#and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore

[multifandombullshitbabes]

21

24

27

And

30

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

thank you so much, I shall answer these prompts NEOW

21: Fics you wish you could find more of?

Oooohhh more fics involving Gwen, that's for sure. When she's written right she's one of the strongest, most relatable characters imo, 'cause all she wants is for the world to be right and just and kind and everything wants to prove her wrong, but she won't back down from her views. I would also adore more Elyan, just in general. And complete rewrites of the show 'cause the one I'm reading right now is so good I might do one as well. Also modern au's where they're all like secret badass spies or smth, 'cause those are so fucking cool (i am accepting fic recs for ALL of this, please feed me y'all)

24: Everyone knows that fandom doesn’t like uther but what are your feelings about gaius?

I think 1) we need more concrete info about how he was when he was younger, but 2) i think he is severely complicated and wanted what was best of merlin and morgana, but failed the two while also giving them a ton of love. With morgana, he just didnt want her to pursue her power lest she become uther's next victim, cuz gaius cares for the pendragon siblings like his own. With merlin, he was just trying his best with his overpowered nephew, who alos has a destiny regarding his people's genocide's son, and he just doesn't know what to do half the time, kinda like merlin. I didnt like how he lied to merlin n morgana, how he gaslit her and how he made merlin hide and become so anxious abt his magic (and we see what that looks like season 5), but i get it. I really get it. I dont know what i wouldve done if one wrong move could mean the death of two kids he considers his own. I bet he was scared all the time and hated himself for it.

27: Modern Merlin headcanons, if any?

OH BOY. OHHHH BOY. So many. It really depends on what au i have for modern merlin, but I'll give you a few generals:

he's a teacher of sorts; i like the idea that he's kinda collecting magical anomalies and teaching them how to understand their powers and being, since he knows what its like to be afraid of urself, so he's a personal magic teacher. I also rly like my magic elementary school au, since its merlin teaching magic to a bunch of kids, which is adorable

he has officially one cat, a black one called Midnight, that accidentally became immortal along the way and now hes severally attached. I say officially since hes also friends with any other animal that he might come across and they recognise him if he passes them again. disney princess fr

he's figured out his gender and he can turn into a woman if he wants; she looks exactly like merlin, same height, same weight n muscles, the hair is longer cuz merlin likes it that way and her voice is deep and gorgeous

his favourite weapon is a staff or any long distance fighting weapon of the sort; also he looks cool as fuck fighting with it, but thats just a bonus

I'll stop here but i have SO MANY MORE

30: Side character death that makes you the maddest?

Elyan. There was, quite literally, no need for it. I was gonna say Lancelot, since we did not get enough of him, but his death made sense for his character. Elyan? What the fuck was that? It was just for pain and nothing else. What did it add to the story if not just a sad funeral scene and thats it? It just felt like they wanted him gone n found a way, and that pisses me off. I feel like him saving gwen and living would've given such a complex situation when she turns evil, 'cause what if she "confides" more n more in her brother, creating a rift between arthur n elyan, which then creates a rift between arthur n the knights, which would just isolate him further n make him suffer, which is what morgana wanted!! we couldve had protective brother elyan! I think i just wanted more knights in general.

Thank you so much for this ask, I yapped a fuck ton but it was funn

#merlin #bbc merlin #come get yall headcanons #hey look i posted a thing #merlin prompts #this was so fun

[nobodysystem]

i have wished for three desperate years that someone would find my writing-- my posts, my stories, my shitty little poems-- and tell me i obviously understand, even enough to (so technically) count. this will, of course, never happen. and so i spend my time looking in on real people, reading their stories and watching them without ever starting a conversation and then, later, involuntarily performing an awful dreamlike parody of the things they say their lives are like alone in private. Look at me. I completely get it.

part of the reason this is such a bitter pill to swallow is because feeling like a fetishistic creep is a visceral and common part of closeted transness. i read about people who felt the exact same ways i did, except they had the capacity for redemption-- they were what they were so afraid of infringing on the whole time; i, of course, do not have this possibility. i will be a creep forever, reading story after story about people who feel just like me-- but who, crucially, could change.

