#Anyway yeah that face caress was wild but THIS was just completely unnecessary...

[caroline18mars]

A Man On Fire - Chapter 55

“Jared” she nodded her hello as she walked onto the stage where soundcheck had just finished, he only nodded briefly and headed towards Shannon to discuss a few more details, “woww, ok, talk about a warm welcome back” Shayla sighed but the tourmanager shrugged “what did you expect? That they would welcome you with open arms? The way you were blazing out of here, burning every bridge behind you? Aiming all that anger at Harper..I have to say it only made them stronger and rightfully so, Coco's one of the kindest, warmest souls anyone has ever met and the fans just adore her”. Bam, first shot was fired right between the eyes “Whatever..just point me in the direction of a laptop and the itinerary, it's probably been a complete mess here without my expertise” she hoisted her handbag higher over her shoulder “oh and another thing, tell Sean to keep his lying and cheating ass as far away from me as possible” and stomped off. “I did it Shan, I popped the question” Jared waited for his brother to put his sticks down and follow him, he just needed someone to talk to, “No?! Oh my god..and what..what did she say?”. Jared showed him the mail conversation “oh Jared, that's no way to ask a girl to marry you..sending her an e-mail? That's something you ask face to face not via some old skool way of communication..although old skool is kinda romantic..anyway, are you for real? I mean, you've known each other for how long? Weeks? Thank god, she's smarter than you, she's keeping it very real, I mean that's a very elegant 'no' right there” his thumb hovered over her answer and suddenly Jared's heart sank, elegant was definitely one of the least things that could be said about her. For most of his adult life he had been on the other side, fearing that one of the million girls with their million anonymous faces would ask him or even raise the topic of marriage, walking away before any of them could..but now..now was different and she brushed him off..sucks..sucks real hard!. Jared grabbed his phone out of Shannon's hand all annoyed “yeah yeah, anyway, doesn't matter” he mumbled, “yes it does, it does matter, it's heartwarming to see how much you two love each other, it's not something you see every day anymore, just don't be impulsive, the rest of your lives is a reaaaallly long time”. The more his brother tried to make him see sense, the more upset he got, he needed to see her and talk about this now..or just be with her was fine too, as long as he was around her.

And draw and paint was exactly what she did, a few delicate drawings of that handsome devil in bed with that cathedral of a body.., and a wet canvas with wild, primary colors to get the frustration out of her system, it just felt good to be doing what she loved again. He gently opened the door, there she was, her glorious body beautifully silhouetted against the diffuse late afternoon light streaming into the room, “hey” noticing him she turned around, she looked incredible even with smudges of paint on her face and clothes. “Hey” he pulled her body tightly against his, their lips locking in a hungry kiss that didn't feel awkward at all, thank god, “I missed you” was there anything else he could still say to her? in his mind he heard himself constantly repeat that same line over and over, it was true, he constantly missed her. Opening his eyes when she pulled out of the kiss, he stared at the result of a day's work “that's..amazing..even though it's me”, she followed his stare “ah, yes, that's just some dabbling” and shrugged, it was still weird to get instant feedback on her work. “Dabbling??” he took his phone from his pocket and started taking pictures but she pushed his hand down “hey, that's for Instagram” he gave her a puzzled smile, “no, it's not..I don't care about Instagram, all I care about right now is just being with you” she wrapped her arms around his waist and gave him a seductive grin. “Aha! Is that right? And how do you want to be with me?” he bit his lip and then licked it, “oh I don't know” she snuck her hands underneath his shirt and let them caress his abs for a few seconds before they ventured south and unbuckled his belt, something in his head popped in pure joy when she yanked his fly open and let herself slide to her knees, touching and feeling every bulge and every straight line and curve on her way down. She wasn't gentle at all, before he knew it she was stroking him up and down, caressing his hard cock against her cheeks, suggesting that it was gonna get moist and hot pretty soon, “Yum” her eyes shot up to his, letting her tongue run up  the long, thick shaft before it disappeared between her warm, full lips to sink further into her mouth that seemed designed for accomodating him. Grabbing hands dug into her hair, she wanted it rough well she could get it real rough, yanking it hard so he slipped out of her mouth, question marks in her eyes when he barked “look at me”, her mouth still hanging open. “Beg” he barked again, taking two deep breaths and licking her lips she submissively whispered “please?” but that wasn't enough, “please what? And this time with a little bit more enthusiasm”. All she could focus on was that dick twitching in anticipation in front of her, I'll craw through dirt, I'll do anything to get that massive stick inside of me “I really need it” a dramatic flap of eyelashes that stirred something animalistic awake deep inside of him, no begging necessary anymore, this was gonna be the ride of his life he could feel it.

