#SepiaDiceRants

[sepiadice]

Art Direction of Tabletop RPGs

Dungeons and Dragons is good at being Dungeons and Dragons.

That shouldn't be a controversial opinion, and it's not worded as one, yet I have one friend who derisively labels it as a war game, and another friend who believes D&D is all you need in regards to TRPGs. These two are from distinct eras of my life, and have never met.[1]

My moderate view is such: Dungeons and Dragons is good. It's not the ultimate system, but if you want a western fantasy built on the framework of Tolkien, Fifth Edition is the way to go. You could use a different system, in theory, but no other system has the same reach and stability. Everyone knows D&D, which is valuable.

Its combat and mechanics are a good balance of grit and function, and it's mostly teachable. My friend's 'wargaming' derision is because he believes it doesn't support role-playing well. Something about the guy who wrote Dungeon World saying if it's not in the rules, it’s not in the game.[2] But I've always felt that D&D makes the right decision in not bogging it down with structure and dictating the 'correct' way to role-play.

However, if you want to do anything else (Sci-fi, non-european fantasy, superheroes, Slice of Life), best case scenario the seams will creak in the attempt. D&D is good at being D&D, and that's the limit.

I appreciate D&D. I'll play D&D, happily!

There's a reason I bristle when “DM” is used as the generic term.

That said, I've always had a sort of tonal disconnect when I play D&D, and it's because of the art.

Fair warning, what follows is a lot of personal interpretations and vague mumbling trying to relay a point. I’m not actually an authority on anything.

(Dungeons & Dragons owned by Wizard of the Coast . Image sourced from Wikipedia)

Dungeons and Dragons does not have pretty art. It’s technically well done, and far from ugly, but it’s not actually inspiring. Above we have the cover of the Player’s Handbook, the first thing most new players see. Setting aside that the focus of the cover art for what should be the book about Player Characters is a giant monster man[4], the cover is very orange. The actual people are composed of muted, neutral colors, and the background is vague and out of focus.

It’s not really conveying an air of fantastic worlds and larger-than-life characters (giant wearing a dragon skeleton aside). It coveys oppression, monotony, and “realism”.

(Pathfidner owned by Paizo. Image sourced from Wikipedia)

Pathfinder’s core rulebook, on the other hand, is colorful. Look at that big, bright dragon![5] Sensibly dressed Fighter Man’s brown clothes are still bright enough to pop him out from the green-grey dungeon background[6], and Fantastic Sorceress’s red dress is also bright and helps frame the Fighter as her hand glows with magic.

While both covers feature a woman with an orb of magic, D&D’s cover shows magic as contained and lighting a small space, while Pathfinder’s magic is big and trailing, hinting at movement.

Actually, D&D’s mage girl doesn’t have a cohesive movement. Is she falling from above? Jumping in from the left? Where is she going? It doesn’t really follow in a meaningful way.

Anyways: color. Yes, yes, I know the plague of brown and and muted tones is a much whined about criticism, and it might seem odd from someone calling himself SepiaDice, but neutral tones have their place; usually as background and supporting other colors to pop more.

Besides, Sepia has a noble history in film, the brown range isn’t a common image color, and Sepia is fun to say.[7]

Color choice is very important. Bright colors draw the eye and make visuals more distinctive. Bright colors also denote and bring energy to things. Dull colors are used for locations meant to be calm and sedate. If you want the characters and locations to seem fun and full of life, you fill it with bright colors.

Everything breaths, adventure can strike at anytime!

Dull colors, and it’s hibernation. People are around, but they don’t seem to enjoy it.

But let’s turn to the visual storytelling: what does each cover tell you about life in their setting?

D&D: lots of posing to look fancy, but there’s no real sense of energy. Jumpy Magerson’s weird Megaman hop has been mentioned, of course. The Giant has a look of dull surprise as he drops Jumpy Magerson,[8] as he holds a sword in the non-active hand. Foreground fencer man is wide open, holding his own foil up and away from where it might accidentally jab anyone. The locations is… orange? Looks like there might be lava geysers?

Patherfinder: A dragon roars at its enemies! Teeth bared, tongue coiled, tendons on display! Wings unfurled to make it seem larger! The fighter is yelling back at the dragon, his weapons mid-swing! Shoulder forwards to defend the rest of the body! The Sorceress is holding a firm stance as she casts a spell that crackles with arcane energy!

Pathfinder’s cover tells a story of epic combat, fizzly magic, and energy. D&D’s cover tells a story of two adventurers existing in a space also occupied by a giant.

