#but i am going to miss bits of the job

[anglerflsh]

New monthly pfp + God I am So tired dot png

#[.art] #self #i hate you university level math and chemistry and physics done in highschool I hate you so much. #and I don't want to miss a weekend of maybe some free time to having to present my school to the general public girl no girl #girl give this to a teacher like it's supposed to be not to a teenager hell on earth why do I have to do the job of this guy instead of him #on god I am going to. To. I mean i'll do it like hell they'll let me skip out on this #but hhh. The weekend is the one time I get to take walks and sleep until seven and rest a bit...

[queenlucythevaliant]

I read Lolita a couple weeks ago now. Here are my thoughts:

This book is fascinating. I couldn't shut up about it. The drive to keep reading was squarely in between the one that keeps me reading someone like Falkner (this book is being held together with some incredible mystery adhesive that I must identify/drizzle all over myself) and like. the high I got when I read Atlas Shrugged in 9th grade (I don't like it exactly, but it makes my brain light up as though I've just discovered quarks and now must figure out how to articulate my findings.)

Basically, reading this book is an exercise in reading past the narrator and trying to find scraps of the other characters (especially Dolores) in what he bothers to tell us. It's like panning for gold in a bunch of muck. It's a very active, almost athletic reading experience, if that makes sense.

The beauty of Dolores peeking through all Humbert's mud is that of an ordinary little girl brimming with quiet courage and irrepressible dignity. Dolores Hayes manages to hold her ground against Humbert's best efforts to subsume her and I ended the book just viscerally angry on her behalf. The prevailing sense that I had on finishing Lolita was one of deep injustice.

Nabokov is a treat as always (I've read and loved Speak, Memory and some of Letters to Vera, but this was my first foray into his fiction). The prose was appallingly clever and there were a few little storytelling tricks he pulled that had me all but cackling. The craft of this book is next level.

Reading it was exhausting. I do not think I could have gotten through it had it not been the middle of summer.

#i don't often share what I'm reading bc nine times out of ten my reading journey is a very private and intimate thing #but that tenth time i am *obnoxious* about my books and baby i reaches new levels of obnoxiousness about this one #also. haven't seen any of the film adaptations but I do listen to a fair bit of lana del rey and boy howdy #my girl dolores got done so so dirty by pop culture #like. i knew that going in i knew the basic premise. i went in knowing that humbert is unreliable and that the culture doesn't get it #but guys. for all that reading lolita is a full contact sport it should not be that easy to miss the point #anyway #i did a bad job really discussing but i promised myself that i would restrict this post to a few bullet points #if anyone is interested in like a longer reflection or something please lmk #although it will probably be two to three business months before my brain is really prepared to be coherent about it #pontifications and creations #literature makes us more human

[lonely-dog-song]

vent post

#lonely dog speaks #vent/ #THIS WAS GOING TO BE A vague jokey post but i did end up typing a bunch. sorrey -> #:•\ #not feeling great #i feel like every day i am missing something #but i'm too afraid to actually connect to what that missing thing is #and i realize my anxiety is back n bad #which i'm not really sure if it ever left #i was going to make a joke about being unmedicated but that's noteven true but if i feel this bad then that is probably Not good #and my general fear prevents me from feeling like i can DO Things. like. i can't just Do A Thing #i have to putz around all day to maybe do it a bit. but i can't commit to it in case i get interupted #but the thing is that i also /do/ do things i want to do through the day. but it's nott a lot of things #specifically i want to be drawing. but actually getting to the drawing part is so hard and i end up not drawing #but i think about drawing all day!! #but stepping back. on a much wider scale i realize icant even think about the idea of doing someting like move out or get job #because if i decide to commit to it what if something bad happens and i never get to do it #and everything feels wasted.......... #why dont i sit on my phone and try to have fun instead and not think about that >_> #OH GIRL. I should get a therapy #isnt it so annoying how being aware that your brain is irrational doesn't just make you Think Rationally

[k1rishiki]

MY DAD MIGHT BUY ME A PC????

