#(weve never seen 72)

[wall-e-gorl]

Tumblr can I have polls pretty pretty please with a cherry on top I want to join in on the blorbo polls soooooo badly

#i want to know uc tumblrs favorite sk........ sk-73 sk-42 sk-69 or the elusive sk-72 #(weve never seen 72)

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

#chatty tag #WHEW

[hypereactive]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my best friend

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend

4. Are you easy to get along with? depends. i try to be, but im also REALLY picky/have strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and im autistic..

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? yeah

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? a caring one, who listens before judging

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yeah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my best friend

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably my best friend

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “o”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhm. I like A LOT of songs.

billie ellish- bury a friend and you should see me in a crown

rag’n’bone man - human

rebel - black pearl (hes a pirate)

Aladdin soundtrack - Prince Ali and one jump ahead

arctic monkeys - Do I wanna know?

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? rarely

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yea

15. What good thing happened this summer? new job, in my field of study

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yepp

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probs at least simple life

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? only if I run into him getting coffee (he works there)

19. Do you like bubble baths? if im in the mood

20. Do you like your neighbors? one i do, one i absolutely dont, the rest i dont interact w

21. What are you bad habits? im REALLY picky, and can come off as ungrateful (if u can’t do it right id rather u just not do it. apparently its more common to think at least you got something/they tried.)

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere w the right people. Nowhere without.

23. Do you have trust issues? kinda. More like I understand people wont understand me or meet my needs adequately.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning coffee

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin/teeth

26. What do you do when you wake up? if I have ResponsibilitesTM i get up and get coffee and leave the house in less than 20 min, otherwise i lay in bed on tumblr until i have to get up due to responsibilities or hunger.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? im good w where its at tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? yeah

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? lol yesss

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?

33. Spell your name with your chin. bdfuds

34. Do you play sports? What sports? not really. i like frisbee and longboarding if those count.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. I cant keep secrets.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usu dont. ill just go on my phone/leave/etc

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my best friend. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? hot topic

40. What do you want to do after high school? lol im not in high school

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did and why, and if they want to grow as a person/make it right

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im tired/overwhelmed/content/bored

43. Do you smile at strangers? if i lock eyes with them and they smiled, i might smile back, but im pretty good at Not Looking At People

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ResponsibilitiesTM

46. What are you paranoid about? having a heart attack and no one being around to help me/not noticing until its too late

47. Have you ever been high? yea

48. Have you ever been drunk? yea

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? no, but i have wished my parents were

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my chin probs. idk i like myself

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont wear makeup

54. Favourite store? this is a duplicate question.

55. Favourite blog? uhm.

56. Favourite colour? black/grey/light pink/raspberry/celery green

57. Favourite food? cheese, cheddar brats, spinach, chocolate chip cookies, milkshakes

58. Last thing you ate? rice w beef, spinach, egg and soy sauce

59. First thing you ate this morning? coffee and nutella

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I think so but i cant remember. Oh i think I won an anti-bullying poster competition once.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? lol nopee

62. Been arrested? For what? no

63. Ever been in love? few times now

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? uh. no. cuz i didnt even like the dude.

65. Are you hungry right now? no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i only have one real friend so I feel like thats unfair

67. Facebook or Twitter? tumblr.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? still tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? no, bc hed not appreciate it

71. Craving something? What? not rn

72. What colour are your towels? grey or floral w pinks and blacks and oranges

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, usu. 2

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? total? uh. 8?

75. Favourite animal? birbs prob.

76. What colour is your underwear? why?

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate, unless its ice cream. then vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? berry (any) or cheesecake (also any)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey

80. What colour pants? a darker grey

81. Favourite tv show? uh. i like sherlock.

82. Favourite movie? deadpool probs. or pirates of the Caribbean. or Aladdin. or detective pikachu.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? never seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? n/a

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? uhm. I cant remember. Probs the black and white one w the scar, or the starfish, or the sea gull

87. First person you talked to today? my sister

88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend

89. Name a person you hate? my past roommate

90. Name a person you love? my best friend

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? my past roommate and most recent ex

92. In a fight with someone? currently? no? ever? yes.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 6

95. Last movie you watched? i dont know

96. Favourite actress? i dunno

97. Favourite actor? i dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? no

100. How are you feeling? i dont know

101. Do you type fast? yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah, but not overly

103. Can you spell well? i think so 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? i dont think so, but i want to (w the right people)

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah, oops

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yep

108. What should you be doing? cleaning my house

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea

111. Do you have trust issues? yea

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my best friend

113. What was your childhood nickname? B. as in, just the letter

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yea

115. Do you play the Wii? no

116. Are you listening to music right now? yea

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? not usually

118. Do you like Chinese food? i think so

119. Favourite book? uhm. sherlock (the whole series). the uglies series (scott westerfield). the secret garden. Fahrenheit 451. 1984. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no, but sometimes im afraid theres something in it

121. Are you mean? no

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? if i want to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure i know what this means

126. Are you currently bored? no

127. What makes you happy? i dont know

128. Would you change your name? no

129. What your zodiac sign? gemini

130. Do you like subway? i cant eat there

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? lol weve been dating for a while now

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my best friend

133. Favourite lyrics right now? uh. I dont know.

134. Can you count to one million? that would take a month, so no.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i dont know. probably that i couldnt go to work bc i was “throwing up from a migraine” when i hadnt thrown up (yet).

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? it varies

137. How tall are you? i think im like. 5′8″?

138. Curly or Straight hair? curly. but not consistent

139. Brunette or Blonde? i am a brunette

140. Summer or Winter? winter. i can always wear more clothes

141. Night or Day? night. its quiet and calm

142. Favourite month? august and october

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? yes.

