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mcrmadness · 6 years

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Bit of anxiety related stuff once in a while...

It’s been a while since I’ve written here and I think the next time is now.

WARNING: Long post is long........................................ *sigh*

It’s the worst time of the year for me here in Finland atm. The seasons change, the darkest time of the year. Here during the darkest months (basically) the day is is just a few hours long (like... 6-8?) and the rest of the day is just dark after dark. The worst part for me is always the time after Christmas and before the days start to really get more bright and when we start to finally get those sunny days. So it’s rare to even see the whole damn sun during this time even tho it’s light outside. It’s still not bright. (And when February and the sun finally arrive, it’s good for my mind but bad for my head as I start to get more headaches and sometimes also migraines just because of how bright everything is.)

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing over here and that’s what affects me also, I treat it with “bright light therapy” which mean I have this bright light thingy at home and I have to sit in front of it. It really does help (it simulates sunlight) but the polar night is never easy for me. Especially when I don’t have enough time for that light as I ALWAYS start to sleep less even tho I’m more tired than during summer. I guess getting up in the morning just annoys me so much that I think to myself the morning comes slower if I go to sleep later. And it’s also making everything worse as I’m so tired 24/7 yet I feel like I just don’t have enough free time in 24 hours and I just keep procrastinating everything.

This also always makes my health anxiety worse and atm it’s pretty bad. I’m really anxious and tense 24/7, the darker it gets, the worse it gets. It does not leave me alone during the daytime either, but somehow the nights are just the worst. I have this congenital heart defect that was operated when I was 3 years old, it’s fine and I don’t need meds but I just need to have it checked every two year. And this is exactly the same situation as it was 2 years ago when I had the check last time. It always gets so worse because I feel like 2 years is so long time and anything is possible. I can’t trust my own body because in my mind I live my life as if I was sick at some part of my body. It changes over time and by whhere I’ve feeling these “symptoms”. But right now my heart is the number one. It has always been somewhere back there in my life and I’ve been to therapy for a year now and now we talk about it as a possible post-traumatic stress disorder caused by my heart surgery. I feel like it defines my whole life. In reality, competitive sports are the only thing that is prohobited for me but it’s okay because I’ve never liked sports. And I start to feel bad about just normal sport (nothing heart related, just the overall feeling of it. I can’t stand heat and I hate sweating and it makes me feel sick. There’s been only one time in my life when sports have caused me to feel the rush of endorphin but usually it just feels bad as I’m a HSP / Higly Sensitive Person.) But the problem here is that my mind doesn’t understand the difference and it thinks I’m mortally ill. Like, I constantly feel like I shouldn’t do this or that because I’m ill and it could kill me. When in reality I’m not ill. Hypochondria, you could say...

It’s really tiring to be this sensitive about your own body functions. And even if I don’t feel anything different I still WAIT for something to happen. I’m just alarmed 24/7, ready to panic and do something if needed. Usually I just go to my parents’ house “to be observed” or try to talk to my siblings and so. I feel like it’s mixture of everything. Bit like OCD but instead of being afraid of illnessess I could get from somewhere, I’m afraid of illnessess that appear out of nowhere _inside of you. The idea of not being able to control your own body is so scary. Your own body could kill you and it’s scary as hell. It’s so scary that I procrastinate about shower and sleeping because I feel like those places are where I’m the most vulnerable. I haven’t showered in couple of days because only time to do so is in the evening (except when I have a day off) and that’s when I get tired and also most anxious and I can’t take a shower because I’m so afraid of my own body and those panic attacks that it’s easier to not go there and just sit here waiting for the possible panic attack, than take a shower and have a panic attack and then try to be as fast as possible because how embarrassing it would be if I needed emergency and I’d be naked when they find me. It’s easier to be fully clothed if needed to leave fast than to be in shower. I’ve also slept couple of days on my cough because falling asleep is scary, or the moment when everything is quiet and it’s just you and your own body and you feel every damn heart beat, every palpation and every beat that is normal, but for some reason it feels through the whole body as if the whole body was shaking to those beats. It’s easier to watch tv and fall asleep “accidentally” when you’re concentrated on something else.

