#Hindi ako makahinga

[walaumalistulog]

When does grieving really end?

I lost my father eight years ago. Matagal-tagal na rin. He suffered from the complications brought about by heart failure. I was 16 that time, you know, ang edad kung saan mas malupit ang mundo sa'yo: kung tama ba ang career path na iti-take mo, kung ano ba talaga ang sexuality mo bilang tao, kung mago-open ka ba ng bank account para maging financially independent ka, or simpleng red pa rin ba ang favorite color mo.

I saw him suffered right before my eyes. Nakita ko kung paano niya i-exert ang lahat ng Joules ng efforts niya para lang makahinga. Buto't-balat. Halos nagtagpo na ang balat sa kalamnan, at hindi alam kung alam pa ang salitang 'mabuhay'.

Eventually, sumuko rin siya. Hindi kinaya, in short. Wala nang maibugang lakas para manatiling buhay. Though, tinapat na kami ng doktor niya na malabo pa sa sabaw ng sinaing na maka-survive siya. Lagi akong humihingi sa Panginoon ng isang himala, na paggising ko, isang araw, maging normal na ang lahat. Maging worthy of a biblical story ang kaginhawahan ni Papa na capable ang Panginoon ng imposibleng mga bagay.

Nung namatay ang Papa, never ako umiyak. Umiyak ako, pero walang nakakita so technically, hindi counted. Hindi maaaninag sa itsura ko na nagluluksa ako that time---hindi mugto ang mata ko sa kakaiyak, hindi ako mukhang puyat, at never kong ipinakita sa mga tao na nagluluksa ako.

Dumating ang araw na ihahatid na sa huling hantungan si Papa, okay lang. Eventually aware naman na ako na ganoon ang kahahantungan. Ililibing din siya. After ng libing, panay ang mensahe ng pakikiramay ng mga taong hindi ko naman kilala: "nakikiramay ako, hijo," "mabuting tao ang tatay mo," o 'di kaya ay "magpakatatag ka,"

Dumating 'yung puntong gabi na at kaming tatlo---ako, kapatid ko, at ang biyuda kong nanay---ang natira sa bahay. Hiwa-hiwalay kami ng mga kwartong tinutulugan. Tahimik ang paligid, ngunit hindi ang aming bahay. Yaon na yata ang pinakamalalakas na iyak namin sa tanang buhay namin. Ang tahanan ang siyang dapat maging kanlungan ng pagtahan namin, ay hindi naging akma sa kanyang ngalan.

Ang weird lang kapag namatayan ka: minsan okay ka, minsan hindi. Madalas iniiyakan ko ang pagkamatay ng Papa, minsan hindi, ngunit hindi siya nawawala sa isip ko araw-araw.

May mga pagkakataong akala mo, okay ka na sa mga nangyari, ngunit mapapaisip ka pa rin kung bakit kailangan mangyari ang mga nangyari.

Minsan kapag napag-uusapan ang yumao, wala nang lungkot, pero parang may kurot sa puso---na parang ang lapit ng isang tao sa'yo dahil nararamdaman mo ang pagmamahal nila, ngunit malayo dahil hindi ito tanaw ng dalawa mong mata.

Ngayon, walong taon na ang lumipas. Kapag napag-uusapan, parang wala na lang, pero parang laging may kulang. Nalulungkot dahil ang mga pangakong binitawan at mga pangarap na pinaghirapan, ay hindi na mapagsasaluhan.

Tanggap na ng puso mo, pinaglipasan na ng pagkakataon, ngunit hindi mawawala ang dusa.

Napagtanto ko na grieving will never really end; things will just become less sorrowful and a little easier to accept. Hindi talaga mawawala ang pagluluksa, talagang likas sa atin na pagtiisang maniwala na magiging mabuti ang lahat.

[kapetalista]

Hindi ako fan o basher ng Kathniel. Gusto ko yung mga palabas nila. Nalungkot and nasaktan din ako sa break-up nila. Pero simula nung mapanood ko mga interview nila, makikita nyo sa mga sagot ni guy na ang redflag pala talaga nya. Wag tayo martyr, deserve ni Kath makahinga :>

#kathniel #kathniel breakup

[chereserene]

Hindi ko alam if good thing ba to or hindi ha. Kasi hindi pa ako nagkakaroon ng malalang breakdown. Yung tipong ayaw tumigil ng luha mo minu minuto, yung di ka makahinga ng maayos dahil sa pagiyak. When you try to call for help pero wala kang matawagan, when you try to be calm pero wala eh tuloy tuloy lang. Ganun na ganon yung feeling. Thank God minor breakdowns and sudden feel of sadness lang muna.

[0ne4them0ney-2f0rtheshow]

lifeline extras: going back to spain, part 2.

DK didn't say anything. The both of them were just sitting at the couch, looking at the window, while Natasha's head on his shoulders.

"Uhm... okay lang ba... na ano... ikaw na magsabi kay Cho nito? I just... don't want another meltdown. Lalo na magwo-worry anak ko. The walls are thin."

He held his bestfriend's hands for assurance, and said, "Okay, Natasha. Nandito lang kami para sa'yo ha? I know na there are problems where you had to keep it all to yourself pero don't ever forget na we're here for you, okay?" Nat smiled at her bestfriend and nods.

Nang makaalis na sila sa condo ni Nat, DK called Seungcheol immediately at kwinento kung ano ang nangyari.

Seungcheol: I didn't know... DK: And it's okay. She doesn't want us to know din naman. Ngayon na alam na natin, what do we do now?

Seungcheol thought of something and told DK. Hindi sure si DK kung tama ba na ganon ang gagawin nila pero, hey, there's no harm in trying, right?

Pagka-uwi ni Natasha, evident naman na umiyak siya. She looked for her daughter but it was Seungcheol who welcomed him. "Hi."

He hugged her tightly, and said, "Hindi ko sasabihin na okay lang 'yan but we'll get through it, okay? Mahal kita, Nat."

"Thank you, babe. Pero si Nym?"

"Hiniram ni Mama. It's just the two of us for the night, baby. Ano gusto mong gawin?"

