and not only is eveline older shes also. not her anymore. which is not new ground here ajdjdhfjf

but its also worth noting that neil does not get the near instantaneous reconciliation that he did with cherry in WTTW, because cherry is dead. for at least 10 months. so it spends that time not knowing why cherry came to RR or who they are now or anything of the sort. so like if i had to do a line by line breakdown itd look like:

-"i died but i came back exactly the same" neil has not significantly aged and is around the same age he was when eveline knew it

-"you though, i came back and you were wrong" neil is the same. eveline is very much not. it has been a much shorter time

-"did the fact of my dying really damage you this much?" neil doesnt know WHY evelines so different and wonders if them being ripped apart the way they were had anything to do with it

-"was bringing me back worth what it cost you?" neil thinking the reason any of this happened is because eveline came back for him, and it cost her her life. (also the fact that haha um neil is. Kind of the one who kills cherry. oopsie!)

-"would it have been better to just leave me?" neil sees all the new people in their life that they dont know and feels guilty over the idea that He was (as far as he knows. because no one ever tells the kids anything except for vallen but shhh) the reason eveline went back, died, and left all of her friends to clean up the aftermath of it all. tldr neil blames himself for everything bad that happened to cherry and it fucks him up bc i cannot give that boy a moment of peace

pierre is a lot more straightforward. imagine some visage of eveline saying this shit to him. "bringing me back" is less about being brought from the dead and more about, like. taking someone by force and bringing them back home.

pierre sees the moment "eveline" escaped left as the big turning point of his life, when everything having to do with his future life became a lot less clear and what was left of his morals went down the drain in pursuit of Maybe Having Her Back One Day and as such he DOES wonder what may have happened had he just... let her be. so he lives in guilt over what happened because it went So So Wrong and because shes gone with next to no chance of seeing her again and not. the obvious reason he should feel guilt over eveline.

the more things change etc etc

#lies in a pile. On the ground. forever #neil #pierre #meta #worst comparison i could EVER make between these two and it is in VERY DIFFERENT WAYS #but neil and pierre both have issues understanding that eveline is gone and that cherry is not her. although they do understand that - #something Has fundamentally changed. #though neil is upset and frustrated by it because his sister DIDNT come back for him she DIDNT know he was even there #and this person ISNT HER but all of evelines love for him is in them for some reason but its not the same. it just isnt. #but he at least tries to understand how this happened and tries to connect with cherry where he can because. he's still grieving. #evelines been dead for 10 years but hes only been without her for a few months. its not an easy adjustment #pierre on the other hand. his reaction to cherry isnt to make an attempt to connect with this new person or anything #(which yaknow. thank god) but its to 'fix' eveline. to bring her back. #hes still got her memories. all he'd have to do is delete whatever files have filled their place and put them back in. #theres parallels her. both characters are in their own ways grieving and frustrated and upset about the fact that #yeah. shes gone. and this is not her. #but where neil tries to at least understand this new person who he can still see eveline in AND see this new happier person as well #pierre would rather hold onto what was and would effectively kill cherry if it meant having eveline back #yakno. grief and embracing the future vs living in the past and allthat #(except not really because what neils doing is grieving. Idk if i have a word for whatever pierres doing) #i doubt anyones gonna read this far soo uhh im also gonna say. something something ocarina of time on that one neil plot point #asks #down-thedrain

[badacts]

more kid Kevin au? maybe the first day when Neil had Kevin's custody? Scarry thing to sign those papers, maybe he's insecure that he and Andrew aren't going to last, it's a really big step and they didn't even talk about it, it just happened, baby Kevin clinging to Andrew's shirt when he has to take a break from all of this responsibility. idk bee just break my heart in tiny million pieces. ily

hahahahaAHHAHAHAHAHAH

When it comes to dealing with death and its fallout, Andrew and Neil are far better adapted than most. 

This isn’t like anything else though. Not even close.

When Kayleigh asked Neil to be Kevin’s guardian if anything happened to her, she’d been clever about it. She waited until he’d spent enough time with Kevin for it to be more of a question of whether he was willing to take on Kevin, his friend’s child, instead of a child he had never met when he knew nothing about children.

He and Andrew had talked it over carefully, but it was never anything more than hypothetical. Kayleigh was young, fit and healthy, barely older than Neil and vivaciously full of life. The issue of guardianship was just a matter of loose ends, and making sure that Kevin would always be safe.

Was is the operative word.

The first day is the hardest. They don’t have any of Kevin’s things. Kevin won’t stop crying, frightened in an unfamiliar place without his mother. Neil is shell-shocked, reeling with his new reality - Kayleigh, dead. Her child, in every way her male miniature, here with them for good.

Without Andrew he would be lost. He’s always been better with kids, a natural where Neil fumbles. He stays with Kevin while Neil drives to Kayleigh’s apartment and tries to figure out what Kevin needs. He puts Kevin down for the night. He also gets up with Neil when Kevin wakes, blinking sleep away, despite the fact that Neil was awake anyway.

It’s his inconsolable crying that makes Neil’s hands shake. Not the fact that he’s committed to a tiny human being now until that human hits eighteen at least, but the fact that he can’t explain anything to this defenceless baby who is just confused and afraid and yet too young to grieve.

Neil doesn’t wear uncertainty well. He’s gotten unused to feeling like this. More fool him - he should have learned by now that when he gets complacent, life has a way of correcting him. 