An hour later he kissed that tiny ticklish spot on her collarbone, she flexed with a little giggle “stop, I'm too exhausted for another round” she whispered, “I'm not, but I'll let you off the hook as I have to be on stage soon” he put his head down on her chest listening to her heartbeat slowing down after a very wild round, absolute bliss in every second of it. He took a deep breath “shouldn't we be talking about this?” he lifted his head again and kissed the spot between her breasts, “about what?” uh-oh, please don't let it be about... ”Oh I don't know, maybe about the fact that you declined my marriage proposal”. Exactly the one thing she didn't want to discuss “come on, Jay..let's not do this..” she tried to wriggle free, she just felt so awkward. “Ohhh no you don't, you stay right here, we ARE gonna talk about this” he pushed her back down on the mattress and put her body in a lock so she couldn't get away, “look, I know it came as a surprise but I just felt and feel it, it's all going so well, we're right together..and you're the first woman I've asked..maybe you've had to fight off all the guys proposing to you..what are you so afraid of? Don't you believe in 'us'?”. Why did they have to discuss this now? Why spoil the moment? “What am I afraid of? Oh, I don't know..weren't you and Shannon raised by a single mom?” her tone of voice changed from soft to crabby, “yes but what has that got anything to do with it?”, she could hardly believe her ears, marriage equalled getting yourself into a whole lot of trouble. “What? It's got everything to do with it, I don't want to be raising kids on my own” she snapped back, whooaaa, how did they get from getting all loved up to a blistering fight about to happen “who says we need to have kids? You clearly don't want them and neither do I?! I don't know what century you're from, but you don't need to get married to get kids anymore” he huffed. She roughly grabbed his hands and struggled herself free shooting up from the bed like an arrow from a bow to cover herself up quickly pulling a shirt over her head, her nakedness seemed completely unnecessary right now. Just when he got up too to go after her, there was a knock on the door “just a minute” he quickly hoisted his pants and up and buttoned up before he opened to door to Shayla “we're leaving in half an hour”. Was that a scowl on her face when her eye fell on the messed up bed and she picked up on the tension in the room? “fine, I'll be right down” he sighed and closed the door again to address that exact tension. “Babe” he softly said as she busied herself cleaning her brushes “do we really have to fight about this?”, Harper shrugged “no, because I'm clearly too stupid and old-fashioned for you, go on, get ready so you can talk to and be around much more intelligent grown ups” she sulked. “I refuse to fight over this, so I'm going to get ready and so are you because you're coming!” he unbuttoned his trousers again “so either you're getting under the shower with me right now or you can sit here and sulk” he challenged her but when she ignored him he shrugged “fine have it your way”.

”What's wrong? Did you two have a fight or something?” Shannon whispered when he saw Harper get into the second van with most of the crew instead of getting in with them, “don't ask” Jared let his brother get in, his stomach sinking with every second, she had given him the cold shoulder, refusing to talk when they really needed to and now there was no time. “Trouble?” Sean scooted next to her, getting a bit too close for comfort, she pushed him away a little to clearly mark the boundaries, “no, no trouble” she sighed as her phone ding-donged the arrival of an e-mail, not now Jared!. “Ok, well, this is the crew van and Jared is in the other one, I thought you'd be with him” oh shut up, Sean, can't a girl just be alone with her thoughts for a minute? “I'm still crew, aren't I?” she grabbed her phone, just to look busy so he would stop nagging.

From: BJLCubbins

To: HCDeRobiano

Subject: ?

Hey,

I always said I would never let the sun set on an argument, but as you can clearly see the sun is setting, can we just talk about this?

Don't be so frikkin stubborn!

I can't play a show like this!

Jared

'I always said', 'I would never', 'I can't play a show' 'I-I-I-I' everything was always about him, not about her, oh no, she was too old-fashioned, she was not as intelligent as he was, fuck off Jared, listening to you is like listening to my father sometimes! Puh! She pushed the phone back in her bag, yes she was sulking, so what?. Let him stew, see if I care? Yes of course I care, I don't want to lose him, he's just getting on my last nerve right now, especially with all that marriage stuff, I don't want to get married, get married and you can kiss all that passion and all that love goodbye, tsss! “Anyway, talked to Shayla yet? She's in the other van you know, with all the other important people” go on, be a bitch and take it out on Sean, he deserved a little snark once in a while.

