#Idk why i let myself feel like that when i knew it wasn't reciprocated | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sour-heart-treats · 7 months

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Ananas needs Pitaya for somethin (Idk what, you can decide ^^) but he's too prideful to ask for help so he suffers

"Ananas Dragon, sire... are you sure we can't ask the other dragons for help? Since they're also dragons, surely they'd know why you've come down with-"

"I do not CARE if they knew the cure to crumbling itself!" The golden dragon Ananas would snarl, startling their poor assistant Mango. Normally he wouldn't be scared so easily, but it was understandable considering the dragon's current condition. What normal cookies would state to be simply 'ill' was a drastic understatement. "We are NOT allowing such pathetic excuses of my own kind in here... this territory is mine, and I can find the cure on my own."

Mango would look up at the bed-ridden dragon, blinking sadly at them as he looked down to the dragon's legs- that of which has been frozen to stone. The full color next to golden scales was such a sharp contrast in Mango's eyes. He's heard many tales about creatures with this capabilities, he's told some himself! But those were in deserts or buried in ruined lands. "I understand, my dragon, but... how can you rule and protect the islands like this? Can you even shift into a dragon?"

"Of course I can! How lowly do you think of me? I am simply... not feeling up to it." The gilded legend huffed, refusing to make eye contact with their friend and assistant. They both knew that the excuse was as pathetic as Ananas' own state. They hated feeling Mango's gaze on them when it wasn't a form of awe or admiration... they didn't want to- need to- be coddled.

"The red dragon is nearby, though I am certain you don't want to see them..."

"Never in a thousand years or more."

"Hm..." The tour guide would hold his oar in both hands, wringing his hands around the handle idly. "In that case, I will have to look for a cure myself. It can be an adventure! And you know how much I love those!"

Ananas would near-instinctively growl, nearly snapping at Mango again, but only holding themself back by virtue of knowing that with a dragon's blessing, he can take care of himself for certain. For someone so small, for someone that's nothing more than a regular cookie, Ananas had faith in him. There's a reason why he's the only assistant Ananas has. Even so...

"And what of myself?" The question was weak- a feeble attempt to keep Mango from leaving. It seems that the softness that Ananas unwittingly let through was reciprocated, as the guide set a gentle hand on the dragon's scaled shoulder. "You still have your geomancy, don't you? There's plenty of ways to use that to get around, especially if you're in danger! Think of it as... a rock canoe!" Mango would smile sweetly, giving a quiet laugh that nearly got the dragon to grin themself.

"Right. A good idea, coming from a cookie." The dragon would snicker, eyes meeting Mango's in a moment of understanding. "Then you are permitted to go find whatever will aid me. Not that I need it, of course, but if it will benefit me- then I see no point as to why I should distrust you."

"Thank you, Ananas Dragon." Switching his ore to one hand, the sunset-colored cookie would salute the dragon and turn away to depart. "You can count on me!" Well, more like count on the red dragon. They were nearby for a visit a few isles over. The timing couldn't have been better! Even the island's protector hated their guts, he had to try.

Anything would be better than letting Ananas lay there and stew in their own selfishness and paranoia... and that stone skin that coated their scales sure looked like it covered more than it did yesterday...

#ananas dragon cookie #mango cookie #angst drabbles #ask to tag #crob #crk #// ah yes sir (gender neutral)

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khodorkovskaya · 8 months

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23.08.23

aïe aïe aïe i posted a recap of the altin gun concert but the tumblr app just like didn't post it and now it's gone, great!

but anyway, yeah, if it works this time the video will appear here:

so yeah there were soooo many people. here is a pic my parents took and another one from nik's story:

i managed to squeeze myself through the crowd and get to the first row ofc. and i went through so many emotions... when they played this i cried. and at the end i screamed MARRY ME at merve at the top of my lungs, i hope she heard me lol. she's soooo hot oh my...

the only downside is that i didnt see many real fans at the concert. most people just stood there or worse were talking. meanwhile i jumper up and down and danced like crazy and screamed the lyrics in turkish lol. did i annoy a lot of people? probably. but i wasn't just gonna stand there while my favourite band was playing. the emotions i felt you guys...

my oxford bestie and i wanted to go to sarajevo to see lepa brena live at the zetra arena in april but now im scared because i feel like if i see her live i will just die like i will go into cardiac arrest.

so yeah, so many emotions!

other than that panda and i went to this event yesterday and i didn't network with anyone, i just ate. a lot. the buffet was so good you guys. but i legit couldnt move afterwards. it was too much.

and today i was at the library as always and i saw this girl i knew in college. and it like disturbed me idk.

so a bit of a back story, i bumped into another girl i went to college with on the street the other day. and i remember i really wanted to be friends with her but she like never reciprocated and idk why. we would talk at break time, we texted a bit, we went to germany for an exchange together, she came to my house for a party once. like we got along fine and i really wanted to get to know her bc idk she was just cool. but every time id ask her to hang out she'd just say "yeah yeah" and it never went any further. and then i got a bit frustrated and stopped initiating things and she stopped talking to me all together bc it was always me who'd make the first move.

