#A'sana Dorel
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FFXIV write 2020 - Prompt #3: Muster
((Slight time jump and mild CW for implied nudity))
It was an odd thing to look into the mirror and be confronted with a body that wasn’t her own. In Sana’s mind her body was still the well built, athletic figure that she’d spent years trying to perfect and yet what she saw wasn’t that. The realization settled in her mind like a discordant note, ringing through the far reaches of her psyche and threatening to shatter her normally solid self confidence with it’s disharmony. This body wasn’t hers and yet, as she met her own eyes reflected back to her, stormy with that troubled realization, she couldn’t deny that it was.
Every inch of hard one muscle and definition was gone, lost to the demands of motherhood and life. She wasn’t heavy by any means, but three pregnancies and years away from constant, hard training had erased the svelte beauty her body had once been. Now she wore motherhood on her body with a dramatic flare to her hips and the soft curves in the planes of her once flat stomach. Thighs that had once been as solid and defined as coeurls now had a gentle give to them when gripped. Was that a bit of jiggle in places that didn’t used to jiggle?
Even subtle changes had been rendered to her face, though those had been more subtle than the fanfare of change that had been wrought on her body. Her now thirty-one summers and the demands of four children were beginning to tell on her features. They were no less beautiful, no less refined and elegant, but there was a little less ‘baby fat’ in her cheeks, a little less spark of the fire of youth in her silvered eyes. Thankful, if she were going gray, it was lost amid a sea of already silvered locks. Exhaustion from the demands of her children, her wife and her work painted itself in bruised purple and sallow green shadowed under her eyes. Despite that ever present sign of too little sleep and too much to do, her lips, still full and untouched by the trials of time, seemed permanently curled into a gentle smile that both spoke of contentment but also secrets unending.
There was conflict in her mind, seeing the changes to the body she’d once known and hating the youthful glory of it, but also knowing what those changes meant and embracing the beauty of them. For there was beauty. There was beauty in being reminded constantly that motherhood had stamped itself upon every inch of her form like a badge of honor that she wore willingly and with pride. There was beauty in knowing that she’d gone from the elusive hunter-goddess, always chasing the thrill of the hunt in her own way, and by extension, the thrill of living after those many brushes with death to the mother-goddess, the very embodiment of fertility and domestic life. While she might have been born into a mortal coil, she didn’t see herself as any less the goddess she was in her own mind.
Even seeing the beauty in the changes, it still took an effort to muster courage to show off that form. The little voice in her mind that always struck her down in her weakest moments whispered harsh criticisms about how ugly she’d become. She was a little too heavy in that voice’s opinion. A little too old and more than a little deluded to think anyone would still be attracted to her. On the bad days, when sleep had been a little too lacking and her patience pulled a little too thin, she’d have given into that voice and allowed it to win. She’d have chosen something a bit more conservative in cut to help hide her body and allowed herself to possibly even drift towards matronly.
Not today. Today she would adorn herself in silk and gold and celebrate her body for the glorious thing it was. She’d show off the dramatic flare of her hips and the heavy mounds of her breasts. She would crown her beauty in the finery it deserved and dare anyone, including her own inner demons, to say she was wrong.
#FFxivWrite2020#A'sana Dorel#the price of motherhood#she's still going to have more babies though#ffxiv rp#mateus rp#crystal data center
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FFxivWrite2020 Prompt 20: Calembour
After making full use of their first night of marriage, or at least as much as was available after the proper soak and foot rub that the heel wearing catte had needed by the time they got home, the newlywed couple came up a bit short on their time to prep for their trip. Brem of course had pointed out a number of times that she in fact owned an airship and could fly them anywhere on the star that they wished, but getting her wife into the sky remained a challenge for another day given her sour response. So instead there was rushed packing, and repacking after finding the thing that was almost forgotten, and so on. In the midst of the two person storm of chaos though a though pulled a broad, familiar grin over the giant’s lips.
“You know.. once we get there I feel like we should stay a full thirty days. Really make the most of things!”
Her wife of course blinked a few times as she squished her belongings down a couple more times. “You know we couldn’t leave the kids that long, and what about the Mason? What on earth makes you think we could spend that kind of time on a vacation?”
That grin only grows wider as her beloved wife walks right into the trap she’d so carefully tossed out into the space between them. “Well, it is our honeymoon after all...”
It takes a second or two to process, but as she gets it the smaller woman’s white eyes and ears both slowly droop in frustration and disappointment with the word play, as if she was about to go ask the priestess if it was too late to back out, all while overly proud chuckles nearly cause the roegadyn to collapse onto the bed.
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Consequences
Zareen sat at the small vanity, looking at herself in the mirror. She'd been sitting there a long while, long enough that her features had begun to take on an uncanny cast and she felt she was staring at someone else wearing her face. Which somehow felt right.
When did I lose myself?
Gold eyes stared into gold eyes but found no answers there and finally the miqo'te shook her head and rose. Her make-up, her hair ornaments, her jewelry all remained on the table and the only thing she carried was a small magitek device shaped into a bracelet. She didn't wear it, but held it in her hands and turned it round and round and round again as she made her way down the stairs and out of the house into the garden. The air was icy-cold, the wind screaming off the sea, but as she took the path around the house and into the small cavern where the hotsprings flowed, she quickly warmed up again.
The water was welcoming, but she hadn't come to bathe. She had come here to think, somewhere away from everyone and everything. The little cavern opened up onto the small beach and she was able to watch the steely grey waves foam and chop with the same turmoil that raged through her heart.
When did I become this?
Her eyes fell to the device in her hands. Arden had explained it to her- a sort of limiter that corresponded to the collar-like shackle he wore, something that when activated, would disable him completely so he could be killed cleanly. Based on the device he had made for Sana when they'd faced Xavion, the limiter and shackle were a failsafe.
She wondered if he felt the weight around his neck as heavily as she did.
The mission to save him had been, in retrospect, a disaster. Certainly, they had recovered her mate. He had lived through the trial. They had destroyed a Garlean facility that had produced experimental monsters. They had all come away with fairly minor injuries- at least of the physical kind. But she could in no way call anything that had happened a true success. The family was sundered, she had in no uncertain terms been told to step down from leadership of the Pack, and even as she watched Arden play with his daughters, and sing as he cooked, and looked at her with love shining in his eyes, she couldn't help but wonder if she'd made a mistake.
Am I his wife, his mate, or his jailor?
There were moments when she forgot- when she smiled and laughed, when she held him tightly to her in the night and pressed her ear to his chest and listened to his heartbeat and everything felt right. But there were moments, too many moments, when she looked at him and she could feel the presence of the voidsent inside him. Waiting. Patient. Malevolent. And she would turn the bracelet around her wrist over and over and over and wonder if now was the time, if she would be quick enough to drive a knife through his spine, just below the skull, for the quickest and most painless of deaths. She wanted that for him, if the time came. She could at least give him that.
At times he caught her watching him and his expression would fall, just a little, but there was a terrible understanding in his eyes. He knew she struggled but he couldn't know, she couldn't show him, how difficult that struggle truly was. Every instinct, every generation of every Jaguar that had come before her screaming at her to eliminate the threat that her lover posed. Not just to her. Not just to her family. But to her children.
