#like im sorry im gonna prioritize my health

[carpathxanridge]

just realized i had a fully vegetarian day of eating without trying, which i’ve probably done before but this is the first time i feel like i actually got enough protein too without being like intentional about it. im pretty excited even though it wasn’t all vegan, one meal was and the other wouldve been easily veganize-able if i had vegan cheese. and like as someone who used to be such a picky eater i had a list of foods i’d have to introduce into my diet before being able to even THINK about eating vegan, it’s exciting to see i’ve done enough of that introduction that i can have a day of low-effort eating that’s unintentionally vegan-approaching. like i forget how limited my diet used to be until i actually examine what my current diet looks like and go whoa i wouldn’t have eaten like 2/3rd of this even just a year ago lol. and tbh i dont know if i ever intend on going fully vegan but my goal is to limit myself to maybe cooking with meat and/or dairy only once or twice a week, and the only animal product to keep a staple would be eggs (i want to have my own chickens.)

#unfortunately it’s too easy for me to fall into an orthorexic mindset and trigger unhealthy restriction and binging #and i know vegans say ‘veganism isnt a diet it’s a lifestyle’ but #it’s really not lmao it quite literally is about what you eat and ‘diet’ doesn’t mean ‘fad diet’ or ‘weight loss diet’ #it’s just what you eat and unfortunately changing it drastically can b triggering #which is why for now i’m focused on slow #sustainable dietary changes #and an additive mindset of trying new vegan dishes #or introducing ingredients that ive been picky about that are vegan staples #rather than eliminating meat or dairy #maybe once i have a larger repertoire of vegan meals and find it easy enough to meet my protein needs #then i can start deliberately limiting my animal product intake #but also i think about i forget who on radblr has this stance but basically #the idea that veganism shouldnt be encouraged to women because so many of us already have iron deficiency and are more prone to it from #our periods and as women are also more likely to have histories of disordered eating #and are more prone than men to a feeling of individual moral responsibility and guilt #which i think is an interesting argument i do kind of agree and it’s why i dont feel the immediate pressure to go vegan even as some #of my vegan friends guilt me lol #like im sorry im gonna prioritize my health #but i do agree that ULTIMATELY a diet LOW in animal protein is most supportive of physical health even with the above considerations about #anemia and women’s protein needs on their periods #like yes those are good reasons to be critical of some of the popular high carb unsustainable vegan influencer diets #but a diet of mostly plant based protein sources with minimal animal based protein where iron absorptionis a concern is ultimately going to #be more supportive of ur general health than a diet high as high in red meat as the standard american diet #anyways those r my thoughts lol idk where i was going in these tags

[ritualofthehabit]

cw for discussion of disordered eating and weight loss pls don’t read the rest if you struggle with eating disorders or feeling inferior at a larger size I’m serious

I swear 2 god the next time I complain about losing weight and some bitch is like “I should be so lucky” im straight up gonna fat shame them or some shit I swear. It’s always someone who is an average fucking size so I don’t feel bad sorry. Imma be like yeah it must suck to be so FAT askjfksjsjsj (I probably won’t but) I’m literally complaining about my POOR HEALTH which is often bc of poverty making me food insecure, don’t insert ur fat phobic bullshit like. So few ppl actually “need” to lose weight imho although many people need to stop with the Netflix laziness and exercise lol. Like you should exercise for ur health and happiness ur body literally starts craving exercise if you do a little everyday and it’s super satisfying. Most ppl who “can’t lose weight no matter what” didn’t exercise or change their habits they actually just tried like 15 different restrictive diets and gosh I wonder why it’s not working… btw being “slightly overweight” Judging by BMI (which is already a bullshit barometer of health) has been repeatedly proven to be …. Healthier than being skinny…. Almost like BMI standards are fake af…..And I’ve repeatedly registered as “underweight” bmi wise. Don’t try and like make me feel good/bad whatever about being a skinny bitch especially when I’m like “yeah losing 5 pounds makes me feel like I’m gonna die and I struggle to gain weight.” Like I’m being honest I’m not bragging. I understand that even at my “biggest” I still read pretty thin and that comes with a lot of privilege but like if I’m talking about how I feel horrible and sick every time I lose weight and how I struggle getting to a weight that feels like I’m not eating myself and fainting… wowwww maybe it’s not the time to insert ur own self hating fat phobia like Jesus!! It is not admirable to be thin!! And don’t try and frame this as something besides that it’s not. Ur not fighting body standards by aspiring to my (unhealthy) thinness. There are a ton of bigger, even Fat athletes and I’m a firm believer of health at any size (and body positivity in general being unhealthy doesn’t mean ppl should lack respect towards you duh)…. If you listen to your body and prioritize feeling good your body will adjust and that does not always mean losing weight, for me if I’m healthy and doing things correctly based on how I feel, I often gain weight. However bc I’m poor I sometimes can’t keep up with the amount I need to eat in order to exercise the way I like to, especially seeing as I have a wildfire adjacent metabolism. It’s NOT fun to budget meals in a day or try and stretch leftovers instead of eating everything you want bc ur too poor to buy fucking chicken.

[mourninglamby]

What��s your least favorite and most favorite trope in any type of media?

What‘s a topic you believe should be spoken about more often, especially mental health-wise?

omggggg ty for asking. i dont really like tropes in media very much unless theyre being appropriated ^__^ u know how ppl say "love triangle but its (lgbt, non romantic, non-white, etc)"? That's the extent of my enjoyment of popular tropes. but i am a sucker for disillusioned child figure (not biological we fuck with found family) and reluctantly protective parent or older sibling, no matter who the characters are. my least favorite ...... idk maybe ... save the world? i dont like stories where the entire planet is gonna be destroyed and some ragtag idiots save it, unless its some socio economic commentary like mr. robot (so more grounded in realism), or when its utilized to aid a metaphor like in neon genesis evangelion. goddd tropes are very complicated idk !!!

this reply is already so long im sorry idk where to even start with the second question but i know with 100000% certainty that we have GOTTTTTT to stop redeeming (unapologetic) abusers. im pretty certain that victims of abuse should be the focal point of those kinds of narratives and their journey towards healing and learning how to deal with their trauma should be prioritized WAYYYY more than trying to start a conversation about when to "forgive" abusers. its so weird and potentially damaging tbh -__-

#should i tag this #idk whatever #ty for the questions i love talking abt media despite being stupid as fuckkkk its fun

[saintobio]

The way this chapter made my heart hurt and flutter at the same time. The “Mrs. Zenin” had a nice ring dont ya think😏😏😏. Toji is so sweet to the MC and I think it’s so refreshing to watch their relationship blossom.