then she stopped going to school and to be frank with you i hadn't noticed. i thought she just missed a couple of classes because we only had one class together that year and i didn't see her much anyway. but then after graduation i bumped into her on the tram and she said that she had fallen ill and had to drop out. and i felt horrible. because i was selfish thinking that she didn't like me, but she was at the hospital and i hadn't even noticed or sent a "how are you" text. i felt super guilty.

and ever since then idk, id always thought about her as like "the one who got away" in a way, you know what i mean? because i feel like we could've been great friends but she didn't like me as much as i liked her and plus she had fallen ill and things happened and i never got the chance to like become her friend. like i remember every time we'd find ourselves like alone at breaktime or on that trip to germany and we'd have these great conversations, but then things would get in the way and it always felt like we never had enough time. at least on my end. idk.

and ive bumped into her on the street god knows how many times. i haven't seen people i was actually close with in college as much as ive seen her! and every time im like "let's get coffee" and she just goes "uh-huh" and that's it. and then i bump into her again and im like god damn it, i missed my chance again! and this has been going on for literal years. things like this really make me think that im autistic

so i bumped into her again this week!

and today i saw her from across the hall talking to another girl from high school! and this is where it gets weird.

so this other girl who was with her, i remember her quite well! we were always partners in chemistry class and we did a project about nitsche for philosophy class and i think we had french together too, did we? and i remember she had a dog and liked anime. and i remembered all those things about her. and i literally haven't thought about her in yearssss! ...and i couldn't remember her name.

i was like shit. okay. chemistry class. nietzsche. dog. anime. what's her name damn it????? i couldn't remember it.

and it made me feel weird. because in order to try and remember her name i started to like dig up all those memories from college. and the more i thought about it the weirder it got. bc on one hand im like huh 2018 wasn't so long ago was it? but then i remember ahhhh chemistry class ahhhh p.e. ahhh being a teenager. it all seems so surreal. and i don't remember any of it clearly. it's all in this like weird fog.

and it sucks because i feel like since i was permanently in this "foggy" state in high school it like stunted my growth. because i missed out on so many normal teenage experiences that i can't catch up on now. like instead of having a normal relationship, i had umm my 30 yr old ex. instead of going to normal teenage parties i went to germany with a 50 year old drug addict. and i was so in my head... like. i really wasn't present. and while everyone else made lifelong friends i was just. not present.

and like it's not a big deal. at least i had the parties and the drugs and the boyfriend, right? i wasn't a loner, i wasn't bullied, i was fine. but it just like... frustrated me. that like. the "girl who got away" got a girlfriend, while i was hanging out with my 30 yr old. and she's in touch with my other former friend from highschool. meanwhile i was too busy to maintain friendships bc i was hanging out with my 30 yr old. it's all very frustrating bc i can't get that time back. i can't catch up on everything ive missed out on. and now im this friendless loser who can't remember anyone's name.

#august

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ilovemusicmore · 2 years

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Women, man.

This girl that I worked with had a bf, and they got engaged shortly after I started working with and talking to her. She told me she wanted friends, cause she didn't hang out with many people outside of her bf and his friends. So I was like cool, I need friends around my age instead of way older like usual. I even painted her and another coworker things to practice painting and as presents for christmas/in general cause, new friends! But I think she mistook my intentions.. which is also 100% normal and usually what happens. So we hadn't really talked since like, March. I also had a lot of other shit going on for myself, and I recently got fired from that job (because of discrimination, I still haven't decided how far I'm going to go legally with it but I've got unemployment about to start and a last check coming.

HOWEVER. Right after being fired, and before she knew about it, this same girl at work randomly sent me a link for her brand new OF account. On said account she lists herself as bi and only mentions being an introvert sharing her freaky side. After not speaking to each other since March. She then unsolicited called me baby girl outta no where, and I haven't corrected her with the pronoun thing yet cause I'm still too confused about wtf she's got going on. She then sent me 4 voice messages over Instagram first thing in the morning the next morning. And invited me out to a gay club with her and some other gays that all work where we used to work together. All very clear signs and indications of something, right??? And then..

Then I asked her "so what's the deal with the OF? I thought you might very gotten hacked" and her reply was along the lines of "I love sex and wanted to share that with people in my life so they could enjoy me too"

"Oh, and there will be some girl on girl action soon too so stay tuned"... 👀👀👀 OK ma'am, go off.

And then my reply, obviously, after this barrage of unsolicited everything, went along the lines of "we stab, fully support a small business. I would offer to help with volunteers but I doubt you'd need help in that department"

....lame. i know. So sue me....to which she replied... absolutely nothing. Has left me on read since Wednesday. Maybe it's because I wasn't as forward as she was being? But literally the last I heard she was engaged and had found her forever person and just wanted more friends to hang out with. But then never hung out with me when I tried and then stopped talking altogether until she sent me an OF sooooooo wtf. Why tf. Why do women. Why am I like this.