i think it is better for everyone for me to stay like this in my pretty headspace bedroom and in our blog nobody reads. "cis people who want to be their own gender but trans" are not looked upon kindly anyway, and i specifically have tangled the idea of transness into my heart so deeply that i relate to things in a way that could only be horrifically inappropriate for anyone who wasn't trans in that specific direction. i am so easy to hurt and such a liability socially that there's no way i SHOULD be barging into (invading, haha) trans spaces of my gender when that could only ever end in tears. but i want to. achingly, shamefully, condemningly i want to

#txt #again this is literally just more yapping as if someone will bestow on me a Good Grade in Being Trans In My Heart #i used to be able to keep this shit in our notes app but whatever now i NEED the feeling of knowing someone has seen it #...not that that's helping really! #like. i cannot imagine that my attempts at obscuring my identity and thus what is going on here are remotely successful #which means most likely you all fucking KNOW what my general baggage is and have not in fact bestowed a Valid Fake Trans badge on me #Likely because that is an insane thing to demand but also because like. i dont deserve one. #i need to just quit it and stop worrying everyone but i cant bury this shit anymore. it hurts too much. SOMETHING has to give

[arundolyn]

hot(?) guilty gear take:

danger time is fun and not nearly as bad a mechanic as some people like to claim. they're just salty when they lose to it

#crow.txt #like its a really hype mechanic. its fun to watch and tbh never bugged me that much to experience #granted i didnt go to tourneys ever but like #idk. both opponents are given the same things. is it kinda a reaction time game? certainly. but thats like all of fighting games #idk why its so Irredeemably Awful to a lot of players who probably never even play in tourneys they just like regurgitating the same things #repeatedly forever bc its the internet and predominantly reddit #even if the argument is that some matchups are skewed unfairly (like slayer pilebunkering repeatedly) i mean.... yeah? thats like #the fucking crux of fighting games. its not specific to danger time. you can make that argument about literally anything #you could make that argument about certain overdrive mechanics in blazblue #i can see how it would be frustrating in a tourney but if youre getting THAT big mad about losing this specific way then.. man idk #is it that different than being beaten normally. not really #the real unspoken bullshit mechanic is being able to instant kill functionally whenever you want. THATS the tourney killer #its unrealistic in the vast majority of scenarios but like... at least with like every other game. blazblue and unib #you have to EARN it at least a little. yeah the consequences of whiffing are major but also with stun in xrd it can be easier to land #even when someone is a huge dick about astralling me in blazblue i dont get nearly as tilted about it as i would #at getting hit by a bs instant kill setup like first round in xrd. are you kidding me. holy shit #at least astrals have to be match point. you literally Do have to earn it. unib you yourself have to be half dead rather than the opponent #being able to instant kill just Whenever feels so much cheaper #getting off my soapbox for an opinion nobody asked for. even tho strive damage is already crazy insane #danger time was a fun mechanic and idk a danger time mod might be funny. never seen anything quite like it but thats true of a lot of gg #only guy on earth who misses danger time apparently

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[kn11ves]

hey so after hearing an utterly horrific pronunciation of the word "nahuatl" that scared me straight out of my native skin ("nah-wah-toll", he said) just as a pointer whenever you read a nahuatl word the ending "-tl" is pronounced sort of like a hiss with a tongue touching the roof of your mouth? its not nah-wah-toll, its not even nah-wah like a lot of mexicans believe, the "tl" sound comes from the way you push air through your mouth from the back of your throat

the way i figure how to make the "TL" sound is to put your tongue on the roof of your mouth. now, without removing your tongue from the roof, try making the sound of an "h" with a mouth halfway closed. you should feel the way the air blows through both of your cheeks and comes out sounding like a lisp-sound. thats the point! the hiss definitely sounds like a lisp. you may need to practice this a bunch to get the sound right

there isnt an phonetic equivalent to "tl" i can figure how to write out for you because "tl" is a sound of its own. you have to say na-hua-TL its already written the way its supposed to be read! the only problem is that people do not know how to pronounce the "tl" sound and will make approximations which i know its tough but it is wrong (though ill take nah-wah over NAH-WAH-TOLL)

this is a YT shorts of a man saying "nahuatl" and different nahuatl words and how theyre pronounced

this is a 7 minute video of a man who guides you on HOW to make the noise "tl"

some reminders while im at it:

-we are not aztecs, we do not speak aztec. we are native mexicans (most of us. im not speaking about immigrants to mexico obviously) and most of us who speak an indigenous language speak nahuatl, so we may call ourselves nahua or descendants from the mexica

-though not everyone speaks nahuatl, there are 68 different indigenous ethnic groups in mexico we have. variety.