It’s bit like the years 2006/2007 all over again. I had really hard time because of my heart. Only way to me to deal with it was to concentrate on My Chemical Romance’s music and dvd. I shit you not when I tell that I listened to them and watched that goddamned dvd every damn day, literally I heard them 24/7. It helped me to concentrate on something else than my own anxiety. It was all heart related, I was 15 and it was my last class at school and I was so burnt out because of the whole school, I had really hard time sleeping because I was afraid to fall asleep because I was so afraid that I would die in my sleep, I slept with light on so it’s was not only darkness I saw with my eyes closed. In the end I got over it in one night when I realized I was so burnt out and stressed out that I started reacting to that with my body. It tried to tell me to clam the fuck down, to sleep and take days off, I felt it in my heart because it was the only way my body felt it could tell me to stop beating myself up. Even tho I had already given up, I didn’t go to school or anything but it was so bad every day because every morning I knew I SHOULD HAVE GONE and I knew the next day someone would say me that I should go to school, they would call us from the school to tell how I really should be there. I don’t think I got any sick leave either so it was really hard for my diligent personality to have again and again and again one day off school when I basically did that “illegally” and it made me feel even worse even tho I was so tired that my mornings started when I couldn’t sleep anymore as I had already woken up and my heart said hello to me so I got up and with my blanked I always sat down next to the living room’s radiator and I just kept crying because I wasn’t able to leave to school today either.

This is not so bad as back the whole situation was, as now I’m not forced to do anything, but just the way the seasons change affect my mood and anxiety is pretty annoying. It has always changed over time, some years are worse than others but it always gets better somewhere around February or March. January is always really dark month for me, figuratively as well as literally.

I think one reason this gets this bad every second year is the fact I probably start to stress the heart check. (It’s just EKG and ultrasound so nothing huge.) At the same time I’m relieved it’s finally here but also I’m afraid to hear if there’s something wrong. It’s really hard with this type of health anxiety because I don’t really know what I even except. I hope everything is okay but... when it is, it feels good for a while but I know the anxiety will always come back so at the same time it’s not actually that relieving because I know the physical/psychosomatic symptoms will come back eventually. Sooner or later I start to experience palpations and in my head I start to live as something was wrong inside of my body. When everything is okay it’s relieving but I can’t help it, in my head I also always immediately start to question the doctor. What if they just missed something serious? The ultrasound was so quick, how could they see everything in that time? Also my heart NEVER skips a beat or has palpations during EKG or ultrasound. NEVER, I always tell them I have them but they never show up during those tests!!! Atm another big thing for me probably is the fact this time there’s different doctor than what I’ve had ever since I started seeing cardiologists specialized to adult hearts. And as I haven’t seen this cardiologist ever before it of course scares me to hear her thoughts on everything and also I’m afraid if she will notice something the other one never did. If she uses the ultrasound for longer time? What if she sees something new there? What if her opinions differ from the other’s opinions a lot? It’s so scary.

For me, I have trust issues. I feel the same about my heart as I do with my car when I’ve took it to checkup: it was okay by now but did they check everything properly and few months before the next checkup I’m terrified because I’m afraid something might have broken up after the previous checkup and what if my car randomly catches fire or explodes. With my heart, I start to feel “symptoms” that could be severe and with my car I start to smell smoke when there’s no smoke. Nothing is more terrifying than driving long distances and sensing something that causes so horrible panic attack that you will sit so tensed for the rest of the day. Last week I had one, this time about my heart and I was so afraid something would happen and it was dark and in Finland there’s forests between cities and I was so afraid something would happen to me while I’m in the middle of nowhere when it’s pitch black everywhere and if no one finds me. I felt better everytime I saw someone driving behind me because I knew they would notice if something went wrong. But as soon as they drove past me, my anxiety got worse. It’s this “need of eyewitnesses” I have, I need someone to be around when I’m having a panic attack so there would be at least someone to do the emergency call if I can’t do it myself. So far I’ve never done one and I’ve never been to hospital because of my “symptoms” because I’m too deep into this mental illness shit that I keep telling me everything is me just being mental yet at the same time I’m afraid of the thought “what if it is not?” I don’t want to go to hospital just because of my psychosomatic things, it’s be so embarrassing and also there’s real sick people that need their help and I don’t want to waste their time with my bullshit when someone could actually die over there.

