#also this isnt meant as a like. Woke Post to Blow Up

[surlifen]

i dont waste energy hating closed species And You Can Too!

alright you asked for it

Claim 1: “Closed species limit creativity in the art community by locking off certain concepts.”

No, they don’t. If you believe that, then you also must believe that copyrighting in general-- or just generally the fact that making a design exactly like someone else’s is viewed as kind of wack-- are stifling creativity. Why? It’s easy to accidentally make a concept that is similar to someone else’s, because there are literally just not that many Things That Exist. There will ALWAYS be repeats. Generally, if a design coincidentally looks like another, there will be a mixture of backlash from people who believe it was an intentional ripoff, and total acceptance from people who understand that it was an accident. Ultimately, the correct way to live is to understand that 1) these coincidences can happen and should not be punished, but 2) intentionally ripping off someone else’s work is wrong. It isn’t black and white, you must process 2 or more concepts at once.

Species owners understand this. I have never seen a species owner come after someone for accidentally making something similar or inspired. This is a myth. Species owners are busy as fuck, generally Normal People, and simply do not have the time or energy or desire to moderate things outside their community. Please talk to literally any of them for more than two minutes and you will discover this. Every species owner I have met is friendly and kind and I’ll go into detail on exactly how bullshit this stereotype of them chasing people down for similarities is later.

So, given that some randos will get upset and harass people over harmless inspiration/coincidence but most will not in ALL cases of accidental over-similarity: this is NOT a species-specific problem and happens just as often--if not MORE often, because of how much people fucking despise closed species-- with non-closed-species characters.

Secondly, species owners do not create a closed species with the goal of closing off a concept from use. They do it to create a community they can manage and share a concept they have created. 

Take the world of Nephfei, created by the artist Queijac. The closed species of Nephfei are called Spinxyn, and they are very much sphinxes. They are not a brand-new concept Jac is claiming to have come up with, they are intentional and very direct references to sphinxes. What sets them apart is their species LORE, WORLD, and COMMUNITY.

[image ID: a screenshot of the Spinxyn species guide on deviantart, created by queijac. Text reads “IMPORTANT NOTE: Spinxyn are a species OF sphinx. Yes, they are sphinx, and yes of course anyone can make sphinx characters and designs using similar appearances! I claim no ownership over design aspects! Spinxyn as a CS community, however, which offers social art related activities, world building, themed events, etc., to use the characters in, simply relates to my own PERSONAL WORK and how i want to enrich peoples experiences with it! Please understand this, thank you!!!”]

This species is not closed so that Jac can copyright the idea of a sphinx. It is closed so that Jac has some control over the world and lore they have created. Were anyone able to create a Spinxyn without an approval process, not only would the community become too large to manage too quickly, but all sorts of Spinxyn with aspects that don’t fit the lore would pop up. 

[Image ID: screenshot of a message from Queijac in the nephfei official public Discord server. Text reads: “theres just a total disconnect that 99% of ppl making closed species are making. a Group...... its about.... the community....... and building the community around One concept that someone makes and puts rules in place for so that they can actually. U kno. MANAGE THINGS... and make a cohesive group experience....... the reason CS have so much popularity is because they come with a community, not because theyre 100% unique never before seen or heard of concepts”]

Jac explicitly acknowledges that sphinxes do not belong to them and even says that borrowing some spinxyn-specific appearance details is okay!!! The ONLY thing off-limits here is a WORLD, COMMUNITY, and LORE.

Except it isn’t. Because Nephfei also hosts not one, not two, but THREE open species of intelligent beings, plus NINE official species of non-intelligent animals, so that anyone can participate.

Claim 2: Species owners harass and police people who make similar concepts.

I touched on this already re:species owners are busy as fuck & Jac openly encouraging people to make sphinx characters and even borrow spinxyn-specific traits, but this note from ground-lion/seel, the creator of Chimereons, really does it for me.

[Image ID: a DeviantArt note from ground-lion to me. Text reads “hello, thank you for showing me this! we don't actively do anything to police offbrands, since it causes more trouble than i think it's worth. i like to avoid drama wherever possible, and it seems like most people who participate in offbrands are just looking to press people's buttons so we can't/won't do anything to these people, i think it is best to just try and ignore it and move on.”]

Here you have the owner of one of the arguably most shit on and hated species saying outright “we don’t bother doing anything about intentional ripoffs”. For context, this WAS 100% intentional, I had noted ground-lion about a user I saw posting adoptables that were LABELED “offbrand chimereons” (so if anyone was hArAsSiNg PeOpLe oVeR SiMiLaR cOnCePtS here, it was me, calling attention to intentional and stated copying). 

Sidenote: I think it’s shitty to intentionally steal a concept. Ground-lion has also said there is no issue with making anthropomorphic chameleon characters, just that chimereons were inspired by a set of traits, a word, lore, a desire to create a community, and their own personal stylization of anthro chameleons. It’s fine to take inspiration from how someone else stylizes an animal, but the degree to which people do it-- just outright copying every aspect of Seel’s work-- rubs me the wrong way. Not enough to say anything because that is only my personal opinion and because I do not have time for that shit.