Her eyes moved from the waves back down to the device before she closed them. She could not go to anyone with this- the family had been conspicuously silent ever since that night in the fringes of the Empire. How do you ask forgiveness for such a thing? How do you even begin? Would they understand that she hadn't known what was to come? That she was still reeling from everything? That she was lost and desperately, desperately needed their help?
When she opened her eyes again, there were tears on her lashes and her gaze had gone dull and hopeless. She couldn't ask for help. She didn't deserve it, not after what she'd been a party to, what she'd helped come to pass. Ayanga at least would take care of the Pack. And she... well, she would return to her house with it's subtle scent of wrongness and watch over her husband, an unwilling warden over a prisoner she could only free by driving a knife into her own heart.
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FFXIV Write Prompt #1: Crux
((CW: Death, implied mental health/anxiety problems, childhood trauma))
It hadn't been easy for Khod'a to slip away, not with someone always keeping an eye on her. She knew it wasn't done to hurt her, but rather to protect her though from what she didn't quite understand. She knew Terbi and Mede had been taken by some bad men, but the details of the whole thing weren't shared and it all seemed an abstract thing to a child of eight summers.
Her mother and her mates almost always kept the house protected, the magitek systems installed armed the moment the door closed.She'd figured out quickly that any magic she did in the house her mother could somehow sense so she didn't dare try to teleport. Instead she'd learned that, for a short period of time in the morning when the nanny came but her mother hadn't left for her business in town that the house was left disarmed and her mother was distracted enough to likely not notice if she slipped out.
She loved A'sana, even if the idea of her being her mother rather than the aunt that she'd been raised to call her was still odd. She cared for her, gave her things that her fathers hadn't and helped her start to feel comfortable in her own body by wearing things her fathers had forbidden. But A'sana wasn't her fathers and that's who she missed the most.
She was still angry with them for simply leaving her. She couldn't quite put to words the sense of abandonment that their sudden absence had caused in her. It had left her feeling unwanted or perhaps even somehow as if their absence was her fault.
Khod'a needed to see her fathers again. She needed the reassurance that they still wanted her. That they loved her and they hadn't justleft her.
As normal Eloise arrived and the system was left disarmed. The hyur chatted with her mother while fussing over Alvin who was gleefully shoving mushy fruit and cereal into his mouth and everywhere around it. It was a happy moment, more so since she knew as soon as her mother left Eloise would give her their focus once Alvin was cleaned and let her pick what project they'd work on for the day.
Today she waited until both adults were distracted and carefully made her way to the door. She knew if she opened it too slowly it would squeak. She'd figured that out all the times she'd helped her mother with the door, playing with it until she figured out the right speed to open it with that wouldn't produce the tell-tale squeak. Even knowing how to do it, she could feel her heart on her tongue with fear as she opened the door and quickly got herself out it and closed it again.
The harsh light of the Thanalan morning made her squint for a few moments as her eyes adjusted.She shoved at her glasses to put them properly back in place but they did little to protect sensitive eyes from the light. Already the heat was making her uncomfortable but soon it wouldn't matter.
She bounded up the stairs leading away from the house, paranoia making her overly cautious about teleporting anywhere near the house. She didn't want to risk her mother being able to tell what she was up to.
Khod'a hated how her nerves made it hard to focus, a flash of frustration tugging at her mind until all the training she'd been put through kicked in. Deep breaths settled her nerves and let her find the balance she needed. The calm place her mind settled into when casting a spell helped still her mind and as she focused on weaving the aether around her so she could us it to pull herself to her fathers home, she was able to forget her fear and anxiety for a brief moment.
Teleportation always left her feeling disoriented, the brilliant flash of aether and the feeling of being yanked through the aether unsettling at best. It wasn’t something that Khod’a typically worried about as most of the places she would have teleported to were safe. Nothing had taught her to worry about that odd moment of disorientation or how vulnerable it could leave her despite her mother’s warnings to not teleport alone.
“It’s a child.” The voice that came from behind carried a familiar accent, so reminiscent of her father Zeti’li and the faint Thavnairian accent he still held in his voice. This, however, was much thicker.
“Didn’t Syn have a child?” The second voice, male to the feminine one that had spoken first, carried an accent just as thick as the first.
“Aye, a boy. That ain’t a boy.”
“Eh...close enough. Not like any other child is going to teleport to an empty house, right?”
Before Khod’a had just begun to process what was going on and what was being said, her small frame having managed half a turn before arms grabbed her from being. Panic tore through her but the scream that it coaxed was muffled by a large hand and before she could even try to pull on any of the magic her mother had taught her, a single word and a gentle brush of aether stole the light from her as she was put to sleep.
~~~~~~~~
Sana had known rage from having a child taken from her. That monster had reared its head and every instinct had driven her to get her children back. Mede was her flesh and blood, the child she’d held within her and had nursed from her own breast so her rage over his kidnapping had been expected but what she hadn’t expected was that rage to be echoed over Terbish being taken as well. Her niece of the heart, she loved the girl as much as she loved her own children and so that rage, that primal need as a mother to protect her children, had carried over to the girl.
Through the whole ordeal, Sana had felt nothing but rage and it wasn’t until after, when the children were safely back with her brother, that anxiety had left her paralyzed. It’d taken weeks before she could be coaxed out of the house, let alone allow Alvin and Khod’a out of sight and sound. She’d just begun to allow herself to feel safe again, more so with a bodyguard present nearly constantly when they were away from the house. Kasen’s presence had been the security blanket that helped ease the worries of an anxious mother.
This time, it wasn’t rage that had gripped her once she and the nanny had realized that Khod’a was missing, but pure panic and fear. With Mede and Terbish, she’d known who’d taken them but this time there wasn’t some ignorant Xaela to go and throw spells at until they stopped moving. This time it was a faceless enemy and one she worried had everything to do with why Khod’a was in her care to begin with.
While Khod’a’s fathers may have tried to put down the life they’d once led and turn their backs to that bloody work, that life had proven that it was not down with them. The assassin and his handler had been forced back into their work to pay old debts. She’d worried about the fact that it’d been weeks since she’d heard from Synd’to, but she’d tried to focus on anything but that. Now she feared she’d made a mistake in that choice.
Finding the trail of aether that Khod’a had left behind hadn’t been hard. She was her daughter, afterall, and their aether was similar enough that Sana knew it the moment she sensed it. A hand rested on her distended belly over one of her daughters, both active and kicking as if their mother’s distress were reflecting on them. As far along as she was in her pregnancy, magic use was becoming risky but she couldn’t wait for anyone else. Instead she reached down the bond she shared with her brother, telling Ayanga more in emotion and vivid impressions what was wrong and where she was going than words. Even as she did, a cocoon of aether was wrapped around the children she carried to help shield them as she followed the aether trail left behind by Khod’a.
