#Do yourself a favour and don't ponder how that 'my love isn't like other people's' work in relation to 'I'm a monster'

[amethystina]

Hiiii🩷🩷 I have a question... does Yohan think that Gaon loves Soo Hyun in a romantic way😳? If so, oh boy thats a huge misunderstanding to clear. Also, thank you for the amazing update!!! I'm sure as hell sticking around on this journey to see these two work out their feelings!!

Hi there! 💜

Yes, he does. Because Yo Han's got no reason to believe otherwise, based on how Ga On is behaving. He can tell that Ga On is attracted to him, sure, but that's physical. And sexual and romantic attraction are two entirely different things. One doesn't guarantee the other and just because you feel one — or even both — you don't actually have to act on it.

I'm more or less writing Yo Han like a bisexual demiromantic, i.e. he's good at recognising sexual tension/attraction but he's not very experienced with love. He's never really been in love before because he's never allowed himself to get close enough to someone to actually fall in love. And when you combine this with his upbringing and lack of social interaction with other people? Love is probably pretty tricky for him.

Not in a "he doesn't feel it" way because he does — and he knows that he does — but he's not the best at reading it in other people. Not at all helped by how he just doesn't get the whole "love at first sight" thing (because, again, demiromantic), which has made him wonder if, just maybe, his concept of love is different from everyone else's. He knows what love means to him and he's seen other people be in love (like Isaac and his wife) but applying that to his and Ga On's relationship is very difficult for him, especially with Soo Hyun complicating things.

Like, if Yo Han tries to compare how Ga On behaved around/treated Soo Hyun (who he assumes Ga On was in love with) to how Ga On behaves around/treats Yo Han, he can see a lot of differences. And it's a problem when his method for figuring this whole situation out is: "That is how Kim Ga On behaves when he's in love and, if he doesn't, he's probably not in love with me." Because that misses the part where people don't always behave the exact same way when they're in love (because it can be influenced by who they're interested in) and, if anything, it should be the other way around.

At this point, it's probably better to look at how Ga On behaves around you, Yo Han, not Soo Hyun, if you want to figure out what he's like when he's in love x'D

... but he doesn't know that, of course.

So, in short: Yo Han knows that Ga On cares about him and he knows that Ga On is sexually attracted to him, but he has no way of knowing if Ga On is in love with him. Yo Han has too little experience with it to be able to gauge that.

But, at this point? He thinks that Ga On is just too in love with Soo Hyun to ever love him (which is what this post was about)

And, in a very heartbreaking way, he's kind of grateful that Ga On made it clear he's not going to act on what's between them because Yo Han assumes it's only sexual attraction and some confused fondness on Ga On's end anyway. And Yo Han would just... rather not if that's all Ga On can give him. Because, for once, he doesn't just want sex — he wants love, too.

... this man is, once again, a goddamn onion.

(and will make you cry just as much as one)

And, for my own sake, I'm going to have to make a detour and write Yo Han's POV of what happens after he's gone into his bedroom because I SWEAR THE FUCKING BASTARD WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. There is SO MUCH GOING ON in his head and snippets keep inconveniently popping up at irregular intervals, distracting me. And as soon as I push one aside, the next one pops up.

It's like a never-ending game of angsty Whac-A-Mole.

Someone save me.

ANYWAY. I'm glad you liked the update! And thank you so much for wanting to stick around 💜 I was genuinely worried about how you all would react to this chapter. Like, who's insane enough to throw in a rejection 400k into a story? People have probably gotten chased down with pitchforks for less.

So thank you for the trust, support, and dedication — it means a lot to me 💜

#Amethystina Replies #Anonymous #Who Holds the Devil #Amethystina Writes #Even if she would prefer not to this time #Like #I ALWAYS know what's going through Yo Han's head too #But this is the first time when I genuinely can't focus because I'm just BOMBARDED by it #I WISH I COULD SHUT IT OFF BUT I CAN'T #So I'm going to write it all down just to get it out of the way I guess? #Maybe then it'll quiet down #Also #I guess it might be nice just for the sake of knowing exactly where he stands #I make no promises that I'll post it though xD #Second also #Do yourself a favour and don't ponder how that 'my love isn't like other people's' work in relation to 'I'm a monster' #And 'I will smother his light one day' #Because that's... yeah #That'll break your heart #I'M SORRY I CAN'T SHUT IT OFF OKAY

[ironifiicd]

“  you want the truth?  the truth is when i love people it burns inside me like a poison.  it infects every part of me until it feels like they’re in my goddamn soul…and then i fuck it up.  and it’ll destroy us both.  ”

Slamming back the last of his drink does the inventor know he was too sober for the conversation that they were about to have, mentally preparing himself for it as soft brown eyes turned over to the younger as he too could connect with and understand Stephen's sentiments. Careful fingers run along the edge of the crystalline glass, an absentminded habit of the Avenger's as he needed to keep his hands busy as he pondered his next words rather cautiously.