The Dainty mod team + owner (Pajuxi-Adopts) also have a section stating that to make a design no longer a Dainty, all that’s needed are the following changes: 

[image ID: screenshot of Dainty species ToS. Text reads “ Visual edits must be made for discontinuation, here is our standard discontinuation options: - remove the stockings completely and give them fur like an actual satyr - keep the stockings and give them human legs - make them an anthro - keep the stockings but they MUST start at least a quarter to halfway up the bottom portion of the deer leg with a clear divide between the stocking and leg with fur poking out underneath - you are free to suggest your own edits as well! “]

This may be speaking specifically about discontinuing a former Dainty due to the context we found it in, but this means that a design is not considered a dainty if, for example, its stockings show fur underneath and are not part of the body. That’s it. That’s all they ask. Pajuxi is not saying “this is my closed species of SATYRS WITH SOCKS and if you DARE make a satyr with socks i will COME FOR YOU!!!”, they clearly state that satyrs with socks are an acceptable Not A Dainty. I personally think the lore behind the stockings being physically part of the body and all the specific rules they entail is interesting and original and I do not think it’s such a wild ask to say “hey, please respect this and if you see it, don’t rip it off on purpose. You can take inspiration in all these valid ways but I want to have some control over the concept I came up with”.

Claim 3: Species owners are rich elitists making small artists suffer.

Species owners are small, independent artists. Artists being hated the instant they get even moderate success (that’s still usually BARELY A LIVING WAGE) is its own huge discussion and internalized issues + capitalist brainwashing you all have to deal with on your own damn time, but I want to emphasize that someone making a living or even comfortable wage from their art is Good, Actually, and is something we should all be happy to see and want to see more of. 

Furthermore, no one is being taken advantage of. CS characters are a luxury item. You do not NEED one. If you absolutely will die without a sock deer, make one where the sock isn’t part of their body. If you will die without a chimereon, make an anthro chameleon and use your own ideas. If you will die without a sphinx character, I’m overjoyed to inform you that fucking nobody ever asked you not to make one. CS involvement is voluntary. If you don’t like them, don’t participate in them, but keep in mind that someone saying “hey, please don’t blatantly copy this design concept I spent time creating” is The Same Thing as someone asking you not to copy their individual character designs. You could live without stealing character designs. You can live without making something exactly like an existing CS. 

Claim 4: CS put concepts behind a paywall and make them inaccessible.

Again, these are a luxury item. Most closed species MYO slots cost $10-$45. That is not a ridiculous amount to aspire to. Closed species owners WANT people to participate in their species, so there are a ton of ways.

- Chimereons hold First-Time Owner flatsale slot raffles every single month to ensure people who are new to the community have a greater chance of nabbing a slot than existing participants - Dainties have an art prompt every month, which rewards every participant regardless of skill level one prompt point (the art can be visual or written). Six prompt points can be used to buy an MYO slot for free. If you desperately need a dainty and are flat broke, you can get a free one by writing 150 words a month for six months or doing one drawing each month. Skill level doesn’t matter, ALL participants get a point if they follow the rules. - I joined a raffle for a free pre-made Spinxyn. I did not win the raffle. Jac randomly decided to give out 7 MYO slots too, one of which I won. I entered a raffle that DID NOT HAVE MYO SLOTS AS A PRIZE and got one for free anyway. CS owners want people to participate, I promise. - Dainties just had a 24-hour turn-in event (that they warned about a month in advance so folks could prepare designs), meaning every single person who submits a design in that 24hr time frame gets a slot. Normally slot sales are limited in number and sell out in seconds. - Jac sporadically draws quicker, messier Spinxyn designs which always cost $5 and raffle-flatsales them on Discord. $5 is not a gatekeepy price. - Tomoyokis recently had a free-for-all event where everyone could claim either a free common slot or a $10 uncommon slot. These are just specific examples I remember of easier or free ways to get CS. Non-specifically:

- art = reward systems are common, so again, just writing or drawing enough can equal a free MYO slot or entry into a raffle for a pre-made design - many many species that are relatively new have FREE turn-in events or giveaways to build a community - free FTO slot raffles - paid but discounted FTO slot raffles - random free design giveaways - trading art for a CS character or MYO slot (I’ve gotten a dainty and two dainty MYO slots this way, and I realize not everyone’s art gets accepted, which is why this is a whole list of ways that don’t require artistic skill whatsoever)

So getting your hands on one isn’t the worst thing in the world. You might need a little luck (as in, you have a completely fair chance that is equal to everyone else’s) or a little dedication (6 months of wanting one, or having to have a design ready within a limited time for a free turn-in event).

Also, there’s a reason CS prices cannot change much: this causes issues with the value of all existing CS characters. Dainties will ALWAYS be $35. The MYO slot price will NEVER increase. If it did, all previous dainties would be worth less, or would have to have their worth increased, which is logistics hell. Inflation doesn’t affect CS the same way it does everything else.

