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insomniacowl · 3 years

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Neon genesis Evangelion Analysis Chapter 23: Katsuragi Misato Part 2 Dear Shinji, this is my will.

Misato: So you don't want to meet your dad?

Just like me

Let us start from the beginning. The scene in the first episode where Misato drives down to meet Shinji. Her first words to him were, "Sorry, I made you wait." This, I believe, is the first of many times their interactions will revolve around the theme of "Waiting." The line also contrasts with her final words to Shinji, "Let's continue when you get back."

Her cross is first brought to our attention through Shinji's eyes as Misato shields him from the blast of explosions from the Self-defense force's missiles used against Sakiel. Then, on their way to NERV, Shinji confides to her about his feelings towards Gendou. Misato empathizes, saying, "You're just like me," pointing to their commonalities.

She later consoles Shinji as he refuses to pilot Eva-01 and tells him to "Not run away from himself." At this point, she was already seeing herself reflected in Shinji, and those words were meant for herself as well.

After this point, Misato constantly finds herself reflected on Shinji. While it has a positive influence, like in episode 1, it also frequently caused Shinji to hurt. One criticism viewers lay on Misato is the sarcastic tone she sometimes takes when talking to Shinji about his actions. "You don't want to pilot the Eva? With that kind of determination…. What a pain!", Is one of the harsh words directed at Shinji. Even in episode 12, her cold reaction to Shinji's contemplation regarding Asuka is also, in its own way, infamous.

Yet, if we consider that she sees a lot of herself in Shinji, those lines come to represent her self-contempt rather than how she sees the fourteen-year-old. Misato was not really in the position to take care of teenagers if we consider her character flaws.

While such actions are worthy of criticism, there is room to empathize considering the traumas she had to endure, which has shaped the kind of "Adult" she became. As a young child, she was in the center of the Second Impact, and the psychological impact has led to her being mute for a few years. However, she seemed to have eventually recovered. Perhaps to compensate, we are told that she became an overly happy and talkative person. On top of this, she has studied hard and become a student at the Second-Tokyo city University. She met and began living with Kaji in the year 2005, at the age of twenty. According to Ritsuko, she even had a week-long sex marathon with Kaji, where neither of them left the house during the period.

To elaborate on her constant need for physical pleasure, we can start from the glimpse of her inner monologue we get during the instrumentality. We learn that it was one of the few things she had control over that made her feel alive when she was intimate with Kaji. Yet she breaks up with him because She saw a glimpse of her father reflected in him, although that was what got her attracted to him in the first place.

What are you embarrassed about? You wanted the man you love to see you for who you were. NO!

I wonder about that. You wanted your father to see you for who you were. That's not true!

We can identify Misato as struggling with Electra Complex (Oedipus Complex for girls) regarding how she views her father. She then attempted to quench the thirst for affection her father failed to provide her from a different man who felt similar to him. This can be observed through Kaji and Shinji. Two people sharing the same character flaws as her father (Workaholic and being bad at human interaction) being the two people she opened herself up to (Mentally, emotionally, and sexually). Misato was hoping to compensate for the loss she suffered and recover from her past trauma using her relationship with these two.

Consciously or unconsciously, she likely understood this side of herself. She felt disgusted by herself, leading to her breaking up with Kaji while punishing and labeling herself as someone "Undeserving to love." While her relationship with Kaji was open and overtly described in the series, some of you might wonder how Shinji is involved in this process. Especially regarding the sexual aspect of this analysis.

We can definitively say that Misato and Shinji do not share a simple Guardianship relation. But the discussion about Misato and Shinji can wait for now. First, let us discuss Hyuga Makoto.

Hyuga is seen approaching Misato as more than just a direct superior at work (Especially after Kaji's death). "Only if it's with you (I don't mind dying from the base self-destructing)." It is a telling line that highlights Hyuga's feelings that he begins acting on in the latter part of the series. Turning him into a more dimensional character. While Misato seems to be aware of such advances, we never see her acting on it. Neither accepting nor rejecting him outright. Since this is at the low point of her emotional journey, Misato would have been okay with anyone. Thus, it makes us wonder if there could have been more intimacy between the two off-screen. I'd argue that Hyuga died a virgin (or at least that there was no sexual relationship between the two) based on Hyuga's fantasy during the instrumentality.

To bring our discussion back to Kaji, we are shown that he was the first man she trusted and gave her first intimacy to. At the same time, she was someone Kaji was able to trust and be vulnerable with. We never see either of them refer to each other by their names. While the reason is not depicted, we can make an educated guess and say that it stems from their determination to interact professionally. Without letting their (embarrassing) past hinder their work.

But perhaps it was destined that this guise was not meant to be. In episode 15, we see the two confide in each other. Misato laments about her father and her regret of not being a good lover for Kaji. Kaji embraces and accepts her of it. The last time they ever shared a bed, Kaji gives her his final present. His death led to Misato shedding many tears, but the present helped guide her to her next step. Before this point, we see her constantly drinking her favorite beer, but never after this event. All we see her drink from then on is canned coffee, Kaji's favorite drink. And now, two peoples' worth of "Will" lived on inside her. One from her father, the other from Kaji.

Now, let's discuss the last "Male" in her life: Shinji. As mentioned earlier, Shinji was more than just a child under her care. Shinji's first introduction of Misato was through her photo that she sent him. It is a revealing photo of herself with arrows drawing attention to her breast. As a side note, the actual words in this image were written by Anno himself, and the lipstick mark was from one of the female Gainax staff.

From the photo, we can see that Misato wants Shinji to see her as more than a potential caretaker (as ethically should), but as someone of opposite gender and a "potential" love interest. Although, of course, we can brush it aside as a part of her quirky and fun-loving attitude. But the problem arises in the latter part of the series where this attitude crosses the line. The suspicion is confirmed in the official pamphlet's character introduction describing her as Shinji's family + co-worker + superior + "lover."

Misato: Shinji, I'm going in. This is about all I can do for you right now.

Shinji: No!

