#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ

[talkorsomething]

randomly caught my side profile. Why do i get to look like a guy but only Sometimes

#transmasc #trans ftm #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #and never at guard too... #anyways the pedant in me says of course i look Like A Guy all the time because . i am one but. the transgender . #so making plans to cut my hair in a week may be a mistake because i don't actually mind it half the time but .... well............ #the transgender . #( ... ) #(btw i dont actually Like transmasc as a term for myself but as it is what The Youth tend to use ...)

[talkorsomething]

[(Metaphorically) banging my head against the wall]

I want a joooob

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #like not really but also. yes i actually do #except because [redacted] and nowhere that looks promising actually has a good online application setup i CANT apply anywhere anymore #what do i have to do to tell these people i have a job but it literally Does Not Matter and they can hire me anyways............ #(nothing btw im stuck like this. me when im autistic except not enough for it to matter except yes enough to impact literally everything)

[talkorsomething]

I just found out that i DO have an electric trimmer (not for beards). Infinite power has been given to me...

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #trans ftm #transmasc #i dont know how to use it though ........... do i figure it out today and potentially fuck it up or wait until after guard season is over #i feel like i could do it. but also #idk how long we've had it... maybe forever?!

[talkorsomething]

Fun first night at dayton :) no bracelets made yet. Didn't enjoy the long trip, but it was only like ...... eight...? hours??? which is still a lot, but it gave us more time to decompress at the hotel, which was nice.

That being said, we are a MENACE to hotels everywhere. I'm glad a couple other guards are staying here too, because at least they might understand...

We're preforming in the early afternoon, so I can get away with staying up a little later, at least! That's nice?

Anyways, day of chaos tomorrow. Hope I survive!

#winterguard #winter guard #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #daytonblogging

[talkorsomething]

My one (1) legally allowed daytonpost of the day as follows:

Did not get to help load props due to Circumstances™️ making me decide to arrive fashionably late. Put my backpack in the trailer anyways (let's all hope the chocolate doesn't melt too bad...!)

It's now late of the day & I am ...... tired. Probably because i had to go drive and also it got WARM today. Like, summer warm almost. And I have a hard time functioning when it's warm, so ...... that's it I guess.

Still have to make bread. Should probably do quick bread so I can monitor it before I go to bed... oh, and shower, too. And ... I have to remember a certain handheld device!!! I can get that in the morning, though. Charge my phone also...

I think first order of business is shower. And then we can think of next order of business. (Make bread?)

Now, let's all hope I can make it to our meetup point tomorrow without issue! Let alone forgetting something at home, I'm worried I'll get lost! I have to leave relatively early to when I get up, too...

I hope tomorrow goes well! I'm lifting the one daytonpost a day ban then, since going to dayton kind of counts as dayton. But also, i will be busy being in a car, so, actual postage during dayton may vary. We'll see!

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #daytonblogging #i ALSO altered my binder slightly again as it was bothering me... uhm lets hope i dont break any ribs at dayton either. that would be sad.

[talkorsomething]

Washed my costume & my binder ... honestly after having to wash the costume in the SINK all season washing my binder is so easy. Swish swish bitch you're clean now. (Still smells bad but that is because we have the unscented soap + i have been very lax about washing it during the season lol)

I didn't plan anything else to do today ... i could ask the group which extra game they want me to bring, maybe? And POSSIBLY wash the dishes so making bread to take with me isn't such an ordeal but uhm . We have Giant Ants in our kitchen and i hate them. But I don't think I've washed a dish in like at least two months so ... enrichment. If I do it, anyways. Not like there's much else to do?

Have to remember to practice later, if the wind will allow it. Do all the stretching & warmups, at least! I felt so sore yesterday and it was only partially because i actually got to help with the floor. Also i did not do any warmups and was only outside practicing flag work so considering dayton is TWO DAYS AWAY!!!!!!! I should ............ try to actually do that.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #daytonblogging #tangentially winterguard related #this is my one daytonpost of the day ... but i have nothing more substantial to say i'm just excited :)

[talkorsomething]

I guess it's because the season is so long that i've gone from digging myself back out of the pit to ...progress? Maybe? to whatever this is, shovel in hand again.