-certain dialects of nahuatl spoken in michoacan or just southern mexico for example may choose to prefer the "T" in nahuatl words and pronounce say ahuacatl as "A-wah-cat" or maybe prefer the "L" sound and say "A-wah-cal". it really depends

-(pet peeve but) AXOLOTL is "ah-sho-lo-tl" and not "axe-ah-loddel"

-no u are not saying the word in english and therefore are going to pronounce it like a yank

-if you can say rendezvous like "ron-deh-vu" and not like "ren-des-voos" then you can say nuahuatl words the way theyre meant to be said!! our language has gotten so eroded and the only way we can keep it alive is by trying to say things as theyre meant to ok

#nahuatl #..now if duolingo had nahuatl or purepecha to study instead of klingon or valyrian thatd. thatd be dope😔 #anyways i need to get off my ass and learn purepecha thats what i need to do #most of my meger studies have been towarss nahuatl becous its easier to find info but i just sometimes get annoyed at how inconsistent #everything is man i gotta actually go to somewhere where they Speak It. #after a couple of conversations with my family im quite sure we have a strong purépecha line and it realy makes me feel bad in my stomach #that i havent attempted #to learn purépecha as mch as i should have #im aware i probably also have a lot of mexica blood from perhaps my fathers side alrhough im not too sure and well i cant ask but as much #as i can tell his side Has been from tijuana meanwhile my grandmother and my uncles and aunts moved when they were young from their ranch #michoacan to tijuana so i mean. maybe i can see what peoples were in tijuana though that would be just making a lot of assumptions abt my #fathers side where i dont have any information and its not like im going to track him down to check. literally whatever i really need to #check my purépecha roots though someone hit me witha pan #if anuone has any mexican-native wuestions u can ask and ill try to answer to the best of my abiltiies

[stonerzelda]

ah fuq i did not factor in canadian prices for that. Special edition arzette collection uhm. So much for the idea of quitting my job soon to look for others again lol

#i shouldve known like when the price came up being. like way more affordable lol i was like um sick #but theb i saw the actual transaction number in my bank account and uhhhhhhh i mean itssss. not Devestating but. i would not have done it 🧍 #and yeah im basically getting really sick and tired of the bullshit of working at this place like i keep trying to just press on #cuz it was NOTTTTT EASY finding a job AT all not even a LITTLE bit for the LONGEST time #but its literally so fckin uncomfortable when your coworkers dont like you and your boss is a bit of a dick lol! #like i get in shit for Every Single Tiny Little thing i ever do wrong #and i still have an assload of other training to eventually learn but they 'dont trust me' to teach me yet #its just weird and im over it but at the same time i cant just quit cuz 'um i dont like it <3' #i need income very very very very very Badly. like VERY badly especially now #its just so fucking stupiddddd im tired of feeling like an idiot and like NOBODY wants me there man

[munamania]

something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.

