#(tldr me: oh i love romance! *doesnt know what that is*)

[abyssmalice]

(hmmmmmm having some thonkies :V

nothing bad, just something ive been thinking on for a bit today and also i am Sweepy so its not gonna sound coherent. anyway point is its nothing bad just Sweepy Thonky ft. interactions)

(i have mentioned this absolutely nowhere bc its utterly irrelevant to mention and also havent ever really been in a situation where i had to mention it BUT ANYWAY i identify as quoiromantic

which if you dont know what that is: its a label on the aro spectrum, and has a couple of different definitions tbh, but the most common one is that a person can't tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings. in general, all definitions of quoiromantic have some aspect of "can't identify romance/romantic feelings/romantic relationships".

for me, the definition of quoiromantic i subscribe to is a person who can't identify romance, in the sense that the Concept of romance is inapplicable or non-understandable

which is a very elaborate way of saying: i don't get it. you ask me to describe what a romance is or what romantic feelings should feel like or what a romantic relationship should look like and i wouldnt know!!!!!!! i have no answers for that bc its like asking me to explain literal rocket science or quantum physics!!!!!!! i have NO understanding of it, its outright 100% incomprehensible, i would even say its illogical to me if a majority of people ive ever seen werent on the aro spectrum and thus can have romantic relationships which Should Mean romance and the process of experiencing it is like, a thing, with steps, and a logic to it. or Something. i dont know.

"ok but what does this have to do with rp" so like i had a passing thought while preparing to snork mimimimi myself into bed and it was along the lines of "ok what if my preferences for character development - not even ships, just pure chara dev - is rooted in how i dont know how romance works at all so i dont really pursue ship interactions from the get-go + want to start at a platonic stage bc From What I Have Read, the best romances have a strong platonic foundation + apparently a romance is..... life changing? character-changing? so a character changing/developing from interacting with someone is........ Potentially able to reach a romantic status? maybe ill figure out the romance that way??????"

or something. i think? idk it was a passing thonky and unfortunately i do not Know and at the end of the day, i do like holding up my muses like little dolls just to go "look!!!!!!!! are they fun??? play with them??" like im overall just here to write my little intricate dolls for pure funsies over any deeper reasoning, but eh. its a thonkie)

#ooc | (written and loved and forgotten); #(tldr me: oh i love romance! *doesnt know what that is*) #(being on the aroace spectrum is so very fun you know /unclear tone bc where do i even describe how loaded that statement is)

[collisiondiscourse]

alright codi i need your opinion

is yuri on ice as good as people make it out to be? it’s been on my to-watch list forever and i’d like to know if i’m missing out on something

also history maker fucking slaps

HISTORY MAKER DOES FRICKIN SLAP AND I CAN TELL U FOR REALSIES THAT IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO WATCH IT AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME I WOULD!!!! but if u want a serious codi review.... *cracks knuckles*

yuri on ice is quite literally a ride. in my humble opinion, while it is short and at times a little cheesy, stands today as one of the most emotional pieces of media ive ever consumed.

my personal experiences at the time may bias my review, but i think that yuri on ice has an excellent grasp on creating fun and balanced charscters, and a good perception into what anxiety feels like. Yuuri Katsuki is an excellent protagonist and has such an incredible lense to view the story from that i think it stands as one of the best usages of unreliable narrator in mainstream media.

the plot is both insanely simple and heart clenchingly good, that even without the romance aspect youd be rooting for yuuri the WHOLE way. While i cant vouch for the actual sports aspect as i still fall over on my ass in the ice rink, i know that it has gotten the approval of SEVERAL professional skating legends like Jonathan Weir (who, btw, is one of the first openly gay international ice skaters in the world) and Evgenia Medvedeva (who i love very very much).

The scope YOI set up for issues under competitive sport and being a representative for your country are shockingly real and nuanced. As a person who HAS competed internationally and been described as a prodigy when I was younger, the narratives that followed Viktor, Yuuri, Yurio, and all the other characters were... very relatable. The character development that is shown alongside the raw flaws that every character started with were ones that do exist in society today and I think were excellently addressed.