#jared leto #Jared Leto Fanfic #jared leto fanfiction #30 Seconds To Mars #30 seconds to mars fanfic #fanfic #fic #fanfiction #a man on fire #chapter 55 #Harper and Jared #Harper Coco #caroline18mars

[thats-pucking-amazing]

Glasses (Colton Parayko)

So I was just inspired with this one it wasn’t requested. I hope y’all like it anyway!

Up Next: Jimmy Vesey

Warnings: optometrists...baseball

Requests: Open!

“It’s not my fault, Colton! There is NO way that the average person could see that sign.”

“Y/N…” He smothered a laugh and then struggled to keep a straight face. “The average person can very easily see a giant sign that says ‘Enter Here’.”

You tried to remain indignant, though you were beginning to lighten up. It was extremely hard to have any sort of negative emotion directed at your lovable boyfriend, Colton Parayko. You kept up the act for your sake, though. “Do you have any proof that the average person can find it?”

“I found it. Vladdy found it. Hu-”

“You’re all NHL stars. It doesn’t count.” You interrupted.

He arched a brow. “The caterers all found it. So did the press.”

“Who even asked you?” But your smile negated the tone used.

He wrapped his arm around you and began leading you towards the building entrance. “Maybe you should consider getting your eyes checked?”

“Nope. My eyes are fine. This was just an off day for me.”

He caressed the hip where his hand was resting. “Whatever you say, Doll. Now let’s go eat some barbeque so we can get this charity ball game started.”

The late lunch consisted of things you’d expect at a traditional backyard barbeque, things like hamburgers, hot dogs, barbeque, potato salad, and various fruits and vegetables. The only difference was that this meal was catered and served on fancy plates, but hey, who were you to complain?

After everyone was finished and the plates had been collected, everyone was gathered together before being split into groups for the baseball game. Thankfully, Colton was on your team. After a quick exchange of trash talking, a bunch of pictures, and a coin toss, your team was up to bat.

Alex had been elected as pitcher for the opposing side and it was quickly evident as to why, when he struck out the first two batters with no issue. Then his wife came up to bat. As terrible as it was you were secretly wishing that Jayne would strike out so there would be no chance of you going this inning, but of course that didn’t happen. A gentle pitch was sent into the outfield by Jayne who made it all the way to second. Which meant you were up. Great.

“Good luck, Doll!” Colton called.

You swung the bat a few times as a warm-up and then got into position. You’d played softball for three years. This was nothing. Just keep your eye on the b-”

“Strike!” You whipped your head around to see the ball firmly in Jake’s catcher’s mitt (the baseball kind this time). You narrowed your eyes (ok squinted) and saw the blur of white coming at you this time. Swinging hard you shockingly caught a piece and sent it flying up in the infield. You ran for first just in case, but it was proved unnecessary when Carter caught it.

“Wow, Hutts!” You yelled. “I thought we were friends!”

“All’s fair in love and baseball, Y/N!”

Colton tossed you a glove, “That’s not how that quote goes.”

“Whatever college boy.”

Colton rolled his eyes and then pulled you into the outfield with him. “It was a good hit. I’m proud of you.”

“If it was a good hit, I wouldn’t have gotten out.” You pouted. It really wasn’t the end of the world, but you were extremely competitive...so it kinda was.

Colton gave you a quick kiss and then looked you in the eyes. “Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s just for fun.”

The next three innings went rather quickly and your team was up by three in the bottom of the fifth. There were supposed to be seven innings so not a shabby lead. You were in the outfield again when you heard the crack of a bat. You tried to focus on the ball but couldn’t see anything.

“Right, Doll. Right!” You heard Colton yell. You looked to the right just as the ball dropped about a foot from you. Refusing to be discouraged you quickly threw it to Yana who tagged out Carter as he tried to slide into second.

“Nice save Y/N!”

You were mad, though. “I should have caught that.”

“You can’t catch them all.”

You snorted. “Tell that to the Pokemon players. That’s the entire goal.”

Colton laughed loudly before leading you back to the dugout, holding your hand in his the whole time.

When the game was all said and done you had won by a solid one run. Not quite the victory you were looking for, but a victory nonetheless. After waving goodbye to everyone, Colton led you back towards his car.

“That was fun,” You admitted. “It was better because we won…”

He chuckled and then gave you a serious look, “Can we talk about something?”

“Yeah. What’s on your mind?” Your brain was racing with potential topics but coming up blank.

“When that ball fell-” You groaned. “Let me finish. When that ball fell, did you see it coming before I yelled?”