"More hugs?" Seungcheol smiled at her and nods.

Habang nakahiga sila, Seungcheol asked Natasha, "Babe, what if I go with you?"

"Mhmm? Saan?"

"Spain."

Nanlata naman si Natasha at umiling, "No, no, no. Okay lang, Cho. Promise."

He held his wife's hand as tight as possible, and looked her in the eye, "I'll be with you all throughout. I promise."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Cho." Memories of the past came back on her head, na para bang hindi nanaman siya makahinga. Seungcheol then hugged her, "Baby, please? Let's try it again. Wala namang masama in trying again, right?"

"Cho... I don't want to disappoint you even more. Paano pag nandon na tayo, tapos ganon ulit nangyari? No, I don't think–"

"Natasha, look at me." He cupped her face and said, "You are different now. Hindi na ikaw 'yung dati. Okay?"

She nods and calms down a bit. "Paano kung–"

"Hindi 'yan. Promise. Let's give it a try, mhmm?" After a long pause, she nods. "Paano 'yun? I wasn't able to book–"

"Si DK na bahala."

On the other side, DK called his friends and told them about what's going to happen.

tatlonghari gc Minghao: Sama ako, DK. Gyu: Wait ah. Balikan ko kayo in 20 minutes. Kailan ulit to? DK: In two months. Sama mo si Bee? Gyu: Oo sana. Wait, kausapin ko lang. Minghao: Wala akong isasama ha. Tsaka na. Hahaha DK: Sila Shua kaya? Minghao: Ako na magsasabi. Pero, you think this is a good idea? DK: I hope so. Si Cho na nagsabi eh. Minghao: Natatakot ako pero at the same time kinakabahan. This is either gonna break her or make her, no? DK: Oo, pre. Gyu: Okay, g na daw si Bee. DK: Ayusin niyo na mga leave niyo ha. Pakita niyo na lang yung invitation. Minghao: Sige, sabihan ko na lang din sila Han. Thank you for this, DK. DK: Anything for Nat. Hay. Kung nakita niyo lang talaga. Nanlumo din ako eh. Minghao: Baka di ko kayanin.

Fast forward: 2 months

Hindi na nila sinama si Nymeria, after all, business trip pa din naman ito. Seungcheol, the good man he is, hindi umaalis sa mata niya si Natasha, who looks nervous, naka-ilang tubig na ata ang inom. They landed na din sa Spain.

"Love, minessage ko na sila Mama na we're here. You can do this, okay?" Natasha tried to smile and nods.

Nasa hotel room na sila, they had the whole day to themselves. But it seems like Natasha doesn't even wanna come out of the room. "Tara, kain muna tayo, babe."

"Okay lang ako, Cho! Busog pa man din ako. You can go out naman." She smiled at him.

"Lah, iwan mo ko? Samahan mo na ko, please?" Nagpa-cute naman si Seungcheol kay Natasha, which by the way, worked!

"Hay, Cho. Okay."

While walking outside, Seungcheol can't help but admire his wife's eyes. Hindi talaga mapag-kaila na Natasha loves Spain. Hindi man sabihin, pero it is evident in her eyes na she's loving what she's seeing right now.

"Okay, dito na tayo."

As soon as they walk in inside the restaurant, nakita agad ni Natasha ang mga kaibigan niya. She held Seungcheol's hand and stopped him, "Anong meron? Anong nangyayari?"

Tinulak lang siya ni Seungcheol papunta sa mga kaibigan niya and said, "Surprise, my love!"

Bago pa man makarating doon sa table, Natasha turned around at hindi na napigilan na umiyak. DK, Minghao, Mingyu, Joshua and Jeonghan immediately ran towards her and hugged her.

"Sabi ko naman sa'yo, diba? Nandito lang kami para sa'yo." DK said.

They can't help but also cry. Natasha's post-Spain era was the hardest thing that's ever happened to her. Witness naman sila doon. And now, after almost a decade, here they are, helping her to heal.

Because after all, tao lang din naman si Natasha. Nakita naman nila na she did her best to make up for what happened in the past. And to see her, go here, despite her fears, is already a sign that she's trying. And for them, that's enough.

[tokwattoge]

Journal | 7.28.2023

Ang hirap talaga pag may sakit yung bata, iba yung level ng hirap. Ngayon na may anak na ako, mas lenient na ako sa mga magulang na sakit ang anak ang reason. Iba, doble yung puyat at pagod samahan mo pa ng anxiety and worry.

Kahapon dahil hindi ako pumasok, ang dami ko tuloy time mag isip nako. Kinain na naman ako ng anxieties ko tungkol sa mga utang ko. Parang pakiramdam ko nalulunod ako at hindi makahinga. Napupunta na naman ako sa path ng despair at no hope pero hindi. Lalaban ako. Dahil ako rin naman ang may kasalanan nito hahaha.

Napakatagal pa ng next sahod. Hindi ko alam kung pano kami makakasurvive. I lelet go ko na lang, tuloy lang ang pasok at hanap ng clients. Lord kayo na po bahala samin.

[zheneeta]

In cheating, it doesn't only come in one form. Pwedeng physical, but for me the emotional one is more damaging. Harmless to other people, but on my end it fucked me up real bad.

Madali kasing sabihin na tawag ng laman lang. Pero yung bibigyan mo ng oras mo ang tao and be there for her sa kabullshitan niya; that's what pained me the most. Nalunod ako sa sama ng loob, tipong gusto ko na lang saksakin sarili ko para lang makahinga ako.

Made it much worst, kasi ang love language mo is intimacy. So it's difficult to separate physical from emotional. Even when it happened years ago and I only knew about it recently, the severity of pain is the same.

However, i am not the type of person to hold his failures or past against him. Cheating is cheating, it's wrong and no discussion needed. The only thing i needed was for you to acknowledge that you did it at that point, you knew it was wrong, and you're sorry for making me feel the way i did. And thank you for doing atleast that.

As i say to my friends who had gone through the same, kapag magpapatawad ka, kailangan buo. Hindi ibig sabihing hindi ka na pwedeng nasasaktan. It will take time to heal from it, but if you choose to move forward, you leave behind the things that can weigh you down. Acceptance that it happened. You cannot progress in life if you choose to keep going back on the same moment. Lessons are learned, but you can't keep going around.