In terms of the LGBTQ+ and romance aspect of the show—I think YOI is an excellent example of queer media. Aside from the fact that it is barely fetishized (at least not for fanservice), it explores the idea of sensuality and gender expression as something that is ACTUALLY SIGNIFICANT TO THE PLOT (see: Yuuri Katsuki's short skate performance Eros) rather than a 'quirky character trait' or gag. The romance is also excellently made in my opinion and aside with my very few pickings at its pacing—I think that Viktuuri was well developed and satisfying to see bloom. As a young questioning queer person at the time of watching (now proudly bi and gnc!) YOI was a hallmark for media that actually depicted being LGBTQ+ as a comfortable and NORMAL experience. There was little to absolutely NONE discrimination or mentions of homophobia, and it didnt hugely overshadow the plot of the anime itself which largely revolved around the development of Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov as both athletes and people. It was a reminder that LGBTQ+ media doesnt always have to be 'tragic' or 'realistic' in order to be popular.

tldr: If you're watching it purely for the romance, I dont recommend it because it is a sports anime through and through. HOWEVER yuri!!! on ice excellently handles character development, plot execution, and real world issues as an anime. It has EXCELLENT MUSIC that makes me feel so many things AND choreography that blesses my eyeballs whenever i happen upon it again AND a cast of characters that i loved so much that i still remember everyones names until now (n u can quote me on that)—drawing the conclusion that it really is deserving of at least some of its hype.

TLDR tldr; yes oh my god aj please watch it.

#codi calm down #asks #theyeeyeetbois #yuri on ice #yoi #yuri!!! on ice #codi.txt #codi gives advice #technically

[mattelektras]

*kneels before the altar, giving offerings to the Queen of Marvel Criticism* miss jessie...... i know youve seen endgame. please give us ur thoughts. ur wisdom

you really shouldn’t encourage me to be a bitch because i WILL do it and it WILL go to my head but here we go

first of all. if i may. sam wilson i would give my life for you…… the flying in front of the gold portal things looking like the angel that he is. giving sam the shield really was the only smart thing steve did this entire movie

speaking of. like i KNOW steve can weird mjolnir in the comics. but that steve is a very different person and shitting all over thor this entire movie and then giving steve his signature weapon is…. just…. insulting like….. it really diminishes who and what thor is to just have this dude pick up his weapon and just KNOW how to use it despite never having any training with anything even SLIGHTLY similar. I’m picky in comics about who can wield mjolnir and ever moreso in the mcu. just don’t like it ladies 

also steve conducting group therapy sessions??? this bitch is not qualified 

carol just wasn’t in the fucking movie lmao like…. they wrote out both of their main women and were like. oh thank god the men can SPEAK for once 

she just shows up when they need an easy out in the plot 

the vormir thing…. it was a very nat thing to do. like she would sacrifice herself like that and it did give me a glimpse of comic nat for the first time since cap 2. but she shouldn’t have HAD to, of all the people she shouldn’t have been the one because putting her against clint who’s more important because he has a family or whatever now, never mind the fact that he’s been beheading people here and there for years, when she has nothing and has tried so hard to be better is like… we’re really just gonna throw that all away. even the weak version of nat that mcc nat is didn’t deserve that. and her memorial was shit

i literally cannot even physically comprehend what they did to thor. all i have to say is he’s still a real one because he knows valkyrie’s made to be king of asgard

peter curling up on the ground when the missiles came down like…. god. honey sweetie baby im sorry i was ever mean about a third spiderman movie saga. i was right but still im sorry 

why was there sexy romance music playing when hulk met the ancient one like i straight up thought they were gonna fuck right there on the roof  and i cannot explain the emotion that gave me

hulk in general im fucking TERRIFIED…. THEY JUST MADE RUFFALO’S HEAD LIKE…… FUCKIN MASSIVE and why does he dress like an instagram influencer 

scott lang OUTSOLD. the only man with a brain int his movie

i dont like. CARE for mcu tony i think he’s over done but the mcu starting with ‘i am iron man’ and ending with it was a lot. i like comics tony a lot so it did give me a lil. emotion as it were. against my better judgement 

RESCUEEEEEEEE…. AND ONLY 10 YEARS TOO LATE 

tony’s kid was… adorable

it was the right time for tony to die, and the right death, i think. like i said i’ll be glad to not see rdj’s face anymore but it was a good death and rhodey and pepper being there and just kind of. KNOWING it was over for him was moving 

some of you dumbasses really thought the girl with the bow and arrow was gonna be kate… i love you but please use your brains this is the mcu

time travel just doesn’t work for me in movies that dont REVOLVE around time travel. it just feels like a special episode of a cartoon, and its a huge excuse to cop out . and u just end up with plotholes coming out of your eyeballs 