Now, both of these systems have the same ancestry, as Pathfinder is an iteration on D&D 3.5.[9] But one sparks more joy when I look at it.

But let’s do another case study. I’ll need an audience volunteer, and my brother’s the only person immediately on hand.

I’m going to make him list three qualities of goblins real quick:

Green

Wimpy

Sneaky

Awesome. Don’t know if the green text translated, but those are what he wrote. Give him a hand!

So, with those three traits in mind, let’s look at a goblin picture from D&D Beyond:

(Owned by Wizards of the Coast. Source here)

Like, you can’t say D&D doesn’t call that a goblin, it’s literally on the goblin page.

This guy is yellow. He’s built like a four foot tall WWE Wrestler. He’s defending with his advancing arm as he rears up to smack ya!

(Okay, “Sneaky” is a hard one to argue.)

Moving on, what does Pathfinder call a Goblin:

(Owned by Paizo. Source here)

Look at this charming miscreant! Green. Big ole head. Good mix of of ugly and oddly adorable. Probably two feet tall, and happens to want your two feet, please, but you could step on him if you’d like.

He also looks like a Gremlin

(An adorable little chaos monster owned by Warner Brothers. Source)

Point is, Pathfinder’s more cartoony take on the classic monster feels more in the spirit of the thing. Every time I see one of those goofy faces, I feel like I’m in for an enjoyable time.

Bringing us back around to the point of this essay: the art direction of D&D bogs down my theater of the mind. The art in the rulebooks don’t inspire creativity or fantastic visions. It inspires… dull, lifeless people walking through dirt roads flanked by dead grass.

I don’t enjoy looking at D&D’s art. Relatedly, I don’t like looking at the art of Magic: the Gathering, whose style I can’t help by see in every D&D sourcebook cover I see. Neither game invokes an inviting world, but utilitarian ones that exist to give quick, forgettable visual flair to represent mechanical card effects.

To save making this long essay even longer and unfocused, I’ll save talk of actual ‘canon’ lore for another time.[10]

So why do I, a semi-professional funny man and sad dreamer who can’t actually draw, want to talk about rulebook art?

Well, I’ve always felt a disconnect when I play D&D. I make the characters, I roll the dice, I attempt to role-play, but I’ve always had an emotional gap between me and the character I’m playing. I like the concept, but when I use my theater of the mind, the character feels stiff and divorced from everything. Kind of like the 5th Edition rulebook.

Then I saw this:

(Source tweet. All of this artist’s work is great and I wish I could hire them.)

This half-elf showed up on my twitter timeline, and my first thought was ‘How come my characters don’t look like that?’

Soon followed by ‘Why couldn’t they?’

Then I completed the trilogy with ‘Why haven’t I imagined my characters in a style appealing to me?’

As I was deep into contemplating what sort of aesthetic I consider my “brand”,[11] it was entering a mind primed to start overanalyzing.

So, how do I imagine my characters? In the neighborhood of the D&D art, if I have  firm concept. Micah Krane always was mentally nebulous to me, just kinda being a generic half-elf dude. Trix (who was created for the brightly colored Pathfinder) is green-haired and wears a tail coat, but otherwise is also normal looking in my mind’s eye. In the last two D&D campaigns, Tybalt was also vague in appearance, and Teddi had Goat horns, but those were meant to stand out on a generic rogue character.[13]

But you know what I’ve never put on a character I’ve played? Glasses.

I hope that those who read my various media reviews[14] don’t need this overly explained, but I like glasses. I, myself, don’t wear glasses, but I find them to be great accessories in character design. Frames the eyes, come in a variety of shapes, adds bit of extra visual interest. I always point out Meganekkos and pay them extra attention.[15] I really, really like girls with glasses.

But I’ve never made one. Because there’s no cute design in D&D rulebooks. Just a range of handsome people to ugly halflings.[16]

That is the effect of art design in a system. It sets tone, expectations, and aesthetic for the players. It’s so ingrained that everytime I see art of players’ characters that break the standard, it always takes me aback. It’s inspiring to see artists who manage to divorce D&D the game from D&D the art.

I want to imagine fun, personally appealing characters. But the subtle direction of the insert art as I look through to rulebook, or the provided character portraits of D&D Beyond does not suggest things I like to see. It infects the mind, and leaves specific molds. People in practical, mundane clothes, walking down drab, uninteresting roads.

It’s the same lack of escapism that makes Western (Video Game) RPGs super unappealing to me.[17] Dark Souls, Elder Scrolls, Bioshock don’t look like fun places to be, they look tiring and full of splintery furniture waiting to do 1d4 nonlethal damage.

So I have to talk about anime now.