145. Tea or Coffee? yes. depends on time of day/year/mood/etc

146. Was today a good day? i dont know

147. Mars or Snickers? mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? “if you cant explain it simply, you dont understand it well enough” -einstien is one of them. but there are more

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont know

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “aunt lillian’s footsteps became more distant, became whispers, were gone.”

@ramblebrambleamble i got bored and answered all of them

#about me

[allisonm22]

95 Thoughts I Had During the PLL Finale

 If its not already obvious, spoilers below.

1) What the hell is this scene? 2) I think this is a dream, why is there no one else around 3) Jennas on a horse, dream theory confirmed 4) Off to a weird start already 5) Hannah is too nice, Mona tried to kill you honey, let that friendship die 6) Caleb won’t say hi? Thats super fucking shady baby please don’t be A.D. 7) oh fuck is that Melissa?  8) JK its mona..wait why is she even wearing a mask?  9) If I were Aria, I’d be pissed as hell that Hannah brought Mona along, like kick her ass out? 10) Oh god Aria,stop crying, why cant you marry bae? Actually I dont even care. 11) Spencer that was a BOLD move...oh fuck that its for scrabble?! 12) How is Mona trying to act like she doesnt know who A is, didnt she see him/ her at Radley? Or are we supposed to just forget about that? 13) oooh no poor Aria sorry boo 14) Oh hey its mary drake 15) the spencer/ mary drake relationship annoys me to be honest 16) how did the cop not see them holding hands? 17) Ezra is fucking goals..except that time he was kind of A and writing a book about them behind their back. 18) Aria’s dad will forever creep me the fuck out  19) Alison and Em’s mom are being so obvious 20) Alison is deff gunna propose 21) Random thought I’ve had since 2010- Spencer’s mom (before that mary drake shit) looks like Olivia Benson 22) Why do they keep talking about Addison? Why are we supposed to care about her? Marlene don’t make her part of this I WILL FLIP. 23) The moms mentioned the basement! Are they going to tell us how they got out?!?! 24) Nope they are not 25) I’ve been hearing about their relationships since 2010, wrap it up and start talking about A.D.! 26) whyyyyy do they dress Alison so horribly? Like even her pajamas are horrendous 27) called that proposal 28) That ring is so pretty!!! 29)”How much damage can she do in one night” FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!!! 30) any scene with a naked toby is a gift, I'm about it 31) Toby’s hair looks so soft 32) Who the fuck is playing the piano 33) ohhhh fuck its Mona, im not shocked though 34) Im getting vibes that someone is going to die 35) whaaaaaaat the fuckkkkkk is this place 36) whats happening 37) oh fuck how’d mary get out? I never know how to feel about her 38) DO NOT TELL ME SPENCER HAS A BRITISH TWIN 39) DO NOT TELL ME THAT 40) her british accent is horrendous 41) WREN! 42) Are they trying to pull a parent trap on PLL 43) omg all those times it wasnt spencer! 44) Hannah wasnt sleeping! YO TOBY FUCKED FAKE SPENCER TWICE!  45) I knew i got weird vibes from that airport scene! 46) but why would she do all this if she didnt even know Charlotte? 47) “Till death do us part”...SIG-NIF-I-CANT (sung like Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec) 48) Isn’t Wren a fucking psychologist?! there were soooooo many red flags buddy and you missed them ALL 49) oh fuck she killed him and put him in a necklace...casual 50) Remember when Marlene King lied and said they werent going to copy the books? 51) Well actually I take it back she didnt technically lie, she gave us not one but three sets of twins 52) going off track for a second, twins skip a generation so super unlikely that mary drake would have twins 53) also like why couldnt they mention Ali was having twins? im not understanding the twin obsession 54) Back on track...OH FUCK THEYRE WREN’S BABIES 55) Why cant mary help her? thats your daughter bitch! 56) yo Mary literaly sold Alex, I know she didnt have a choice really but thats fucked upppppp. 57) A.D.-Alex Drake....I literally just got that 58) Spencer I wouldve knocked mary out and RAN 59) why does she have bae/Ezra? like what is the point? 60) Rollins looks like Keanu Reeves 61) seriously why is Cece dressed like a fucking pimp 62) wait they just explained like five years worth of plot in five seconds and I can barely understand it because of THAT SHIT ACCENT! 63) honestly them explaining how  jenna/sara/sydney are involed so quickly shows how bad this ending really is 64) Toby is gunna figure it out with the horse doesnt like her!!! 65) Horses always know wtf is up 66) Jennas gunna sniff her out 67) Evil twin is such a big leap to make based off a person smelling weird 68) I feel like that whole squad accepted the evil twin theory too quickly like if someone came up to me and was like hey our best friend smells different I think shes being held hostage and the one walking around is actually her evil twin, I would be like ..............what 69) Mona’s a double agent! I think? another one im never sure about 70) Yay theyre out run babies run! 71) why the fuck would you split up have you people learned nothing 72) whaaaaaat, thats not real theyre not actually outside right? 73) I feel like I’m watching Lost honestly 74) Alex walking around with that axe though is my forever mood honestly 75) DONT YOU FUCKING DARE KILL EZRA 76) WAIT WHOSE WHO 77) OHHHH FUCK DONT SHOOT THE WRONG ONE! 78) He shouldve shot Alex fuck that she helped mary escape jail she could easily escape 79) Arias second wedding dress- SO much better 80) oh fuck you marlene king with your cameo shush yourself right off my screen 81) Mona sells dolls in france.....cool cool cool (not cool) 82) deff the creepiest thing ive ever seen in my life 83) oh wait just kidding now its the creepiest thing ive ever seen 84) so Mona’s just full blown psychotic, weve known that since season two thanks for the well written plot twist 85) Dont tell me Addisons about to go missing for a spin off 86) lol addison went missing for a spin off 87) nope sorry im out, i cant invest any more time into another marlene king shit show 88) lemme save you time babies, you better hope addison is dead, cause if not, youre in for a fucking roller coaster of a life 89) in conclusion, im SUPER PISSED jason didnt come back because i looooooved me some jason eye candy 90) I hate that this whole plot was orchestrated by an new character whose only motivation was that she was friends with cece. 91) why did everyone love cece?! she was so fucking shitty like the fuck? 92) I wanted it to be this intricate theory that theyve been planning for years, I really wanted it to be someone weve seen for the past seven years, someone in the background we wouldnt have even thought twice about, that wouldve had alot more shock value 93) also giving it to a new character takes away the opportunity to link A.D. back the original plot for the first five years. I hate how it was essentially two different stories, it makes me feel like the first five years were a waste. 94) Im just dissapointed because i REALLY wanted them to redeem themselves after the Cece/Charlie shit show and they had so many opportunities to make it great and they continued to drop the ball. I  like the characters and their personal storylines though, thats the thing ill miss, not the fake reveals and actual reveals that make no sense. Im all about their character growth and personally loved watching them grow on and off screen. Its just a shame the storyline couldnt do them justice. 95) Lets not let Marlene King write anymore shows, K? K.