The scene central to this discussion happens in episode 23 when she takes her seat next to Shinji, who is grieving the death of Second Rei on his bed. Although surface-level reading is, Misato wants to hold his hands to comfort him. If that is the case, the line "This is all I can do for you right now" is unnecessary. And not only that, but Shinji's rejection of this advance is also too strong to justify the conclusion of the surface level analysis. If anything comes to mind about an act that two grown-up adults do on the bed is "Sex."

Even if we try to give the benefit of the doubt and stay at the surface-level conclusion that is psychologically comfortable, this is Evangelion. It refuses psychological comfort. The film book released by Gainax has a note about this scene that says, "Misato is attempting to give Shinji her body." This is even alluded to in the shot right before the line, the head of the chair being where Shinji's Penis would be, and Misato coming to sit right on top of it.

Throughout the series, both Misato and Asuka approach Shinji as the "Other sex." it's natural for Asuka since they are the same age. However, it is unnatural to think of Misato (Who is twice his age) approaching Shinji sexually (neither should be accepted). So let's dive into how Misato might think about that. As early as episode 2, we are shown Misato yelling at Ritsuko through the phone, saying, "There is no way I will lay my hands on a boy!". This is perhaps foreshadowing what she will be doing in the later part of the series. So what changed in her throughout the series that she would end up trying to lay her hands on Shinji sexually. Did she genuinely believe that it was the only way she can console Shinji? Or perhaps there was a more selfish reason, to distract herself from the sadness of losing Kaji? Well, it could be both. There is a middle ground and an explanation that I prefer. Kaji was the only man she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Because the best means of communication between the two have been sexual, she most likely believed this to be the most effective way to empathize and be vulnerable with Shinji.

We can see this as another manifestation of her Electra complex if we consider that Shinji also reminds her of her father.

As many of you are aware, Evangelion borrows concepts from psychology and is strongly influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis. Psychological terms are heavily used, especially in later episodes. The characters' internal conflicts are put into the spotlight in episodes 18, 19, and 20. All these episodes use terms from psychoanalysis for their title. Let me touch on each of them briefly over here. Episode 18's title is "Ambivalence." It refers to the coexistence of two conflicting emotions (Love and hate) regarding something and was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1911. Freud borrowed this term in his analysis. His followers believed it to be an essential state that leads to the sadistic sub-phase of development. Episode 18 is also when the dummy-controlled Eva Unit-01 destroys Bardiel. Thus the title can also help us understand the Destrudo-led sadistic destruction of the dummy program.

Episode 19's title is "Introjection" and was a term heavily used by Freud. It is the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others and a psychological defensive mechanism used by the ego to minimize anxiety. Almost every human being goes through this phase and is a part of healthy development as an individual. Episode 19 is when Shinji emits a strong dose of Destrudo and achieves a 400% synchronization rate. Here, we can try to explain the use of this term for the episode title in two ways. The first is to refer to the synchronization process of the pilot and the Evangelion. Secondly (and more specifically to the episode), to refer to Shinji becoming an individual that has become a part of Unit-01. Becoming a part of Unit-01 who have just absorbed the S2 engine and become as though god.

Last is episode 20, titled "Oral stage," and is the stage central to Freud's theory of Libido's development. Libido is the potential sexual energy, and Freud categorized the development into four distinct stages, starting with the oral stage. During this stage of development, the child clings onto its mother's breast for nourishment. This is also when the child begins to develop the ability to distinguish between themselves and the other. The significant happening of episode 20 is salvaging Shinji from Unit-01's Core, trying to bring Shinji back as an individual and away from the comfort of his mother. This can be seen to parallel the child leaving its mother's womb and coming to be born into its own person. And to add, they had to inject Libido into the Core to salvage him.

To return from our long detour, Evangelion is a series that heavily draws its conceptual inspiration from Psychology and Freudian psychoanalysis. What Freud posits, and perhaps most central to his scholarship, understands that desires created by both Libido and Destrudo, any forms of mental energy are irresistible and irrepressible. That is to say, if during one's development if any of such mental energies' expressions are disturbed and blocked off, it will results in the development of harmful coping mechanisms as an adult. In the case of Misato, her father's absence resulted in the absence of ways to healthily release her Libido. Therefore, Misato's inappropriate advance towards Shinji could manifested the harmful coping mechanism she developed as a child.

Losing her father as a child resulted in dysregulation in Libido. Losing Kaji, the only person she truly loved, left Masato broken. At this point, she had no other way to release her desires other than laying hands on a vulnerable child. When both Shinji and Penpen refused her the physical affection she needed, she could only find comfort in listening to Kaji's final voice message in repeat. Yet, she did not lose all possibility to recover. She was able to dry out her tears and began to follow the road her father once took. This leads her to analyze the evidence Kaji passes onto her and begins questioning the truth behind Rei. By the end, she manages to reach close enough to understand the "Truth." This is how she was able to explain to Shinji what was going on. She also experiences character growth through this process, becoming able to fully understand and empathize with the pain of others.

This is also when we see her starting to differ from Asuka. While both lost Kaji, whom they both loved, Misato comes to accept this loss and can carry herself as an adult. By the end, she was mature enough to send the grieving Shinji to Unit-01 during the End of Evangelion. While Misato has always convinced Shinji to get on the Eva, now, she was different from the past. Unlike in episode 4, where she emotionally manipulated Shinji into piloting Eva. Unlike episode 12, where she drew a hard line and coldly forced him. In EOE, she was no longer forcing Shinji out of her own hatred of the angels. All there was, was a grown adult's desire to convince a child that "Life is worth living." Even if she were to die during this process. All there was, was Misato's advice as an adult to the crying child. And it was this "will to live" that was passed on from Misato to Shinji.

Misato places her necklace on Shinji's hands and wraps his hands around it. Just as how she once held onto it while facing death in its face. Her father's memento. The love towards one's family. Hope for humanity. And all else that the cross symbolized. And the cross passed on from Misato to Shinji like the passing of the torch. To pass on the will to live. This was followed by a grown-up's kiss, just like how Kaji showed her, the perfect way to, perhaps the only way to fully communicate this will and pass it on. To want the other to continue living and hoping to live on as a part of their memory.