Years of experience had taught her how to push past the disorientation of teleporting, her senses immediately stretching to try and sense anything that might have been a threat. She expected an attack and instead found herself face to face with a group of Adder’s standing over what could only lightly be called a massacre. A quick glance told her there were at least four dead and her heart dropped as she recognized a pair of Keepers among the dead: Synd’to and Zeti’li, Khod’a’s fathers.
It had taken time for her to calm, the Adder’s being gentle with her given her obvious pregnancy. Once they’d let her know what had happened and were assured she was Khod’a’s mother, she’d been allowed to see her daughter. What she saw broke her heart almost as much as the deaths of her friends had.
Though Zeti’li had apparently tried to shelter Khod’a as much as he could, the child had seen everything. From the broken bits of story that had been coaxed out of Khod’a, Zeti’li had fallen first before Synd’to had sacrificed himself to bring down the two would-be assassins. Knowing that her daughter had seen both of the parents she’d spent most of her young life with left Sana heartsick and uncertain of what to do.
She’d spent so much time expecting Synd’to and Zeti’li to eventually come back and take Khod’a back from her that Sana had never considered that they wouldn’t be coming back. Let alone that she would not be dealing with a daughter left devastated by such a violent event. She’d never wanted such violence to mar the childhood of any of her children, even knowing that it was a possibility given the family they’d been born into.
It was then that the crux of the matter fully set in. She hadn’t expected to actually be a mother to Khod’a, not so completely. In the end, it didn’t matter. Khod’a was her flesh and blood and now needed her more than anything.
What happened after she’d been reunited with her daughter was a blur, the parade of family and her fiance coming to help her feeling distant as she focused on Khod’a. The girl hadn’t spoken a word outside of a sobbing apology when Sana had first arrived and Sana hadn’t let Khod’a out of her sight once she’d been allowed to her daughter. Her earlier fear had settled into a lingering anxiety that she wasn’t certain was going to pass anytime soon and it was strong enough that it pushed the mournful sorrow that settled under it down enough that she couldn’t quite focus on it yet.
Her own pain would wait. Until her children were safe. Until Khod’a was safe. Anything she needed came second until then.
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FFXIV Write 2020 - Prompt #7: Nonagenarian
It was strange to think of life in terms of decades rather than a year at a time at best, or hour to hour at worst. Yet, as the wedding date approached swiftly, she found herself contemplating what things would be like between her and Brem years in the future. In truth, it was a much easier and more welcome task than the painfully futile one that writing her vows had proven to be.
The idea of getting old wasn’t one that settled well on her vanity, but there was something unique about knowing that, while she was certain that Brem enjoyed her looks, it wasn’t all that the other woman saw in her. There was a part of her that was confident even if her looks completely failed her with age, the love that her and Brem shared for one another wouldn’t fade. As it was Brem had taken the changes motherhood had wrought on her body even before her current pregnancy in stride and it hadn’t cooled the ardor that the woman showed for her, so Sana doubted that age would either.
For so long Sana had lived life simply in small bites, never allowing herself to contemplate what things would be like so far into the future. Having Alvin and Mede had been the first time she’d really considered what life would be like, a decade or two down the road. What kind of mother would she be? What kind of grandmother?
Though, the idea of being a grandmother was a terrifying one as it seemed a hallmark of old age and yet she also found it strangely intriguing. She’d seen how Brem’s parents, her soon to be in-laws, treated Alvin and Khod’a whenever they got the chance to see them. She could see the joy they had spending time with their grandchildren and part of her wanted that. Sana could only imagine what it would be like to embrace her children’s children with that same joy and excitement.
Of course, the idea of her children eventually becoming adults of their own was daunting in its own right. Already Alvin had grown so quickly over the space of a year and while it had been fun to see his personality develop and see the bright, outgoing little boy become his own person. She missed the quiet moments when he’d been only months old, small and innocent. While she’d known it wouldn’t last forever, it had almost given her whiplash with how quickly he’d grown up.
And Khod’a. Even in the short months that she’d had the girl in her care, she’d see how her daughter had blossomed. Her friendship with Terbish and being able to express herself and who she felt she was truly seemed to help bolster the girl’s confidence. She was still a quiet girl and prone to being a bit more reserved, but it was out of a natural sense of caution rather than fear and nervousness. As the years went on, Sana could only begin to imagine what her daughter would be like and she was eager to see how Khod’a continued to blossom as she became a young woman.
As much as the idea of growing older was intimidating, the good that promised to come with it outweighed the sense of intimidation. Of course knowing that the woman she loved and planned to marry in less than a fortnight would spend those years with her helped ease that as well. She was finding there was a lot that love could help her face.
Though, as she looked to the page of notes in front of her that proved to be more scratch marks then the vows they were supposed to be. If only she could figure out how to express all that love and look forward to their older years together in words.
((Brem belongs to @eyesofsteelandsky, Mede and Terbish belong to @talesfromthegameff14))
#FFxivWrite2020#FFxivWrite#A'sana Dorel#I didn't know what to do with this prompt#so have pre-wedding daydreams#ffxiv rp#mateus rp#crystal data center
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ffxiv write 2020 - Prompt #6: Profanity (Extra credit)
“Bah bah bah!”
The crash and clatter of toys hitting the hardwood floor with the loud babble of baby talk rising above it. Normally Khod’a would happily help keep Alvin distracted and quieter but the young girl had gone to lay down, the same crippling headaches that could often strike her mother down leaving the young girl too sick to be up and about. Sana tried to keep the toddler preoccupied with toys but instead of playing quietly like she had expected, the little boy had made up his own game and it seemed to be make as much noise as possible.
A glance at her son apparently was the most delightful thing despite the frown she was certain was plastered across her features because the little half miqo’te toddler launched into a peal of giggling, his ears wiggling and tiny tail wagging with delight. With a new game found, he pulled himself up to stand with all the grace of a newborn gazelle and stooped to pick up the bright blue wooden airship he’d been banging against the ground previously. It was a simple toy with no moving parts to avoid him finding small things to shove into his mouth, but it’d proven to be a favorite of his since he’d gotten it for his nameday.
With the toy in hand, he toddled his way over to his mother, one hand clutching the toy to him and the other chubby hand grasping at his mother. There was always a touch of trepidation when Sana went to pick Alvin up the last few weeks. He was on the big side for his age, at least if he’d been full miqo’te, and she was far enough along in her pregnancy that bending and stooping to pick up the toddler was becoming more and more of a chore. At least sitting, it would be an easier task.
Putting the paperwork she’d been going over to the side, she bent carefully to try and lift the boy up but a combination of too much belly and too much bust made the task difficult. In the effort to try and pull himself up, the young boys lack of coordination caused him to drop the toy, causing it to clatter across the floor. It wasn’t broken, but the look on the toddler’s face was one of concern and the words that came out of his mouth were as priceless as they were unexpected.
“Aww shi~!” He couldn’t quite form the harder sound at the end of the word, but it was unmistakable what the young child had said.
He’d been mostly babbling with a few very clear words mixed in. Both her and Brem were ‘mum-ma’ and ‘mum-mum’, distinct enough that they could usually figure out between the sound and his attention who he was after. He hadn’t, however, managed to string things together enough to make anything close to a sentence yet.
