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metallikca · 7 years

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Random nostalgic babble, beware.

Every so often, I get nostalgic. As we all, of course, do; it can be for anything, or anyone. For me, it's the holidays, from Thanksgiving to Christmas. That whole feeling makes me..... so many different things. Sad, Happy, Grateful, Depressed, Anxious, Frustrated, and most strongly, incredibly Lonely. And since I made this blog to be brave, to show vulnerability, and be myself, I'm going to honor myself, and what I made this for. Me. So I'm going to do that. This is a very personal rant, so if you don't feel like reading it, don't. So whenever I think about the holidays, Christmas specifically, I get this...pain. In my chest. I feel sore, almost. It's a longing. You see, my Maman, she hates Christmas, and even moreso, My dad's family. But they hated her, so it was mutual. The thing is, my siblings and I, we were raised in kind of a.... mock Christian. All the values, but without the religion itself. My maman just didn't think it would be good for us to be bullied for being raised Pagan, so she labelled her Paganism as Christian. Which is fine, I get it. The Morals of the two religions are very similar. Basically, be the best you can be. Thats it. Anyway, so when I was little, we'd go up and have a family Christmas with my Dad's brothers and in-laws, his step-mom and usually his mom. But after maybe 4 years of doing this, my maman and my dads family just couldn't handle each other anymore, so we stopped going. I think I was 9. So we basically stopped having anything to do with it since then, and if the subject is brought up there will be a lot of... discourse. So when I was born, my maman knew from right then-she had told me this-that she wouldn't understand me. But of course, she loves me anyway and I love her. Moving on. She knew that, and since then, I've only proved her right. From art to music to movies, She doesn't get it. (But she supports me anyway, like any good maman.) And when it comes to holidays, she doesn't get that, either. She doesn't 'get' the feeling I get from the holidays, she has bad memories all throughout her life that makes the holidays sting for her. But for me? There's so much I long for that happens during the holiday season. Friends, for one. I'm a pretty solitary person, though I could be different, if I were put in public school. But I wasn't, so I never socialized. I never made childhood friends, other than 2. One I don't talk to anymore, and the other I recently came into contact with once more after almost a decade. but that's a different story. Family, for two. See, my family loves me. They do, and I love them. To death and back. But theres this very secret longing inside me that we didn't have to be who we are. That we could be normal, and do things normal people do. Like have Christmas. My family is dysfunctional in the most functional way I've ever seen. My parents are civil, and yet they aren't. My mom is rightfully bitter about her life, and my dad is broken in many ways. But they're good parents. My siblings, are also a bit broken. We all are. Two have had trauma, my brother and I were left "to our own devices" quite more often than maybe we should have been. But we all.... get along. We're all sad, but we're managing it. Most of the time. Anyway, continuing on. The holiday cheer itself is something I feel...depraved of, I suppose. Y'know. Cuddling up with a hot drink, with friends and family near. Dressing in red or green or white, decorating a tree(a fake one, tho. Those you can have for years. Unless I have a fireplace, Id rather have one I can keep for ages.) Reading books with snow outside falling outside and white lights from the Christmas tree illuminating the room, playing in snow with people you love, walking into decorated shops, Christmas Carols, (which I'm going to try to learn this year so I can play carols this year, wherever I end up being.) And then there's a certain fun to walking around beautiful places in Winter, taking selfies, drinking hot cocoa or coffee or chai. Having breakfast with friends in a coffee shop or bakery surrounded by decorations and white snow. Honestly, I'd really just like to have a blissful Christmas. Just something I can look back on when I'm down and not just smile, but grin. It's funny, I love being abnormal. I embrace it, I relish it, I revel in it. I love that I'm quirky. I do. But sometimes I just want to be fucking normal, and happy. Even though I wouldn't actually trade my enlightement for ignorance, I guess I just would have liked to have a little bit more time before it all went to shit. Around 9yo, about the same time we stopped going to the family xmas thing, Maman got obsessed with uncovering the truth. Of everything. So me, at 9, had to learn about the real American Government, the ugly, brutal reality behind everything. And tbh that hurts. It hurts that the chance to remember being a kid slipped away, because I'm smart enough to ask questions and Maman is smart enough to answer honestly. And the worst part about it is that I get this feeling and I get frustrated with myself for feeling this way because of the tens if thousands of people who didn't get all the amazing things I did. So that just makes it that much worse. I hope this year is different, and that I can spend Christmas in a place where I feel loved, wanted, and needed. Where I feel fulfilled. I suppose this is the end of todays nostalgia/longing rant. Bye guys. Its almost 4 in the morning and I've been typing for an hour.

