#after five long fuckinh years
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LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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#not to overshare but i watched this santa movie like a year or two ago w my sisters and#not to spoiler the nameless santa movie but key story element was his wife is dead and he's grieving ect ect#and santa is a lumberjack and he's always making toys and windchimes out of wood and he can hear his wife in the wind#some guy becomes unlikely friends w santa antics ensue whatever whatever santa origin story.#and like at the end of the movie santa after accumulating this entire found family w his apprentice and co he hears his wife in the wind#and he's like 'i hear you. it's time for me to join you'#and he walks off into nowhere following the wind never seen again didn't even TELL anyone#and it's ambiguous like if he died or not whatever bittersweet end for it all#AND I. I. I CRIED FOR LIKE AN HOUR. AFTER THIS. MAYBE TWO HOURS. THIS WAS NOT LONG AGO I'M IN MY 20S#EVEN NOW THINKING ABOUT IT I'M SO UPSET AND I CRIED TALKING ABOUT IT EARLIER AND I'M EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT AGAIN#A FUCKINH. GODDAMN FUCKING CHILDREN'S SANTA MOVIE#my sister (who watching this was her idea) FELT SO BAD LMFAO#i'm super normal about so many things.#anyways i. i don't think i'm going to be able to finish book 6 any time soon. if at all.#bruno just went out to grab a pack of cigarettes. for like five years. it's fine.#fe alfonse#sharena
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To Charles Xavier (X-x-x-avier, or Chars, or Cars, or just Francis)
May 22 2017, 1:05 pm
I am sure you think I am crying my eyes out right now but… I am. I mean, I wasn’t until I started writing. I am not making a fool of myself in public- as I said, I’m a strong independent mutant who doesn’t need no Charles Xavier. Why would I need you? You were just my companion, my— I think I’ll write you a text now. My old friend, I wanted to say. It’s true, by now we’ve been friends for long, as much as that means. Now I remember what I wanted to say- you were the highlight of these days. We could deny it but it’s evident we planned this just to spend time between me and you. Somewhere else, without messing everything up, for once, or at least trying not to. My children were so happy. I was so happy. We were so happy. I hope. But by your smile I think I managed to read your mind, if even for a moment. So thank you for this great adventure. I already miss it. I already miss you. Fuck it I put some of the greatest music on, you know? Me and Peter are listening to it now. I saw him crying before, he already misses his sister. I know she’s safe with you…and who can keep them apart anyway? Surely not us. (Why are you not replying to my text? I’m worried.) Anyway. I think the man next to me (us, consider Peter too) is spying on my text. Gross. But I’d rather make a chronicle of what’s happening than write how I feel. Isn’t that right? But since this holiday did manage to even out our differences quite a lot, that’s the thing. I feel like that time on the beach, you know when you know where and— I just hope we want the same thing now. (Which is REPLY to my text). No. I mean. To stay. That’s it, Charles, I’m staying. I’m gonna do what it takes. I’m gonna– OH YOU REPLIED. You asshole. You have 160 characters to use. “Are you sure I can’t convince you to stay?” What about you reply to everything I say????? You know what nevermind I’m gonna buy an ice cream parlor and live in it YES CHARLES I’m staying you will find me in your bed tonight before you can get there and you will fuckinh have to bother with that!!! (I am making sure Peter doesn’t read this) ok now I’m gonna reply to your text. Easy. Easy IT TOOK SEVEN MINUTES AND IT WAS JUST A MOVIE LINE DAMMIT CHARLES WHY AM I SO NERVOUS sorry for screaming DAMMIT I just want to go home lay down and wait for the next time I can hug you again. I don’t care if Mystique says this is so gay (Peter is laughing at this so I stole his glasses. At least he is smiley now.) You know it was just a super friendly kiss the one we gave each other right? Ha. Ha. We are not talking about this, I guess. And I am not gonna kill Moira. Maybe- no, for sure. And I think you know it, even without your powers. (Bitch I’m Madonna plays in the background) you know maybe I’m just writing this waiting for the time I can be with you again. It’s me, Peter, my hat and the creepy man beside me. All fine, all fine. I ended up reading his phone too, nothing interesting. Five minutes and I’m getting off to change train. (You stopped texting again- what did I do to you? Or is it Frank’s fault?) Maybe I should have used all of my 160 letters. I have so many for you, and yet you are the dictionary and I’m always speechless in front of you. My old friend, sometimes enemy, more often… more. (Peter stop it I am good!) Sigh. I’m calm. I’m calm. I changed train and everything. Fifteen minutes and I’ll be there. Peter says this train is too slow. I say I’m glad to say I’m sure I’ll meet you there soon. A new adventure is about to begin. Always by each other’s side, old friend. You did it. You convinced me to stay. It didn’t take your powers… I just needed and need you. Thank you for this amazing holiday. Thank you for this amazing time. (Well, you are amazing…Nessa?)
