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obsessive-ego · 3 years

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Beetlejuice cant tie a tie

I got a little off topic, but we get to it eventually

Musical beetlejuice x reader

Nsft mentions and bonus

A day off like any other, your phone buzzes to life at 11am, you groan at the sound, but you cant sleep all day, even though you really want to. As you shift to turn off your phone, you feel the familiar dead weight, you huff.

"Beetlejuice"

Ever since you let the ghoul into your home he has made it a habbit to sneak into your bed with you, at first he would leave before you woke, but now? He just makes himself at home, claiming that your bed is so comfy and warm, and way more lovely then the couch, honestly you didnt mind, his pajamas were clean, and he kept his hands relatively to himself, and lets be real even if you protested he'd still do it, just something you got used to over time, and enjoyed, as much as you wouldnt admit it, sleeping with another person did help you sleep at night, but you weren't exactly ready to open that can of worms.

You nudge the demon

"Beetlejuice let go"

The ghoul had you trapped in his arms, wrapped tightly around your waist, as his face was buried in your hair, his legs tangled with yours, the demon was spooning.

You squirm again, this time a tad more aggressive.

"Keep wiggling like that sugar and you'll give me a boner" he groans, more mockingly then anything else.

"Let go so I can turn off my alarm and start my day" you huff

Beetlejuice tightens his grip around your waist.

"No can do sweets"

"Beej please, I need to be an adult today"

"Oh babes, you can EASILY be an adult in bed~ but fine, if you must" be dramatically let's you go fawning hurt, you simply roll your eyes as you take your new freedom and leave the bed to reach your beeping phone on the table across the room.

Following your example, beetlejuice gets up too, and with a simple snap of his fingers his black and white pajamas were replaced with his trademark suit, the ghoul straightens him self out, adjusting the jacket and tie as if he had somewhere important to be.

You couldnt help but feel a tad jealous at that, to be able to get ready for the day in a second, something like that could shave a good amount of time off your mornings before work routine.

You usher the demon out of your room stating you needed to get dressed, though he did plead to stay and help, as always, you only replyed that youd take a rain check.

Reemerging from your room, dressed and ready to enjoy your day off, you head to the kitchen to make some coffee, your morning routine was simple, normally beetlejuice would chit chat with you as you made breakfast for the two of you, but it was strangely quiet, you havent seen the ghoul since you ushered him out of your bedroom, normally this ment he was hiding and getting ready to scare you, a regular occurrence.

Now something as simple as making toast and coffee now had you filled with anxiety, why did he always do this? You know why, he thinks it's funny. Your anxiety was short lived when a little note flutters down from the ceiling in front if your face, instinctively you grab it

'Babes, off scaring, saw you got new neighbors, be back soon~ xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo'

You sigh in relief knowing that bastard wasnt gonna mess with you today, yet you couldnt help but smile at all the xs and os, corny, but that was him wasnt it.

Like any other day off you try to catch up on house hold chores, and with beetlejuice out and about you can actually get stuff done, nothing against the ghoul, hell you loved having him around, it was just hard to be productive with someone so chaotic under foot.

...

Your day off went by pretty productive, you here you were, enjoying the peace and quiet, with a cup of hot tea and a book you've been meaning to read.

"HONEY I'M HOME"

Beetlejuice appears from literally nowhere in the center of the room you were currently residing.

you nearly jump out of your skin at the sudden outburst, no matter how many times the ghoul burst into your home that way, it always startled you.

You regain yourself, and with a small laugh you sigh "welcome home B"

The tips of the demon's hair turn a soft pink, something as soft as 'welcome home' from your lips sent him, how lame, a big bad demon from hell, getting all warm and soft from just a little breathers kindness, yet, he wouldnt want it any other way.

The ghoul is quick to slide next to you on the couch "ya miss me toots?~" he cooed leaning in and making an exaggerated kissing face, you snorted out a laugh and gave him a shove.