Gojo on the other hand😐… can still take a long walk off a short pier. It’s so ironic how he feels bad for Sera bc she feels insecure compared to Y/N. like how do you think your wife feels sir???? you barely interact with her and when you do you’re demeaning ASF. do you ever tire of being a dickhead? and idk why he just expects her to be happy-go-lucky after he comes back with a getaway with his mistress. and Ms. Sera maybe you wouldn’t feel insecure if you weren’t willingly sleeping w a married man😫😫😫

but I just live for when the MC talks her shit back to Gojo like you go girl LET HIM KNOW! i hope we definitely get to see more of her speaking her mind

This chapter was😮‍💨🤌🏽 Ai! You always come through and make my weeks worth something. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and prioritizing your health before anything. Make sure you’re eating a whole bunch and staying hydrated! Can’t wait to see what’s in store for Chap. 7!

-🧎🏽‍♀️

Anonymous said

that “mrs. zen’in” sounded real nice i can’t even lie to you 😭 felt like it just ROLLED off the tongue omfg i LOVE the dynamic/relationship of toji & mc so much 🥺

Anonymous said

The moment I read, "Hey, drunkhead" I can't help but squeal! 🤩 Their moment together was so cute I think Toji will be a great mentor to her for when she starts trudging into the business world, hands on. He's so sweet I almost wanna ship. And don't even get me started with that "MRS. ZEN'IN?!" OMG! 😍 Another cute interaction, right there!🤲🏻😌

I love it when she finally started acting cold and was so consistent with it until Gojo tried to be more affectionate 😅 I almost got swayed too ngl ('cause I'm a Gojo-simp, I'm sorry 😔). I love the pool moment and also the part where she said "you don't have to hug me" but he won't let go. Sir, I— I swear I— but then I remembered the McLaren scene 😠 and whooop, who are you again? 😀 Yep it's gonna take you more than that, sir 😌

To think that Y/N even plan on apologizing to Sera for sleeping with her own husband, girl, you're too kind you might pass through heaven and miss it 🤷🏻‍♀️—🌾

@brivetaroundtown said

AHHHHH YN SHOULD BE MRS TOJI. I don’t give a shit what Gojo promised when he was six, he told Sera the fuckin truth, that YN would never have him. but jokes on Sera she’ll never have him either

I want more of MC being calm and truthful. Gojo deserves to suffer.

I do think Gojo’s mom was shitty though leaving her son in that situation. Probably the reason he is such a jackass now.

You’re writing is amazing and I am so emotionally invested in this story

Anonymous said

gosh i feel like if mc got fed up and leave assh*le gojo he would have the same nightmare he has when his mom left him, theres huge possibility possibility that he would be mentally ill due to the stress n all that drama 😔

ON THE OTHER HAND MR TOJI ZENIN THOOO 😍 (literal heart eyes when i read his part 💕) MRS. ZENIN? YES PLSS 😙🤲 (personally would leave gojo dumbass any day now for toji 😋). TOTALLY WANT TO HAVE MC HAVING A MOTHER N SON RELATIONSHIP WITH bb boy megs😌, like he would treat her like a 2nd mom n all (gojo would be totally jealous like "why cant we have our own 😔" then mc be like "suck to be u then, i aint gonna be ur baby momma 🤪) toji x mc (with bb boy meg) = happy family 💗👪

that b*tch sera 🤢 tho im so pissed at her like wtf girl ur the mistress i just wanna 🔪🔪🏃‍♀️😤

i have a question regarding gojo's mom 👉👈, does she have a deeper reason why she left gojo with his sh*t abusive father 🤢. i like her tho she seem cool

and the last part where gojo told mc about the promise they made when they were 6 about a baby? im in confusion 😞

sorry for the wack english hehe 😜

-🍄 anon

MRS. ZEN’IN !!! it does sound nice sdnsj imagine how gojo feels when he hears that lol mans not gonna like it 😭

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not #🌾 anon #🍄 anon #🧎🏽‍♀️anon

[johnbroutledge]

fyeahbuddie >>> kelly-severide

rambling about fandom/the future of this blog under the cut.

first things first, cause i know it’s gonna be a question: no, i am not leaving 911 fandom. i still love the show and i will still be talking about it and creating things for the fandom. 

that being said, a lot is going to change.  to be completely honest, i haven’t been happy with my tumblr in a while. i’ve been doing a lot of stuff because i feel like i should, because i think it’s what people want, and not because its what nikki wants and it’s high time i quit doing that. i’m a people pleaser by nature and i genuinely would rather be miserable myself than upset or disappoint other people, and honestly, that attitude re: fandom is making me hate it. 

i’ve put a lot of pressure on myself in this fandom. i felt obligated to gif every new episode and to liveblog and to keep everything up to-date as best i could. i reblogged everything i was tagged in without question, even if if was something that i maybe, personally, wasn’t all that interested in. even when i’d already reblogged 15 of basically the same thing, even when people who don’t follow me and have never spoken to me started tagging me in things and never interacting with me otherwise. i took every single request. i never wanted to be the person who said no. 

i was miserable. 

i literally measured out every single post i made, did i post enough 911? is that too many posts about other fandoms in a row? did i an answer an ask in a way that could possibly upset someone? am i taking too long to respond, will people think im an asshole who ignores them? 

it was around christmas i guess, i was sick as fuck with covid and i was in bed, going through multiple daily panic attacks about my health and rather or fucking not i needed to be in the hospital, and still beating myself up about the fact that i hadn’t made gifsets, that i realized how awful my experience had become. 

don’t get me wrong, y’all, please, i love every single one of you. i am so fucking eternally, crazy grateful that 900 of you decide to be here everyday. but i can’t do this anymore. 

as some of you know, ive been struggling with writers block and it’s one of the big things that i’ve wanted to work on getting through this year. the thing that got me through covid and christmas was this incredible special outer banks fic idea that @daisiesandmoonlight and i have built, that i love so incredibly much, but i literally have talked myself out of even trying to write it because i felt like my first fic back into writing had to be buddie. 

i’m over that too. so, here’s how the future looks for this blog. 

