I keep track of my money. One savings account I have has gone from $250 to $500. I deleted the 2 but anxiety told me not to insert a new zero between the 5 and remaining zero because they now know each other and shouldn’t be separated. What the hell? Again, anxiety is telling me that all everything is alive and has feelings. The zero is not alive and the 5 and 0 are not living things.
With nearly 60% of everything I do I have to justify it as if I am on trial. As if I am trying to defend myself in court. It is the judgemental god of the old testament again. I carry guilt, I see that now. I need to accept the bad things about me, shine a light on them so I can move on. I can’t be afraid of my past anymore. I can’t change it, and I refuse to let it have power over me. Once you give power to something, to let something control your life; people, things, beliefs, it can be near impossible to get that power back. It’s why I refuse to believe in superstition. I’ll walk under a ladder while a black cat walks by any day. I have given power to my mother. It is time I took that power back.
Because of panic buying by the general population in fear of Coronavirus I’m going to advise that my Kundalini brothers and sisters especially those who live in the cities go to the grocery store and stock up on your food and other requirements. I’m not suggesting that you engage in Panic buying. I am suggesting that because those around you are doing that, that the items that you may want to partake of may not be there because of it. I want you to be safe and healthy as the world responds to this kind of a challenge. Remember to trust in your Kundalini. There is no greater power on this world. And you have it and it has you and there is no need to fear.
I can’t accuse you.
I know you have fear nested in your heart.
I can help you by praying not to leave you a permanent scar.
You think that you’re safe-
Safe far from the hate.
You think that you’re great;
Till you start to fade.
Till you start to fail.
Till you start to wail.
As small silver swirls of smoke,
Surround the flickering spark of hope-
The dark tentacles scratch and scar
the world won’t let you get too far…
I cannot deny the gripping anxiety felt whenever my mind wanders these days. It’s best to keep it on a leash, best to keep the blinders secure, but sedation is always preferable. Just the thought of what tomorrow could bring vacuums away the air, and the choking begins. The very Book of Revelation causes my heart to beat off rhythm and sets the paranoia flaring in wave upon nauseating wave. I know now I’m not a true Christian - I don’t think I ever was. Instead of hastily remedying this error…I find myself frozen, unable to act…unable to feel. I know what lies ahead…and I’m terrified. I know what the solution is…and I feel too hardened to receive. No, the viruses of the world never intimidate - the Day of Judgement to come is what keeps my heart pounding, what keeps the anxiety heightened, what keep the sleep away…what terrifies me of tomorrow.
I was trying to dream. But my mind is full of fear. So all I dreamed was nothing but nightmares.
Why do people LIE? Is it because they find it fun? Is it because they think it will help? Or is it because they think people will be mad? What if it’s all of the above. We always wonder why others lie to us, but we don’t ask ourselves, “Why do I LIE?”. It does not take any special ability to lie. We all can do it…I mean almost everything we see is a lie on the interweb.
Do people do this to forget the pain they been through? Depending on who you ask the answers will be different. Yes, you can put them in categories which it relates or falls under; but it doesn’t change the fact of it all being different. Going back to me saying (well typing), “Why do I LIE?”. We have to ask ourselves this, because we might not understand why we lie our own selves. Most of the time I think we lie under the realm of fear. We all fear something, especially if we cant control it. Can we just subdue the fear and minimalize it? Yes, but it is still something we can’t control…well maybe, but that’s a whole other topic for another day. I will leave this open-ended because its not for me to tell anyone what they should believe.
To the “bad” who die young
Who’ve heard the opposite sung
Passing into the hot o’ Summer
Fearing autumns dreary drummer
Beckoning the the leaves to fall
Listlessly but most graceful of all
departing before the inevitable cold
still full of love and bold
Do not envy ye did not grow old
This winter your story we told
Rather than Whumpee’s shoe cracking something underfoot and alerting the whumper to their position, consider a reverse: Whumper’s shoe cracking something underfoot and Whumpee’s sudden terrified realization that they’re not alone/being followed
How can I tell people God is life
When my doubts won’t let me escape this strife
When depression is my closest friend
How can I tell people I’ve seen the end
How can I tell everyone that God is love
When I feel like I’ve never had enough
When the fakers came and brought me down
How can I speak and not be a clown
What do I say about anxiety
How every single day it’s eating up me
What do I say about this suicidal voice
Telling me I’ve never had a choice
How can my life be sermon with these problems
How can I reach people when I can’t solve them
I can’t just get into the pulpit and tell a lie
What kind of man would that be I don’t want cry
But I’m broken speaking about pain and no fun
Telling people there is hope but I have none
Because that singular voice that’s in my head
It’s been chasing me for years and it want’s me dead
Don’t get me wrong I still believe
I’ll still stand tall this is my creed
But the problem is I can’t accept another label
Cause it will go down like Cain and Able
“Just pray about it.” I have prayed for years
I’ve fought for my life and through tears
Hold this hand and tell me…
Where does all this fear come from?
Where does all this hate come from?
I love these yellow fuckers
Tbh, one of my irrational fears is that I’ll die before my favorite shows end. I need to know how they end, dammit