"Knock it off B, and yes I missed you, but I was more productive without you, so~" you laugh

"OH Y/N you are so mean, you would rather me be away so you can do boring breather stuff, then have fun with the sexiest dead guy you know? How cruel" the ghoul pretends to be hurt.

You laugh again "Beetlejuice, you're the ONLY dead guy I know-"

"Therefore the sexiest" he countered giving you a wide toothy grin

"You got me there I guess" you laugh and give beetlejuice a shrug.

As the laughter dies down you notice how roughed up your friend really was, more so then usual, more dirty, shirt slightly untucked, new holes in his jacket and pants, his tie undone, loosely hanging around his neck. Yes the ghoul was messy, but it looks like he lost a fight, and hell with his powers he could clean up in a second, maybe he hasnt noticed?

"Beej? What were you up to today?" You ask shyly, you didnt exactly like to butt into what the demon did in his spare time, mostly because if he wanted to share it with you he did it with gusto.

Beetlejuice freezes for a second, the shrugs

"The usual, messing with your neighbors, why?"

You gesture to his messed up clothes

"OH, yeah, new guy down the hall fought back, you should have seen it babes-"

You sigh, not that you needed too, but you worried about beetlejuice, what if he got into a jam he couldnt get out of.

"What's up sugar?"

You flinch, beetlejuice must have caught in to your expression.

"Do you need a hand straightening up?" You mentally slap yourself at that suggestion, he can magic himself back together why would he need your help?

Glancing back up to the demon's face you swallow hard, plaster across his mug was a love sick dopey grin, his most and beard now sprouted pink patches.

"Please~" he purred, a word you rarely herd from the ghost.

You nod, slowly you start with the tie, grabbing on to the two pieces, you swear you saw the demon flinch, slowly but surely, you tie a simple tie, years of doing it for yourself for forced formal occasions, guess the info stuck.

You gently strengthen the knot, paying more attention to what you were doing, rather then who you were doing it for, if you were paying attention to beetlejuice you would have saw his wide eyes staring so intently on you, both hair and scruff completely pink, a soft smile plastered across his face.

"You know babycakes I would just LOVE to have you yank on my tie more often~" he purred

You flinch at the comment, being brought to reality by that delightful gravely voice of his, you stutter out a soft noise, unsure how to respond in your frazzled embarrassed state.

The demon continues "have ya drag me around, mmmhmmm, have my sweet little breather in charge"

You unable to think of a response, just sit in front of the demon, hands still gripping his tie, staring back at his face.

"I have to say I've thought of it often"

You DID yank the ghoul by the tie alot, to make a point and or get him to your level, him being taller then you.

"My little y/n riding me, using my tie as a leash, you being fully naked, while I'd be full clothed, sounds like fun maybe we should- urk"

That was a step too far for you, as hot as the idea way, it was till too much and too embarrassing, with a quick movement of your hand you tighten the ties knot around the ghoul's throat, as if to strangle him, not that he needed to breath, it did shut him up though.

"Harder baby" he croaked

At least you thought itd shut him up.

You let go of the tie and get off the couch, taking a step back.

Beetlejuice laughs, his soft pink hue shifting back to his default green.

"Oh sugar we done already? Not only are you kinky, you're also quick to finish" he snorts out a loud laugh.

"Cant we have one nice moment?"

"No"

You sigh, little frustrated with the ghoul's ability to ruin just about any moment, as if the ghoul sensed your mood, he was quick to jump to his feet and pull you into a side hug, you huff, still being a tad annoyed with him.

"Alright sugar, ya twisted my arm, not more dirty stuff tonight, I appreciate your help with the tie, how bout I return the favor?"

You quirk a brow, return the favour without saying something dirty? You didnt think the demon COULD do such a thing.

"Heres what I'm thinking doll, me, you, and the new neighbor down the hall, I'm gonna show you how I got messed up to start with, and play your cards right babes and I'll let ya tie me up again~" the ghoul winks at that last line, regardless of the innuendo you smile.

"Alright BJ I'm game"

The ghouls gives you a wide toothy grin

"Its showtime".