-this blog is multifandom. completely. it will no longer be 99% 9-1-1. i will still be posting/talking about, and creating things for 911 fandom, but it is no longer my sole priority. my interaction will probably go way down as incorporate my other fandoms in earnest.  -i will be making gifs, but when i want to, for what i want to. i will no longer be holding myself to a strict “i’ve gotta live gif every episode” schedule. i will no longer be taking every single request. in fact, i will most likely not be doing 95% of what was in my inbox pre covid. i just, i don’t have the inspiration for it. those of you who have asked for requests via discord, i will still be doing yours for sure.  -i will not be reblogging every single thing im tagged in, if it’s not something im personally into, if im overwhelmed or i feel like there’s just been too much going on, i won’t be reblogging. im sorry, y’all. i really am, i love you and i love being this positive light who always hypes people up, but my tags are insane, especially on show nights, and it’s honestly too much a lot of the time. -if it inspires me, im going to let it. if that means i post 8 gifsets from one fandom in a row, or my first fic back into writing isn’t buddie, that’s okay.  -i will be adding admins to @thebuddielibrary to help take the stress off there. hopefully that is a positive growth for that blog as well <3 -i will continue to be a positive blog in all my fandoms. i will still not be interacting with drama or ship wars or ship or character bashing. that isn’t me and it’s not the vibe i want to cultivate on my blog. 

basically, i’m prioritizing my own self for once. i’m cultivating a blog that makes me happy. i don’t know what that looks like yet, honestly, but im going to find out. and i love all of you, but if you no longer want to follow me, i completely understand. you’ve all gotta shape your own experiences too, and i get that. 

in short: this may not be my final form, but it is my first evolution.  thanks for listening guys. and thanks for being here. tagging some mutuals so maybe i wont get lost. 

@ashavahishta @maygrant @taylor-kelly @briinstardust @sopheliza25 @bvckleydiaz @burzekbrettsey @gilbxrt-blythe @selenaurrr @matan4il @tylerhunklin @deareddie @doctornineandthreequarters @buttercupbuck @hennwilson  @siriuslyjamie @tarlosbuddie @whattarush @evanbuckleyed @evaneddie @herodiaz @nymika-arts @firefighter-diaz @maurawrites @malikjavaddzayn @captaincasey 

im sure i forgot someone so please signal boost this!!! 

#important #url change #nikki please shut up #nikki.txt

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

Hey Sunny.........I am having a major burnout.....just full on academic frustration and I want to cry because I did my second and third exam for the sem finals so terribly. I have never ever written an exam this bad.....I was the topper of my class throughout 11th and 12th grade and now I feel like I am being stretched in all directions and I feel so fucking hopeless sometimes. Lots of things happened to me last year and well.....I wasn't given time to process....to grieve or mourn or just fucking cry out loud at all.......I am just feeling so fucking sad and I feel so dejected at myself. As much as I wanna ask for help, I feel weak because the culture that surrounds me bashes a person who dares to ask for help in the first place. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry until I just fall asleep from crying because God knows how long I have been just repressing all sadness in me just so I can be seen as the 'jovial' kid. I am so frustrated and mad at myself because I feel like I will never recover for whatever has happened to me and that I will never get to live my life the way I want......ya know be queer and free and live as such. Sorry for the rant, I just didn't know who to talk to.

- ❤️ anon

Hey bub 💕 first off, you have no reason to apologize. I always love when you show up in mg inbox :) im sorry that you're going through such a rough time rn. It seems like a lot of stuff is happening at once which os making it difficult for you to cope and function, and i am so sorry for that. I'm not the best at giving advice, but hopefully my past experiences can ease your pain:

I was depressed throughout college. I was away from home, i was living in the basement of my conservative aunt and uncle's house, i lived off campus so i didn't make any friends or join any clubs. I was so unbearably lonely and sad that i often cried once i was alone. Ofc there were happy times, but it was a very stressful three years of my life. It's not easy, there's a lot going on that can cause burnout, but it's important for you to prioritize your health over your grades. Ik it's easier said than done but you have to do it. Turn off and put away all school related items. Take some time to breathe and just let yourself meditate and clear your mind. Take a nap if you want to. Your brain is struggling to keep up with everything, you have to let it rest. Make a recipe that reminds you of the past and brings back happy memories. Watch a comfort show. Talk to family or friends that make you feel better. Just gove yourself some time to decompress bc you will not be able to continue studying if you are still overwhelmed.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret: it doesn't matter if you fail. It doesn't matter if you do terribly on your exams and fail a class bc you can always take it again. The funny thing about university is that it feels very important but it's similar to high school in that no one cares about your grades as long as you have a degree. There was one class i took that i got a 1.5 GPA on, and the only reason i passed the 1.0 GPA requirement for it was bc covid made learning remote so i was essentially able to cheat on my last exam sksksk. But i never think about that class a year after graduation. It has no effect on my day to day life. It will never affect me in the future. I have my bachelor's degree and i have a plan for the future. Life moves on.

But maybe you're just scared of the idea of failure in general, but everything happens for a reason. I was devastated when all of my vet school applications wete rejected. I felt like a failure and that i wasn't good enough and never would be good enough, but if that had never happened then i wouldn't have all the experiences i have today. I wouldn't have a new job that i love and i may not have made improvements in my life. Your failures give you opportunities to learn and grow, and you can make more informed decisions with your newfound knowledge. It's still scary bc you still fear failure, but now you have experience to look back on and reference when in a similar situation. Think about what worked and didn't work for you on your exams. Is there any way to talk to your professor about them? Perhaps you could go over your strengths and weaknesses to find out what you need to work on for your next tests. Idk what country you're in but many professors enjoy when students are passionate about improving upon their grades, so it wouldn't hurt to reach out and ask for help.

Ik it's hard, but you need to allow yourself to be weak. You need to allow yourself to cry until you're exhausted. Crying helps the body release excess chemicals, including those that stress you out like cortisol. Ik it's difficult, but you need to let this biological process happen so that your body can rebalance itself and function properly. The longer you push it down, the harder it will be on your brain and body. So just cry. In your pillow, in the shower, in public: wherever you want. Just let it out. Let yourself feel those feelings. Here's a good graphic to help you do that:

If it's any consolation, I've felt the way you have before. I've felt hopeless and awful and i convinced myself i would never be happy. Just last year i believed people who called me a narcissist, manipulative, a psycho, pathetic, a gaslighter, etc etc. I hung onto those words and convinced myself that i would never be happy bc i didn't deserve it.