While she knew it would only encourage him, Sana couldn’t help but laugh after her own stunned silence, the toddler starting at the unexpected sound before joining in with his mother’s laughter. And another rapid fire launch of ‘aw shi, aw shi, aw shi’ until the words started to get jumbled up, his laughter becoming interspersed with little hiccups for air.
It took a few moments for Sana to compose herself enough to pull the boy close and place a kiss on top of the red curls adorning his head. “Oh, just wait until your mum gets home and hears this.”
((Brem belongs to @eyesofsteelandsky))
#FFxivWrite2020#FFxivWrite#A'sana Dorel#Alvin#Mother and child#They both curse like pirates so its to be expected#ffxiv rp#mateus rp#crystal data center
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FFXIV Write 2020 - Prompt #19: Where the Heart is
The wedding day had come and gone in a blur of activity that most of it ran together in Sana’s mind, though there were spots that were captured in crystalline accuracy that she doubted she’d ever forget them. They’d so very quickly come to represent the things about the day that had meant the most to her and thus were the most precious. Things that had made the stress and constant checks to make sure the day went smoothly all worth it.
Seeing Khod’a in her first truly fancy dress had brought tears to her eyes, not that the feat of doing so had been particularly hard that day. Seeing her oldest dressed in the filly, powdery blue dress that Khod’a had helped pick herself and the excitement the dress brought had brought a welling of emotion she hadn’t expected. Of course, watching her brother do Khod’a’s makeup and bearing witness to that bonding moment had only added to that deep well of emotion. It both filled her with deep pride to see how much Khod’a had grown but also broke her heart to remember the days when she’d been little more than an infant in Sana’s arms. Sana realized that, despite loving watching her children grow and become their own individuals, she’d always miss the days when they were at their youngest.
After Khod’a was settled, and Sana had managed to dry her eyes enough, it had been Sana’s turn to get her makeup done and get dressed. The intimate moment with her brother was something she would always cherish. It had given her time to relax and pull her mind away from the earlier worries and stresses of wedding planning, though she’d been shooed off by most involved in the set up as well, and just focus on being a bride. No matter what she’d known that Aya would do a wonderful job, and he had, but the time spent with him before she walked to the altar had been more important to her.
The ceremony itself would likely always remain crystal clear in her memory. Each vow to Brem and each given to her in return had meaning so deep that she wasn’t certain the words themselves were enough, but they were another step in a long start of showing just how much Brem meant to her. There were physical memories too, the dress, the cords that had bound their hands for the handfasting and the goblets they’d had their toast out of, but the memories of the ceremony itself and the words exchanged had the deepest meaning for her.
A smile had curled on her lips as she had reminisced over the day and all its meanings and the full circle of the moment wasn’t lost on her. Moonlight spilled across the beautiful, sleeping form of her wife just as the warm glow of dawn had done so that morning and just like before Sana’s heart ached at the beauty of the moment. She knew and had known that where Brem was, her heart went, but having that quiet moment alone after everything that day had come to mean in her mind, had solidified that reality for her.
((Brem of course belongs to @eyesofsteelandsky and Aya to @talesfromthegameff14))
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FFXIV write 2020 - Prompt #15: Ache
((CW for vaguely implied nudity and whatnot. Also, mood music for this one https://youtu.be/MjJUxczKAYE and https://youtu.be/b-MQNDmw9p8 ))
There were moments in her life that Sana cherished and held in almost sacred reverence because of how uniquely special they were to her. Laying in bed, watching the gentle glow of the dawn wash across the pale form of her lover and soon to be wife was one of those moments, more so knowing that in hours they would be married. Though, in that quiet moment, none of that mattered as it felt like she could exist in it and simply be happy for the rest of her life.
Rarely did a sight grab her so tightly that she ached with the need to try and capture it in oils and yet feel some sort of sorrow knowing that oil and canvass would never fully be able to contain everything that made the moment special. She loved the beauty of seeing her love in slumber, seeing the peace that fell across her features. The soft light of dawn favored the fair skinned woman, teasing subtle tones of color from her skin and dancing across the various planes and curves of her well muscled body in a whisper of light rather than the harsher, more garish light that would come once the sun truly rose.
Without thinking, Sana reached to trace her fingertips over the curve of the other woman’s hip, relishing not only the play of skin under her touch, but also the contrast of her much deeper bronzed skin compared to the much lighter tones of her mate. As much as she loved the feel of silk, lace and leather against her skin, nothing would ever compare to the touch of flesh against flesh as lovers came together. A smile curled at her lips as the memories of their shared passion from the night before played through her mind and stirred a very different kind of ache within her.
She wanted to linger in that moment and drink in every single detail of the woman she loved and how she felt right then but she knew it couldn’t last forever. In a few hours time their house would be full of activity as they got ready for the wedding and Aya would be arriving to help Sana in that task. There were so many little details that would need to be seen to that seemed overwhelming if she tried to think of them as a whole. But those could wait and didn’t seem so pressing right that moment.
Sana could feel herself smile as she watched Brem’s eye open and then focus as she came awake and couldn’t help but purr at the familiar touch of work toughened hands brushing along her body. As familiar of a touch it was, the touch she loved the most was when they came to rest on the dramatic curve of her gravid stomach and the twins that lay within. Their daughters. She loved the look that played across Brem’s features, loved how much she knew her love enjoyed seeing her heavy with child and found that she ached for it as much as she ached for anything else associated with the other woman.
There has been so many times in her life when she’d ached and had been worse for it. Battered and bruised, or even just broken by whatever troubles life had thrown at her. In that moment, however, she was happy to ache and embraced it as just another symptom of the ever deepening love she had for the woman she would marry in just a few hours time.
((Brem belongs to @eyesofsteelandsky))
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Affirmation
The quiet nightly routines were the ones that Sana had come to appreciate the most. There'd been a time when she'd felt stifled and chained by domestic life but now she was beginning to see if for the precious thing it was. More so when it gave her the chance to bond with her children.
Khod'a was settled comfortably in front of her, the boy half asleep and purring as she worked a comb gently through the soft curls of his hair. It'd grown some since he'd come to live with her, edging on too long for a boy and making the already rather pretty child look even more androgynous or even feminine depending on his clothes. Clothes that were leaning more and more feminine by Khod'a's choice.
It was something that Sana accepted and was more than happy to support. How Khod'a wanted the world to see him wasn't a concern to her, but preparing him for how the world might eventually treat him was. It was a worry she tired to ignore and simply focus on building a bond with her child and a sense of security for him but like so many other worries she had for all three of her children as well as the two she was pregnant with, it was an uncertainty that would always linger just at the back of her mind.
But it wasn't a worry for that night. Instead another concern had been lingering in her mind, rolled too and from as she tried to decide how to approach the subject with Khod'a. Motherhood seemed a constant learning experience and nothing she'd experienced yet had readied her for the topic she wanted to bring up with Khod'a.