Claim 5: ok but legally nothing is stopping me from making one lmaoo

That is true. It’s also true that there’s not really any effective laws in place to protect artists when they say “Hey, please don’t quote retweet my art on Twitter” or “Hey, please don’t repost my art even with credit”. Sometimes, we just respect artists and do what they ask because we are Nice Fucking People, but apparently, species owners are a whole different thing, evil, and do not deserve the same basic respect.

IN CONCLUSION

Talk to a CS owner. They’re reasonable and kind people. There’s an exception to every rule, of course, but what I’ve found overwhelmingly is that they’re literally just people like you and I who were excited to make something cool and share it with people. The emphasis is HUGELY on community. I used to dislike the idea of CS too, but since participating in them and talking a ton with the owners (who are super down-to-earth and active in their servers-- Jac helped me with a confusing horse video game and gave me a Free Horse in there), I’ve realized that the caricature of CS owners as greedy and bitchy, laying claim to basic concepts like A Cat With Wings, is just bullshit. The stereotype that CS community members are an angry mob who will roast you over a fire if you draw a chameleon on two legs is bullshit. The idea that CS are impossible to get, are for the bourgeoisie, and cost thousands of dollars is bullshit (I bet you’re thinking about scarfoxes right now. Hot take: I think it’s great that an artist is selling their intellectual property for that much. I think we all should be able to. I think if someone chooses to spend that much on a design they think would make them happy, that is literally not a fucking problem, and since it was their choice and their money no one is being taken advantage of unfairly. Let people buy the shit they want to buy, I promise you will fucking survive).

I like CS, I think they are neat, I wish people would give the owners a break. They are just independent artists like me. They get lied about and stereotyped over this stupid drama bullshit and they’re so tired and saddened when the subject comes up. They literally do not police anyone-- they don’t have the time or the desire, and it wouldn’t work anyway.

I won’t post CS content here anymore. But I like participating voluntarily in these communities. I don’t understand why that’s something YOU get to have a problem with.

Stay out of my inbox. Thanks.

#long post #LONG LONG POST #seriously im not inviting argument so please please do not slide into my inbox or replies #anon ASKED; i am ANSWERING. the dialogue ENDS here. #not art #also this isnt meant as a like. Woke Post to Blow Up #it's my personal explanation and thoughts #so only read it if you want to.

[nightswithkookmin]

You need to back up your ON break up theory with more than just fake subs and vague statements about 'claiming behavior'.

During the period you allege they were broken up, Jimin pulled Jungkook in a hug on run behind, Jungkook called Jimin sexy at a press conference, Jimin and jungkook did that whole 'how does it feel to be in the same unit'/'time to change' flirty thing, Jimin grabbed Jungkook by the lapels... and more. Begging pardon but if they were grieving the loss of their romantic relationship while trying to be professional colleagues and pals.... isnt that sort of insensitive? Like I know you admitting you might have read it wrong and have changed your view in light of new footage might be a blow to your ego, but I don't think you are thinking rationally when you insist on this break up theory. It's sad because I found so much meaning and connection in some of the stuff you have written, particularly pertaining to internalized homophobia, racism, mysogynoir and bts changing over time to become more enlightened, but your devotion to this ONE theory, and defensiveness whenever it is (rightly imo) challenged makes me wary of your theories in general, which might be extremely unfair to you, as a thinker. Your log is really funny and great in a lot of ways so i cant really quit you.

Ahhhh it's been a while I got one of these...

Hello, how you doing! Lol. Silver is that you?

Chilee, it's the name calling for me.

Ego, irrational, charlatan, Tuktukker- I'm desensitized to such ad hominems at this point. You don't throw words like these around and expect me to sit at the table and talk. Imma yeet myself out real fast. Lol.

There's just something different, wholesome almost, about this post though. Sounds constructive I think. Or maybe it's because I just woke. Chilee. Lol.

It doesn't feel at all like you are attacking me. It's strange...

You're gaslighting though but it's fine. I've built a resistance to that from years and years of dealing with my abductors or family. Potato potahto.

I often put my sanity before other's insanity which is why I don't indulge posts such as these and I'm not sorry about that. I mean is this an Ask or Submission? I don't- what am I supposed to say? What is the call to action?

Sigh.

If I come across as defensive sometimes, 10 out of 10, it's probably because the person on the other end is being offensive. Straight up. Cause and effect, the science don't lie.

You don't expect me to not defend when I'm being attacked. That's just tacky.

I don't think there's anything wrong with challenging views and notions because at the very least, that's about the exchange of ideas and I welcome it.

I set the limits at the racial slurs, the mocking tones, the emotionally charged rants meant to disparage me and my entire ancestry rather than argue a point, the interference with my personal life and business all because I hold a different view on a topic, the doxing, gaslighting, the bad mouthing, spreading lies about me, turning my friends against me, stripping away my rights and copyrights, harassing people who enjoy my work among- other things.