#PLL #pll finale #pll lb #pll spoilers #pll fandom

[kwanfairy]

92 STATEMENT POST

ahh i love these and i havent done any in so long so thanks so much for tagging me honey <3

The Last:

1. Drink - water (in case alcoholic was meant it was a berry prosecco)

2. Phone call - mum (which was a huge mistake btw ha)

3. Text message - july 4th to my dad: "i’ll tell you in 5mins” (that sounds so vague lol)

4. Song you listened to - Hyuna-Red

5. Time you cried - yesterday

Have You Ever:

6. Dated someone twice - i cant even find a person to date me once LOL

7. Kissed someone and regretted it - yes

8. Been cheated on - no

9. Lost someone special - yes (if pets count)

10. Been depressed - im diagnosed with it so :))))

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - yes (and i promised myself it will be the first and last time)

12.-14. List 3 Favorite Colors: black, purple, turquoise

In The Last Year Have You:

15. Made new friends - no (but lost most of my old ones ha lucky me)

16. Fallen out of love - no

17. Laughed until you cried - yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you - no

19. Met someone who changed you - not personally

20. Found out who your friends are - ...yeah (and it was not in a good way)

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list - no

General:

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: 99%

23. Do you have any pets: in my heart, yes <3

24. Do you want to change your name: no

25. What did you do for your last birthday:nothing (i dont usually celebrate it)

26. What time did you wake up: 9:30ish

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: was asleep

28. Name something you can’t wait for: nothing really

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 1 week ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: LOL this would get too depressing so lets skip this one

31. What are you listening to right now: sistar - i like that

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: lol no!

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my depression esp right now

34. Most visited website: i guess fb, youtube and tumblr?

38. Hair color: top my natural dark blonde hair and tips are still the bleached remnants

39. Long or short hair: long

40. Do you have a crush on someone: no

41. What do you like about yourself: my height maybe?? nothing in particular tbh

42. Piercings: only ears

43. Blood type: A+

44. Nickname: nabu, nati (just a handful of ppl are allowed to call me that tho not a big fan)

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac: libra

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite tv show: dont have one i think (i rarely have favourite this or that - if i like it i like it)

49. Tattoos: yes (6)

50. Right or left handed:right (eventho i use my left hand for certain things)

51. Surgery: not with general anaesthetic but technically yes

52. Piercings: still no

53. Sport: no (eventho i should)

55. Vacation: gonna go to berlin soon (not that i really want to tho..)

56. Pairs on trainers: what

More General:

57. Eating - just had pizza and arm choco cake (sometimes i know how to live life)

58. Drinking - water

59. I’m about to - prob watch an ep of goblin

61. Waiting for - nothing

62. Want - so many thigns tbh im a greedy bitch

63. Get married - yes

64. Career - behavioural scientist in a prison or so

65. Hugs or kisses - hugs

66. Lips or eyes - lips

67. Shorter or taller - i dont care

68. Older or younger - dont care either but just not too young/old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach - arms

71. Sensitive or loud - a bit of both

72. Troublemaker or hesitant - troublemaker

Have you ever:

74. Kissed a stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor: yes

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no

77. Turned someone down: yes

78. Sex on the first date: no

79. Broken someone’s heart: i think so

80. Had your heart broken: no

81. Been arrested: no

82. Cried when someone died: no one has died yet so

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

Do You Believe In:

84. Yourself: no

85. Miracles: no

86. Love at first sight: yes

87. Santa claus: no

88. Kiss on the first date: sure

89. Angels: no

Other:

90. Current best friend’s name: i suck at this ok gimme some slack..

91. Eye color: green

92. Favorite movie: none (but ‘the handmaiden’ was lit af i really liked it!)

i tag: @vikturikiss @kunpimoody (i know weve never talked but ive seen you in my notifications a lot lately and that makes me happy :) ) @awwfuckno (same here but youre my #1 block b source so!)

none of you lovely ppl have to do this ofc so no pressure!       

#tag game

[quranreadalong]

#182, Surah 37

THE QURAN READ-ALONG: DAY 182

We saw a brief little scene of some Muslims in jannah doing fun things like watching their disbelieving companions burn in the fires of hell yesterday. Today, we will explore a topic that the Quran hasn’t mentioned yet, namely the Zaqqum tree I talked about in the intro to this surah.

37:62-68 sets the scene:

Is this better as a welcome, or the tree of Zaqqum? Lo! We have appointed it a torment for wrong-doers. Lo! it is a tree that springeth in the heart of hell. Its crop is as it were the heads of devils And lo! they verily must eat thereof, and fill (their) bellies therewith. And afterward, lo! thereupon they have a drink of boiling water And afterward, lo! their return is surely unto hell.  

Lo! All that is bad, clearly, but more jahannam worldbuilding is always welcome. We’ve seen the boiling water part before, but the tree of Zaqqum has only been referenced up to this point--it hasn’t been named.

