#I left her alone for months and then she has to go and acuse me of something I didn’t even know happened | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cybernightwanderer · 4 years

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30 years old trapped living with my mom in quarantine.

So basicly if you saw my last post, or didnt doesnt matter. According to my mother ( of three - me, and two older brothers ) i owe her my life, while my brothers dont. ( Because she raised me LOL ) According to my mother i have to serve her and financialy contribute/support her my whole life, even if it means i wont be able to gather for my own house or life. My mom controls my money. My life. And tries to control how i act, dress, or look overall, what i like, what dreams i can , and cannot have. If i can leave a emotionally and physical harming job or not. If i get to have a roof over my head or not. And this is how : - I had a dept i had to pay, and its fully payed of, and since she is my mother ofc i dont have “ receits “ of what i payed her. But its simply a matter of memory and math,and checking my contracts of the three largest jobs i worked ( 2 years and half each ) i payed her every month between 150-210 every month. ( i started paying before that, i mean i even quit school because she pushed my into depression because of it ) I would also pay my own medical buills, transportation, food, etc. My own shit basicly. If i do confront her claiming that i already payed her, she will either : Invalidate , deny that i payed her, or payed her enought. And that i dont have proof. Threaten me to kick me off the house, to beat me, to leave me on the road etc, shes not very creative, its always the same. And that if i already payed her my dept, that i still have to pay 200 to stay home for food and gast and shit THAT I USE, or she will kick me out. ( and of i dont have money to sustain myself because of this ) However gas, light and water, cable its expenses i already pay half by half with her wich sums about to 50 euros per month ( wich also includes her OWN cellphone bill ) So she demands me paying that. PAYING food ( that i already do if you do the math , specially because i can spend a whole month eating just cereal or not eating at all ) So i pay her 200 a month ( aside if i owe her something i will also pay, but now i refuse her attempts of lending me money, because i always run out of money half way into the month. ( note she will get offended if i do not accept her offer to lend me money because she is “ concerned for my health “ LOL ) So making an easier note i pay for : - Half of the bills - gas, light , water, cable , and half of her phone ( she forces me , and threatens me if i try to refuse ) - This sums up to 50 euros. - The right to be in my mothers house , the right to eat the food she buys. - This sums up to 150 euros. Aside from this i pay with whats left of my money : - Transportation - 40 euros. - My own cellphone bill. like 20 euros.