#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love #what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it #why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties #of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often #so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk #and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore #i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them #. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec #but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd #but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE. #OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL. #and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness #but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart. #this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it #that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too #and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch #now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it. #because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do #something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope #and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude #this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post #ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting #all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#oof. it as been a very very long day. so much talking. all day talking and interviews #and so far my feelings are mixed. bc it is a smaller university and its underfunded and cost of living is kinda high #and the town is small and isolated. HOWEVER #the faculty feels like a strong community and theyre all amazing scientists who choose to b there bc the quality of life is so high #they seem extremely supportive and the fact its small means that i could probably get around better given my intense anxiety around driving #and i could literally just walk to hiking paths rather than having to drive way out. and its fucking so beautiful. the clouds r gorgeous #bc theyre all conpressed by the mountains around this lil valley. also the potential advisor seems amazing. the grad students have good #things to say and hes excited that im interested in the things im interested in. and i talked to an astrobiology guy and he was like u #should apply for X grant and i would b happy to help u and the advisor is a former nasa post doc so he has nasa astrobiology connections. #so those r some pretty great things. i mean. of the schools im looking at this one would prob be the best for my brain tbh #i mean the uk one is too rigid in structure and i cant fuck around so much as at a us school. and the east coast on is hard to say no to bc #its a good school with lots of funding and opportunities to b creative but i would have to hard core get my shit together and hes quite #hands off. and id b living in the city which sucks. so like. i mean this school is kinda looking like the best choice for me. definitely #the healthiest. i mean assuming i dont fuck it up and get the offer after this weekend. but yeah. i mean im not fully in love i think #and the idea of commiting to 5years here is terrifying but id get a lot of support that i dont think ive really ever had. not that my #current boss isnt great but our lab is kinda disconnected. and i really fit in perspective wise in my interests. and id get to work at #[redacted] national park. which is so cool that i might have to unredact it if i end up here bc its so fucking next level #not that the national park i have access to now isnt awesome but. like its next level awesome and i could maybe wiggle may way into maybe #some arctic systems and i bet i could get my current boss to send me desert samples. so yeah i could def see a life here #but fuck i dont want roomates with all my heart. y does it have to b so expensive for a trash apartment? bleh #god. im so tried. so much talking. but a good day. and im going skiing tomorrow bc like thats a thing here lol #unrelated

[carpathxanridge]

just realized i had a fully vegetarian day of eating without trying, which i’ve probably done before but this is the first time i feel like i actually got enough protein too without being like intentional about it. im pretty excited even though it wasn’t all vegan, one meal was and the other wouldve been easily veganize-able if i had vegan cheese. and like as someone who used to be such a picky eater i had a list of foods i’d have to introduce into my diet before being able to even THINK about eating vegan, it’s exciting to see i’ve done enough of that introduction that i can have a day of low-effort eating that’s unintentionally vegan-approaching. like i forget how limited my diet used to be until i actually examine what my current diet looks like and go whoa i wouldn’t have eaten like 2/3rd of this even just a year ago lol. and tbh i dont know if i ever intend on going fully vegan but my goal is to limit myself to maybe cooking with meat and/or dairy only once or twice a week, and the only animal product to keep a staple would be eggs (i want to have my own chickens.)

#unfortunately it’s too easy for me to fall into an orthorexic mindset and trigger unhealthy restriction and binging #and i know vegans say ‘veganism isnt a diet it’s a lifestyle’ but #it’s really not lmao it quite literally is about what you eat and ‘diet’ doesn’t mean ‘fad diet’ or ‘weight loss diet’ #it’s just what you eat and unfortunately changing it drastically can b triggering #which is why for now i’m focused on slow #sustainable dietary changes #and an additive mindset of trying new vegan dishes #or introducing ingredients that ive been picky about that are vegan staples #rather than eliminating meat or dairy #maybe once i have a larger repertoire of vegan meals and find it easy enough to meet my protein needs #then i can start deliberately limiting my animal product intake #but also i think about i forget who on radblr has this stance but basically #the idea that veganism shouldnt be encouraged to women because so many of us already have iron deficiency and are more prone to it from #our periods and as women are also more likely to have histories of disordered eating #and are more prone than men to a feeling of individual moral responsibility and guilt #which i think is an interesting argument i do kind of agree and it’s why i dont feel the immediate pressure to go vegan even as some #of my vegan friends guilt me lol #like im sorry im gonna prioritize my health #but i do agree that ULTIMATELY a diet LOW in animal protein is most supportive of physical health even with the above considerations about #anemia and women’s protein needs on their periods #like yes those are good reasons to be critical of some of the popular high carb unsustainable vegan influencer diets #but a diet of mostly plant based protein sources with minimal animal based protein where iron absorptionis a concern is ultimately going to #be more supportive of ur general health than a diet high as high in red meat as the standard american diet #anyways those r my thoughts lol idk where i was going in these tags