Either way all I've been able to think about since is all the different ways I wanna make her come and now I can't believe I have to wait until the day they wanna go out to hang out with her and figure it the fuck out. But, I gotta wait till I get my last check before I can do anything else about it anyway. Atm I have half a tank of gas and $25 for food till whenever that gets issued. And florida only requires them to send it out within 30 days of termination so they could technically wait till after the date everyone wants to go out before they issue it. I could get 1 or 2 unemployment checks before I get my actual final check

But anyway. Now idk if I've ruined it before it could start or if she's waiting for me to reciprocate some of the forwardness, idk if I should dig in harder and figure out something else to say or if I should leave it alone and give it some air before hanging out in person. What I really wanna do is be honest and let her know how much she's driving me crazy with everything and figure out if it's the intent or if I'm misreading things but how exactly do you misread that? Why send me the link at all if you don't either wanna think about me joining or something? We hadn't spoken in months. Idk. Maybe she thought I'd find out through work and feel left out? Why would that matter tho?

WHY AM I LIKE THIS

#just shoot me please #blonde hair blue eyes a british accent and she loves cars #pleeeeease put me outta my misery #my day dreams are getting too good and i know thats never obtainable so i gotta stop #wheres my lobotomy #i ordered one after the first girl that broke my heart and it STILL hasnt shown up #i just #am really bored atm and at least have someone/something to fantasize about now #i wish people were easier to figure out without getting screwed by them first.#but like... also... if youre tryna...#just going to have to make clear comunication a requirment for anytjing cause im done for a fling if she wants but #id really like a chance to get to know her and make her happy too #idk. we'll see #fucking #t minus three weeks to hang out unless i get a check sooner and can try and do something with her

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sokkas1mp · 3 years

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I gonna break in this acocunt with me being angry about something that doesn't really matter (very fitting for tumblr if you ask me), this article.

First: "And I’m sorry to open with this, but part of that is due to the age difference between them. Two years is hardly worlds apart (I’m personally working with four), but a 12-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl are. Especially the way these two are drawn. Not to be too voyeuristic about Y7 cartoons, but Katara has clearly gone through puberty, while Aang hasn’t. There is something just…off, about a sixth grade boy having a full on make-out sesh with a high school girl."

This argument is one of the most stupid ones if you ask me, because it blatantly ignores the culture we have been presented by the show. I can understand why people find this weird, but we have to try not to look at it as if its our society, because its not. In A:tla, specifically the water tribes, 16 is marrying age. Right there, our "age norms" (idk what else to call it) are very different. And there are no divisions between ages in their world like we have with middle and high school. To me, two people are fit to be together based on their maturity, not their age. That's why 45 & 40 is not the same as 15 & 10, or 20 & 15. This is the same for Kataang. They have very similar life experiences and matured together, literally side by side, so a two year ago gap is irrelevant.

Second: "...Katara took on a very maternal role with Aang. Sure, she’s a caretaker and sort of a “mom friend,” but it’s a bit more than that. She served as his literal guardian during the show’s run—there’s just no other way to look at it. By the third episode, she called herself his “family,” and later even went on to role play as his mother to get him out of trouble at school. Aang, meanwhile, was… Well, I wouldn’t say “immature” for his age, […] However, Katara is 14 going on 25, while Aang is just, Aang."

There's a compilation of Katara doing thing with Aang that if someone saw a mother doing with her son they would call it incest:

Katara definitely acts motherly towards Aang, but that is just her nature. She is more than just motherly with him. And some people like to call the check kisses familial (which is kinda weird imo), but we know Katara herself doesnt think that:

"Easy there, big brother" She pushes Sokka away. Not to mention, this was about a scene or two before she kisses Aang on the check.

Calling someone close to you your family does not mean you see them in the same way you see your parents/siblings. And Sokka played Aang's father in that scene, but we aren't sitting here using that as evidence to call him Aang's paternal figure.

Something Aang haters forget (or chose to ignore) is that being lighthearted and goofy does not equal immature. Yes, Aang does some juvenile things, but that shouldn't take away from his growth and maturity.

Third: "In fact, in the last season, Katara was shown to be uncomfortable each time Aang kisses her, and even went as far as to tell him to back off with the romantic stuff in the episode before the finale, because she was confused about how she felt. [*new paragraph*] Yet, in the end, she just trots up and blushes at Aang, than happily makes out with him when he goes for it,"

Katara initiated 2/4 of the kataang kisses (not including the check kisses). The kiss in The Cave of Two Lovers and the kiss in the finale. Yes, she's the one that "goes for it" in the finale (she also initiates the hug). She only pulls away once out of the 3 times we see a kiss end (this would be excluding the kiss in The Cave of Two Lovers). She wasn't confused about her feelings, she didn't want to have to worry about a relationship when they were nearing the end of the war.