“Of course.” You gave an unconvincing laugh.

“Y/N...this is serious. If you can’t see things you need to go and see an eye doctor. First the sign and then the ball. If it continues you could end up hurting yourself.”

“I’m fine!” You shot him what you considered a convincing smile. “I’m just having an off-day. I don’t need glasses. My vision is perfect.”

“It would mean a lot to me if you would go and get it checked out, just in case. I’ll constantly worry otherwise.”

You groaned. “Colton! Why do you have to give a low blow like that?!”

“Please, Doll?”

“Fine. But I won’t like it.” He lifted your hands where they were clasped on the console and pressed a kiss to the back of yours.

“Thank you.”

Three days later you were unhappily seated next to Colton on the ugly floral sofa in the local optometrists office. You hated eye doctors. Their stupid eye doctor office smell. Their stupid need to shine bright lights and put drops in your eyes. Stu-

Your internal ranting was interrupted by the lady calling for you. You trudged over to her and looked back at Colton, who shot you a smile and a little finger wave before turning back to his book. What a supportive boyfriend.

The doctor had successfully trapped you in her chair of torture and after a few preliminary questions and tests brought out the big guns.

“One or two?” She flipped the slides back and forth a few times. “One or two?”

This continued on for far too long for your liking. But then she was shining what was basically the sun into your eye, so you would have gladly traded back to the slides. After what seemed like an eternity later, the bully had dropped a few drops of what you were sure was acid in your eyes, if the burning sensation told you anything.

“The sting should go away shortly.” She said briskly. She rolled her chair away from you before seriously looking at you. “What I’m about to tell you probably won’t come as a surprise, but you definitely need glasses. I’m actually really shocked that it hasn’t become a bigger issue than that by now. Let’s head out to the lobby and you can pick out some frames with the secretary.”

You followed her out of the room with your head hanging the whole way. The doctor handed the secretary a slip and after shaking your hand, headed back down the hall toward her office.

Colton came up to stand next to you. “How was it?”

You looked up at him with tear filled eyes. “I have to get glasses!” You whimpered.

“Doll…” He wrapped you in a hug. “I promise glasses aren’t that bad. Why don’t we pick out some frames and then we can go out to dinner at Bailey’s?”

“My pupils are dilated. I’m not supposed to expose them to bright light.” You muttered.

“We can ask them to dim the lights if they’re too powerful.”

“Fine.” You quickly chose a pair of frames and after giving the secretary your information, headed out.

It was very childish to pout about glasses, you knew that. You didn’t care though. Having perfect vision was the one thing you could hold over your siblings (and Colton). So you fully intended to be mad for at least another twenty minutes. Or until your food came out. Or Colton said something cute. Who knew what would come first, honestly.

A week later you received the dreaded phone call that your glasses had arrived and could be picked up anytime. You relayed the joyful news to Colton who offered to drive you over to the office.

“Your eyes may hurt a bit trying to adjust.” He explained on the drive over. He had also worn his glasses instead of the usual contacts in order to offer you support. “Also now you can just look out the window and enjoy seeing everything clearly.”

You wanted so badly to just be mad, but him saying sweet things like that made it so difficult! “I love you!” You blurted. He whipped his head around to look at you while you smacked a hand over your mouth.

“What?” This was the first time either of you had ever said the ‘L word’.

You took a deep breath and put it all out there. “I love you.” You nodded. “I seriously love you Colton. You’re such a genuinely good man. You put others before yourself, you deal with my petty attitude and mood swings, you are passionate about what you do…” You trailed off. “I don’t know how I didn’t realize it before now.”

He pulled into the parking lot and swung into a space. “You love me?” He had a shocked, almost blank expression...like his brain was trying to process everything.

“Yes. I love you.” You opened your door. “I’ll be back. I’m going to go get my stupid glasses.” You headed into the building with a bounce in your step. You were in love...what a wild concept.

After they made sure your frames fit and you were pleased with them, you headed back outside. Though you hated to admit it, you were shocked at how clear things really were. Busy admiring the signs for the restaurants across the street you were completely blindsided by Colton grabbing you.

Before you knew how to react you were pressed against the side of his car and his lips were prying yours open. You readily sank into the kiss, threading your fingers through his soft blond hair. You weren’t sure how long the two of you made out in the parking lot of your eye doctor, in plain sight of anyone who wanted to walk by or look out the window of their car...but it was irrelevant.

The kisses eventually tapered off and Colton pulled back to look at you. His cheeks were rosy and his lips swollen, which just made you want to kiss him again.