I usually exercise my right to self preservation in these instances- imma block, delete, ignore, forward or clap back. Word. Lol.

I'm sorry, but if you have to attack the individuality of a person to argue your point, you've lost the argument and you never had one to begin with.

Take for instance, the bit you wrote about me taking a blow to 'my ego' - do you see the problem with that?

What has holding a view different from yours on a particular subject got to do with the ego?

Do you mean to say the only way I can hold an opinion different from yours on a matter is if I were hubristic?

Are you projecting? What's happening? Lol

And if I call you out for this, I'm defensive? Way to add gaslighting to your bigotry and intolerance of opinions that don't align with yours. No offense.

I give myself permission to hold unpopular views. I give myself permission to think differently from others. I give myself permission to see what I see and believe what I believe and form an opinion on what I see and believe divorced from others' views and based on my own understanding of the workings of this world or in this case Jikook.

No amount of name calling will change this fact. We see things from different perspectives after all.

You need to back your ON break up theory with more than just fake subs and vague claims about claiming behavior.

Lol. Fake subs? You mean the Hajima bit from the On comeback special I put in my video? Interesting.

I think I see what you mean about my break up theory and I agree to some extent. Like, come up here with charts and paragraphs and excel spreadsheets on why I think Jikook were broken up?

I would be happy to do that kind of analysis.

I think the problem for me here is, I feel tasked to convince rather than to share my opinion on the matter or even expand on my theories for discourse sakes and that makes me really uncomfortable.

Not to psychoanalyze you, but I feel when you ask this of me you are not just asking me to divulge my thoughts on a topic but to disabuse you of your own biases surrounding the topic.

I don't think this is about my opinion at all. I think it's about your own beliefs about Jikook. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you believe in something you need to stand for it. Just don't mind if others do same and don't call them names for doing so. Because if you do mind, then that's bigotry.

The fact is my opinion contradicts your beliefs about Jikook and you either want to punish me for it hence the slurs, are in denial, or you want to believe my point of view- can't really tell.

I think there is a limit in general to how far I can prove Jikook in anyway and that has nothing to do with lack of evidence, my ego or my rationality. And yes, I often shroud my beliefs in vague expressions because I don't want to set myself up or open myself up to legal suits. I can only prove Jikook to a point and nothing beyond my belief. Beyond that, I would be skating on thin ice and making bighit a tad richer.

During the period you allege they were broken up, Jimin pulled JK in a hug, grabbed Jungkook by his lapel, JK called Jimin sexy, they did the flirty challenge...

So if I understand you correctly, all these is what makes Jikook a couple to you and indicate they are dating?

Alright then.

Hobi calls Jimin sexy all the time. BTS calls eachother sexy all the time. I don't think that's a sign they are in a polyamory.

Jungkook plays with his hyungs' dick and ass and talks about falling for them most times. I don't think that makes him gay or in a relationship with any of them.

Lemme just cut to the chase. I've reached my photo limits. I have said a countless times now, that I don't view skinship and all these interactions you've pointed out as indication two people are dating- especially not two Koreans working within the homoerotically charged space of Kpop.

And I have given out a few of the metrics I use in considering whether any ship in BTS is real over the course of my blogs- intimacy, exclusive behaviors such as and not limited to claiming eachother and exercising certain rights and authorities over eachother and against the group, stress trails as a result of keeping their relationship a secret, the microaggressions, breaching the fourth wall and others.

I think what this comes down to is differences in perspectives on a fundamental level. Not egos.

I don't see the things you see as the signs Jikook are real and dating, as signs Jikook are real and dating. If I did, I would be seeing every ship in BTS as real but I don't.

And you consider the metrics I use in ascertaining Jikook as vague something something. I think we are at an impasse.

But explain the bit about 'insensitive' to me please. I would love to engage in that discourse. Why would it be insensitive for two exes to act cordially with eachother within a workplace in the aftermath of a breakup?

Then the bit about grieving...

So grieving is one of your metrics for accessing whether or not two people are broken up?

That's interesting. I mean I don't disagree but I also don't think Jikook are gonna come to work with oversized pajamas, dark shades, boxes of tissues and a blanket slung over their shoulders because of a broken heart... it's 2020 not Manila. They've grown, are learning and getting better at dealing with their emotions on camera because, as Suga pointed out, they are aware the least bit of tension translates to the screens.

I mean Jimin said it himself in his 2020 interview, he's learned to react less intensely to certain things. And sometimes, he tries to downplay certain things. He tries to perform Jikook when Jikook are not in a great place. It's only in recent times, On era, where JK has opted out and not gone along with it.

I think he does that and uses their shared 'Jikook agenda' and performances of Jikook as a means to fix things or break the ice between them at least.

But clearly Jk wasn't having it that day as he kept putting up boundaries with Jimin throughout that Run episode- unless of course you are disputing this as well on the grounds Jimin dragged his ass into a hug. Chilee.