Zaqqum’s appearance (and the appearance of the “heads of devils”) varies in medieval Islamic artwork. I found this colorful one attributed to a Timurid-era Persian book (featuring Jibreel, Buraq, and Mo on the right), which I thought was at least visually interesting:

The etymology of the proper noun zaqqum is unclear. Some scholars assumed it was some real Arabian plant that produced nasty fruit, which is possible, though there isn’t any reputable narration stating this. Ibn Kathir records a very shaky hadith in which Abu Jahl (one of Mohammed’s opponents from among the Quraysh) connects it to a dish made of dates and butter that he enjoyed. That hadith suggests that Abu Jahl was just mocking Mohammed by saying that, though--not that Mohammed literally meant that this was a tree made of a butter and date spread. So that doesn’t help. And there just isn’t any reputable tradition that tells us where the name comes from.

Regardless, the Quran and the ahadith tell us enough about the “Zaqqum tree” found in the fires of hell to create a mental image of it. As we’re told above, its fruits are like the “heads of devils”, and they are a “torment” to eat. In a later surah, we’ll see that the fruits scald the disbelievers’ internal organs. And in a hadith, we’re told that if even a drop of liquid from those fruits fell upon the earth, “it would ruin the livelihood of the people of this world”. So it’s nasty stuff! All of the above also qualifies as a very long kuffar hell counter (1) hit, as the following section makes it clear that the “wrongdoers” are disbelievers: “They indeed found their fathers astray, But they make haste (to follow) in their footsteps”.

That line is our cue to start talking about the damn prophet stories again. People in ancient times went astray, Allah sent prophets to them. Naturally it never worked, and the residents of those cities were made to face “consequences”, unless they were Muslims. I’ll put that consequences line down as bad, the rest as neutral. Let’s get this show on the road.

Noah’s up first. As we’ve heard, Allah sent a “great distress” to punish the disbelievers, but saved Noah and his family (the dead son and wife aren’t mentioned). They became the ancestors of later generations, so Noah should be praised, peace be upon him etc. That’s neutral, the next ayah (saying that Allah saved Noah’s family for being “the good”) is good, while 37:82--specifying that while Noah was a Muslim and therefore saved, the rest of Noah’s people were all drowned--is bad.

That takes care of Tedious Prophet Recap #1. Tedious Prophet Recap #2 is Abraham, whose story goes on for quite a while, so we’ll deal with that tomorrow. After that, we’ll be over halfway through the surah, praise Allah.

NEXT TIME: Child sacrifice!!!

The Quran Read-Along: Day 182

Ayat: 21

Good: 1 (37:80)

Neutral: 11 (37:69-72, 37:74-79, 37:83)

Bad: 9 (37:62-68, 37:73, 37:82)

Kuffar hell counter: 1 (37:62-70)

⇚ previous day | next day ⇛

#as saffat #quranreadalong #surah 37

[ramblingsandruminations]

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.

#psychology #depression #inpatient #suicidal ideation #existentialism

[trashhuman666]

Request prompts!

Feel free to use this list for requests (which are always open 😊) with any Marvel character.

I do fluff and angst and (as of right now) I am willing to try smut, though as I've never written for it I cant promise it will be high quality.

Prompts:

1. "You should have told me"

2. "I'm not ready for you to go"

3. "I'm only sorry I didnt tell you sooner."

4. "I was horrible... it's my only regret."

5. "I dont make mistakes."

6. "As we all know, I am perfect."

7. "It wasn't a seizure, you fart, it was an asthma attack!"

8. "I know you'll never forgive me, but can you at least hear me out?"

9. "Pitiful."

10. "Well, actually, I was just going to binge Star Wars, but if you insist..."

11. "Yes, I heard everything."

12. "I can never look you in the eyes again."

13. "I wish I could look you in the eyes one more time."

14. "Stop being so damn dramatic."

15. "Stop being so damn handsome."

16. "I dont want to lose you... Not again."

17. "Oh, shit."

18. "I cant believe S.H.I.E.L.D. has been under our damn noses all this time."

19. "Take a shower."

20. "You're distracting me from my book."

21. "I will throw this at you."

22. "Let me help..." "... No."

23. "You didnt have to do that." "You're right, but I wanted to."

24. "Hey, asshole."

25. "Dont do anything stupid." "You mean something along the lines of exactly what you just did?" "Yeah, nothing like that."

26. "I'm not disappointed in you, just scared."

27. "Well this is it! This is me! And if you want me to change, then I want you gone!"

28. "Um... What are you doing?"

29. "We need to get them together."

30. "I'm way better than you."

31. "Prove it."

32. "The only thing I need right now is a hug and <Name>." "I can provide one of those."

33. "Who the hell are you?" "Here we go again..."

34. "Okay, I'm going to go to my room and play Mamma Mia. When I'm done, I want this to be fixed."

35. "A-and then they just... turned... dust... I... Help?"

36. "I never should have ignored them..."

37. "Oh, God. You actually are a moron, arent you?"

38. "Hey, that's me!" "No... That's <Other character played by same actor>."

39. "What's happening?" "I have no idea."

40. "I'm so confused." "That's normal."

41. "Why?" "I dont know..."

42. "That's not my problem." "I'll make it your problem."

43. "I'm hungry, bored and tired." "And I'm busy."

44. "I'm not going to stop looking until we find them." "You might be looking a while."

Alternatively:

"You won't have to look long. I found their address." "Is this... a cemetary?"

45. "Dont get too excited to see me... I'm the bearer of bad news..."

46. "Stop. Singing. That. Damn. Song."

47. "I hate everything and everyone." "Even me?" "Of course not, dear, you're amazing."

48. "Have you seen this?" "If you show me that video one more time, I'll go on a murder rampage."