#i have to use it to do graphic design stuff for his job so that he can write it off as a business expense but? holy shit? #i was sooo not expecting this but we were talking abt how seniors at my school get special privileges and that includes getting out of #school months early as long as they spend that time on a project which will hypothetically benefit their future careers #and what i had in mind for it which is like. professional internet merch artist stuff. but i mentioned the bit abt how i'd need to build a #pc first bc my computer is busted as hell and can't run any decent drawing software and like. dpi is an issue. #and without missing a beat he was like 'hey could you hypothetically like. design posters' and i was ofc like 'no i'm an illustrator not a #graphic designer' and he was like 'but could you learn' and uhm. holy shit? #the benefits of presenting things as 'this is how i'd use it in a practical capacity' and not 'here's all the video games that won't run on #my piece of shit macbook'. bc i've mentioned my intention of building a pc to him half a million times but i've always led w the video game #he also might pay for photoshop and like. thank god bc i am Not doing that. i'm going to try and get him to cover illustrator too bc i hate #adobe but. vector files :/. #romeo.txt

[raeathnos]

.

#continuing on that though #I’ve been struggling a bit with drawing dragons which makes me sad cause their my fav #but I’ve been doodling horses/unicorns/pegasuses and I have to itch to go draw wolves #and now I’m laughing cause like those are what I used to draw before dragons #and it’s what I mostly base my dragon anatomy on #and anyways I guess going back to the source material is helping XD #going back and referencing real animal anatomy has been helping so much #and I wanna like hit myself cause referencing actual anatomy is like fantasy animal creation rule one #I am RUSTY and I feel it #mad at my job for making me so tired that I didn’t draw for like two fucking years #felt like I lost a piece of myself there #no wonder I was so fucking depressed #I missed all my hobbies a lot but drawing the most #been hiking again and that feels good too #now I need to start reading through a book like every weekend again too

[wickershells]

Sigh. vent time u know the drill

#i havent been sleeping well recently. and ive been losing a lot of daylight whenever i do #my brain feels all mush-like. i just cant think of the right words for anything. its like im dreaming #ive missed the deadline for applications so theres another year gone. im so stagnant my life is idle #ive never been more desperate for spring before in my life #i want to go places and see things because i am so miserable stuck here. so i tell myself it will change once i can leave #but i dont have money. and i cant keep a job being as unstable and sensitive as i am i need to get better first #but in order to get better i need to spend money that i dont have #i dont think i was supposed to be happy. i dont think life ever planned that for me #i know that is such a defeatist and ugly attitude to have but truly i am just so unhappy all the time and i have been for years #realistically speaking im never going to be able to keep myself afloat i dont know what to do with that #and im the loneliest ive ever been #i try reaching out and i meet nothing #i know how hard it is to love me which is why no one really does. and i dont say that to be self-pitying #im so incompatible with everyone i love even my own mother. i keep trying to stop being so sensitive but ive been trying to get thicker #skin my entire life and it has never worked. i am perpetually upset no matter how hard i try i dont think i was built to still be here #i convinced myself i wouldnt be and now i am and i dont know how to deal with that. so many things i never preserved or procured because #i figured i would be long gone by now. that was a bit silly of me. but now ive left myself nothing. im left with nothing #everything i had hoped for as a little kid is ruined now all because of me. i have irreparably destroyed my life i mean that #and i cant handle the inevitability of grief and its growing closer and closer as everyone gets older and older #which is why in an act of pure selfishness id rather let everyone else deal with it. in the nebulous sense #god i just. ive spent year after year trying to fix my life and nothing has worked. not even close #im trying not to believe that its futile but deep down i think i already do #well. whatever #mine