Her brother's adopted daughter, Terbish, had become a common sight at their home, the little girl having become instant friends with Khod'a. It was a friendship that was proving to be a healthy thing for the young Miqo'te who'd had his life completely upended by being sent to live with his mother and her mate. The shy awkwardness he had exhibited had eased and while he was still so painfully quiet at times, being around Terbish seemed to open Khod'a up and give him a bit more confidence. It wasn't a surprise to Sana that Khod'a likely confided things to Terbish that he wouldn't to her.
It had, however, been a surprise to her when Terbish had referred to Khod'a using feminine pronouns and even went as far as correcting Sana when Sana used the wrong pronouns. At the time she had simply smiled and adjusted but the thought to talk to Khod'a had lingered in her mind. While she wasn't afraid to have the conversation with Khod'a, she wasn't sure how to have it. Nothing in her still relatively short tenure in motherhood had prepared her for how to have this conversation.
It hadn't been hard to work out having time alone with Khod'a. Brem was home from the ship for a few days so her fiancée had happily jumped at the chance to put their toddler son to bed. It freed Sana up to focus solely on Khod'a and at first her focus had been putting the child at ease and making sure he was relaxed. Most of their conversation to that point had been him asking her questions about her travels, a topic he seemed fascinated with even if she was careful to edit out the less lawful aspects of her past that she wasn't quite sure how to address just yet.
A few moments of comfortable silence had settled between them before Sana finally asked, "Khod'a, when Terbi said that you were a girl and not a boy, did you ask her to call you a girl?"
She felt Khod'a stiffen some under her hands while she worked at putting his hair into a braid for the night. Pregnancy made leaning forward a bit awkward but she managed enough to press a reassuring kiss to the top of his head. The only thing she could hope was that her previous actions and responses to him had laid the foundation for him to trust her with this.
The younger Miqo'te shifted restlessly in place, worry causing his ears to press flat and his tail to flick in short, sharp little motions. “Yes...I don’t like being called a boy.”
Careful, practiced motions finished off the braid she’d been working on and tied it off with a short bit of ribbon, making sure that it was secure enough that it wouldn’t come undone while Khod’a was sleeping. Sana wasn’t surprised by the statement, having contemplated over it but hadn’t wanted to push her child one way or the other. She knew plenty of men, including her brother Aya, who weren’t afraid to wear feminine clothes and it didn’t make them any less male. She simply wanted Khod’a and all her children to be happy and comfortable with who they were.
It made her heart ache to see the signs of worry and nervousness in Khod’a and she couldn’t help but wonder if this was something he’d tried to bring up with his fathers only to have it ignore or met with opposition. She cared for Synd’to, enough that she hadn’t hesitated when it came to helping him when it had come time to conceive and carry Khod’a, but she knew he had his faults when it came to certain things. Raising their son in Gridania, knowing the rather close minded views of the locals, had been a choice he’d made a purpose and hadn’t done much to encourage Khod’a to be any different.
Even Khod’a’s mixed heritage wasn’t something spoken about, though a Seeker and a Keeper having a child together was far more acceptable than if they’d been of different races. While neither Synd’to or his husband had said anything about Alvin and Mede being obviously mixed race, Sana knew neither had approved. She didn’t doubt their quietly held prejudices stopped there and there was guilt in the fact that she hadn’t taken the time to see how those prejudices might have been affecting Khod’a until she was put into a position where she couldn’t simply let it be their problem. She’d deal with the two of them if and when they returned, but until then Khod’a was her child and his worries and concerns were hers to deal with.
She realized belatedly that his tension had grown in the face of her silence and almost seemed to be a living thing of its own surrounding him. Carefully, she turned Khod’a so they were settled side-saddle across her lap, a hand gently tilting his chin up so that his brilliant green gaze met hers. It never ceased to surprise her at just how much he favored her father and thus her. Fine boned and almost fragile in his vulnerability, she couldn’t help but wonder if that was what she’d looked like to everyone else when she’d been his age.
“Khod’a...if that’s what you want, all you have to do is say so. No one can tell you who you are.” She marvelled that she managed to keep her voice soft and gentle despite the burn of tears that she was desperately trying to keep from her eyes and the tone of her voice. “No matter what anyone says, the only person who knows how you feel and who you feel you are is you. So if you feel you’re a girl, then you’re a girl.”
“But daddy and papa…” Khod’a started in and then trailed off when Sana gently hushed the child, pressing a kiss to their temple.
“I don’t care what your fathers told you, saghiri,” She corrected gently, the Antelope term familiar as all the children tended to be called little, “I will deal with them when the time comes. They are not you nor can they make that choice for you. If you feel you’re a girl and that is how you wish to be called, then that’s it. If not, that is fine too. There’s nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is forcing someone to be something they aren’t, do you understand?”
Wide eyed, Khod’a blinked owlishly at her as if some other answer or gentle lesson had been expected. It took a few moments before Khod’a nodded, ears pressed back in a sheepish gesture. “I don’t like being called a boy. I’m not a boy, I’m a girl like Terbi.”
“Then that’s that.” Sana’s tone was, while still gentle, matter of fact. In her mind, there was no reason to argue. There was worry, more so knowing how harsh the world could be and how cruel people were, but they were worries for another day and another time.
Worries that were well out measured by the almost fear in Khod’a’s expression as she looked up at Sana. “You’re not mad at me about it?”
It wasn’t often that Sana was thankful her past profession allowed her to school her expression around her family but in this case she was thankful she knew she could keep her anger from her features. She’d have to have a very long talk with Synd’to and his husband if Khod’a’s worry was anger over such a thing. In rare form, she prayed that none of her other children would ever fear bringing anything like this to her.
“No, saghiri, I’m not mad at you. I would never be mad at you about something like this.” Gently she pulled Khod’a to her so the child could rest her head against Sana’s chest, albeit with a little adjusting due to Sana’s pregnancy. With Khod’a settled, she gently rocked the younger miqo’te as she had so often since Khod’a had come to stay with her, knowing the child found the motion soothing. “All I want is for you to be safe and happy. If this makes you happy, then I am happy for you.”
A quiet nod followed Sana’s words but further response wasn’t so quick to follow nor did Sana try to coax one from Khod’a. She could only begin to imagine how much was going through the young child’s mind and she knew that some things needed time to process. She was more than happy to give Khod’a all the time she needed.
Though, when it took even longer than expected for an answer to come, Sana couldn’t help but look at the child in her arms. Khod’a had mostly drifted off, lashes still damp with quiet tears but at least the troubled look that so often seemed to rest on her features even in rest was gone for the moment. Not wanting to wake the sleeping child and not trusting herself to be able to carry Khod’a without falling, she was content to rest there.
“You should have put him to bed before he fell asleep, Wyznblyss.” Brem’s voice pulled Sana out of the doze she’d drifted off as much as the sensation of Khod’a’s weight being lifted off of her.
“She needed to talk and comforting and I wasn’t about to say no. It likely won’t be the last time I end up pregnant and trapped under a sleeping child.” Sana pointed out with a sleepy laugh.
“Not if we keep having kids like we are…” There was a quiet questioning in Brem’s gaze, the choice of pronouns not lost on her fiancee.