With the kiss, Misato stopped pretending to be Shinji's inept guardian.

She sent Shinji off, hoping that he could become a grown-up who can stand by himself.

Misato: You will be alone from this point on. You need to choose for yourself.

Shinji: No. I can't.

Misato: Crying isn't going to solve anything, either!

Misato: You hate yourself, don't you? That's why you hurt others. Deep down, you know that you suffer more when you cause someone else pain than if you just let yourself get hurt. But Shinji, that was your decision, so that makes it a valid choice. That's what you wanted, so that makes it worthwhile, Stop lying to yourself, and realize that you do have options. Then accept the choices that you made.

Shinji: But you're not me. You don't understand!

Misato: So what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean it's okay for you to give up! If you do, I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live.

Misato: I'm not perfect either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later, I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again. A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself.

Please, Shinji. You've got to pilot Eva and settle this once and for all. Find out why you came here. Why you exist at all.

And when you've found your answers, come back to me. Promise me. See you soon.

Kaji: Go and do what you can. No one will force that choice on you. Think for yourself and decide for yourself. GO and do what you must right now. So that you don't live to regret it.

Misato: If I had known it would end like this, I would have changed the carpet as Asuka suggested.

Many discussions about Eva centered around her last words, the one about the Carpet and Asuka. Most of the theories have interpreted it with the spilled coffee during the instrumentality scene. I'll touch on the scenes shown in instrumentality in future chapters. But for the discussion here, note that the coffee was not spilled on the carpet during the instrumentality scenes. So I'd instead interpret this line separately from it. Personally, I believe this to be Misato, as an adult, regretting not being as kind and compassionate as she could have been to Asuka.

Unlike Shinji, who she managed to pass on her will and true feelings, she did not have that privilege with Asuka. Instead, she wallowed in her sadness, not looking out for Asuka, who was herself suffering from traumas and grief. The regret of not being a good guardian and not making the home comfortable for Asuka would have hit her as waves of regret crashed in as she laid bleeding cold on the floor of section R-20.

After Shinji, who she just sent off, Asuka, who she feels sorry for, After Penpen, who was always there for her, Kaji now crosses her mind. Was she waiting for his praise for passing on his will to Shinji?

As though she can see him, she stares at the sky. Right before the explosion, we see Rei standing over her. Perhaps it was Lilith who traveled through time.

And we come to the final scene of the EoE. Shinji and Asuka are lying down on the shore, staring at the sky. At this moment, we are reminded of Misato through the cross, now nailed to a wooden post. The cross has come to symbolize Misato's hope and dreams for the two children who will now be growing up into two adults. Will Misato be able to revert back to her human form by her soul desiring it? Nobody knows. But I don't think that matters. Because now, Shinji carries on her will.

Let's continue when you get back.

I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome Shinji, this is your new home.

I'm back.

Welcome back!

Sorry, made you wait!

TBC Chapter 24: Ritsuko Part 1 Mother and Daughter

#Neon genesis evangelion #Evangelion #Eva #End of Evangelion #Nge #Nagisa Kaworu #Lilith #Sci-fi #Ikari Shinji #Soryu Asuka Langley #Asuka #Ayanami Rei #rei #Anno Hideaki #Katsuragi Misato #Kaji Ryoji #Anime #Analysis #Review

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crystalelemental · 7 years

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Holy wow, two in one day?! That’s right, I finally came up with a name for this team, and now it is time for yet another Pokemon team personalities rundown! Today’s team: Team Sovereign. Format will be the same as always:

Name and Species (name meaning/origin in link) Nature Characteristic (for those unaware: there’s a “characteristic” applied to each Pokemon that tells you what its best stat is) Ability Hold item EV spread Moves Description of their personality

Also, as before, I’ll list the team names here:

Harlow the Golem Calanthe the Milotic Naoko the Cinccino Ayaka the Florges Misaki the Lilligant Senka the Banette

Hopefully that will help keep things in order.

Harlow the Golem Nature: Adamant Characteristic: Capable of taking hits Ability: Sturdy Item: Custap Berry (act first when at critical health once) EVs: 252 HP, 252 Attack, 4 Sp. Def. Moves: Rock Blast, Earthquake, Explosion, Stealth Rock Personality: One of the four queens of the forests, Harlow is known as the Stonewall Queen, due to her exceptional defenses and strength. Harlow is a fiercely loyal defender of the territory, and functions as the first line of defense for the team. Harlow prides herself on her physical strength, focusing on raw power above all else. In her personal life, Harlow is jovial and easy-going, but strong in her convictions. She always pushes for the path she feels is correct, even if it is the harder path to take. Harlow is well-liked by the Pokemon of the forest, and is considered a fair and just leader above all else.

Harlow gets along best with Naoko, for whom she acts as a mentor and guide. She is fiercely loyal to the team, yet distrusts Senka entirely. Her relationship with Calanthe can be shaky at times. When discussing their roles, Harlow feels Calanthe is too volatile, and needs to be a more stalwart leader. Harlow also feels that Misaki’s views can be far too extreme, and attempts to side with Ayaka as a more level-headed opposition.

Calanthe the Milotic Nature: Bold Characteristic: Takes plenty of siestas Ability: Competitive Item: Sitrus Berry EVs: 252 HP, 252 Def, 4 Sp. Def Moves: Scald, Ice Beam, Toxic, Recover Personality: Brash and capricious, Calanthe is known as the Mercurial Queen, due to her frequent and often severe volatility. While generally presenting as composed, Calanthe does not respond well to setbacks or challenges to her rule, and can become enraged easily. Calanthe’s volatility makes her fairly distrusted by others, including the other monarchs. “Stability” is a big factor in Calanthe’s motivations, and she seeks that stability above all else. However, despite her drive for external stability, she struggles with her own emotional stability more than most. Control is important, but there are many things about leadership that are outside of her control, and this drives her feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. As a result, whenever her plans or sense of control are thrown off, she can begin to lash out at everything around her, and bring her full fury upon the disruption in an effort to quell both the external threat, and her own negative self-perception.