FUCK vision lives. he got the screen time he deserved 

valkyrie got her pegasus…….ethereal 

the women’s teamup at the end wasnt the moment it would have been if the mcu had given a fuck about their women from the start 

and again, wendy’s moment would’ve been a moment if she was actually wanda

STEVE YOU DUMBASS BITCH none of his ending meshes with ANYTHING else he’s done in the entire series. and as much as i dont give a fuck about peggy, it messes with her too like. she moved on she had a family, they both made peace with their ending. but everyone working on the movie obviously decided that the last 10 years isn’t really relevant and fuck sharon carter i suppose. let’s go w the most boring bitch alive 

“the lgbt character won’t be who you expect!!!!” do you think im a moron?????? as if i expected anything other than an unnamed character who just vaguely referenced dating a man. i will not be clowned this time nor ever again

was there….a little hint of carol/rhodey perhaps……. dont care for the ship in comics but i like mcu carol and god i want good things for rhodey

and speaking of. i would’ve preferred to have seen tony’s kid to have a moment with rhodey in the end instead of the other dude like. you’re telling me rhodey isn’t that kid’s godfather???? that pepper and rhodey aren’t gonna be the best platonic parenting duo since the dawn of time???

the thanos plot was dumb ass hell like. it relied ENTIRELY on him lucking out and finding nebula. that’s not a good big bad plot because he doesnt actually DO shit 

nebula is never gonna get the respect she deserves for what she did in this movie

tldr this all sounds very mean but it was definitely better than i thought it was gonna be. and better than the first half. were were some references back to the last 10 years that were really nice, and as much as i do criticise the mcu, its TEN years of my life so the callbacks were nice. they just… should’ve spent less time on them and more time on a plot and endings for their characters that make sense 

#endgame spoilers #anonymous #q & a

[dauntless-dragayn]

YA BOOKS RECS

Okay -cracks knuckles- im gonna rec yall some YA books because there are so many ive found over the years

@windycube this is for u

First of all ofc I gotta put in a word for Rick Riordan, this man literally raised me He has a LOT of series but i recommend Magnus Chase and The Gods of Asgard the most, one because its meant for slightly older audiences (the mc Magnus is 16/17) and two because its wAY more diverse than his older stuff (which i still love, dearly) like Percy Jackson and the Olympians and better written than the follow up series to PJO, Heroes of Olympus MCGA is about a kid who finds out he’s the son of a Norse god and that those gods are still around and kickin, but the world is ending aaaand him and his new friends have to stop it. Sounds cheesy and super typical but, Magnus is pretty different from most protags of this kind of stuff. He’s a healer not a fighter, and his strongest traits are compassion and teamwork rather than brute strength and violence (tho there is a lot of that. Violence. Kind of par for the course. You’ll see)

NEXT is Michael Grant, who Windy already mentioned. I cannot stress enough, how much I worship Grant’s story writing capabilities. If you want dark shit, READ HIS WORK. What a lot of people don’t realize is that he helped KA Applegate write the Animorphs series and.. Thats some of the darkest kids fiction out there. Grant wrote the GONE series, which is about a town where all of the adults (over like, 15 I think? Sorry its been a while) disappear and a giant impenetrable barrier appears around a small beach town. Chaos and horrifying violence ensues. This series will depress you even as you can’t stop reading it. The characters are gold. The twists are even better. He also wrote BZRK which is a trilogy set in the future where war is fought on the nanotech level. Admittedly its been years so I dont remember much, but its also very solemn and very unique. I’d say 16+ (teen protags)

Maggie Stiefvater. Another personal hero of mine, her prose is just.. Beautiful. Poetic. Magical. She has a few series and some novels. My favorites are The Raven Cycle (series of 4), All The Crooked Saints (novel) I cant even.. Explain what theyre about. Magic surrealism, young love, the darkness of the human mind.. Theyve got everything. If you’re intrigued please please give them a shot. 16+

Alright alright now for some lesser known stuff.