Fourth: "The post-canon comics only furthered the lack of exploration of her feelings in this relationship"

Fifth: "[referencing a scene in The Promise in which Katara is jealous of a fanclub being around Aang] "I'm sorry, this amazing, adult communication is blowing me away"

The are both still teenagers, who have zero previous relationship experience. Also, Aang had no ill intentions and Katara recognized it.

Sixth: [refencing Katara's role in The Legend of Korra] "Did Katara want to do anything other than sit in a healing hut and be known for having Aang's kids?"

This is another argument that just pisses me off. You can not use Katara's lifestyle in her 80s (she is 85 in s1) as judgement for her adulthood. It's purely assumption based. Constantly this author assumes that because she is in a relationship with Aang, Katara would drop her whole personality. What? Katara would not and could not be forced to do something or conform to some label and Aang wouldn't let it get to that point either. He would squash any idea that she is just "The Avatar's wife" or "The mother of the Avatar's children" the minute he heard it.

Seven: [comparing Katara's reaction to Aang The Desert to Aang's reaction to Katara in The Southern Raiders] "You'll spend a long time looking for her condescending tones. "Anger won't help, Aang," Katara never said, because she got that he was processing something painful and needed to sort it out himself. This difference in behavior is something that would be really fitting for a twelve year old boy to learn and understand. There's just no indication that he ever did."

Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I don't remember Aang being condescending towards Katara. He was offering his advice because he knew her and knew that she would regret doing what she thought was right when her judgement was clouded by anger. And guess what. He was right. He never forced anything on her, either. Sure, he was a bit more pushy than he could've been, but in the end he let her go on the trip with no complaints. He even agreed that this was something she had to do.

Eighth: [referencing The Ember Island Players] "When the actor says 'Wait! I thought you were the Avatar's girl', Aang agrees. Katara is his."

You know damn well Aang doesn't see Katara as just his. And she's give him PLENTY of reason to believe that his feelings are reciprocated (which they are).

Ninth: "It's the story of a woman who swallows everything lest the man she's interested in has to learn anything about his behavior that violates her boundaries."

Ha! You said she was interested in him.

But in all seriousness, you mentioned how Katara stood her ground and told Aang that she was confused, but apparently now she's swallowing her feeings.

Tenth: [talks about the cloud babies daddy issues]

I don't disagree with what is said here, for the most part, but I don't think it is a reflection on Aang and Katara's relationship.

Eleventh: "... given what what we got with Kataang, it's completely unsurprising that Aang and Katara's parenthood/adult life was defined by a lack of communication and availability, at least from what we can tell. This also puts Katara's choice to immediately moved to the South Pole once Aang died in perspective; perhaps the city he poured all his energy into, at the cost of his family, held some bitter memories."

Once again with the lack communication. We can't use the early years of their relationship to determine their whole relationship. Also, there wasn't consistently a lack of communication, you just pointed out one time and ran with it.

We don't know at what point Katara moved back to the South Pole, but there are plenty of reasons for Katara to leave Air Temple Island:

a) Her son moving in/or planning to move in with his family.

b) She was no longer needed in the city and thus had no need to stay.

c) She wanted to go back to her native home for comfort after the love of her life died at a relatively early age.

d) The next Avatar was discovered and she came home to train them.

That's all. Thank you for reading my unnecessary rant if you made it this far, and I just want to close out with a few things:

- There were some things in the article that I did not include for the fear of this becoming a novel of me repeating myself.

- I agree with most thing said in the final segment of the the article. Most, not all.

- I appreciate the author for not trying to shove Zutara in just because Kataang wasn't there. That is becoming increasingly uncommon, so it was nice to see.

#kataang #pro kataang #katara #aang #pro katara #pro aang #atla

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punkscowardschampions · 3 years