I love him, wholeheartedly and maybe too much at times. I choose to overlook one mistake in his past because I believe and see the kind of man he became today. It still stings, but maybe that's the thing in loving; it can hurt.

[bbarican]

barado ilong ko pero parang tuyung-tuyo na rin siya at the same time? ano ba talaga? this is so frustrating kasi hindi nanaman ako makahinga ng maayos

i tried pumping my nose pero parang sa tenga lang pumunta yung tubig and now im worried about my eras too

i hate hate hate hate being sick

[anyalovesu]

tolerate it.

vi. use my best colors for your portrait.

— “he said he wondered what it must be like inside my mind and i told him he’d rather not know. it was for the better.”

“Bakit ka andito?” Elijah’s tone was sharp from the door of the atelier, eyes boring holes into the back of her fiancé’s head.

“Madam Eli!” Kyle greeted her cheerfully, skipping towards her as he gave her a high five. Leon didn’t know when they got that close but he figured that maybe FC lang si Kyle. “Nakita ko ang entry mo sa page ng org n’yo! Angas!”

Eli smiled at him, flattered at the compliment, especially because Kyle really was impressed and has never seen anything executed like that.

“Magpapacommission kami ng art sa’yo one day, para sa album art namin!” he says with conviction.

“Album art agad,” Amir playfully hits the back of his head, chuckling at him. “Sumulat ka muna ng kanta.”

“Meron na ngang draft!” Kyle argued, reaching over to Amir’s head to get his revenge but Amir stealthily pulled away before Kyle could hit him. “Nasa flashdrive ko na, iplay ko pa ngayon!”

“Loophole,” Leon replied to her, before slowly turning back to face her. “Bakit Loophole?”

“Hindi ako nagpapapasok sa atelier, lumabas ka d’yan,” Elijah sneered at him, pointing the way out of the room.

The room was messy and there were a lot of unhung canvases lying around the room that she has been planning to hang around the house but she hasn’t been home for most of the time to do the task. She would be lying if she said that she enjoyed working overtime. She’s not afraid of admitting that she has been avoiding Leon, that’s why she has been staying up late in the office. But more than that she hasn’t been drawing well the past few days, that even Hwangs have noticed how dark her designs have been getting which puts Santi in a position to worry if his little sister’s situation is triggering her to have a mental breakdown.

“Why the loophole?”

“Matagal na ‘yan.” Elijah was getting agitated the more Leon tried to press for information.

Wasn’t it obvious? Or was it that Leon is playing stupid?

“It’s good!” Eli clapped as Kyle stopped the seventh and last track from the mini album. “Anong pangalan ng album?”

“Loophole,” he proudly replied. “Homage to where the band started.”

“But nagsimula ang banda sa inyong lima,” Eli smiled at him, soft eyes looking at the gentle stares that her friends were giving her. “Ibang banda ang Loophole.”

“Walang Midnight Covey kung walang Loophole,” Amir agreed. “Maganda yung Loophole. Doon nagsimula ang lahat, doon rin magsisimula ang karera ng banda na ‘to.”

“Para saan? Para kanino?”

“Hindi ka naman yata tanga para isubo ko pa sa’yo ang sagot,” Elijah spat at him, before trying to force Leon out of the atelier. Trying, being the keyword. Leon was taller and heavier than she had anticipated, making it easy for him to stand still and pull her like she weighed nothing towards him. “Bitawan mo nga ako!”

“It was for the album ng MC, right?” 

“You are on thin ice, Park,” Elijah hisses at him one more time, but Leon does not let go. Instead he pulls her into a hug, one that he was strong enough to hold even if Elijah was fighting for her life to escape. “This is not going to fix anything you did, Leon. Bumitaw ka na.”

Elijah was slowly beginning to feel like the world was closing up again. Cold was creeping from her fingertips to her arms, from the tips of her toes to the rest of her body. Her eyes began to cloud as her throat dried and closed up. “Bumitaw ka please,” she managed to sob out as she tried to push him again from another time. “Hindi ako makahinga, bumitaw ka, Leon.”

Leon releases the moment he hears that, cold engulfing him just as much as it did her. “Ellie,” he held her face to make him look at him as she breathed heavily.

“Bitawan mo ako sabi!” 

He was taken back when she slapped his hand harshly away from her face. Elijah backed away from him until she hit the blank wall next to the door frame. Leon could only watch as Elijah clutched the hem of her shirt as she slid down the wall, sobbing.

“You can’t just go home na may dalang bulaklak tapos magkukunwaring may pakielam ka sa mga ginawa ko para lang saktan ako bukas,” Elijah whimpers, trying desperately to control her breathing. “Tangina naman. Gusto mo malaman kung para kanino ‘yan?”

Leon was speechless, he just stood there and nodded like a pathetic little boy. It made his heart squeeze to see Elijah sat there, in the midst of a mental breakdown, and he hit a dead end trying to figure out how to help her. She didn’t want anyone near her, that was the only thing clear for him.

“Para sa banda, oo,” she managed to croak out. “Para sa una n’yong album.”

Leon slowly drops to the floor, pulling his legs close to him as he tries his hardest not to scoot closer toward Elijah to hear what she was saying as some of the words rendered incoherent in between the sobs. “But you stopped being friends with me bago ko pa natapos. Bago ko pa maibigay.

“Bakit ilang araw na hindi sumasama si Eli?” Amir asks as Leon enters the room with Krizal, his girlfriend. Krizal sneers at him the moment Elijah’s name was mentioned.

“‘Wag n’yo na hanapin,” Leon brushes them off as he offers for Krizal to take a seat on the couch where Eli used to sit.

Kyle couldn’t help but feel the ick for the new girl.

 Surely it wasn’t her fault that she was brought here by Leon, but she seemed uninterested the entire time she was there and it was a stark contrast to the enthusiasm that Eli always showed whenever she tagged along. He appreciated every comment Eli gave and the small revisions in the lyrics and the composition of the song that she thought would sound better. That energy was just absent now that Eli is not there anymore. He missed it. Surely, everyone did. Especially when there was a constant interference with their equipment because of the constant calls that Krizal kept on getting in the middle of their practice.