Nsft bonus

Later that night when you were dead asleep beetlejuice couldnt help but dream of you sitting on him wearing nothing but a coy smile as you rode him, he being fully dressed with his cock freed from it prison and being buried in your warmth.

You bounced up and down, yanking his tie, half for balance half cuz of the sound he made.

With a delightful dream like that, the ghoul did not last very long,

#beetlejuice x reader #muscial beetlejuice x reader #rambling

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silverjirachi · 4 years

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Do u rly 100% believe ur not a woman? If u dont mind sharing how did u figure that out? How can u separate urself from ur body like that? We r our bodies! I cant wrap my mind around it even tho I have dysphoria. Also women are the most oppressed class of people 2 this day so it seems really really stupid 2 let our oppressors claim womanhood. We r all born from vaginas. How do people ignore history & reality? Is pretending ur not who u r a coping mechanism? Wouldnt accepting ur body b healthier?

Hi there! I considered not answering this because I don’t want to fan flames or stir discourse because I don’t want other people to get wrapped up into something that is 100% about me. I try really hard to cultivate a positive, lighthearted environment in all of my online presences. But honestly your ask isn’t worded hatefully, and I think what I have to say is important and might help someone else, so I’m going to answer it. But I probably won’t answer anything else and there better not be any funny business in these notes. If there is, I would like to politely ask people not to engage with it. Please leave me, and everyone else in these notes, alone. I am writing this for me, to answer your question about me, and I’m writing this in case there’s a baby enby out there who is exactly like me who who needs to read this today.

With that disclaimer aside...,

Yes, I really do 100% believe I am not a woman. I unfortunately cannot easily explain how without falling into the traps of words like masculinity and femininity. But it’s the same as any other identity. How do you know you are a woman? Is it something that you identify with, feel a personal relationship with? Or does it ultimately only come from your body alone, and you feel absolutely no connotations or connections to it whatsoever? Did it come to you through your body? I know people who 100% identify with their assigned gender, but can’t really articulate how or why without falling into these same binaries. And I know people who 100% DON’T identify with their assigned gender and cannot truly articulate how or why. It doesn’t even have a lot to do with masculinity or femininity. A lot of our language just doesn’t have the words to describe such an internal experience.

It is true that there is a very specific type of oppression that comes with being born in a female body- or a body that would otherwise assign you female at birth. From what I can tell, that’s what a lot of this really relies on. I don’t think anyone who is AFAB and nonbinary or ftm is really denying that, at least not from my experience. I’m sure they’re out there. But we, by and large, HAVE had the experience of discrimination in some way or another because of our “femaleness-” our ASSIGNED femaleness. (Something that got thrown at me was the idea of female socialization- it’s true, I was socialized as a female bc that’s what my body “looked” like and that’s just what our society assumes). But just as there is a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being AFAB, there is also a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being mtf, and there is a very specific type of oppression that goes along with being a poc and any of those other categories. That’s at the core of intersectionality. Different parts of our identities interact with each other in different ways. People experience oppression and privilege in different ways and at different times depending on where they fall in this mix of race/class/gender/ability etc.

I also have body dysphoria, and it’s true our bodies can define a lot of our human experience (after all if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t have dysphoria, right?? Godddd what a life). But also because I have dysphoria, I do not think that our bodies should be the defining characteristic of our identities. Bodies and presentation can cause a lot of our social interactions- including oppression- but I think to say woman and woman’s experience = female body is quite a limited summary of the issue with little nuance, and it’s also quite limiting with the way our society is changing. This is why I heavily prefer terms like assigned female at birth. This can imply that such a person may have had a socially female experience (like me) in part due to their body, and thus was socially assigned to be a female, but just... also isnt a woman for some reason or another.

I also think that what we strive to do is not to ignore history (I think very few people are denying the way women have been treated in history, and are still treated to this day) but we hope to build from it. I think that’s why feminism and gender studies get lumped together. A lot of feminist activists/scholars (many were both at the same time) led our current strides into gender constructivism. I studied a lot of gender essentialism when I started my thesis, and to be honest, I saw the point behind it in the context of the time, but we’ve shifted in understanding and context since then.