Sana simply shook her head, a tired smile on her lips as sleep still clung to her mind even as she stood to follow her wife to be as she went to put Khod’a to bed. “I’ll explain later. For now...let's put her to bed and go to bed ourselves. It’s been a long day.”
More than the call of bed, Sana wanted the warmth of her mate’s arms knowing their children were asleep and happy. It was one of the rare truly bright spots of happiness in her life that she doubted could ever truly be stamped out.
((Terbish and Ayanga belong to @talesfromthegameff14 and Brem belongs to @eyesofsteelandsky))
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FFXIV Write 2020 - Prompt #8: Clamor
((TW: Mental illness, anxiety attack))
Plink. Plink. Plink. Plink…
With both children asleep for the night and Brem not expected back for another day or so, the house was painfully quiet. Every little creak and groan of the building as it seemed to sigh and settled for the night was an assault to Sana’s ears. And then there was the drip. She hadn’t even known the kitchen sink had one until the house had become so quiet she almost couldn’t stand it.
Of course, the almost startling sounds against the starkness of the silent house paled in comparison to the clamor of thoughts as they bounced around her mind. There was so much to do, so much to prepare for and each thing seemed to have a trillion little tasks all attached to them until she felt suffocated under them. Of course, it didn’t help that she’d pushed herself too hard that day and now, towards its close, she was too exhausted to do anything despite all the demands her mind made on her to continue to go.
All the little chores around the house, the paperwork that she’d been avoiding going over for days, the vows she still hadn’t written, all of them demanded her attention and she still had hours left in the day to get them done. Yet, it was all she could do to just lay there on the couch in a tired daze, her hand gently stroking at her belly as her twin daughters seemed to dance under her touch, unaware of their mother’s plight. It made her feel worthless, the times when fatigue won out.
There were mothers who had more children than her without the luxury of a nanny and family to help tend to them. One particularly nasty voice liked to point out that there were mother’s who tended several kids, kept house and even managed the household affairs, some likely even while pregnant and it doubted they would rest until it was time to sleep for the night. Clearly, she was lazy despite the fact that her body seemed to ache with the exhaustion she felt and even the thought of getting up to do her nightly routine seemed challenging.
That was another point that left her pride tattered and gave that nasty little voice fuel for the fire it slowly was using to burn away at her core; her routines. Days and nights had set routines, things that allowed her to keep her looks up and generally take care of herself. Normally she found solace in them, but even from the beginning of the pregnancy she’d struggled some days with being too tired to bother with the entirety of her routines. Some days, it was about all she could do to pin her hair up in a mostly neat fashion and manage enough make up to hide the dark stains under her eyes and brighten up her complexion some. That day, she hadn’t even managed that, instead going bare faced and simply braiding her hair back to at least keep it out of the way.
Shame made the voices stronger, each accusing her of things she should be doing better. She should do more. She should be a better mother. She’ll be a horrible wife at this rate. She should be getting more done. She should be more successful. Why was she just laying there when the kitchen hadn’t been cleaned from dinner? Why hadn’t she bothered to take a bath yet? She hadn’t eaten yet and she knew better. Was she trying to harm her babies? It was her fault Khod’a had gotten away and her father’s were dead. Everything was her fault. Everything.
It was about all she could do to turn her head into the pillow and muffle her sobs, one arm clutching to the plush surface like a lifeline while the other cradled her belly protectively. Her body hurt from the strength of her sobs, her ears ringing with so many voices that they just became a persistent white noise. A white noise that seemed to weigh on her whole being, pressing into her chest until even the act of breathing was a labored chore.
Eventually there seemed to be a point, as there always was, where everything seemed to shatter and she found the eye of that hurricane within. There she lay, the wounds of her psyche deep and bleeding to the point that they left her numb. Staring blankly into the dead fireplace, cheeks stained with tears and her body limp with exhaustion was how Brem had found her. What should have been a surprise early arrival turned into a quiet sort of triage. It wasn’t the first time Brem had been the one to help piece Sana back together after she’d lost against that inner storm.
Everything was distant, even the words that her wife to be spoke, most met with muted responses or even simply mute nods or shakes of her head.
Had she eaten? A quiet shake of her head. Something light was found, though it tasted like ashes on her tongue and made her stomach protest.
Were the children asleep? A simple nod but still a few moments of quiet and solitude that felt like a vacuum as Brem went to peak in on the kids to ensure they hadn’t stirred in the meantime and seen their mother in a moment of need.
Have you bathed yet? Do you want to bathe? The first question had been an ease shake of her head but the second had required thought. Thought that brought back some of the inner shame and condemnation. She was too tired to bathe, the thought of trying to do so, even with help, left her feeling even more exhausted than she was. At first she answered with a simple ‘I don’t know’ and then and even quieter yes.
The water was warm and seemed a balm on sore muscles that had held the tension of not only of the battle her psyche had lost but also from the weight of her pregnancy weighing on her. The familiar touch of her fiance’s large hands, rough and battle worn but gentle and calming, helped to further ease that tension, and in turn ease some of the physical pain she felt. The same hands that helped her tend to her hair and get ready for bed. Some nights Sana would make an effort to wear something to bed, enjoying how silk and lace felt against her skin and how it made her lover look at her, but that night she wanted the soothing cool of the room against her bare skin.
That was how she finally surrendered to the oblivion of sleep, coccooned in the cool of the silken sheets on their bed, chilled by the room and contrasting against the solid heat of her lover against her back. Wrapped in strong arms that helped anchor a body that seemed disconnected from itself, she finally felt safe and truly calm rather than simply numb.
She’d lost against the clamor of voices in her mind that day, the ever constant din of things that sought to tear her bit to bit from within. She’d lost a battle that day, but she wasn’t given up on the war just yet.
((Brem belongs to @eyesofsteelandsky))
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FFxivWrite2020 Prompt 16: Lucubration
A coarse palm pushes it’s way up along the natural half of the roegadyn’s face, smushing her features along the way while trying to drag the outer layers of glaze from her attention. She was starting to go mentally numb from the constant re-reading of the ‘script’ in front of her, something she imagined Sana had locked into memory within the first couple of readings. It wasn’t a lack of interest in the moment being practiced for, or even the words themselves. Just thinking about the fact that they were so close to the actual date of the wedding continued to get a few goosebumps going.
The issue was that she had never actually had to practice this sort of thing, at least not since she was a child reciting something for her instructors. Needing to sit and practice for showing her love simply felt weirdly stilted. The Sea Wolf certainly appreciated that some things had ceremony to them, tradition mattered deeply after all. But a declaration of love, one to be soul linking and everlasting felt like it deserved to come directly from her, and not a priestess’s script. After all, she had declared things she was far less passionate about to entire crowds off the cuff hundreds of times now. Why not this?
A tired eye sets back to the page in front of her to start reading through the script again, even if her mind was only half behind the effort. The ceremony wasn’t about her, not as directly as it would have seemed anyway. It may mark officially starting a life with her lover that was already underway, but the wedding itself was for everyone else. Friends, family, the Twelve themselves. A promise to the lot of them that she would not falter in her words that day. And as such, the words themselves mattered. Mattered too much to get wrong.