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Jac & Jude

Jac: I know this is probably weird Jac: or just an unwelcome sight, my name in your inbox Jac: but if/when you have some time to spare, I'd like to talk, if you're willing Jude: whatever you heard I didn't do it Jac: We could workshop that but no, that's not what it is Jude: 🗨 about what then? Jac: Um, if I've gotta summarize it in a message Jac: the past 2-ish years? Jude: bit late to start 🗨 now but if you wanna not be 🤐 Jac: That's okay if you want it that way now but I can offer you explanations, if you want that too Jude: 10/10 opener Jac: Thanks Jac: though if you're saying it's as believable as your 'I didn't do it' I take some offence Jude: ⚽️ 🏀 🏈 ⚾️ 🥎 🏐 🏉 in my court is top for novelty value alone Jude: power might go to my head 🤯 Jac: get your kicks where you can, honestly Jude: 😜✌ Jac: You'll let me know then? Jude: [lowkey ages later] Jude: 🗨 if you still wanna Jac: Okay Jac: I appreciate it, hopefully you will too Jac: that's all I want really, so, obviously I'm the one that owes you whatever you need to hear but if you wanna give me an indication of where to start, it might be easier for us both Jude: idk where it even started Jac: for me, I'd say when I started to be friends with Savannah, at the start of transition year, and it really got real at the end of that year Jac: but maybe before I was slacking too, that's definitely possible Jude: it ain't a job Jac: no, I meant that it is work though, maintaining good relationships and being a decent sister, work that I wasn't putting in Jude: I've always been hard work for you, soz like Jac: It certainly wasn't your fault Jac: or what I was trying to allude to Jude: 🗨 or not goes both ways Jac: Okay, you can think that, you don't have a lot to suggest otherwise, I see that Jude: you talk to Jess cos he does your head in less than me, since forever Jac: In general, me and Jess have more in common than we do, I think Jac: but I didn't talk to him for the whole first year either, and I only did at all in the second because he did me a favour in a way I couldn't Jac: but I might have to go back to explain that in a less vague way Jude: go where you wanna, it's your 📖 Jude: I'm 👂 Jac: I'm not telling it for me Jac: but alright, I'll just do it Jac: so, Amelia was in love with me, it wasn't reciprocated, and she couldn't be my friend any longer, I lost her Jac: then what happened to Isabelle happened and I lost her Jac: and also Savannah at the same time Jac: and what happened to Is fucked me up, as well as the shit people were saying about it, about me around it Jac: it all got on top of me, I didn't cope with it, I took that out on a lot of people, you were one of them Jude: nowt I don't already know Jac: Right Jac: well I didn't know you knew that, so I felt I should tell you Jude: everyone knows about the 😍💖 Jude: I missed Sienna too & there's no way what happened to Izzy wouldn't fuck you up Jac: okay Jac: well it was rough, for a time there, and I didn't really have anyone to help me deal so I did some bad and stupid shit that didn't just affect me Jude: yeah Jac: and I'm sorry about that Jac: for however that affected you, at all Jude: alright Jac: and I only talked to Jesse because something really bad happened and he was there so I had no choice, really Jude: what was it? Jac: I don't wanna make you feel bad Jac: just to say how bad it was, like I'm being dramatic or whatever Jude: you can't just drop that something really bad happened & then not tell me ?? Jac: I had to have an abortion Jude: fuck Jac: I know that's a lot Jude: idk what to say Jac: You don't have to say anything Jude: ??! Jude: yeah I do, we can't just leave that there Jac: You don't have to like, try to make me feel better though Jac: I can talk more Jac: it was last christmas time Jac: and yeah Jac: it was the hardest thing I'll probably ever have to do Jude: Christmas Jac: yeah, great timing, right Jude: who was it? do I know him? Jac: no, it was some guy at some party, complete accident Jude: I'm never hooking up with anyone ever Jac: I wasn't being as careful as I could've been Jac: I was on the pill, I am, but I was sick so Jude: if it happened to you, it could definitely happen to me Jac: no, I wasn't being safe at all, I wasn't like me Jac: you wouldn't do that Jac: not like you shouldn't be careful yourself, of course, but I'm not trying to fear monger Jude: why? Jac: because I didn't feel well Jac: or like protecting myself from bad stuff Jac: but it was a wake-up call Jude: are you better now or what? Jac: I'm trying to be Jac: I wasn't trying at all back then Jac: but I am now, and part of that is reaching out, so you really can ask anything Jac: if you want to Jude: I don't think you should go if you're not Jac: I think University will be good for me Jac: I have stopped doing a lot of the things I was already, and I'm trying to do more things that I should again Jac: the fresh start, getting to do what I want to do, that's been keeping me going Jude: but it's really far away Jude: what if Jac: I don't want you to worry about me like that Jac: I'm not about living like that now Jac: if I had to stay here, I'm not saying I would go back, but leaving is a good thing Jude: you were though & you're not gonna have anyone to help you deal there, that's why you said it got bad before Jac: I still don't have friends here Jac: I have a better chance to make new ones when we're all new, you know Jac: but it was all the stuff that was too much that made it all happen Jude: it feels like a 🥉💡 Jac: Why? Jude: cos you said it was the only thing keeping