See you soon old friend.
P.s. I saw you, you’re mine, I took you. (Peter it’s a reference to a song!!!)
P.p.s: I’ll add here our daycheck. Now I’m finished, really. Thank….thank you.
Day 1- fight club with hardcore metal music in the background
Day 2- throwing up
Day 3- un dos tres! Un pasito bailante MARIA!
Day 4- we don’t talk about the bath (E: I found a bomb! It was cheap!)
Day 5- opera about jews (he was impressed). At night we both got drunk. He threw up again. (Because I pushed his stomach)
Day 6- movie night! And McDonald’s for a small army.
Day 7- don’t dead open inside (alarm at 3 “agneto calling”)
…thank you for making me drink again after a year, even if you ended up throwing up, instead of me. (If I end up addicted I know who to blame)
Thank you for making me walk in Venice carrying the biggest bag, with no clue of where we would go, to find out my idea of taking the ferry was actually the best one. (Also thank you for not letting us stop as San Marco and seeing said place get far from us when we had to drop off there. Since we’re not Jesus, how could we cross the river?)
Thank you for all the laughs, jokes, and all the times we passed in front of the restaurant you had dinner with Moira with. Also thank you for never forgetting to remind me that.
Thank you for pulling me in a McDonalds and running away after 20 minutes of making a cart. To sit. And talk about our future together.
Thank you for the “don’t cry” you told me in the end of this all. I walked into the station singing the smurfs. I got in the train and cried behind my sunglasses.
Also thank you for not shooting me, killing me, punching me and not putting stuff up my ass even if I kept threatening you I would do that.
I’m a very lucky man.
Good luck, Professor.
(So…fancy a game of online chess?)
#i wrote this after our holiday#if you ever happen to see it#cherik#slightly ooc but that's how I felt
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All!!
GOD BLESS YOUR SOUL1. you woke up naked to the last person you texted, what would you say?probably something along the lines of “sarah what the fuck”2. what’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?they asked me this! we are still very good friends3. if your bf or gf was into drugs, would you care?nah4. is your last name longer than six letters?it’s exactly six letters5. was your last kiss drunk or sober?sober, ive never been drunk6. have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?idk, i mean that girl i asked out earlier this month hardcore rejected me so i guess technically i messed it up by asking her bc we aren’t friends anymore but she was kind of a dick so i don’t care7. what does your last received text say?“ur bio on tumblr is my old bio but with there must be added and ur info and that’s amazing good taste lad”8. how many times have you kissed the last person u kissed?idk i didn’t count and the last one was over a year ago so it’s been a while 9. where was your last kiss at?idk i think it was ur house??10. when is the last time you saw your sister?like fifteen minutes ago11. what do you drink in the morning?usually water, sometimes juice12. where did you sleep last night?my bed13. do you think relationships are hard? i mean, i suppose so. everything is pretty hard, especially when it involves love. but isn’t it supposed to be? if there aren’t hard parts or struggles, then how are the good parts any good? this is not to say that abusive relationships are any at all good, if your partner is hurting you a lot, physically or emotionally, then it’s not worth the good parts. 14. if you could go back and change something in the past five months, would you?nah, my past five months have been alright. i don’t really regret anything i did.15. you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?how many times do i have to tell you we are good friends no there are no problems16. would you rather it be sunny or rainy?depends, i don’t want all sunny or all rainy. but i love summer rain, so17. do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?no, i do know people who’s first name are my middle name18. are you wearing jeans, sweatpants, or pajama pants?leggings and a skirt bitch19. do you think you will be in a relationship three years from now?god i hope so20. does anyone like you?i know for a fact that at least one person does21. have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?no, ive got multiple friends with s names though so which one of you wants to change that ;^)22. is the last person you kissed gay?oh you fuckinh bet23. is there a person you cannot stand?of course, donald trump24. have you ever considered getting a tattoo?of course! i actually do have a stick and poke25. in the past week have you cried?well