“Miss ko na si Madam,” Kyle mumbles as he scribbles on his notebook. Krizal had just left to meet with her friend, and there they were on the floor of Kyle’s studio, trying to brainstorm for the next song that’s going to make it in their album. “Kelan ba daw s’ya hindi busy?”

“Ayaw ni Krizal sa kan’ya,” Tobi rolled his eyes. “Hindi ko na rin nakikitang nagpapansinan ‘yung dalawa eh.”

“Ang fucked up mo naman brodi kung iniwan mo si Eli dahil ayaw sa kan’ya ng jowa mo,” Karlo laughed at him, thought secretly hoping it was a joke. But it wasn’t. That morning, Leon and Eli spoke about the terms of their friendship and technically ended it there.

Leon looked at him blankly.

“Bobo,” Kyle shamefully threw his notebook at Leon, making sure to aim for his head. “Bobo ka! Isa kang bobo!”

“What was I supposed to do? Eh nagseselos nga si Krizal sa kan’ya?”

“Si Eli ba talaga ang problema o ikaw ang suspicious gumalaw kapag kasama si Elijah?” Everyone stopped to look at Tobi. 

Of all the people, Tobi knows Leon the most as he sees it, Leon has been denying an emotion that he fears to feel.

And that was, Leon, in fact, was unknowingly falling in love with Eli. And out of fear of what could result from that, he switches up to another girl and dumping Eli as if it would magically erase how he felt for his best friend.

“Anyway, kung makakaistorbo lang din ang girlfriend mo sa practice at wala namang itutulong dito, huwag mo na isama,” Kyle rolled his eyes at him, picking up the notebook that he threw at Leon. “Ilang beses tayong umulit kasi ugong ng ugong ang speakers. Akala n’ya yata nakakatuwa s’ya.”

Him and Krizal broke up a few months later and it didn’t take long before he was dating someone else already. Though they lasted longer than him and Krizal did, his relationship with Junia ended for the same reason. They couldn’t stop getting jealous over someone Leon had left behind already.

While Leon knows that he has already moved on, it seemed like the ghost of Elijah haunted him, because she was everywhere. Even their small fanbase searched for the girl who always stood in the bylines during their gigs, the one who always cheered for them and even went as far as writing songs with them. Maybe him constantly being broken up with because of Eli unreasonably planted that deep rooted dislike for his, now, ex-best friend. 

Margot was there for them the same way Eli was, though she had a different role. She was there because she enjoyed whatever her older brother sang. It took a while before she and Leon got together because Amir did not like the thought of it. At the end of the day though, Amir knew that Margot could handle it. After all, Margot and Eli met each other once and did not have bad blood at all. Margot knew her worth and knew that Eli is not going to be a threat at all if it was up to her.

Margot trusted Leon very much and while it seemed pathetic that she knew there was someone else in Leon’s heart, she figured that there were two separate places for them and there was no point in competing with someone who respected Leon’s decisions a long time ago. Margot knew that there will always be love for Eli. From all of Midnight covey. She knew that Midnight covey wouldn’t have made it if she weren’t there during the beginning of it. Eli will always be loved, especially by her best friend, Leon, though he says he would rather die than say it.

And Margot was right all along.

It wouldn’t hurt this much if there wasn’t love.

It physically hurts him to remember that conversation with his friends, everything that had everything to do with Eli during the rise of the band, all his break ups — everything leads back to Eli. 

And it wasn’t even her fault at all. 

It was all his.

“Babes, may schedule ka pa sa Sunset vine,” Ynes called her softly, tapping the back of her very hungover best friend to try and wake her up from her slumber. “Sabi na kasing tama na kagabi eh, ayaw pa magpaawat.”

“I’m sick sabihin mo hindi ko kaya,” Eli whined, trying to swat Ynes’ hand away from her back. “Ayaw ko pa rin makita si Leon.”

“Kapag ba hindi ka pumunta, may mangyayari?” Ynes asked, pulling a chair to sit next to her. Craning her neck above the dividers of Eli's working space to see if there was anyone suspicious listening to them. “Kahit naman ayaw mo kay Leon, wala naman tayong magagawa. Jas messaged him last night, noong may tama na rin. He kept on apologizing, babes.”

“What is his apology going to do? Anong akala n’ya? Kapag suddenly binigyan n’ya ako ng acknowledgement bibigay ako? Am I that easy? Ganoon ba ang tingin n’ya sa akin?” Eli rises from her desk and looks at Ynes, tears beginning to glass over her eyes. “Ang babaw ko naman sa kan’ya kung ganoon. He couldn’t even apologize to my face! And then what? Ita-trato nanaman ako na parang basura kung kelan n’ya maisipan? Tangina naman kung ganoon.”

“Babes, I can’t go there on my own rin kasi,” Ynes sighed, finally admitting to the truth. “Nacontact na rin kami ni Kuya Tobi ng assistant ni Misis Park para samahan kayo as maid of honor at best man.”

“Dinadamay na rin kayo?” Eli wanted the ground she stood on to open and swallow her whole from 12 floors above the ground floor. Why did it have to reach to this point?

“I actually think it’s quite nice of them to bring us into the picture. Para hindi kayo magpatayan.”

Eli groaned, slamming her head on the top of her hand over the table. Dejectedly turning her head towards Ynes’ direction only to realize that they really are trying to make this work for her and Leon. 

She really was hopeful that somehow it could work. Maybe some miracle out there would suddenly make him change… but the miracle came in the form of him being made aware of her diagnosis… and the sudden change wasn’t so nice at all. After his scene last night, there was nothing but sheer anger and annoyance for Leon for how he handled things.

“I actually think na dapat hindi na kayo sinasama dito,” Eli mumbled before hesitantly pulling herself up from her seat and grabbing her handbag from the table. “Tara na. Baka kung ano pang iba nilang ipagawa sa inyo.”