#personal #long #christmas rant #yes i know its july #fuck summer #i love winter #and holidays

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tinkdw · 7 years

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Chuck and Amara - the ultimate Destiel expositions

Ok so I can’t help but think of Austin Powers and Basil Exposition while writing this whole post cos thats where I learned the term as a 10 year old….

Anyway!

After writing quite a few pieces on Mary as a catalyst for the emotional growth of Sam and Dean I thought about Amara which in turn made me think about Chuck and then came an absolute lightbulb moment (for me). Chuck has already been shown as the narrator and expositional over-voice in Swan Song and alongside this and how I view nearly all Amara’s dialogue in season 11 my brain went to….

Chuck has always been important to Cas’s story obviously and it’s clear that Mary is important to Dean (and Sam’s) story. Going back I’ve noticed so many exposition moments for the bond between Dean and Cas and I realised when noting them down that Chuck often exposes Cas’s side of the story and Amara Dean’s. By exposition moments I mean something that’s not between the two of them but a parallel or an interaction with a different character that exposes their feelings towards the other. This is key on screen because you can’t know what’s going on inside a character’s mind like you can in a book, this has to come another way so you get expositions or self-aware moments like Dean’s praying/longing scene or interactions with other characters like Metatron’s multiple scenes with Cas.

With hindsight I feel like Chuck is a character exposition of Cas’s feelings for Dean and Amara a character exposition of Dean’s feelings for Cas.

Below the cut : How I believe Chuck & Amara reveal Destiel exists in S11.

Rewatching season 11, knowing Amara is herself the catalyst for Mary’s return this makes me even more certain that Amara is our exposition narrative of Dean’s feelings for Cas and Chuck just fits overall due to Cas’s angelic / humanity arc and as a parallel as Cas’s father like Mary is Dean’s mother.

1. Amara as an exposition of Dean’s feelings for Cas.

Once Amara has met Dean she immediately feels his reticence. Lbr most of this is absolutely the fact that she’s trying to control him, he sees her as evil and well, she’s attempting to end the world! So it’s not without reason. However…she (and therefore the viewer too) also notices quite a few other moments where something else seems to be going on with Dean. Perhaps the term could be ‘pining’…

1. Amara is a key component of Cas’s downwards mental spiral through Ambriel and her own words and actions, especially in 11x10. The words expendable and weak are used and Amara tells us that Castiel reeks of fear and self-loathing. This is only starting to be resolved in 12x10 and 12x12, a whole year later when Dean (and Sam but mainly Dean) makes it absolutely clear that he is a valued member of their family and cared for. Amara is absolutely key here in this whole arc, which is still not complete.

2. Love hurts. Ok so this isn’t actually Amara but for the purposes of exposition and the narrative it totally works, especially in an episode all about love and given that she actually SAYS “who I am doesn’t matter” it’s clear that the information she’s giving us is what is important. I know others have written loads about this so I won’t dwell too long. Let’s just say subtext abounds.

Amara: I understand Dean.

Dean: Is that right?

Amara: the longing in your heart, I feel it too.

Dean: Well that’s touching. Consider that you don’t have a heart. Qareen.

Amara: Who I am doesn’t matter. The real question is who are you?

Dean: What do you mean who am I?

