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fairycosmos · 3 years

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i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know - it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail. through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so. excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

#tw drugs #tw addiction #tw death #tw overdose #tw suicide #anon

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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Chloé & James

Chloé: You were SO unreceptive at dinner Chloé: more than usual Chloé: your sister is now talking to ME, asking what's wrong James: tell her to forward it to me Chloé: It isn't a business email Chloé: I'm your WIFE Chloé: I should know what's going on in your life but you never tell me anything James: & yet it'll end up in my father's hands regardless Chloé: Oh how dreadful that your loved ones are concerned about you James: they aren't concerned, Chloé James: simply in need of dinner entertainment James: it's as good an icebreaker as anything else, that's all Chloé: How dare you Chloé: I'm very concerned that you won't tell me Chloé: That always been great things, yeah? James: Matilda's crying can you go and be concerned about her, please? Chloé: Trying to change the subject and call me a bad Mum Chloé: Thanks so much, James James: I'm just asking you to check the baby is okay Chloé: She's a baby, they cry Chloé: and you don't know what I'm doing as well as trying to communicate with you James: I know you're not brushing Jay's hair because I am Chloé: Good Chloé: that doesn't change the fact we need to talk Chloé: or you need to talk to your sister and CONVINCE her you're fine Chloé: you make me look bad too when you do this James: I'll call her as soon as I get the chance Chloé: Yes, thank you Chloé: Can you plait her hair, please Chloé: I want it in ringlets for school James: you know she prefers to wear it loose, your punishments are getting more creative Chloé: IT IS NOT A PUNISHMENT Chloé: Don't be morbid Chloé: it looks scruffy loose James: well, if you'd agree to letting her have it cut, that wouldn't be a problem Chloé: So she can look like a little boy Chloé: I'm saving her the future embarrassment of looking back on awful photos James: okay James: I'm sure she'll thank you then if not me right now for these plaits James: would you like them french? Chloé: I'm looking after the baby, I can't be in two places at once Chloé: and no, lots of little ones James: but if I do them as two neat ones they can stay in Chloé: I don't WANT them to stay in Chloé: when you take it out in the morning she'll have lots of curls Chloé: [sends reference pics like he's an idiot] James: fine Chloé: Thank you James: do you know where all her school socks have gone? Chloé: Ugh, no idea Chloé: My Mother needs to bring some laundry back I think Chloé: she'll have to wear tights James: she'll be upset enough about the curls Chloé: I can't magic socks out of thin air! James: no, but you could call your mother while I call my sister Chloé: Please get a grip, James Chloé: I'm not chasing up socks at this o'clock the night before School Chloé: she'll have to deal, you spoil her James: she'll make herself sick, Chloé, you know the state she gets herself worked up into James: & it's me who'll have to deal with that Chloé: She's not a baby Chloé: she needs to learn Chloé: She's jealous of Tilly James: I'm well aware of her age, she's only 6 Chloé: Old enough to put tights on and suck it up James: I'm not having this fight with you again Chloé: Then you do something about it James: I will Chloé: 👏 James: I'm going to your mother's, do you need anything else? Chloé: She'll tell you James: please put Matty in her car seat for me Chloé: Why? James: because the drive will put her to sleep James: I can't be up with her all night Chloé: Okay Chloé: hang on Chloé: [is ages] James: Chloé James: I don't have time for this Chloé: Excuse me Chloé: You think you're the only person doing things? James: my thoughts are currently taken up with asking myself why it is you're incapable of doing one simple thing that I ask you to James: are you that mad at me for my supposed behaviour at dinner? Chloé: Well now I'm mad at you for the way you're speaking to me Chloé: [throws child at him] James: however you feel, don't take it out on our children Chloé: You upset me and then I'm the bad guy Chloé: Sounds about right James: I'm sorry if you're upset but I fail to see what I've actually done wrong James: at any point this evening Chloé: You could barely hold a conversation Chloé: with YOUR family Chloé: it was mortifying James: because I've been working for them non-stop James: & because I can't have