49. "Did you adopt another dog?" "Sadly, no." "Then who adopted this?" "Um... That's not a dog."

50. "Did you watch Hamilton? You put a comma after Dearest." "No? What does Hamilton have to do with that?"

51. In a fairytale/other specified au (I have a few ideas, dm if interested)

52. "Did you go to a How To Be Dramatic school? Was it specifically for supervillains, or are you the odd one out?"

53. "Technically speaking they used to be people... Sorta sad, when you think about it."

54. "What does the little blinking light mean?"

55. "Dont move! They're watching you..."

56. "Why are they bleeding?"

57. "Sorry I died."

58. "Did you honestly think I'd leave you?" "Yes." "Well, I'm glad to see you think so highly of me."

59. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." "To be clear... We are still talking about hair braids, yeah?"

60. "Whatever happens, whatever you hear... Dont look back."

61. "So... Last night on Earth... What do you want to do?"

62. "I wish you never came back!"

63. "You're better than this!"

64. "I... I killed them..."

65. "I dont know how to feel anymore."

66. "I could never hate you. I loved you." "...Loved?"

67. "You're a monster."

68. "You're a disappointment."

69. "I swear to God if you die on me after everything weve gone through, I will be so mad!"

70. "I wish I'd never met you."

71. "Thanks for nothing."

72. "Dont call me ever again."

73. "Whyd you let me live?"

74. "They're not answering the phone."

75. "So now we have to sell a brand new wedding dress?"

76. "Let me go! I can still save them!"

77. "I dont have long..."

78. "I came to say goodbye..."

79. "They died..."

80. "I dont care about you... No one does."

81. Catching their affair

82. "I promised them. I promised they could be saved, they were going to survive." "Well, you shouldnt make promises you cant keep."

83. "You're so cold... Why are you so cold?"

84. "Sing me to sleep, one last time?" "I'm not going to do nothing but sing while you die!" "What if I asked real nice?"

85. "I know I said I'd take a bullet for you... I just didnt know I meant it literally..."

86. "I dont remember who you are." "That just makes this easier."

87. "Its not your fault, okay?" "You dont understand... It is."

88. "Theres no happy ending to this."

89. "Please dont make me suffer any more..."

90. "I said you cant fall in love with me, I said nothing about my falling in love with you."

91. "Is that my sweater?" "No." "It has my name on it." "How do you know?" "I can read."

92. "I know you're mad at me, but would a kiss change your mind?"

93. "Can you stop laughing?"

94. "Shouldnt you be sleeping? Oh, yeah, also howd you break in?"

95. "Shut up and cuddle me?"

96. "I'm not kissing you until you say sorry, and you cant do anything about it, shorty."

97. "Hold my hand?" "Scared?" "Terrified."

98. "Did you build this fort just for me?" "The world doesnt revolve around you." "..." "..." "..." "... Yes."

99. Kids

100. One last kiss before heading into one last battle.

[viralhottopics]

The Epic Story of O.J.: Made in Americas Creation

When Ezra Edelman set out to make the documentary O.J.: Made in America, he had one goal: To make a five-hour movie about howthe 1995 O.J. Simpson murder case became a flashpoint for talking about race and the American criminal justice system. Not only didhe hit his goal, but he overshot that runtime by about three hours.

“No sane person would do this,” Edelman says now, sitting in a lounge in New York’s Post Factory, where his doc was edited. Talking about it now its like ‘This is fucking crazy.’ The whole thing is a huge leap of faith. You have no knowledge of what exists from an archival standpointyou dont know anything. You just go, ‘Lets try to tackle this to the best of our abilities.’”

In the end, he took some 800 hours of footagesome from archive material, some from interviews with 72 peopleand boiled it down into one single 467-minute movie. It took him more than two years. But he didnt do it alone. In fact, it wasnt even entirely his idea. We spoke with Edelman and his creative partners to get the story ofhow they created the wildly ambitious documentary.

February, 2014: The Beginning

Connor Schell, executive producer and senior VP, ESPN Films: Weve been producing a series of documentary films at ESPN called 30 for 30 since 2009. In that time, we gained more of a foothold in documentary filmmaking, working with various directors, and tackling topics of real cultural importance where sports is your window in. I certainly knew Ezras work and Id been thinking about O.J. Simpson for a long time, but our pursuit of wanting to do something on O.J. Simpson always started from, Well, how do you conceive of something thats not obvious? This is territory thats very well-covered, be that in books, articles, or other documentary films. Obviously, theres a section of this story thats from [the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman in] June 1994 to [Simpson’s acquittal in] October of 1995 that, if you make a project about O.J. Simpson, youre going to have to cover. But I was always interested in the full picture. What came before and what came after. And where could O.J.s story take you? That led to a few conversations between Ezra and I and he conceived of this approach and of this film.

Edelman:The thing he first said was We want to make a five-hour film. Thats what interested me. That was before he even told me what it was about. When he told me what it was about I was not that interested. My thought was What can I add to this story? They had already done a film on O.J.June 17, 1994, Brett Morgens rendition of the day of the Bronco chase. Connor wanted to do something more challenging and that jibed with something I wanted to do.

Schell:We were interested in the context, in the story of race, of celebrity, and how O.J. helps you tell that story. We started the conversation about a really long movie by saying OK, when you get to that period, why was it so meaningful? Why did it mean so much to white American and black American and why did they view it so differently? Thats a story were really interestedin telling and therefore, it needs to be long.

April 2014: The Research

Because Edelmans movie details thehistory of the relationship between the the Los Angeles Police Department and African-American communities long before Simpson was a student the University of Southern California, his team had to find footage of events like the Watts riots and families from the South moving to LA.