- Food sometimes - 50 euros every two weeks,( wich she also eats, for example if i buy lactose free yogurts like 10 , she will drink 5. If i buy smooth cookies ( because i have three broken teeth ) she will eat more than half , if not the whole packadge. If i eat cereal , or barely eat she will constantly yell and chase me down to eat something. So lets say i dont have much money and i dont wanna spend the leftover money i have on food, because i might need something else, she will not leave me alone. Yet i already pay for food costs on the general 200 montly bill, yet if i do not pay for my own food at the supermarquet or even eat the food she bought she will make my life a living hell for two weeks or more. Meaning its a vicious cicle and it has no end, its always looping. -Mecial bills - for my hernias back and legg pain, depression, anxiety and respiratory alergies. - wich leads up to 50-80 euros , if i dont go to medical apointments ( wich i dont anymore, that would be more 180 euros ) And medical buills in general, i tend to have a lot of teeth infections because i cannot afford going to the dentist, so im always buying antibiotics or painkillers to “ hold on “ , and can never go to an actual apointment. -My own living supplies, if i need clothes, shoes or wtv. And living in my mothers house : - I have no privacy or personal space, meaning she will enter my room, after knocking , most of the times not even knocking, even if i say no SHE WILL enter. At least 10 times or more, half ot the times to yell or complain at me. Usualy between 14 - 21 . Meaning if i wanna do an art project : recordings, painting time lapses and shit, BASICLY BE IN MY OWN ROOM i have to ask for permission and explain why lol. And still she wont respect it. - If i dont wax either my face or leggs or something , she will spend at least half an hour everyday telling me how bad it looks and how shamefull it is. Either in public or in private ( its humiliating ). The same goes to : - If i wear certain clothes or makeup - im either dressing badly and she wont allow me to go out to the grocery store with her, and will pressure me ( force me and yell at me ) if i dont. If i overdress, she will also shame me. I mean she just humiliates me and makes me feel bad overall for any decision on my own life basicly. Specially little things. - She will treat me badly for two weeks or more ( like a tantrum ) i dont do things exacly like she orders , like if i dont do my bed ( i mean im depressed and just want to die, and she makes my life harder than it is to a point i can barely get out of bed sometimes ) she will get in my room 5 to 6 times and yell everyday for not making my bed, or my room not being tidy. Up until 3 years ago , she would come up to my room and organize my display shelf the way she wanted and yell at me for complaining about it. Like i have certain arts and crafts pastel paste in one tiny pink basquet, pendants in a green one and glus and stuff in a blue one. She would come up and take everything out and put it in a trash. It took a lotttt, and i do mean a lot of daily arguments, head heat for her to stop messing with my display cabnet. - At the age of 28(?) i did my first two piercings, she spent a whole week shaming me and telling me how ugly it made me look and that i ruined my face. Even tho its something i had always dreamed of, and she never allowed me to. - Like i said before i buy my own clothes, and sometimes i sell the old ones. She will take the ones i wanna sell, for herlsef because she needs them and i have no right to sell them. I mean, if its mine, if i bought it, and i wanna sell it, so use the money to buy something difrent, then its mine right? She either will “ borrow “ clothes without permission , when she does ask permission i have to tell yes because, you know, she will unleash hell. The only thing i ask her is to leave the things where she found it after using it because while working i dont have much time before leaving for looking for them. And after a while of not asking for permission i notice, a lot of clothes go missing. She later on, keeps the clothes for weeks or even a month, and then claims its hers , or just forgets where she put it ( she lost already a few pieces of mine, specialy my favourite tshirt ) And if i ask for them , she will yell at me for acusing her LOL. For example. Early last month she has the tendancy to force me to wash my clothes with hers. I usualy refuse because she will stupidly charge me for it, or confuse my clothes with hers. So i always do my laundry separate. She hates it when i do it btw. Recently there was a major fight, she almost kicked me ouf ot the house/car in the midle of the highway.

She has a black V neck BODY ( note a full body shirt ) in black with layered strippes. I have a black turtle neck crop top size S also with the black layered stripes( meaning its a really short shirt, its impossible to mistake ) But NOTE , one is a turtle neck crop top , the other is a V neck BODY, i mean, theres no way you can confuse them , specialy if you put the in a HANGER FFS. I usualy wear it to work, because, well. Well.. what can i say my coworkers are fuckers and cant handle personal style. So i tend to tone it down a bit, already get humiliated for too many things on a daily basis at work, dont need more. And the shirt went missing for two weeks after i brought it home after washing and put it in a hanger. I have it also in two other colors in yellow and pink. So i spent looking for it an hour or two , because i knew i had put it there. I didnt even dare to ask her, and she came up to me and asked me what i was looking for. And i showed her the pink and yellow one, and told her. She said SHE NEVER SAW THAT SHIRT OR ANYTHING LIKE IT. I mean....if you have one “like “ it , you could at least check no? Well lets just say this shit ended badly after i found ou my shirt was HIDDEN in her room. I came home with my washed laundry, she trew everything on the ground and stepped all over the wash clothes humiliating me and calling me names... SO yeah FUN. Carrying on. My mom always had the tendancy to go in my room and trought my things. What can i do.. Anyway , this is all for now.