you going so if it goes wrong Jac: but it's not going to go wrong Jac: you know academics have always been where I'm most comfortable Jude: yeah but Jac: I worked really hard for this, and I've always wanted it Jac: I can swap Universities, if I need to do that Jac: and I would, if things weren't working Jude: promise Jac: I promise Jac: I don't know how I'll reassure you on this, apart from getting there, and then checking in Jude: then do that Jac: I will Jude: okay Jac: I'm not going to go back there Jac: I want to be better, and that's half the battle, right Jude: true Jac: I have to get out of here Jac: you'll feel the same when your time comes too Jude: it's not bad for me here Jude: I get why you wanna leave & Jess has gotta for the ⭐dom but I'm all good Jac: you want to see the rest of the world too though Jac: not stay here forever Jude: I'm not gonna 👀 sod all from a lecture hall Jude: & a basic bitch gap year ain't no mood Jac: I'm gonna be in Edinburgh, a whole new city to explore and make home Jac: you have to go somewhere you wanna be Jac: and then you'll have good money to see enough of the world and not have to do it with pretentious gap year people slumming it in hostels Jude: I just don't know where I'd wanna be Jac: you still have time to figure that out Jude: but I won't have my pick like you Jude: not 🤓 enough Jac: you can still pick a city, lots of bigger places have lots of different Unis Jac: even if the Uni isn't like ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Jac: the place can be Jude: you're right, I've slummed it on loads of school trips & it's still been 🥇 Jac: and I'm not calling you stupid, you can get into wherever you wanna, with the work Jude: tah, don't be calling me thick 🤣 Jac: just so you can't call me out later, of course Jude: probs won't be going to Spain though I ain't getting any 🏆 in that class Jac: you usually get a year abroad if you want it Jac: still chance for some sun, sea and sand Jude: 😝 Jude: can't be tamed, the teacher'd be fuming to find out I'm in Barcelona loving the 🎨 Jac: you can fluff your first year Jac: get it out of your system 😏 Jude: yeah? Jude: I thought that was a rumour to 🎣 out dickheads Jac: I think if you totally tanked it, they might wanna get you gone Jac: but I don't know if they technically can Jude: watch me test it 😏 Jac: 🙄 Jac: 🤞 you change your mind in these interim years Jude: they'll be like oi you piss off & I'll be like nah mate!! 😜✌ Jac: 😂 Jac: good luck with that Jude: I've got this Jac: No doubt Jude: you can still have kids later if you want, can't you? Jac: It shouldn't have had any effect, like that Jac: I don't think losing a baby does, usually, unless it goes really badly and that didn't happen Jude: yeah, you're not Amelia's mum Jac: yeah, I'm clearly fertile Jac: so unless the karma is I'm not later Jude: thank god Jac: I don't know if I'll ever want to do it again Jude: idk if I want kids either but we might Jude: like ages from now Jac: yeah Jac: It was just a lot to go through Jude: did they knock you out to do it? Jude: that must've been scary Jac: I took the tablets Jac: did it at home Jude: here Jac: yeah Jude: shit Jac: I told Jess, so he stayed with me Jude: I'm glad Jude: he's the one I'd tell too Jac: Poor him Jude: I do tell him stuff, I'm sure he's gutted about it Jac: I just meant it's a bit rude of us to put it all on him Jac: I'm sure he isn't gutted Jude: yeah but he won't be around for it soon Jac: you can still talk to him Jude: nah, he'll be proper busy 🤠🎤🎵🎸 Jac: you can still blow his phone up Jac: he'll get back to you Jac: beside, you have friends too Jude: I can handle it, I've got mates, mum & dad & obvs me Jude: he's earned a break Jac: yeah Jac: no doubt he'll be grateful Jude: for sure Jac: 👍 Jude: I mean from me, not you Jac: no, I know what you mean Jac: I've put him through enough Jude: nah, I have Jude: you were really going through something Jac: Are you okay? Jude: yeah Jac: Good Jac: like you said, you can handle it Jac: not going to start demanding you tell me things Jude: it was just a weird time Jude: is Jac: yeah Jac: I know Jude: I didn't know what to do & like I always know about myself Jude: things ain't usually confusing Jac: I'm sorry Jac: for making shit harder for you, you didn't need that Jac: a lot of it was too painful to talk about Jac: like, I couldn't Jude: & you don't have to, not to make me feel better Jac: I wasn't intending to make you feel shit Jac: but I also didn't do anything to go out of my way to do the opposite either Jude: you made loads of people feel shit, I'm not special Jude: or probs even top 5 Jac: I did Jac: it was easier Jac: than questions and concern Jac: for me though Jac: not you lot Jude: you can't be selfless all the time Jude: everyone's a selfish dickhead when they're 💔 Jac: I didn't have to be quite so selfish Jac: that's a lie, I did feel like I had to at the time, or I wouldn't have done it Jac: but that doesn't excuse it as alright Jude: it wasn't alright Jude: but none of us are saying it is Jac: it means you get to react how you wanna now Jac: even if that ain't alright either Jude: bit late to 🥊 Jac: you could try it Jac: you needn't think I'm just gonna take it though Jude: I got my own room out of it, if I do a OTT 🚪 slam you'll get the point Jac: you get your own room regardless now Jude: & this time I can actually chuck your shit out without mum or dad having a go at me Jac: if you want Jude: it'll be gone soon as you have 👋 Jac: that's fine Jac: I have the things I need Jude: I won't ask you to help me start the wall mural as a bonding activity, you're