Calanthe’s relationships are strained, to say the least. Her most notable relationship, with Misaki, is one born of inequality. Calanthe admires Misaki’s confidence, and feels a strong sense of stability from Msaki’s ability to control situations, although Misaki does not often seem to consider Calanthe as much. Calanthe also appreciates young Naoko, whose upbeat attitude and dedication to the queens is something she applauds. She also considers herself something of a role model to the child, although the others are concerned that she may actually be right on that. Interestingly, Ayaka’s soft-spoken approach and ability to soothe an inflamed ego has led to Calanthe being most influenced by her. While Calanthe considers herself a needed support for Ayaka, it’s clear to onlookers that it is often the reverse that’s true.

Naoko the Cinccino Nature: Jolly Characteristic: Likes to Run Ability: Skill Link Item: King’s Rock EVs: 252 Atk, 252 Speed, 4 HP Moves: Tail Slap, Bullet Seed, Rock Blast, Knock Off Personality: Naoko is, quite literally, a child of the forest. Young and energetic, Naoko is quick to get herself involved in the affairs of others, particularly affairs of greater importance. Whether this interference is by her design or simply the idle curiosity of a child, her skill in both combat and gaining affection from others cannot be ignored. As with many youth, Naoko enjoys playing tricks, and is well aware of how best to surprise or otherwise irritate others. Despite this tendency, her actions are always interpreted as the playfulness of youth, and her disposition is always cheerful and sweet, leading to many adoring and doting fans. These talents were not overlooked by the queens, who saw an opportunity in the youth and sought to bring her up as another to enter their fold in time.

Naoko gets along well with most members of the team, though she is intimidated by Misaki and Senka. Despite this, she approaches both with a positive and friendly attitude. Misaki is kind, though somewhat short, which Naoko attributes to stress of the job. Oddly, Senka is quite polite and communicative, and frequently praises Naoko’s accomplishments. Still, Naoko is always closest to Harlow, whom she admires greatly and considers a mentor figure. Calanthe also often tried to get Naoko’s attention, and Naoko will often oblige her. Despite Calanthe’s volatility, she is more careful around Naoko. Naoko tends to see through to Calanthe’s personal insecurities in these moments, and believes that being close with her will help Calanthe to feel more relaxed and stable herself.

Ayaka the Florges (Yellow) Nature: Calm Characteristic: Capable of Taking Hits Ability: Flower Veil Item: Leftovers EVs: 252 HP, 252 Sp. Def., 4 Def Moves: Moonblast, Wish, Protect, Aromatherapy Personality: Calm and level-headed, Ayaka is known as the Placid Queen, due to her reputation as a thoughtful and empathic leader. Ayaka considers herself as counsel for the queens, and has a knack for diplomacy. Even for the hot-blooded Misaki and the volatile Calanthe, her words are given top priority, and are often the only thing keeping them in check. Ayaka is incredibly well-respected as a peaceful ruler, but has a reputation for being slow to act. When immediate action needs to be taken, the other queens are far more likely to act. Ayaka is not opposed to action, but will often want to consider a full range of options before moving forward with anything. As such, she serves as an excellent check to the others, but requires prodding to enact changes.

Ayaka is close with all the queens, and considers them valuable allies. She is often working with Misaki, whom she believes requires her input the most. She is often involved with Naoko as well, attempting to teach the child the value of foresight and negotiation. Ayaka also serves as a close support for Calanthe, and does her best to bolster the young queen’s confidence. Ayaka is highly wary of Senka, and believes that she should never have been released. The ancient spirit is considered a danger for a reason, and she fears that Misaki’s actions were not fully considered as they ought to have been.

Misaki the Lilligant Nature: Modest Characteristic: Mischievous Ability: Own Tempo Item: Life Orb EVs: 252 Sp. Atk, 196 Speed, 60 Def Moves: Giga Drain, Hidden Power Fire, Quiver Dance, Sleep Powder Personality: In the public forums, Misaki is refined and elegant, speaking calmly and carefully to others. She plays the role of a public figure well, and expresses that she honestly is more demure at heart. However, those who know her well enough know better. Misaki’s persona is very hot-blooded and passionate, earning her the title of the Choleric Queen. While the Four Queens are allies meant to make decisions as a collective, Misaki has taken it upon herself to act independently on several occasions, not the least of which was releasing the dark spirit, Senka. Misaki’s actions have earned her distrust from many, though there are few who would say she does not get results. Misaki is extremely goal-oriented, and will do whatever is necessary to accomplish her goals. Thankfully for most, one of her primary goals is to maintain the forest as a safe location. She believes that the forest is often too slow to act, and may be devastated by a changing and hostile world if they don’t act with strength and conviction. This strength has been used to turn away invaders that would have otherwise been nigh-impossible to stop, earning her another title as “Godslayer Misaki.” Her effectiveness and efficiency has been proven time and again, and while she may not be a trusted domestic leader like Ayaka and Harlow, she is feared and respected more than any other.

Misaki’s relationships are almost exclusively established in respect, and she carries no significantly close friends. She respects Ayaka most of the queens, and considers her guidance crucial. Harlow she finds too inflexible, and Calanthe, while supportive in her ambitions, often lacks her own convictions and is too easily swept up in emotion to be trustworthy. Naoko shows potential, and Misaki is careful to ensure that the child is brought up understanding what is needed to ensure peace. However, none of these are people she would consider friends. Oddly enough, while Senka was released as a pawn, the two have been spending more and more time in each other’s presence. Although Misaki would never admit this, she finds herself engaged with the history of the spirit, and their ambitions have forged somewhat of a personal connection that she’s never truly had before.