[usoratonkachi]

life update i'm dating bachira part time and isagi part time

#and sitting on bachira's face rn #in my blue lock cock era #anw i luv him sm sm sm sm he is so weird and cute and unsettling i want to date him so bad #im also heart eyes over is.agi he is painfully my type but i will not get into that rn #also hey uhm what the heck happened Wut is the everyone option is there a new mutuals only post option????? 0v0 #its only been a month and tumblr breaks into my house (blog) and rearranges my furniture (settings) without me knowing -_- #ANYWAY i am reading the manga rn and it is sooooo goooooood #kinda insane but like normal at the same time cuz its soccer yk i get it... LMFAO #pray for a bllk hyperfixation era for me bc i miss tumblr i just dont see a reason to come on here BUT HEY... BLLK... PERHAPS... #ALSO CSM AND BNHA AND SOOOO MUCH DSKJFHS AND KINKTOBERRRRR AHHH I FORGOT #& i miss u all so bad life is so BUSY and full time job stupid and i go to gym now bc getting jacked slowly to look like j.osuke from j.jba #smirks #however im currently still Sad TM irl if u will thus i am not fully back yet #but i just needed to yell abt ba.chira for one second to the void #also to get mutualstonin for a bit and dip

[leatherbookmark]

feeling kinda silly about it but i wrote a “letter” to my dad in my diary and it kind of helped. in that for the time being i don’t feel like i’m going to burst out crying in 3 2 1. but that’s honestly it tbh

#feeling a bit like a pet left in an empty flat. i think szymborska had a poem about it (as she often does) #its like. on one hand my brain still can't comprehend this. sure it's horrible right now but he'll be back and it'll be back to normal #and on the other i'm Truly like a dog in that i'm looking for things that will stay a reminder of him. like articles of clothing that #smell like him or things he often used (already took a wristwatch too large for my matchstick wrists to my room). #kinda want to just make a pile of Father-Smelling Things and curl in it and sleep until he's back. (in the free time between fits of crying) #i sound so calm and composed right now because i guess the letter really helped but also i'm very much unable to imagine how does one #like. go on. how am i supposed to live like a normal person right now? find a job? i can't. i'm just going to wait until a lottery magically #wins itself and transfers insane amounts of money to us. because i'm going to lie there and just. cry. yeah #i want my dad. i miss him so much. sorry if this is weird to analyze one's feelings in the open like this. but fuck i really do #shrimp thoughts

[lucky-draws]

hey u haven't been posting as much as before. everything ok?<3 I love seeing you on my dash u have the absolute best vibes <33

!!! HELLO omg....smiles and smiling....thank u for dropping by :') ur too kind i'm so glad u enjoy my silly postings and silly vibes ≧◡≦ <3

i have been rather inactive it is true....u kno how it is.....some things came up...got enveloped by the fog.....and then there was this whole thing where i had to go to tselinoyarsk and fight my mentor and some weirdo cowboy.....sigh......oh and i got sent to earth to roll some katamaris........................... mmmnnnnngh no but rest assured everything's largely okay, there's no Terrible Reason why i've been quiet, i may continue to be quieter than i was for a while but i am definitely not going anywhere....mgs brainrot is definitely still extremely strong.....and drawing in general is my entire ummmm purpose in life i crumble and wither if i dont draw frequently so u know. i guess it feels like i was posting a Lot until recently, especially during the where's ocie event for example jhghgfgf that was a frenzied time....so as well as the various factors that have kept me from posting as much lately i've also sort of been content to take a bit of a break.....it also doesn't help that i was working on a fic for a couple of weeks recently and i sort of couldn't rly find the time/energy to both write And draw hgjhgjh......now that i got the fic finished i can probably post some more, lol funny u sent this today bc i was vaguely thinking earlier that i could maybe draw something to post today (it has not actually transpired thus but the thought was there) ......... so yeah ...smiles my 8 billion smiles i appreciate u checking in truly :-) i hope you are also doing okay and having/have had an excellent day o7 <3333 thank u 4 being here....and pls stay tuned ٩(^‿^)۶

#i will not bore u all with too much of my personal circumstances i am simply a silly creature but hrm my life is a little weeeughhhhghhg #if i can get a job soon i will probably actually post More...or more regularly/scheduledly #bc things would be more Stable and i could be like ah time to go home and draw penis <3 #also. all my hobbies like. sewing. viddy game. drawing. scrolling on that damn phone. all involve my hands/wrist and sometimes like... #if i do too much of one thing like too much pressing buttons on video game it makes my wrist/arm ache a bit or like it will do if i then #draw as well #but ummmmmm yeah whatever #actually also jghgfgfdgd i feel like autumn/winter is the optimal posting time bc when its sunny all evening im like...i cant concentrate #as much? #like drawing during the day when its sunny im like...no...i gotta be out there....cant sit in here....... #there are many factors quite frankly #i miss penis fridays to be honest...........u kno what maybe i could just post like Once A Week regardless of whther its penis or not #a weekly scheduled post of any kind would be doable.......... #hmmm whatever whatever #i love u people in my puter. and i hope to return to full penis power soon #<333333333333333333333333333