Ynes was there through everything. What’s next if Ynes doesn’t follow what they say? Take away her job? Take away from Eli? Losing Ynes is the last thing she wants. Ynes is the sole reason for her sanity throughout college when everything was turning shit because of school and her consistent family affairs that she did not want to involve herself in.

Ynes took Eli’s car keys before she could even argue. Eli was not in the best state of mind and driving for God knows how long will take during the deadly hours of city traffic has never had a higher chance of triggering yet another mental breakdown from her. Ynes took it in her hands before things got out of hand.

“Gusto mo na ba pagusapan kung saan nagsimula ang sigawan n’yo ni Leon kagabi?” Ynes asked once they reached where the traffic really got congested. 

“Nasabi ko na kagabi,” Eli replied coldly, as if trying to avoid the subject  though deep inside she knew that she had to talk about it at some point. She figured that talking about things helped her to figure out how to go around things better. The thing about that was that it was hard to relive moments that got too emotional for her liking. Emotions made her brain go haywire almost every time. There was a point where she thought she had an aversion towards feeling strong emotions but Isa always reminded her that it was okay to feel her feelings when he was around because she was safe.

She believed him.

She was safe with Isa.

But Isa is not here anymore.

“Sabi mo lang kagabi nagdala ng bulaklak tapos ang kapal ng mukha n’ya dahil akala n’ya kaya ka n’yang goyohin sa bulaklak,” Ynes gave her a slight shrug.

Ynes always thought rationally. Which made her jealous of that trait of her best friend because she never was. The highs were always too high and the lows were always too low. There was rarely a neutral ground for her to think things out properly. She was a cosmic ball full of emotions and ideas, always waiting for the most inconvenient moment to explode. They either turned into stars, her greatest creations, the very reason of her success or into black holes, that sometimes are strong enough to absorb every single reason for her to want to live.

Eli looked at Ynes, whose eyes glued to the road, before slumping back on her seat, letting out a heavy sigh to try and compose herself with enough courage to tell her best friend what had really happened.

“Pumasok s’ya sa atelier,” Eli sighed, looking down on her hands as she fiddled with the zipper of her designer bag sitting on her lap. Her light pink manicured nails scratched on the metal grooves of the zipper in hopes of distracting herself from crying once again.

“You let everyone in the atelier, Eli,” Ynes glanced at her curiously. True to her statement, Eli did let everyone into her working space ever since. She was always proud of the art that she creates, claiming that she has brought them to light from the highest and lowest points of her life and it was always worth being proud of because it was a reminder that she survived that part of her life. “Bakit ayaw mong papasukin si Leon?”

“I didn’t let him him. Pumasok s’ya ng kanya,” Eli quipped. “There’s a difference d’on, babes.”

“Bakit ayaw mo nga?”

“Nakita n’ya yung huli kong ginawa,” Eli glances out the window to try and avoid letting Ynes see her crying even though she’s seen her cry too many times to count already.

“Maganda naman?”

“I don’t know if he figured that half of it was from my grief noong sinantabi n’ya ako,” Eli mumbled. 

Ynes felt a pang of guilt hit her when Eli admitted that. 

'Half of it' was an understatement, more than half of it was Eli’s artistic take on Midnight Covey’s songs. They were basically what could’ve been MC’s album cover art over the past four years. She hasn’t listened to any of them directly, but Ynes played them all the time. She was friends with Kyle after all like Eli used to be too. Ynes was a big fan of Midnight Covey but out of respect for her best friend, she never opened up the fact that Eli has been keeping her word to Kyle that she will make them an album cover one day when they made it big.

“Now I feel guilty kasi nararamdaman ko pa rin yung grief na yon kahit na may Isaac na noon,” Eli continued. “But it was a different kind of hurt, you know? Akala ko kasi hindi n’ya maiisip gawin ‘yon but I turned out to be just as replaceable as everyone to him. Tapos what? Kapag nalaman n’yang may sakit ako, all of a sudden, maawa s’ya tapos gogoyohin ako gamit ang bulaklak? Ganoon ba kadali ‘yon sa kan’ya? I spent the past years grieving our friendship tapos ganon lang ‘yon sa kan’ya?”

Ynes had no more words to say but a sincere apology for pushing her to open up something so sensitive to her. Eli told her to not mind it, maybe it did feel good to let that thought go because it was true and it mattered a lot that she listened.

“He also called my best work yet childish and immature,” Eli added. “I don’t want to get scrutinized again by someone who used to be so proud of my work.”

“Maganda ang mga gawa mo,” Ynes argued. “He’s so lucky that he was the reason behind one of your best works. You always painted him in good colors. So much for someone na sinaktan ka ng sobra.”

“I don’t have the stomach to hurt his reputation and ruin his image for the band,” Eli replied, eyes following the parking lot lights that they were passing by, another of her useless attempts to distract herself from getting too emotional again. “He’s a shitty person, yes. But not that bad naman para sirain s’ya with my art. He still deserves the best colors for his portrait. Magaling naman s’yang musician. Let’s give him that.”

—

“Ruby,” Leon smiled, welcoming her into his arms before his arms made its way to wrap around her waist. “This is Chulia and Georgina. I met them kanina. Sila yung organizers.”

Shit.

Elijah could almost feel her entire skin crawl at the feeling of being intimately close to Leon. Things seemed to naturally spew out of Leon’s mouth. Like Elijah wasn’t screaming her larynx at him the night prior.

Nonetheless, Elijah offers her hand to shake both Chulia’s and Georgina’s hand politely. “It’s nice meeting you both.”

“We’ve met before,” Chulia smiled at her. “Sa VisuoCon two years ago! I didn’t know na si Leon Park pala ang boyfriend mo noong time na ‘yon!”

“Oh, he wasn’t,” Elijah blurted out before she could think of it. 

Leon could not help but feel flustered at her slip up this early but he could not help but feel a pang against his chest being denied like that even if he knew very clearly that she was committed to someone else just a week ago. However, instead of showing how completely fazed he was by this, he only clutches her waist possessively as if to tell Chulia that he might not be the one with her back then but he’s the one here now.

And that’s what mattered.

