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curiousartemis · 4 years

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Beard Daddy Harem Masterlist

Okay, so as everyone knows, I am what you might call a beard daddy aficionado; let’s just say that if there’s a beard daddy in a game or series he’s going to be my new husbando.

There are myriad reasons for this, chief of which is that which lies at the core of the beard daddy persona: hard outer shell harboring a soft squishy center (and belly). Masculinity minus the toxicity. Bearded angst with heartbreak reflecting in his tired, dark eyes. What’s not to love.

So I decided to do what any reasonable aficionado would do and create a ranked master list of all the excellent beard daddies who have been welcomed into my harem and into the warm loving arms of my OCs and would-be OCs.

The daddies will be judged according to three different ranking systems: 1. Beard Game 2. Daddyness 3. Nobility of Character

Beard Daddy #1: Blackwall

Some might call him the king of Beard Daddies, except he is no king, unlike some on this list. This lonely Warden-but-not-a-Warden is first discovered in Dragon Age: Inquisition training random farmer guys to protect themselves against bandits. He meets my OC and after five minutes has an immediate hard-on for him. What can I say, the man has taste.

1. Beard Game Blackwall’s beard game is not as strong as you might thing. While he is heavily bearded, his beard is very untrimmed, and if we add to this the fact that his skin is looking a little harsh (and I’m not talking about wrinkles, which add wisdom and majesty to the beard daddy’s face), we can assume that Blackwall is not really into personal grooming. Comments from other characters seem to confirm this. However, his beard is extremely full and thick; his hair is long and equally dark and thick, and in some mods he is graying. 👌 It must also be pointed out that many mods clean up Blackwall’s complexion and beard so that he still looks bearded and angsty but also like he occasionally bathes and combs his hair. 6/10

2. Daddyness Is not, in fact, a daddy; however, does appear to take the most youthful member of the team, Sera, under his wing. His willingness to train the farmers speaks of a promising streak of over-protectiveness. Low key wants children, as we catch him chiseling out a rocking griffon in the barn. He is suitably embarrassed as he glances up and gazes into what are clearly the amused eyes of the future father of his adopted children. 8/10

3. Nobility of Character Blackwall was ready to be killed for a crime he committed years ago, partly to save his own conscience, and partly to save the lives of the people he commanded. He is wracked with guilt, a guilt that consumes him and forces him to beg you to leave him to rot in jail. Even before this, Blackwall took the name and identity of the man he admired most and did his best to emulate him. In essence, Blackwall made one mistake as a young man and has spent the rest of his life paying for it. That may be fair, considering the mistake made, but his incessant desire to atone for that mistake exhibits his incredible nobility of character. 10/10

OVERALL RANKING: 8/10

Beard Daddy #2: Ulfric Stormcloak

Considered “controversial” because most people don’t know how to appreciate a truly fine specimen of beard daddy. That which makes him “problematic” is what makes him #1 in our hearts. Mostly because we are capable of exhibiting reading comprehension and complexity of thought.

1. Beard Game Look, there is no nice way to put this: Ulfric’s beard game is weak af. Even Ulfric lovers agree that that mess crawling up his face is a disaster that all of Skyrim should be ashamed of. Plus, even more so than Blackwall, Ulfric’s skin is wrecked. This man does not moisturize. This man also does not know WTF to do with his hair. Two braids on the side and then the rest just shoved back like he’s applied a buttload of mousse and prayed to the Nine it never moves? Shameful. Of course, like Blackwall, mods have helped to vastly improve his hygienic outlook. Males of Skyrim gives him the hair he deserves, and any decent face texture mod can clean those pores right up. However, the facial hair issue is still just that, an issue, which is why he has a full and proper beard in my story which he grows out even more because my OC is unapologetically hot for beard daddies. 5/10

2. Daddyness Canonically childless, but as there is an average of about 1.5 children in every major hold in Skyrim, we can hardly hold this against him. Many fan artists and writers give him children, and he’s the proud uncle of five in my story. He even made his eldest niece his heir. However, points must be taken for his refusal to even entertain the thought of having children with my OC. Never mind that he’s totally right in that he hasn’t the time to properly devote to a child, as well as in his stolid belief that a crying baby would make his husband want to tear his hair out and bash his face again against the palace walls. He remains child-free and stress-full. 6/10

3. Nobility of Character Immediate points for being an actual king, but this is on top of the fact that he exhibits such actual nobility of character that it literally makes him the most interesting character in the entire game. No, see, this man spent ten years of his childhood with what basically amounts to monks; then as a young man he was so crushed at the thought of turning his back on his people and his family during their time of need that he left what was supposed to be a lifelong yoga retreat to join the righteous war against the Evil Elves. Unfortunately, points off for the terrible way he’s handling the bigotry in his own city, not to mention the MURDERS going on right beneath his very well-endowed... nose. Of course, nobody’s perfect, and dishonorable actions make for angsty beard daddy pasts (see above), but this is also the reason approximately 10 people are currently typing up anonymous asks wherein they inform me that I am a Nazi and a Trump-supporter for not wanting to burn effigies of Ulfric in my front yard. However, like Blackwall, we do see him address these issues in my story, which as we know is the only canon taken into consideration for the purposes of this list. 9/10

OVERALL RANKING: 7/10

Beard Daddy #3: Ifan ben-Mezd

The sleeper agent among beard daddies. The fact that more people don’t know he exists is an utter travesty. The warmth of his voice alone as he gently pulls you close and tells you you’re amazing should be enough to make even the most stoic of beard daddy aficionados melt into a puddle of pure Source.