Well guess fucking what, i am happy skskks. Im lucky enough to be able to attend therapy and i worked on things with a therapist and with this hard work and time gone by, im better. Im happy. I felt hopeless but i kept on living and now im experiencing so many new an wonderful things! I would've never guessed i would've been this happy a year or two ago, but i am. Sometimes it just takes time. Life will continue despite how stuck you feel, and you will move past these life events and you will smile and you will laugh and you will be able to breathe without struggling not to cry. You need to allow yourself time to heal and grow. Be patient with yourself. You are not perfect, you are human, which is much more exciting than perfection in my humble opinion. If i was there i would give you the biggest hug, squeeze you tight and rock you side to side and let you cry. And once you've gotten it out of your system, I'll make you some food. Maybe broccoli cheddar soup with toasted sourdough. Ooo and apple pie for dessert, with vanilla ice cream. Something yummy that's definitely self indulgent sksksk.

I hope you feel better soon bubby. I hope my words help in some way and if not i apologize. If you want to talk in private, my dms are always open 💕

#ask #❤ anon

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

#anon #tw suicide #talking #tw self harm

[nothorses]

hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know.  i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)

#long post #advice #Anon #Ask

[sugaftrm]

It’s official I just have to say goodbye to sleep I guess :’) the timing of their postings is gonna make my already bad sleep schedule even W O R S E :’))

omg im so sorry you sent this at nearly 3am last night and i'm only seeing it now!!! I FEEL THAT FOR REAL. i can't even discuss the way the first night went.... i think i only slept a total of 1.5 hours so after yoongi posted last night i knocked tf out!! i hope we can all prioritize our health/life needs first and opt in to bangtan updates without feeling like we're missing out <333

#thanks for sharing with me 🥺💞

[rosesastrology]

Hey rose, i was wondering if you could give your insight on something? There's this thing that I've been working on but i think i should cut my losses, however everytime i make up my mind to Bail i get some sort of sign that i shouldn't, angel numbers, tarot card readings on my feed, and i know tarot card on ur feed aren't always super accurate but almost all of them have the exact same message: don't quit bc its gonna pay off soon, and well TikTok is governed by an algorithm so i was starting to think it doesn't mean anything, but one psychic pulled out a card and the words she used to explain it were said to me almost WORD FOR WORD for this project, and I've been seeing like religious verses prop up that i strongly associate w this project..its like logically i should quit for my own mental well being and bc i don't ever see this problem being solved but the universe is telling me to stick it out..and i don't know what to makw of this. I don't want to quit it, id love for it to work out but idk if i have it in me to see it thru and when i logically look at it, i feel like that's the decision I'd make if i prioritised myself but idk maybe im wrong.. I'm not strong believer of astrology and the like, but I'm not disbeliever either i really don't know what to make of it.

Sorry for the super long post it kinda just came out and i rambled a bit, its fine if you can't be bothered with the whole thing,sending you love either way ! 💜

I read all of it & I'm thinking a couple of things.

One is that I'm curious to know whether or not these things popped up before and if you maybe didn't notice them because they didn't apply to you. It sounds to me like you're a bit stuck between emotion and logic and that may be what's causing this. You're saying it yourself too: "logically I should quit for my mental health because I don't see this problem ever being solved, (but the universe is telling me to stick it out...) I don't want to quit, I'd love for it to work but I don't know if I have it in me."

Do you see how there's like this.. confliction in your mind? Like a juxtaposition. You don't want to quit, because you want it work out. But what I notice isn't really the fact you've been seeing signs, it's more that both your logic and emotion are based on a lack of faith in your own abilities at the moment (bold text). There is a sense of finality and a sense of hopelessness there, but you want it to work out.

And that want is very strong. It's the reason you haven't quit yet. I think it's more important than you even give it credit for, because it's stronger than your need to prioritize your mental health. So what makes this project so important to you?

I think you really desire this thing and are very attached to it, and honestly I assume you've gotten similar tarot readings on your feed before but didn't notice them because this wasn't on your mind. That want you have will latch onto every kind of affirmation it can to keep you going.

And I know most often suffering is ranked more important than projects and productivity, and that's because it's the case 9/10 times. But, if this is something that feels like it's your duty and responsibility and it's something that's really important to you—then honestly, perhaps it's worth it to keep pushing for what you'll get out of it and/or leave behind.

Alternatively, if this isn't that important of a project in the long-run, then like.. know that it's okay to give up. And whether or not you do it doesn't retract any value from you as a human being. I don't think this has much to do with astrology (tarot, angel numbers, religion, etc.), but I do often feel like these kind of divine things often get hijacked by our mind in order to confirm or appease any deeper needs or desires we have. And it's like an external faith that replaces a lack of internal faith we have in ourselves. So the faith fluctuates, because we don't have a stable foundation. And it's worth exploring where we lost that. For the record, I think both internal and external faith are equally important. But I find that if someone doesn't believe in themselves, believing in something bigger than life can comfort their worries but also creates a self-fulfilling prophecy (at least in terms of occult arts, not so much religion). They don't have a stable foundation I suppose. I've seen people fall down a black hole of spirituality because of this and it tends to somehow end up hurting them. Maybe a bit too psychological of an explanation and I'm not trying to be all psychoanalytical💀😭, but it's just my insight on it and I hope it maybe helps somewhat.

Also, be patient with yourself, even if this is why it happens. Just because you know the source of the issue doesn't mean it'll disappear overnight, and above all, it's your experience. I may very well be completely off-base👄

#answered #spirituality

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok so Camille’s an asshole on that we can all agree, but I’m really tired of people in the fandom acting like she’s just your typical annoying ex and she makes poor uwu Alec feel insecure cause fuck that. Camille was 100% abusive and manipulative but I also think she was sexually abusive too I mean seeing what she did to Simon and kissing Magnus without his consent even though he was clearly uncomfortable, consent doesn’t really seem to be an issue for her-

I feel like she definitely manipulated his fear of loneliness and not being good enough, to suit her needs. Like Magnus isn’t in the mood for sex or it’s especially triggering on a certain day, either way he’s not up for it but Camille makes him do it anyway. She threatens to leave or go find someone else who can fulfill her needs or take care of her when Magnus won’t, ‘I mean does he even love her when he won’t do this one simple thing for her?’ 

