#and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

[kyndaris]

The Road Less Travelled

Released in 2012, Journey was a game that flew under my radar for a very long time. After all, back then, I was all about the lengthy video games where I went on epic journeys, rescuing princesses from castles and trying to save the world from a dastardly threat (or sometimes the universe) - usually involving corrupt gods or misguided ideals. Either way, I was usually a highly talented killer of monsters or an excellent negotiator with several select choice of weapons at my disposal. It should have come as no surprise, then, that Journey was not at all like my usual purview when it came to video games. 

But after everything I heard about it, my curiosity was piqued. And during a sale, I finally purchased the title on a whim to see what it entailed.

Journey starts with a nameless traveller looking out over a vast desert. Their goal? The glowing mountain in the distance. Familiar with most game controls, I rode my way down the sand dunes, studying ancient runes as I passed them, as I tried to find my way closer to the ultimate destination.

Many people would say that it’s not the destination that is important, but rather the journey. And that was doubly so with this short two-hour game. After figuring out most of the mechanics in the first few minutes, and being slightly disappointed that my ability to jump was predicated on having enough energy in my scarf, I began my quest of puzzling out how to get where I needed to go. Along the way, I found myself curious of the society that had existed before. Many of the surroundings told of a civilisation that had been destroyed or forgotten.

And when I finally ventured into the bowels of some ancient device (receiving my first fright from a mechanical snake-like creature), I wondered perhaps if those that came before had sowed the seeds for their own destruction. 

With how 2020 has been playing out, it was easy to think that. After all, many kingdoms have fallen due to disease or war. Honestly, perhaps it’s finally time for us here in the information age to regress back to simpler times. Truly, the way us humans have acted during this pandemic has left much food for thought. Even with tangible evidence and firsthand accounts of what COVID-19 can do, people are content to stick their heads in the sand just so they can enjoy their fictitious fantasy of normalcy. It boggles the mind, but there it is.

With how fixated governments have been on the economy, is it any wonder that so many see it more than the social construct that it is? But is it more important than human lives? What if, and I know that this sounds crazy considering the very much capitalist society we currently live in, we changed up how goods and services are distributed? You know, just until a vaccine was found?

What if there was a way to briefly centralise resources and ration supplies? What if we could provide makeshift shelter for all those that needed it and skimped a little on rent (just a little, of course...)

Alas, too inured with how society is currently run, it’s all about the reopening and living with the new COVID-19 normal. Then again, perhaps my ideas smack of those harboured by a tyrant or a dictator looking to seize power. In any case, it’s just a thought experiment. I’m sure all of the world leaders out there have given the current state of affairs have weighed up all scenarios.

At the very least, perhaps the many different nations that comprise our planet Earth will learn to take such threats seriously and have in place, a pandemic safety net in the near future. And NOT shred it to bits/ cut funding to hospitals and equipment.

But I digress. Where was I? Ah yes, Journey.

After having my precious scarf ripped twice during my subterranean adventure, I was able to regrow it again as I climbed ever upwards. Many have drawn similarities with Journey to what most individuals go through in life (with each specific area representing a part of the human condition). Whether that was early childhood (learning the controls) to our golden years (as we ascended, water-like, up the tower). At the very least, it did leave a significant impact because as soon as I was out, I found myself atop a blustery cold mountain.

It was up here that I met a fellow traveller. Though they were not the first (I think the first other traveller was AFK [away from keyboard]), they impressed me with their very detailed attire as they accompanied me through the open plains as we were hounded once again by the snake-like creatures. Twice, I was attacked and my poor scarf, which was my pride and joy, was ripped almost to nothing.

Still, we pressed on. Keeping close to each other as our energy was sapped by the unforgiving winds of the mountain. It took some doing, but we managed to get through - though my companion was unfortunate enough to get targeted again.

Before proceeding to the next area, I waited until they reappeared. Anxious to have my buddy rejoin me. They did reappear and together we navigated the windy ledges near the top of the mountain. Perhaps they were unlucky, but near the end, they were whisked away and down the side of the mountain. Unsure if they would respawn, or where, I pressed onward. The end was in sight. If I didn’t make it with my friend, then I would go it alone.

Halfway up the mountain, my steps started to slow. Before I knew it, another traveller was beside me. I know not if it was the same one, but they stayed with me until I collapsed.

And then suddenly, I was up in the sky, having reached the end state. My scarf was a thing of wonder as I floated through the air. This part was almost surreal and I loved all the different colours when before I had been limited by sand and snow and dark shadowy places. It probably meant that I was dead, but it was still a thrill to fly off into the sunset and head through the mountain pass with a friend by my side.

So ended my first playthrough of Journey. Whether or not there will be others remains to be seen. What I will say, is that I enjoyed the time I spent with it (short, though it may have been). And what I learned, again and again, was that it was the small moments that made up my time playing it that were enjoyable and fun and challenging. The goal might have been to reach the mountain, but I also liked searching for runes to increase the length of my scarf, sliding down sand dunes with the flying carpets as companions and huddling together with my erstwhile companion when met by antagonistic mechanical snakes.

Would I ever play it again? Maybe. After all, this was just a small reprieve in the smorgasbord of choice that is the releases coming out in November. Even without securing a PlayStation 5 at launch, I’ve still got Yakuza: Like a Dragon, Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, Cyberpunk 2077, Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory, Spider-Man: Miles Morales and Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel IV to get through. Not to mention the other games still sitting on my shelf/ pile of shame.

Here’s hoping I’ll be able to get through a good chunk before the world finally comes to an end. Also, shout to my dad. You’ll forever be in my heart!

#journey #video games