[strwbrymlkshake]

finished my normalcy phase returning to the horrors

#mine #HELLO HELLO whats up yanchamps i am insane again once more god bless. feeling like a yandere prophet returning to his followers #i havent been experiencing The Horrors quite as much still been having ups and downs but normal otherwise #but my brain has been tormenting me a lil bit so i figured i might as well post about it #so i got confessed to recently and my brain exploded out of my head onto the wall and it was like ketchup and everything #brain is unable to process it bc it was from a guy i am not 100% yandere insane over (yet?? maybe?) and its probably not the best decision #since i am not mentally stable or sure about it and other factors. but we are still friends he is very swag and cool i think and enables me #and my yanderism which i post ever so slight morsels of from time to time on main #i mean like it is what i asked for technically? to be loved? cherished even!?!? to be cared for?!?? #yet i still am fixated on a guy who treats me like a crumb. sad. literally that one meme #i cannot control which man my brain dissects daily why does it have to be the one who doesnt care about me bruh istg. i mean its not rly #romantic i am just more fixated on him than others? theres way more to it but only so much can be explained in tags. and both these guys #are too old for me anyways. hell on earth. well thats an excuse for me to try and improve more i guess before i rush into anything. #it really sucks that ive waited so long for a serious relationship and everyone who wants one is too old anyways. and those who DONT want #one. well i dont want them they are not committed to the yandere grindset #im getting way better at not being super sick in the head or making rash decisions but those were just some things annoying me<3

[forest-from-the-trees]

.

#i literally just said i hate having realizations about my gender but also im gonna elaborate cause i feel like talking about it #i really do hate it though it makes shit so complicated #cause its tied so significantly to sexuality for me u know? #i dont really know how to explain it but i think i could like any gender romantically but while i liked them #my gender would be what their gender was #so like if i was with a girl im a girl #nonbinary person im nonbinary #if it could even be a man? i would be romantically attracted to them as a man or maybe transmasc #girl what does that MEAN #like my current partner is bigender and im obviously not but they are quite feminine and present in a feminine way so #im totally fine with being like aw we're both girls <3 cause like #yeah! we are! i also happen to be her boygirlfriend girlboyfriend nonbinary partner but also sometimes i am just her girlfriend #gender is so fucking fluid and for my autistic brain that is SO difficult to deal with sometimes cause there are just absolutely no rules #its mostly the men side of things thats so goddamn confusing especially mixed with the fact that ive found that im very much aro spec #its just so frustrating and i hate thinking about it #like ok men are pretty girls are pretty people are pretty what the fuck do you want from me

[nagdabbit]

ive never had to be a bouncer at a funeral before

#this whole thing has been so wild and not at all what im used to #weve known this was coming for a long time and we had a funeral fund donation jar going for quite awhile #and she made us get all our sad out forever ago—which didnt work mind you cuz im crying every time im alone #and anything the jar cant cover she had her own savings for literally this #but i guess ive never lost someone ive been *actually this close to* before and im not used to funeral and sendoffs where people like #actually get a choice in it #my parents had their plots and the chuck they wanted #and everything else was up to us #and i know if she didnt have us shed be buried somewhere with a rock that has a name thats not hers and hymns and a priest #and this isnt something new #but jesus #how many people have i buried without giving them the proper send off #like how many people have i buried without giving them what they wanted #anyway i had to kick her parents lit of the funeral and it was really satifying and i feel guilty about that which is a me problem #i just needed a place to like talk shit out so i dont ruin today cuz were supposed to be smiling and laughing #and its not about me #but just cuz i know that doesnt mean my brain has shut up about it #its just been a lot and she said sorry about it like two weeks ago and she didnt fucjing NEED TO so i could just #shut the fuck up #and im going to #i just needed to put it somewhere so its not in my head anymore

[lunarr-stuff]

...

#there are people in my life who have hurt me alot #in the past #somehow i never could quite break contact with them #so meeting them sometimes and realizing #that they really changing for the better #gives me hope #they arent mean anymore #they are processing thier emotions properly #they dont lash out anymore #im so happy for them #i had always wished the best for them #:'')) #im just relieved they are doing better.. #they are quite literally the cause of my anxiety and stuttering #but yanno #shit gets forgiven when u ask for forgiveness #i feel better about it :)))

[pyrriax]

what if i just waited to post stuff until i've got my current three Ideas written

just post em all back to back and then sleep for a week

[ !! venting in the tags !! ]