So he just lets her do what she wants, even if he’s having a full blown panic attack Camille doesn’t care or she’ll just leave insulting him saying she can’t deal with this right now and leaving Magnus with no idea when or if she’ll be back. So the next time she asks he hesitates less or initiates it more even when he’s not in the mood so she won’t leave and yeah I have a lot of emotions relating to this. and now I’m thinking about how it’ll affect his future relationships, not even talking about Alec but other people - I have this headcanon where when he got away from Camille and is healing, him ragnor and Catarina live together in ragnors cottage or somewhere away from people for awhile so Magnus can slowly heal and focus on himself and unlearn Camille’s abuse with the help of his family 

But despite what this fandom says Magnus has always been a helper and a selfless person to the point of self destruction. He’s unable to prioritise his own health and he wouldn’t be able to slow down and feel the full force of the abuse he experienced cause he feels like he’ll fall apart if he does and ‘no one wants a pathetic crybaby who breaks down when someone moves their hand too fast in his direction it wasn’t even that bad he’s just exaggerating like he always does this is why Camille doesn’t love him back’ (the ‘’ parts were meant to be strikethrough to signify Magnus’ inner thoughts but that doesn’t work on asks)

And he’s scared to get in another relationship cause he doesn’t think he’d be able to speak up for himself if they turned violent or controlling, he’s scared that if they did he’d just let them so he closes himself off from people puts these walls around him and a bright smile on his face that doesn’t let anyone think there’s anything wrong. And theres so much pain going on in the world ‘they have it much worse than him anyway’ and Magnus tries to help the best he can as he always does and he’s always there for people to lean on without any reciprocation and he’s so emotionally and physically tired and he’s not sure how much longer he can take it, almost considers going back to blackfairs bridge ‘really he’d be doing the world a favour’ but theres too many bad memories and he promised his family he would try so he holds on and then he finds Raphael and that obviously doesn’t fix everything but- I was going to continue this but it’s two am in my country and honesty it’s too long already😅 sorry for the rant it’s just a lot of emotions. Im so tired of the ‘Camille’s an annoying ex who keeps getting in the way of my favourite gay ship😠’ metas and needed to let out some feelings before I explode from my hate for Camille

UGH ANON HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE NOT ONLY A GENIUS BUT ALSO MY NEW BEST FRIEND, AN INTELLECTUAL, AND COMPLETELY RIGHT. YOU ARE SO CORRECT!!! idk if uve read my other post that i posted while i was waiting for you but we no longer have the same hat we are SHARING the hat!! i can't believe i got this ask right after i had just made that long ass rant and was in so much need to talk about this like ugh are you my guardian angel. i love you more than anyone else ive ever met

ok ok ok coherent thoughts ok i can do this. first of all THE SALT how does it feel to have vision and coherency. ppl writing camille as just an annoying ex or a bad ex or even as like "oh they both made mistakes and it ended up terrible" drives me UP THE WALL. camille was explicitly abusive, so much so that magnus CANONICALLY WAS UNABLE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM FOR ALMOST A CENTURY. and she was shown to be abusive, both in the physical sense as you have reminded us so brilliantly and in the sense that her whole "choose me" speech? like she doesn't have to literally say the words "no one but me would ever love you" for that to be exactly what she's saying. she's obviously playing with his insecurities and putting him down while presenting her as his savior, it's CLASSIC ABUSE. she was written as such a perfect to-the-book abuser that it honestly shocks me like they did that really all they ticked all the boxes. the way she immediately launched to talk about alec's mortality too, the way she was obviously trying to make them fight and draw them apart - it wasn't a jealousy thing, it is just that she's abusive and she wants him isolated so she can toy with him and manipulate him 

EVEN SALTIER WHEN THEY MAKE IT ABOUT ALEC BEING INSECURE LIKE. especially because canonically he literally watched camille kiss magnus and didn't care, which was sexy of him because i was dreading some jealousy drama or something but instead he was just like. obviously she did it to hurt you. i only care in the sense that she's a fucking bitch. we stan! 

as for how she treated him! oof i think the same thing with the same words dioajdsaoij it always circled back to "why can't you do this for me?" in and outside of sex - i mentioned that in a conversation in the comments of my other post but i think that with camille the sexual abuse was really just an extension of the regular abuse, so they bleed together and are not really separable in that sense. at every turn, he had to prove his worth, and she used his fear of loneliness both in the sense that she amplified it and made it seem like the only way to not be lonely was to be with her, and that she gave him just enough for him not to feel desperately lonely so she could string him along. not to mention, they both always go back to how magnus supposedly "owes" her, and yes, it's because of the bridge, of course, but there's also that underlying tone of "because she put up with him and gave him affection when no one else would". even when what she did was nowhere close to real affection. so it's both the bridge and the after. she could have saved him and left, but she stayed. that's why he feels he owes her, and she will absolutely use it

AND UR SO RIGHT ABOUT MAGNUS BEING UNABLE TO PRIORITIZE HIS OWN HEALTH UGH UGH UGH UGH like he has no choice for a while because she left him fucking broken and seeing the way she treats him and the amount of shit he puts up with i can only imagine how far she had to go for him to reach a breaking point and leave her for real. but as soon as he could pretend to have himself together he just threw himself out there. and i believe that he felt guilty for having catarina and ragnor take care of him when he abandoned them because of camille - obviously that's not what happened, she manipulated him into staying away from them, made his life hell whenever he wanted to hang out with them until he no longer had the energy to put up a fight to keep in contact with the people he loves, but it's what he feels that happened, and most likely what camille herself eventually started to tell him happened once they had been pulled away enough. ("you're gonna leave me? and go back to who? your little friends who tried to pit you against me from day one? they're just gonna say 'i told you so', magnus. and why would they take you back when you left them before? when was the last time you even saw them? you chose this, you chose me, and now you're gonna come back to them and expect them to welcome you with open arms? you selfish little prick")

AND RAPHAEL!!! raphael was so important, honestly, we say that magnus didn't let anyone into his heart but obviously raphael was the exception and EXTREMELY important for his healing. it's a complicated relationship because he's sort of a father figure for rapha, and as such, he doesn't allow himself to be completely vulnerable around him, because that's not "his role". but! he was the first person whom magnus let in. and they obviously know each other deeply ("i hate to see you like this" even though magnus looked completely put together to the outside eye) and are plenty affectionate ("sweet boy", the hugs, the way rapha talked about magnus with so much love and awe in his eyes and voice) and trusting (the way raphael went to magnus' loft, not his own damn clan, when he was tortured...). i know this fandom likes to pretend that they pretend to hate each other but NO THEY DON'T they are openly caring and loving with each other fucking fight me on this

anyway, my point is that raphael was the first person he allowed himself to trust, and of course, part of that is simply because raphael was vulnerable and in need and like you said he can't just stay still when he sees someone struggling. but to care for raphael eventually had to mean to open up to him and when he welcomed raphael in, he gained a new member to his family. raphael is his kid. that's no small thing. their bond goes deep and it's extremely important because again, after camille magnus wouldn't allow people to get close to his heart, because he was scared of how they could use that against him. raphael was his first, and the only reason magnus was able to open himself up for romantic love again (which was an extra step, not because romantic love is more important or deeper, but because it's specifically the kind of love that camille used against him, and thus it makes him even more scared) was because he had already been relearning trust and platonic love with rapha

rapha did him good!!! there's a reason he calls him "sweet boy" okay. and rapha cares about him and he NOTICES WHEN HE'S IN A BAD SHAPE EVEN THROUGH ALL OF MAGNUS' WALLS and he specifically didn't want magnus involved with the camille drama even when it had obviously gotten out of hand because he wanted to keep him safe and away from her!!! i want to be shot in the face!!! they love each other so much! fuck!