Elijah, who was also shocked by her own reckless response, seemed to get the message. “He wasn’t. Life works strangely. Dito rin pala ako babalik.” 

“We got together just this year, actually,” Leon chuckled, carefully caressing the area where his hand was. Elijah, though it scared her the first time it happened, seemed to be growing on Leon’s touch. After all Leon wouldn’t do anything to violate her that way… he’s not that kind of person, right? He changed but he’s not that bad, right? “Pero magkababata naman kami. Technically, there’s no need na magkaroon pa ng ganoon katagal na dating phase, right? We’ve spent almost our entire lives together.”

There was some truth to that. Yes. They got together this year, specifically roughly about a week and a half ago. They were childhood friends, correct again. They have spent their entire lives together,

Yes.

Except that for the past four years, they have been pretending to not know each other.

Though, for more than they liked to admit, they unconsciously did things that still lead back to each other.

“Ay ganoon ba?” Georgina seemed to be so amused by the unconventional love story that they were trying to sell. “So si Ma’am Elijah po ‘yung person in question noong sinabi n’yo na in a relationship kayo?”

No, hindi po. Elijah wanted to reply to her. Tempted to tell the truth right then and there but they were buying into everything that even Tobi and Ynes seemed to be impressed by how well they were playing into this. They were easily fooled into Leon’s charismatic smile when he nodded as they giggled and playfully slapped each other’s arms.

Elijah, getting a little too close for comfort, laid her head on Leon’s side, accentuating the height difference as Elijah only rose to graze lightly to his shoulder. 

“We wanted to keep it private, right?”

Elijah didn’t know why she turned her head to look at him; it just felt right. But she didn’t know if it was a great move— maybe for anyone who didn’t know any better, it was— but for her sanity it wasn’t because Leon did the same exact thing and their faces came too close for their liking.

They stood there, faces inches away from each other.

And somehow that made Elijah’s heart race. It wasn’t the good kind. She got afraid.

Not by the closeness.

Not by the fact that he looked like he was going to kiss her.

She got afraid of the fact that for a miniscule second, she wanted to move closer and kiss him right then and there.

Elijah got too flustered and playfully pushed his face away, managing to hide how her face easily turned crimson by hiding her face on his chest. Again, too close.

“Ang cute n’yo po,” Georgina giggled, playfully slapping Chulia’s arm once again. “Dito po tayo, darating na po yung mga server maya maya ng kaunti.”

“While waiting, we should talk about you two’s preferences, ano? I heard from Miss Alcantara na napagusapan n’yo na raw po ‘yung mga gusto n’yo. So, doon po tayo magsisimula ngayon,” Chulia smiled, as the six of them walked towards the back room of the restaurant.

Leon managed to slip his arm away from Elijah’s waist, leaving her feeling cold after getting used to his warmth for that short period of time. But before Elijah could move away, the older man managed to reach for her hand just split second after he took his arm from around her body.

Elijah knew they were pretending. 

Who knows how long it would last that Leon was this nice and intimate.

Her mind was racing with a million other thoughts about the impending engagement party, but the one that led them all was the fact that she never once attempted to remove her hand from Leon’s even when they were already sitting down. There were their hands, over the table, flashing the shiny ruby ring for the entire table to see.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ characters ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ previous ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ next ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

#enha angst #sunghoon angst #angst #sunghoon #jake #jay #heeseung #ni-ki #sunoo #jungwon #forced marriage #forced proximity #filo!enha #enhypen angst

[huminahon]

Hindi ko rin alam kung symptoms lang ng anxiety attack to na parang di ako makahinga na parang may bara sa throat ko o dahil nagconsume ako ng cilantro. Nabudol kasi ako ng kapatid ko mag order ng Vietnamese foods. Pho na lasang sabon/lotion, banh mi at baked kani spring rolls na lahat may cilantro. Hindi pa naman clinically proven pero allergic ata ako sa cilantro.

#prsnl

[sunb0rn]

07 February 2023

pag dating ng office i realized na hindi ko nadala yung susi ng cabinet ko sa table, eh andon ang lappy ko tas meds. uwi muna sana ako kaso dumating na si mam tata.

so nag early lunch nalang ako pasta. wla din talaga akong gana pero ayaw ko din magutuman kasi punta ako apartment by lunch time.

lumabas ako bandang 12:09, kinocompute ko pa masasayang ko sa pamasahe grr 40 pesos din yon. sinarado na ksi yung shortcut sana from DOST compound (gate 3).

anywway, pag dating ko sa bahay edi hinanap ko na yung susi pero wala. HAHAHHAA odba so alam ko nang most likely nadala ko tlaga sya. hindi narin naman ksi ako naghalungkat ng bag non, bilang nasanay na din na nakaka limot ng gamit. nagsayang lang talaga ako ng oras at pamasahe, napaka init pa.

nung pabalik na ako lumakas yung ulan, like?? scorching heat nung lumabas ako ehh!!! balak ko pa naman sanang maglakad nlng using another shortcut (gate 2).

habang nasa trike at nagpupuno ng pasahero, inisip ko nalang that i really needed that time para makahinga. siguro kaya hindi na din ako naghanap sa bag kasi kailangan ng utak ko ng time off after ng mini breakdowns kasi sa desk- not work related yung thoughts. nakatulong din yung ulan pampakalma. :')

naglakad nalang ako pagbaba ng PAE (gate 4) entrance going to our building. coping mechanism ko tlaga ang maglakad. felt better naman pagdating ng office.

ayun, wala lang. as much as i wanted na ishare dito yung mga nasa isip ko nung mga oras na yon, hirap din ako. ang overwhelming.

ang galing na parang auto response ng katawan ko yung umalis kanina (o baka katangahan lang din talaga na di ko muna chineck gamit ko just to make sure na hindi ko nadala, HAHAHA pero sa imagination ko eh hndi ko nailagay sa bag ko today at naiwan sa gamit ko kahapon)

gusto ko din sabihin na naappreciate ko extra yung ulan kanina, kahit hassle yung timing. most people really find it calming pero ako hndi gaano. saks lang- unless naka rest mode ako sa isang place, nakatingin sa malayo, yung sound at pagpatak would really be calming

#ll #thoughts

[artemicia]

Ayun, hi, hello. Kaunting update lang para makahinga ako kahit paano sa mga bagay-bagay. Ang saya rin pala talaga nang hindi masyadong naguupdate sa social media kasi mas nakakapagfocus din ako sa ibang parte ng buhay ko.

