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jjsanguine · 6 months

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I was scrolling on Instagram and went through the account of a guy who roller skates while talking about various things.

And I remember one time in summer 2020, when J Florid bought a penny board and we went skateboarding. I'm not good at skateboarding. and unlike J florids shiny new skateboard, I had a shitty regular board with wood that was staring to split and rusty wheels. I've always preferred using inline skates to a skateboard but after I outgrew the skates I had as a kid I've just never gotten back into it. But it's 2020, I've just dropped out of uni, this whole pandemic thing means finding a job is impossible, and I have nothing but time. So when J Florid is asks if I want to go skateboarding I say sure.

I'm not good at skateboarding. Even if I had been, the only place around that was at all flat enough to skate on assist from the road was full of trees, so I went over a tree root and stacked it. I didn't lose teeth or anything, but my knee bent way further than its natural range of motion. It might sound counter intuitive since I'm hypermobile but I'm very inflexible—I haven't been able to cross my legs since primary school.

Obviously, my knee swelled like a balloon and I had difficulty even walking for the next month. And I think, I'll get back to it at some point when my leg's healed. 3½ years later, I haven't. Watching these videos had me think for a moment, why didn't I buy some skates again? And then I remembered that I can't. I often drop a hobby and pick it up a few years later so for a moment there I forgot that it wasn't just that I had been distracted.

I didn't go skating again because I can't do anything that physically demanding, not without risking hospitalisation. I can't learn how to skate, I can't learn how to swim, I can't get back into rock climbing, or run up the stairs two at a time with a vice grip or the railing, or walk around the shopping centre aimlessly, or go to the library, or go to the lake and skip stones, or dance in my own house because I can't do exercise anymore.

I don't whip cream anymore, I don't turn okele anymore, I don't knead bread dough anymore, I don't draw anymore, I don't spend hours doing my own hair anymore, I don't really read anymore, I don't do much of anything anymore because I don't want to be in an ambulance again.

I don't remember when I last painted my nails, because of how often I've had a pulse oximeter on my hand. I don't remember when the last time I was able to shower standing up was. I don't remember when the last time I sat at my desk was, because I can't sit up for extended periods of time.

I remember the last time I left my house because it was to go to GP, which is the only reason I leave the house nowadays. I remember having to go to the hospital and sitting there for hours and doing a bunch of blood tests and once again getting the everything's clear, go home. And I remember how my breathing was still so constricted I could barely speak, and how the next day it felt like the fog of exhaustion was lifting a little. And how the fog came back. And seemed to lift and then came back. Over and over, to this day.

I will never ever forgive my family for exposing me to COVID. If I didn't live with them I would have been disappointed. I would have been angry. But now I can't leave. And I have to get reinfected over and over because I can't wear a mask while I'm eating or drinking or the rare time I can take an actual shower instead of having a sponge and a bowl. And I have to hear the coughing and the whining about being sick and the catarrh. I can never forgive this because I thought of all people they would care.

They can see me deteriorating month on month but they ignore how they too are getting sicker so I guess it's too much to expect.

I've never had anyone really close to be die before because I just assumed it would be me who died. At first because I was actively suicidal and now because I think my heart or my lungs or my blood vessels might just give up on me. So I never really thought I'd have to experience grief. I never thought about how I could be doing something mundane and just break down, sobbing. Now I'm grieving not just my future but my past. All that time spent acquiescing. All that time spent being angry and afraid and trapped by my family but still loving them. All that time thinking they'd return the favour. And how despite me I still do love them, but wouldn't speak to any of them ever again if I had the chance.

#rant #o family #covid #disability

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hypers-of-music · 6 months

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Arca's Least Viewed Upload: "Altar"

Arca’s least popular YouTube upload is the official audio video for her song “Altar” from her album KICK iiii with approximately 28 thousand views. KICK iiii is Arca’s seventh studio album which was released on 2 December 2021 through XL Recordings and is a part of the same KICK album series. Similar to KICK ii, this album is often imaged through the photo below, however this is not a specific album photo, moreso a photo synonymous with the titles featured on this album. Interestingly, this photo is also a scene from the “Prada/Rakata” music video, signifying that the themes of the posthuman in this video was not designed for a specific song or singular KICK version, but rather embodies Arca’s mentality and work as a whole at this period of her life.

Unlike the majority of her songs, Arca’s “Altar” is sung entirely in English and includes extreme vocal distortions. However, I think it’s important to note that her language doesn’t come off as an attempt to make her music more comfortable or normal because ultimately she is a multi-cultural, multi-lingual individual. Her English does not seem to be a part of an attempt to “blend” with the rest of the music

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The song is also relatively short compared to her other tracks, but is able to extend to the full 3:37 because of the vocal distortions that cause her voice to draw out for long periods of time despite the song being a total of 70 words (the same set of 35 repeated twice).

Although there are no visuals to accompany the lyrics of the song, the vocal distortion provides a strong enough communication of sadness and despair to fully express the content of the lyrics. “Altar” is a short track about love lost, about losing a lover and the ensuing sense of detachment from them, “After all, you still lost me I can't, I still lost you too.” There is a mutual loss being described, with neither individual necessarily being ousted more than another, both lost each other. Although not confirmed by visuals, the use of the pet name “angel” in the song suggests a romantic connection, “Do you recall the night/That you looked into my eyes?/Inside to me/You said, angel.” This term of endearment provides a glimpse into the intimacy that was once present. The song title “Altar” may refer to the altar used in traditional church-wedding ceremonies, even further hinting at this romantic relationship and its ensuing dissolution.

The unique combinations of sounds and lyrics still delivers a poignant message of a haunting sense of love and grief, and begins to submerge the listener into the individuality of Arca. However, the vocal distortions are also so extreme that they make it difficult to understand what is being said, and I think this is significant when questioning the audience’s reception of the song. And although these distortions create a feeling or sensation, the messages expected to be heard in the lyrics are entirely lost. As much as these distortions are enveloping and immersive, they are just as confusing and distracting, and it's possible that this inability to understand the lyrics is generally off putting, which may be what causes this to be Arca’s least popular upload.

#altar #youtube #latino #arca #music #reggaeton #Youtube

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