My mother was staying at my home a little while ago, and I turned on My Roommate is a Cat. This prompted her ask me about what about anime was appealing. I couldn’t form a competent answer for the question at the time, but it’s had time to churn in my head.

Anime is a good middle ground between cartoon and realism. It can broach deeper topics and more mature storytelling than children’s cartoons,[18] without sacrificing a light visual tone and fantastic imagery. Also, the fact that it’s produced by a non-American, non-European culture lends a degree of separation with cultural expectations and tropes. Enhances Escapism.

Luckily, in (very) recent years, after generations of exchanging video games and animation back and forth, Japanese Tabletop RPGs are starting to join in on the fun.

Which means I can look at Ryuutama.

(Image copied from DriveThruRPG. Brought over the pacific by Kotodama Heavy Industries. Buy this book.)

I love this system.

Watercolor art direction. Layout evokes a spellbook. Two Characters and a Dog take the focus on the cover, while the road signs and tiny shrine in the background invoke the emphasis on travel and wonder.

The interior art?

(Taken off the Ryuutama (english) website. Buy this book.)

Well, that makes the game just look like fun. Cartoony characters fighting cat goblins. Conflict, but it doesn’t make life feel like a constant struggle. A world I wish to inhabit. There’s also more detailed images of dragons and other world-establishing pictures mixed in to give the art range, but it’s this sort of charming that makes Ryuutama the first rulebook I actually sat and read cover to cover.[19] It’s a good system I already reviewed. Buy this PDF, maybe they’ll reprint the physical book.

Anyways, I’ll admit, the art’s a little too simple for D&D. Perfect for Ryuutama, and the end of the scale I want my mental image to be, but overshoots the sweet spot. And it’s difficult enough to find players for the much more popular 5e, so Ryuutama exclusivity would grind my playtime to zero.

Still, Ryuutama does a great job of setting it’s light, fantastic tone, where D&D has failed me. The art direction of the books, and years of exposure and defaulting to what I assume D&D should look for establishes a mental habit that’s hard to break. Wizards of the Coast has drowned nerd spaces with its particular kind of art, especially with MtG plastered all over hobby stores, deck boxes, dice, playmats, and even D&D sourcebooks.

That’s not even accounting for fanworks and the speculative fiction art in online spaces.

So what do I want to look like? Were I blessed with talent or with patient to actually learn to draw well, what would I be referencing?

What about what set my expectations of fantasy years before IndigoDice invited me to that fateful Traveller game?

(Screen cap of Tales of Vesperia grabbed from here.)

Well, okay, what I’m actually thinking about is Tales of Symphonia, but Vesperia’s graphics are kinda what nostalgia tells me Symphonia tooked like, as opposed to what it actually looks like.[20]

Look at that verdant town! Warm lighting, bright characters, leaves growing to depict life. A hotel built into a tree. This is a fantasy world that is unashamed about life thriving.

Forget solarpunk. This is my aesthetic.

As for the party members…

(Okay, Judith’s a little gratuitous, but The Definitive Edition lets me put her in a suit, and she’s awesome. Art stolen from here.)

Oddly enough, as far as JRPG outfits go, these are pretty tame with details.[21] Mostly bright, popping colors, even Yuri’s dark clothes are done in such a way to not feel grim and edgy, hints of personality, and I just enjoy looking at them.

The Tales series as a whole does a good job of taking European fantasy and applying Japanese whimsy to the design. Also yukatas. Every member looks like the hero of their own story, while still being part of a cohesive whole.

Which is, you know, the ideal way to operate as a TRPG party.

So, what’s the take away?

Artists, keep being creative. Pull inspiration in from things besides the rulebooks and Critical Role. Look at the other things you love and bring visual flare and whimsy to your art. Then share it. Ignite the passions of those of us who can’t do the draw-good thing.

Players, play with the tropes. I love doing it narratively and mechanically. My favorite rogue is still my neutral good stage magician who would never do a crime. Explore what’s possible in the freeform world of tabletop games, both in play and your Theater of the Mind.

Game designers, branch out with the art. And stop using Powered by the Apocalypse as a crutch.[22]

Hope this long ramble was enjoyable and cohesive. If you want more of this, my other works, and maybe to allow me to make an actual play podcast, consider supporting me through Patreon or Ko-fi.

Until next time, may your dice make things interesting.