this week just started, i did cry last week tho26. what breed was the last dog you saw?idk27. do you dry off in the shower or outside the shower?outside28. have you ever kissed a football player?nope29. do you think you’re old?im 14, so no30. do you like text messaging?yeah, its p cool31. what type of day are you having?alright, pretty gay32. have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?yeah, i def want piercings33. do you prefer warm or cold weather?i used to say cold, but warmer weather makes me so happy lately, it’s usually spring or summer when i fall hard for people so34. is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to youdan avidan35. would you prefer a relationship or a fling?relationship36. are you a simple or complicated person?i dont know37. what song are you listening to?when the day met the night by p!atd38. when you say you’re sorry do you mean it?yes39. is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?ah i’m confused about genders and stuff of my friends sometimes, ive got two really close friends, one is genderfluid so sometimes they’re a girl and they know pretty much everything about me, the other idk?? she calls herself a girl sometimes but i’m still unsure but she knows nearly everything40. what made you start liking the person you like now?idk. it really just kind of happened? i think it’s that they make me laugh, which is super important to me41. when did you last get a text message?maybe an hour ago??42. what is wrong with you right now?i’m afraid of my friends not liking me, not caring, fuckin it up :)43. how well do you know the last female you texted?GENDER IS CONFUSING SO IDK WHAT COUNTS AND WHAT DOESN’T44. does anyone disgust you?donald trump, mike pence45. would you date someone right now if they asked?depends46. are you in a good mood right now?i’m alright i guess47. who was the last person you talked to in person?my mom48. what color shirt are you wearing?navy blue kinda49. has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?don’t think so50. anyone you’re giving up on?nah51. do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?no no no52. have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?i once thought about giving up on a friendship, but couldn’t.53. do you like rain?no, i hate myself (i like the actual rain tho, especially in summer)54. do you care if your gf/bf drinks? so long as they aren’t getting hurt and it’s not unhealthy55. have you ever liked somebody and never told them?yep56. do you like to cuddle?YES, who wants to fucking cuddle i will give you forever love57. are you shy?i have social anxiety58. do you get along with girls?yes i love them59. have you dated the last person you texted?yes, actually because after the long time it took to answer all these the last person i texted is different from the last person i had texted when i started this. the last person i texted was the asker lol60. what do you carry with you at all times?my phone, chapstick, lipstick, and pads61. if you were paid 1 million dollars to spend one night in a supposed haunted house, would you?well i’m super paranoid and scared of the dark so i’d def need someone to come with me but for i million dollars, that so much money man so probably62. do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?yeah63. think back to october, were you in a relationship?no64. the person you like kissed you on the forehead, do you find this cute?YES FUCK ME UP65. did anything cute happen in the last week?person i have a crush on existed and they’re cute as hell so yes66. how old are the last three people you kissed?LOL IVE KISSED ONE PERSON they’re fifteen67. would you rather pay people to get your nails done or do them yourself?i always do them myself68. which do you like better, zebra print or leopard print?neither i don’t like animal print69(lol). do you have any stickers on your car?i don’t have a car, my mom’s has a bunch of bernie stickers tho70. would you rather listen to luke brian or lil wayne?yeah i don’t listen to either so no idea71. blackberry, andriod, or iphone?iphone72. when’s the last time you had a pizza from pizza hut?uhhhhh i was like 1173. do you like diet soda?never had it74. what color are the walls in your room?pink75. are you 16 or older?already said, i’m 14 so no76. do you watch pretty little liars?no77. do you have a job?nope78. what are your initials?REO (i haven’t written them out since my name change over a year ago, wild)79. did you ever have braces?no, i am missing an entire adult tooth tho80. are you from the south?nah81. what does your last status on facebook say?i don’t really use facebook, only for messaging and seeing drama club updates82. do you still talk to the first person you kissed? yeah