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queenpersephonesgarden · 4 years

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the heart wants what it does not have

Wangxian Week Day 1: Family

In the daylight the thought comes and goes, infrequent but so predictable it’s almost laughable.

There are times when he can ignore it, convince himself it was just nostalgia and old flights of fancy coming back to haunt him like lingering smoke from a bonfire. He gets better at not letting it sneak up out of nowhere to hit him unexpectedly, learns to anticipate it more often than not.

But it still stings, whether he expects it or not.

Jin Ling’s loud, cheeky banter with Jiang Cheng that echoes through whole rooms with both aggravation and affection so interwoven it is hard to tell apart.

Lan Sizhui’s quiet, respectful nod to Lan Zhan as he joins him for guqin practice every afternoon, his wide smile and Lan Zhan’s peaceful expression making for a perfect complement as they played.

Young married couples flitting through the streets of Caiyi with a small child in tow, both tiny hands clasped firmly by one hand of their mother and father as they are led wide-eyed in between stalls brimming with colorful toys and sweets.

Wei Wuxian sees these things, and he wants.

Can also be read on AO3

He wants so, so badly, half-formed dreams of a man leading a stubborn donkey along a winding road by the reins as his husband and child rode along after him, cheerful laughter ringing in the sunlight melting into the waking world to be splayed beneath his fingertips.

He could…. He could have that.

He could, if he would just open his mouth and ask for it.

Just having the option was enough to make him breathless, make his heart race like he’s run a thousand miles with still no end goal in sight.

Wei Wuxian watches a man on the side of the street scoop his daughter up and deposit her laughing into his wife’s arms, and wants.

“Lan Zhan!” he spins right around to face his husband determinedly.

Lan Zhan focuses on him instantly like he always does when Wei Wuxian opens his mouth, and he has to fight down the immediate flush that tries to crawl up his neck. “Lan Zhan, I’ve been thinking-”

The words are right there.

All that’s missing is a little one.

Such simple words, they’d been so easy to say before-

‘Wretched, ungrateful thing,’ some deep, insidious voice that he shamefully refuses to admit is just the slightest bit reminiscent of Madam Yu hisses in his ear. ‘You have so much more than Jiang Yanli, than Jin Zixuan, than all the Wens you let die, and still you dare wish for more?’

A bright flare of pain erupts in his heart, dulled only the slightest bit by time but no less agonizing. His eyes sting, but he refuses to let any tears truly form.

The vitriol isn’t anything he hasn’t thought of before, but it still manages to trap the words behind his teeth once more, grinning widely in the face of Lan Zhan’s questioning look when the silence stretches.

“Ah, it’s nothing. Nothing important!” For a moment he dares to think he may be able to get away with it, that it really will remain a subject to discuss in the distant nebulous future that he simply never has to bring up again.

But then he catches Lan Zhan’s lips pursing out of the corner of his eye, and he knows there’s no way they won’t talk about it now.

He manages to stall the conversation for the rest of the day, though he is self-aware enough to know this is only because Lan Zhan recognizes this as a subject best saved for the privacy of the Jingshi.

Still Wei Wuxian does everything he can think of to avoid the inevitable, taking extra long in the bath after dinner, scrubbing exaggeratedly at his skin until it’s worn pink and wrinkled from the water, all the while keeping up a stream of nonsense chatter as it comes to mind.

“-and the time delay could probably be extended if I added another stroke in the opposite direction-”

“Mn.”

“-I’ll have to ask A-Yuan and Lan Jingyi if they’d be willing to help me test it-”

“Mn.”

“-course, we’ll probably have to find a bigger target range this time in case it catches fire again-”

“Wei Ying.” A towel appears draped over the privacy screen, right where it normally would be if Wei Wuxian had not purposefully left it behind to be cause for a bit of distraction once he stepped out of the bath, dripping wet and naked with nothing to cover himself with.

Wei Wuxian grins sheepishly even as he sinks a bit lower into the lukewarm water. “Ah, gege is so attentive today,” he lets his voice go sly and teasing at the end. “But is he sure he wants his husband to cover up? I thought he might enjoy a little show once I finished-”

“Wei Ying. The water is going cold.” The man manages to radiate disapproval even without looking behind the screen.

The confident smirk he’d been trying for slid off of Wei Wuxian’s face like rainwater.

He wraps himself in the towel and empties the tub in silence, listening to the distant shuffling of footsteps and fabric as Lan Zhan readied for bed across the room. Wringing his hands while his husband changed felt too strange, too- too distant, and Wei Wuxian did not like it at all, so he clenched his fingers and circled around the privacy screen, padding across the room in determined silence.

The Jingshi feels simultaneously too large and too small for the quiet, the shadows at the corners of the room stretching into silent nothingness as his footsteps bring him to the bedroom.

Wei Wuxian finally slips into bed and feels more nervous than he has for a long time. It takes him one moment, two, before he can raise his eyes to his husband.

Lan Zhan’s gaze was unwavering. “You are unhappy.”

Sudden panic jolted Wei Wuxian into blurting out, “No! I’m never unhappy with you!”