[1] Though I would love to read a transcript of the two discussing it. It'd be a fun debate. [2] I don't like Powered by the Apocalypse for precisely this reason. Every actual play I've heard with the system has players talking about their characters in the abstract, because they're just pressing the buttons on their character sheet.[3] [3] I maybe should do a breakdown of PbtA one day. [4] Which is pretty poor direction. Do an epic group shot of characters battling a horde around them. [5] None of the D&D core books has a dragon on the cover. Come on, that should’ve been a gimme! [6] Similar note as footnote 5. [7] Also CornflowerBlueDice is too long to be catchy. [8] I figured it out! [9] I haven’t looked at at Pathfinder’s forthcoming second edition. Fifth Edition reclaimed it’s throne as The ubiquitous system after fourth lost its footing, so I don’t think there’s much point. [10] TL;DR: I ignore it. [11] Pulp Fantasy is too mundane. Steampunk is too victorian-y. Sci-fi fractals into so much. Solarpunk has appeal, but isn’t quite right.[12] [12] Haven’t really found the term. [13] Let’s not examine that I put more thought into female character design than male for the moment. [14] Which you should. Validate my efforts! [15] And desperately pray it’s considered innocent enough of a fetish that I don’t have to stop. [16] Never liked halflings. Gnomes are fine. Halflings, in art, have always been off-putting and malformed. [17] That and the emphasis of character customization kneecapping the Player Character’s narrative involvement. Can’t give them a personality if that’s the end user’s job! [18] Even Avatar: The Last Airbender felt like it had to sneak the narrative depth it achieved past corporate. [19] I do need to give it a reread, though. Relearn the system. [20] It still looks good, especially the environment, but the characters are kind of… leaning towards chibi. [21] This, specifically, is why I chose to highlight Vesperia over Rune Factory. [22] Technically nothing to do with this essay, but I can’t stress this point enough.

#SepiaDiceRants #ryuutama #Fifth Edition #Dungeons and Dragons #pathfinder #tales of vesperia

[sepiadice]

In defense of alignments

I avoid homebrew systems. I’m more than happy to sit down for homebrew settings, or accept any limitations you wish to introduce, but as soon as you begin tweaking with or adding mechanics, I’m out. Further, I will not touch your heartbreaker with my standard issue ten-foot pole.

Mostly because I prefer systems designed to be as intuitive as possible,[1] as simple and user friendly as possible, and so adding new mechanics, mostly only noted down for the GM’s eyes, so I don’t even have a standard issued reference book.[2]

Also, most of the time, the presented selling points are either:

Hey! I fixed the magic system![3] Hey! I fixed/got rid of the alignment system!

On that last point… well, fair play if you just ditched it. I personally like it, but plenty of systems function perfectly fine without it.

Still, the odd vitriol felt for alignments always confused me. It’s possibly a feeling grandfathered in by grognards and outdated GMing philosophies, which deserves to be challenged and considered.

I believe the biggest misunderstanding is simply thus:

Alignments are a starting point and basic reference for a character’s motives, not the be all end all of them.

Like introducing someone as a vegetarian, it just gives a general thrust of their personality, but they probably possess more depth than not liking meat.[4]

There’s a reason alignment is kept in the same box as Name, Race, and Class: they’re important to know, but it’s flexible trivia.

Yes, my character may be a rogue, but Trix has never stolen a thing. She’s a stage magician.

Alignment does have a few mechanical components, but such spells only tell you what team they’re generally on.

Besides, it’s always a super fun discussion topic to debate where characters fall on the chart.[5]

Just because a character is Lawful Good doesn’t necessarily mean they’re unmovable goody-goodies.

I mean, take Sam Vimes as an example. He’s a man that believes in Law, with a capital L, and is steadfast in bringing justice the proper way, even when other means are simpler. Yet he is rough and tumble, very suspicious of those around him, and believes, at all times, that deep down he is not a good person, despite every action showing otherwise. He is a Lawful Good Character that is conflicted and complex.

Heck, Even Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, a near textbook goody-goody, who resolves child gang conflicts by introducing them to football and a ridiculous scouting set up, still has a sense of cunning to him. He memorizes the law book, to the punctuation, and thus knows it well enough to exploit Exact Words.

The best advice I’ve heard about playing a paladin, the paragon of Lawful Good, is not to play them as men avoiding the breaking of their vows and falling. The best way to play a Paladin is with the knowledge that, as with apples and birds, even those with a higher purpose must someday descend. The question isn’t If they’ll fall, but When. The paladin must always be asking themselves ‘Is this the cause worthy of me sacrificing my powers and position?’

Maybe they’ll be lucky, and the answer is always no, and they reach their ends days as a paladin.

But they must always be ready to consider it. The final weapon in the Paladin’s arsenal.