“Hi.” He said. “You look cute with your glasses.”

You giggled, “You look cute with yours on, too.”

He looked at you seriously and then took a deep breath. “I love you, too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away. I just wasn’t really prepared for you to say it then and I-”

“It’s alright, Colton.” You interrupted. “I kinda noticed that you were surprised.”

“But I really do love you.” He said as the two of you got into the car. “I’m not just saying it because you did. I love you.”

You smiled at him and interlocked your hands. “Can we get milkshakes? You know as a, “We both declared our love for one another” and “Y/N just go glasses” kind of reward.”

“I don’t see why not. I love you.” He repeated.

You smirked. “I know.”

He groaned, “We are not starting that this early!”

Let me know if y’all see any blazin’ errors!!

#colton parayko #parayko #st louis blues #blues #blues hockey #nhl #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #hockey #hockey imagine #hockey imagines #request #player x reader #parayko imagine #colton parayko imagine #imagine #imagines

[anselm0]

Novelization of Star Trek: The Motion Picture

I knew this was going to be Something, and it sure is.

I’m not the first to remark on it, but that sure is a gay pride flag on the cover of this book/movie. A quick google reveals that the pride flag debuted in 1978, while TMP was released 1979, which by no means proves intent, but those are facts of general interest I’m going to share here.

Two things: 

LOVE INSTRUCTOR???? Her FIRST, no less??? what

Why am I being subjected to Roddenberry’s writing exercise of reviewing his own tv show while in character of one of the characters on said show

One actual thing that we learn from Kirk’s preface is that there are apparently two varieties of humans, the original flavor and then the super cool Crystal Pepsi humans who are wicked smart and pretty insufferable about it. Also not in Crystal Pepsi humans’ favor is that they SUCK at space travel because they can’t “help but be seduced eventually by the higher philosophies, aspirations, and consciousness levels” they encounter in aliens and doing a bunch of disappearances, defections, and mutinies as a result. So the moral of the story is we need humans too stupid or stubborn to want to be better to drive the space planes, I guess. 

I also find this amusing. The editor’s note on this line from “Kirk” is that he’s being modest, because he did a great five year deep space mission. ~~Kirk begs to differ, though: 

I also liked TOS, imaginary editor, but 94 deaths in five years of peaceful exploration is not an amazing statistic. Anyway, Kirk’s annoyed at how he and his five year mission got portrayed by the guy they sent to record it, what does that asshole have to say for himself?

what. is. happening. 

Look. I am all for world-building. But this is ridiculous. What kind of false modesty self-dragging self-insert Bolshevism

We are, by the way, only 11 pages in, and the story hasn’t even started officially. This will be the longest long post.

Chapter One opens with Kirk getting a semi-telepathic message from Starfleet that is the opening scene of TMP in which the space cloud zaps some Klingon ships.

Yeah, I can see where the public concern over this policy would come from, imaginary editor. It is bananas, and I hope consigned to a quiet ‘canon? never heard of her’ retcon. Imagine if this were still the case when the Borg came. Who could have guessed that having technological access to the brains of all the top brass in the Federation’s first and only major defense force might be, like, a bad idea!!!!!

It’s also a POINTLESS idea, because after getting the message, Kirk goes to a signal station to call Starfleet because he can’t reply (a design flaw) and also he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with this information because he didn’t get any instructions (why send classified info to people who don’t need to act on it???), and they just show the same scene to him again when he’s there. 

Before that happens, however, Kirk gets put on hold long enough to think thoughts and feel feelings he “had not permitted himself to admit” to himself. Like all former greats, he hates his desk job. He took it for reasons, despite this amazingly persuasive case against doing so:

We get it, you’re a Real Man. 

Literally the entire medical profession apparently agreed with McCoy that a desk job would be bad for Kirk, but Starfleet wanted him to be their posterchild of awesomeness for all those frickin’ Crystal Pepsi humans wondering if Starfleet is even necessary (why they would care about low intellectual ability Kirk is a mystery left unaddressed), so they made sure Kirk was persuaded to accept against medical advice. 

The way they did this was a combination of his sense of duty and a sexy lady. Of course. Sexy lady (Vice Admiral Lori Ciani, spelled Ciana in all subsequent mentions) is in fact the one Kirk gets connected to once Starfleet takes him off hold. Lori always gets his blood pumping, what with her “unusually large eyes and the slim, youthful angularity in her arms and legs” that “always reminded [Kirk] of a fawn’s wild grace and innocence”, even though he knows she’s actually a freak in the sheets. Oh, and she’s also smart and a great officer or whatever, her lips caress his name whenever she says it, he can almost smell “her body fragrance” and Kirk’s getting hard.