I think most people wouldn't have felt there was something off with Jikook in that On period at all had it not been for Run 116. It's similar to how, had it not been for Jimin's birthday saga, the Esquire shoot behind scenes and Grammy reaction video, no one would have felt there was something going on between Jikook in the October timeline.

I think we would have seen and felt the less interactions and professionalism between them in the aftermath of it but for the most parts, moments like the couch scene in the Grammy reaction video wouldn't have made sense to any of us especially as we had just witnessed JK in the ON:E concert rushing to comfort and console JM when he was tearing up at the end of the concert.

At least when he pushed JM into a ditch somewhere in the dark in Soop we know he had been drinking and they were playing competitive sports. Even with that he still showed some concern when Jimin fell and injured himself afterwards.

I think we would all be wondering if Jikook were fanservice at that point, a fanservice relationship where JK only consoled Jimin when he cried infront of thousands of people at concerts and nibbled his ear while he was at it.

And I think we would be on opposite sides of the argument: me, arguing Jikook were experiencing a hiccup in their relationship and you, rationalizing that moment with anything from 'JK don't have to be at JM's beck and call' 'he is an introvert who is shy to show affections publicly' to even something about the weather.

But I would have looked at this moment from the October pop up video behind scenes and assumed JK was mad at Jimin for something JM had done and had done something in retaliation and was now feeling sorry he did.

And I would have based it off of this moment, or a countless similar ones from around On era or the previous eras where JK had done this exact same thing- frozen in place and staring at Jimin in the middle of a shoot or interview after sliding his hands down Tae's chest, clung on to the others unnecessarily to get a reaction out of JM.

Would I have been right? It really doesn't matter to me as long as it makes sense to me. I ship Jikook in a way that makes sense to me. Jikook are gay, in a gay relationship with each other and are human like anyone of us- that makes sense to me. Whether I am right or wrong.... who cares and why does it matter?

Personally, I think the only person grieving in that period was JK not JM and I don't think he grieved for long before he switched off his humanity and went stone cold tit for tat terminator on JM and BTS's ass. Lol. He had JM looking all kinds of subdued in that era. Lmho.

People grieve in various ways. In my opinion. For Jimin, I feel he puts on a strong facade most times when he has to film during such times and lately I feel he masks his emotions with anger.

Jk masks his pain with anger too sometimes but I feel in recent times, he is leaning more towards indifference. I think he tries not to be as affected by certain things as compared to the early half of 2020...

But I understand what you mean when you talk about grieve. I think for me rather than look for physical evidence of grief like a sad face, a tear drop dripping down a face, I love for vulnerability in them.

JK's is easy to tell because he tends to open himself up to others such as Tae or Jin or Hobi- and I don't mean like his interactions with them. I mean he leans on them for moral or emotional support.

In the Holiday remix video where he was hiding behind Jin, I felt he was feeling very vulnerable and exposed after that intense moment with Jimin.

It's what he does when he is feeling vulnerable. He turns to others especially Jimin and if Jimin is the cause of his vulnerability he turns away from him like he did within On era or even in Run 116.

When he is in a good place with Jimin, often he is closed off to the others. Jimin does the opposite. He shuts himself up entirely from the group. I don't think he likes to go through his pain by himself.

I've always found that bit fascinating about them. Jk opens himself to people when he is at his lowest while JM closes himself off when he is at his worst.

It played out in their rainy day fight as well. In JK's vulnerability, that's when he let Jimin in, lowering his walls while JM on the other hand closed himself off to him.

Can you give me more than they were together in that period because they played with eachother's lapels?

You don't think I'm thinking rationally when I insist on my theory? Uhmmm... okay? What is rational in this case?

Listen, I recieve a lot of hate for my 'irrational thoughts and opinions' out in these streets. I've lost potentially great friendship on this platform because of it. As I type this, there is someone in someone else's DMs persuading them not to read and engage with my posts because I'm extremely evil I think Jikook break up from time to time in their relationship.

If I genuinely believed in the slightest least or had the least doubt that Jikook were together in that period I would change my mind on the topic- damn my pride and ego. It simply isn't worth the hustle.

If it helps your sanity, please stop reading my blogs. My blogs are not for everyone. It makes some people happy, it makes some people mad and some people experience both.

My gratification is in sharing my thoughts and chronicling Jikook's journey for my own appeasement and support of Jikook. I owe it to them as a believer and a supporter to humanize them as much as possible.

I do not seek to convert others, change minds, or convince anyone of my opinions or to disabuse anyone of theirs.

Let's just agree to disagree on the matter please. Or if you can drop the ad hominems, I would be more than happy to go back and forth with you on this very topic. It's actually shaping out to be one of my favorite Jikook eras. I love me some terminator JK. Lol.

