#and pray my fajr and then have my coffee and just sit with myself for an hour before i get ready to go work. so yeah. i dont meditate. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daydreams-and-coffeeshops · 3 years

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Sunday, March 14th, 2021 9:08 am: daylight savings started today. it would’ve been 8:08 am.

I sit here in the mill, telegraph. The minute I woke up to pray Fajr, the rain pattering on the window has already planned my day for me. As I get dressed for the day, I imagine myself being productive as well as plan out things I need to do before I leave the house. This is the fastest I have ever dressed, especially during the weekend.

After I eat breakfast and wash my dishes as well as hang out with my mom a bit, I go to my room and finish up getting ready, hoping that the rain is still there to accompany me. I get in the car and drive my way with the morning adhkar playing softly in my car, the rain and the windshield providing extra comfort during the drive. Once I arrive at my destination, I notice there are only a few cars in the parking lot. The Mill Telegraph is very popular, especially among college students, but apparently due to the weather on an early Sunday morning has an impact on it. Maybe people felt they wanted to sleep in a little bit more. I don’t blame them.

I open the doors to the coffee shop and the warmth welcomes me inside, even though my face is covered with my mask. The aroma of the caffeine engulfs my lungs as I inhale deeply, exhaling the satisfaction that I have just experienced. Just like every other time I walk into a coffee shop, I was indecisive about where to sit. But for the first time, however, it was not because of how full it was, but the different options I have due to the many clean, open tables that are available. I was so happy.

I see an open seat with a window behind me, but I can still see it if I just turn to my left, not much of the view, but the reflection of the interior of the coffee shop is really pretty with the dim, yellow lights. A lamp is behind me to my right and it glows onto my table as I try to read an article for my assignment. My coffee is delicious, caramel pecan brewed coffee in a mug. Everything tastes better in a mug, like c’mon. Chill music playing, not something that will make you fall asleep, but still productive. The only distraction, however, is an older man, who might be in his late thirties or early forties. He is just hanging around. He has a table but still walks around. Apparently, he lost two of his masks and he asked the baristas for a third one. They warned him it’s the last mask they’ll give out. He mumbles a lot and wanders around. He faces me from the other side, but to look out at the window near me. I feel uncomfortable, but I feel safe because I sense the baristas are keeping wide eyes on him as if he is a child, and he kinda reminds me of a child anyway. There are other customers that I feel safe next to. So, really he is a distraction when he wanders around and mumbles. I do not want to put my headphones in because the music I have will distract me further into my imagination. Without them, the music in the coffee shop is good background noise for me and the tapping of my fingers on my keyboard is satisfactory. Yes, these are my hands typing, not like something I would hear from ASMR videos to make me feel productive.

My coffee is getting cold, but I plan on getting a refill later. Caramel pecan brewed coffee is so delicious.

#dark academia #academia #aesthetic #coffee #coffee shops #school #studyblr #islam #allah

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diaryoftypist · 3 years

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Self discipline

Here I am, sitting on my bed, sipping coffee and ready to face my world.

This past period has been intense on me psychologically. I’ve been going through some super tough internal wars that I think were personality shaping kinda wars. I think this is me unlocking a new personality level.

I’ve been at war with myself regarding the person I was in my relationship, regarding my relationship itself, regarding so many negative habits that I was hung up on. I was having extreme overthinking of what I’m doing in my life, How I wanna live my life and What if I suddenly die? I mean, how far from ready am I to face God?

A few incidences helped me think those thoughts through in the right direction. It all started with this day, I was praying and suddenly I broke. I broke down in tears, asking God to help me figure things out, placing all of my vulnerability in God’s hands. At that moment I had every cell in me believe that nothing, literally NOTHING else can make my mind clear, make my heart calm, other than God himself. I prayed with utter believe and truth, and then it just happens. It’s like a sudden ray of bright light got inside me. It felt like my brain was dusty and foggy and suddenly it’s pristine. My heart felt heavy and aching, and suddenly it felt at ease. It felt happy. Just like that. It’s like it was a snap from a finger.