Senka the Banette Nature: Careful Characteristic: Somewhat vain Ability: Cursed Body -> Prankster Item: Banettite EVs: 252 HP, 252 Sp. Def, 4 Atk Moves: Knock Off (considering Phantom Force, need to test), Will-o-Wisp, Destiny Bond, Substitute Personality: In ages past, Senka was known as the dark spirit of the woods; a terrifying and vile creature that did as she pleased, often bringing harm to others on her way. However, four allies banded together within the forest and defeated the spirit by stealing away the mega stone that was her source of power, and sealing her away deep within the wood. These four became the first queens of the forest, from which the current royals are descended. This imprisonment continued for ages, until Misaki sought to turn a former enemy into a new, powerful ally. Misaki returned the mega stone that was stolen, and released Senka from captivity. While Senka’s first action following this kindness was to attack the queen and attempt to escape, Misaki soundly defeated the spirit alone and brought Senka to heel. Currently, Senka plays the obedient puppet. While she currently satisfies herself with pushing for more reckless action to bring Misaki to ruin, she often considers simply turning on the queen and making her escape. However, this was in the beginning.

After battles with Misaki, watching her defend the woods and so soundly defeat opponents greater than herself, Senka developed a respect for the queen, and has decided to stick around, “just to see how far she goes.” Despite the cavalier explanation, Senka has been quite taken with Misaki, and finds what drives the queen fascinating and worthy of admiration and support. While Senka has no qualms against any of the others, she finds it difficult to get along with Harlow and Ayaka, who are well aware of her previous reign of terror and are not quick to forgive and forget. Senka is quite pleasant with Naoko, who seems curious about her, if somewhat wary. Senka will sometimes play on these apprehensions, but seems to have the child’s best interests at heart.

#my pokemon teams #harlow the golem #calanthe the milotic #naoko the cinccino #ayaka the florges #misaki the lilligant #senka the banette #golem #milotic #cinccino #florges #lilligant #banette #mega banette #Mercurial Queen is probably one of the cooler titles I've made #also I think I inadvertently made Misaki a villain #oops #team sovereign

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tailorcanoe55-blog · 5 years

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I Hit Rock Bottom 45 Days Ago - Here's How I Turned It Around

I keep looking at this pic of Joshua and I at a black tie wedding last month. I look totally normal. And we had such a blast that night! But there was so much going on below the surface that you couldn't see. Over the last year I have been:

Having debilitating anxiety and panic attacks

Struggling to connect and feel vulnerable in existing and new relationships

Feeling lost at work and like I have no idea what I'm doing

Feeling lost personally and like I have no idea who I am

I spent so much time and effort trying to control and avoid the things that were triggering my anxiety that 45 days ago, I finally realized I couldn't keep going that way. I hit rock bottom. At first, it felt like weakness to admit I was feeling that way, or to even have anxiety in the first place. But now I'm absolutely sure that it's the definition of courage to be open to confronting our past trauma, the root of our fear, or whatever it is that is holding us back. Not to ignore it like I did for so long, not to yell at it - but to sit with it calmly in the darkness and ask: "What are you here to teach me?"

In this conversation between Oprah and Gary Zukav, he describes our soul as a fleet of ships. Our purpose is to follow the mothership, which guides the path of our soul, in order to fulfill our life's purpose. Over the last year, I've gone through a raging storm. Many circumstances in my life right now are bleak, and I'm facing some very real challenges and problems that I need to solve. And in that storm, I lost my true north. I let doubt creep in. I didn't just wonder if I was going the right direction, I started to question: "Am I even in the right boat?"

Forty-five days later, most of my circumstances look exactly the same, but I feel so peaceful. I am excited about life again. I know that I am in the right boat and going the right direction (bad circumstances and all - those things don't happen in spite of your journey, they are an integral part of it). I'm steering this little boat, so I can choose to get back on course, and leave the path of the storm (I just needed to find my way out). I have absolute hope and confidence about the future, because I have faith we, as a fleet, are going somewhere great again.

Which is a lot of blah-blah fluffy stuff so here's what these past 45 days really looked like. Here's how I turned my life around in a month and a half:

Admitted I needed help - This is not just something people say, you really have to admit it first. I thought ignoring anxiety would make it better, that I could outsmart it, that I could trick my brain into just letting me do whatever I wanted to do. Nope. Doesn't work that way. I was thinking "I don't have time for these issues right now with all these bad circumstances," but later I realized that those circumstances were actually because I haven't been paying enough time and attention to the issues in the first place. I had to stop focusing on the triggers and get really brave about confronting the ugly stuff underneath.

Appointed a leader - I couldn't steer my own boat anymore, I needed a shipmate to take the wheel for a bit. So my next step was entering into a relationship with a therapist to help guide my progress and hold me accountable. This could also be a friend, mentor or pastor.

Spent copious, selfish amounts of time on getting well - Trust me when I say I couldn't afford to take this time financially or schedule-wise, but I also couldn't afford not to. I let myself get to rock bottom so I didn't have any other choice. Setting up time in your schedule before that happens is certainly ideal and and more manageable. Copious, selfish amounts of time looked like 4-6 hours a day for me (I was barely functioning anyway so I was either going to use that time to sulk, or use it to get better), but for you copious, selfish amounts of time may be 15 minutes a day.

Unplugged - I was very intentional with all that time: No personal use of social media. Skipped many social functions. Took many days off of work. Stopped watching TV. In essence, I deliberately (and at times painfully) stepped away from "numbing" behaviors - which for me are being busy and working, but also things like watching television. In place of those activities, I spent time doing yoga (often 2 classes per day), praying, connecting with friends one-on-one, talk therapy, praise and worship, reading, and listening to inspirational podcasts.

Found the source - It took all of these activities for a solid month before I found the really gritty nuggets. Things buried so deep just saying them out loud for the first time was terrifying. Think of it like deep cleaning your house or fixing a car - sometimes you gotta really get in there with some elbow grease.

I've heard lots of messages that I really needed to hear in these last 45 days, and I've got pages and pages of note-taking and journaling as a result. (Writing things out was an especially helpful part of the journey that I would recommend as well.) The thing I really needed to hear most for my situation though? It came from Oprah: people often say they don't know out what their purpose or calling is, but they already know. They know deep down. It's already in there. They are just too scared to admit it because it's not going how they want it to go right now. That was the "hit upside the head" moment I needed. My true north has been there the whole time. I just needed to find it again.