Signed,

GOLDY

[welllbeing]

nsfw, detailed, I need to vent a little im sorry jesus christ

so its been like two and a half weeks since ive seen my boyfriend but he came over for the weekend and its been really great.

i had started my period on thursday like had cramps and was bleeding and everything and on friday too but then by yesterday (saturday) evening it was like gone??? is that normal?

anyway, we have been talking all week of course but he had started talking about what he wanted to do to me when he got here but I told him that I started and he was like ‘aww baby okay, movies and cuddles all weekend, yeah?’ so that’s literally what we did all day friday and all day saturday. friday night when we went to bed at like 4am we went in my room and he kissed me a lot and held me and told me how much he missed me and i fell asleep holding his hand and laying on his chest and every time I woke up he was either leaning on me or his arm was around me.

then saturday night (technically sunday morning because it was 3am) we had been watching movies all day again and we were laying on the living room floor and he just pulled me to him and put his hand in my hoodie (i was just wearing a zip up hoodie and a sports bra underneath) and was just like rubbing his thumb back and forth over my ribs and then eventually he started doing that between my boobs because he knows that thata like one of my favorite things ever like idk it just feels really nice and yeah.

but then he just grabbed me by my chin and kissed me really hard and pulled me flat against him and pulled my leg up around him and put his hands in my shirt to rub my back and we just stayed like that for a while but then we went into my room and I sat on his lap and grinded on him while I kissed him and he said I was gonna make him cum early, I said ‘so?’ and he kinda chuckled and said that meant he’d have to take another shower and I said I’d just take one with him so he was like ‘well we might as well just go to the shower then’ and started undressing me I told him that I wanted to give him head since we couldnt have sex. so once we got in there we made out for a while and idk just talked while we kissed and eventually I did give him head and he came and then kissed me some more and he was just ugh we were doing a lot and he asked me what was wrong because I stopped kissing him to bury my face in his neck and i was really just fucking horny lmao so I told him that I wanted him but it was frustrating me that he couldnt fuck me and all he said was ‘who said?’ and then in my head I was like ‘......... he’s actually right.’ like I always told myself i wouldnt have sex on my period because of how heavy my flow was and how bad cramps were but now that im on birth control I only have cramps the first day and I hardly even bleed after the first day so it being the third day I was at a point where I didnt have to wear a pad or tampon, I was good with a thin liner and that was it. so I was like fuck it and told him okay and so we started in the shower but kept knocking stuff down and the water makes things harder and it also went cold on us so we got out of the shower and literally ran into the bedroom soaking wet and then he fucked me there.

but idk he just does stuff differently when we have sex now like he stays in missionary longer and he has actually started making noise now (which is the most satisfying thing in the world btw because he used to never make a sound but now hearing him say what he wants me to keep doing and hearing him call me baby and moan in my ear while we’re having sex is just ugh its amazing) and yeah he touches me more so like for example what he used to do was just hold himself up with his hands on either side of my head while in missionary and hed just hold my hips while in doggy and when I was on top his hands would just be on my thighs

but now when we’re in missionary he either holds my leg up with one hand or will hold my hands over my head and he has always kissed me a lot when in that position but now he also gives me a bunch of hickeys and kisses my jaw and will just bury his face in my neck. and when we’re in doggy he runs his hands up and down my back a lot and holds my shoulders or my hair and he’ll lean over me to kiss the back and side of my neck and between my shoulder blades like I usually put my face all of the way down but he’ll pull me up so im holding myself on my arms just so he can do that. and then when im riding him his hands just go everywhere now, literally everywhere, and he’s started this thing where he’ll lightly bite my nipple and idk I never expect it every time he does it so it gets a little yelp out of me but it also feels amazing and he gets this stupid smug look on his face and will keep sucking and pinching and it is just the best feeling i cant even explain.

but this time he did something different while we were in doggy, hes never done this before but it literally almost made me lose my mind.

so we had been having sex for a while and I had let my form slip so I started leaning forward and ended up basically laying face down on the bed with my ass up so for a whike he was holding himself up but then he got down and leaned over me so his head was right beside mine and he reached around me to finger my clit and he just started these shallow but fast thrusts whike he fingered me and he was moaning in my ear and kissing my neck and I swear to you I came like five times just then it was amazing skjshduhsjfjsjfj

now hes one of those guys that he’ll cum and then just keep going and can do that like four or five times so yeah I was a shaking mess and he was like ‘babe we need to stop’ and I didnt want him to but hes always afraid of doing too much or hurting me so he talked me into it and brought me outside to smoke with him since thats become what he calls ‘our routine’. we have sex and then we smoke lol.

but the point of this post was a) he does things differently now like he praises my body more when we have sex and b) this was the first time we had sex while we were both fully naked and this was also the most that hes ever touched me. its just mind blowing to me that my body doesnt gross him out like im up almost 40 pounds but this was still the most intense sex we’ve ever had and he kept talking about how he didnt want to stop but he knew he needed to.

and then still afterwards in a different conversation proceeded to talk about meeting my parents and said something about us moving into a house together so he still wants to be with me and make plans with me and idk he is really the reason that i havent totally lost my mind with my body. like i did have a mini breakdown when I weighed myself on thursday but him being here made me realise that although it is an issue it isnt THAT bad because he still likes me you know?