and also that implies that raphael knows about camille which means he might be the first person who met magnus post-camille and heard the story, which means that he might be (and probably is) the first person who was never involved that magnus opened up about this to. if that ain't some powerful and important shit i don't know what is. because part of abuse is that you can't talk about it - there's this sense of shame and guilt both from staying and from not staying more, especially because magnus canonically still feels like he owes her... aaaaa

this answer is all over the place im sorry but my point is you are correct, camille is a textbook abuser not just a shitty ex, she fucked up his head and made him unable to open up for a long time, and the first person that helped him break those walls was raphael and they LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND DEEPLY thank you for your attention

#magnus bane #shadowhunters #sh #meta #magnus bane meta #camille belcourt is an abuser #long post #ask #anonymous #camille's trash party #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them

[tartagliaxx]

thank you, lei. your reply rlly helped me a lot. the part where you said that you were proud of me and loved me made me cry. i haven't heard anyone say that they loved me or were proud of me since i was like 7 or 8. it never rlly bothered me bc well, fanfiction is a thing, but having a real breathing person say that was way different from a 2d character, so i just wanna say thank you, honestly. it's gonna be smth i save and look back on when i need it.

i was a 'golden child' when i was younger, i didn't have to study for anything but as i grow older, there's more stuff i don't understand, more responsibilities that i didn't have. everybody expected me to be the same kid but even as a kid, i disliked myself. i had issues with myself as a child and now that i'm 16, the problems with me just keep growing bigger and bigger until well, what was going to happen, happened.

life just sucks rn. i'm staying with my mom so i'm just trying be my usual self ig. it was even hard eating, like ik i have to eat, i can even feel my stomach rumbling but i just have no appetite and even if i do get some food in me, i just feel nauseous. it's honestly just ridiculous how i feel like i'm acting rn.

at this point, i just wanna get diagnosed with whatever problems i already know i have and get some pills to stabilise my mood bc just abt anything and everything just sets me on edge. i have legit no idea how long this period of mine is gonna go on for, and i have a 2 hour test for calculus tmr. why. literally why. there's a 50% chance i will break down and cry at the exam hall, i swear to god.

—sincerely, a vv grateful and guilty r. anon

p.s. sorry for my late (is it late? i have no concept of time rn) response, once again, thank you <33

i’m happy that i helped even if its just a little :)) i meant what i said then. i think you’re a very lovely person and i say this with confidence. i understand what you’re going through because that is literally me too. im just very lucky to have very kind professors now who acc help me whenever i stumble. i hope you’ll find people like that soon too. people who would understand and help you in trying times. i’m not sure how to comfort you bc well, i dont even comfort myself but it sucks that you’re feeling unwell and i wish time would flow faster for you. i believe in you darling so take it easy. good luck on your exams tho! i’m rooting for you but know that no matter what happens tomorrow, it’s okay. prioritize your health over it. you deserve at least that much <33

#˗ˋˏ°• letters from cat island •°ˎˊ˗ #˗ˋˏ°• from my darling : r •°ˎˊ˗

[sunoowrld]

I will answer the same way hehe

you're welcome, angel! please rest when you can, ok? as much as you can handle it don't get overwhelmed!!! by the way I'm fine, I hope that as you are you are not so tired too <3 FOR REAL??? MINE TOO 😭😭😭 i'm so excited that i've been counting the days, one of the best things that happened to me was meeting the boys (especially sunoo) so i'm really excited. I wanted to have some theory wow how see you around but it's alright hsbjs and yessss!!! they did so well, it only increased my hype even more with this cb all the teaser pics that have come out so far 🤧 can't wait!!!

honestly, i was going to use another mood (i love your blog and your moods/packs etc.) so i got really undecided hehe but very satisfied, your work is perfect 🛐 I'm relieved you don't mind, thanks!! I thought I wouldn't let you know just because it's something you provide but I still thought it was better <3 again thanks sweet 💖

don't worry about that i also speak a lot (maybe it doesn't seem like bcs english is not my first language, i need lessons even 😫 sorry for my english again) I'M?! YAY I won my day <333 is reciprocal ok? I love your blog as well as you, always very kind to me something I really appreciate 💖💖 I'll take care of myself, or try hehe, but I'll please do the same all right? remember to rest and prioritize your health as well as yourself ok? thanks for the concern by the way 💖 sorry if now i gave a very long answer, thanks for the tags i was VERY SOFT 😭😭😭 kisses and see you later !!!! 💖🤒

IM GONNA CRY WHY ARE YOU SO NICE TO ME T__T thank you so much, love ! ill try to rest more during this weekend hihi. also, nooo what are you talking about :(( i find youre english really great ! dont worry about it too much, okay ? i dont mind if you make mistakes here and there, english isnt my first language too. i can definitely understand where youre coming from so please, feel comfortable to speak in english ♡ also, i really admire your effort in talking in english so that you can talk to me, youre so cute :(

again, thank you for the kind wishes, love ! i wish nothing but happiness and love to fill your life – you really deserve the best ♡ ill be rooting for you so pls do your best and dont forget to prioritize your health. ily ily ily thank you so much and have a beautiful day ahead mwa 🤍

ps. read the tags 🥰

#i cant believe you sent me a long message too ☹ #just when i thought you cant get any cuter ♡ #oh i almost forgot #i havent asked for your name ! #what do you want me to call you ? ^^ #if you feel uncomfy in sharing your name #it's fine ! i can stick to endearments 🤍 #✩ inbox ! #gonesunoo 💌

[tangerinegod]

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

#anon #ask #long post #im so so sorry this is like long as shit #ill literally tell you guys everything though art school should not feel like a mystery esp if ur planning to go into it! #Anonymous

[cxgvs]

hello its me

hmm idk why i wanna write something here tho yknow i think tumblr d worded to my same gen tumblr moots ...

