#but i’ve been forced to confront a lot of awful aspects of myself bc of the circumstances i just happened to go through

[boyczar]

#so much clarity it’s crazy #everything is making sense now i honestly just feel sad #what can you do when you see that someone you care about desperately needs help but they can’t see it? #especially when they push you away for acknowledging that they might have any faults at all #i wish i could find a way to say all these things that i’ve come to realize with the guarantee of not hurting anyone’s feelings #but what can you do when people aren’t able to be receptive to the truth bc it cracks their concept of reality #or threatens their view of themselves ? #i can understand how hard it is to have someone hold up a metaphorical mirror up to your face and force you to look #and not just look but SEE how you really are #and it doesn’t mean that they hate you #and i know that can be hard to understand too #but i’ve been forced to confront a lot of awful aspects of myself bc of the circumstances i just happened to go through #which sucked and i hated it when i was going through it but now i’m so thankful for it #i still have A LOT to work on that i really want to change #but i’m glad that i have the framework and receptivity to accept my faults and correct them over time #i know that i can’t make anyone feel the same #i can’t force people to take criticism and understand that there’s still love & care behind it but i wish i could #i feel like i’m watching so much self destruction & such a strong cycle of dysfunction wreck the lives of those i care about #i feel helpless & i hate it. i wish i could offer my insight with sincerity & know that it won’t be taken the wrong way #i have no condescension or arrogance in my corner just a lot of concern & anxiety about what will unfold #and what has already unfolded right under my nose? why wasn’t i braver sooner? why couldn’t i recognize all the pain & dysfuntion ? #i feel guilty that i didn’t try to help before it was too late #& here i am now excommunicated from anyone who used to care about me #which i understand is also part of the plan #how much worse is this all going to get before something good erupts from it? #& it’s something that i know will happen #if it doesn’t that means i’ve failed & i don’t know how many lives would be ruined because of it #ugh #back to my research to figure this shit out further #mine

[princechorus]

So. I have some Thoughs that idk how to really organize..about Magnus Archives and Jonathan Sims. But let me start out by saying. This podcast has very quickly become something very dear to me and very important to me.

Ever since I was little I hated horror. Mostly bc what I saw when I watched horror movies was gore and shock value and jump scares. It scared me. More than just “oh shit that’s scary” but genuinely TERRIFIED ME. The first time I watched Psycho (the original one even not even the remake) I straight up REFUSED to shower. Because I was CONVINCED a killer would come and stab me. I was I think 8 or 9? Maybe 10. It wasn’t the first horrific images I’d been exposed to by any means, or the last, but it was one of the first i Can remember that gave me a genuine phobia.

I avoided horror most of my life despite my friends all loving it and wanting to go see the next scariest movies. They were all into creepypasta as a lot people were between 2010-2014/15 and so of course I read my fair share of stories and watched marble hornets(which i did like and i now realise why) and tried to keep up with them but it was awful. Horror movies,stories,video games, anything they could find was what they wanted to watch/consume and I found myself not able to speak up about not liking them for fear of getting mocked for being childish. (I’m only friends with one of these people now and I’ve since explained to her my stance on horror and shes fine with it)

When I heard about Magnus Archives I was hesitant. I knew it was classified as a Horror Podcast so I steered away from it. Until I actually decided to give it a shot after my partner listened to make sure it wasn’t too much for me (I knew I liked suspense thriller type things but hadn’t really gotten a clear image in my head of what I could and couldn’t handle. Still don’t really but we’ll get to that.) they said it was fairly tame and no worse than other things I’d watched in the past with no issue.

TMA very quickly became my new favorite. I listened so much I got WAY AHEAD of where my partner was (they were on MAG35 when I started from MAG01 and at furthest I was 12 episodes ahead) I found that even the most disturbing ones were no issue for me to listen to.

I had always been upset at my own inability to consume media classified as horror for fear of being triggered into an anxiety attack and wished there was more low level horror that wasn’t just geared towards children and teens. TMA answered that prayer and In The process has forced me to Face My Fear™ and confront why I’m so afraid of certain things and also why I have the reaction to horror that I do. It’s helped me clear up the scale of what I can and can’t handle and honestly I’ve begun to realise it’s not a sliding scale but, like many things in life, it’s a spectrum of certain aspects of horror that I can handle and others that trigger something raw and horrifying in the back of my mind.

In the end, it was hearing in one of the Q&A’s that Jonny used his own fears as inspiration that made me realise why I enjoyed this series so much. It’s been helping me Confront my fears in such a way that I can look at it from the outside and understand it better. And really I just want a chance to shake his hand and say Thank You. Because I really Really needed that and I don’t think I could have realised what I needed without this context.

TL;DR: Thank you, Jonny Sims. For being an amazing writer and creating a beautiful piece of art that has helped me understand my fear and will stay with me forever both in my nightmares and in my heart.

#this is a mess #im rly just #emotional abt tma #tma #the magnus archives #magnuspod #jonathan sims