[milf-harrington]

going on TWO international flights all on my own has changed me, it was such a fun adventure, im extra excited for my trip to brisbane now that that scarier trip has come and gone

#devastated about being back in australia yes #i feel like i left a piece of me behind #the piece of me i didnt realise id been missing all my life so thats going to be hard to deal with for a bit i think #im really gonna miss my whānau (oh im tearing up aaaa abort mission abort mission) #anyway if i didnt have prior committments i would have stayed and its funny to me that everyone who knows me knows that #mum even said ''im surprised you didnt stay'' on the phone just before #and i know i have a home there no matter what #i could get a job as a library assistant at the library where my cousin works #but *wipes face bc i totally made myself cry like a loser* those are goals #things to work towards #i am so excited about and grateful for the opportunities ive been given this year #im excited for my sister to move out of our shithole town im excited to meet my best friends im excited to turn 20 #im sad about aotearoa yeah BUT im still happy for the things i get to do instead yknow #so dallon if you see this i am just as excited about my brisbane trip as i was for my aotearoa trip #captain speaks

[stewystew]

Anyway I love what they’re doing with Sophie’s character this season since her backstory was largely a mystery before this season which worked and I loved that too but in a sophie-centric season I love learning more about her especially as a follow up to the King George Job

#the actual cons I think are hit and miss #more reliance on ooc mistakes than I would like #but since it’s sophie-centric I do not really care #leverage #leverage redemption spoilers #actually I am going to complain a bit bc it’s fun #this last one did not feel as personal as I think the pre-finale usually is? #wait no I know it’s that her guilt is centered around just 3 people. and I have not been able to care about them at all. #extremely competent conman. ​dead rich dude. cop. #ok I’m done complaining i just think the king george job is very necessary viewing for this season. #without it it falls a little flat which isn’t great for a sequel series. #but also I may just not have been paying enough attention

[onepiexe]

couldnt sleept i am. so. yeah.

#logbook #still sick. idk whats happening to my body. #i AM on the mend tho i sound and feel much bebtter but. havent been able to sleep overnight and stay asleep for 3 days. #even if i wake up once or twice i can roll over and try again but noooo. #ok loser (semi affectionate) #also had an email from the nursery i applied to at the beginning of the month. finally. #turns out the lady was sick also (man) but then she asked me to download and send back my app 😭 #tbc i get shes sick but i also let myself laugh a little in mild despair. anyways i responded this morning and RESENT my same app and #resume. i renamed them again for her if thats helpful. #so thats a good sign. they havent filled the position yet. #im trying to go back to sleep but i guess i'll turn on another uki mc vod and rest a bit then get up. nap later. #miss everybody. i have felt so unhuman these last 5 days lol. #oh yeah also need to respond to mst today she sent me stuff abt the job at l*wes 😔🙄😶

[bytebun]

.