did it today83. are you closer to your mom or dad?my dad died when i was eight so by default, my mom84. have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?nope85. what’s the last movie you saw in theaters?i think it was the ghostbusters reboot86. do you smoke?nah87. would you rather wear heels or flip flops?heels88. is your phone touch screen?yeah89. do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?i don’t have hair, my head is shaved. i used to wear it straight, but if i had time i would’ve curled it every morning (curly hair makes me weak tbh)90. have you ever snuck out of your house?nah91. would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?a pool92. have you ever made out in a car?i have kissed in a car, but it was not making out93. had sex in a car?never had sex anywhere94. are you single or in a relationship?single95. what were you doing last night at midnight?sleeping (wow me sleeping at a somewhat reasonable time?)96. when’s the last time you saw fireworks?probably on the fourth of july97. do you like the camera on your phone?it’s ok98. have you ever had a friend with benefits?if the benefit is their love then yes99. have you ever passed out from drinking?no100. are you friends with people on facebook you actually hate?i don’t really use facebook101. have you ever had a pregnancy scare?lol no i’ve never had sex102. name your fav kesha song:tik tok probably lol103. do you have any tan lines right now?it’s winter, no104. would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?i rarely wear shorts, let alone cowboy boots
tysm for asking!!!!
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In a way, if we are to assume that Rebecca really did just coldly block me outta fucking no where, then there’s a part of me that thinks she really is trying to just purposely create a “stalker” out of me. Now naturally I understand this will sound highly controversial but the fact is really plain: she ripped the rug out from underneath me so fuckinh randomly, and without ANY warning at all, after talking to me every day for hours for YEARS, that it’s like …if this isn’t the way someone would create a really angry and upset person, who feels horrifically betrayed and wrong, then what other fucking way is there?
For the truth of the matter is that I have absolutely never felt so absurdly betrayed before in my life. I mean, everyone gets betrayed from time to time, absolutely, but there is something different about this. I can’t stress that enough. There is something so different about this. For example, I had an ex girlfriend who cheated on me and humiliated me and left me more times than you can imagine …and up until this bullshit, I more or less thought that she had peaked the threshold of betrayal and what it would feel like. What has happened now though, if Rebecca really did just block me, is beyond that. It’s far beyond that , and the reason is because she did it so randomly, literally during a week when she had confided in me almosr more than ever, telling me we were best friends et cetera, more than ever. It just feels like she purposely grabbed my hand and led me into this really comfortable, cozy, and beautifully safe place, where I thought I just had this really awesome cool friend, and then all of a sudden she just fucking pulled a black bag down over my head and started to suffocate me and kick the shit out of me with five insane fucking dudes. Like she literally just led me like an innocent lamb to slaughter. The entire thing feels like one huge almost years long massive set up in the making. But it’s just like….how in good fuck could anyone be THAT dementedly evil? I guess in a world like this it’s possible…but it don’t make it any less sad or crazy.
Never in my life was I taken by such surprise as this. Ever in my entire life. Every other time I’ve been betrayed there was always some sense it was coming, at least a minor sense of it. There was always some slight smell of it in the air. Take a situation where you think one of your friends might start trying to pursue your girlfriend. That sort of thing was always ridiculously easy to see comin. In fact it was so easy to see coming that you’d often just sort of blatantly assume any random guy friend, no matter how good of a friend, might have it in him to do it. So when it happens you flip out, naturally, but you’re almost not really surprised. You always sorta have the guard up …one eye peeled. With relationships, even with a marriage I think, it’s just that way. The person is always in some danger of leaving you. Screwing you over. Cheating on you. So when it happens you oftentime only feel a hurt so deeply – unless of course you’re a naive fool who seriously never even envisioned it.