#self #toughts #fear #pain #depression #anxiety #suicide #end my fucking life #end my existence #end my pain #end my life #end my misery #abuse #trauma #toxic #manipulative #toxic family #toxic behavior #toxic mother

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lynn-potat-blog · 6 years

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My mom told be she's concerned im taking "sexy selfies" in the bathroom and posting them. First of all:the only reason she has to go off of is the fact that I left stockings in the bathroom this morning. And I bought a red lip stick that I never wear! Let me explain. I have scars on my legs from when I self harmed. To avoid getting into it with my mother about it I don't wear shorts. So today I was going through my closet to see what all clothes I have bc I'm tired of wearing 2x clothing when I'm actualy a 'M' or in some brands an 'L' I found a pair of white stockings with black stripes from Halloween last year. I thought "Well their thin enough to wear in the summer but thick enough so my scars won't show. I can actualy wear shorts now!" I put them on but they were a little tight so I took them off and left them in the bathroom for next time. Then tonight I was hot so I put them on again but was about to go to sleep so took them off and put on sweatpants. So there they lay in the bathroom. She says "Iv seen some thing around the bathroom that lead me to believe your Taking sexy selfies and putting them online" ok Sherlock. What the fuck. So I explain to get why I was wearing the stockings and I didn't think I needed to explain the makeup since Iv been wearing makeup since I was in 6th grade and she was cool with it then so what's changed now that I'm 16? Anyways tonight I bleached my hair again. (This was b4 she acused me of whoring around on ig) so after about 2 hours I went back into the bathroom and dried my hair put oils in it and saw my hair was pretty damaged to I put oils in it and put my hair up in a slicked back ponytail. Now this part takes a bit of explaining. For years I wore a full fave of makeup everyday. But for the last 5 months I haven't worn any makeup-- EXCEPT... one line of eyeliner at the end of my eyes to make them look bigger. I keep this line on all day. I never wipe it off. Why? Bc I hate my fucking face and even tho it's one tiny line of black in the corner of my eye, it's changes the way my whole face looks. So even before I go to bed, I re apply the line so that it's there when I wake up. It's easy it takes literally 3 seconds. And boom that's my makeup routine. As for the red lipstick... I bought a red lipstick a few months ago. And the only time of worn it is on the 4th of July this year (for obvious festive reasons🇱🇷) and since then it's sat in a plastic container on the bathroom counter. I have literaly no idea what "makeup" she was referring to when she said she was "concerned about the makeup" ugh so anyways I put the line of black on my eye and was a bout to go lay down for bed when my mom stopped me and said "are you wearing makeup?" I said "I'm wearing a line of eyeliner" ya know the line of eyeliner if been wearing for 5 fucking months. Anyways so she says "before bed?" *I'm just thinking: yea. Like how Iv been doing for 5 MONTHS!!! WHY ARE U QUESTIONING THIS NOWWWWW!?? I say yes. And she says "but are you wearing MAKEUP?" At this point in confused as hell. What is she getting at? (Reminder: I'm not wearing any makeup. Except for the thin line of liner at the corner of my eye) she says "are you wearing foundation? I can see foundation and lipstick" uh no you can't. 1) it's dark. 2) I'm not wearing make-up.

At this point I'm extremely pissed off and I'm a calm collected chill person. But when I get pissed even if it's my mom I'll argue back. So now were just going back and forth of basicly her telling me I'm wearing makeup and me saying I'm not. Ad of its not clear enough that I'm NOT FUCKING WEARING MAKEUP! So then I give up and lay down and she says "I'm just worried about you on the internet" listen I rarely take selfies to begin with. I hate my fucking face. And sexy selfies at that?? I hate my body #anorexia I mean God damn how many times do I have to go over this with my own mother?? I feel like I can't even use my win fucking bathroom without being interrogated when I come out! I'm not sus when it comes to my phone. She had no reason to worry! WHY can't she just leave me alone sometimes. She doesn't let me leave so I'm always on my phone. Then she gets upset when I'm on my phone. Fuck I'm stressed.

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