"You can't destroy something that's already been smashed to smithereens, Stephen." Despite the fact he spoke with a chortle Tony's words are no joke, honesty said with a side of dark humour has always been his thing and he knows the sorcerer will understand how serious he truly is on that point. "I've been doing this job for a very long time now and I was already broken long before I put on that suit of armour. I don't think there's anything left to be destroyed."

The silence in the room is deafening as they lock into an intense stare for but a moment before the Stark heir wanders close by to sit next to the Bleecker Street Magician. "The real truth is that your isolation isn't meant to save others, it's so you can put your walls back up and protect yourself from the pain your paranoia has convinced you will come when something happens to us." Everything jovial or teasing in his tone slips away to reveal the stern and blunt analytical report of the researcher he actually is, hoping the doctor would listen if he met him with the same cold report he used to hear from him when they first met. "So don't pretend like you're doing us a favour, when all you're doing is embracing another form of self-punishment you've inflicted upon yourself because you feel that you're not worthy of love and admiration."

#//If you want to continue this please do so in another thread <3 thanks #mystifiicd

[afterglowisbliss]

Cutting away the dread

Levi x Fem!Reader

This story contains: Mentions of death, rapid weight loss, mentions of sexual harassment (it is not over the top, but just in case I will put the warning here)

"Hey" you jump at the stern voice, nearly dropping your tea in the process. "It's been quite some time, Y/n. I almost couldn't recognise you with that long hair" the voice teased while flicking your long locks. That's right, you've been letting yourself go. The unkept hair and dark circles under your eyes were a dead giveaway that you weren't doing so good.

You're usually good at hiding your problems and emotions. It's the scouts way. The longer you practise, the more you master the skill of being numb.

"Hey Levi, it has been quite awhile, huh..." you responded in a soft tone. While the other scouts walked on eggshells around Levi, you were free to talk any way you wanted. He wouldn't even get angry. Annoyed at times if you crossed a line, but never angry. He almost never made any snide remarks towards you either. He had a soft spot for you. You were his weakness. Anyone who dared to hurt or mess with you would feel the wrath of THE Levi Ackerman. An example being when you and Levi were walking together to buy SOME tea when a man put his arm around your waist. "How much will it be, lovely lady" he snickered. You were visibly uncomfortable but before you could react Levi had already taken care of it. Knocked out cold on ground with wide eyes looking our direction from innocent bystanders. "It'll cost your life, you filthy shit" Levi hissed. He grabbed your hand and immediately took you back to HQ in fear someone else might try their luck.

While you weren't too sure why you were 'the chosen one' you never really questioned it. You just went along with his kindness and soft attitude towards you. Perhaps it was because he was aware you could dive deep into his soul and discover everything about him without even trying. Maybe that intimidated him. You were always one to read people like a book. He would often mock you calling you a stalker with how well you knew people without much information about their lives being shared. That's where you and Levi contrast. While he might not show it, he's caring, emotional and protective. However, despite that he is far from a people person. He doesn't read people the way you do.

It had been three months since it happened. The guilt still weighing over you as if a titan was sitting on you. You could still see his face. He was begging for your help and crying for his mom. His final moments being in the disgusting mouth of a titan and all you could do was run away.

Run away... Just like all of your problems...

Levi rests his hand on your shoulder. Despite his cold demeanor he was actually warm. Physically. You knew this due to all the times he's carried you away from danger, or when he would grab your hand when you would freak out. Or even when he would slightly move you out of his way with his hands on your shoulders. His body heat was comforting and you found yourself gravitating towards Levi when you were in a room together. This is also where you and Levi contrast. You are more warm hearted on the outside, yet your body temperature is almost abnormally cold all the time. Yet even with your icy hands on Levi's he never flinched. Almost as if both your temperatures balanced each others.

"Have you... Have you been feeling any better?" he was gentle approaching the subject. He took a seat across from you. This was when he first noticed your unkept appearance. You looked frighteningly skinnier. Cheeks that used to be full and puffy were much more hollow. He knew you were brokent in which return broke him.

