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thoughtshowcase · 3 years

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I can forgive, I hope you forgive yourself too

Its a bit out dated because I got this feelings 2 days ago when i just read my old text with him and I just automatically burst into tears cause I remember it was something that I already know but I am so afraid to say cause I am afraid it would ruin everything and I was so afraid that I am wasn’t strong enough to face the fact that he doesn’t feel the same as I do but there I said it. For the first time that I finally have a courage to tell someone how I really feel even though I know that I wasn’t standing in a solid ground at that moment but I chose to accept to be the only vulnerable one between us just to show what I really feel about everything.

All along I blame myself how could I let someone stepped on me when I know that I have another option? All of these option but I chose to be vulnerable with this biggest I know (at that time) I blame and hate myself for years for that because I know that at that time I got option to safe myself but I didn’t. I give up and let my feelings lead. All of these time I see it as a weakness and I hate myself for that for being the most vulnerable self to wrong person, to share my deepest feelings, to let wrong person take some part of me I never share with anyone just for fun. He took it just for fun and I let him, and I watch him keep going and I let him and I play along with him and here I am. He just did the exact reason I don’t want to share my love with anyone and he just did that and I let him.

I was so hurt and and hopeless. I was worried about me and what kind of person that I’ll become after all this. I might would not let anyone come in my life ever again but thats just going to be bad for me.All the hatred and revenge that I try to set is just going to be bad for me, not him. I can’t really guarantee every revenge that I make is going to pays my broken hearted because I really don’t have control over that but one thing that I know is I am playing with a poison when I know that I am not well enough to know the difference between the medicine or the poison (I thought that I make) and thats a lot of risk for someone like me who still not be able to think staight.

But then I think why do I wasted another energy on things that I aready know the answer and I am not capable to change any of that? Why do I keep on challenge the team when the game is already over and we all know that. What am I trying to prove? I can’t believe myself that I continue to try my best to be miserable person, all of this for what? I chose to stuck in a bad game and I know that I have no one to blame but myself. Why do I do it to myself? Its not who I was before.

I might can’t change him or even help my and change the old me, but I still have full control of what kind of person I’ll become. I might feel like all of these feeligs that I have is scattered all over the place and I can’t seems to put it back in and I don’t even know if I am going to be actually recovered from all of this but the shoes still on me and I am still the only person who can save and lead me to get out from this and I’ve learn to know myself or my relationship with this world long before I know him. My heartbreak shouldn’t change who I am. Nobody is worthy enough to change who you are and your relationship towards the world you living in cause you are the only person who stick by yourside since the beginning, its your life that became your world. Why give stranger too much power to even change your whole direction towards life and your view in life? Don’t let them ruin the beauty that you see from this world since the beginning. Its belonged to you and you should be the only person that have all the control of it.

But still I like to ask myself, am I deserve to be treated like this and it don’t really matter what the answer for my question is, what matters is how am I going to act after what happened and I don’t want one hearbreak change me and my own belief. Its not that I deserve this but he just not able to see it and thats supposed to be okay for me after I learn that I should give one love for the sake of love itself not for them to give me back to make me complete. If I ever feel like someone owe me their love, maybe I am the one who not giving enogh love to myself.

Now that I tried to stop regreting what I’ve done in the past. It took a lot of courage to feel vulnerable when all my life I’ve been acting tough and its a nice feelings to know for the first time I gave my feelings a voice and they actually use it, its such a big step for me to give another voices to my feelings as they deserves it. I’ve done it and I’ll do it again. For the first time that I can see the potential that letting my feelings lead could become my new strength, for myself and my well being.

And for him, I think maybe someone did him wrong before so he got that person changed his perspetive and he put that on someone new that come to his life. Just like what I almost do if I keep on listening my ego. I feel bad for him because I know that he doesn’t want it to end this way too. I know that he’s not happy above my sadness. I hope he find his way someday. I forgive him and I hope he forgive himself too.

#heartbreak #deep thoughts #life lessons #soul lessons #lesson learned #broken #brokenhearted #broken hear #you broke my heart #forgiveyourself #midnight thoughts

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