so much as a single glass of anything alcoholic without my sister believing that I need to go back to rehab Chloé: Exactly Chloé: You've already proven yourself as weak in that capacity Chloé: Of course they're going to think that whenever you're behaving odd Chloé: I know better but that's not a happier picture to paint James: you'd rather they think I've relapsed than tell them the truth? Chloé: You tell me, James Chloé: Because I don't think I know the truth right now, do I James: what gory details are you hoping I'll divulge exactly? Chloé: Your actual addiction Chloé: Don't play dumb James: I'm a recovering drug addict, that's all James: if that disappoints you, I'm really sorry Chloé: If you were sorry you'd be a faithful, loving husband to me Chloé: I'm sorry you aren't having a spa retreat because you can't keep it in your pants James: like you were so apologetic when you had sex with that guy last time you were at the spa? Chloé: You make me feel terrible about myself Chloé: you don't pay me any attention Chloé: of course I have to go somewhere else Chloé: I'm a woman, I need to feel loved James: sometimes you deserve to feel terrible about yourself Chloé: How could you say that? Chloé: I gave you your kids James: & they'll always be the best thing that ever happened to me James: this isn't Chloé: Then act like it Chloé: it's a package deal, a family Chloé: treat me with the respect I deserve James: I do act like it James: there's no more I can physically or emotionally do Chloé: Well it's not good enough Chloé: I need you Chloé: When's the last time you came near me James: you know when Chloé: Yeah, when you want another kid, I'll get a look-in, okay Chloé: I'm a person too, you know James: it wasn't me who wanted another child Chloé: So now it's my fault Chloé: and Tilly's a mistake Chloé: Wow James: if it makes you feel better to twist every single word that comes out of my mouth James: I love her, you know I do Chloé: You know I won't have you around them if you are going to say things like that Chloé: I have to protect them James: you can't protect them with lies Chloé: You just said you didn't want her! Chloé: and we know Jay's situation is far from ideal James: I didn't want to bring another child into this, no sane person would Chloé: They have everything Chloé: Including a good dad, when you're not going around fucking every whore in sight James: I don't do that any more Chloé: I know you do, you're different Chloé: I know Chloé: I'd rather you were on the blow James: how can you say that Chloé: Everyone still does it Chloé: You just have to take it too far Chloé: Handle your shit like a man, why can't you James: you don't understand, you never fucking have Chloé: You don't wanna admit I have a point, more like James: there are things I'd rather not admit, that's not one of them Chloé: Don't taunt me Chloé: You know when I find out who she is Chloé: I will let everyone know what she is James: there's nobody to find out about James: all of that is over Chloé: you have to be getting it somewhere Chloé: it's not from me James: I told you, I'm not a sex addict Chloé: How can I believe anything you say, James? Chloé: That's the problem James: the problem is, you'd prefer to label me as a sex addict who fucks whores than admit what the actual problem is Chloé: The problem is you Chloé: you don't treat me how you should Chloé: Leave the baby with my Mother James: yes, but not just me, you've never treated me right either James: & no, I'm not going to do that Chloé: I'm not going to be in any state to look after her tomorrow Chloé: Not now Chloé: I'm going to bed, the sofa has your name all over it Chloé: or your whore's, I don't care anymore James: that's barely a threat James: I'll look after her, as I would on a typical day Chloé: University is over, James Chloé: You'll be working full-time now Chloé: You can't turn my own daughters against me James: I'll take her to work with me or I won't go in, nothing is as difficult as you'd like to make it Chloé: Sure, you can explain to your Father why you've got her Chloé: and how you treat me whilst you're at it James: he's well aware of everything I do for you & our family Chloé: Ha! James: we can't go on like this, Chloé Chloé: Goodnight James: you wanted to talk Chloé: And you've made me cry Chloé: Goodnight James: please Chloé: Unless you're apologizing I have no interest in whatever you think you need to say James: I'm sorry I made you cry Chloé: Yes, you should be James: I don't want things to get as bad as they were before Matty, okay? Chloé: You know how to make it better James: no I don't Chloé: Show me you're sorry James: what does that even mean? Chloé: For God's sake, James! Chloé: You weren't an actual virgin when we got together, why