#and then afterwards I went to listen to some music and caught myself daydreaming about the one character | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aggresivelyfriendly · 6 years

Photo

~Meet Me In The Hallway~

Chapter 36-Se Rejouir

Hey Loveys!! Our interactions are the most fun! The Music Man! The Music!

Happy Reading-If you love a phrase or wanna fight me-let me know!

"Melly, Melody! Please answer your phone! Please! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I didn't know! I didn't know she was coming! She planned it all with Jeff, I think before I told him you were comin. I had no intention of you seeing....I know, Angel, I know.....I know it hurt you, it would kill m..........what are we doing?"

His voice sounded tiny, like he was in a bathroom. And the silent bits were loud, or full of audible breaths.

I tried to staunch my sobs and thanked my unlucky stars that my parents were still asleep when I came in like a wrecking ball after the show. I can't remember the exact sequence of events around my departure.

If I was writing the movie it would go like this. Two lost lovers stare at each other with hope and excitement before it is all dashed out of their eyes as an interloper arrives. Our heroine looks heartbroken and a tear leaks from one eye. Our 'hero' looks regretful and watches her turn on her heel and exit the room before faking a smile and redirecting his attention to the beautiful woman in his arms. The woman looks strikingly similar to the one who just exited, only a little better.

The only part that would be true is the description of HER, the girlfriend. She was tall, an inch shorter than me and slim and gorgeous and obviously a model. She had long wavy blonde hair and a beautiful face with big blue eyes. But she looked a little less exaggerated than me. Less like an anime character and more classically beautiful. She was also in a white dress. Guess he had a type.

Why did that feel like eating broken glass?

The real scene played out more like a shit show. I audibly choked when I figured out what was going on. She snuck up behind him and spun her boyfriend like a top, crying "Baby!" happily before attaching their mouths. Harry was still reeling from the spin and it was almost like we were dancing, because his momentum transferred to me and I about faced and made my exit. I didn't give myself any time to process it, nor did I stick around to be forced to go through an awkward meeting. In hindsight, this was probably incredibly rude of me. The idea of having to stand and shake her hand and learn her name while I was shattering like a mirror sounds like a torture out of the Saw movies. Maybe every shiny piece that fell off of me onto the floor would have left a bleeding slice and I'd have to stand there like nothing was happening and make small talk and pretend that I wasn't watching someone else live the life I dreamed about while blood trickled from lots of tiny cuts.

In my flight, I realized the more painful parts later. Like the resemblance. In the moment, I just watched my heart be torn out of my chest and crushed by the man that I had just decided to give it back to. Well, he probably had it the whole time based on how I was feeling. Listening to his message, he didn't mean for this to happen, or for me to see something so painful. And he knows it would be, Harry had made it clear the thought of Milo hurt him, and he was empathetic enough to know how he would feel if we had switched places. I think it hurt so badly because I was turned back on. Being near to Harry and letting myself feel made everything bright. Like my life had been turned down, a volume dial on 2, until I walked in to his literal arena and went up to 11.

I want to be dialed back again, that numb region between 2-4 was looking really attractive right now.

I'm sure a sound like an injured cat escaped me and I pivoted and my heel caught. I fell to my knees. The abrasion on my right leg bled all the way home. I heard my name behind me, but it sounded like your favorite song playing in another room. So I got myself up in a scramble of long limbs and I ran. There was a car near the curb at the VIP entrance I had come through. I'm sure it wasn't for me, but the driver took one look at the bodily fluids leaking from my knee and eyes and nose and asked, "Where to?"

I gasped out my parent's address. I wanted Kara, but knew she had a visitor, and this was no way to meet her man.

I think I saw a suit clad man with wild hair chasing the car. But I kept my head forward. Towards my future.

Harry had called. Over and over, then texted. I'd shut my phone down. When I got brave enough, as a rainy day dawned, I listened to some of the messages. The one asking what we were doing was the last one. The others had been him asking me to answer. Most of them were sweet and full of sorry words. Like I caught him cheating on me, instead of the truth.

Truth was that we were walking a really fine line. We weren't seeing each other, until tonight, and our conversations were not naughty, they barely even crossed the line to flirty. But nobody knew. We were hiding again. This time with much better reason. There was so much between us, there were not enough words to cover it. At the very least, I was cheating emotionally. Harry took over my mind like an occupying army. Our memories invaded happy moments and disappointments alike. There was no activity I could be doing, or conversation I could be having, or plans I could be making free from his bombardment.

The memories were not even the worst of it, the real betrayals. Those were the possibilities. I was building a life on clouds everyday. Daydreaming about what ifs. I'd be having a lovely moment, slow dancing while cooking dinner, or cake tasting, or listening to prospective bands, and Milo would be replaced in my head, like an avatar, a space holder for Harry. I rejected a band Milo loved, they even knew some Spanish standards, because there was one Harry would have liked better. Might have kidnapped the vocalist and brought him on the road.