Well, I'm trying. Not that "trying" is good enough, but... that's where we're at.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #not sure what started it this time tbh. i mean - i HAVE been in maintenence mode since ... pretty much the beginning of the season to now #but like i can tell when its worse yknow? when i get stuck again. but i can almost never point to the root cause ... #hell for all i know it's the weather. april sure can Rain! #i dunno. anyways hey dayton is in a week that's cool! #i have made bracelets regardless of whether we're participating in the trade or not i have a will i shall find a way #morse code in beads is really fun btw i reccomend it. interesting patterns! only technically need 2/3 colors at a time!

[talkorsomething]

right wait the THIRD POST in a row because i dont feel like reblogging really long posts over and over.

I have been thinking about doing ... what i did on sunday ... for at least a WEEK straight. Like, every time i went to bed: first thing on my mind. I dont think thats very hashtag mentally stable of me but i dont know why its happening either

#sh tw #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im becoming a serial poster over here apparently #drectly related to the previous two posts #*directly... sigh. who needs to type anyways #you could argue i just spent like two hours explaining why i feel like shit but i will pretend not to hear you. i am very normal this way #also i know tumblr isnt exactly censorship central but i am a little unsure about The Rules here like... aside from the #conspicuous trigger tag what am i allowed to say... im not encouraging or posting photos im just explaining ....... idk im worried anyways

[talkorsomething]

Oh yeah did you know that tumblr has a tag limit of 30 btw. I wasnt even really done I could probably talk myself in circles about this for like literally forever because it pisses me off that much. Both the circumstances in general and also that i'm pissed about them.

I guess it's hard to do anything else when you've backed yourself into a corner. It has been a long, long time since I decided I wouldn't let myself cry, and somehow it's not even what got me INTO this mess. But it probably doesn't help either.

You know, when you stop doing the things you love, it's hard to tell whether it's burnout or actual depression. I don't think I'd know what depression is if it bit me in the face, to be honest. In any case, I'm doing things again, so obviously it can't be that, right...?

Well, currently I'm a pretty all or nothing guy. Sure - why NOT spend three and a half hours on the art side of a project in a day? Especially when you haven't been really drawing in literal years?

Why not write a song in two hours? Why not write the entire next chapter of your novel?

...

It's not really sustainable. Once I stopped having to pour my energy into avoiding another relapse, i think... I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't for a while. It starts being a problem when you realize you don't know how to start doing what you used to love again.

If all my hobbies are gone and I leave them there... what else is there to do?

I miss drawing. I miss writing. I miss coding, even, and I'm willing to bet that's what I could pull myself back into the easiest, since it's less of a creative pursuit.

You know, I let myself stop trying to talk so much when I didn't have anything to say last summer. I let a lot of things in life just happen to me. It's how you wake up one day and realize a sketchbook that used to take two years, maybe, to fill out took you a very long four.

I know. Shit happens. You grow up, you don't have time. Except...

It's hard to do anything else when you've backed yourself into a corner.

I think we can't talk anymore because I tried to take initiative in my life, for once. Because you saw a good opportunity and took it.

I can't mess up one time without having it taken away from me. There's no second chance - at this point in [my life], it's either right or it's right.

I need the space and I should not be allowed to get it, because at this point it's not like I can quit. I don't want to! I wish I could.

Well, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. I guess that goes for both of us. I got myself into this, and now, well...

I can get out. I've done it before, I'll do it again. I'll wonder how I even felt.

(Angry, mostly.)

I'm doing this for you. So that you don't have to confront the fact that the world doesn't work like you think it does, that everything has a clear-cut answer. That I am just unambitious in life, that I just don't want to. Because the words "I can't" should never be in anyone's vocabulary.

I'm doing this so I don't have to feel what you really think of me. It's selfish. It's safe.

I think we can't talk anymore because I wanted to do something, for once.