You try look into his dark grey eyes attempting to answer his question. As you open your mouth you immediately close it again. Your lips started quivering and your eyes started to tear up. Embarrassed you look away, hair covering your face. Your start to aggressively squeez your left hand with your right as all the emotion starts to build up. You never cried in front of anyone, not even Levi. This time you simply couldn't keep it in anymore.

"Y/n... Look at me" he asserted. When you refused he took your chin between his thumb and index finger and brought your face level to his. He parted your hair out of your face and gently tucked it behind your ear. "Y/n, please look at me" he pleaded. He sounded desperate and wooful. He couldn't bare the sight of the people he cared about in pain. It was one of the only things that could completely soften Levi.

The desperation in his voice convinced you to look up at him. He is met with your beautiful yet sorrowful eyes. "I'm sorry, Levi" you sniffed followed by a deep breath in. "No. I haven't. Every attempt I make to be productive... Every attempt I make to go outside I think of him. He was so innocent. I promised. I promised I would keep him safe. I told him... I told him he was safe with me" you grieved. "I made a promise only to watch him die! I'm a shitty person, he begged me, Levi! HE BEGGED ME TO HELP HIM BECAUSE I PROMISED HIM THAT I WOULD, BUT INSTEAD I TURNED MY BACK ON HIM. AN INNOCENT CHILD" you wailed breaking down into tears grabbing onto Levi's shirt. He embraced you, pulling you closer to his chest as you sniffle and cry, wetting his shirt with your tears.

"You're not a shitty person, Y/n. You couldn't save him because if you did hundreds of others would've died in his place. I know it's hard to accept the death of someone you promised to keep safe, we have all been there, but you have to understand that letting someone go is a part of life. It's inevitable. Whether it was in that moment or 20 years from now, you would've had to have said goodbye eventually." he reassures. You stop crying for a moment to think about Levi's words. It's true what he said. We all eventually have to say goodbye to the ones we care about.

"Tell me, Y/n, did you directly promise him you would keep him safe?" he questioned. When you thought about that day, the answer was clear. "I-I told him I would try my best to keep him safe..." you mumbled. "So it's clear now. You did follow through with your promise. You tried your best to keep him safe. Now all that is left for us to do is to make sure he didn't die in vein." Levi added pulling you away from his chest to make eye contact with you once again.

You wipe the tears of your face and mod in agreement. There is no point grieving for the rest of your life over something you couldn't control. All that was left for you now was to make sure his death meant something.

"Levi..." your voice is haorse and strained from all the crying. "Can I ask you a favour?" you request followed by a confused Levi who isn't used to you asking for favours. "Can you please cut my hair?" you innocently ask and your cheeks start to heat up. Its an odd question to ask a Captain. "It's just that... My hair is getting too long for odm gear and I don't like to tie up my hair" you explain further hoping to persuade Levi into cutting your hair for you. "Go wet your hair for me" he commands while getting up from his seat to get the scissors. A slight smile creeps up onto your face. That's the first time that's happened in awhile.

You do as he says wetting your hair with lukewarm water. Once you're all done you look around for a comb to quickly get rid of any knots that might get in the way. "Don't worry I'll comb your hair for you" Levi assures and motions for you to sit down on the chair in from of him.

You sit with your legs crossed, hands fiddling with the gem of your shirt while Levi gently combs through your your hair. It reached just 2 inches away from your shoulder which to you, was quite long considering the length you usually keep it at.

Levi strokes your hair feeling for any missed knots. "How short would you like it?" he asks preparing the scissors in his hand. You take a moment to ponder on the question. How short would you like it?

"a pixie cut" you reply with confidence. It's a bold decision considering you've never tried it before.

"Are you sure? You've never-" "I'm sure" you cut him off. He sighs before commenting on your boldness, "Always one to try new things huh." You chuckle. He wasn't wrong.

Snip, snip, snip

You feel your hair fall first onto you, then onto the ground. You watch as the hair slightly moves with the wind sneaking in from the window that won't close properly. The whole scene feeling very calming and relaxing. The sound of scissors cutting hair was oddly satisfying.

Before you knew it he was done. He sets the pair of scissors down on the table behind him and rests his left hand on your shoulder. "what do you think?" he asks. You open your eyes to look right at a mirror hanging on the wall in front of you. Your eyes widen in shock. It actually looks nice.

"I think it suits you" Levi adds before walking to the other side of the room to get a broom. "Thank you, Levi" you say grabbing his forearm and pulling him into an embrace.

Levi isn't the biggest fan of physical affection but let it slide when it came to you. "Anytime, Y/n."

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