When I picked the banana cake for the top tier, I had to admit to myself what I was doing. But I didn't until I was laying on the floor of a bedroom that was once mine and looked at the choices I had been making for the last several months. I laid them out the way I did my physical flaws at 13, side my side in a long line. I was that frog in the video game in the middle of the street waiting to get squashed under car wheels. But I was choosing to hop there.

What were we doing? What was I doing? To myself, to Milo and Harry. I had trouble caring about her.

Harry had a girlfriend, who flew to Australia to surprise him. Sounded serious. And I was getting married. I was getting married in three months. And today, I was going back to the bridal shop and buying a dress. Not the One, because the thought of wearing that dress and not standing in front of Harry on a spring day in England was even more miserable to think about than seeing Harry kiss another woman. I pushed away the thoughts of him standing facing somebody else before an altar.

And Milo. He was the real victim here. I'd never even told him about Harry. I had alluded to a bad break up and when we had had the sexual history conversation. He had only asked for numbers and testing. It was all very grown up and mature. But it also allowed me to pretend to be more over it than I was. At the time, I really thought I was over it. But, it was like a cold case, new evidence had been brought to light, and I'd had to let Harry out of the mental prison he'd been in due to wrongful conviction. Now I was in the cell in my head, because I deserved it, and just like any prisoner, all I seemed to have was time to think about what I had done to get me there.

And Harry had been open to me. To talking to me. And I'd missed him, and his horrible puns and the sound of his voice and his joy! If Harry liked something, he liked it big - without self consciousness. And he would tell me about the things he was seeing with his increased time and freedom and I was so happy for him. All I wanted was for him to be happy.

But secretly, I had decided that was with me.

I had imagined this entire scenario in my head. I'd tell him I wanted him. The last three years would evaporate along with our hurts, and we would be together.

I guess I thought our partners would just disappear too.

Even my non break up with Harry had been torturous. We hadn't actually had the heart rending talk until years afterwards, but it was bad as the time. Yet, we had shared nothing. There were no assets to divide. I didn't have to go look at real estate to figure out where I would be laying my head. Whereas, If I broke up with Milo, which a small lady clad in white on my right shoulder was screaming I had to do for decency's sake, I had to find a place to go in Singapore, at least until I decided where in the world I wanted to be. And when we had moved in, we had each come with a few things, but we had not been careful about what was mine and what was his. The things we bought, Milo bought, were to be ours. I was just thankful our finances were separate beyond that. If he forgave me, we'd have to keep it like that.

Milo's name appears on my phone. And I just can't. I couldn't talk to him. Because I may have just told him everything, and arranged for him to not be home when I got back so that I can get my things and find a new place. Or beg.

That all felt hasty. Maybe if I told him everything, we could have started there. And since I didn't have Harry, and my fantasies had been unrealistic, we could start again, maybe delay the wedding I was not ready for. Because Milo was wonderful and I'd be lucky to have him, and I could work harder and make sure I was more worthy.

Maybe. Once he'd gone to voicemail, I called Kara.

"Yeah?"

"Can I come over?" I croaked.

"Um," she giggled and I was torn. She was happy and I could see the rose colored glasses on her face. The black cloud over my head was no good. I would not bring the rain down on her and Aiden's head.

"Kara," I bit my lip to make my voice stop going side to side like a weeble, "Sounds like you are still in the throes! Call me when you are done!"

"Ok!" She said and I heard her squeal as she hung up.

I could see them in my mind's eye, running, playing a very grown up game of tag in their undies.

Milo always felt the need to initiate wrestling matches. Last year, on the hottest day ever, or at least it felt like it, the grid went down and we were without air con. We'd been eating frozen fruit on the couch when I'd pushed him with my toes. He'd grabbed my foot then and hoisted me over. Before I knew it, he had me pinned beneath him and we were grappling and giggling and the juice from the quickly melting pineapple he was dribbling on my chest had wet through my bra.

"That looks sticky-guess I better help you take it off!" And my bralette was never seen again. It might be under the couch or in the cushions. We were already so sweaty, it didn't matter how much more gross we got and the cold shower afterwards was a remedy for several ills.

I was thinking how sweet the memory was, and that maybe all was not lost there, when Harry and his giant head invaded my mind.

Occasionally, the whole touring company would play hide and seek on the floors we occupied. There were long days sometimes where going outside was precluded because of the 1000's of fans crowded around the place and fifa and other games could get old.

"Knock, knock!" Niall's voice would sound, as he was instigator in chief, "We are doing shots and playing hide and go seek, get your arses out here!" Down the hallway he'd go and the assembled company would tumble out.

Before we were out, Harry and I would sneak into the hallway before everybody else and separate. Then we'd spend the rest of it trying to find each other and making out in any particularly secluded space we could find.