The wedding was for them, the words were for them. She had the eternity that follows to show her love any way she saw fit, and it still felt like only barely enough.
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FFXIV Write 2020 - Prompt #11: Ultracrepidarian
“As you can see, Lady Sha, it’s a beautifully preserved book. No missing pages, no age or water damage. Exactly something I know you have interest in.” The broker cheerfully explained as he showed off the book to A’sana, using the title of her working alias.
It was a beautiful book indeed, the heavy, leatherbound thing a startling crimson that, despite how old it supposedly was, hadn't been touched by age. That alone raised suspicion for her. While she knew the Gubal Library had some of it’s automated custodians still intact, she knew from experience many of the wings had fallen into disarray and the books contained within with them. She was certain there were some well preserved books in there, she doubted this was one such example.
She didn’t amass a collection like the personal one that she had without being to spot a counterfeit, even a very good one. Her fingers traced along the inner cover of the book, a frown tugging at her lips when she felt the uneven work under the glued edges. Flipping through the book, she caught passages in places where they were clearly mistranslated. Not enough that a novice would have caught it, but enough that with experience it could be caught. The same with some of the arcane diagrams that, if used in the state they were in within the book, would cause the rituals they were used in to fail.
“Of course, I personally know the adventurer who retrieved the book. They had to fight tooth and nail to bring it back here, Lady Sha. They almost didn’t make it!” The broker continued to blather on, clearly oblivious to the fact that what he was trying to sell her was hardly the thing he claimed it to be. “Now, I would love a chance to work out a price-”
“No.” The single word was spoken in a soft, firm tone that instantly caught the attention of the man. “No, I will not be buying today and likely never from you again if you can’t tell the difference between a counterfeit and the real thing.”
The broker sputtered and tried to find his words but failed. Of course, A’sana had plenty of words to give him and none of them pleasant. She had little patience at the best of times for fools who spoke about things they didn’t know and understand, and with the lack of sleep she’d had as of late, her patience was even thinner. She had no problem with correcting the brokers mistakes.
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Epiphany
((This has been brewing at the back of my mind for a bit but it took getting past some writer’s block to actually write it. 3 am drabble with no edits otherwise I would have never posted it so enjoy!))
It’d been a lazy day in the Dorel household, something that Sana had been thankful for. Pregnancy sickness had struck hard and had stubbornly lingered, making even simple tasks hard for her, let alone the prospect of taking care of the house and her sons. Meetings had been cancelled in favor of languishing at home and Eloise, Sana’s long time retainer turned nanny, had happily come over to help tend to the boys so Del and Brem didn’t have to stay home with her. She knew they would have at a moments notice, but there was some guilt that would have lingered at the back of Sana’s mind so she’d shooed them off.
She should have been able to handle being pregnant and a mother at the same time. So many others had done it, so why couldn’t she? And yet, after just a few bells of spending most of her time too sick to properly take care of her children, she’d called the nanny and had gone to wallow in guilt in her bed. Sana knew how bad her pregnancy sickness had been in the first few months with the boys, but part of her had somehow expected it to be different this time and now that it wasn’t, that nasty part of her mind she tried so desperately to ignore most of the time made her feel as if she’d failed somehow at being a mother.
Movement on the bed brought her out of the exhausted dazed she’d been in since the worst of the sickness had passed. Much to her surprise, Khod’a had come to join her in bed, the petite boy cuddling against her when she didn’t shoo him off. A tired smile pulled at her lips as she wrapped her arm around him, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head.
“Is something the matter, abanai?” The Antelope word for ‘my son’ came easily to her, since it was the same she used for Alvin and Mede. Khod’a, once he knew what it meant, seemed to find some comfort in knowing she would use the same word for the babies as she would for him.
“Omi...is there something wrong with me?” While she was touched that he remembered the Antelope word for mom that she’d taught him, what came after worried her.
She knew that his fathers leaving him suddenly with her had been hard on him, but he’d been so quiet about it that it worried her. Once or twice he’d truly been emotional over the situation, but otherwise he proved to be a quiet, shy and reserved child and it worried her. It didn’t seem healthy for him to be so reserved and now this.
Adjusting some so she could prop herself against a pillow and hold him to her, she let out a soft, worried trill. “Why would you ask that, little one?” When Khod’a shifted and tried to shy away, she pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Talk to me, abanai. What’s wrong, hmm?”
“Miss Eloise asked me what I wanted for my nameday and when I told her I wanted a pretty dress like some of yours, she said only girls get pretty dresses.” A so very serious frown rested on the little boys brow as he spoke, though she could see the hurt that played behind his brilliant emerald eyes. “Daddy used to say the same thing, though Papa would sometimes say if I wanted one when I was older I could have one…”
Sana didn’t push him when he trailed off in shy awkwardness, instead sighing gently as she pressed her forehead to the top of his head. She’d often wondered about Khod’a and if things were a little different with him. Spending day in and day out around him had brought those concerns even closer to the surface. He didn’t act like the little boys she’d grown up around or even saw here and there. Granted, she’d known girls who could keep up with most little boys, but still...something was different with Khod’a and she knew it.
She wasn’t even angry with Eloise. She doubted the woman had said what she had with any ill intent, though she’d wished the woman had chosen her words better given what she knew of their family. It was something she’d speak with the woman about later, for the time being her son was her focus.
“Why do you want a dress, little one?” Sana made sure to keep her tone gentle and warm, wanting to ensure that her son didn’t have to worry about judgement or anger from her. She wanted him to be honest with her and feel comfortable coming to her.
There was another moment of awkward silence before he shrugged, his ears flat and the tail he was still growing into tucked tight against him. It broke her heart to see the very obvious signs of worry and discomfort in the young boy. Trying to reassure him, she kissed the top of his head, her hand stroking through his long raven curls.
“I don’t want to look like a boy. I want to look like a girl.” He admitted quietly, the tremble in his voice telling her this likely wasn’t the first time he’d admitted it and expected to be met with opposition.
Instead, Sana hugged him closer to her, pressing a kiss to the top of his head as she blinked back tears. He didn’t need to know that she didn’t have the faintest clue how to handle that request, but already her mind was working to try and figure out how to fix things for him. She might now have been in his life for the first seven years, but she sure as hell was going to try and be there now that he needed her.
“Then we’ll make you look like a girl.” She said with a soft smile, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “How about we go shopping when I feel better, hmm? We’ll see if we can find a few things that will fit you? When your Aunt Aveis is feeling better after she’s had her baby, then we can see if she’ll make some fancy dresses like she does for me. Does that sound good?”
The surprise that played across Khod’a’s face was clear and Sana was certain it wasn’t the answer that he was expecting. Her heart broke when she saw the tears form in his eyes before he buried his face against her chest. Holding him as he sobbed quietly finally broke her, her own tears falling quietly as she rocked and soothed him as best she could.
It was enough to know without words that he was thankful that she hadn’t said no. In truth, Sana didn’t care if Khod’a wanted to be seen as a boy or a girl. What Khod’a chose was their choice alone as far as she was concerned. She just knew she’d love Khod’a unconditionally no matter what and for once, she felt confident enough to know that she could be the mother they needed.