A friendship though? It’s like I can’t wrap my mind around it. With a friendship I guess I am naive! I never expected this with a friendship! I never had the guard up, never kept the eye peeled, never even slightly fuckin prepared. Because…What is even the sense of betraying a friend like this? Of just abandoning me and leaving me in the dust like this? What in fuck is even the sense of it? It doesn’t make any sense to me … AT ALL. What satisfaction does one get abandoning a friend with whom they were not fighting? What reward?
Which is why the only way to describe it is as I said: she is , so it seems, purposely trying to ignite the sort of fire that her baby daddies seem to have for her – cept she’s doing it with me. The thought really hasn’t left me for the entire week this has gone on now. She’s trying to turn our friendship and our “love” and our connection, whatever it was, into something just as firey and out of control as what she has with those fucking imbeciles. Is it working? From a certain angle, it absolutrly is: never in my entire experience with Rebecca now have I felt as impassioned about her as I do now. The style in which she ripped herself out so randomly has absolutrly started a “fire” of passion inside me, one I haven’t felt in a decade now. She’s been on my mind easentially 24:7 for a week now. I haven’t obsessed over anyone this much in years…
But the issue is ..like…who the fuck even wants to feel this way? If she thinks this is what love is I just think she’s wrong, I guess. I don’t agree with this. I think this emotion feels shitty. I think it almost even, as alive as it is, it almost feels sort of “dead”. I don’t know how to describe it really, I think it’s just that it’s too wrapped up with suspicion, and betrayal, anger and hate to be a real loving emotion. The love has all been burned out of it. What we had before was better, but not for her I guess, because she has now become completely accustomed to these psychotic dudes who bang on the doors at 2am, who start choking her if she says she doesn’t wanna see them, who barge into the house and practically rape the hell out of her, as she’s probably in tears, the moment they want her back. I just can’t operate like that. Do I understand the almost pornographic sex appeal of it? Sure. I guess. And I know she likes that sort of sex, because she essentislly admitted it….
But I also understand why someone would wanna shoot dope and smoke crack…and I ain’t fuckinf doing that! I just…it’s so sad. To see that she really is this dark. Before I knew she had a definite darkness but it was as though she had some semblance of control over it. I knew she was into that sort of extreme “rape sex” bullshit and it kinda weirded me out but I tried to …understand it?
Now though I look at it and I am just seeing a real dark weird story. It’s almost as though it’s obvious now that she has perhaps lost touch with reality that badly throughout these years with these madmen. She’s lost touch with it so bad that she now thinks love isn’t real UNLESS it’s that sort of dead serious, screaming , banging on doors , angry pursuit , mad sex, is what is happening. She is wrong. Anyone who feels that this is what it has to be, in my view, is wrong. I mean, is there a part of me that just wants to hand mysef over to this emotion and this fire she so clearly (even, in my opinion, subconsciously) wants to ignite? Absolutrly. I want to run after her and chase her and start a hot pursuit. Like instinct. But then I stop and think: what kind of fucking rejected asshole needs this kind of “proof” anyways? If she really needs this sort of pursuit to “trust” that I have passion for her, she’s a fucking TOOL, and fuck her. And my idea is that she herself might be gradually growing angrier and angrier due to the way she has now seen my approach is nothing like these other dudes approach has ever been. I think she was expecting me to seriously flip out far more than I did. I think she was expecting 30 emails instead of just the two rather short ones I sent. I think she was expecting 100 texts and calls from random numbers rather than the five texts and 2 or 3 calls I made. I think she was expecting me to try and add her on that Instagram 40 times, etc. She thought I was gonna show up there by now banging on that door. I think shes sitting there unable to believe I haven’t, and I vasically think it’s making this weird dark evil part of her VERY mad. And as for the “good” part of her (which I’m sur is still partially there) I thin the good part of her is shocked…cause she’s literally never been wjth anyone normal, I now realize. I mean I know her relationship history like the back of my own hand. I know she’s never been pursued by any man in a non violent way. From 18-23 she was with the first psycho baby daddy (her first dude) and then from 23-now basically she’s been with this one. Two guys who basically endlessly stalked her, harassed her, publicly talked shit about her, violently pursued her, and randomly showed up at her residence every time she even tried to leave for a night. Two guys who definitry called 600 times apiece from different numbers. Two guys who probably, if they sent an email, didn’t even bother to wait a single second before they were typing that she was a slut and a whore and a bitch for blocking them et cetera. Meanwhile I’ve sent what I’ve sent and none of it has been even slightly angry . Am I angry ? Fucking absolutely I am. But I ain’t gonna show it just like I ain’t gonna show up there flipping out….