anyway

maybe one day when i die, my friends & family will find my blog and just /know/ you know but lmao theyre probably just gonna find my yn fics hahaha

anywayyyy back to the real reason why i wanna write here...

i find it scary im having these kind of thoughts lately i dont know if its because of my job? (maybee? its actually the only reason i see rn?) bc honestly... im doing fine in all other things..

friends? theyre okay.. we talk and meet up if this lockdown permits (yup 2021 and still in lockdown)

family? we're good as well.. im happy theyre healthy and well (hope it continues like that for a long time)

me? well.... i guess the problem starts there lol idk i keep having these thoughts bout wanting not to wake up from sleep yk lmao and it actually stems from not wanting to go to work with the role that i currently have ....

maybe im being ungrateful rn but i really feel like its not healthy for me to be in this role.. its too pressuring, gives me anxiety.. and i know im only a month in but do you really have to be in a situation longer for you to say that its toxic for you? toxic for your mental health?

honeslty idk i feel kinda bad that im prioritizing my mental health over earning like putting myself first is something so bad lol i feel so guilty about feeling this way

and i feel that im unfair bc my family is working so hard in different countries, working their asses off, literally one have to caught the virus (theyre ok now tho) but still work

and im here,,, being a fucking baby,, whining about how THIS is the worst situation that i am in lmao

but they just dont get it,,, maybe i was mentally unstable right before all this happened (my job) and now its triggering these thoughts out of me and seriously i have never wanted to feel this way, i swear.. i didnt want to feel so broken,, so weak,,, i dont want to constantly ask for help,,, show signs that im emotionally & mentally drowning,,,, its just so hard to be living this way..

i didnt even realize that I'll go to such extent of wishing i dont wake up from my sleep

but at the same time, im fucking terrified this "life" will last longer you know?

you know how in books/universe beliefs that what you want to happen will be jinxed if you keep thinking about it lmao

im so so terrified about it like,, what if i really wanna die but end up living 100 more years lol

like bitch i dont wanna live so long if im this unhappy.. i dont want this life if im just constantly insecure about everything, how im literally fucking depressed and unhealthy..

and im so fucking sick hearing about "you can change this for yourself" "live life/change your life for you" "youre the driver of this life" bullshit like BRO DO YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THAT

Like ok man i KNOW i can change my life but at this fucking moment???? i cant???? and its difficult to just wake up one day and feel inspired and be full of energy in a mental state like this???

yall r so fucking stupid if you also think depression is being so skinny, eating less, looking stressed and fuck bc depression is also the opposite.. like honestly?? i dont fucking look depressed but look at me now tho?? haha

im overweight, i dont look sleep deprived, i still eat, and i still sleep.. im here but sometimes im not here you know?

whats worse is that depression here is being so downplayed like its just "drama"& not a real fucking disease,, i have relatives who would think - they've been thru worse and that YOU feeling sad and depressed for them is just whines and worthless drama and that youre just overreacting like you dont have a fucking right to feel that way just because theyve been thru "worst" lmao ok bitch do you want a fucking "not depressed" award

well fuck im sorry my generation have to deal with your fucking trauma bc you let it out on us just because we're younger and you dont have any idea that the shit youre putting us thru is actually YOUR trauma???? like fuck

sigh

im just so tired of this unhappiness.. i miss my old self,, the better me,,, i miss my passions,, the things that make me happy,,, bc right now, i can only do so much and still feel this way..

i can paint and sing all day but it wont bring me back the same energy, the same joy it brought to me before - and i miss that...

why do i have to be this way? i just wanna be happy..

#cxgvs #personal #my words #ciarrahguevs #i feel like im dead #im alive but im dead #depression thoughts

[monstaxeurope]

HYUNGWON:  ATSTAR1  INTERVIEW

WARM HYUNGWON

The faint smile over a compliment makes him more adorable than the experience and skillfulness of someone, who debuted 6 years ago. Hyungwon and his warm smile, that make the cold winter wind go away, are back, meeting us for the 3rd time already. Monsta X, who showed us broader outlook on the world with the release of <FANTASIA X> in May of 2020, came back with an even more mature image with the release of their 3rd full album <FATAL LOVE> in November of 2020. Especially ‘Nobody else’, one of the songs on the album composed by Hyungwon, is a sophisticated pop song, which perfectly shows his musical growth. 

Besides the group promotions, his participation as a DJ in many festivals and continuous music activities are nicely reflected in the 3 minute and 3 seconds long song. We met with kind and warm Hyungwon, who will show us an even wider music spectrum in the future, prioritizing Monsta X over individual activities even after years of piled up experience. 

Not sure if it's because we filmed with products you use in your daily life, but I think we got a lot of natural expressions on tape.

HW: I had dry lips since I was young. That's why I use Burt's Bees Lip Balm in my daily life too. I'm glad that we could film this together. I also find it fascinating(laugh). 

Congratulations on your comeback. Since it's a full album you must have spend a lot of time on it, please recommend one of the songs you like the most. 

HW: Personally, I want to point out ‘Sorry I'm not sorry’. It was nice we could let people listen to a calm and comfortable song after showing strong and performance-focused stages all the time. It's a song that once again proved how well our voices match with a song like this too, so I really like it. 

What would you say is the killing point of ‘Love Killa’?

HW: Every part has a killing point. Should I say the members' restrained sexiness? In my opinion the killing point might be how we're all covered but the overall vibe of the song has a sexy feeling. 

You released your 3rd full album <FATAL LOVE> and your self-composed song is included for the first time. What kind of song is ‘Nobody Else’?

HW: The topic of the song is ‘perfume’. When you first spray a perfume there's a strong fragrance but it gets weaker over time. I compared the fading scent of a perfume to love. Actually, love wasn't the only message I was trying to convey, I wanted to include wider meanings, like relationships between people or relationship between a fan and a singer. It's the same in human relationships, you naturally become distant with time. But I didn't want that to happen to me. So I wrote this song with ‘I wish the strong fragrance from the start stays the same all the time’ in mind. 

Different from the EDM you did before, you presented pop this time. Was there anything new you learned while composing?

HW: I tried different things and really thought about it a lot. And that's how I naturally broadened my knowledge on different genres. I worried a lot about how to write the lyrics so my sincerity will get conveyed perfectly. I listened to a lot of foreign songs and did a lot of studying on melody and lyrics writing. 

Was 'Nobody Else' written exclusively for this album?