If you’re into vampires.. Monster stories… surviving high school… please for the love of gods, read The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd. I seriously don’t understand how this series isnt more popular. Zac Brewer is wonderful, I love him and his work sm. Tho, I think since this series is old its still under his deadname (Heather Brewer) Basically it’s about Vlad, a half human half vampire kid, dealing with high school bs but also being hunted down for his hybrid status and.. gAH its so good. Plenty of blood. The end has casualties and still makes me cry. Pls read it im begging you

If you’re a furry and/or into badass well written female protags.. Read Cry of the Icemark. ;3 It’s got magic, warfare, and have I mentioned Thirren the mc is BADASS????? (and no, its not all furries. But there is a race of leopard people whom i love dearly) By Stuart Hill, its one of my alltime favorites. I need to reread it again

Another older one is Pendragon. It is fuckin LONG, at 10 books total, about a ‘normal’ kid named Bobby Pendragon who finds out there are other dimensions in danger and that if they fall into chaos, the entire universe will. So he and a few other ‘Travelers’ set out to fix them even as a demon Traveler tries to fuck up their progress. Starts with Bobby at 14 but sees him grow up. Again.. I know it sounds super typical but what I love is that Bobby grows bitter. He’s not a golden keep saving the day sort of protag. I wont spoil; just check it out. By DJ MacHale

I have a feeling yall dont want to hear about romance but im a hoe for it so. Legend is a trilogy by Marie Lu set in a dystopian world (which im also a hoe for) where America is divided into two warring nations. One protag is Day, a poor thief who steals to keep his family alive. The other is June, who’s the best up and start soldier the Republic has. She’s pretty rebellious tho, so she can’t be reigned in until she’s sent to track down a murderer.. Day. excepthedidntactuallydoit Star crossed lovers. Fucked up America. My kinda tea.

If you want more dystopia that doesnt suck (because bOY a lot of it does) I’ll put in a word for Divergent. You’ve probably heard of it. Oh That Hunger Games Bootleg except not. Also it’s a trilogy but who cares. The first one is my only love

Switching gears back to romance uwu Carry On by Rainbow Rowell is gAY AND MAGIC! There’s a reason why everyone raves about it; best written romance I’ve ever had the pleasure to read. And I’ve read a lot. Plus, it’s getting a sequel in a few years! She also wrote Fangirl, as well as Eleanor and Park, two adorable novels.

Switching gears completely, lemme talk about Leigh Bardugo. She wrote Six of Crows, which is this ABSOLUTELY AMAZING heist/crime/action duology. Very diverse cast. A few lgbtq+ kiddos. She also wrote the Grishaverse series but I have not yet gotten around to reading it. From what Ive heard tho its just as good - a lot more about magic and monsters tho (set in the same universe!)

Wow okay im gonna stop because this is getting long but

TLDR;

basically any of Rick Riordan’s series

GONE by Michael Grant

anything by Maggie Stiefvater

The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd by Zac Brewer (who used to be known as Heather Brewer)

Cry of the Icemark by Stuart Hill

Pendragon series by DJ MacHale

The Legend trilogy by Marie Lu

Divergent by Veronica Roth

anything by Rainbow Rowell

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

thank you for reading my book nerd ramblings holy shit

#YA #YA recs #YA lit #dragon speaking

[wardencathiel]

EXILE

Name/gender/appearance/favorite hobby?

opele (pr. “opal”) endac! she goes by just Oh or Elle, if not just her first name. shes a cis girl, and tbh she mostly just looks like lucy liu cuz i got a big fat crush on her and i picked the east asian icon for her. she has a short bob haircut tho, and lean but muscular build, and is in her late 30s. her hobbies are like.. being active and running and stuff like that lol she also likes doing mindless work with her hands so lots of like tinkering with anything, like electronics or mechanical stuff.

Where are they from? Where are they going?

probably nowhere important, and she was too young to remember any part of it, parents included. a no name planet somewhere with a steady but boring colony. where shes going is a lot more interesting since she knows where revan might be.. i think she would really want to go find her and help her with whatever the war is but she would be lying to herself if she didn’t realize she formed a huge attachment to atton. she loves him dearly and it would be really hard to leave him.. if anything, i think the most realistic thing is that she and him went and settled somewhere, keep their heads low, and just live life. shes a tired bitch ok. mb one day she’ll go and find rev but rn she wants to chill.

What did they do to occupy themselves between the Mandalorian Wars and waking up on Peragus?

absolutely nothing. she spent a lot of time during her time cut off from the force just going thru the motions. if anyone noticed she was different or recognized her for whatever reason, she would pack up and leave. a large chunk of her time was spent trying not to form any social bonds, and any time she would start getting to know someone she would bolt. just overall a rly lonely and sad existence. she would work odd jobs and just generally be a shell of her former self.