alright Jac: would be counterproductive Jude: yeah you'd only fuck up my artistic vision Jac: naturally Jude: if Amelia weren't so in love with you she might've bothered to teach you how to 🖌🎨 instead of being convinced you were 10/10 as you were Jac: I'd hate to steal your thunder Jude: the competition'd be a right laugh Jude: I wouldn't mind it Jude: how you get better anyway Jac: It's one way Jac: I've always been peerless so I wouldn't know but Jude: 🙄😏 Jude: when Sav left, she gave you a 🏃 for your 💰 before that Jude: 🤓🥇🏆 Jac: True Jude: I wonder where she's going Jac: Bath, probably Jac: unless she changed her plans Jac: or got into Oxbridge Jude: that 1st bit don't sound like something she'd do Jude: maybe her Catholic school was top notch though Jac: I doubt her dad was going to risk sending to another shithole Jude: I don't get why he sent her away at all Jude: there's gonna be lads like that at parties a few hours from here just the same Jac: Yeah well, it was a convenient excuse for what he probably wanted to do anyhow Jac: and I doubt she was allowed to go to many parties after that, wherever she was Jude: he's a twat for not caring what Sav & Sienna want, I wouldn't let him tell me nowt Jac: you wouldn't have much choice Jude: 😬 Jac: clearly their mum didn't argue loads for them to stay so Jac: that's that Jude: yeah but he could've stayed closer & still had them live with him Jac: well there's no point pretending he isn't a twat, for the sake of this convo Jac: maybe he had a job offer, I don't know Jude: 🤷🏼 Jac: anyway Jude: ?? Jac: I don't know Jac: is there anything else you wanna know Jude: does it get any worse? Jac: no, that's the worst Jude: then you can tell me if there's anything else Jac: I mean, it wasn't so much what I was doing or did Jac: you know the rest, the drinking and partying and obviously the sex Jude: it was a bit hard to miss Jac: yeah Jac: it was what it was Jude: I don't blame you for wanting to go, you won't get a fresh start here after what all that was Jude: you were my sister before far as the 🗨 went now I'm yours Jac: well, I want to go anyway, always have Jac: I don't care what people think Jude: good job none of us are that bothered, with Jess blowing up an' all Jac: you can't be responsible for what people say about anyone but yourself Jude: I know Jude: dunno if the other two have their heads round that yet though Jac: well I'm sorry for what people might think or say about you because of me Jac: we're all going to have to make changes, because of Jess' lifestyle now Jude: there ain't no might about it, they do 💭 & 🗨 Jac: then I'm sorry Jude: don't bother being, it don't matter if you are & people have always 🗨 bollocks Jude: if it ain't you it's Jess or mum being a model, whatever else there is Jac: well I still am Jude: I can't change your 🧠 Jac: just because people talk, doesn't mean I have to give them more to talk about Jude: you won't be, you'll have pissed off to do your psychology degree, getting to just be you somewhere else Jude: like I'll get to just be me if I go far enough away too Jac: Yeah, that's generally why people do it Jude: even if Jess gets well famous in the next couple of years, still a common enough last name Jude: I should be able to do my own thing Jac: exactly Jac: private profiles, the whole deal, it's just what you'll have to do Jude: not gonna wish he fucks it, that'd be a bit rude Jac: Of course not Jac: it doesn't mean it won't be hard Jac: people already know you're related, you've been at gigs and stuff Jude: something else I can handle Jac: doesn't mean you can't feel a type of way about it Jude: it's what he wants to do Jac: Yeah Jac: but how do you feel about it? Jude: idk nowt's really happened yet Jude: it might get weird Jac: Yeah Jac: I get you Jude: I don't wanna be famous & especially not just for being his little sister Jac: yeah, I'd hate that as well Jac: people speculating 'round here is bad enough Jude: but maybe it'll help with my 🎨 Jude: not being a total unknown Jac: maybe Jac: but you wanna know you earnt recognition for your ability, not who you're related to Jude: all I know is if people start asking for 📷 I'm gonna have to look 11/10 every day Jac: 🙄😂 Jude: even for school! oh my god that'll be knackering Jude: I'll have to get up early Jude: tah for that, Jess Jac: people at school already have loads of embarrassing pictures Jac: at least you'll know where they've come from Jude: my mates won't do that, so yeah I'll know WHO they've come from Jac: you never know Jac: it changes people Jac: and not just the person it happens to Jude: what so I've gotta keep my 👀 on everyone? UGH Jac: I'm not trying to be dramatic Jac: but you hear about it Jac: people selling you out, for their own fame or 💶 Jude: you're not wrong, I'm just not chuffed to have to walk on 🥚 Jude: be a right laugh that will Jude: but whatever I ain't gonna whinge to you Jude: that'd be a bigger pisstake after everything you've just said Jac: can't say I blame you Jac: you can talk about whatever you want Jude: to loads of other people, not you Jac: if that's how you want it Jac: not because you think you can't Jude: it's how it is, you've got a lot on Jac: You can still talk to me Jac: regardless Jude: changing the habit of a lifetime of you telling me to NOT, that's like another fresh start Jude: so nah, not really Jac: that is what I'm trying to do Jude: & I'm here for you if you want but I don't need it from you Jude: like I don't need Jess to rush back from gigging how we said earlier Jac: Alright Jac: that's how we'll go forth then Jude: 👍 Jac: See you later then Jude: 👌✌