AD&D instituted a vow of poverty on paladins not as a limitation, but to tell the player that, hey, your character can’t put their own glory and profit above the cause. They serve their god and the people, willing to sacrifice what’s necessary, including their very Paladinship.

Returning to the broad concept of alignments: with the right consideration, alignments don’t even limit a character’s narrative role.

One of literature’s most famous antagonists is arguably Lawful Good: Inspect Javert. ((the song “Stars” is an example of a wrong-thinking paladin, and is thus beautiful)) Heck, Javert could be played as a wrong-thinking paladin, and still be impressive. At least, based off my knowledge gleaned from the Movie and the 25th Anniversary concert of Le Mis.

Javert’s main belief is that law is the only path. Now, that may sound like Lawful Neutral (and I admit is a valid reading), but his solo, “Stars”, makes it very clear that Javert equates abiding the law with being a good and pious person. He doesn’t follow the law because there’s no other way, he champions the law because he views it as wholly good.

It’s why Javert takes Valjean as his nemesis. Valjean is a scofflaw, lies his way to power, and flees the law. A good man, Javert believes, wouldn’t do such things. It’s only after several chance encounters, over the course of years, maybe decades, for Valjean’s true nature to be crystal clear to Javert.[7]

Because, until their final encounter, Javert could always be suspicious. Always know that Valjean’s morally good acts must have some devious intentions. Valjean becomes a mayor for power. Adopts the daughter of a dead woman as a cover or to con money from people. He’s at the barricades because he’s an anarchist.

It’s only when, alone with one another, and Valjean being able to kill Javert without any possible repercussions, able to rid himself of the one man who knows Valjean’s history and will not cease hunting him when possible, that the truth becomes clear. With nothing to gain, and when it is tactically disadvantageous, Valjean spares Javert.

And Javert’s realization that law and goodness can be independent of one another shocks Javert so deeply, so thoroughly, that Javert can no longer bare to live. His Lawful Good alignment is so core to him, that he ceases once it breaks.[8]

Javert is solidly Lawful Good.

In Pratchett’s Night Watch, as it is subtly parodying Les Miserables, Sam Vimes is essentially cast broadly as Javert, taking only the barricade from Valjean. This is because, as a Lawful Good Character, Vimes can only don the boots of another Lawful Good character.

Comparing Javert and Vimes also showcases a nice bit of fidelity to the alignment system: how the character internally defines the terms, and how resolutely they hold it.

Javert believes Good comes from the Law. When the two are opposed, Javert’s rigid beliefs allow him to only crumble.

Vimes believes the Law serves the Good. When they are opposed, the Law must be redefined to support Good.

So, when building a character, maybe consider how an atypical alignment might feed into story roles.

Admittedly, it’s hard to make a Chaotic Evil hero. I can think of no perfect examples, with only Belkar Bitterleaf (who’s a supporting protagonist) coming close. Sure, they can be protagonists, moving the plot forword by their actions, which 8-Bit Theater showed us with Black Mage, but a protagonist is different than a hero.

A hero has to have admirable traits. It’s literally in the definition. It’s hard to admire someone who, by their alignment, is entirely selfish and focused on disorder.

Lawful Evil at least has a code of ethics, so with the right plot, they can be forced to do right if it suits their purpose. Even neutral evil can swing that way. Chaotic Evil might be locked out of the Hero badge. But I’d be happy to hear arguments against that idea.

Honestly, the only alignment I find restrictive is, ironically, Chaotic Neutral. Because that means you’re solidly dedicated to anarchy and so forth. Good for comedic characters, certainly, but not for much else. Even True Neutral can be moved into various positions based solely on the need for survival, but CN is bound by the need to justify their chaotic label.

Again, in a straight comedy, or a comedic bit character, that’s good. They can even be used to incite conflict. But it’s hard to tell a compelling, serial narrative without being forced by character growth to position the CN elsewhere.

So, for those of you who dislike D&D’s alignment system, that’s fine. Feel free to disregard it. It’ll leave no damage.

But I implore you. Don’t just put in a different alignment system. That’s just being petty. Either eschew it, or embrace it. And let those of us who like it have our fun.

Thank you for reading. If you want to see more content from me, please consider supporting my patreon. I’m intending to expand the scope of my tabletop output, and money would help that along immensely.

Until next time, may your dice make things interesting!