What was their relationship with Revan like?

well i already sort of answered this in revs but. there was the intimidation cause revan is well............scary lol they are probably close in age so they grew up together in the temple. it was never anything more than a passing interest until the wars and then they sort of? hit it off? in that weird way where u both went thru that conflict together. obviously there was a bond since opeles force issues, but it was more on revans side than opeles. she was mostly just trying to win the war. tldr they liked each other but not as much as revan likes opele.

What was their relationship with Atris like?

well she had no clue atris had feelings for her so their relationship never went past a cold formality... opele thought atris hated her, so she stayed away from her when she could. she wasn’t the type to confront her about it so she just didn’t.

With Kreia?

lot to unpack here lol i think my exile wanted to trust her so badly but like... she knew she wasnt good. i think there was a lot of using, from both sides. kreia wanted to use the exile for obvs. reasons, and my exile wanted to use kreia to relearn all that she had lost during her exile. i do think, though, that kreia probably felt more towards opele than the other way around. like there was definitely like an attachment but... she always knew not to get too close, no matter how much she wished she could. overall i think it was an uneasy relationship, lots of tension but much more learning from one another.

Did they travel with both Mical and Brianna, or only one?

just mical cause i forgot to install the mod, unless there was a way u could w/o the mod?? either way yeah lmao just mical.

Do they regret what they did in the Wars?

part of her always will but she wouldn’t change what she did because she believes that it was necessary. shes... guilty but not very regretful.

How traumatized were they by the visions on Korriban? (Personally, I cried and screamed, but I’m not exactly as tough as a Jedi. I’m probably not even as tough as C-3P0.)

LIKE... personally i was fucked up about it but my exile did pretty well despite the circumstances. she also knew that there was a part of it all that was just visions, wasn’t real, but there is also that very real dark energy gained from not dealing with the visions correctly. she failed some, and won in others, which i think the specifics of really defined her well as a character. she failed the first one- where she was being recruited for the war. she also failed the one where her entire crew was going against kreia, and outright refused to participate and got the whole apathy spiel. she “survived” the rest though, and defeated revan which i think rly ties in well with her almost like? using the dark side? but not falling to it.

Is there romance in their lives?

i’d like to think during their time in the game, there isn’t anything more than an inkling. i luv atton to bits and so does she lol but i think a lot of their romantic stuff is left for after the game- especially with that ending where he’s there waiting for her after kreia and is like so where to next ;w; but before that it is mostly just skirting around the issue. a very slow burn fic lol. i do think she thought about the disciple but he was so much younger than her and it was such a puppy love, it was just like well that dudes in love with me i guess. obvs. nothing before that since she was jedi/exiled

Light side or dark side?

light side, but she was very close to being a grey jedi by the end of it. definitely lighter than my revan post-game tho

How do they feel about the Jedi Order?

there is always going to be that element of betrayal because of what they withheld from her and what they did to her irt her loss of the force for some time. but honestly... she was done with them the moment they didn’t do anything to stop the war. she respected their judgement and teachings but she never considered herself a jedi after they kicked her out, and she never will again. she also thinks they got a lot of it wrong- and that a lot of what kreia said made sense, up until a point.

What happens to them after the game? Do they ever find Revan? Do they ever reconnect to the Force?

i sorta answered this one up there too but basically she stays with atton and just . rly wants to stay put and have a normal life but in the end.. i think she would go to find revan. i also think she would take atton with her, against her better judgement. as for reconnecting tbh? i think it stays how it is with her, where she can use it but there is something there thats fucked up, not right. maybe she tries to figure that out and travels around with atton to get some answers before going to help rev.

BONUS: What do you think happens to all the party members post game?

HMN GOD well i think bao dur got the short end of the stick since hes super unfinished but i think he would definitely go with them until opele is like dude i love u so much but u gotta find ur own way that doesnt involve me. she would have to put distance between them, despite the pain it would cause both of them since they were like... best fucken friends. for everyone else i think, they go their separate ways much quicker than him. they stay in touch cause opele loves them all but she knows its better to keep them away from her because of her force shit. i think miras and the disciples “endings” are pretty good even with the openishness. canderous goes back to do mandalore stuff but stays in touch as well. honestly i dont have a clue about goto and neither does the exile lmao t3, of course, stays with her and atton. hk runs off and does bounty hunter stuff. idk i mostly think about bao dur in this cuz i love him and he deserved better

#kotor character meme #kotor 2 #the exile #star wars #knights of the old republic 2 #chelsea speaks #OK HERES MY OTHER BABY #opele

[charismat1c-megafauna]

Long boring post ahead abt my queer journey bc i feel like blabbin

Idk i just feel like talking about this but... I probably went through damn near every label.

