#POTS go bad with all thie

[neuroticboyfriend]

tired and sick too much activity too many drug/med

#busy day busy day #too many meds take with al ohol #nadolol (beta blocked #Gabapentin (gabaergic like alcohol is) #seroquel (hellish neurolwptic v3ry strong) #didntt take tizanidine (muslce relaxant a 2 agonist #need take nightly seroquel eventually. #POTS go bad with all thie #felt good until come down #coming down feel bad just tired and sick #wanna take tizanidine calm down make sleep #but maybe make too much Cns depression #will just lay here and listen music #....be safe will be safe #julian rants #drunk posting #vent #drugs tw #alcohol tw

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

13.02.17

TW Having a really tough time.

This morning started off badly. 6am weigh in, a higher number. The thoughts screaming angry, vile words. Please stop. Stumbling back into bed, I fall half-heartedly asleep for another hour and a half until we were called for breakfast. A staff member came into my room, saying my meal plan hadn’t been filled out correctly, that wasn’t my fault and yet it seemed I got the blame. She was asking me what toast I wanted, I was still reeling from the weigh in, it was too much. Please no. I reluctantly settled for brown bread and peanut butter.

Breakfast time and I was being pushed to hurry since I had to wait for my medication, again not my fault. Silently I clenched my jaw, another 300 calories  to add on top of an already overwhelming meal plan. 

Why are you punishing me? 

I ate it with silent anger, knowing all too well the conseuqences in which would happen if I didn’t. “I DONT NEED ALL OF THIS” the one constant thought running throughout my mind. 

Time to see the consultant, and the usual question of how I am was asked, how do you answer. Too many thoughts running through my mind, too many to make sense of. I settled for saying I was fine. Bullshit. We both know I’m not, we both know I’m struggling, but then why ask? 

A conversation starter? A way to see if sectioning me the previous week had affected my trust in her? Or did she actually want to know, but if so, why? 

Once again I clenched my jaw, not quite trusting myself to say anything, yet alone whether it was me or the ED. She asked me why I had only gained 0.5kkg thie past week. Any weight is bad enough! I shrugged saying I do a little exercise, but it was nothing that would influence the slow weight gain, she agreed. It suddenly dauned on me that she thought I was purging/ hiding food. I said out loud “I’m not purging or hiding food if that’s what you’re thinking”... She said she wasn’t, that it may be because I’m taller and need more. Fuck that. It’s hard enough on what I’m on! I can’t cope as it is! I realised after I probably sounded rude/ defensive and now want to say sorry.

I had to go back up to the ward to get some notes/ have snack but was asked to come back after. I did, with the nurse from breakfast. The nurse went in ahead of me to talk to the consultant and I overheard her saying they hadn’t seen any evidence of a competition and thought I’d probably go horse riding with my friends. That wasn’t fair in the slightest of her to say that, all she had to do was ask to see evidence of it, and they wonder why I have trust isues! 

I left at that point and sat on the chair wondering why she couldn’t just ask me instead of assuming things, which ultimately were worse. The nurse came out and called me in where the consultant said she had spoken to the ward manager and the nurses but didn’t feel at this time I wasn’t ready to go on leave. I asked why, the nurse said I wasn’t following all of my meal plan, like not scraping out all the jam in pots... *are you fucking kidding me??!!* 

I’ve tried my damn hardest since being sectioned to follow it, ok I may not always eat scrape out every morsal of food, but is that not normal?! The consultant took over, kinder, saying that if I was struggling on the ward, at this time, it may be too much right now for me to cope with, plus my BMI was barely x. How that had anything to do with a few hours out is beyond me, especially considering lots of people are discharged at this kind of bmi!

I couldn’t say anthing so I stared into the floor as the consultant tried to get to tell me she was on my side, that she wanted me to reach the furthest point I possibly could for recovery and that I could trust her. I think she’s starting to realise just how much work I have to do if I have any hope of getting to that point. Perhaps it’s simply too much and and I’ll just become another statistic, best not get too attached. We agreed to meet at 12pm Friday. 

With that it was lunch time and another battle awaited me.

#personalposts #eating disorder #anorexia #fed up #struggling #angry #frustrated #depression #inpatient #consultant