#long post #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #sh tw #directly related to my previous post #anyways that early bed time sure is great isnt it . isnt it. #although i think i do have a drink left out that I should finish if i didn't already #...i dont even know if i ate today. moving on. #i THINK i typed it all out this time but in reality the minute i start going to bed i am going to think about it & #get irrationally upset again. i dont even know... #its either one or the other apparently since i'm doing decent so far at practicing flag work this week #if everything in my life could just work out PERFECTLY for once that would be nice ............ #(this will never happen since i am a hashtag underacheiver despite wanting nothing more than to get really good at guard as soon as i can) #'oh just practice more' im TRYING. my brain wont LET me. #(or really probably i just dont want it as much as i think i do or something stupid like that. i dunno. clearly.)

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday) #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say) #and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard) #its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point. #guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over] #[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG] #so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it. #could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that. #i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition' #really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else . #it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat .. #.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before. #...... #i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me. #it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way. #anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row. #лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really) #(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently) #so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

[talkorsomething]

Just now remembered i had a dream this morning where i was like "well it's not a dream because if it was i wouldn't be this tired" and then . Woke up. That tired still

Idk what else was happening but that was weird huh

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #ive been having weirdly vivid dreams lately so i suppose this is an offshoot of that? although i really don't remember any of it.. #wonder if its because accidental brain melting... hmm

[talkorsomething]

for the record i guess practice went alright (i mean, i double-checked the wrong time & got there late, but still...) but i'm way behind when it comes to literally Anything to do with the show choreography. I guess I'm supposed to practice that this week but the only thing i've managed to figure out is what we were shown at the end of 2nd auditions...... sort of. I'm doing... an angle toss i think it was? I don't know how to do those ????? (How much specifics am i allowed to post i wonder.... angle toss is vague, right???)

and then i have to catch said toss ...... continue on to the second half. Well, i don't understand that any better (just move the flag like this! Yeah, sure, i'll get right on that..) and my only strategy is to stare at the video for like half an hour before understanding . 1 count . Maybe.

& that's setting aside the issue of space inside @ night and everything else that comes with that ......

I'm just saying, i guess. It's not that I *won't* put in the time, it's just that i know I'm going to learn it wrong. Doesn't really feel like improvement that way...

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #winterguard #currently i am sending the flag Away which it is only all too happy to do >:( you are on LOAN i Cannot keep dropping!!!! #i also cant . catch right so #im complaining but im not complaining yknow? i signed up for it ...... #doing my best its just hard Not to get upset when everyone else already understands whats happening and i Do Not #hopefully i get there on time next practice so im not stuck in the back :/ curse of bad vision

[talkorsomething]

...well, i guess i should at least put it down *somewhere*

First auditions have come and gone, and even though i've been practicing since february, i apparently don't even have *drop spins* right. They're ... good enough, but that's about it.

Flag work went good enough, although my left spins were absolute shit (expected... i didn't practice those so much). I still can't coordinate a pop toss the way I'm supposed to - not enough height, because i'm not pushing enough or whatever. Already knew that...

Also learned some thing in between a pop toss and a drop spin. No idea what it was called??? But since i've been practicing tosses so much i couldn't get it because.... couldn't keep my hand down. Left side is actually better because i didn't have any of that association. Someone came to physically correct me on those which was like... come on...... i already knew it was wrong and why??? Telling me is not going to make me do it any better.

I've also been doing drop stops wrong (hands going in opposite directions), go figure. Doing them the right way is actually easier, who could've known?! /s

most of the rest of it was just catching the flag the right way. which i also suck at. and like... catching the flag. I think i nearly hit someone trying to do a 45 or a parallel or something T_T they were nice about it though

No rifle work because i did not bring the tiny rifle but they don't allow that anyways. Ended up not learning hardly anything except that i was probably also doing the prayer toss wrong. Nobody really elaborated on what was going on so i was stuck trying to figure it out based on what everyone else was doing... as they were doing it....... with a turn incorporated............ so the fuck rifles flag4lyfe block did not . teach me much . I tried to do it so many times that it's actually one of the things i still remember, but only like, the version i managed to extrapolate. Sigh.

This post is backwards because dance work was actually first.