Edelman: From there it was a few months of me just reading. That’sall I did: I got up and I read. Jeffrey Toobins bookThe Run of His Life, Lawrence Schillers bookAmerican Tragedy. This great book by Lou Cannon called Official Negligence, which is about the history of the LAPD. But the first thing I did, was address the practical question of How the fuck do we get this done? So that meant just calling Caroline [Waterlow, the movies producer] and being like Caroline, so theres this thing. Its going to be big. I think itll be interesting. It might not be so fun, but I can think of no other person who I would want to help me craft this.

Caroline Waterlow:I remember we had pizza. My initial reaction was O.J.? You feel like its a story that surely we know about. All the films Ive worked on have been predominantly archival, historical docs, so the idea of being able to get into the early context and history became interesting to me quickly. Then my job was to hire people to figure out how to do that. This is not a job for a young associate producer whos like just starting out. You cant ask them, “So, can you call the former DA of Los Angeles?” We needed really experienced people who knew what they were doing.

Edelman: She found all the people for the team and from there it was just the combination of experience and alchemy.

Edelman and and Waterlow soon brought on producer Tamara Rosenberg, who was tasked with tracking down all of the docs sources, and producer Nina Krstic, who had to find and create a database of 500-600 hours of archival footage.

Tamara Rosenberg: I got a phone call from Caroline first and I was like, O.J.? Nothing in my resume points me towards that subject. But then I had my first meeting with Ezra and he already had an outline of what he wanted to do and it was very apparent to me that that wasnt going to be any other O.J. story. This was going to be differentand great.

Nina Krstic:His enthusiasm was a clincher. Also, it was like, “How can you refuse such a challenge?” How do you find archive of that that someone has never seen before? I think it was a challenge Id dreamed about my whole life and there it was.

Edelman: [Deadpan] I just want, for the record, to note how much both of them talked about my enthusiasm.

Schell: He jokes about it, but when hes engaged, its all he can think or talk about. Hes in.

Edelman: Which I imagine is comforting for an executive. [Laughs.]

August 2014: Building the Story

Edelman: With this large of a canvas, there was a need and an ambition to tell O.J.s story with some sort of thoroughness. I was interested in telling the story of what happened to him after the trial; at the same time, I wanted to tell this other story about therelationship between the black community and the police department in LA, and that that was going to inform this greater story about race in America. Then there was this story about him as a cultural icon that existed on this other level. But it all came back where we were going with the trial. It feels like the ultimate American Studies paper.

O.J. Simpson arrives next door to Watts a year after the riots, but hes in this really white, conservative, apolitical place, right next to a place that had just burned out of frustration. You see all these parallel tracks and its like, ‘Isnt this everything we were talking about with the trial years later?’ Thats a core place to start the story.director Ezra Edelman

O.J. becomes famous for football, and thats all he has to do to get noticed. Then right down the coast theres a community of people in Watts that were so frustrated and outraged with how they were being treated by the police that this sort of ends up inciting the riots in 1965. And this is what this community is doing to have their voices heard. So theres this juxtaposition. Then O.J.arrives next door to that like a year later, but hes in this really white, conservative, apolitical place, right next to a place that had just burned out of frustration. You see all these parallel tracks and its like, Isnt this everything we were talking about with the trial years later?

Waterlow: There was a big bulletin board that I had made. That was the first place that we started building timelines of O.J.s life and what was going on in the world. Then just names. [Prosecutor] Marcia Clark, of course, but also the names of childhood friends. It was just a board of a million names.

Edelman: It was organized chaos. I was looking for first-person voices:people who lived through this history at every point, whether its O.J.s football career or the LAPD. When you look at the people who are the most important and impactful people in the film, youre like I didnt know who any of these people were. I was standing on a train platform somewhere in Connecticut, and Tamaracalled me up and she was like, So I just talked these guys, I dunno, they were a couple of O.J.s childhood friends… and I had never heard of them, but thats exactly where this whole thing comes together. Every time that happens, its like a small victory.

Rosenberg:My character list is a 100-page Word document. In there are people we did interview, people who were maybes, and just people we looked at, and people who just said no. It was a big casting job. It was a constant dialogue with Ezra. As he felt ready to tackle a certain period of O.J.s life, then we started populating those areas with people. So it would be OK, were ready to talk about his USC years, and then I would go on the hunt for his team players from those years.

We had a great PA on the team, who was very good at tracking people down. I would just send names to him, and he would triangulate and I dont know what to find people. He would post on message boards. I dont even know what he did and I dont want to know. He would just send me a phone number and be like I have a good feeling about this one.”Then it was just a job of calling them and saying Hey, this is what were doing and really trying to impress upon them that this was not just another O.J. doc, and that was hard because a lot of these people had approached by the press before, so we were guilty by association.

Waterlow: And then as soon as we found a person it was a matter of Is there any footage of that amazing USC game? and Nina [Krstic] would have to get involved.

Nina Krstic: When I got started in September the first goal was: find every single interview with O.J. And then it was filling in the historical stuff. So there weretwo layers to it. There was also finding stuff that was pre-90s and then it was Rodney King, murder trial, and everything else. Once you get to the 90s theres tons of stuff, but we dont want to see the same footage all over again. Also, with news stories, I wanted raw footage, because I dont want a news editor from 94 deciding whats good and whats not good.

Fall 2014-Winter 2015: The Interviews

Waterlow:Ezra did every one of those interviews, so to prep for those was major.

Edelman:There is a method to the madness. You know you want Marcia Clark, you know you want these bigger characters, but youre not going to call them up initially. You want to be as prepared before you get to that point. But also, you just have to start. So we interviewed 72 people; 66 are in the film, but two of the people that arent we interviewed on the first day because you just need to get going.

Rosenberg:Some people I would talk to for many months before we finally got them. Hands down, as a group, the jurors [for Simpsons murder trial] were the hardest to convince. We reached out to a bunch of them. Some we couldnt find. Ezra and I met with Yolanda Crawford at some stage and although she was hard to find, once we found her and talked to her she was on board.