#bear

[in-a-trans-like-state]

so my xmas is pretty much over. it was ok 

under the cut is just me giving a blow by blow of my day trying to figure out my emotions. 

the morning was nice though i had problems sleeping and woke up about 2 to go back to sleep at 6 to get up at 8 and be tired all day. 

I made bacon and raspberry pancakes for my family’s brekkie and we opened presents over food. my dad decided it was a great time to collect all the food and cutlery he wanted from upstairs and take it downstairs (his abode since my parents have spilt up) He wasn't too much of an arsehole though he really could have waited till i’d finished in the kitchen to rummage around it trying to find the last bowl of a set ( that turned out to be downstairs anyway) 

We went to my great uncles for lunch. I don’t like having xmas at his much cos he never really comes to family gatherings so he feels more like a stranger than anything. Plus he and his wife are loaded and they invite their rich friends over and i did not feel like talking to people i didnt know. Especially load drunk ones who are the embodiment of the “what could a banana cost? $10?” meme lady. (OK i dont actually know how rich they are but they live in a very nice suburb in a big house with way too much wine and it makes my working class leftist self cringe.) I much prefer to have christmas at my grandma’s run down place that creaks and the kitchen floor slopes because its the uncut bedrock the house it built on, and the only new people i have to deal with are my cousin’s new boyfriends.  

One guy was extremely extroverted and drunk and he was very cringe worthy. Like shut! up! you are embarrassing yourself! and your daughters! He cornered me said he remembered me from when i was little and made comments about how I’d changed, he actually bought up the gender thing which like everyone else was stepping around. 

My great aunt made comments about how much happier i am and how she was glad i’d followed my stars. Like thanks? But also I transitioned nearly 3 years ago?? Have you not spoken to me since then? (probably) Talking to the drunk guy was awkward but it was over pretty quick and i ran back to my mum. 

The food was good. I liked the ham and smoked salmon. there was prawns which stunk and made me feel vaugely sick for the rest of the day. as well as my dad’s smoked chicken. Idk what it is about it but when ever he makes it it tastes slightly off to me. Probably cos im not used to it. There much have been 20 bottles of wine on the table. Like ?? You don’t need a bottle of red and white for every person present. 

My dad opted to go home with my aunt and granny so he could stay and bitch longer. He is an alcoholic.  I always thought I was maybe exaggerating when i said that but mum recently told me that he has attended AA meeting in the past. Apparently when they last separated about 9 years ago he was sober for a couple of months. but then said something like “my life isnt worth living without alcohol.” Which does make me feel a little sorry for him, but also he is such an arsehole when he is drunk, like he can be bad when his sober but drunk him is a nightmare and 100% why mum’s separating form him (for good this time) 

Like mum was so worried during the lead up to xmas because what if he gets drunk and starts complaining loudly about her at the family lunch? And she cant leave cos there’s only one car? Or worse (?) he waits til we get home before (verbally) laying into her and us. I wasnt home but my sister got into uni the other day and instead of congratulating her dad made a big fuss cos no one had told him. I cant wait til mum has her own place. Where she (and me and my sisters) dont have to fear him stomping up the stairs to yell at us. I always tell my self that he’s probably not abusive. Like he is a negative toxic person (mum calls him draining) but he doesnt beat us or emotionally manipulate us on purpose. But honestly whats the difference? I wouldn’t be exaggerating too much by calling him abusive. 

I suppose the difference is that I’m (unlikely) to get PTSD from him? And i feel that it wasn’t as bad as some people have it so am I offending actual victims by calling him abusive? But also as theres no way I’m going to start talking over abuse victims and saying shit like I survived my dad with minimal damage that therefore their stories are invalid that calling him abusive or nearly abusive just puts another blip of the spectrum of this is what abuse can look like. If that makes sense? Fuck this was meant to be a christmas post and now its been derailed. 

Anyway I hope one of them sobered up enough to drive. Because drunk driving is a dick move and also I’m slightly worried that they’re dead. My anxiety is always going people are late? They had a car crash there’re dead. I know not to fixtate on it and just go well its possible but also quite unlikely so stfu brain. 

I spent way too much time on my phone trying to ignore people so now i have a headache. I didnt get to drink because I was designated driver so at least I’m not hungover but I was so tired I nearly feel asleep at the wheel. I came home and slept for two hours straight. 

I’ve changed my sheets which ive been meaning to do for a week now, and had coco pops (thanks santa!) for dinner. I need to have a shower and eat some fruit. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep because we’ve got to get up again tomorrow and go to my granny’s for present opening. because for some reason we couldn’t do it at my great uncles? Like not that I’m complaining about seeing the family again its just very time consuming and I’ve got work tomorrow afternoon so my whole day will be on a time limit and therefor stressful. 

I feel pretty down though. its probably the headache. Maybe its the fact i didnt get presents from extended family so my inner four year old is sad. Maybe its the weather it was quite cold today. Maybe I’m all socalised out. 