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eroaneki · 5 years

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I always found it really fucking odd how Joe's bday is June 14th and Ryan's is June 15th. The two biggest guys to ever be involved in my life have birthdays a day apart from one another.

I still think about Ryan from time to time. Idk why because I'm 99% convinced at this point I meant little to nothing to him. Or maybe I did mean something and he just always knew I was on a much better path than he was and did me a favor by being a complete ass to me so I'd eventually hate him. He was the first guy I ever cared to try and figure out. Idk if it's true but the second night I ever spoke to him he told me how his dad died and had said "I've known people for literal years and have never told anyone that."

A large part of me makes me wanna believe it's BS. I have an actual feeling it is. He was the kind of person who was so desperate for love and affection that he threw it at anyone who'd offer it to him even if it meant sacrificing himself and whatever current relationship he had at the time. He was horrified of being left and replaced, so he'd do it before anyone had a chance to do it to him. He constantly betrayed everyone he considered dear to him before they had an opportunity to do it to him. He lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety and covered it up by being smooth talking and flirting his way out of situations. He was so interesting. I'd never met anyone quite like him. Aside from his catastrophic love life, he wasn't that bad of a person. We actually got along personality wise, but he had no idea how to treat another person romantically. He did assault me (technically sexually) and basically kept me fucking hidden the couple times I went to visit him, but I don't hate him for it at all. If anything I pity him, because he had a near identical fucked up father-figure situation.

I remember talking to him over the summers when we were kids and listening to him vent about his shitty stepdad being an abusive asshole to him. Supposedly his stepdad ran a lumber yard and Ryan would work there over the summers when school would let out. There was one night he was super frustrated by something that had happened and was talking about taking a shovel and bashing his stepdad to death with it as a way to escape his influence. I empathized because that was the peak of my father's abuse.

But Ryan was incredibly controlling and insecure. He almost bricked my phone because I wouldn't let him search through it to see if I was talking to other guys. He never proposed to me, but on more than a few occasions he'd move in and propose to girls as a means of assuring they'd never leave him. He also fucked with reproduction; hated condoms and I remember him telling me I wouldn't need plan b because he drank so much Mountain dew his sperm wouldn't be viable. He did take me to the store to get it though despite that.

He had so many problems and in a way I felt like I had to fix him. I blame that on being young and naive and not knowing any better, but my entire 7ish year interaction/relations with him taught me so much about respecting myself in love and never letting someone blindsided me ever again.

I'm often incredibly cold and distant to Joe due to this, but he's so used to me being "alone" he usually doesn't say anything about it. Lately he's been more vocal because he's pushing for us to get serious about saving up money together and moving out together within the next 1-2 years. He wants to open a bank account with me and such. And it's so... Foreign to me that someone wants to do that with me? I was usually always pushing to be closer to someone and not having it be reciprocated. For someone to actually want to do that is a bit overwhelming.

I don't wish Ryan bad. I kind of wonder what he's up to. Last I heard he moved to Florida and his grandpa wasn't doing too well. He loved his grandpa dearly; his grandfather was more like a father to him. I hope he's okay. Last I spoke to him I told him to lose my number and block me on everything as I would do the same. He got pissy that I got with Joe and wrote this passive aggressive text post about people using him as stepping stones in their lives. He didn't mention anyone exclusively but he mentioned one person motivating him to be a better person, which is one thing he'd always told me I did for him and I do still believe he was telling the truth in that. Supposedly one reason he went back to school was because of me. I mean a large part was for himself and his future, but I remember having a few conversations with him about college and what he might want to go back for. He'd also keep me updated on when he filled out applications and the schools he'd been accepted to, when he started, how his classes were, etc.

He lived and acted entirely out of fear of being hurt by those he cared about, because he cared way too much about everyone. He let everyone into his heart and let them in way too close and would suffocate the fuck out of it with abusive, manipulative, controlling behavior out of fear. I hope he's grown out of that by now. And I hope he's happy wherever he is, whatever it is he's doing.

I forgive him for all he's done, because he was fucked up. Did he hurt me, yes, multiple times. But he was young and fucked up and hardly knew himself. I hardly knew myself, too. So, I forgive him, and I wish him the best. I've struggled with shame regarding that entire aspect of my life, but I think I can finally get proper closure.

#personal #long text tw #long text post

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