1. Beard Game Fierce and free. Ifan’s beard is practically a companion in its own right; depending on which piece of official art you’re looking at, this is either a good thing or a bad thing. In the right light, Ifan’s beard is wild, graying, and indicative of the fierce heart of the wolf which beats within his manly breast. In the wrong light, it looks like he bought it at the Party Store and pasted it on with Elmer’s glue. However, regardless of that, his hair is nearly always on point. Long and flowing in the breeze behind him as he gazes intensely into the camera, his hair simply says, “I will fuck you, gently, lovingly, and relentlessly.” As for his skin, it may be scarred and wrinkled, but at least it’s not covered in dirt. 9/10

2. Daddyness Unfortunately, we have to take a hit here. Ifan exhibits no real fatherly tendencies throughout the game, though we wouldn’t say he’s in any way unkind or cruel towards children. He never expresses hopes for the future in terms of building a family, and we don’t see him taking any younger members of the party under his wing. His fondness for the elves is something, but he takes on the position of child towards them more so than doting parent. Would he make a good father? Undoubtedly. But so far that’s all we’ve got. 2/10

3. Nobility of Character True, he starts the game as a “Wayfarer” and has the “Outlaw” personality type. But once again, we have a beard daddy who has committed an atrocious act in his past and seeks to atone for it. In Ifan’s case, he was completely and utterly duped, yet he nevertheless feels intense guilt and grief over his actions. His apparently innate desire to stick it to the authorities as well as the gods means he’s no pushover when it comes to fighting for what’s right. And let’s not forget that Ifan ultimately turns his back on the Lone Wolves and seeks to live a more just life. There’s nothing to make us believe that he wouldn’t have our backs no matter what the situation, and once he’s committed himself to my lovely OC, I know it’s the start of something beautiful. Wolves mate for life, after all. 9/10

OVERALL RANKING: 7/10

Beard Daddy #4: King Harrow

This surprise late addition to the harem is not a character in a video game at all; he is, in fact, a character from the animated series The Dragon Prince. Warm, wise, and chock full of dad jokes, there can be no question that he belongs on this list. Sigh, I just really need to make a TDP OC for him.

1. Beard Game A strong showing, but perhaps not as strong as one might thing. Harrow’s beard is nice and thick, but it’s also exceptionally maintained. Yes, a few other beard daddies on this list may have let their beards grow a little too wild, but Harrow seems to have moved too far in the other direction. Still, his hair is absolutely glorious, and his skin looks so soft and supple to the touch (Mmm). Unquestionably visits the royal barber several times a week. 8/10

2. Daddyness IS AN ACTUAL DADDY. Truly, no other beard daddy here can top this. Plus, Harrow has not just one child but two. The younger is his biological son and future king of Katolis. The older is the biological child of his wife whom he has taken under his arm and into his heart and helped raise as if he were his own. Harrow loves his children with all his heart, would undoubtedly do ANYTHING to protect them, and on top of all that is a pretty big dork. The level of dadness in this man is utterly unprecedented—and without equal. 10/10

3. Nobility of Character But every daddy has his weak spot, and this is Harrow’s. We learn throughout the course of the show that Harrow, while suffering from grief over losing his wife, fell under the influence of Viren and agreed to kill the dragon king. Not only was this immoral but it was dumb as hell. He also allowed Viren to practice dark magic, even knowing how incredibly evil and immoral this brand of magic is. And let’s not forget that it was Viren’s idea to steal the heart of an innocent creature, an act which starts a war against the elves, and Harrow went along with it. And despite ALL this, he still considered Viren a friend. The thing is, unlike the three daddies above, Harrow never really go a chance to atone for his actions. However, to play devil’s advocate, Harrow’s entire timeline is basically made up of one grossly immoral act after another. Don’t get me wrong; I adore the man, but he really needed a new best friend. 3/10

OVERALL RANKING: 7/10

And that’s it, folks. Honestly, I thought Harrow would take this, which is why I listed him last, but the more I thought about it (and the more I read the wiki, holy shit) the more I realized this man’s entire adult life has basically been one bad decision after the next. Still doesn’t take away from the fact that he has great hair, great fathering skills, and a pretty nifty crown to top it off. Nevertheless, that leaves Thom “Blackwall” Rainier as our reigning champ among Beard Daddies. All praise his name (whichever one you feel most comfortable using).

#blackwall #thom rainier #ulfric stormcloak #ifan ben mezd #king harrow #harrow #beard daddies

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