I think its partly cos im disappointed in myself for not engaging with people more. Even though I was tired and therefore socialising is undesirable and they were drunk and too loud. I’m also slightly pissed off at having to go to my great uncles. But also the reason we went is cos he had cancer this year so I also feel like a massive jerk for not wanting to go to his place. 

So all in all the day could have gone better. But also it was ok. Like I’ve long since accepted that the whole of christmas day cant be 24 hours of magical this is a special day feeling. Maybe thats an adult sign or maybe its depression (xmas is less and less fun as you grow up) either way I suppose it could have been a more special day. But also it doesnt really matter and hopefully i’ll feel better tomorrow  

#this is literally just me rambling for 1300 words #yes i copied pasted it into a word doc might aswell try to collect this 'journal entries' #i do go on a ramble about my parents separating and whether or not i can call my dad an abusive alcoholic #because he is technically but also not really what you think off when you hear abusive alcoholic #like he's never hit us #he's just energy draining and negative and unconsciously sexist and resistant to own up and apologise #partly cos he is too drunk to remember the incidents? #alcohol #abuse #anyway in conclusion i had an ok day that could have been better #and ive got to do most of it again tomorrow which could turn out really good or just plain stressful #i speak

[oflgtfol]

ahuahiaha so i had A Dream and it was a long one so sorry for the long post but i cant do read mores on mobile so tomorrow shannen's coming over my house but in my dream i went over Their house and like idk what the hell we did there but there were like pennies the size of quarters and i was trying to collect 4 of them to give to shannen because it meant something special/was a joke or smth i really cant remember, but like i stumbled over a tile with a painting on it but when i picked it up it was actually like one of those horn things that are actually like shells? and the painted side was like the inside of the shell. and then shannen's dad comes in (he was like an old man i havent actually ever seen their dad) and he was like "Once You Touch, You Must Blow It" and i was like uhm ok and he said that the sound must be like really deep and loud but when i did it it was just a fucking whistle and he just shook his head lmao then all the sudden it was like dinner time but i wasnt actually there? i was watching everything from the outside and it was just this long hall with a long table and i think i could actually control the people inside. everyone was crowding towards the right side but two old ladies were on the left so i was like "ok theyre married now" and i tried to make everyone sit more evenly so that those two wouldnt be alone. but there was some issue with mirrors like some girl was like "i wont sit across from a mirror" her mom was like "i wont sit diagonal from a mirror" and a guy was like "i dont even wanna see a mirror" and the younger girl was like "i have two conditions. i dont want to be across from a mirror and i dont want to see any gross shit. like blood" and she just side eyed her mom like lmao what ok then there was something with a girl i have never seen before and like her parents were yelling at her bc i think she was like, really butch? and her parents were like "stop you need to wear nicer clothes do you want to look like a boy" but like the entire time i was just, drawing her ok and that was all i could see like i had no vision of the actual events going on, just this sketch and im p sure i drew her driving a convertible then all the sudden it was this high speed race, it was some guy and again i wasnt actually in here i was watching this guy from like a third person view. hes speeding down the road being chased by these big black vans but i think they were actually just trying to get to the same thing before the other. the van crashes the guy but he gets into like a fucking fork lift except it has like this one giant crab hand thats actually super high tech and he manually attaches the second crab hand thing and with both hes like rlly powerful BUT his like fucking brain was damaged in the crash so hes... suddenly in the music hallway of my school. he goes down it in the forklift (which i thought was much too big to fit in the hallway but idk man he couldnt walk before" and he gets this super computer that lets him function and also makes him basically almost omnipotent and so he goes to leave the hallway, theres security on the outside stopping the guys from the van saying theyre restricted from this area. computer guy squeezes through, suddenly hes just in like. basically a floating chair like its just even a wheelchair its just a nice comfy lounge chair that floats and is a lot smaller for travel. it was also white and sorta translucent then suddenly computer guy is back to speeding down roads, theres a girl with him and for a brief moment i was in her point of view while she was driving but she moved over to let him drive and i was back to him. im p sure they pick up butch girl from earlier and apparently its the end of the fucking world. the cliffs on the side of the road are like, square and rectangularish (like the, entrance to the monster world in moana i guess? but the rectangles were a lot larger) and like the other side of the road just. isnt there. its like in wizard101 its just empty fucking sky and bits of squares of earth are like floating in it but also falling. theres people on the road doing their own thing tho but computer guy is like "alright so time should be restarting at a steady pace now. i dont think you can remember what happens each restart but if you remember anything, remember this: if you find yourself on the road, dont ever get off. keep driving till the end" and thats what they did they just kept on driving for hours along this long ass road and nobody else driving along even knew the world was ending but apparently time was restarting and each restart was gonna get closer and closer together until time just like collapsed i guess lmao. then my mom woke me up so. see you time car guys

#the bread has spoken #god there were so many different parts to my dream i thought they were all somewhat connected but. no #i hope those two old ladies were happy together during the end of the world