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FFXIV write 2020 - Prompt #17: Fade
Fingers ran over the soft, raised flesh of old scars and try as she might the memories tied to them still haunted Sana. They were softened by time, starting to fade some around the edges so they no longer were the raw wounds on her psyche that they once were, but they would always linger as a reminder. In some ways they were reminders of lessons hard learned, but a few were memories of things she’d have rather forgotten.
Annoyance played across her features as she tried to forcefully pull her mind away from her thoughts. They were by far the last thing she wanted to linger on as the tailor worked to make sure her dress fit properly for the wedding. It was a last minute fitting, but with her body changing weekly it seemed with the later half of her pregnancy, they hadn’t dared finalize any earlier. Her fingers gave one last brush along the ever so faint claw marks on her left thigh before letting the dress fall in place properly, trading the play of flesh under her touch for that of silk.
It was easier to simply cover up the faded scars and what she couldn’t cover, she simply ignored. Happier things demanded her attention, even though the spectres of her past hung heavy in her mind. She hated it, she decided as the tailor came to help secure the fastens of her dress and ensure everything did indeed fasten. She loathed that even days before something that filled her with joy even before it had happened, her mind still tried desperately to sabotage her.
With the dress secure, Sana finally looked at herself in the full length mirror, falling quiet for a moment as she was struck by emotion that had nothing to do with her previously negative thoughts. She’d tried on the dress before, but this was the final fit and it left her speechless at how well the dress fit her. Instead of trying to hide her pregnancy under layers of cloth, the silk skimmed her body and hugged her motherly curves, celebrating everything they were. She felt beautiful and desirable in the dress, if a little daring given some of the cut choices in it and the unconventional color.
Seeing herself one step closer to her wedding day helped spread a balm across the darker memories that beat at the back of her mind, fading them back into a the quiet whisper they normally were. It was easy once again to remember why she was happy and why she was waiting in anxious anticipation. Remembering she was loved help heal wounds that, while their physical wounds had long since begun to fade away, were still very much a part of her soul.
#FFxivWrite2020#FFxivWrite#a'sana dorel#pre-wedding jitters#Also the writer is sleep deprived#so you get another short story
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FFXIV write 2020 - Prompt #10: Avail
...my love for you is boundless and without words to truly describe it. If anything, in writing these vows, I began to truly understand just how deep and….
Sana’s quil skittered across the page, leaving a smear of pooled blak ink on the otherwise still mostly pristine parchment as the sound of Khod’a screaming sent an electric shock through her body. Of course, the unexpected and loud sound in close vicinity of a sleeping Alvin meant that only seconds later, Alvin was wailing in discontent at being woken so rudely but his sister. For a brief moment, Sana stared at the page, the train of thought that was proving finally fruitful in writing her vows gone.
Since the attack on her and witnessing the death of her father’s, Khod’a had been having night terrors, which meant Sana had taken to sleeping on the couch when Brem wasn’t there so she could hear if Khod’a and Alvin by extension needed her. It however meant that she was often even more stiff and sore than normal as the couch wasn’t exactly the most comfortable thing to sleep on deep into her six month of pregnancy. She knew the lack of sleep and nagging pain from stiff, tired muscles wasn’t helping her any in her daily life, let alone trying to write her vows.
While she wasn’t about to rush up the stairs and risk falling, she did move with a sense of urgency to go calm her children. In the end, she ended up in the bottom bunk of the bed with Alvin cuddled between her and Khod’a, both children having drifted off to sleep after gentle reassurances and a familiar lullaby. Sana knew it wasn’t a good idea for her to sleep there for the night, but she’d found herself simply too tired to get herself up. Besides, maybe a nap would help her find her earlier vow writing muse.
#FFxivWrite2020#FFxivWrite#A'sana Dorel#I almost didn't write this#my sleeping pattern is fucked#but I'm determined to do all 30 days#here we go
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Levy
(A quick drabble follow up for a recent rp)
What have I done?
The question hovered in her mind like a specter, constantly haunting her despite all efforts to ignore it. It’d been there as she held Mede, trailing behind the happy sounds her son had made after he’d been brought home safe and sound. She’d heard it whispering softly in the recesses of her mind as she kissed Alvin and Khod’a good night, unable to rest despite her body's demands for it until she knew her other two children were safe.
Even then, sleep hadn’t come easily and was restless until finally she’d given up, carefully pulling herself out from between her mates to go upstairs where the window overlooking the quiet, sleeping Goblet called her. On other nights, looking over the moonlight frosted rooftops and the looming mountains beyond had given her a sense of comfort but tonight they stood in silent condemnation. Even they seemed to whisper that same phrase over and over again until it was a deafening symphony of guilt.
Void magic was something that she knew well in theory but rarely ever put into practice. The price was often too high for her to be willing to pull from that pool of knowledge no matter how tempting the power it promised was. There was also the fact that the Pack hunted void users and while she could no longer deny the fact that she wasn’t a void witch, she tried hard to not give her family a reason to need to eventually put her down as well. No amount of power was worth the pain that would bring to her family.
And yet…
She’d so readily called upon that knowledge to save her son. The rush of almost euphoria that came from letting the surge of power run through her had been a heady thing and she wondered if it’d pushed her further than she would have normally allowed herself to go. While she was certain her rage at having her child put in harm’s way had tempered it some, she wasn’t all together certain it’d been enough. It wasn’t the deaths that she felt guilt over, those she’d killed had been dead the moment they’d kidnapped Mede, but how she did it was the issue.
Turning her attention inward to examine the ebb and flow of her own aether, the damage she’d done was evident to her. She’d been born tainted, she knew that, but it’d been so small that had she never gone down the path she’d chosen it would have never grown. Every time she pulled from void magic, every blood magic spell she swore was worth the price, all of it added to that taint little by little. She’d gotten her revenge and had saved her son, but at a cost to herself. What had been a flicker of void taint that danced in stark black and deep purple around the edges of her aether had now woven itself even deeper into that inner flow, darkening that blue-white river with its presence.
Even deeper she dove until she found the little cocoons of aether of the babies she carried. Ever so carefully she examined them, making sure that her actions hadn’t doomed them even before they had a chance to truly live. Her eyes burned with unshed tears as she found them untouched, the precautions she’d taken to shield them having worked well. For a moment she let herself simply be with them, finding a sense of calm and wonder in knowing they were healthy and untouched.
She could have lost them, or even worse left them tainted beyond what might have come from her bloodline. She’d been so reckless and yet she’d done what she’d needed to do in order to get her child back home to his father. She just wasn’t sure how far she’d go in the name of protecting her children or her family. First she’d nearly killed herself trying to help save Ayanga, Dunrai, C’tolemy, Mede and Terbish and now this.
For years she’d gone without allowing anyone close to her except for three disastrous times and now she had so many people she’d allowed not only to get close but into her heart and soul. Everything in her screamed to protect them at all cost, even if the cost was herself. She knew it would only be a matter of time before she’d be forced to pay with a little more of herself again.
She just wasn’t sure how much of herself she had to give before the price was too much.
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