are you like this Chloé: it means presents and meals and trips and showing me off James: why do you think that'll make anything better? James: the only person that benefits is you Chloé: You are so selfish James: I honestly wish I could be Chloé: You should have thought about that James: of course I should've James: but I wasn't thinking then Chloé: You have responsibilities Chloé: as a Father AND as a Husband Chloé: and you neglect me and I'm sick of it James: you're sick of it Chloé: And what is that supposed to mean? James: it means what the fuck am I if not sick of it too! Chloé: Well, it's tough, like I said! Chloé: You're my Husband and the Father of my kids and that's the end of it James: I'm taking Matty & Jay & we're going to my parents Chloé: No you are not Chloé: You don't get to take them anywhere Chloé: not away from me James: I'm their dad James: & you said yourself that you're not going to be able to look after them tomorrow Chloé: You aren't taking Jay anywhere Chloé: leave Tilly with my parents Chloé: if you take them, I swear I'll call the police James: I'm not leaving her with you James: not when you're like this Chloé: I'm trying to go to bed! Chloé: You come home Chloé: now James: you're trying to proposition me James: I'm not coming home to that Chloé: I said you're sleeping on the sofa, how could you possibly get that from that? Chloé: I've long since given up on you in that department, as we both know James: explain Matilda then Chloé: She's a bloody year old Chloé: You think I've not had sex in a year? Chloé: and I know you have so don't try to make me feel bad Chloé: maybe if you didn't get it other places, we could have a normal sex life but that's never gonna happen, is it James: we've never had a normal sex life, Chloé Chloé: Cecily and Marc do it every night Chloé: and they've been together ages now James: I'm so happy for them James: but that's never going to be us Chloé: Why are you so shit Chloé: at everything Chloé: I don't get anything James: what more do you want from me? Chloé: That's such a ridiculous question Chloé: I want us to be a happy family, like I have to put on the brave face and pretend to the world we are Chloé: You know this James: yes, it is, because you've got everything that I am capable of giving you James: we're not a happy family, let me go Chloé: No Chloé: You're the Father of my Children Chloé: you're all I've got Chloé: we have to make the best of it James: you don't love me James: don't you want to be in love? Chloé: I want you to love me James: no, you don't James: you want me to do as I'm told James: I'm not a child or a dog Chloé: Why don't you love me? James: because James: I don't even like you Chloé: You're killing me James: we're killing each other James: let me go Chloé: I can't James: I can't do this any more Chloé: We have to Chloé: there's no out James: of course there is, marriages end Chloé: No Chloé: I can't do it alone and I won't Chloé: you know I won't James: you wouldn't be James: I'm not leaving the kids Chloé: Stop Chloé: You aren't leaving anyone James: Chloé Chloé: You aren't Chloé: I will not be divorced James: you can't force my hand forever Chloé: but I can Chloé: I'm the Mum and you know the courts would favour me Chloé: there's nothing you can do about that James: I've still got rights Chloé: Try it Chloé: I can assure you, you'll never see them again James: don't say that Chloé: No, I mean it Chloé: You are not leaving me James: you can't stop me from seeing them, I'm not unfit Chloé: I will Chloé: there's so much I could use against you James: it's been years since I touched drugs James: & everything else I've done, you have too Chloé: If you're willing to risk it Chloé: shows how much they mean James: you know how much they mean to me Chloé: Then stay Chloé: Be a Father James: I am a father Chloé: Not if you leave Chloé: I'll make sure of that James: I told you, I'm not leaving them James: but I can't be with you Chloé: You have to be Chloé: they're mine Chloé: and I'm not being used as a babymaking factory and then discarded James: that's not what happened Chloé: yes it is Chloé: you don't love me and you never have Chloé: you don't even like me James: but I didn't set out to use you Chloé: You made promises Chloé: legally binding ones Chloé: I will ruin you James: I know I did Chloé: Every penny you earn will be mine Chloé: You can't get rid of me, so stay James: I don't care about the money, you can have it Chloé: You don't care about anyone but yourself James: that's not true James: you said I was a good father Chloé: I don't think that now Chloé: you're playing with their lives James: I'm trying to make their lives better Chloé: Why don't you murder me Chloé: you want me out of the way James: stop it Chloé: No James: you're their mum, they need you too Chloé: No one needs me Chloé: and no one wants me Chloé: not even you James: they both do Chloé: you've poisoned them Chloé: Tilly can barely crawl and she already prefers you James: I spend more time with her, that's all James: don't keep giving her to your mother Chloé: Don't tell me what to do Chloé: I try! Chloé: See, you're poison Chloé: they'll never love me James: Chloé Chloé: Leave me alone Chloé: you've ruined my life James: I'm sorry James: I never wanted things to be like this Chloé: Do you think that's good enough? Chloé: You all ruined my life Chloé: I'm everyone's last choice James: you have to take some responsibility Chloé: This is your fault Chloé: you and your fucking friends Chloé: I tried, so much harder than any other girl, to be what you wanted Chloé: and you all just threw it in my fucking face James: this isn't what anybody wants Chloé: Fuck you Chloé: you've said enough Chloé: I know I'm the fattest and the ugliest but I can't help that James: you're not James: it's not about what you look like Chloé: It always is Chloé: McKenna would rather fuck his own flesh and blood just because she's hot James: he's got nothing to do with why we aren't right for each other Chloé: You're all the same Chloé: if it weren't you it'd be one of the others Chloé: you're all horrible James: I am horrible, but so are you Chloé: I'm miserable Chloé: everyone hates me James: you don't have to be James: miserable or hated Chloé: Yes I do Chloé: I've never been anything but Chloé: people pretend to like me Chloé: for a while James: you don't have to have Diana drive you to rehab in order to make changes James: it's not the only way Chloé: I hate my life Chloé: I don't even like the girls James: you don't mean that Chloé: Yes, I do Chloé: at best, I feel nothing Chloé: most of the time there another thing in my life that refuses to go right James: you just need help Chloé: I didn't want them Chloé: I didn't want you Chloé: none of this is right James: so we'll change it Chloé: No Chloé: I don't have the energy Chloé: What I want, I can't have Chloé: so neither can you James: please James: I can help you Chloé: Don't make me laugh Chloé: I want to go away and start again and be another person Chloé: I'll be so so slim and beautiful and everything I say and do will be cool and funny and right and everyone will love me and I'll find someone who worships me James: neither of us get that luxury James: Jay and Matilda exist James: you & me exist as we are, with all our mistakes Chloé: Oh I'm sorry, who got to piss off to rehab like they were some kind of celebrity Chloé: I'm going James: it wasn't like that Chloé: Whatever Chloé: you left James: I had to James: for everyone's sake James: you think I'm useless as I am now, who I was then would be worse Chloé: at least we had fun Chloé: I'm so bored Chloé: this is all so boring James: did we? Chloé: I did Chloé: Who wouldn't rather be at a party doing lines than staring at a fucking baby all day Chloé: changing shitty nappies and feeding it slop James: you didn't have to keep her James: you decided to Chloé: I was 15 Chloé: what the fuck did I know Chloé: who the fuck decided I could make that decision Chloé: it was wrong and I've lived to regret it that's for fucking sure James: you weren't 15 when you decided to do it all again Chloé: You were leaving then too James: how many children do you think will make me stay? Chloé: Only needed the one James: you can't treat people like this James: it's fucked Chloé: If I don't get to be happy Chloé: you don't either Chloé: someone else had to feel it too Chloé: not get happy endings they didn't fucking deserve Chloé: not over me James: our daughters deserve to be happy Chloé: you make them happy James: I try Chloé: you do Chloé: so don't leave them James: I won't Chloé: Good Chloé: come back yeah James: are you going to try too? Chloé: I do James: I mean it, Chloé Chloé: I just told you how hard I try Chloé: listen to me, for fuck's sake James: it's hard to hear, but I am Chloé: Try living it James: okay James: I'll be right next to you living it Chloé: I'm going to bed now Chloé: do not let them wake me James: wait until I get back at least Chloé: why James: because we need to do things differently somehow Chloé: its far too late for that Chloé: I've never loved you either Chloé: you can stay and you can know that Chloé: anyway, i took some sleeping pills Chloé: I'll be out James: how many? Chloé: enough to keep me asleep 'til you're all out of my sight tomorrow James: you understand what I'm asking Chloé: calm down, i wanna feel good not die Chloé: she's watching tv James: I'm coming back now Chloé: yep Chloé: you are

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