Here, for example, is the last email I sent her, yesterday. Reading over it again now, I think it was such a good one that I need not bother writing another. The first one I sent was sorta half assed. Didn’t like it much. I wasn’t angry in it but I was, I dunno, a little more full of emotion. The second one I really nailed how I felt, and when I look at it from this perspective of “she’s expecting a madman”, it’s just hilarious to read what I wrote . She’s prolly sitting there unable to fathom how polite I’m still being— even as i sit here thinking she’s prolly just betrayed the living fuck out of me:
Rebecca, can you please just contact me to let me know you’re alive and well? We never have to talk again, it’s OKAY! I just want to know you’re ok, and not hurt. Please. I have moved on past many people, I told you that before , I’ll be perfectly fine. I’m not going to get angry like you might be accustomed to with Jim, et cetera. I’m ok. I just need to know you’re okay, cause right now I can’t really know for sure…it’s so out of character and ridiculous that it seems you may have actually been hurt and that I’ve been wrong to just automatically assume you’re blocking me. Please. Just let me know you’re ok and you will never hear from me again.
P.s. A song for thee just to show I am really thinking of you Rebecca!!! : (YouTube link to a private video just for her, me playing a song i wrote on piano)
Please just let me out of this worry / fear box. It’s terrible to be sitting here thinking I might just be misreading all of tis and that something horrific has actually befallen you . I need to know Rebecca. It’s ok. I’m …I’m really scared, but I’m ready, if it’s something extreme. Or. Like I said, you can just let me know you’re there, and not say anything further. I’m just, like, I can’t even think straight, because I have no idea what this all means. I can’t stress enough: if this really all is just a blocking and cutting out of your life, and you’re not sick or something, I’m okay with it. I understand . I often talked too much and prolly you were overwhelmed . It’s alright Rebecca! I’ll leave you alone forever. I just need to know you’re ok!!
If there was another way to find out, I would use that way and not contact you!!! But we don’t have anyone in common except Jim, and quite frankly, I don’t really want to contact him — cus, considering his arrest just a few days before your random vanishing , I have a strong feeling he has something to do with this. Please just let me know. I’m begging you. It’s ok to say goodbye. Don’t feel bad. Just let me out of this box of total fear and mystery!!!!
See now though I feel I’m entering into a sort of hot box territory, now that we are heading into the second week and all. Like I feel that , going through the first week without getting angry and calling 100 times was definitely probsbly shocking to her — but she thinks I’m gonna lose patience soon. In my head she’s just sitting there grinning and twiddling her thumbs in a way thinking to hersef that, ok, he didn’t lose patience and go mad this week, hmm…but next week he will, he absolutely will. So I feel now I’m coming to a big challenge , cus I do feel like my patience is seriously running thin, and I do feel like I just want to find out IMMEDIATELY what the fuck is going on— but I can’t fuckin let myself. This girl needs to learn her fucking lesson just like I wrote Jeanie did. I know for a fact that I burned the ever sweet living shit out of Jeanie the final time she betrayed me (and remember I saw those old betrayals coming rverytime). But Jeanie was similar wiyh this sickness: The final time she betrayed me she thought it was all still a joke and that I would go crazier than ever before to pursue her. Instesd I told her I would never talk to her again, and I didn’t, not for almost 5 and ½ years until she came to see me ! And before that she tried numerous times, after about 7 months was up, to add me on facebook, send me messages, et cetera. She had been expecting a hot firey pursuit and I just went deathly cold. Well, with Rebecca it all evens far more heightened than that, due again to the randomness and also her very very singular focus .