I wish I was exaggerating.

There are a number of concerning things here that I think McCoy should turn his attention to instead of whether Kirk can survive at a desk job. Are relationships one year contracts in the future? That seems like a bad idea.

Kirk has a paranoid fantasy that Admiral Nogura manipulated Lori Ciana into contracting sex/mothering/friendship with him and is pretty sure that Nogura told her to talk to him now to make sure he does what Starfleet wants again. 

I’m tired already.

It is not clear to me if she acts like he expects her to if his paranoid fantasy was real. In any case, the conspiracy theory and THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER was all for nothing because Kirk just goes to Nogura’s office and convinces him to give him command of the Enterprise.

On a more pleasant note, there was a chapter in the middle of all Kirk’s nonsense of Spock’s POV. He’s at Gol trying to achieve Kolinahr and he gets distracted by what seems to be the space cloud momentarily linking his and Kirk’s minds. Spock is shook and “knew in this instant that the human half of him was far from extinguished. That half had simply been capable of human guile and had learned to hide itself even from his own notice. He had foolishly and carelessly underestimated it and believed it to be gone. But like the enemy it had always been, his human half had merely lain in wait in order to assault him while he was defenseless.” 

MY POOR BB

Anyway, Kirk’s on his way to the Enterprise and once again thinking thoughts.

I’m going to guess that Kirk is not a great boyfriend.

There are several things going on here, none of them good or pleasing. 

There are some really uncomfortable descriptors for Sulu and Uhura, which are unnecessary in addition to being offensive because we all know what they look like. We know Sulu is Asian, so you don’t have to call him “the Asian romantic,” or really modify any descriptor of him to remind us that he’s Asian. Uhura initially has “classically lovely features,” which is okay, I guess, but then she has a “fine-boned Bantu face.” Um. 

There are some weird descriptors of Will Decker, too, who Kirk is coming to demote and summarily replace, but the worst one is this one, Scotty’s perspective on Kirk pulling Decker aside to tell him he’s being demoted:

My face is a rictus of horror. 

The description of the transporter accident is quite gruesome and Good. We all know the fate of the unfortunate Commander Sonak, but Roddenberry now reveals that the second person was sexy lady trap Lori Ciana!! Kirk inexplicably took over the transporter controls to try to save them her, but isn’t familiar with their new configuration, and is guilt-stricken by the uncertainty that their deaths might have been prevented by someone like Decker, who really knows the new Enterprise. Also, nobody knows why she was there.

FUCK YOU

I’ve been very negative so far. The novelization actually does a lot better than the movie does in conveying Kirk’s disorientation with the new ship and how much he’s second-guessing his fitness for command, despite his insistence before that he was the only one who could do this. On the other hand, he doesn’t realize that he should PUT DECKER BACK IN COMMAND. 

Oh, he makes Decker the science officer in addition to the executive officer because he won’t accept a different science officer in replacement of Sonak who isn’t Vulcan. Apparently there’s no replacement for a Vulcan science officer.     .   .   .        He immediately begins worrying that he’s overloading Decker with responsibilities. JUST MAKE BETTER CHOICES INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT BAD ONES.

Hey, you know that dumb scene in TMP where all the crew gets together in an empty room to once again watch the Klingon ships get destroyed and since it’s a rehash, everybody spends it wondering why Starfleet has like eighteen different uniform designs in unflattering cuts and colors? Roddenberry knows we all think it’s dumb and has some strong words in response:

lol

Apparently that room is the “rec deck,” which is the largest interior space in a starship ever designed. Some people think it’s wasteful but real space veterans know that the rec deck is where “the most vital of the ship’s mechanisms [are] kept in peak operating efficiency through music, song, games, debate, exercise, competition, friendship, romance, [and] sex.” There were definitely regular public orgies on the five year mission, weren’t there. 

Thirty-one people bail after seeing the Klingon ships bite it, which seems like a thing that they shouldn’t be able to do?? Also, what was the point of all that secrecy with the secret implant for telepathic transmission of classified information if Kirk’s just going to show it to several hundred people who are free to leave if they want to?????

I know TMP gets shit for being The Motionless Picture, but you really have to read the novelization to grasp the complete lack of plot points. It’s EIGHTY pages before Lieutenant Ilia arrives. The book is 250 pages long. 