Amara: You’re a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel. Except it’s cloaked in shame (pause).

Then she moves on.

Amara: When it comes to this, you can’t help yourself, so why fight it. Just give in.

This whole scene I was just… ?????

The term longing when the whole fandom went crazy over this regarding Cas in season 10. And the exposition Dean gives us about his bond with Amara in the same episode:

Dean: Something happens and I can’t explain it, but to call it desire or love…it’s not that.

So…. the love and longing the ‘love monster’ can feel in Dean’s heart… is canonically NOT towards Amara.

Plus the end of this scene with Amara is such foreshadowing for the real Amara’s discourse during the ‘rescue’ scene (point 5)… they both know.

3. The attempting expelling of Lucifer.

Ok so theres a whole heap of other stuff going on here. Cas’s cute happy face upon realising he’s seen Dean briefly I just have to include for *reasons*

But regarding Amara’s expositional value here (and Lucifer’s too). They BOTH notice when Dean calls out for Cas…

4. Which leads to the longing scene. So again this is one sided, Cas is in the scene albeit comatose. But its through Dean’s longing that Amara can locate Dean (by directly touching his heart pffff). And here, she’s using it against him, holding Cas hostage and telling Dean this directly to lure him out. AND IT WORKS.

5. The rescue scene. “Where are your thoughts?” Dean is willing to put himself in harms way to save Lucifer / Cas. And then this gem:

What is she referring to exactly? She then offers him ‘bliss’, this isn’t what she’s talking about here, what he wants, but its compensation, a recompense because he can’t allow himself to have what he wants, its a way out.

6. By season end Amara has made it clear that she cares for Dean. It’s a large part of why she is redeemed in the end, Dean ‘humanity’ Winchester has taught her that she doesn’t really want to destroy the world. Writers referring back to Metatron’s most famous line here, and Metatron finally gets his ‘redemption moment’ *cough*, sorry but until this point Metatron has been the biggest exposition character to Cas’s feelings for Dean so….double layered call back?

She also I believe understands how important Cas is to him, hence she expells Lucifer from Cas’s body rather than easily just annihilating Lucifer inside him. *Ok ok yes of course they can’t get rid of Cas and Lucifer for story purposes but my shipper goggles won’t allow me to just gloss over this one* ;)

7. So given what Amara textually tells us she knows about Dean, much of it hinges around ‘why doesn’t he let himself have it all, he’s holding back’ etc. She sees Dean’s picture of Mary and brings Mary back. This for me narratively speaks out that she is bringing Mary back not as a mother as such because she doesn’t really understand that concept! But what does she understand? That Dean is holding back from ‘something’ and she feels his mother could help with that… pffffff this is what I’ve been thinking all season 12, that Mary is the catalyst for his and Sam’s emotional growth, not just a ‘mother figure’. Now as her ‘mother figure’ role is being more and more deconstructed as is performing!Dean this is making more and more sense to me.

2. Chuck as an exposition of Cas’s feelings for Dean.

I’ve mentioned Metatron above and he is absolutely key in the exposition of Cas’s feelings but that’s been meta’d a lot so I won’t go into it, suffice to say I feel his part in season 11 and particularly with Amara are a great call back to this.

As a Dean mirror Chuck is really interesting but I’ve noticed a few times where his screen time really emphasises what’s going on between Cas and Dean.

This parallel from 4x18 (thanks @super-sootica!) and 11x23 shows the evolution of their relationship with a directly paralleled visual shot with Chuck’s expression in the background.

source: @super-sootica.

At this point Castiel is still an Angel with a capital A and mainly a tool to the Winchesters, they don’t particularly like him and he doesn’t really see them as much more than a mission….yet. This scene in 4x18 is actually hilarious when rewatching with hindsight of years of relationship growth.

“I could go with you…”

This is a startling contrast. Cas is willing to die with Dean for no benefit.

In between we have Season 5 Castiel/Cas: desperately searching for God as he thinks he can solve their problems.