[1] See: my many snipes at (and one full essay about) my hatred of Shadowrun. [2] For those who want to snark about my love of GURPS: that’s a system whose necessary components fit in a 32-page document, and that’s still bogged down by overwritten text. Heck, it can be distilled down to a single sheet of paper. [3] Possibly an essay topic for another time. [4] Maybe that is the full extent of their personality, but I probably don’t want to be their friend. [5] Maybe if literature classes brought that aspect into analysis, I’d make fun of the subject a little less.[6] [6] Or maybe they’d find a tedious way to ruin it. [7] Javert’s delayed realization can be easily justified by the two figures having very rare direct interactions with one another. At least in the movie, the two just kinda bump into one another occasionally, and have to just deal. [8] The miniseries adaptation, by the way, modifies the sequence by having Valjean present for the suicide, then smiles as he walks away from the man who just drowned himself.[9] [9] That’s the only thing I saw of the miniseries, and it instantly murdered Valjean’s character. Dude, a man killed himself, stop looking so triumphant!

#SepiaDiceRants #d&d

[sepiadice]

#digimon #SepiaDiceRants #PleaseSupport

[sepiadice]

RPGs and Social Anxiety

I’ve never gamed nearly as much as I’ve wanted. I mean, I’ve been interested in the hobby since grade school when my older brother first mentioned GURPS to me, and I’d look through the revised third edition book he’d borrow from his friend, marvelling at the bits I could read, the interesting illustrations,[1] daydreaming about how fun the sessions would be. However, I didn’t have any friends interested enough to try with me, and it was like third grade so it’s not like we could even easily convene. Come middle school, and I’d traded[2] my friends out with others who were actually super against the idea of playing D&D either because it was “too nerdy” or because “it ripped off Tolkien.”

So I turned largely into a distant observer and daydreamer on the matter. I read whatever small bits I came across (including the ever relevant Dread Gazebo),[3] and eventually getting into Order of the Stick. However, as I wasn’t one to really explore message boards, I rarely found actual discussions about the hobby. It was a distant and ethereal thing that I so wanted, but could catch only merely glimpses of and hear hushed mythology related to it.

Of course, there were also a couple attempts by my brother to run GURPS and D&D3.5 (the library[4] had the books!), but those don’t quite count, you know? Never more than a single session, and at best it was only me and our young sister as players.

There were a couple online roleplays I participated in (of the ‘add to the story’ sort) but I never fully dug into it. Wasn’t really my sort of thing.

Anyways, eventually High School came, I again traded up to better friends[5] and then there was Shadowrun and Traveller and more Shadowrun, and finally AD&D and then Pathfinder. Those stories are more or less known.[6]

The point I actually want to focus on here is social anxiety and the difficulty to pursue your passions.

Yes, this is an angsty one! Haha!

Because, those High School days are gone now, and now I’m again stuck with a desire, but no where to turn despite of and because of myself.

Because I don’t make friends easy. It’s term I give very carefully, because I’ve always felt a little mismatched. As a young, church-going boy, kids my age liked basketball, and I thought it was boring. Tried soccer twice, but never really could commit to the physical tasks required. I’m not sporty.[7] Kids weren’t interested in what I was (make-believe), and thus didn’t like me. So I didn’t belong.

I had to attend Boy Scouts with basically the same group as we got older, which was terrible. The time my Dad spent pushing me to participate so he could live vicariously through me[8] was miserable. I hated the outdoors, I hated the boring lessons and activities we were forced to do,[9] and most of all I hated being around the basketball loving boys. I was never hesitant to tell my parents how little I wanted to do with scouting, but it took years until they let me stop.

Specifically, after I was finally dragged along to Scout Camp. It was terrible. No technology, one friend, no escape. And my Dad decided to sign me up for all the classes he could fit me in. Got woken up early to be shuffled off to one stupid class, then sent to another, then lunch, then another, and I’d hear from everyone else the fun things they got to do with their free time that I didn’t get to have. Archery was fun! But I only got to try it on one day, then never had an opening to get to the range to try more.

The worst thing, the absolutely worst thing, was my Dad instructed the other boys to start feigning interest in me. They pretended to listen to my hopes to play RPGs until, finally, the kid who liked to emotionally hurt people[10] took me aside to explain no one cares, my dad was making them listen. So I shut up about it and stopped bothering the others.

Which left with one aspect of myself as a person, above even a fear of social rejection: loathing of being an obligation. I hate being talked to because someone feels they have to, that they are required to make me feel “welcomed” or “included” or whatever. It’s insincere and degrading. I am a person, and if you’re not actually interested me as a person over me as being present, they I’d rather be ignored. So, I become very suspicious of and closed-off to strangers acting to friendly to me. Why are they being so forward? Do they want something from me? Do they feel like they have to be kind to me?

The next summer, my Dad tried to convince me to go again, offering not to sign me up for things against my will, but by then my Mom finally agreed that I could stop participating in scouts, so I refused to go back to Scout Camp.