Bale sa ilang linggong MIA ako, nakapag-close kami ng first local client para sa SMM package. Tatlo lang kami sa team na ginawa ko, yung kapatid ko saka yung jowa niya. Ang rason bakit ko yon binuo eh para matulungan sila talaga kasi okay naman na ako sa work ko. Yung jowa ng kapatid ko kasi nawalan ng client tapos hirap makapasok sa mga inapplyan niya. Medyo nawawalan na siyang pag-asa sa freelancing no’n.

Tapos may pinuntahan kaming coffee shop na inalukan niya ng SMM pagkatapos namin maki-kape sa kanila. Sakto na naghahanap pala sila ng SMM tapos na-close namin. Tuwang-tuwa naman yung dalawa tapos laking pasasalamat nga raw nila kasi ako raw talaga nag-push sa kanila para doon.

Paano ba naman, ako na gumawa ng website kuno sa Canva, pati Facebook, Instagram, at Tiktok page. Ako na rin nag-ayos ng CV nila para makapag-apply pa rin sila kung saan-saan. Kako tanim lang nang tanim, unahan na lang kung saan tutubo. Tapos sabi nga ng asawa ko, when it rains, it pours.

Napatotohanan yon nung na-close na namin yung local client tapos bumalik pa ulit yung nawalang client ng jowa ng kapatid ko. Tapos may interested din na isa pang coffee shop sana sa SMM package namin. Ang susi lang talaga minsan eh yung matinding pagkapit sa paniniwalang meron at merong darating.

Tapos yung jowa ng kapatid ko, hiyang-hiya raw sakin kasi feeling niya wala siyang ambag. Kasi ang usapan, since una pa lang naman na client at mababa lang naman ang rate compared sa international clients, sa kanila na muna kako yon pero halos ako pa rin lahat gumawa. Sabi ko na lang ganon talaga, minsan di tayo sabay-sabay aangat. Ang mahalaga eh yung magtulungan sa paghila pataas.

Goal namin ngayon na maka-close pa kahit isa o dalawang kliyente. Sana umigi pa lalo ngayong magkakalahating taon na ng 2023. Kung hindi man ngayong taon, pero sana nasimulan na kahit paano. Okay na ko kung next year na kami mag-boom. Ang mahalaga para sakin ngayon naumpisahan na.

[undercaffeinatedsoul]

Hi. Just want to say thank you sa pakikinig sakin, somehow na feel ko kahit papano na may kakampi ako and you did not invalidate my feelings, you made me feel that i am not alone. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.

And to the anon who sent me an indirect message. You don't know how your message made me feel somehow okay and i never thought that a stranger's words can embrace my aching heart. Your words are on point, they made me realize a lot. But you know, i will be honest, our hearts get stubborn when in love. We are still talking, i wanted to stop myself but i can't, hindi ko kaya pala. And he's confusing, he still talks to me, akala ko iiwasan niya ako diba he told me ayaw niya ako umasa yet here, he's still talking to me like the usual as if nothing happened, tho he explained himself to me. He's really new to these things, he doesn't know how to react. Sorry this message is getting long, wala lang ako mapagsabihan cos you know i don't want him to look bad sa ibang taong malalapit samin. But thank you so much for the advice and listening to me. I appreciate it so much. ✨

Thank you rin sa pag share ng mga dinaramdam mo. And I want you to know that I, and other mutuals here on tumblr, will always listen to you and give you advice when you need, because we’re all friends here, right?

I don’t know what you wanna do about the guy. And what his real intentions are, I just hope it’s good and he won’t break your heart. Maybe just enjoy whatever happens, kung masaya ka kapag kausap mo sya, go lang. but prepare yourself for more pain just in case. I won’t stop you if gusto mo magpakatanga or something, you can always come to me if you need to cry, yayakapin lang kita ng mahigpit hanggang di ka na makahinga. Joke lang. I will support you all the way.

I would love to hear more from you, and next time I wish you’re happier na whether with that guy or with someone else or by yourself.

[walaumalistulog]

When Love Almost Killed Me

Ni minsan, hindi sumagi sa isip ko ang mag-alaga ng hayop. Sarili ko nga hindi ko maalagaan nang maayos, mga hayop pa kaya. Isa siguro akong tipikal na prototype ng Gen Z—adik sa pop culture, social media, memes, at kung anu-anong stuffs (uy, magta-type na siya ng bobo!).

But I accidentally had a pet cat. How? Out of nowhere, mag-isa lang ako sa place namin. Sa may kitchen area, rinig ko na nagkakalampagan ang mga kasirola’t mga kalan. Not gonna lie, naduwag ako. Wala naman nga kasing pet. But naririnig ko from afar na may nagma-meow. Pinuntahan ko, at sobrang gulat ako because I have never seen a cat na ganoong kaganda.

Eventually, I asked my mother if ano gagawin. We decided to post a picture of the cat sa Facebook to know sino may-ari and ayon, ang daming nagma-mine sa pusa! Ginawang paninda! At ang dami ring umaangkin! We decided to turn down the post dahil ang daming umaangkin at hindi namin alam sino may tunay na may-ari. After no’n, dinala namin siya sa vet clinic para ipa-groom. Hindi lumaon, napalapit na loob ko sa kanya. I decided to name him “Taylor”, because I was listening to “mirrorball” by TS when I found him.

Sobrang takot and sobrang lumalayo sa mga tao. Hindi naman siya wild, but sobrang mailap. Para siyang grumpy cat, but filled with fear. Sabi lang sa akin ni Mama, ako raw magpakain para mapaamo ko. Well, never nga naman nagkamali ang mga nanay at hindi nagtagal, umamo na sa akin to the point na konting tawag ko lang sa kanya, lumalapit na siya and minsan sinasalubong pa ako pagkauwi.