#having a bit of a ‘your degree is useless and you don’t know how to do anything’ moment tonight which is actually #a crisis I’ve been putting off for two years now so abt time I guess lol #like I know this isn’t true like ok on the scale of very practical immediately applicable degrees engineering is… up there. #somebody’s gotta build the gotdamned bridges #except all my experience is in software and idk what to do with that #like without getting into the working is hell and might make me physically I’ll (won’t know until I try I guessl #(except that the four month internships pretty much put me in a depressive spiral that made me miss /school/ of all things ) #what the hell is software even good for like the forward motion of the tech industry is just. evil #Would rather die than contribute to that no offense to my friends & classmates #Who I really do wish all the best but clearly do not care about like. Well. Stuff. #Like the answer is obviously capitalism but how the hell is it that new grads are getting paid 200k a year #‘How the hell am I an essential worker’ bourgeoisie edition #Research is like. It rlly helps w a lot of my Problems as a job the flexibility + allowance for hyperfixation #But the stuff I’m doing feels so far removed from what ppl urgently need #Also I will start screaming in frustration if I’m stuck doing theory I need to get hands on I don’t want to write grant apps or whatever #I just want to make stuff that helps ppl #and like I KNOW I’m not stupid I’m /good/ at that I could be good at it but Where The Hell Am I Supposed to Go #it feels like the stuff I should be working on is like. policy or infrastructure or you know. other things that require soft skills #What the hell is an app update gonna do. But also I’m bad at/don’t care abt those things I don’t wanna do math I wanna make stuff. #the math is necessary but if my job was mostly that I wouldn’t b able to take it. More built to be a craftsman than an engineer I guess. #I just want to do the equivalent of fixing ppls engines and heaters and coming up w a new sewage system around a small town. I can’t even #do that though :/ I don’t have the knowledge for it #Was leaning towards going back to assistive tech but I really…… I really don’t think throwing more tech at things is the best answer #for any of these problems #bytebun rambles #also like fuck part of me DOES want the stability 2 years at a big company would give #like yeah I DO want money and I know I could have it for an endurable price #This is just normal young adult shit tho whatever<= trying to calm the beast

[thebutchprinxe]

start my new shift as a workflow coordinator sometime next week ahhhhh

#trying to focus on being grateful for what i have and excited for where i am going #i’ve been doing live training in the inbox for the past four days and it’s been kinda nerve wracking but i think im getting the hang of it #i just get anxious because i really want to do a good job #change is scary but scary is good sometimes #ngl very spoiled by my 10-6 shift atm i will miss her dearly 😭 at least i get additional pay differential #the big thing i’m working on in therapy rn is figuring out the steps i need to take to live my best life for me #it’s. very difficult. but i’m trying my best and im proud of that #it still sucks Quite a bit of ass rn but. one day at a time. #i just rly miss having someone to share my day with. who’s excited to hear a play by play of the work day with rapt attention #it’s hard out here trying to be my own cheerleader when my brain has historically been one of my biggest foes lmao #anyways. forcing myself to keep going. #one day someone will cherish me the way i know i deserve. forever #sam soliloquizes

[silverislander]

idk if it's genuine excitement or the energy drink i had earlier that's actually letting me focus and work but dude. i am CRUSHING this essay. this is Fun To Write. i think i'm actually doing a really good job here. wtf. i love my major man

#i am a LITTLE bit sad i cant do grad school bc like. im going to miss writing essays and researching and all once i graduate #i do genuinely like doing it. call me a nerd or whatever but i love it esp when its on smth fun and interesting like this #now im not sad enough to actually DO grad school lmao #unless i got offered a scholarship or smth idk. wont happen but. hm. if it did. #seriously tho. i would think more seriously abt it if it werent for my adhd. i just dont think its realistic for me #as much as i like my field i dont think i have the ability to focus well enough to complete the work id need to complete #i went to the meeting abt grad school i learned abt what it requires/why people do it and all. i just dont think i can do that #and bc i ultimately cant get diagnosed -> cannot get help/medication thats not going to improve any time soon #after years of learning how to adapt and work with my brain this is probably the best i can do without medical/institutional intervention #its not worth paying a shitload of money and possibly setting my career back by years only to fail out yk? #im not too torn up abt it. ill give it more thought if it becomes relevant but rn its not really on my radar #ive done an excellent job in school! im getting an honours degree (hopefully)! most people dont even get that far #a lot of people with my condition dont even get into university let alone graduate. im incredibly lucky to be able to do what i can #levi.txt #this is all over the place but takeaway is im having a good time! things are coming together i feel confident in my work #im gathering theorists and sources for the section on night of the living dead and having a blast #ive got my examples all lined up my arguments make sense in my head i know where to look for applicable theories etc etc #i just need supporting quotes and im working on that rn!! it hasnt even been that hard #ok. back to work. i need to harness the power of caffeine once more (made my brain quiet) (no longer full of bees) (im in charge)