Uhura has some kind of Tone when she tells the bridge that Ilia is Deltan and Kirk rebukes her, “And there are no finer navigators in Starfleet, Commander.” 

This is a weird species whose major defining features are overwhelming sexual pheromones and a GREAT sense of direction.

Kirk immediately regrets chastising Uhura since she’s “the last one who needed instruction in diversity from him.” IS THE FUTURE RACIST OR NOT, GENE

Sulu seems not to know what a Deltan is, even though all the other TOS officers do, so I don’t know how that happened. I got my hopes up for ONE SECOND when he didn’t seem to care but he is affected by her allure after all. Stand down, gays. 

Kirk clocks the obvious clues that Ilia and Decker were involved before, and starts finding ways to make it his business. 

Sure, Jan.

Anyway, the ship leaves the orbital dock in a looooong and boring chapter, then spends another chapter flying past Jupiter at IMPULSE. Thank Jupiter and Zeus we did not have to sit through the slow ride from hell through the solar system. 

Some random things we learn in the meantime (a lot of meantime!!):

McCoy is a hippie who dislikes surgery and medicine, preferring to just berate people into healing themselves or whatever. I now see why starships would need ship’s counselors but there would be absolutely no Xanax or beta-blockers for the Reg Barclays of the future.

There are body scanners incorporated into all the new uniforms, which constantly transmit biodata to the medical bay. This was always a part of the costume design (it’s in those super ugly belt buckles!) but never mentioned or actually used to my recollection in TMP. It’s also not a thing in future Trek series, presumably because it would be boring to not have medical emergencies.

Chapel went on the five-year mission with a PhD and now has her MD! GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO

McCoy resigned from Starfleet because Admiral Nogura would not heed his medical opinion that Kirk is a Manly Man who needs to be doing Manly Things out in space instead of working a desk job. 

Immediately after this reveal, Roddenberry reinforces how scientific it is by having Chapel say, “deprivation of [starship command] produced physical and emotional symptoms remarkably like those associated with narcotic withdrawal.” Okay!!

We only refer to Ilia as “the Deltan navigator” now.

“The so-called mutant-farm civilizations of pre-history had known [humans aren’t alone in the universe] of course, but their information had been a gift and not the result of human labor and growth.” W H A T 

What do these words mean

FEELS racist??? idk idk

also this:

What a piece of information to just casually drop with no followup whatsoever!

Roddenberry is basically masturbating himself and Kirk about how great it is that he’s back. Having Kirk command the Enterprise again is

“like Lazarus stepping out into the sunlight” plz

so spiritually moving that Decker is suddenly feeling fine about being inexplicably demoted (couldn’t Kirk have just been an admiral still? and Decker a captain?) and removed from command

By the way, Kirk apparently didn’t officially take command until moments before they left orbital dock, which feels wrong to me?? There were eleven hours where he was giving all the orders but had no official jurisdiction or responsibility for the consequences. Starfleet needs better command protocol.

making Sulu, Uhura, and Chekov ecstatically happy, a fact that Kirk somehow knows from looking at their faces despite not seeing any of them in years and having done nothing but demand the ship be launched before being properly tested or configured for warp and against the advice of his first officer and chief engineer omg you idiot

Kirk then orders them to go to warp agains the advice of his first officer and chief engineer, accidentally creating a wormhole the ship falls into along with an asteroid that nearly destroys them because Kirk doesn’t know how the phasers work on his new ship. Kirk then gets shirty with Decker when Decker factually states that Kirk doesn’t know what he’s doing and Decker does, and knowing things was useful in that it saved the ship being blown up by a series of stupid choices. GREAT FIRST DAY

Again, I do think the book is doing a good job of conveying Kirk’s motivation of scrambling to relive his glory days and his willful blindness to the consequences, but I don’t know how we’re going to get to a point where we’re actually happy this guy gets to be in command of a starship for another five movies. McCoy does call him out on his nonsense, but I don’t see him learning or growing at all yet and can��t foresee it from what I know of what plot is coming next.

Speaking of plot developments

SPOCK!!!

First of all, “severe black robe” is underselling one of the best looks ever served to my undeserving eyes. Second, no sooner has Spock stepped back on the bridge than everyone starts dropping serious hints about his relationship with Kirk. I mean

subtle!!

Spock is not a happy bunny, though. Everyone is happy to see him again - it’s been so long and Scotty’s so excited he apparently forgets that you don’t touch Vulcans? - but Spock’s ignoring them. As soon as he can, he finds a place to meditate.