HW: It's a song that was in the making since our last album 'FANTASIA X'. But at the time I didn't like the song as much yet, so we couldn't include it in the album. We put it on the tracklist now after making changes and fixing it a bit. It was my first time writing a song for our members, so I felt like I will regret releasing it, if I'm not completely satisfied with it. So I didn't want to release it until I got to the point "this is it". That's why it took longer. 

Did you ask your members for advice?

HW: I often let them listen to the song. Rather than just appearing in front of them with "ta-dah!" I wanted to get a lot of feedback from them first, since it's a song we were all gonna sing together. I looked for advice from IM and Joohoney a lot because they also write songs. As for Minhyuk, Shownu and Kihyun, I asked them to give me feedback from a singer's point of view. 

It must have felt fresh including your song, that all the members sang, in the album.

HW: I thought about which member will sing which part since the very beginning. Sure enough, they really pulled it off as they started singing. So I was even more satisfied. 

Do you feel like the song was completed according to the plan you had in mind from the beginning?

HW: Of course. I'm satisfied. I have no regrets because they expressed the song just as I imagined it. 

In the past interview you said you compose in your free time. When you listen to a song do you focus more on the melody and genre than on the lyrics?  

HW: Everything is important. No matter how good the melody is, if the lyrics are bad, there's no charm. Same if it's the opposite. That's why I kept modifying both the lyrics and the melody. But if I have to choose one, I concentrate on the melody just a little bit more. 

It's interesting how you chose perfume as main subject of your song. 

HW: It's easier to write a song if there's a certain topic. If you just try writing it without it, it's like beating your head against the wall. It was hard lyrics-wise too. While thinking how to start, this perfume characteristic popped up in my mind. I thought about the feelings I get when I meet someone and how I treat them. After choosing this as my topic, I explained my feelings to IM. He took my explanation and wrote a well-fitting rap out of it. I was so thankful. If it wasn't for IM's rap, I think my feelings wouldn't have been conveyed perfectly and I probably wouldn't  be this satisfied. As for the rap part, it felt complete right away. 

You must have felt proud when the subject suddenly popped up in your mind.

HW: 'Ah, this is it' was my first thought. Haha. For example, I'm sitting on a chair for 5 hours straight trying to plan out a song. After the subject pops up, it's a smooth ride, it's easier to collect my thoughts and time passes by quickly too. There's this feeling of joy when it starts going smoothly and all of a sudden those 5 hours of just sitting down, waiting for THE moment, are worth it. 

Do you think you and the members have improved in anything with the release of 3rd full album?

HW: Yes, and I feel more attached to this album since I wrote one of the songs by myself. Our members' opinions are reflected in the album a lot, so I feel thankful for that too. It's the reason I feel proud and really confident about this album. This is where I feel we've made improvements. 

Your MBTI(Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) is INFP. This type's characteristics are a passionate mediator, introvert and a romantic (person) with strong beliefs. Does that apply to you?

HW: I think it's right. I'm INFP's prototype. Haha. I got goosebumps, really. If you look at INFP examples' tendencies, it all sounds like me. I can really relate to it. 

Do you have your own belief? 

HW: I have my own line. If only you don't cross it, I can understand and forgive anything. But if you go over the line, it's really hard for me to tolerate it. There are parts others might not understand because I have my own criteria (laugh). Of course, I'm trying to find some sort of middle ground now. 

There are different types of MBTI in Monsta X. After spending time together you naturally become similar and it's probably easier to understand each other. 

HW: That's right. Each member has their own characteristics and after living together you start to resemble one another. I'm a total opposite of Minhyuk and Joohoney, especially with Minhyuk, but we have been together for so long that I came to understand him. I think Minhyuk would say the same, we naturally compromise as we go. 

You release self-composed songs and do tons of photo shoots, I feel like you're constantly building up your capabilities. Are there any activities in the entertainment industry that you haven't tried yet but you want to?

HW: I want to continue writing songs and DJ. I'm more greedy about work than you would've thought. Haha. I really want to go to <A Fisherman and the City> on Channel A. I went fishing a couple of times before and had so much fun, it was a healing time for me. Time passed so fast, I came back after looking at the bait for 10 hours straight. Oh, and one time my fishing rod broke and when people near me saw me fishing, they cheered me on and gave me advice too. The whole situation of them cheering me on reminded me of world cup so I really liked it. Because of this memory I want to go fishing again. 

You got picked as the team's visual by Monsta X members and by monbebe. Do you have a specific routine to take care of your appearance?

HW: I didn't really have a routine in the past but I recently realized I have to do something, so I started working out. I followed IM's steps and started working out and people around me already tell me I look healthier. (How long has it been since you started?) It has only been around a month. Haha. I'll try to do it consistently. My goal is not to build muscles, but to try doing it for my health. I need to be healthy to dance and sing for a long time. I'm most thankful to IM. I was able to bravely start working out because he was sincerely concerned for my health and cheered me on. 

Monsta X established a strong position in music industry as beast idols, but what kind of artist do you personally want to become? 

HW: As I've been saying for this whole year, of course it's also important to be successful, to get the best results everywhere, but I want to become a singer, who can see his fans for a long time. I want to release music consistently too. But, more than solo, I want to promote with my team for a long time. 

As years in this industry pile up you probably think and worry about the future more and more. 

HW: I rather get these thoughts and our members probably think the same. We're all passionate and greedy when it comes to music, but as you know, our society nowadays is centered around results. Everything we do is recorded somewhere. There are times we get discouraged and we almost lose our enthusiasm, but Monsta X members overcome situations like that and start working harder. And as time passes we realize it was actually not a big deal for us. I feel like I can't even take good care of all the people who love me now. Of course, I'd be more thankful if we received more love. 

Is there a goal you want to accomplish within next year?

HW: I really want to hold a concert. We also want to go on a tour with members. We released a lot of new songs and we're ready to perform them. So we feel kinda regretful, our lastest release 'Love Killa' is one of the stages we wanted to show our fans live, they would've loved and enjoyed it. I hope to stand in front of an audience again, because our team synergy gets better when we have people watch our stage live. 

I heard you're an expert on acrostic poems, would it be possible to get one for @star1(앳스타일)? 

HW: (앳): @star1 is really nice

(스): I feel like I became a star

(타): Invite the rest of the members too

(일): They are friends, who really like working. Haha.

atstar1magazine | Scan Reference Translation KR-ENG: Monsta X Europe

#translation #t:interview #t:magazine #pm:shownu #shownu #t:article

#translation #t:interview #t:magazine #pm:hyungwon #hyungwon #t:article