Recommended reading: - This book by Brene Brown. Helpful in sorting through the pain and numbing behaviors and really figuring out the root of it and what you're running from. - This book about trauma. If you've ever felt unable to control emotions from past hurts and trauma. Turns out science supports this. Trauma changes our physical brain, and just like any physical injuries that might need a splint or cast for, therapies like EMDR can help your brain hit reset so you can finally move on. - Oprah's SuperSoul podcast. Inspiring, riveting first-hand experiences of other people's journeys and how they navigate the same waters. - This poem, Ithaka. Which reminds me a bit of The Alchemist. For when lyrical, poetic inspiration about forging ahead on our life's journey hits the spot. - This book, The Seat of The Soul. It just came in the mail and I haven't read yet so I'm cheating a little here, but it's the source of the ship metaphor, and a bestseller for 25 years. - Whatever books and materials you need for YOU and your specific journey. Learning more about yourself and interpreting what makes you tick, is what empowers us to be able to relate and connect with those around us. I found the book Quiet to be especially helpful in understanding being an introvert. Dodging Energy Vampires was my introduction and ah-ha moment of being an empath. And Ted Talks like Growing Up Gifted made the connection between what seemed like arbitrary classes I took as a kid, with real ways it affects my life today.

The light within me honors the light within every one of you. I hope you found some inspiration here today for your journey!

Source: https://jseverydayfashion.com/home/2018/9/8/i-hit-rock-bottom-45-days-ago-heres-how-i-turned-it-around

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mikosaura · 6 years

Text

MY JOURNEY THROUGH THE MANY LAYERS OF GRIEF.

As I am writing this it has been a few years since my brother passed away. I have never experienced grief like this before. Before my brother passed I had lost people I had known and loved, but it wasn’t like this.

My brother was my best friend. I spoke to him everyday, we shared everything, we were so close. Losing him had been like losing a part of myself, and the pain has just been excruciating.

Even though he passed away from cancer, it wasn’t like one of those things where you knew he was sick or she battled for years. It was all very quick. It just came so out of the blue.

Even with my connection to the spirit realm and my years of spiritual practice, none of it has excused me from going through the painful grieving process.

Through my year dealing with immense grief, I have learnt a lot and while I am sure I am still learning, I felt it important to open up and share my experience in the hope it can bring comfort and support to others.

Grief is normally narrowed down into stages, and while these stages are relevant, in my experience, they barely scratch the surface.

Here is what I have understood about grief so far, and the many layers that make up the word:

The 7 Layers of Grief

1. SPIRITUAL UNDERSTANDING

Grief can sometimes lead you to a more spiritual way of life. In moments of grief, people turn to higher beings, deities, and angels for comfort. Even though I have lived my life this way for many years, my grief actually led me in the opposite direction.

My spiritual beliefs were shattered and I felt closed off from my guides and angels. I felt I had been betrayed and unfairly treated. I felt my ego rising up and demanding answers as how this could happen to me. I am a good person, this should not have happened.

Of course, dealing with pain and grief has nothing to do with whether or not you are a good person. It is a fact of life, and part of our spiritual growth and development. I see that now, and I think I always knew it to be true, but I was angry, and I was particularly angry at the spirit world.

While I am back on good terms with my guides, this process has helped me to develop a deeper spiritual understanding that is more true to me. It allowed me to really gain clarity with what I believed, and helped me to weed out things that were no longer in alignment with my beliefs.

Whether you choose to turn to religion, atheism, or your own spiritual values, death really challenges you to open to a new way of spiritual understanding.

The one thing I can say is that I do feel grateful to have gone through this experience with some sort of spiritual connection. While it didn’t excuse me from the pain, it did help me to look at the bigger picture and manage my stresses and anxieties on a day to day level.

2. DEEPER UNDERSTAND OF LIFE AND DEATH

I really think that death can teach you so much about life.

Dealing with death has caused me to reassess my life and the meaning of it. I feel like before all of this, I was very ambitious and always had a list of goals that I was working on. I put a lot of value and emphasis on my career.

I would never take breaks, I would always work long hours, and while I am grateful for this as it helped me to build this website up, I just don’t do it anymore.

Now I feel like taking a softer approach to life. I feel like slowing down and spending more time on the things that I have realized are so much more important.

What feels more special to me now are the moments I get to share with my loved ones. What feels more important is the difference I can make in the lives of those around me whether it is through my website, my poetry, or simply smiling to someone as I pass them on the street.

Experiencing death has really helped me to re-prioritize my life and has allowed me to see what is really important. We are all going to die one day and none of us know when that day will be.

We have to start finding what is important to us and making time for it. For when death comes, it’s not going to be about how many likes you got on social media, or how much money you made, or how many goals you ticked off your list, it is really all going to come down to how much you loved, and how much you laughed and enjoyed yourself through the process.

I know life is not easy. In fact, I often feel jealous that my brother got to leave Earth behind. But I also know and appreciate that life is a gift, and life can be beautiful when we start to prioritize what is really important.

3. YOUR OWN DEATH

When you deal with the death of a loved one, you are not only mourning them, but you also mourning the part of you that died along with them.

Very often when I find myself crying, my tears are not for him but for me! I believe that he is up in the higher realms probably having a blast, and my tears are really just for little old me that got left behind!

My brother just had a way of knowing how to make me laugh, and we shared jokes that no one else would understand. I miss this, and I have realized that no one is ever going to fill these shoes, and making peace with that is hard.

I have lost a huge part of myself, and while I feel this transformation is still underway, it is just another layer to deal with when grief comes your way.

When you lose someone that was so close to you, it leaves a gaping hole in your life and in your heart. I am not sure if we are supposed to fill the hole or just accept that it is there, but I feel that perhaps it is a little bit of both.

I think a good idea is to plant some beautiful flowers around the hole to honor that part of yourself and to fill it in, but not replace it.

4. RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

Because I have changed, so too have my relationships. For one thing, my family is a lot closer and I feel myself being more compassionate in general.