At that time I felt amazing, suddenly I could think very clearly, I could see what’s bugging me and what I was being a drama queen about. It’s like God lifted this heaviness off my chest. I don’t know about you, but it felt like a miracle to me at the time.

Anyways, that day was like a turning point. After then, I started getting my shit together, especially in the relationship department. I was being a bad partner. I was not a delight. I took a pause and tried to get back to my old self, and as imagined everything started getting back to normal. I’m still super thankful. Alhamdulellah.

And then the second turning point was one day, me sitting down to watch “The social dilemma” documentary. Which talked about how social media and technology being at the tip of our fingers is kinda truly ruining our lives. I had to take another pause. Try to evaluate what’s real from what is virtual, and trust me when I tell you that so much of it was virtual, to the extent that the line between reality and virtuality was almost invisible. And there goes my second challenge, getting myself out of that virtual vicious loop that got us under its mercy. I remembered when my left side of my brain had jobs to do. When I used to have all sorts of creative time, getting it out as sketches or music or even writing down my feeling like I am, now. And somehow I blame it all on social media. Sucking up all of our time and providing us with so much useless serotonin that we get hung up on. And I actually started the challenge, which is controlled usage of social media, only 10 mins in the morning, and 10 mins at night. It’s not easy because we’re kinda addicted, but with enough will, I’m actually doing it. almost a week in the challenge right now. I even miss some of my allowed social media time because I feel better off.

And then comes the third day of important realizations. I go to this religious/ spiritual classes every once in a while. I’ve been going there my whole life, since I was in kindergarten. Anyways, We haven’t met in a long time now because of the corona situation. Last week we finally had a long awaited gathering. During these kinds of classes we do is different from what normal religious classes here do. We don’t gather to read and memorize holy words, we gather to contemplate. To think. To think why are we here on this Earth? what’s our purpose? and what should we do to be on the right track? We usually have a theme and then we brainstorm around it, with supporting Ahadith and Quran. And guess what was last week’s new theme? It was about “What if we knew that our death is soon?” Deep, huh? We all know that we can die at anytime, any day. It doesn’t have to be when we’re 80 and old. It’s a fact. Nothing new, right? But, do we really remember it all the time? I don’t think we do. I, for myself, don’t. So brainstorming around that theme, we were asked each to name one thing we think we would definitely do if we knew our ending is soon. So many things were said, so many things came to mind. All of the sins that I made came rushing after each other in the back of my mind. But just 2 things were as if written in Bold and CAPSLOCK in my mind. *STOP BINGE WATCHING*, *START PRAYING FAJR*! They were just so clear in my mind that I couldn’t think of anything else. The day was over and we went on with out lives, but those words felt like they were printed on my mind now, along with the phrase “What if I die soon?”. It’s all too bold to ignore, right?

And I was at a good connection with God these days, I felt the positive vibe of getting my life together, with the new light heart and social media-free life. I decided to do it. why wait when I know this is the right thing for me? I decided to pray AlFajr. It’s always been such a hard thing to do. Waking up inside my cycle of sleep to go make wudoo’ and pray and interrupt my precious precious sleep? It always sounded impossible. Don’t ask me how, but I’m suddenly actually doing it. I set up an alarm for 5:30 am. And I wake up, turn it off, pray and go back to sleep. Everyday ever since, except just 1 day I failed. But still, Who knew that I could do it?? honestly I’m amazed at myself. And 2 days later I started the no netflixing thingy. Honestly, to me this is the hardest out of them all. Maybe because it’s the most I’ve been hung up on. But, so far so good. so YAY me.

I feel like this is one of my golden eras. I’m writing this all right now so that if everything eventually goes up in flames I can remember that I was once doing it all, and it can be done truly. And to remind myself that it’s all about reliance on God. The greatest of all. The only way out of anything, the only way to do anything. I was reading this book that said “As long as you only have God in your heart, and all your other beloved things in your hand not your heart, you’re doing dunya right”. I understand that now very deeply. And I feel the ultimate blessing that I have right now, that is God making me see that clearly, facilitating everything for me, getting me so many gifts I can’t even count them. I’m just super thankful.

So, here’s for a change one happy diary. something that I’d like to remember.

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