See that’s the thing that I feel the reader of all of this might not understand: Rebecca isn’t really the sort of person who could have any reason *besides* the evil reason I’m listing, to cut someone off, because she is that kind of person who it seems never lets people go and who focuses VERY heavy on them. She is not someone with many friends. She doesn’t have 4 other people she can talk to about all of this. She doesn’t even really have one person! Jeanie always had a milion people to go run off of and stay occupied with when she would “betray” me and fuvk me over. Rebecca has nobody, literally nobody, and unless she magically found a way to meet all new people over night in that isolated dead quiet town of hers, she still has nobody. Hence I know she’s sitting there an she’s absolutely GOT TO be feeling at least something similar to what I’m feeling now. She’s absolutely got to be feeling my absence. If she isn’t she literally isn’t human. And long story short but this is more or less why im so convinced that there are really only two real reasons for this bullshit. She’s sither purposely trying to start some insanely jealous, angry “love” fire, or she’s just actually sick or hurt or destroyed in some way. There’s no fucking in between here. I’m positive of it. She’s a sick twisted completely damaged WOMAN who thinks this sort of angry betrayal shit is love….
In the end I guess I should have known really, that she would ultimately wind up trying to do something to me like this, but since I was never her boyfriend I suppose I felt I would be “exempt” from it. Then of course she sorta came onto me and I came onto her so I guess now she almost, like, *immediately* reverted to this weirdo approach— which is really the craziest part of all. Like we literally only passed a few very light hearted jokes about “feelings”, we never even spoke of them in reality …we never kissed, slept together, never even hugged her /– but it was like she resorted to this the MOMENT she realized I maybe had “some ” feelings for her. As though the very second she saw there was even a single little spark lying around she grabbed it and tried to ignite this huge enormous fire. And of course what I think is so weird is how it took until this now for me to see just how severely damaged and fuckdd up she is. I didn’t , even after everything she told me, I don’t think I ever really saw her as being that fuckdd up or unhealthy or anything. I somehow took in all these extreme stories about her and her insanely abusive relationships and her weird rape sex fetish and somehow never saw her as being demented. I just saw it as sad. Now I’m really seeing it as demented because she’s applying it to me. She wants me to play in it. Do you sorta get what I mean???
There’s also the interesting fact that I think she’s sort of learning and finally realizing – because of my somewhat “silent” and “quiet” approach to this — that her baby daddies and their violent mad pursuit was actually a sign of a severe weakness, in a way. I really just can’t stop focusing on that. I think she always interpreted what they did as a manly sort of strength and now maybe — just maybe– she’s aeeing that they were just weak idiots with no fucking will power (hence they also have these huge drug problems). They have next to no control over their emotions. They don’t know how to handle shit. So they just snap and pour everything out …into reality..screaming it . Meanwhile I’m sitting here just calmly scribbling about it in a notebook to the Internet. Totally different approach. I get angry but Rebecca never hears of it. She doesn’t get the privilege to see it. Only the notebook does. And how badly I know she wants the pleasure to see it. It’s all she wants!!!!
I must not give it to her. I must as of today vow to now not send her literally anything else. When the week began I swore I’d send nothing. Naturally I had to try a little. Well, I tried. Now the time for that has come to an end. Now it’s time for total silence. She cut me off; I shall now cut her off in just the same way. Or …I hope I will anyways . I think I’ll be able to make it. Yes….. I MUST. It’s the only real good strong card I got left to play. Fuck her and fuck her dumb game of pursuit. Fuck it right to the darkest depths of hell. I ain’t playing it /…./.
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