My empathic gifts have become very strong, and on most days I feel extremely sensitive when around others. I have also noticed a change in my friendships and who I feel comfortable hanging around with.

When you are extra sensitive, your awareness around everything is heightened and it becomes harder to tolerate things and people that are out of alignment or are not in the same vibration as you.

Death really challenges you to think about who is really important to you, and who you really want to spend time with. It also changes the way you interact with certain people, and personally, I have also found that I have less patience to tolerate certain behaviors.

Death has helped me to create new boundaries and has helped me open my eyes to the type of friendships I wish to keep.

If you haven’t lost a loved one that was near and dear to you, it can be hard to really understand what the other person is truly feeling.

Death also makes people awkward and uncomfortable, and most of the time people just don’t know what to say. While it is important to keep this in mind, dealing with death does open your eyes to the type of people you wish to keep in your life.

Even though for the most part, death has made the relationships in my life stronger, I understand that this is not always the case. Sometimes relationships fall apart and you lose touch with people you thought would always be in your life.

This is just another layer of the grieving process and if you are in the midst of it, try and remember that you are simply being shown the relationships that are strong and true in your life and the ones that need to go.

5. TRAUMA AND PHYSICAL EFFECTS

This is the part of grief that I don’t think many people talk about. Since my brother’s passing my energy levels have been zapped. No matter how much green juice I drink or B Vitamins I take, grieving is hard work and I definitely feel the effects physically.

For a good while, it was hard for me to make it through the day. I would feel tired, I would lose my motivation or concentration, I would feel heavy. I was lucky as I work for myself and could take a break when I wanted, but I totally understand that this is not always possible for everyone!

I do think it is important to take time off work when dealing with grief. I also think it is important to make the time and actually sit with your emotions in order to deal and process them.

Burying them under the rug or doing things to distract yourself is sometimes necessary to get through the day, but you can’t hide like this for very long.

Along with feeling physically exhausted, I started developing skin conditions and appetite issues. My skin started breaking out and my appetite has been all over the place.

I know these physical symptoms are all from stress, and I know from my past that I tend to hold a lot of emotions in my gut, so I was not surprised that is where majority of my symptoms showed up.

It took almost a year for my appetite issues to ease up and even though I still have a few breakouts, I am trying to work on de-stressing and allowing my body time to heal.

Having physical effects is not something I expected, but it makes sense as our bodies are so connected to our emotions.

If you are dealing with physical ailments along with your grief, be sure to get them checked out, and then just be gentle with yourself as you allow your body time to heal.

6. POST TRAUMATIC STRESS

The other layer of grief is post traumatic stress. Even though this is something that is typically used to describe veterans who have experienced the horrors of war, I have also found it to be present in the grieving process too.

While my grief is nothing like having to deal with the traumas of war, for many months I found myself gripped in constant fear and anxiety. Whenever the phone rang my stomach would drop and my heart would start racing- what if this was more bad news? What if someone else had died?

It took months before I could calm myself down about my phone ringing or not having my phone in case someone needed me.

Along with the phone anxiety, my mind was also scarred with the memories of my brother’s final hours. Death is not pretty. It’s not like what it looks in the movies where the person has a pretty face and then gently closes their eyes.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a peace in death, but leading up to that point is extremely challenging to witness.

All of what I saw that day would play over and over again in my mind. The memories of that hospital room, the memories of my brother’s face. The look on my parent’s faces. The smells. The sounds. They were all haunting.

For months after his passing, my stomach felt like it was constantly churning and it was just an awful feeling to have to deal with on top of everything.

I felt so anxious all the time, and I would just feel gripped with fear that something like this was going to happen again, that I was going to receive more bad news.

This is where my practice with meditation, journaling, and breathing exercises really, really helped. They helped me to manage my anxiety levels and helped to ease the constant churning in my stomach.

Eventually, the painful memories started to disappear and my anxiety lessened. I still feel anxious about it every now and again, but time has definitely helped to ease things for me.

7. GRIEF EMOTIONS

Finally, the last layer of grief are all those emotional stages everyone talks about- shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

All of these are real and you do feel them, except they may not come in stages. I found that I shifted back and forth between all of them. Some days I would wake up feeling very accepting, but then just a few days later I would still be in shock that this ever happened!

The emotions are like a rollercoaster, and all you can do is hold on and allow yourself the freedom to feel them all.

I can say that it does get easier. I don’t think the grief goes away but you learn to manage it better and you learn how to not let it run too much of your life.

Up until this point I kept wishing that I would wake up and it would have all been a bad dream, that it was just a glitch in the matrix, but I realized that I needed to stop doing that, and start accepting my reality for what it was.

The emotions come and go and I am sure that will never change, but life does go on, and even though that in itself can feel scary, it can also aid in the healing.

Grief will crack you wide open, there is no doubt about that. It will bring up your deepest pains and fears, it will challenge everything you ever knew about yourself, it will wipe you out, drain your batteries, and in a way, it will cause a part of you to die too.

The best thing you can do is be gentle with yourself, give yourself permission to feel, and develop some tools to help manage physical symptoms or any anxiety that my be present.

Grief is no fun, but I do thank it for making me that much stronger.

#mikosaura → healing #mikosaura → mindfulness

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healthandfitnessrecipes-blog · 6 years

Text

My Journey Through the Many Layers of Grief

https://healthandfitnessrecipes.com/?p=8187

As I am writing this it has been just over a year since my little sister passed away. I have never experienced grief like this before. Before my sister passed I had lost people I had known and loved, but it wasn’t like this.

My little sister was my best friend. I spoke to her everyday, we shared everything, we were so close. Losing her has been like losing a part of myself, and the pain has just been excruciating.

Even though she passed away from cancer, it wasn’t like one of those things where you knew she was sick or she battled for years. It was all very quick. It just came so out of the blue.

Even with my connection to the spirit realm and my years of spiritual practice, none of it has excused me from going through the painful grieving process.

Grief is normally narrowed down into stages, and while these stages are relevant, in my experience, they barely scratch the surface.