Versus Season 11 Cas: When he does eventually meet him in 11x23 completely ignores God and puts his faith in DEAN back at the bunker “what do we do now?” is directed at DEAN not at Chuck.

Then at the bar Cas ignores Chuck completely and his only question when the sun is ‘fixed’ is “And Dean?”. The contrast between his actions towards Chuck and Dean are what makes this even more obvious here that Dean is his primary concern.

I also like 5x01 when Chuck tells Sam and Dean that Cas is dead. The difference in the way the brothers deal with this is startling and is fantastically continued throughout the series. Again in season 11 specifically we are shown a true difference between their relationships, “it’s not an IT Sam its CAS!”.

This contrast between how Cas used to have faith in his father and now does in Dean and the contrast between Sam and Dean’s feelings towards Cas really emphasise their feelings towards each other without them even having to interact. It’s the contrast that is key here.

These Chuck scenes in season 11 are great at exposing the evolution of Cas and his emotions since the last time we saw him.

So why is this relevant…

S11 ends with Dean USING HIS WORDS AND TALKING ABOUT FAMILY. About how Amara thought she knew what she wanted but actually she wanted something else. That this is what she NEEDED if not what she WANTED (*this is my whole Mary/brothers arc right here*).

He ‘saves’ Chuck (Cas parallel) from Amara (Mary parallel) and her misguided attempt to ‘kill’ Chuck in order to make the world a 'better’ place as what she wants for it is what she believes is best ie. as she’s been telling us and Dean all season 11, that it’s bliss and he should really want what she’s offering, she knows what’s best for him, kind of like a MOTHER might say, kind of exactly how Mary is justifying working with the BMOL, ridding the world of the supernatural FOR SAM AND DEAN, to give them a ‘better’ world.

And as an aside, through all this? Our narrative exposition that he is not under her spell pretty much every time we see them together after the first time at the angel smiting? The way they show us this is pretty much all through Cas. Dean calling for Cas, Dean asking 'what about Cas?’, Dean trying to expel Lucifer from Cas, Dean going to Amara as a diversion to save Lucifer/Cas, Amara PICKING UP ON DEAN’S LONGING FOR CAS AND USING IT.

Oh and since 12x01 I can’t help but laugh and parallel Amara’s little shocked/computing look when she realises Dean called out for Cas despite her bond with him v Mary’s look during the reunion hug… cos this is the point where Amara really figures it out (as she then uses Cas to draw Dean out) ….

source: @pondlifeforme

Yeah, other people noting Destiel is my fave. Meg, Balthazar, Crowley, pretty much any angel knows to get to Cas through Dean etc etc etc.

SO, LONG POST THANKS FOR GETTING TO THE END WITH ME!

I’m also picking up on how @elizabethrobertajones has pointed out that SPN often mirrors season openings with season endings and remembering Mary pulling a gun on Cas. Dean stepping in the way to to stop her from shooting.

Dean “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” *inserts self in the way*…..

Which is totally where I see this season going towards the end (read 12x19 or later).

So while I’m very Destiel positive (obviously, as I can read it in SO MUCH subtext it seems to me that it’s no accident…. Although whether they follow through on it is another matter, IMO it’s endgame but I know nothing). I am also interested in this arc, this paralleling and mirroring with Cas and Mary and the whole supernatural/monster BMOL arc and how this will work out for Crowley and Cas and Dean ultimately as he is the one more on that side, what I’ve come to term “team grey area”.

But given Chuck and Amara are involved in the narration of their story and I think of them as the ultimate shippers cos you know, God and his sister ;) I’m not too worried for Cas. If anything it will just give us pain re: Mary’s story (though I really hope she doesn’t die and does redeem herself) and hopefully really establish Cas as family because “family doesn’t end in blood”.

Thanks to @godshipsit @castielsmoon and @super-sootica - please anyone do give your opinions, I love a debate :)

#destiel #supernatural meta #destiel meta #castiel #mary winchester #amara #chuck

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