Lan Zhan’s entire face softening infinitely at the quick rebuttal was so unexpectedly endearing Wei Wuxian couldn’t help smiling helplessly, nerves abruptly melting with the force of his joy. Winding his arms around Lan Zhan to press close as he whispered softly, “How could I ever be unhappy when er-gege loves me so much? When I love him so much?”

A shaky breath that could have been a laugh as arms wrapped around him in turn, before lips pressed softly to his temple. “You are… upset,” Lan Zhan gently corrects.

Wei Wuxian hummed noncommittally, then cringes guiltily when the arms around him tighten minutely.

“Not… exactly, but I guess I am, a little.”

“Why?”

Wei Wuxian sighed gustily, a great, explosive breath as the same want from the marketplace surged through his ribcage and rather impatiently forced its way out of his mouth:

“It’s just…. This is more than I could have ever asked for, in a life. You, and A-Yuan, and Jin Ling and all the other juniors, Lan Xichen; even Jiang Cheng when he’s in a good mood! We already have a wonderful family. I wouldn’t change it for anything! I just-!” Here he bit his lip hard, relieved that the tears from earlier don’t resurface even as his heart clenches painfully.

“I would- love, love to have another child with you. To raise one with you, properly this time. Not that A-Yuan isn’t proper! He’s the most Lan-ish Lan I’ve ever met! You did an amazing job with him! But- just-!”

“To raise them with me,” Lan Zhan said quietly, and Wei Wuxian bit his lip even harder.

Nodded fiercely with his eyes squeezed shut.

“How many?”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes popped open. “Hah?”

“How many would make you happy?”

Fond surprise lit up his heart, before exasperated amusement berated him for being surprised at all.

Wei Wuxian hummed in exaggerated thought, gaze fixed on a certain point on the ceiling and ignoring his husband’s steady gaze; he knows if he meets Lan Zhan’s earnest, determined gaze now, he’d likely start either laughing or crying.

“A dozen. No, two dozen. Boys with your eyes and my smile. Girls with steady calligraphy like yours and loud laughter like me. Uncouth hellions that run carelessly through the Cloud Recesses and give your uncle a few new gray hairs before he reaches seventy. Dozens and dozens of little ones to equal the horde of rabbits you have stashed away in the meadow.”

Grinning far too wide at the images his words painted across his mind, Wei Wuxian chanced a glance down at Lan Zhan’s face. “Aiyo, but too many at once would probably send your uncle into a qi deviation. I don’t think my happiness would be worth that.”

“Wei Ying deserves to be happy,” Lan Zhan says, matter of fact, and though Wei Wuxian had meant it to be a joke, Lan Zhan’s voice was so serious that suddenly Wei Wuxian’s eyes were stinging again.

“Lan Zhan. You know you can’t just suddenly say things like that!”

Lan Zhan huffs in amusement, and Wei Wuxian cannot resist hugging him again.

“Would… would raising a child with me make you happy?” he asks, just to be sure, because Lan Zhan is far too often in the habit of focusing on Wei Wuxian’s happiness before all else, and this was a bit too huge of a decision for just one of them to make.

There was no response for a long moment. Wei Wuxian reluctantly pulled back from the embrace, just enough to look at his husband’s face.

The small, awed smile lighting Lan Zhan’s face is utterly devastating.

Wei Wuxian’s jaw goes slack when Lan Zhan offers a wordless, joyful nod, and for a moment they’re both too overwhelmed for words, foreheads pressed together and breathing the same air in a different, softer quiet than before.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Silly imaginings of a little one with two parents and a donkey wandering the country no longer seem so silly.

It’s only a long time later that Lan Zhan’s eyes spark in the half-light, pale gold shining in a way that most people would believe to be far too devious a look for the illustrious Hanguang-jun to wear. The man who had married him knew him far too well to be surprised by it.

Wei Wuxian squinted in suspicion. “What is it?”

“Hmm.” Graceful fingers cupped Wei Wuxian’s jaw in a familiar soft gesture that had him instinctively, foolishly sliding his eyes shut at the painful warmth that touch awoke in his chest. “I was simply thinking that we should get started, then.”

Honest confusion made Wei Wuxian blink his eyes open and stare. “Hah? Started?”

Only the slightest tilt of Lan Zhan’s lips suggested his amusement when he said, “On the little ones. I’ve been led to believe they take time to make.”

Startled laughter burst out of Wei Wuxian’s mouth, only to be half muffled when Lan Zhan covered his lips insistently with his own. Still, even amidst such an onslaught of affection, Wei Wuxian felt the need to try and point out the obvious flaw in this logic. “Aha Lan Zhan, unlike most couples, we’re not going to be able to do this the old-fashioned way- ah! Ah!”

A/N: Mo Dao Zu Shi broke into my home and beat my writer’s block over the head with a mallet. It feels good to be back. ~Persephone

#Wangxian #Wei Wuxian #Wei Ying #Lan Wangji #Lan Zhan #Mo Dao Zu Shi #MDZS #MDZS fanfiction #my writing #Wangxian Week

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