I so hope I get to see a psychiatrist soon enough. I still haven’t got any of this diagnosed but I feel like I need SOMETHING because right now I kinda can’t fully believe it’s all just psychosomatic because I has this belief in my mind that I can’t be mentally ill if I don’t have papers for it. Havening it written down would be best thing in the world. I think it would actually make me feel much better than a cardiologist saying “everything is alright”. When obviously SOMETHING is not right SOMEWHERE. Maybe in my body there’s nothing wrong but in my mind there’s so many things so fucked up that I feel like a complete mess. I guess it’s like having papers all over your desk and floor but no one gave you the empty folders where to put them into. I feel that I need those folders so I can arrange my papers and finally have some kind of peace when I know at least something in my mind might finally be in order. I don’t know if it would work like this but I believe it would help, even a little. Actually I think it would make me feel better about myself because right now I feel like I have no right to be who I am because I always am told that I can’t be this and that if I don’t have it diagnosed. Or people ask why you always have to have something wrong when I say something about wanting to have a diagnose. It’s not me wanting something to be wrong but me wanting to name something I already have. Imagine that legs and arms didn’t have any names and try then to tell people that you have these four things, “maybe two of them could be legs but I’m not really sure as no one has really told me what they are so I guess they’re legs but I just hope someone would name them so I didn’t feel so weird walking on two sticks that might or might nor be called legs...”

At least in my country being mentally ill is kinda... taboo? Like, here’s LOTS AND LOTS of us but people are easily ashamed of it and it’s something you don’t really discuss. People don’t wanna talk but even less they wanna hear. For some reason it’s something that is really... awkward subject. And often it feels like people start to see you through their prejudice even if they had known you for years. As if it would change the person. Only thin there has changed is that this other person now knows something they didn’t know 2 seconds ago. Yet the whole person can turn very awkward as if they no longer knew how to act around you. I just would like to have things diagnosed and to be able to tell people about these things that are part of me without being judged by something they don’t even know any facts about.

So my point here was that I meant to take a shower today but I'm too tired and tensed and overstimulated (HSP) that I couldn’t do that even today, so I have to take a shower in the morning. I anyway have therapy tomorrow, so... This Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has also got to this point now where I wouldn’t bother washing my dished either. I should cook something tomorrow but I don’t really think I can manage and do that tomorrow. I should do the dishes first and... nah. But with days like these I always try to tell myself it’s okay to not feel good everyday. It’s okay to be tired and if I don’t manage the dishes, then I don’t. Then I do it the other day but I don’t make it somethig to stress about because it’s just bunch of tableware and not so big deal. I’ll do them eventually but if today’s not the day, then it isn’t and it’s okay.

Btw, talking of MCR, bit over a week ago they uploaded outtake versions of each of their music videos to YT and I watched all of them of course. Well, some of them actually made my anxiety to go away. But some of them, those who I associate with the dvd Life on the Murder Scene the most, actually caused the anxiety to get worse. For the next couple of days I felt the crippling anxiety in my stomach every time I thought about the videos. I guess it was because the last time I’ve actually seen anything about those videos was when I had this rough break down when I was 15/16 and even tho it felt bad watching those, I still watched them. I guess it was bit like violently tearing open the old (mental) wounds. And I have a lot of mental wounds, tbh. I think there’s a lot I have never actually dealth with any of them the way they should be taken care of. I just got so used to negative experiences I took them but just... buried them somewhere and now they’re popping up as memories like some old haunting ghosts. I feel like my whole life is like a sea of old ghosts and that I should go and talk to each of them separately to make them feel better about themselves...

Idk. There’s just so many thoughts right now. Or that’s bit wrong actually, I have always too many thoughts goind around in my head. It never stops. I don’t really know how to start dealing with all this but I feel like by writing this, some of those “papers” in that metaphor back there have already found their places. It’s possible that the shelf containing all those “files”also will be never ending shelf, but I still feel that it’s be better to have those papers in files in a shelf than to have them piling up around you until you drown in them.

Now, I think I go and try to sleep. This wall of text actually made me feel a slightly better already. I just hope somewhere in this world would be something or someone who would have time for things like these. In therapy there’s never enough time. Not even if there’d be some 24/7 therapy and if I get to be there for a week straight, I still think I’d feel like that I’ve not done yet. But anyway, this is enough, for now.

Thanks for reading, if there’s still anyone after this text ends.

#personal #mental health #mental disorder #ocd #gad #health anxiety #hypochondria #congenital heart defect #tetralogy of fallot #mental illness #seasonal affective disorder #panic

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