At 11 i was like wow hot diggity girls sure are prettier than guys. Im gay.

At 12 wow you know what theres a lot of cute guys. Im bi!

At 13, wow i sure do look better when i flatten my chest and do my hair this way! But still a girl lol! Also im probably ace but im not dealing with that because just thinking of the things people have said about it makes me want to die. Maybe when the time comes ill be able to just leave my body so ppl wont leave me. Also i was pressured into a romantic relationship by an abusive friend and i figured hey maybe... Romance... Is ok... And it felt weird.

At 14 eh probably pan? Ace is at the back of my head tho. But gender??? What even is that.

15 im like "ok im asexual" and straight up thats... The only label i used. No modifier, no romantic orientation, didnt even know if there was a good word for it. Pressured into another abusive relationship with the explicit goal of fixing me and i went with that bc i hated myself lol i seriously thought wow if im ace my life is bad and its gonna be bad forever.

At 16 "hey sometimes i like girl clothes and sometimes i like guy clothes... Genderfluid???"

At 17: abusive friend thinks boys are yucky uwu youre not a boy are you and im like... Im gender neutral and use they them and have days where i feel like being feminine or masculine but i dont like she her... But he him is... Huh. That feels good. Also i think im ace but i like girls?

At 18 yeah nope im a demiguy i love being feminine sometimes clothes have no gender i am free and... Panromantic ace? I think i feel the same way about everybody!

At 19 huh... Maybe... Demi-panromantic asexual... Maybe i havent met the right person yet!

At 20: im gray romantic maybe? I think im attracted to people but... In theory... Also wow yeah theres a lpt of pretty girls but theres a few guys and nb folk who are FUCKIN STUNNING oh hey aesthetic attraction is a thing.... Oh wow... Turns out im aro. But i like romantic activities? And relationships? I just dont experience romantic attraction? Kinda like aces who like sex? And i thrive with multiple significant others... Idk abt girls but they still pretty.

At 21 yup its me the big weird demi dude comin at ya with the high heels and star dress on monday and the flannels and jeans on tuesday boy howdy it sure is a good day to be queer. Also im a polyamorous aro ace who likes cute couples shit and s.o. relationships and if im gonna be with anybody theyre gonna be a dude or nb.

Turns out i was kinda... Somehow having weird coercive heterosexuality shit despite not knowing i was a dude like... Somehow i had it in my head that bc i was masculine i guess i like girls. I mixed up gender expression with gender itself. I thought that maybe this was what romantic attraction felt like until i realized its... Not.

Idk this is boring dont read but tldr even if tou go thru god knows how many labels youre gonna figure your shit out one day and its gonna be ok and just bc you change labels doesnt mean its necessarily a phase. Those labels were a good home for me when i was there, and an important step on my journey.

[thesanguinecrow]

I haven't really seen any of your personal posts but I am curious and would like to know, if it isn't any trouble