Here is what I have understood about grief so far, and the many layers that make up the word:

The 7 Layers of Grief

1.) Spiritual Understanding

Grief can sometimes lead you to a more spiritual way of life. In moments of grief, people turn to higher beings, dieties, and angels for comfort. Even though I have lived my life this way for many years, my grief actually led me in the opposite direction.

Whether you choose to turn to religion, atheism, or your own spiritual values, death really challenges you to open to a new way of spiritual understanding.

2.) Deeper Understanding of Life and Death

I really think that death can teach you so much about life.

I would never take breaks, I would always work long hours, and while I am grateful for this as it helped me to build this website up, I just don’t do it anymore.

Now I feel like taking a softer approach to life. I feel like slowing down and spending more time on the things that I have realized are so much more important.

What feels more special to me now are the moments I get to share with my loved ones. What feels more important is the difference I can make in the lives of those around me whether it is through my website, my books, or simply smiling to someone as I pass them on the street.

Experiencing death has really helped me to re-prioritize my life and has allowed me to see what is really important. We are all going to die one day and none of us know when that day will be.

I know life is not easy. In fact, I often feel jealous that my sister got to leave Earth behind. But I also know and appreciate that life is a gift, and life can be beautiful when we start to prioritize what is really important.

3.) Your Own Death

When you deal with the death of a loved one, you are not only mourning them, but you also mourning the part of you that died along with them.

Very often when I find myself crying, my tears are not for her but for me! I believe that she is up in the higher realms probably having a blast, and my tears are really just for little old me that got left behind!

My sister just had a way of knowing how to make me laugh, and we shared jokes that no one else would understand. I miss this, and I have realized that no one is ever going to fill these shoes, and making peace with that is hard.

We also turned to each other for advice about everything. Being the older sister, I know she looked up to me, and I hope she knows that I also looked up to her. But I am no longer a big sister. I am no longer the middle child. That is a role I no longer have to fill, that is an identity I no longer need to hold onto.

I have lost a huge part of myself, and while I feel this transformation is still underway, it is just another layer to deal with when grief comes your way.

I think a good idea is to plant some beautiful flowers around the hole to honor that part of yourself and to fill it in, but not replace it.

4.) Relationship Dynamics

Because I have changed, so too have my relationships. For one thing, my family is a lot closer. I also feel closer to my partner, and I feel myself being more compassionate in general.

When you are extra sensitive, your awareness around everything is heightened and it becomes harder to tolerate things and people that are out of alignment or are not in the same vibration as you.

Death has helped me to create new boundaries and has helped me open my eyes to the type of friendships I wish to keep.

If you haven’t lost a loved one that was near and dear to you, it can be hard to really understand what the other person is truly feeling.

5.) Trauma and Physical Effects

This is the part of grief that I don’t think many people talk about. Since my sister’s passing my energy levels have been zapped. No matter how much green juice I drink or B Vitamins I take, grieving is hard work and I definitely feel the effects physically.

For a good year, it was hard for me to make it through the day. I would feel tired, I would lose my motivation or concentration, I would feel heavy. I was lucky as I work for myself and could take a break when I wanted, but I totally understand that this is not always possible for everyone!

I do think it is important to take time off work when dealing with grief. I also think it is important to make the time and actually sit with your emotions in order to deal and process them.

Burying them under the rug or doing things to distract yourself is sometimes necessary to get through the day, but you can’t hide like this for very long.

Along with feeling physically exhausted, I started developing skin conditions and digestive issues. My skin started breaking out with patches of eczema and my digestion has been all over the place.

I know these physical symptoms are all from stress, and I know from my past that I tend to hold a lot of emotions in my gut, so I was not surprised that is where majority of my symptoms showed up.

It took almost a year for my digestive troubles to ease up and even though I still have a few patches of eczema, I am trying to work on de-stressing and allowing my body time to heal.

Having physical effects is not something I expected, but it makes sense as our bodies are so connected to our emotions.

If you are dealing with physical ailments along with your grief, be sure to get them checked out, and then just be gentle with yourself as you allow your body time to heal.

6.) Post Traumatic Stress

It took months before I could calm myself down about my phone ringing or not having my phone in case someone needed me.

Along with the phone anxiety, my mind was also scarred with the memories of my sister’s final hours. Death is not pretty. It’s not like what it looks in the movies where the person has a pretty face and then gently closes their eyes.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a peace in death, but leading up to that point is extremely challenging to witness.

All of what I saw that day would play over and over again in my mind. The memories of that hospital room, the memories of my sister’s face. The look on my parent’s faces. The smells. The sounds. They were all haunting.

For months after her passing, my stomach felt like it was constantly churning and it was just an awful feeling to have to deal with on top of everything.

I felt so anxious all the time, and I would just feel gripped with fear that something like this was going to happen again, that I was going to receive more bad news.

Eventually, the painful memories started to disappear and my anxiety lessened. I still feel anxious about it every now and again, but time has definitely helped to ease things for me.

7.) Grief Emotions

Finally, the last layer of grief are all those emotional stages everyone talks about- shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The emotions are like a rollercoaster, and all you can do is hold on and allow yourself the freedom to feel them all.

I can say that being a year into the grieving process, it does get easier. I don’t think the grief goes away but you learn to manage it better and you learn how to not let it run too much of your life.

I do think time helps, and for me, the one year mark was when I finally started to really accept what had happened.

Up until this point I kept wishing that I would wake up and it would have all been a bad dream, that it was just a glitch in the matrix, but when the one year mark rolled around, I realized that I needed to stop doing that, and start accepting my reality for what it was.

The emotions come and go and I am sure that will never change, but life does go on, and even though that in itself can feel scary, it can also aid in the healing.

The best thing you can do is be gentle with yourself, give yourself permission to feel, and develop some tools to help manage physical symptoms or any anxiety that my be present.

Grief is no fun, but I do thank it for making me that much stronger.

3 Mindful Ways to Move Through Grief

7 Life Changing Messages from the Afterlife

What a Death Doula Can Teach us About Living

The post My Journey Through the Many Layers of Grief appeared first on Forever Conscious.

Credits: Original Content Source

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