Edelman: We ended up going to shoot in Las Vegas in January of 2015 to interview someone we didnt actually end up getting to interview, which is one of the jury consultants for the defense. But we were going there so it was like, We should probably try to talk to people involved in the robbery. Talk about a place were not at yet. But sometimes you just have to figure it out.” Thats where youre making a mini movie within the massive movie.

Waterlow: With this film, more than any others that Ive worked on, there was a lot of Dont say nolet me have coffee with you. We had to make our case about who we are and what we were doing. There were several trips to LA, in October, November, and December. Las Vegas in January. There were five or six shoots in the fall.

Some people I would talk to for many months before we finally got them. Hands down, as a group, the jurors were the hardest to convince.producer Tamara Rosenberg

Edelman: The jury was a big part of the canvas, but the prosecution was an even bigger part. And we were having no luck. There were just four main people [in the prosecution], and we need at least one. That was really stressful. I really wanted Chris Darden. I spent a week reading his book and writing him a letterno response, no response, no response. But we had to keep going. I finally got [district attorney] Gil Garcetti’semail from a family friend in January or February, four months after wed started shooting, and he said, Youre welcome to come out and talk to me next time youre in LA, but I wont do an interview. You go and have a lovely conversation for two hours and hes like Im still not doing an interview and Im like, Dude, that could have been the interview. This could be done. But after three conversations and two visits to his house, it was like 10:30 pm on a Tuesday nightand he wrote me an email or sent me a text and said, Alright, Im going to do it. There was a palpable sense of relief.We had already gotten to the point where we were going to start editing.

February, 2015: Editing Begins

Waterlow: There was lots of archival being gathered the whole time. We knew there would be plenty for [Bret Granato, one of the film’s three editors]to start. Thirty interviews, maybe.

Granato:I had wasted a lot of my sophomore year in college following the trial. When we first started, the first thing I put my hands on was the Watts riots section. When I first talked to Ezra I had mentioned that I knew a lot about the trial, and he was kind of unimpressed by that. [Laughs] He said that he really wanted Los Angeles to be a character. So that was the first thing we touched.

Edelman:While he was working on another film, before he was officially working on this, he was taking the audio of the interviews that we had shot and listening to them on his own. So he showed up with this sense of where we were going.

Granato:How Ezra works is he creates this 50-60 page document of the roadmap. We met a few times before the edit to go over that. Its very specific with him: Were going to start with Watts.

Krstic: I made sure that every section of O.J.s life had at least a representative amount of footage to give Bret the freedom to start with it. Then there was also the massive job of organizing over 500 hours of footage, sub-clipping it, keywording it, making the job a year down the line so much easier. My eyes still cross when I think about this, but I basically made a huge database, and then every entry in the database has a clip and its all searchable.

Schell: The amazing thing is the exercise in logistics. Ezras off researching and doing an interview, Tamara is three or five shoots ahead of him, trying to get people lined up. Then Brets trying to tell a story around all of these parts

There was the massive job of organizing over 500 hours of footage, sub-clipping it, keywording it, making the job a year down the line so much easier. My eyes still cross when I think about this, but I basically made a huge database, and then every entry in the database has a clip and its all searchable.producer Nina Krstic

Waterlow: And Nina is IM-ing all day with three people being like What do you need? What do you need? What do you need?

Schell: The idea that it could all come together to fit the vision laid out is quite astonishing.

Edelman: Im used to feeling like I have to be in control of everything. But this was the first time where it was like, That shit aint gonna work. I talked to Tamara a lot because were talking about the characters and interviews. And Caroline and I have this its a little more fraternal.

Waterlow: Im the truth-teller.

Edelman: We just have our own thing. Bret and I get to talk about the story, butunfortunately for himIm sitting behind him like Pig-Pen and the sky is always falling and hes like Dude, this is hard enough. But with Nina, shes the one person, and I say this lovingly, shes a machine.

Krstic: It was never-ending. Even when we were locked, there was still always one little thing wed need.

Granato: I feel like all of our scenes were built initially to just tell it the best way it could be told, then we would make it betterbut when we were making it better, we werent necessarily making it shorter.

Spring/Summer, 2015: Interviews Continue

Rosenberg: We found Carrie Bess, one of the jurors, pretty early on and Ezra and I met her and had coffee and she was fairly non-committal. I made it a habit ever time wed land in LA to drive to her place. She didnt use email and barely used the phone, so it was just about me showing up and saying hi. She would give me lemons from her lemon tree. We had a cute relationship that way. But she never fully committed. So finally on one of our last trips to LA, I remember sitting with her under her lemon tree and saying, Carrie, you have to do this. Luckily enough she was like, OK, come back in a couple of days.

Edelman:She didnt have any interest in us and this thing. Sometimes shes engaged and sometimes not. Sometimes shed say something profound and wonderful, sometimes she says something kooky. Theres a realness to her. As a documentary filmmaker, what more do you want?

Rosenberg: I had a feeling on the day of the interview that I had to show up before the team, so I drove over and of course Carrie Bess had completely forgotten. She was covered in paint because she was re-painting her house. I pushed her in the shower and went to her closet and opened it and took out like three different outfitsand was like Wear this!

Edelman: That wasnt even the last LA trip. The last real shoot that Tamara and I went on in LA was we interviewed [Ron Goldmans father] Fred Goldman and Mark Fuhrman.Fuhrmanwas reluctant to do the interview and, like a lot of people, was not thrilled at the idea of this being donebut healso didnt know who we were. Why would you trust someone with your sensitive feelings and your past? I found someone who engaged us respectfully, and in a trusting manner. I think the guy deserves a lot of credit.

Waterlow: Thats a testament to the job Tamara and Ezra did on the interviews. Many people after the interview would say Thats the smartest interview anybodys ever done and Ive talked about this a lot. Including Marcia Clark.