And, in full disclosure, at the start of this whole adventure, (and i am SURE this will be used against me) I really did identify with being a woman. I thought it was awesome to have the body I had and when I started witchcraft I did actually fall into that really easy trap of tying the female experience to magic. (Honestly because I HATED my body and looking back that was probably a way to cope with DYSPHORIA and not the other way around). And isn’t inherently harmful to have a working magical relationship with your body like that, but it is harmful when you think and say that’s the only way people can exist and the only way people can be magical. But over time, I just started to change. Nothing traumatic happened, I’ve been incredibly fortunate and privileged my entire life, it’s not a coping mechanism, I just started to identify with womanhood less and less, for no real particular reason- nothing about me personality or preference-wise changed. Just my own internal view of myself.

I also got the words for gender euphoria. And I noticed more and more that, if I was being honest with myself, that that was always how I had truly felt. While it’s true gender roles shouldn’t exist, just like any other role or label, it’s different when someone chooses that role for themselves versus when they have it thrust upon them. As a child, like many other AFAB children, I had the idea of womanhood thrust upon me, with all the roles and stereotypes that went along with it. It’s fucked up in the first place, don’t get me wrong, but I knew people who embraced these fullheartedly, I knew people who didn’t. But some people who didn’t still identified with womanhood, others became ftm, others became mtf. I had “woman” thrust upon me, didn’t identify with it, rebelled against it, tried to rationalize it by accepting that I could be a “woman” without falling into gender stereotypes because there is no ONE correct way to be a woman (which there ISN’T), still didn’t feel right, did a full 180 and started buying pink lingerie and worshipped Aphrodite, that worked for a while and was overall a positive experience that helped me hate myself a little less, but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, I still did not identify as a woman. What does happen to me, however? I get a burst of euphoria when I am called a boy. That makes me feel like I’m being really seen. I actually resonate with that after years of not resonating at all with womanhood no matter how I sliced it, and that’s why it feels so fucking good. I tried to identify as a woman. Believe me, I tried like all fucking hell. Even though my presentation is still read as mostly female (I would disagree strongly with it but alas society and their fucking gender roles), I am quite the feminine boy-something to me, and I don’t have to justify that to anyone.

So TL;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism, I have lived a life full of very accepting, open-minded people and I won’t deny that I have that privilege, but in spite of that i STILL did not view myself as a woman, no matter how hard I tried. I’ve actually generally accepted my body except on the days my dysphoria makes me want to throw my boobs across the room, I don’t think it’s denying history if we’re building from it, gender roles are fucked up. I recognize that my experience being AFAB- and others who are AFAB- comes along with a particular type of oppression, but that’s why I prefer the term AFAB because it indicates the experience you’re talking about while also leaving it open to considering other experiences like my own and the experiences of other trans and nb folks. In a few years AFAB might be outdated as a term and then we’ll find more terms to help figure this whole mess out.

TL;DR;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism and anyone is welcome to think that this is simply part of the horrible fallout of female socialization, and anyone is welcome to think that i’m mentally ill for identifying like this. people can think or say all they want about me but it won’t change the fact that I’m a boy-something and it won’t change all the years I struggled trying to figure that out.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out, I think I really needed to. This is something that had been floating in my brain forever, and explaining it all to you actually made my thoughts that much clearer.

Now everyone who sees this- please respect my wishes and please don’t clown in these notes if it spreads. I’m tired enough about this as it is today. I’m tired enough about fucking gender as it is. We’re all fucking tired. What I’ve shared today is about me and me alone and I want to keep it that way.

#gender stuff #discourse #seriously i know people are gonna comment on this but i wanted to share it bc i thought it was important to say #but i REALLY don't want other people wrapped up in MY OWN issues and identity #anon #asks

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lostinathoughtonceagain · 4 years

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Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona nother thought i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge. shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love. i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina therap y session but it dosnt happne.

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