Lumipas mga buwan, I had to leave him sa Bulacan to review for boards sa Manila. Malaki naman tiwala ko sa pamilya ko na maalagaan nila si Taylor. Midway ng review, I decided na umuwi. Makapag-unwind kahit papaano. I decided to sleep beside Taylor for the first time because I missed him very much.

Nagising ako mga gawing 2 AM dahil sobrang nahihirapan ako huminga. I turned on the aircon dahil akala ko mainit lang but I saw myself sa harap ng mirror na ang dami kong pantal. Sobrang hirap ako makahinga, to the point na para akong sinasakal. I was having a severe allergic reaction (anaphylaxis). I sent myself to the emergency room riding a motorcycle, may ginawang stuff lang sa akin as first aid. Mabuti naagapan agad. The next day, I decided na magpunta sa doctor for a consult. Turns out, allergic rhinitis ako.

I could still remember that moment. I remember how difficult it is to breath. I was fighting for my life. I never thought that something I really love would be the one to inflict danger to me. I had no choice, but to send him to my titas. I always pay him a visit naman, but I was wearing mask while I try to play with him.

After a week, my mom received a message from a stranger. Apparently, that’s the original owner of Taylor. They sent pictures of him when he was young—so innocent. So full of love.

My home is back home, finally.

[dmedrrt]

Breathe

Thursday and friday is my only day off but mostly nasa school pa ako kapag friday kasi yung saturday until wednesday ko is duty sa hospital. I don't know where to start talking about things like this but I am not often posting things like this sa ngayon kasi too busy to post, too busy to scroll, too busy to think, too lazy to post because I'm exhausted at the end of the day.

Lalo na and natapat na night duty ako. I love the way I treasure my day off and yung tipong wala ako pinagsisihan kasi I spend it from my love once and others that I value most. Sulit pa din yung day off ko nagkataon lang din na this friday is cancel yung class. Gusto ko lang makahinga ng maayos kasi hindi ko maiyak kaya I wanna breathe deeply away from toxic environments and away from the things na kailangan ko gawin.

Did I learned something today? Yes!

#pause

[tokwattoge]

Journal | 7.12.2023

Topic: Business

Isa to sa tinik na nararamdaman ko ngayon. What a year itong 2023. Maraming pagkakamali, pero maraming natutunan talaga. Ito yung taon na sobrang lumobo yung utang ko. Ito rin yung taon na sinubukan kong mag invest sa dalawang business na parehas palpak.

Nanlalambot ako habang tntype ko to ngayon. Alam ko naman na kaya pa makarecover bago matapos ang taon basta tuloy lang pero honestly nahihirapan na din ako. Hindi naman ako tumitigil sa paghahanap ng paraan para makaahon pero wala pa talaga eh. Sirang sira na credit score ko, pero praying lang na magtutuloy tuloy ito makakabawi din don.

Sobrang bigat din nung nangyari sa isang business venture. Bumili kami ng baka nung January, nagpadalos dalos si partner sa pagbili ng baka kasi he wanted to get it over with. Ending sobrang walang kwenta nung baka na nabili. Nabili ng 28500 bumili pa ng mga palyat, nabenta ng 1350. Di ako nagmumura pero pamamatangina na lang. Ngayon naman nag invest kami sa gotohan around May. Isang buwan lang nag operate tumigil na, ang daming aberya. Yung business partner namin parang umayaw na kaya nakahold kami ngayon. Oo hindi madali magbusiness pero parang nakakadala. Di ko alam kung pano ako makakarecover sa ganitong feeling parang natrauma ako. Siguro dala na rin to ng pagiging bata pa kami at first time lang namin magnegosyo. Napakahirap.

Naiisip ko, hindi rin basta maging business owner. Minsan abonado ka pa para mapasweldo mo yung mga tao mo at mabili lahat ng supplies na kailangan. Bakit yung ibang business owners okay naman? San kami kulang? Nag iisip ako, ito ba talaga yung para samin? Gusto ko lang talaga makahinga ng maayos. Makahinga ng walang utang. Sinusubukan ko naman.

#debt free journey #road to no utang

[diwatah]

>

But First, Coffee

It was a nice day to sip sum cold drink, especially when u order “matcha latte”. Matcha Latte is one of my go-to-fave drink too!

We’re on our way to tanza to visit my cousin who got into accident, motor accident. Sabi nila no choice kundi magpa-opera dahil nagcrack yung balakang niya. He’s fine, he’s going to be fine. I remember when his gf, ate lhalaine messaged me that night, “Luisa, naaksidente kami ng kuya mo.” hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon ko that time, it was mixe emotions.

I hurried start onni, i also forgot to bring my driver license that time pero sa sobrang pagmamadali ko nakalimutan ko na dalhin. I was on my way sa place kung saan sila naaksidente and malayo palang nakikita ko yung mga ibat ibang ilaw, yung nakikita mo kapag may accident sa daan.

Dali dali kong pinark si onni at takbo lakad ginawa ko hanggang sa makita ko na nakahiga sa kalsada si kuya while ate lhalaine was sitting beside him. Ang alam ko lang bigla akong napa-upo sa kalsada katabi ni kuya wentz and that’s where my tears fell down. Alam mo yun? ang sakit sa dibdib, hindi ka makahinga kasi nakikita mo mismo ng dalawa mong mata na ganun kalagayan ng loved ones mo.

You know what’s funny but at the same nakakataba ng puso? Si kuya pa and ate lhalaine ang nagalo sakin because i was crying so hard that time, i kept saying, “kuya ano nangyari, hindi kayo nagiingat” and naramdaman ko yung kamay ni kuya na hinawakan niya mismo mga kamay ko, nanginginig, nanghihina at nanlalamig. “Sshh, okay lang ako.” kahit na alam mong hindi okay, siya parin yung nag-alo sakin at pinapatahan.

I was so scared that time, akala ko mawawala na isa sa mga loved ones ko, lalo nat sobrang lapit sakin. Now, i’m praying for your fast recovery kuya, laban lang, mags-seaman ka pa.