This is basically why I gleefully mock Boy Scouts and similar programs. It was a horrible environment that caused me pain, so I wish to hurt it back.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I told you that tangent; I do so to illustrate a point: I’m trained to assume that, in general, people are not interested in me. My base assumption meeting anyone is a mixture of “They’re probably don’t share my interests” and “I’ll disappoint them,” plus some communication issues, and I find it very difficult to put myself out there.

However, why does this apply to RPGs? I mean, they’re playing an RPG, obviously they’re a massive nerd already, should be an easy divide to bridge!

Well, that’s where the concept of Bleed comes in. Role-playing is a form of artistic expression, and as such requires you to put a bit of your soul into it. It requires an amount of emotional openness and vulnerability to share. The deeper you entangle yourself with the work, the more of yourself you put into it.

Now, I’m not an inartistic person, as those who follow me about the internet should be able to attest. I even fling bits and pieces out to be judged by the internet! What am I even going on about?

Well, that’s just the thing. When I publish things online, it goes out to a faceless audience, the piece is in (essentially) a completed state that I am the sole contributor to, and I can distance myself.

Role-playing is a different beast. Because it is art in-process, built in front of and contributed to by the audience around you, and it’s happening now. It’s art that only works while your heart is wide open, so that flashing red bit can be hit to damage you.[11]

Which means I want to be with people I already trust, who’ve already seen me and have not rejected me. The idea of sitting down with strangers and saying “This is my character, who I put a part of myself into” and risking them rejecting it harshly is too much of a risk to bear. So, I don’t.

This is why I frown when I see advice of “Go to your local game store” or “post online” and so forth. I’m aware of those possibilities, but they are terrifying and impossible.

I mean, as a counterpoint, I am involved with an Improv Team.[12] A performance that is a similar act of live collaboration with others, that requires you to put yourself out there. Most of the people I didn’t know when I started, yet I persevered.

There are a few key differences. First of all, it’s comedic in tone, so my natural tendency to deflect and joke is already the desired result. Second, it has the rule of “Yes, and…” so whatever I provided is required to be accepted in some form, so I know there’s no wrong answer. Finally, and most importantly, everything done on stage is disposable. One bit didn’t work? That’s okay, it’ll be over in a minute, then it’s done and there’s no time to dwell as we go to the next scene. Continuity is out the window, and there’s no mistake that’s permanent.  So it’s an easy environment to carefully test the perimeter, offer a few bits of yourself and careful dosages, and get comfortable.

RPGs, however, you either enter with a character or a world, and that’s you for the ride. Every choice you make is permanent and risky in a way you don’t find on an improv stage. It’s a continuing story intertwined with the other people at the table, where a misstep messes up you, the others, and the long term story. If there’s any conflict in personality or plans, it doesn’t get swept aside soon. In a group you trust, this is great! It adds a new element of collaboration.

But strangers? Who you’re afraid will reject and emotional destroy you at any moment? I can’t bare to try.

Which why I have put LARP firmly in the ‘Not now nor ever’ category. Are the costumes, weapons, and stage fighting super duper cool? You bet! Is it a live, unscripted performance surrounded by strangers that lacks the distance and separation that a table provides.

So that’s why I try and rely on friends for gaming. Friends make a comfortable environment I can actually explore and build in. An environment I know I'm trusted in and more able to adapt with me if, for example, my schedule is excessively unreliable.

Why am I writing all this? I don’t know. Maybe to vent, maybe to self analyze, maybe because I hope to reach people who read those same ‘How do I find a group?’ articles and discussions, and find the same terrify tactics of ‘go out and play with strangers’ over and over again, knowing that it’s not going to happen.

You know, a candle in the dark to say ‘Hey! Me too buddy! I’m also scared! I’m not inviting you to my table, you scary stranger you, but you’re understood and not alone.’ Because tabletop RPGs is a social hobby favored by social rejects and nerds, so it can be inaccessible.

I don’t get to game nearly as much as I’d like. I just don’t have the people. And I don’t have a solution. And it’s lonely. Very lonely.