After everybody knew...well I still don't think Michael has recovered from where he found us tangled around each other. The bottle of water he'd doused us with was icy!

I pushed the memories away with both hands and got myself to the bathroom. My reflection suggested I'd been on a bender or a runway in the heroine chic era. My eyes were rimmed black and mascara had leaked onto my cheeks.

The water was cold, but it woke me up. I created this. By not being honest, with Milo, and Harry and myself.

I should have told Harry my hopes, so he could have dashed them properly. Maybe over the phone so I could save myself the heartbreak. I should have told Milo about my wandering heart.

I should have admitted to myself what I was doing.

I should have talked to Harry three years ago before I ran.

The fourth stair down creaks if you step on the right side of it. I carefully tiptoed over it and held the banister to get downstairs for some food.

I mentally clapped myself on the back for being sneaky when I saw my parents sitting at the breakfast bar. They looked grim, like somebody died. I dramatically thought it must be my funeral.

"Morning!" I salvoed and tried to get tea as though nothing is amiss. I'd cleaned up my face and it was not too puffy, maybe they wouldn't notice.

"Melody Olivia," Dad started, shit. "Sit down."

They were clutching hands, like they were when my mom got her biopsy results. Tears are not being pressed down like a suitcase with too much stuffing, so I was hopeful this was just about the mess I'm in, not about matters of actual life and death importance.

I brought my cup and sat. 'What's going on?"

"We're concerned about you." My mom started.

"I'm not concerned about you, I'm damn worried." Dad harrumphed. "What are you doing, Melly? Here to pick out your wedding dress and sneaking out to see Harry? We didn't raise you like that?" He looked disappointed and I flashed to when I cheated on an exam and confessed to him.

"I didn't," I started with no end in sight to the sentence. "I just went to his show. We've been trying to be friends, Harry and me." I explained, painting a picture backlit with white. They both give me a look like they have just bitten into a lemon. "What?"

They exchanged a look and my dad gestured for my mom to wade in. "Melody, you and Harry aren't friends. Don't think you can be. There's a force in the air when you two are near each other, like when you teach kids about magnets and they try to keep them apart. When he came here, that first time, your father and I could see it. It's why we let you leave with him. We doubted you'd ever come back."

She sighed. "But then you did, and I'm so thankful, I may not have had the will to go through," she swallowed, "You were my hope darling," she reached forward to caress my face, "As ever. But your hope was fading, we could see it. And then you were this ghost of a person. Never seen anybody so sad. We don't want you to ever feel that way again!" My dad squeezed her hand. "Then you just left. And he came looking for you, and we did what we thought best, though now, to watch you two orbiting each other again is..."

My dad cut in, "Melody Olivia."my name is a sentence onto itself. "You have some decisions to make. And right now. I may not be Milo's biggest fan. But he loves you and has made some big promises to you, which you've accepted. And your mother tells me that you wouldn't buy a dress and don't you think she doesn't know why!" His voice went up at the end. "It's not right, little one, it's not. You and Harry are gonna wind up hurting a lot of people."

That's when I cut in. "Harry's not even an option! And I'm gonna." My eyes brimmed again. "I'm gonna tell Milo the truth and see if we can move on. Maybe we can delay a bit. I should marry him, I'd be lucky to." I bit my lip and could taste a bit of rust plus salt from my tears. "But I've discovered I have some feelings I need to get over. Harry, Harry." I'm not sure where to go there. "I need to get over him, we talked out all of our issues and he has, his," dammit, overflow, "His girlfriend was there last night. So, I'm sure that's done. And you guys are right, we can't be friends."

My parents looked at each other and the silent communication made me ache with pride and longing. We should all have that. It dawned on me that there was something I was missing.

"We think," my mother began then gave my dad a helpless look.

"Melody, we think you need to decide what you want. And try to be honest-then go get it," he said.

I shook my head. I couldn't have what I want, I ran that ship aground and damaged it beyond repair.

"I, he's happy, he looked happy, and that's." I looked up to clear my eyes and voice, "That's what I want for him. He's moved on and leaves today, I think. I need to accept reality and, um, be content." Like Kara said. My parents shared another look and my mother nodded.

"Melody, Harry's in the sun room. He came this morning. To me that doesn't sound as hopeless as you think."

My dad keeps talking but I can't process anything beyond the fact that Harry is two rooms away.

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #meet me in the hallway #mmith #chapter 36 #one direction #one direction fanfiction

42 notes · View notes

whyshanti · 4 years

Text

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go?

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed, academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have.

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway.

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else.

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships.

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc).

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden.

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing.

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho.

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house.

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times.

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me.

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person.

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass.

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s.

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices.

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH.

16. men are trash.

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one.

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over.

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh.

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.

self-love is not a 5-step process.

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings.

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.

#2019

0 notes