#haunted ecosystem #haunt's feeling: a lil burnt out! been writing a bunch for literally going on four months stragiht #i mean the state of the world is NOT helping with this fact. plus also uuuuuuh trauma anniversary kicking me in the nuts rn #normally i dont mention that shit but it is def hitting me hard. we stay silly tho i'm just mega tired rn #might just designate myself a two week break again and relax a lil. i've been on a like. kinda drawing kick? i hate drawing though #i really wanna just watch another pov of outsiders and just think abt silly aus. i love coming up with stuff for wtds but ALSO i just. wa. #lotta thoughts. words just arent quite working! #we're approaching the final stretch and so much of this is so specific in my head that i don't wanna mess it up #also like this one stupid comment that wasn't even mean is just eat at me and i wish it wasn't lol #usually the comments are just funny but like. idk. it was a neutral/negative thing and was the first response i heard abt that chapter #which sucks! i love chapter 20! it was half the fucking reason i wanted to write wtds! #i wanted to share what lead up to that :( i wanted to share the story and the everything and just. ugh. #that stupid comment had me rethinking posting it. which. sucks. #rsd hits like bricks when you aren't mentally prepared for negative feedback #uuuuuuuuh #sorry i just. needed to say it #sorry for venting in tags </3 #ok yeah my words are just giving up on me im gonna just close my laptop and go do. something #maybe just watch some streams and remake my bed. #that reminds me i really should stop sleeping on the floor. that's more mental energy than i have rn though so. #i guess i'll change the sheets and see how i feel. not being on the floor would probably be a good idea #ok im just gonna #added a warning in the post lol #normally i try and keep my blog light hearted!! i want to keep my blog light hearted but. sometimes its just how it is #i might end up scrapping some of the work i did because i accidentally projected some shit onto pandora that. doesnt fit ig? #it was an accident but it happened anyway #love the lines. not sure they work. #i should finish that one fic that's been rotting in my drafts. c!emduo is something i haven't written in literally a year #project on a character i CAN project on. #anyways i'm gonna post this and just. close tumblr. im tired

[readymades2002]

HRM...i woke up at 830 pm today (hold your applause until the end please thank you) and i am still in a lot of pain because of this neck issue i’ve been having but i think. hm hm hm. i finally looked up the easier path to the library and despite it being cold outside and the fact that im just generally kind of a nervous wreck i think my sleep schedule is in a place where if i stay up i could walk there and maybe sort out my card...i think that would be nice

#and if i time it right i can ask my mom to pick me up so i wouldnt have to worry about carrying home as many books as i do #and if i do this i can get a feel for what walking that is like and see what's along the way... #so if there's anything that i could apply for i know what its like to walk there...? #idk its an experience i'd like to have at some point and i might as well learn what its like to do that in the winter anyways </3 #the thing is. the thing IS. i hate being cold </3 #the thing also is that i am in an amount of pain that im concerned about but im also at a point where its like #this is what my life is like now i guess so there's no point waiting for it to get better. if this is as good as its going to be #then i might as well try to live with it anyway! #...i do think getting a bunch of things from the library right now might be silly. i really should be drawing #i mean finishing (x thing) should be EASY its just. time consuming and i need to zone out for it #and then...finishing (x other things. listen dont worry about it it will make sense soon) is okay bc those dont need to be FINISHED finished #quite yet. i still need to figure out my sketch for (x) i havent done that yet bc the first thing is taking all my mental strength #and yet at the same time ive been unable to focus on it either because from the bottom of my heart i want to be #working on literally anything else <3 #drawing for fun when you have other drawing responsibilities is like. near impossible for me right now but also necessary #because i am--dont be surprised!--losing my mind. a little eensy beensy bit. a widdle bit #the pain and the responsibilities and my own lack of discipline catching up with me...having an effect #all that and. *waves hand vaguely at everything else that is an issue but that doesnt come down solely on my ability to do something #about it so im trying not to complain about it* you know but whatever i forgot what i wassaying. oh and im working on #two different videos right now for fun because i do enjoy it even if its only for me and id love to work on those instead #but i think i have like nine hours before the library opens so thats time i should use to work on stuff and then go out as a reward #yeah....yeah you know what? that doesnt sound that bad #sorry for always putting the post in the tags im shy and being on this site for over a decade has impacted how i talk lol