[1] The bunny express is a concept I still really want to use. And if I can get my current setting concept off the ground, I will. [2] Well, the process isn’t that cutthroat. I just tend to inherit friends. [3] Playing a session in a gazebo is on my bucket list. [4] Santa Clara County has an impressive library catalogue. Seriously helped me get my anime education. [5] One of whom I still talk to! Not my fault, though, life just gets in the way, sometimes. [6] Even if there’s still some that need to carried over here. [7] Correction: I actually love to fence. However, I learned it in an amazing enviroment, and cannot find another that fits my expectations. That’s a different story. [8] He moved around a lot as a kid, and so didn’t have the opportunity to climb the scout ranks. However, my brother became an eagle scout, so he could’ve backed off me. [9] Okay, nowadays, I wish I paid attention to knots more. Also maybe other stuff. But, eh, I can learn those things on my own time. [10] There’s always one. [11] This is where I would normally step back and mock this deranged imagery, but that’s a defensive tactic I’m always using, so… [12] Who I will not provide links to, because it’s a tiny school team without much presence, the existent recordings are awkward, and also I just don’t want to.

#SepiaDiceRants #dungeons and dragons #pathfinder #rpg #tabletop #rpg essay

[sepiadice]

Inspiration

Well, I’m still without a game to talk about, but I don’t really like leaving this blog sitting idle. So, let’s do something else in the meantime.

So let’s talk about the things that make me itch to play more than I do.

I’ve been listening to the One Shot Network’s productions a lot recently, which isn’t helping my hunger to game in the face of no time or people to do it with. Lot’s of neat systems shown off, interviews and theories discussed, and Campaign’s doing an amazing job of telling a continuous story. I admit, I was a little disappointed when I heard they were doing a Star Wars game, because I really wanted to see them construct a unique world, but even within this established canon, they are doing some great world building.

It’s something I really want to do. Would love to do an actual play project sometime. But that requires many more things than I have. Yet I keep thinking about the game I would run in the hypothetical scenario where: 1. I have players; 2. that would be willing to do it as performance; 3. and someone to edit for me, or a me that can get past voice related insecurities.

So that’s a thing.

I do itch to talk about this setting I’m developing, but I think it’d be more interesting discovered in gameplay than spelled out.

It’ll be done with GURPS, though. Because I like GURPS.

However, one major influence I’ve found is actually in the Spice & Wolf light novel series. I fell in love with the anime adaption, and since the full story obviously isn’t coming from there, I had to turn to the translated books.

The translation quality is… variable. Lot’s of passive voice, dialogue stilted at times. A lot of things are left very softly implied, but I don’t know if that’s a problem with the source writing issue or the translation.

What I find so fascinating is the world and scale of the story: it’s relatively low fantasy. In fact, what little magic does exist seems to be dying and fading away as The Church’s influence begins to consume the land. The minor gods are forced to find new jobs or die.

And we’re following a merchant taking one such minor god back to the homeland she abandoned so long ago. There’s no large war to save magic, there’s no dark lord to kill. It’s just two people who stumbled into each other’s lives searching for a home, and their adventures getting there. And the tone is this soft, bittersweet nostalgia. I’d love to run or play a game that portrays that feeling of simplicity. Where there is magic if you look for it, but it’s just a small detail in a world limited to the trade route you’re on.

I’ve always been interested in the stories of the typical “NPC” types. Sure, the big epic adventure through the magic realm is nice, but what about the people who live there? Not the dirty peasant who will someday learn his true destiny and take up a sword, whose days we see only for a chapter, but the guy who will be the same normal guy tomorrow as he was yesterday. Yes, there’s a large army serving the dark lord, but what about grunt #3[1] over there? Why’d he enlist? Does he believe in the cause, or does he just need a paycheck?

Obviously such low stakes would be a tough sell. Most people don’t game to be a peasant, they game to get the magic sword, smite evil, and live a grander life than they have been living.

So, that’s sort of the tone of the world I want to run. Where the mythology is downplayed, but still deeply entrenched. Obviously magic will be a bigger force than in Spice & Wolf, since I’m not mean enough to deprive my players of spellcasting. Should probably come up with a more unique flavor of the magic. Currently contemplating a mix of “Names have power” and RuneWriters.Spellcasting through writing.

I also tend to take some heavily influence from the Tales series of games when imagining fantasy worlds in the abstract. Particularly Symphonia and Abyss. I would love to have my players enter a place like Baticul, or do the subtle more prosperous nation versus less well-off nation the games do.

On the last draft of my campaign handout, I included a question to the effect of ‘On a scale of Dark Souls to Ghibli, how vibrant is the world’? Which I hope will be a good way to establish overall tone.[2]

Well… I think that’s all I’ve got to ramble about. Feel free to send me comments or questions. What things have been inspiring you recently?

[1] Wasn’t Finn great in Force Awakens? Can’t wait to see more of him. [2] Confused the guy I usually discuss these things with, but he tends to have a different sort of analysis style than I do, so he’s good metric for how clear I’m being.

#SepiaDiceRants #inspiration #RPG Essay