Do you want to know what literally everyone else there had?

Experience.

Well, the warm up wasn't too bad except for losing track of my arm placement. I want to fight ballet because... jesus christ. Who decided you need directions for your grabbers. Horrible.

The experience point is relevant because of across the floors. Those were also supposed to have arms. I'm fairly certain we were told not to worry about that because of me, specifically. (Great. /s)

Anyways that was a hot mess. Being demonstrated to slowly helped but the minute we were actually going, that went out the window. Pretty much the only thing i did and was able to have *fun* with were the (lead up to +) rolls! Because i already had been taught a little!

It's more frustrating that i got upset at it than i got upset at it if that makes sense...? Like, i'm here to have fun ***and also learn good***. None of that was either 😒

Mom relayed that apparently some of the other people were breaking down because they weren't expecting it to be that much, to be contrasted with "i was expecting it to be that much" (i was not expecting *shit* because nobody told my anything past "they want to know what you know" and "you will not be turned away".)

Literally the only reason i didn't cry is because i already have experience in not crying when i apparently really want to. Also because i was mad about it lol .

Not like i had time to actually pay attention to what anyone else was doing, but it's frustrating knowing you're practically the slowest & worst person on the field. I know we're all there to learn, but......

Still doing it again when 2nd auditions come around lol. Lord knows how i'm gonna work on atfs when i Cannot do shit that i feel looks stupid (whole other thing, anxiety whatever) but i guess i'm going to have to... if i can remember it right... 🫠

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #ненавіджу што я так дрэнна а *разумею* што пачаў з абсолютна нічога таму і буду так . дрэнна . #не ведаю! не ведаю. проста маю часу пра крыху практыка...... #а мы нават не думаем пра грошы :Е

[talkorsomething]

...well, i now officially know i've lost weight.

Like... a lot? a lot more than i had thought?

Which is. Odd because honestly pretty much everything still feels like it fits about the same...

I guess it explains why i've been more cold?!

+ also i dont know Why it's so much... if i start eating like a normal human being again i don't... really *want* to go over where i started? :/ i guess i'd maybe be fine w/ being about the same because i know it won't be That big of a difference. Or i don't think it will anyways? Hm...

#ed tw #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #like um . it is a very significant change since the last time i weighed myself #(june 2022 apparently) #and without knowing whether its the semi-consistent excersize or the absolute dogshit fuck diet i dont want to change what im doing...... #dont give urself an ed on purpose its really not worth it XD #morbid curiousity but i wonder if im at a 'normal' bmi range now? like eh... #numbers btw. its like 20 pounds dropped so #a LOT for me #like this is where i set my goal initially....... #i shouldnt make it worse and set something lower but i kind of want to.................. #[hitting brain with broom] no. bad. stop it . #i guess cause its spread out over a year its not As extreme but still . . . #not sure whether to feel accomplished or not as mostly my philosophy has been #‘stop being disorder you piece of fuck’ #i. e; do my best not to worry about it #but u know. disorder . kinda like sh never gonna leave me all that shit #idk where im going with this from june 2022 to feb 2023 things were about the same but then a Lot changed so that is also smth to consider #different circumstances... i live off sweet things and yet remain snackies-less now :pensive: #(<- thats to put it lightly) #anyways anyways tag ramble ending curiousity getting the better of me bye

[talkorsomething]

[Redacted] hosting another open mic night soon...... tempted but i dont wanna go alone :(

nothing to do about it . . .

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #exceptionally bad @ metaphorical writing so its not like i can say 'hey come watch me do a little song about how you suck ass' [hyperbole] #so like...... not goin for yet another year i guess :l

[talkorsomething]

at this point it is definitely self-sabatoge to not reply to the phone calls i've gotten but I SWEAR TO GOD if you want to interview me let me schedule that shit!!! Beforehand!!! Send me a goddamn email T_T i cant handle this random phonecall bullshit

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #also i like licked a berry and now my tongue feels kind of strange so thats probably not a good sign #unrelated though it may be #anyways can [redacted] please call me still today i am so so done with the job hunt