I remember just sitting for a whole week just reading Marcia Clark’s book, reading articles, watching stuff, and not picking up the phone.producer Tamara Rosenberg

Rosenberg:I remember just sitting for a whole week just reading her book, reading articles, watching stuff, and not picking up the phone. I think its in Slouching Towards Bethlehem where Joan Didion just sits next to the phone for three hours, staring at it. I had the same thing. And by the time I talked to her I was fully prepared. The first 10 minutes of the phone call did not go so well, and I remember in that call where I was like, Ugh, shes gonna say no. Then we turned a corner. She asked me what I was doing during the trial and I wasnt here. [Rosenberg was studying in Israel.] I think that made a huge difference. The fact that I wasnt one of these people who was obsessively following it and aware of every single flaw and what was going on with her hair and wardrobe, that changed something. Then she was great. I love Marcia. And she sat for how long? Six hours?

Edelman: About five hours. Shes pretty fierce. She is so in control of who she is and what she experienced.

Rosenberg: Somebody like [news helicopter pilot] Zoey Tur, was one of those wonderful moments where archival and casting were working together because she was on both our radars for different reasons. Nina was looking at her because the footage she had shot of the riots and the Bronco chase and I had her on my radar as a storyteller. We both pursued her and got this great material.

It felt infinite. Its like looking at the sun, though, you dont want to ever look at the big picture.editor Bret Granato

Waterlow: And I loved how unabashed she was about things. Shes like Yeah, Im a journalist, Im going to get the fucking story. She represented that so well, and owned it.

Krstic: All told, there was about between 500-600 hours of archival footage and then 72 interviews.

Waterlow: Its probably 800 hours total, if were talking about interviews and archival footage.

Granato: It felt infinite. Its like looking at the sun, though, you dont want to ever look at the big picture. You trust the process. My job is to create as compelling a five-minute thingas I can, and then take a step back and see if it connects. But I wouldve melted if Id actually thought about what we were trying to do. Its too much to comprehend.

January, 2016: That Other Massive O.J. Show

Edelman had known about it for a while, but in January 2016, when he took his forthcoming doc to a Television Critics Association event, he had to come face-to-face with the fact that Ryan Murphy and his FX juggernaut were also releasing a massive retelling of Simpson’s tale: The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. Not only would it be based on a book by Jeffrey Toobin, who was one of Edelman’s sources, it would be coming out months before Made in America hit theaters or ESPN.

When youre making this huge thing and you find out someone else is doing a 10-hour series nominally about the same thing, youre like ‘What the fuck?’director Ezra Edelman on The People v. O.J. Simpson

Edelman: To be honest, there were concurrent documentary projects that were being done that were causing a lot more stress than that. Having said that when youre making this huge thing and you find out someone else is doing a 10-hour series nominally about the same thing, youre like What the fuck? But you can only worry about it so much. Ill admit to being personally not thrilled. What are the odds? When we went to the TCAs in January to basically publicly announce the existence of this film three weeks before Sundance, all the journalists in the room had already seen the first six episodes of the FX series and they were all telling us how incredible it was.

Waterlow: We kept being like, “I didnt make that. I dont know how to answer that.”

Edelman: My legitimate fear was: Here is a 10-hour television series about O.J., about the trial, its going to be on television before ours will be out in the world, I dont know that people have that appetite to watch another huge thing about O.J. Thats why it was important for me for it to screen at Sundance, because that was before it was on TV. That way it was clear we werent drafting off of the success of that. That made me feel OK. Frankly, that didI can now sayabsolutely whet the appetite and re-engage people with this story in a way that they wanted the non-fiction narrative. It worked.

January to May 2016: The End (Sort of)

Granato: Ezra and I would stay late nights and work on the film and I dont think there was a single walk back to the train that wasnt about the film and how to make the film better.

Edelman: I didnt ask about your kid?

Granato: Did you know I have a kid? [Laughs] The last night when we locked itit didnt feel like a lock, but it was my last night therewe were still talking about the film. I dont know that I ever had a moment where I was like Ah, thats done! It is such a living, breathing creature. It still doesnt feel done.

Schell: Even when we had gotten to picture lock and submitted the film to Sundance, and it was accepted Even after it screened there, Ezra was obsessed with the fact that it was still a temp score.

Edelman: That was causing me a lot of angst. Itwas a continual process. The first few months of this year, I was still working on the film. We upgraded footage after Sundance, we swapped out the score. We were working up until the time it was screened in theaters in the middle of May. We were working up to the day we had to deliver the hard drives [to theaters]. I watched the last two hours of this on Vice the other night, against my better judgment, and if I could go into the edit room today there would be some things Id want to do.

Waterlow: Because we had these intermissions built in, theres three drives for each version of the film. I remember calling box offices and calling theater managers and being like Did you get it?!

Because we had these intermissions built in, theres three drives for each version of the film that we had to send. I remember calling box offices and calling theater managers and being like ‘Did you get it?!’producer Caroline Waterlow

Schell: This is not a small ask of someones time, to have people commit to an entire day of having someone watch something. But then to understand how engaged they are and the conversations they want to have afterwards is incredible to see.

Edelman: Again, if we knew what we were doing, we wouldve never started.

Schell: But to add to that, whats incredible about the media environment we exist in right now, is that this can exist as a film, and also on ESPN and via video-on-demand, and via DVD, and streaming.We can expose millions of people to that story.

Edelman:People dont necessarily have eight hours and 15 minutes to spend in a movie theater. I get that. So, we worked really hard to create this thing, and if people watch it on their TVs streaming, thats fine. Ive never seen it on TV. Ill never watch something Ive done on ESPN with commercials. Not the previous film I did, not this one. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I know this should be experienced as this beginning-to-end thing, but we have fractured lives. Thats not the world we live in.

Read more: http://bit.ly/2jgNGdM

from The Epic Story of O.J.: Made in Americas Creation

#The Epic Story of O.J.: Made in Americas Creation