it isnt trouble im just glad someones interested bc i usually feel rly annoying this will get to the song point i promise but here goes tldr at the bottom. so it all started when my friend who i had only met a few months ago went out of his way to talk to me bc like we were relatively far appart. we were going to first period and he yells to me “get to class rose!” and i jokingly flip him off then he yells back “mines bigger” and we go on our ways. i hadent given it much thought at the time but now i see it as just the start of him trying to get closer to me. after that there wasnt much more conversation. then one day after school has ended he snapchats me out of no where and im like ?? ok and we start talking and hes sharing his antics and im just in amazement bc my life is pretty boring n he’s out here stayin in vegas alone (oh btw im gonna be a high school senior and hes gonna be a sophmore im a lil uncomf. with our grade gap but im not actually sure of his age but ik its not more than 2 years n age smooths out with time and im not interested in doing anything sexual atm even kissing would be rly pushing it) anyway be tells me a personal detail about himself ide rather not disclose but shows hes comfortable opening up to me. we sent eachother back and forth snaps of us making funny smooshed faces and stuff like that like i trust you not to screenshot and post this everywhere kinda face. soon after that wich was around the fourth of july he went off to camp and didn’t have his phone. i didn’t know he didn’t have/couldn’t use it and this whole time I’m freaking tf out and im here thinking OH MAH LORD WHAT IF HE DIED and internally sobbed. then after being sent home bc he broke his hand he gets back on sc and im like I THOUGHT YOU DIED ARE YOU OKAY!!!????!!?!?! and ever since then it’s been wishy washy bc he wouldn’t go on snapchat for hours and ik bc he has his location turned on on the map and it wasnt there. hes told me he doesnt have his phone which i regret not asking why but i assume his mom takes it or somrthing like oh its bad to be on it 24/7 somethin like that. hes also sent me pics of his torso but these increased post camp. he even sent one and captioned it “i felt hot in this one” and another 2 focusing on his mucles (hes not the most muscular but its noticeable hes got some) i think on sunday he was on and i sent a snap of me with my hair tied up in the front like a unicorn horn and my hair is like 6 and a half inches (17 cm) so its sticking up adding to the horn effect. then he sends me a snap back saying “well im single” and im like “me too” and hes just like *sigh* if only there was something i could do about it kinda sigh and im like “hey wanna hang at the beach wednesday anf hes like yeah but we never set a time before he didnt have his phone and all day wednesday me all shaved up (bc dysphoria and falling to societal beauty standards plus i wanted to wear my white short shorts with out my jungle creepin out mah butt cheecks and upper thighs lowkey mad i cant figue out how to tuck but i was gonna deal and do my best) i got my brows did my skin was doin ok and he wasnt on all day and i had a limited time frame to hang bc the beach is relatively far from where i live andi cant drive or have a car or get a ride and my mom doesnt trust me in uber or public transportation and idek bus schedules or how that works so i had to go with my mom to her job to then go to the beach bc they’re close to eachother but no meeting time set we dont hang i slowly steep into a pitty party and im like ok mood is sad woe is me then today i decide to stay home and seep into this poison of negativity and he snaps me if i wanna go to the mall and im here ready to throw myself of a cliff while on fire bc i had gone with my mom every day but today and im like well f*ck sh*t im so deeply upset and saw the potential to hang today and i feel so at fault for staying home the one day we could hang and nope. i hate having these feelings bc i have reason to believe he likes me and bc of that i ended up liking him back and it irritates me that we cant have consistent conversation and its just like when ever he happens to have his phone. i dont like when i catch feelings, form a crush, become infatuated and i say infatuated bc ik its not something as deep as love i dont know much about him but i do care for him. he blacked out bc of his diabetes and i was really concerned for him and i honestly feel like the mom friend sometimes. but i just want to get to know him and see if it leads beyond infatuation. whenever i get infatuated its often hard core and i have vivid images of us at the beach but also not. like its just me alone no boardwalk no docks no pier just me ocean sa d and sun. i dont like feeling so out of controll its overwhelming and suffocating. i like to believe im a hard cold b*tch whos in controll of my emotions but im not. i can be apathetic but romance just stikes me to my core and i hate it that my feelings always feel or are one sided like ik no one is obligated to like me back but it seems like he does like me. i dont care but do care, deeply, at the same time its a mess and i hate having these negative feelings its like poison in my soul its heavy and petrifying. my tarot readings have been discouraging but my pendulum readings have said he likes me (i havent done a pendulum in the past few days but it still seems like he does) idk i guess im clingy and i feel like i annoy ppl a lot and with the song cut to the feeling its like cut to the feeling i wanna play where you play with the angles i wanna wake up with you all in tangles no more hesitation this is on not in order but you get the picture i didnt really pay much attention to the lyrics bc i think its a great sounding song as with most of my music but then i started to sing (terribly) and learn the lyrics and i wanna be in a relationship but when i think about it and im put in the situation it could happen i panic like suddendly everything is moving so fast and sometimes i even start trembling and shaking and i dont wanna rush into things so fast but i still love the song but now all i can think about is this whole situation and the song only presses it. i asked him how he feels about me and im waiting for a response. idk im just not feelin too good and this is really bringin me down and i could get over it and be done or at least i believe i could but i dont want to.. anyway yeah the song is pressing these sore spots in my emotional mess and its makin me sad sorry this is so long but im glad someone cared to hear

TLDR: im an emotional mess bc i cant talk to my crush often and had missed and failed chances to hang out. i wanna see where things go but not rush into things and cut to the feeling is a good song but its poking at these tender feelings.