Andrew, who doesn’t even seem to know the meaning of the word ‘uncertain’, steps in just like he always does.

For the first week, Neil keeps trying to work as well, in part because he knows Kayleigh would never have forgiven him for getting slack over her. It doesn’t work not because of Neil’s mindset - he’s a master of compartmentalisation - but because he’s sleeping maybe two hours a night between Kevin’s late-night crying jaunts and his own insomnia.

His head coach pulls him aside on the fourth day. “Josten, I mean this is in the nicest possible way, but you’re banned from this court until the lead-up to the Seattle game.”

“That’s at least two weeks,” Neil replies. It’s meant to be an exclamation, but he honestly doesn’t have the energy for it.

“I’m aware of that.” Steinham crosses his arms. “I have a vested interest in making sure my top scorer can throw in a straight line for that game.”

“There’s another game before that.”

“If we can’t beat the Panthers with you on the bench you should probably get your agent to find you a better team,” Steinham says. “Josten. Neil. I remember what having a baby is like, and that was without…look. Just take the time and run with it. Your partner will be grateful.”

Neil opens his mouth for another robotic reply, then closes it, nods, and leaves.

He probably shouldn’t be on the road, because when he pulls into his space in their parking lot he has no memory of the trip at all. He even takes the elevator up to their floor.

The first thing he notices when he walks inside the apartment is how quiet it is. There’s a half-unpacked grocery bag on the kitchen bench, and a cupboard hanging open. Andrew’s phone is lying beside it. His wallet and keys aren’t in their usual place.

The absence of crying is more than startling - it’s actually frightening. Or maybe Neil’s bar is just low right now. 

Neil goes for the spare bedroom first, where Kevin’s crib is set up. He can’t quite explain why his heart is in his throat. The first sight of Kevin sprawled on his back with his tiny fists curled up isn’t enough to soothe him - he leans closer and watches the sleep-slow bob of his chest until he can breathe a bit easier himself.

The baby is fine. Neil closes the door soundlessly behind him and goes to the balcony, which is empty. So is his head, until he pushes into their room and sees Andrew lying on the bed.

He’s still wearing his coat. His keys are beside him on the mattress. With his eyes closed the dark circles carved into his face are more than obvious, cutting down into his cheeks. He looks exhausted.

Neil’s heart, done pounding, shivers somewhere in the bottom of his stomach. 

When he leaves the room he takes the baby monitor off of the dresser on the way past and closes the door behind him. The part of him that wants to lie down too is ruthlessly shut down by the idea that…where he has been, anyway? Playing a sport?

He puts away the groceries, then steps out onto the balcony with the monitor in his pocket. There’s a packet of cigarettes and a lighter lying on the table, but Neil’s first thought when he looks at them is that he’ll have to put them away so Kevin can’t get into them. Sacrifice. Something like that.

He rests his crossed forearms on the metal of the handrail, then drops his forehead on them. 

He’s not sure how long it’s been when he hears Kevin stir through the monitor and start to make unhappy noises. He slips back inside and goes to him before he can get louder, and finds him standing up in his crib on wobbly legs and sniffling.

Kayleigh emailed Neil a picture of Kevin pushing himself up on the couch to stand for the first time barely weeks ago. Now she’s going to miss him taking his first steps, and everything else-

Kevin reaches a hand to Neil, lower lip quivering. Neil sweeps him up and curls him into his arms before that can progress to wailing.

Neil’s sympathy has never been anything to write home about. His self-pity is much more remarkable. That and the way Kevin clings to him is enough to make his eyes burn. He closes them and rocks in the sway which is already becoming second nature, swallowing.

A familiar hand clenches tight about the back of his neck and stays there.

After a moment, Neil says, “You should have kept sleeping.” His voice sounds rough, but it doesn’t crack.

The hand squeezes tight and then releases. Andrew doesn’t say anything, but Neil is helpless to do anything but follow him when he leaves the room. 

“I’m staying,” he bursts out halfway into the living room, coming to a stop. “For a couple of weeks.”

Andrew drops onto the couch and looks at him. “Alright.”

“I should have stayed,” Neil says. “I told you I wouldn’t run.”

That was so long ago now that it’s fogged in Neil’s memory, the way even the strongest good memories do where bad memories are always crystal clear. It had nothing to do with Kevin, nothing to do with anything except the two of them and the shadow of Neil’s long-dead father.

“You aren’t running,” Andrew replies. He still looks tired, but there’s an animation to his face that fills the hollows of his cheeks, turns him regularly implacable.

Kevin wriggles in a request to be put down, and then crawls for the pile of toys Neil threw onto the area rug Allison gave them when they moved here because ‘a nice apartment demands nice furniture, boys’. Neil watches him, for a moment exactly like the baby he knew who visited instead of lived here, and swallows.

When he looks up, Andrew is still watching him. “You’re not going anywhere. None of us is.”

Neil would like to say that Andrew seeing to the heart of whatever Neil is feeling and saying it out loud before Neil can recognise it in himself is a recent thing, but it’s always been the case.

It’s not a promise. It’s not faith. It’s realism, based on probability. Neil guesses even they can only get so unlucky.

#the foxhole court #andreil #kid kevin au #my fic #minor character death #Anonymous #andrew doesn't lose his shit until like a month later #because being in a couple means taking turns for emotional breakdowns where possible #kid kevin verse