Roddenberry wants to make absolutely sure we know that the Enterprise is a nonstop fuckfest. Consider me informed!

Spock needs to meditate because he was way too excited to see Kirk again. He’s pretty whatever about everyone else (”humanly human” McCoy and Chapel “with her bizarre and impossible fantasies of one day pleasuring him” ick) but his t’hy’la is a different story.  I MEAN!!!!

He has to go to a meeting with Kirk and McCoy (who’s now monitoring Kirk’s behavior re: his unfitness for command) and we get this little gem about the officer’s lounge:

I know it’s supposed to be a utopia but come on. 

WINK

They’ve established there’s some kind of intelligence in the space cloud that Spock can telepathically link with when the first probe arrives and injures Chekov. Chapel comes to treat him but she can’t do anything for him. Ilia does...something vaguely telepathic that usually happens during Deltan sex to make him feel pleasure instead of pain and you know what, I’m going to choose to not read into this. It does seem weird that Starfleet has extremely strict regulations about allowing Deltans to serve due to their pheromones but telepathy is A-okay. 

We learn during the probe’s visit that the only console hooked into the ship’s main computer and Starfleet databases is the science station’s, which seems pretty unbelievable. There isn’t even an uplink for centralized record keeping about course changes and phaser discharges? 

Ilia disappears and Kirk is surprised how much he cares. They did meet just today but SHE IS YOUR CRACK NAVIGATOR why wouldn’t you be upset! Her replacement comes up as they’re getting pulled into the space cloud and she’s also good; Kirk thinks, “There might be something about her worth remembering.” I’m concerned that Roddenberry doesn’t seem to realize how unlikeable he’s making Kirk. 

See the entire sequence where the Ilia probe arrives:

Gross.

Kirk does spend a lot of time thinking that Deltan pheromones don’t affect Vulcans and that Spock is annoyingly unmoved, but that’s just guys being dudes. 

Probe Ilia remembers Decker, so Kirk tells him to use that to try to establish productive communication with Vger. I know it’s spelled Vejur but that’s dumb. It’s Vger. V’ger if you’re nasty. Anyway, Kirk was making this traumatic assignment about him and his awesome sexual prowess. 

But he’s not done!! How could this sequence possibly end WITHOUT Kirk creeping on his first officer trying to fuck an alien probe!!!!

It’s completely normal! Look, Decker even expects it!

Decker is Manfully frustrated that his Manliness isn’t working on the probe. Kirk and McCoy are armchair quarterbacking this like the fans of weird sexual encounters they are. Chapel comes in to make a good suggestion and McCoy condescends to her, of course. There’s some worldbuilding around Deltan sexuality which seems to be just that there are psychic connections involved that make regular, non-psychic sex boring for humans afterward. Okay? I thought it was going to be something much weirder. Again, I don’t know why THIS makes Deltans have to take celibacy oaths to be in Starfleet but non-sexual telepathic actions are totally fine. 

This is all going on while the Enterprise is in the cloud, so they take a break from creeping on Decker and the Ilia probe to go to the bridge and have Kirk condescend to Uhura about how to do her job. Look, I don’t want to get into a whole thing about Kirk’s virtues as a commander but he is not better at Uhura’s job than she is. PLEASE give her something to do other than be impressed with Kirk.

Around page 209 (out of 250) we finally get a chapter from V’ger’s POV and it is legitimately Good. If Gene Roddenberry was capable of writing science fiction without obsessing over future sexuality, this book would be so much better. 

There are fewer than 40 pages left by the time we get to the iconic sickbay scene. 

This book is so weirdly paced. If you’re going to write about future sex, please let it be between the characters we actually care about!! For example!!!!!! But no, we get Decker and Ilia-probe, which may actually be Ilia’s psyche in a mechanical casing? Unclear, but Decker is pretty convinced.

Gross.

The rest of it is basically exactly the same as the movie: they get to V’ger and figure out it’s Voyager and respond with the correct code, but V’ger refuses to acknowledge it. Decker and Ilia somehow become noncorporeal entities joined with V’ger. It’s not clear how this is possible, but whatever. Kirk is, like, mildly regretful about the absolute shitshow this mission turned into and the fact that he lost two good officers to a space cloud, but he’s not torn up about it. He got his ship back! And he has no fear that it will be taken away again because he caused half the shitshow! In true Star Trek fashion, there is literally ZERO discussion of where V’ger, who is a perambulating cloud as wide across as a small solar system, is going to go now instead of Earth bc that’s a somebody else problem.

The end.

#star trek TOS #star trek tmp